- Well, part three is here. I hope you enjoyed the first two parts. By your e-mail, I think you might have. To be honest, I never expected so much good feedback. I had prepared myself for little or no e-mail, at least not good. I was wrong!! Thanks you all who wrote me mail. You know who you are. It means so much! I would also like to think TR., author of Devon and Lance, JM, author of Brian and Justin, and everyone else that went to the fan forum on ICQ and gave me so much encouragement. I really appreciate all of it! Please keep e-mailing all comments or criticism to mlnscrm@aol.com. Thanks a lot. I did get one e-mail stating that they would like to see my stories longer, like Brian and Justin's segments. I do plan to make my stories about as long as the last one give or take some however, I have decided not to make them quite as long as JM does for two reasons. One, being that I am trying to get my segments out as fast as possible, so I can't go much longer than the last one unless you wanna wait. The second being Zeo. Zeo is the author of NSYNC Love, which is a great story by the way. I talked to him some on ICQ and he is stopping his story. PLEASE E-MAIL HIM ABOUT THAT!! But, he said that making his stories so long burnt him out. I don't want that to happen to me. So, that is the thing with the length issue that has been brought up to me. As for the usual, thanks to Nifty for putting these stories up. Really appreciate it! These stories are not meant to imply anything about the sexuality of any members of NSYNC or any other celebs mentioned. And, last, but not least, you know the legal stuff. Don't read this if you are not supposed to by law in your city/state, etc. Well, on with the story!
Justin's Love Part Three
"Don't worry. I'll be gone in a sec. Just came to get my clothes and return yours. That's it. That's all." I said as Justin came bursting through the door. That should have made me happy. Justin, running from his concert just to make sure he didn't rip out my heart too much. It made me sad though. I wasn't angry and upset, just sad. "Chris, why did you run from the Arena? JC said you were at my door, then just took off." Justin said hoping that Chris hadn't heard him and Lance talking. He didn't know what Chris would have thought about that. Chris just kept packing up Justin's clothes and gathering up his own. He didn't know what to say. If Justin didn't realize that I was gay and that I ran because of what he said, then maybe we still had a shoot at their friendship. The thing was, after hearing that, Chris didn't want a friendship. He knew he was being selfish and stubborn, but that was what he knew, loneliness. He was comfortable feeling like that. That was how he felt all the rest of his life, why should now be different? "Chris, please talk to me. I know you are angry..." I quickly cut him off. "No, Just. I am not angry. I'm tired and disappointed. I'm sorry Justin." I cut myself of there. I wanted to go on, but I knew better. If I went I on, I would end up forgiving Justin, then get hurt later on down the road. "You are sorry about what? I don't understand." I just looked at him. "No, you don't. And maybe that is why we should have never become friends in the first place." I said starting to walk out. I was done there. I had my clothes on, Justin's clothes packed up, and I didn't have anything else to say.
I had made it half way down the hall when Justin finally spoke up. "How could you say that?" Justin had a hint of anger in his voice covered mostly by sadness though. "Because, maybe it's true." Justin looked as if he had gotten punched. "No it isn't. Chris you are the best thing in my life. Not my career, not the people I meet, not even the fans. It is you. I..." Justin almost said it. He almost said I love you. But he stopped. I waited to hear those words form. After a minute, I realized that weren't coming. "That is just it. I'm not the most important thing in your life. What you think I am is. If you knew the real me... you would be disgusted." Disgusted was a harsh word to use. It was the most accurate though. I thought about how disgusted he was when he had pulled his arms from around me when we had awoken, or I disgusted he was when Lance implied he was gay. He would have been disgusted. I understood the feeling. He wouldn't have been the first to feel that way. I was shocked though he didn't already feel this way. Lance had practically screamed, 'CHRIS IS GAY AND IS IN LOVE WITH YOU!' I never thought him one not to pick up on something so bluntly put as that. "Disgusted. I doubt that. You mean to much to me. Nothing would make me feel that way." Justin said with such sincerity. 'You would probably be disgusted with me' Justin thought to himself. What Lance had said Justin couldn't even remember. He was so worried about Chris that he hadn't put together that Chris might be in love with him too. Too? Yes, he was in love with Chris. He had finally made up his mind. Justin had thought he wasn't, then he thought he was, but now he knew. And he knew he had to tell Chris how he felt as he saw Chris just turn towards the elevator. "CHRIS..." Justin yelled at me as the elevator doors opened and I stepped in. I turned to face him. 'If I am going to lose him anyway, I might as well tell him' is what ran through Justin's mind as he tried to say it. "I, um, I..." He was cut off by the sound of the doors closing. Justin looked at me and I waited to hear what I so wanted to hear.
The words never came. Justin just stood there and watched the doors close. He didn't try to stop them, he didn't finish his words. Nothing. He just stood. As soon as I was clear from Justin's sight I fell back against the elevator and broke down in tears. I know that Justin wasn't going to say I love you. Thank God I hadn't given in to my urge to rush and comfort him just so he would say them. I soon was forced to stand as I walked out of the elevator had went to catch a cab.
As soon as the doors to the elevator closed Justin was sprinting to the stairs. He had to stop Christopher. He had to! He couldn't let him leave. Not without Chris knowing how Justin felt. Not without Justin knowing what had happened to Chris to bring this on. He almost tripped a couple of times as he finally made it to the lobby. He pushed the door open hard as he tried to catch his breath. He would have, and should have stopped to take at least one breathe, but he saw Chris trying to hail a can. He quickly ran towards the doors.
I had finally flagged down a cab. Taxi's were terrible in Orlando. The only good thing about them was they all spoke English. Many places I have been would have been 10 times better, had my transportation understood what I was saying. I opened the door and turned to get in. I saw Justin running to me. As soon as I saw him our eyes met. He had come to a stop right outside the hotel doors and was silently asking my permission to come closer. I looked at him and got in the cab. I just couldn't give it to him. The taxi pulled away as I burst into tears. "Hey buddy, where to?" The cabby obviously didn't care why I was crying. That was good thought. I didn't care to talk about it. I told him where my home was and sat back. It was a thirty minute drive so I just looked out the window and tuned out the world. How had this happened? This morning I was so happy. Not more than 12 hours ago I had stated the great things in my life. Now, I couldn't even guess one. I shouldn't have gotten so mad. Justin didn't know any better. He had know idea I was gay or that I was listening. But that thought only made things worse. Now that I knew how Justin really felt towards the subject, I would feel like our friendship was based on a lie. And it would be. Was I overreacting? I truly felt betrayed. I had loved him, and he hated gay people. He hated fags. I hate that word. It sounds so wrong and dirty. It wasn't what we were. I was alone. At least I was in familiar territory.
Justin fell back against the hotel doors as the cab pulled away. Chris didn't know. Justin hadn't the courage to tell him and now he was gone. How had this happened to him? What threw him more was why he had lied to Lance? Lance obviously wouldn't have cared if he was gay. Justin knew that he just had to get used to thinking that. He was gay. He couldn't believe it. He might have tried to deny it again, or try to hide it, but the only thing he could do was think of Christopher. How he had felt towards him. How much he was in love. And then, how he had let the love of his life get away. Justin slowly got up and walked over to the elevator. He knew someone would start asking question he didn't want to answer if he had stayed. He slowly drug himself to his room and lay on the bed. He just wanted to fall in a deep sleep and never wake up. He knew he had no such luck when he heard a knock at his door. "Hey Justin. It's... it's Lance." Lance felt uneasy about being there. Justin needed time to deal, but he didn't need to be alone. Justin sighed loudly and got up. He wouldn't have answered but, for one, he needed someone to talk to. And two, he had to tell Lance the truth. Or at least apologize to him. "Hey Lance. Come on in." Justin made way for Lance to enter. "Sorry to bother you. I just wanted to make sure you were OK. Where is Christopher?" Lance asked looking around. Justin almost broke down in tears. Lance knew that Christopher had gone. And by the way Justin had acted when he asked, Lance new it was hard on Justin. "Justin come here." Lance said motioning him to the bed. Justin went to sit down and Lance practically shoved him down on the bed. Lance pulled the covers over him and got him into bed. "OK, now, what happened?" Justin couldn't help but smile at his friends parental hormones kick in. The smiled faded though when he thought of what to say. "Honestly, I don't know. By the time I got here Christopher was ready to go. I tried to talk to him, but he was upset. I think he might have heard me and you talking. I guess I would be mad to if someone thought I was in a relationship I wasn't." Justin said as if he believed it. Lance was shocked. "Did Chris tell you that was why he was mad?" Lance was making sure what had happened before he started to help. "No, but what else could it be?" Justin asked after realizing the answer. Justin remembered what Lance had said. "Lance, what did you mean when you said 'And the way Chris looks at you'?"
"It was pretty obvious Christopher was in love. He would look at you with such love, desire, and passion. I thought you would have seen that. Even if you are straight." Justin jumped when he said that. "What?" Lance asked curiously. Justin stammered out an answer. "Lance, it wouldn't have made a difference to you if me and Chris had been a couple, would it?" Lance knew what Justin was getting out, but he had to let Justin say it himself. "Of course not. Just, you are one of my best friends and I love ya no matter what! And Chris seemed really cool, so I am sure that I would grow to love him just as I love you. Why?" Lance agreed to let Justin say it himself, but he was gonna push it a little. Justin would never get it out if he didn't. "Because... I mean it wasn't true. I just got to thinking that maybe... I wouldn't mind if it was." Justin scooted away and waited for Lance to hit him, or at least get up and storm out. Lance said he wouldn't mind, but that didn't ease the fear in Justin that much. Lance just smiled and gave him a hug. "Listen, it is late. Chris won't even get home until 1 AM right?" Lance asked as he saw the clock reading 12:45. "More like 1:30. Why?" The wheels in Lance's head were turning. "Tomorrow, we are gonna get you and Christopher back on track." Lance smiled, but Justin just shook his head. "Lance, the truth isn't that Chris was mad about the assumption you made. It had to have been the words from me that followed that pissed him off. It had to be. And I dunno if I would forgive me. I can't ask him to." Justin started to cry again. He couldn't stand the thought of having no more 'conversations' that had kept him sane while on tour, or spending his vacation with his family instead of Chris. Lance quickly spoke up. "Justin, he loves you. You did something stupid and it was pretty bad, but if the love is there, nothing else matters. Both of you will be able to see past all the words, and denials, and bull and just see what is there. You can at least save your friendship, if not gain a love." Justin was shocked by the way Lance was handling all this. "Thank you Lance. For being there for me and now helping me. It means a lot." Lance couldn't help but smile at him. "Anything for a friend. Now, get some sleep and think about what you are gonna say when you see Christopher. Tomorrow is gonna be a long day." Lance got up and turned the lights out. He turned to see Justin lay down and stepped out the door. He hoped this plan of his worked. He would have doubted if Christopher was really gay, because there was nothing solid to go with that. But Lance was sure what Chris felt by his eyes. 'The eyes are the windows to you soul' ran through Lance's head. He had to be right. He quickly walked into his own room and was soon fast asleep.
As the cab pulled into my driveway I noticed two cars in the way. My parents were home. This was new. They hadn't planned on being home until 2 more weeks. I hated the thought of going in there. If I did, then I would have a no end interrogation. Not because I hadn't been home that night, or the past two days, but because I was there. They hounded me no matter what so, I decided not to go in there. I quickly gave the cab driver new directions and we were off. I had told him how to get to my best friend, Melissa's house. She was truly the only friend I had ever had and kept. She was always there for me and I cared for her as much as Justin, minus the romantic involvement. She knew that I was gay and I she had suspicions that I was seeing someone. Ever since I started talking Justin, she had thought that. I always denied it, but she knew something was up. Now, she would know everything. I had to talk to someone. I needed that. It was almost two now, but she would get up to see me, if she wasn't up already. If I was lucky though, I wouldn't have to wake her. Her roommate and close friend Rebecca had gone out like she had done ever weekend before. If the dates didn't go well, by around midnight, she ditched them and looked for someone better. If she didn't find any, she would come home. Maybe I would catch her coming home. As the cab turned the corner and Melissa's house came up, I knew I wouldn't. I got out and paid the cabby, tipping him well. I slowly walked up to the door and rang the doorbell repeatedly.
Melissa did not look happy as she opened the door. She brightened somewhat when she realized it was me, but not by much. "Christopher, what are you doing here? It is..." She was looking for the time. I started my way in. "A little after two. I know:" I said finishing her statement. She must have heard the hurt in my voice because she closed the door and ran to me. "Are you OK? You sounds if you have been crying. What happened? Was this about the guy you have been seeing?" She would have kept the questions coming had I not stopped her. "Whoa. Just chill for a second." She came closer to me and put her arms around me. "Sorry. I just got scared. I have never seen you like this." I thought about that and she was right. No one ever saw me depressed. I had always taken out all my depression, anger, and frustration at home. That way, no one I knew would ever ask me stuff like, what is wrong?' or what is going on in your life?' I didn't want to answer questions like that. Now, I would have to. "It is about the guy you think I have been seeing. I wasn't seeing him in the since we were dating. He doesn't even now I am gay. But he was my best friend." And that is where it started. I told her all about my e-mail, the response to it, the meeting, everything. She sat through most of it stunned. Half stunned because of who the guy was. Half stunned that this had been going on for 4 months and she was just hearing about it. But she continued to listen to all of it. I cried pretty much uncontrollably while I told the story. Especially when it cam to the end. "Then, I just left. I got in the cab and drove off. I didn't even go back to Virgin Records for my car. I couldn't think about anything, but what he had said." She just kept hugging me. "I am so sorry Chris. I had no idea any of this was happening." She was so caring. That was what I loved about her so much. We didn't talk much, just held each other. I needed that. The feeling that I was loved and that I wasn't alone. No matter how normal the feeling was to me, being alone was still hard. I quickly fell asleep in her arms thinking about... mostly about Justin.
Justin had finally gone to sleep around 2 o' clock, but had awaken so many times, that when he awoke at 5:30 he stayed awake. He took a shower, got dressed, and sat in front of the TV thinking of what to say today. He was nervous. What if he had ruined the best thing he had? He would have to get it back. That was obvious. Now the hard part was how. That was something lacking, and needed very badly. Then it came to him. He ran to his computer, started AOL, and waited.
The sun was bright. I had to give God that. When he made something, he made it. I thought this as I woke up on Melissa's couch. I had been awaken only half way by the sun. The other half was car doors slamming. The doors also had waken Melissa. We both sat up and ran towards the window to look at who it could be so early. I thought to myself, `Did Justin know where Melissa live? Did I tell him?' Melissa soon comforted my fears. "You would think Rebecca could be a little quieter." She said laughing. I couldn't help but smile. Rebecca gave each of the four guys a kiss on the cheek and came hopping in. "Well, I am... Oh, hey Chris. How are you doin'?" She said as perky as ever. She was such a definition of a blonde. It was kinda sad in a way. "Hey Beck, I'm fine. And from the look of things, you doing pretty good yourself." I said pointing to the car pulling away. "Actually, I think they would be more you speed." She said laughing. She knew I was gay and made cracks about it all the time. Nothing bad like what Justin had said, just all fun and games. I loved her to death, so it was a cool. "They just gave me a ride when I ditched..." Melissa smiled. "His name was Alex." She just tilted her head. "Oh, yeah. When Alex ditched me. Thanks Missy." Rebecca had the sarcasm down. We all sat down and had some breakfast and took turn showering. I had always left clothes at Melissa's in case I ever needed a break from whatever. They had proved useful now as they always had. After I got done I went straight to the computer. "Hey Missy. I'm gonna check my mail, k?" I was already signing on as I said this. "Yeah, sure. You know I don't care." She was yelling so loud I almost had to cover my ears. I mean, she was in the shower but it was connected to her bedroom where her computer was. She didn't have to be so loud.
As soon as I signed on I got a message that almost made my break down right there. I hadn't even read it yet, but it was from Justin. "Listen Chris, I know you are mad or whatever and it is all my fault. You have no idea how sorry I am and we really need to talk. Please. I am begging you." I didn't know what to do. I knew it was wrong, but I had to reply. I still loved him. Even though his words played in my mind over again, I couldn't shake the feeling. "What do you want to say? I am listening." I tried to sound cold, as if I didn't care. I did care and that was the problem. "No, no. Not over the internet. That is so impersonal. We need to meet somewhere. How about it?" He was making this too hard. I don't know how I would act around him. That was the whole reason I left in the first place. I didn't know how to act around Justin. But how could I turn him down? "I guess. Where? When?" I knew this was all wrong. "Today at 1 o' clock at Virgin Records. Please." I couldn't turn him down. He could have asked anything of me right then and I would have said yes. "I will be there. Well, I have got to go. I'll see ya around." I signed off immediately. Luckily, Melissa had already gotten out of the shower and was dressed by the time I decided what to do. "Hey Mel, I'm gonna take a cab back to Virgin and get my car. Thanks for everything and I'll call ya later. OK?" I couldn't tell her the real reason I was going to Virgin. She would have never let me go. She would have thought I was running into something I would get hurt in. "If you want to. Call me as soon as you get back." I agreed and called the cab. By the time we got on the interstate it was 12:00. I would be there 30 minutes early so I would have time to get ready. If I had to face him, I had to prepare myself. If I didn't, we wouldn't talk because I would be crying too much. This felt like the hardest thing I have ever had to face. We arrived at the store at 12:30 and I paid the cab. I ran over to my car and pulled it closer to the store. I stepped out and went to the cafe right across from Virgin. I was meeting Justin in front of the store so I should see him coming before he sees me. And I would have had he not been at the store since he IMed me.
Justin knew Chris all to well. He had missed the whole gay thing due to denial, but he knew everything else about him. Justin had planned on me coming early and even planned on me sitting at that cafe cross the street. He had gone upstairs in Virgin and sat at the tables next to the windows to watch me until it was time for his entrance. He wouldn't make it so easy for himself to be spotted though. If things went right, he had planned to sneak up behind me at the cafe and get the upper hand in the conversation. He had to go first or he would never get out what he longed to say. He sat there and watched me for 30 minutes thinking about how this was gonna go. I too, was thinking how this was gonna go. Why did Justin want to talk to me? I had gathered from our conversation last night that Justin didn't know the real reason I had run off. He seemed to think it was Lance implying us as a couple. I don't really know how to tell him that is was him, not Lance. I would have the chance to think of something before.... My train of thought was lost as I felt a hand touch my shoulder. I turned to see Justin standing there looking towards the ground. "Well, hey.... um... here. Sit down." I stumbled out as I pulled out a chair. I had planned on going somewhere else to talk than the front of Virgin, or even the cafe, but the cafe was empty and we were way in the back. "So, Justin. How ya been?" I laughed nervously. I couldn't believe that I couldn't find one thing to say to Justin. The same person who I spent four months having thousands of six our talks with. It was strange and I hated it. I waited to see what Justin had brought me here for. `This is it Justin. DO IT!' Justin thought before he finally spoke.
"Chris, about last night. I know you ran off because of what I said to Lance. But you have to understand why I said that though. When Lance asked me about you... I mean about you and me as a.... as a couple, it threw me. I didn't know what to think or feel. So, I reacted the only way I knew how, I put my defenses up and.... and I lied." I was shocked and had no idea what he meant. He started to tear up a little, but continued. "When Lance said he thought we were a couple, I was so... I was happy. I thought for a second what it would be like and I loved that thought. Then, something in me clicked. I couldn't have someone know I was gay. I wasn't even sure I was gay until I met you. But when I met you, things changed. My world didn't seem as dull and meaningless as it once did. I didn't need to feel alone, or so depressed all I did was work to not think about it. I realized on the way back from the concert something really important. I... Chris... I love you. And you mean too much to me to let you slip out of my life now. I don't want to lose you. Please, forgive me. Stay with me. Say... Say you love me too." I sat there amazed. We were both crying and both needed someone to hold but we were so scared. I didn't know what to say. A thousand things rushed in my head, and I must have thought a thousand things to say back to him that would have been what I should have said. But I found myself doing only one thing. I leaned forward and lifted his chin with my hand. I inched in and slowly put my lips against his. There was no rush, or fear, or even embarrassment about us being in public. Nothing mattered at that moment but us. We were all we needed. He slowly started kissing back and I was so happy. Everything I had just heard made me the happiest person alive, so I still, to this day, don't know why I did what I did next. As Justin started to slip his tongue in I backed off.
"Justin, I love you so much. In the past four months I have felt something for you I have never felt before. And everything you just said made me feel ten times better yet. But, I am sorry. I.... I have to go." I stood up and started towards my car. I heard Justin calling out my name and crying. he started to follow me but I just ran as fast as I could to my car. I had to get out of there. I have no idea why I left and why I was still running. I didn't know anything that I felt and I didn't know what to do. You would think that after all that Justin and I had gone through, especially in the last two days, I would have given anything to have the moment we just had. And you would be right. I would have. So, when I finally got that moment why I ran? I have no idea.
TBC
- So, do you still like it? I hope so. Thanks to all of you that read and, and more thanks to you if you wrote me e-mail. I love all of you for it. Send all stuff to mlnscrm@aol.com. Thanks!! :)