This is a work of fiction. I'm not really Justin Timberlake, nor do I know him. The dates and events depicted here have no bearing on reality and as far as I know, no member of Nsync is gay. This is all written for fun and I hope you enjoy it.
March 19, 1997
I've been hiding out, seeing as little of anyone as I possibly can. I don't know how to work things out with Lance. I don't know how I can apologize. I know I should, and I want to, but every time I think about it, I just sort of freeze up. I'm ashamed of how I acted. I don't think I even deserve Lance's forgiveness, even if he was willing to give it to me.
JC. He loves me. I can't get over that. It's so unfair that he loves me but isn't gay! Is he lying to himself? Is he just not able to deal with the fact that he's gay or bisexual or whatever? He was so fine about me and Lance being gay, though. I don't understand. Is he lying to me, then? Was that whole thing about loving me in the same way just to make me feel less awkward about him knowing?
No. That's not JC. He wouldn't do that. It's the truth. He loves me like I love him. A lot of good that does me! How can a guy be in love with another guy and not be gay? Is that possible? I'm so confused.
And I've been acting like a total jerk for the past few days. Whenever I am around the other guys, I just can't seem to help it. I just start acting like an asshole. Maybe it's a defense thing. Maybe it's my way of not having to deal with any of this right now.
I heard Chris saying something about me getting a big head already. He said that he knew it would happen eventually, that being the teen heartthrob all the girls screamed for would make me a 'diva' as he put it. Then Joey said that I always did have that need to be the center of attention, no matter what.
That hurt, because I don't think I'm being a diva. I'm just hurting inside and confused and I don't know how else to deal with any of this. Life sucks.
March 22, 1997
I feel so alone. I've barely talked to JC in days. I just can't deal with him and all of that. And Lance, he's become so important in my life. I didn't even realize how much he meant to me until now.
I think if he'd been acting mad at me or hurt, I'd have been able to deal with apologizing much sooner. But he hasn't really acted any different towards me. He's still polite and friendly, just in a sort of reserved way. It's like I'm someone he knows, but not very well. I think that scares me more than anything. What if we never get that friendship we had back?
It looks like he's already found a replacement, too. Or maybe more than that. I finally psyched myself up earlier tonight and went to see him. But he wasn't in his room. When he didn't answer my knock, I thought he was probably in the shower or something, so I waited awhile and then went back. But there was still no answer. And then Chris came out of his room and told me that Lance went out with that guy, Nick. From the Backstreet Boys.
Chris said that when he and Lance were at the studio this morning, they ran into the other guys. And somehow, Lance and Nick started talking and now they're out somewhere together. I don't know if it's a date or just a friend thing or what. It figures that Lance would have to choose the night I was finally going to apologize to go out with someone! And what's up with that, anyway? From the way he acted at the game, I thought Nick had a thing for me. Not that I mind if he and Lance are on a date. It's none of my business. But it's irritating when someone likes you one minute and someone else the next!
Even if I didn't love JC, I probably wouldn't go for Nick. He's good looking and everything, but he just seemed pretty immature. Lance can have him if he wants. I guess nobody wants me any more. Not Lance, not Nick. JC loves me, but he doesn't want me because he's so straight. Chris and Joey don't even seem like they want me in the group any more. Maybe I should just make everyone happy and go back home.
March 23, 1997
I was in a bad mood when I wrote last night, if you couldn't tell. I felt really alone and left out, though. I should be happy for Lance. I mean, he's a great guy. And Nick seemed like a nice guy, too. So if they're dating, good. I don't know why it bothered me so much last night. I guess I felt left out because I thought Nick liked me, and I knew that Lance liked me. And suddenly it was like they were both saying "Let's forget about that guy." And really, that should be a good thing. I don't want anyone but JC to be in love with me.
I told Lance that I need to talk to him when he's got time. Hopefully that'll be tonight. I can apologize and get this stupid mess cleaned up. And maybe find out if he and Nick are really going out, or if it was just a friends thing. He hasn't said anything about it today, at least not around me. I kept hoping Chris or one of the other guys would ask him how it went, but they didn't.
It's hardest to be around JC. I think it's hard for him to be around me right now, too. It's just all awkward between us because it's like these feelings are just hanging there, unresolved.
March 24, 1997
I had to cut my entry short last night because Lance knocked on the door. We finally talked. I told him that I was really sorry for the basketball game, that I knew I was a real jerk and that it was a terrible thing to do to a friend. He said that it was okay, that he knew I was just mad about him telling JC that he'd told me. But that was still no excuse and I told him so. And that I'd really missed him a lot. He said he'd missed me, too. That was good to hear.
Then we talked about our 'love lives'. I wasn't sure if I should say anything about JC at first, but I had to talk to someone. It was driving me crazy. So I told him what JC said, that he loves me but isn't gay. Lance said he wasn't that surprised, that he'd sort of suspected for awhile that JC was having feelings for me. But JC isn't the type to express them, he just writes songs. That's how he deals with anything he feels. That's one of the things I love about him. Whenever I see him with his song notebook, my heart skips a beat. He'll write a little, then stop to look out a window or off into space, and his eyes just look so soft and so dreamy. And I always wonder what he's seeing, in his mind. Where it's taking him, what he's feeling.
Anyway, Lance said he didn't know what to say about JC. I asked if he thought JC was gay, and he said he didn't know. I asked what happened to his gaydar and he just laughed. So I said that it turned out he was right about Nick Carter, right?
Lance just grinned and didn't say anything. He didn't blush, though. That made me think that nothing was happening between them. I know Lance, he's the type who'd blush at the very mention of the guy's name! So I asked if they had a nice date the other night. He said it wasn't a date, they just went out to eat and talked some. He wouldn't tell me about what, though. He just said it was mostly music stuff.
I asked if he liked Nick 'that way' and he said he wasn't sure. Which I think means no. I mean, when you like someone in that way, you usually know right away, I think.
So, at least I have Lance back as a friend. That makes me feel a lot better about things. And since he's not going to be going out with Nick all the time, I won't have to share him with a boyfriend. Because once someone starts dating, you hardly ever see them again! I'd hate that.
March 25, 1997
JC came in here about an hour ago. At first I thought that maybe he was going to tell me that he'd changed his mind, that he couldn't love me and not be with me. But no. He was just here to tell me what an asshole I am. Not that he used those exact words.
It was about Lance. JC thinks that Lance is too easy on me because he has feelings for me. He said that treating Lance that way on the court was bad enough, but then to not apologize for days until I wanted to know what Lance did with Nick was really low.
I tried to tell him that that wasn't what happened. That I wanted to apologize before. JC said he hoped that was true, because if it wasn't, he doesn't even think he knows me any more. He said the way i've been acting towards all the other guys makes him wonder if the growing fame isn't really going to my head.
I started to cry then, it hurt so much to know JC was thinking that way about me. I know I've been a jerk lately. I know that I probably even took advantage of Lance's feelings and didn't make things up to him like I should have. I don't want to be like that. I love Lance, he's one of my best friends. All the guys are like my brothers.
Do I play off Lance's feelings for me? I don't think so. Maybe I count on them a little too much, though. Maybe I do think that he'll always be there and always forgive me because he likes me.
I don't know. I just know that I have been acting badly lately and I need to make a serious effort to put things right again with the other guys.
There was one moment tonight that almost makes everything worth it. When I was crying, JC reached out and brushed one of the tears off my cheek with his fingers. He was looking at me like he wanted to take me in his arms. The same way I've probably looked at him a million times.
I don't care what he says. JC is in love with me and that's all that matters. Gay or straight doesn't. We can be together. Once I get things put right with the guys and really make things up to Lance, maybe I can work on getting JC to accept that sexuality doesn't matter when it comes to love. We really could be together. I just have to make him see that.
Sorry, I know I promised that it wouldn't be months and months before the next chapter. But then I got a new job and I've hardly had a free minute to write since! I hope the story was at least somewhat worth the wait.
You can let me know what you think at just_jamie007@hotmail.com