I've been doing some serious thinking about where I'm going with the story. I know I have to get them together at some point. I've even written it already, it just doesn't feel right. Not just yet. Be patient.
I don't know them. This is all part of my imagination.
Love, take care and always remember that I love you!
Now with the story.
Just the truth By M. F. Luder
Chapter 7
"Skull."
"Got it."
"Mandible."
"Got it."
"Vertebrae."
"Got it."
"Clavicle."
"Got it."
"Scapula."
'Where are you?' I thought to myself while looking at the picture in the book. "There you are!" I said a loud. "Got it."
"Manubrium."
"Got it."
I kept looking at the picture, I had to sighed. Quite a way to spend a Saturday night, don't you think? I couldn't believe that I was studying something as boring as Anatomy on a Saturday night!
I had been studying the bones on the body for around an hour already and all I could remember were half of them and only two ligaments. And lets not even talk about the muscles and tendons. I didn't barely remembered the Temporal and the Tendons of long digital extensors.
At least if Kate was here I could talked her into watching some tv or going to the movies. But no! She had to go to a friend's house about this project of hers. She almost didn't go, afraid of leaving me alone after what had happened yesterday. But I told her that nothing would happen and that she had to finish that project so we could go bowling some time this month!
"Enough Anatomy for the day." With that I closed my book and placed it back in the bookshelf. If I left it out, Kate would have my head.
"Now what do I do?" I asked myself while looking around the study. I could always get on line and see what's new. Nope. I've been checking my email too much lately and I wasn't feeling in the mood for fanfic.
I made my way to the living room and started looking through it. I was even thinking of calling Nick and see if he wanted to have an X-Files' marathon or something like it. As I was about to look through my videos and see what I could analyze instead of being bored out of my freaking mind, the phone started to ring.
Picking it up, I laid on the couch. "Caldwell." I had gotten used to answer the phone with my last name for the past couple of years. Becoming a Phile had a lot to do with that.
"Matt?"
I remembered the voice, but I just couldn't place it. "Yep. That's me. Who are you?"
"It's Kevin."
Oh Crap! The last thing I wanted was to speak with him. After what had happened yesterday, I had promised myself to try to forget him. Sure I'll keep my friendship with Nick, after all you never had enough Phile friends. But him. I didn't want to speak, let alone see him.
"Matt?" he asked, thinking that maybe I had hanged up.
Recovering quickly, I answered. "Yeah. Umm. I'm here."
"How are you?"
'Dyeing by hearing your voice.' Was my first thought. Of course I couldn't say that to him! "Fine, just studying a little bit."
"Sorry for interrupting you."
"Don't worry, actually I was thinking of taking a break. The last thing I want is keep studying Anatomy." I was keeping my voice steady and confident. Now, trying to believe it was something else.
"I'm kinda bored myself. If you like, we could get together."
'No! No! No!' was what my mind screamed. I was way too fragile in that moment to be able to face him. Being 'with' him in a close space was out of the question. However my mouth seemed to have a life in itself, as I answered. "Sure. You can come over."
"Wouldn't Kate mind?"
"She'd never mind. Besides she's at a friend's house right now. Some project of hers to finish."
"Ok. What about half an hour?"
"Sounds good to me. Half an hour then."
"Bye."
"Bye." After hanging the phone I just stood there, staring at it. I couldn't believe what I had just done. Kevin was coming over and I had invited him to it!
"Half an hour." I said to myself. I had half an hour to find enough inner strength to be able to hang out with him. I sat on the couch for a moment and tried to calm my breathing. When I knew that my pulse rate was within charts, I looked at myself. I was with some sweat pants, an used long sleeves shirt and old sneakers.
"I need to change." With that resolution I made my way to my room. After rummaging trough my closet for a little bit, I settle for some black cargo pants, gray long sleeves shirt and sneakers.
As I went to look myself in the mirror, I could pretty easy my fear in my eyes. "I can't do this." I muttered to myself. "I can't."
It had been a miracle that I had been able to held myself last night as well as I had. Kate had been almost frantic this morning, worried as hell about me. I hadn't said anything about it, which was one of the things that worried her the most. And now Kevin was coming over. If she finds out, she'd go ballistic. Not only for me not listening to my own advice about forgetting him, but at her for letting all of this happen in the first place.
What if something did happen tonight?
'Nothing will, you silly! He's straight. He was engaged for God's sake!'
"At least I know that now and before I made a fool of myself." I told my reflection in the mirror. Picking up the comb, I run it through my short black hair.
'What about last night? On the boat? When you almost kissed him?'
Letting the comb fall, I covered my face with my hands. "God." I still couldn't believe that I had actually intended on kissing him. And after I had discovered he had been engaged! I was thankful to the heavens above that I had seen the light - literally - before making a mistake I would have probably regretted the rest of my life.
'And then why did you invited him over?'
"Good question." I added sarcastically. I didn't know. For the life of me, I didn't know why I had said what I had said.
I liked him. That was underestimated. But I was also his friend. If I was able to get through the afternoon with him, just being his friend, then I was gonna be safe. He was a great guy and I didn't have many friends.
'Try none.'
Ok. I didn't have any friends besides Kate. The guys seemed great. Nick and I had truly clicked - being philes helping. He was around our age and I felt like we could truly trust him.
'Do you really feel like that? Then why didn't you tell him?'
"Yeah!, like I would say something that private!" I answered waving my hands to emphasize my point. I had barely talked about it with Kate over the last couple of years. There was no way I was gonna talk about it to someone - even though I though dearly of Nick - I had just met.
Realizing what had I been doing for the last couple of minutes, I had to laugh at myself. I had been having a very deep discussion between my mind and my conscience.
"Ok. Now I am most definitely not going to a psychology if I ever have something to say about it. The last thing I need is prove that I'm nuts."
Giving myself one last look in the mirror, I decided to wait for him downstairs.
'Cologne?'
"Do I want to seduce him?" The question run through the room.
'I don't know. Do you?'
I stared at the bottle of Adidas cologne for a minute. Did I want to put some on or did I not? I didn't really know. It stood there, like challenging me to try it on.
'Ok. A bottle challenging you? You've truly lost it now.'
"Who said I ever 'had it' before?" I said aloud with a smile. I was really, really going out of the chart with this mental conversation of mine. If anything, it was as funny as the ones I have with Kate!
Taking one last glance at the bottle in discussion, I just left. I wasn't planning on 'seducing' Kevin at all. He was my friend.
'A friend you like.'
"But my friend at the end!" Finished as I made my way down the stairs. Looking at my watch, I realized that Kevin was probably going to arrive any minute now.
Without nothing else do to but wait, I decided to drink some water. Going to the refrigerator, I looked through it.
'Gatorade?'
"Nope. Not in the mood."
'Tea?'
"I'd have to boil water. Too much work."
'Water?'
"I hate water!"
'Yogurt?'
"Pineapple yogurt?"
'Yep!'
"Ok."
Picking up the bottle, I took a sip right from it. Kate would have been mad, but hey, she wasn't there.
Just then I heard the doorbell ringing and made my way to the door. Looking through the peephole, I saw Kevin standing there. With a smile, I opened the door for him.
"Good to see you Kevin." Stepping aside, I motioned for him to come into the house. I closed the door after he had gotten in and knew that I had too stay cool.
Turning to see him, he was grinning.
"What?"
Giggling a little, his nose all wrinkled, his eyes shining with laughter, he closed the space that separated us. "Your lips."
I knew breathing had probably stopped by time, coz I didn't feel any oxygen in my lungs. I was asphyxiating just by being next to him!
His fingers reaching out slowly. I looked up at him. His piercing green eyes were so very deep, I just wanted to stare at them for the longest time. Brushing his thumb against my upper lip. "You had a mustache." He muttered as he showed me his thumb with something yellow.
Crap! He was right. Blushing slightly, I rubbed my index finger against my upper lip, hoping that I had gotten it all out.
"It's ok now." He said with a smile. Sure he was happy! I was down embarrassed
"The yogurt. Pineapple yogurt. I had some right before opening the door." I stumbled over my words, trying to made up for my foulness just a minute ago.
"It's alright."
I just nodded and excused myself for a moment. As I got into the kitchen, I leaned over the wall. Only this man could made me feel like a silly kid and he had only been here for five minutes! There was no way I was gonna be able to have him here the rest of the afternoon. I checked my watch. 7.05pm. He'd probably just stay until nine or nine thirty. No more. I didn't think I could even bare more than that.
Taking a couple of breaths, I made my way out of the kitchen. He was looking at some of the pictures that Kate had placed around the living room, over the fireplace, the walls and all around the house. All the decoration had been her work. I had just gotten in and unpacked. What can I say? I knew she had great taste, so I let her.
I walked over to where he was standing. He had a portrait in his hands, looking at it thoughtfully. He saw me coming over and smiled at me.
"Are these your parents?"
I looked closely at the picture. It was my school graduation. Smiling at the memory, I answered. "Nope, actually those are Kate's parents. That was our graduation."
"Don't you have a picture of them?"
"They weren't in the graduation. My father had something to do, some case I think. Mom didn't want to fly over alone." My voice calmly and expressionless. It didn't hurt anymore. The day before, when they had called and said that they couldn't make it but where sending me over a bottle of Champagne to celebrate with Kate, I had been crushed. It was my graduation and they weren't there.
"Oh. Sorry." His voice regretfully, thinking that it probably brought back unwanted memories for me.
"No. Don't worry. They were busy people." Flashing him a reassuring smile. The last thing I wanted was him feeling sorry for something that wasn't his fault - nor mine, as it had taken me long enough to understand.
"What about this one?" he asked as he picked up another portrait
"Prom." I said while brushing my fingers over the edge. I had had a blast that night. "That's Kate and me. She looked lovely in that dress." Her mom had gotten her a gorgeous gown that accentuated all her curves. It was very simple. It was black, strapless. You could barely see her high heels. However it did have a very high cleavage. In the picture I was behind her. My arms around her lithe waits, my head resting on her shoulder. She had her arms on mine.
"You make a cute couple." I didn't sense his discomfort about the subject. He felt, somehow, jealous about the memory. It was very obvious that we had a great time that time - we even looked so very much in love.
"Thanks. That was what people said that night. Kate and I just laughed it off." Of course we had! She knew perfectly fine that I love her, but wasn't in love with her.
"And this one?"
I froze when I saw the picture Kevin was holding. I thought I had gotten rid of all those! "Competition." Was all my answered.
"Swimming competition?"
I nodded. In the picture were Kate and I, our classical pose. Me behind with my arm on her shoulders. She was dressed on sweat pants and shirt. I was on my black bikini Speedo's, swimming hat and my goggles on my hand. My gold medal on. If I remembered correctly, it was one of the first competitions I had been in. It was back in school, I was about fifteen at the time. I had won first place in Free Style in the Stateless Competition in Massachusetts. Kate, and even her parents, had been there. Mine didn't go - nothing new. I had been so happy at the time.
Kevin looked at me and realized that it wasn't something I was comfortable with. Giving me a smile, he placed the picture where he had found it and we made our way to the couch.
We sat there, in silence, for sometime. I was surprisingly calm. I didn't feel anxious or nervous as I had before he had arrived. Without saying anything, I stood up and made my way to the back of the house. Walking through the dinning room - that we hardly ever use since we always ate in the kitchen - I got to the French doors that let to the yard and the pool.
It was already dark and the star were visible. It wasn't like back in Massachusetts, but it was nice enough. With a smile in my face, I laid down on the grass. The pool still visible in my peripheral vision. The water looked so calm and peaceful under the full moon. I felt Kevin laying on the grass as well, by my side
"They are beautiful, aren't they?" his voice soft, as if not wanting to disturb the atmosphere.
"Yeah. I love doing this. Coming out here and just laying on the grass looking at the stars."
"As much as you love swimming?"
I froze. Again. "I think it's a different type of love." Was my answer after a moment. I was gad that I managed to keep my tone steady and normal. "Swimming is something I've been doing for a long time. It calms my nerves somehow. But the stars..." I looked at them and could recognize a couple of constellations. "They are different. It's like I feel there are watching me." Smiling thoughtfully, I look at one in particular - or where it should be. Lyre. I remember how fascinated I had been by it when I had seen it for the first time.
"Besides swimming, that was my only hobby when I was a kid." I had to smiled when I remembered a particular event that I'll always cherish in my memory. "Richard even bought me this huge poster of the sky and all the stars that I placed on the ceiling of my room. I used to stare at them every night before going to sleep."
Looking at Lyre once again, I pointed at it. "Do you see that one?" I waited for Kevin to nod before continuing. "That one is Lyre. I had to be 12 or 13 when I found it. Lilyan and Richard gave me a telescope for my b-day. I was thrilled with it!" I laughed as I remember how excited I had been that day. "I would watch the stars for hours. Lyre became my fav. I don't even know why, but it just seemed... hypnotizing somehow."
I stayed quiet for a moment, I could hear Kevin's even breathing and it was soothing in a very special and romantic way. Shaking my head before my line of thought could continue down a road that I knew wouldn't do me any good, I decided to continue with my story. "When my grandma died..." I had to take a breath because, even thought it had been four years since she passed away, it still hurt. "It hurt so bad." I kept quiet for another moment, I knew my voice was going to quiver soon enough and I didn't want to show any weakness. Not to him.
Despite the fact that I had try to cover my feelings, Kevin propped up on his elbow and looked at me. "It still hurts, doesn't it?"
Looking back at his piercing green eyes, I just nodded. "I was a lot closer to her than to my parents." It was the truth, but only half the truth.
"If you don't wanna talk about it--"
"No. It's ok." I gazed at the stars again, focusing on Lyre. I heard Kevin laying down again, and decided to continue. "I don't really know why, but I was so sure that she had gone to Lyre. Like she was there, watching over me. I know it's silly and everything, and I did knew in my mind that it was only my idea, but it helped to know that she was closer to me and that she hadn't really left." I could feel tears threatening to fall, so I closed my eyes and tried to keep up my feelings inside. But my tears had another idea. Not long after that I could feel a couple of them making their way through my cheeks.
As I was about to wipe them with the palm of my hand, however I felt a finger slowly wiping them out and caressing my cheeks in the process.
Opening my eyes I realized Kevin was leaning on his side, his sapphire green eyes full of concern and understanding. I had to bite my lip not to lean into the caress, I knew that if I did, he'd probably think something was going on. After he had wiped out the moisture on my cheeks, he retrieved his hand from my cheek and stood there, just looking at me.
Nothing was said for a moment, we were happy enough with just looking into each other and hearing the other's heart beat. I wanted so bad to kiss him but I knew the truth behind all this. He was just being a good friend worrying for me. Nothing more.
Kevin's heart had almost broken when he saw tears running down my cheeks. He had wanted to kiss me and just make all the pain and sorrow go away. Still he knew that he could do nothing about it but just try to be there for me.
"I think I could have dealt with anything, but my grandma dyeing was something that run a lot deeper with me." My voice was very soft and husk by my tears. I wanted to tell him so much more. I needed to talk with someone besides Kate for a change. But then again, I'd have to explain a couple of things that I wasn't ready to. Not just yet.
"I felt the same way when I father died." I heard him say. He had laid down on the grass once again. "It was so... horrible to see him get weaker and weaker with time." I could see he was trying his best to hold the tears, just like I had. "He had always been so independent, and when the time came, mom had to help him so much." By this time two tear drops were making it's way down his perfect sculpted cheeks. Propping up on my elbow and did the same he had done for me, wiped his tears with my finger tips.
Then I realized something. Both of us had lost something very precious to us. He his father and me my grandmother. However his attachment to his own father was understandable, but mine run a lot deeper than he could ever imagine.
I sighed as he glanced back at me. With a sighed, I let laid down on the grass.
None of us said anything for a long time. I can't even tell you how long it was before I heard movement next to me and I sat down to see what it was.
Kevin had stood up and walked over to the side of the pool, kneeling down by it just like I had back in the club. I walked to him and sat by his side. Turning to look at me, he smiled and did the same.
"I missed this." I murmured.
"What?"
"The contempt I have right now. I feel at ease."
Kevin glanced at the pool for a minute and then back at me. "You use the swimming as a calming way?"
I nodded. "Yeah. There I don't have to think, I don't have to worry about anything besides making a good time. I can let things take it's own curse and then I catch up with them. It's like it gives me some time to see them from a new perspective."
"I know what you mean. Playing the piano does that for me." his voice was so very soft, like he was sharing a deep secret with him.
"You play?" I had read something about it in one of the pages, but hadn't paid much attention.
"Yeah. I have a piano back home. In this study I had built for some recordings. It's great just to be there and let all my frustrations and worries out by the notes." 'And something more.' He thought. His pain and hurt as well.
I smiled at him. From the looks of it, we had the same feeling about problems. We needed time to think them over, and occasionally would hold up our feelings. Something Kate had tried to talked me out of it, but I just couldn't.
Suddenly I started giggling and I think I truly surprised Kevin, since he started looking at me funny. I kept giggling and laid on the grass once again.
"What?" he wondered.
"This is so weird." I said matter of fact.
"What?" he repeated.
Turning to look at him, I smiled. He had the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. I guess that if I stare at them long enough I'd have the guts to truly bend down and kiss him tenderly. 'Stop it!' Listening to my mind for the first time in a very long while, I answered his question. "All this." I waved my hands around to emphasize my point. "Me being here with you."
"Why is it weird?" I had truly lost him there. That was pretty obvious.
"It's always been Kate and me, always for the past 13 years. We've been all there was for the other all this time. Even now, I could say that she's my only friend." I didn't see Kevin flinch at my words. "But now.... it all changed."
"Changed? How?"
"I have five more friends. Even though I know you guys very little time, I still feel like you are my friends. Specially Nick. I guess being philes help get a friendship going on." I stayed quiet for a while, before going on with my rambling. "It has always been very difficult for both of us to trust people. I guess that's what I base everything around me on. Trust. If I can't trust someone, I can't be with that someone. Nor in friendship, let alone a relationship."
Kevin stood there, just looking at me. It was still amazing how much there was to actually get to know about me. His feelings for me, even though the kept denying it, were there, and if there was something he truly wanted, was to base them is something real - tangible.
"It was so not me when I started talking with Nick back in the store. I've never done that before. I'm a very close person. I have very few friends - just Kate. The people I trust, I trust completely. And starting a conversation with someone from nothing, was just not me. Even though I was the one who actually spoke first, it was Nick who gave me the open. I just took it. Something still amazes me but... I don't know. Guess I'm rambling already." I finished with a small laugh. Sometimes I could just get lost in my rezoning.
"No. You do make sense. Trusting is something basic for you. If anything more important that other stuff. Is that right?"
I only nodded, didn't need to say anything else. That was so very visible in my behavior - Kate's words. Not mine.
"I feel like I can trust Nick." Again, he flinched. "He's a great guy. I've never really had other close friends besides Kate. Just 'classmates' and our interaction usually ended there. Borrowing notes and asking about the exam date. Nothing much. But he's different. I do trust him."
'What about me?' was what his mind wanted to ask me. 'Do you trust me?' But how could he really said aloud without uncovering his secret? He didn't know. He wanted to make me feel comfortable above anything. He too, thought very high of trust. He trusted his friends with his life. The guys were his 'family'. Living with them on a small tour bus for the past eight years can do that to do. But their bond was even deeper. He had always felt like he had to take care of them. He even thought of them as 'his children'. He'd never say it aloud. They'd never let him hear the end of it. But those were his feelings put on words. He wanted to trust me and the trust to be return.
And, until some point, he already trusted me.
"I feel like I can trust you too." I finished after a little while of silence. I hadn't gotten any close to the rest of them besides Nick. AJ seemed a great guy, the kind of guy that can get you to laugh no matter the moment. Howie, he seemed really in tune with other people. Really close to AJ - that was obvious. Brian. Now the younger Kentucky cousin was really a mystery to me. If anything all I could feel from him - at the beginning, at least - was defensiveness. I had given him the benefit of the doubt. We had just met and probably he just needed time to get used to it.
Kevin.
He was totally different. What had struck me about him. Besides his great looks, that's for sure. I don't think I could even described it by mere words. I don't know what it was. I don't even know what made me stand up from my place with the guys and go over to him.
I sighed. I had lost my focus at some point and right now I didn't even know were I was heading with this conversation. If I was heading somewhere at all.
"I feel the same."
His voice surprised me, to say the least. I smiled at him, my eyes looking straight at his sapphire green eyes.
After silence had engulfed us for a while, he asked. "You don't put down roots, do you?"
"No." My voice didn't sound mine at all. I heard it like it was a thousand miles away from where I was standing. It tend to do that - my voice - when I talked about back home. "I don't sense the need. I'm where I am. That's all there is to it."
"Like here. Right now?"
"Yes. Like right now. When Kate and I decided to move here for college, it was very simple for me. Pack what was gonna be needed and get in a plane. Plain and simple. There was nothing holding me back in Massachusetts. My grandma had died long ago. Kate was coming with me. Her parents were heading for D.C. permanently, even though they still have the house back there. My parents..." I sighed at the memory. They had been long gone. If not physically, emotionally they had. "They were loving D.C. It was natural for me to move out."
"Is there something you miss from back home?"
I kept quiet for a while thinking about his question. Did I miss something at all?. "Little thing, I guess. But most important is going to visit my grandma. I used to go to her grave whenever I felt sad or down. Most of the time I'd just look at Lyre, but when I needed to talk with her 'face to face', so to speak, I'd go there and talk for hours. Now I just have to settle for Lyre."
Looking at the sky, the rest of the world seemed to disappear for that very same moment. I didn't care what was going on, I didn't even mind about it at all. I was so very pleased with how things were in that minute. I knew that the feeling that I had in that moment - at utter peace - wasn't gonna last too long, so I better enjoy it.
"This very same scenery back in the fields. It's much more quiet and tranquil when you've got nothing but grass two miles around you. It's one of the most wonderful feelings I've ever had. That I miss. It's ok when I'm here, but it's so not the same."
Kevin was mermecized by the deep tone with which I was speaking. He was, ever so slightly, opening to him and that was something he was cherishing deeply. He, himself, had always thought highly of his home back in Lexington. Were his brothers still lived and were was his mother. And his father's grave. Not going to his grave in a while, got him thinking. He felt the same as me towards that subject. Going over there and just talking like nothing had actually changed, was one of the things he like the most about his little trips back there.
"Do you ever feel lonely?" his voice was so soft, I was amazed at its tone. It was the one you usually use when you talk with a baby.
I sighed.
Loneliness
Sometimes it seemed as my second nature. There were so many facets to my character. I could be completely happy about something that had happened. But at the end of the day, the feeling of loneliness would be almost devastating.
"A lot." Was my only answer. My voice was steady enough to hide my true feelings about the subject at hand.
"How do you handle it? Being a single child and everything."
"Kate." I said with a smile. I felt captivated by the mood light, so bright and inviting. All I wanted was to stay like that for the time being and not think of anything at all. "She's been there with me for everything."
'Too much sometimes.' Was what my mind thought. It was right. Sometimes I even thought if I hadn't bored Kate, if I wasn't just a burden for her.
"You two are so very closed."
"Yeah. Knowing someone for that long, thirteen years, can do that to you."
"It's so weird that you two know each other so well, care so much for the other and aren't together." He needed to know why. Maybe it was torturing himself, but he had to ask it.
I sighed. I couldn't tell him the truth, but then again I couldn't say anything else that could possibly be a good to that question. "I don't know. I guess we both realize that we work better as friends than as a couple."
I turned around and looked at him. There were so many thing I didn't know about the mysterious person that stood by me. "What about you? Who do you trust the most?"
Kevin stood silent for a moment. What could he possible say? Besides the fact that for the past eight years that the group has been going on he had felt an outcast, the odd man out. It was true in it's very own nature. Nick had Brian, Frick and Frack. Howie and AJ had been friends since before the group itself got together.
And him. Well, he was the one that everyone go to. The one the guys trusted with their problems. The one who knew exactly what had to be done and where. Besides the living agenda that Kevin had become, he didn't know why else he was even in the group. He couldn't know.
"I don't know. Privacy is very important to me."
'Good answer Richardson.' His mind whispered.
"But you have to trust someone. Even though I usually go by the line 'Trust to no one Mister Mulder', I have Kate for me. The same way that Mulder only trusts Scully. You need a Scully." I stated with a smile, if anything I liked that analogy very much.
"A Scully?" he was so very amused by my comment. Only I could find a way to get X-Files into anything.
"Yep!" I exclaimed as I sat indian style by his side. "A Scully! Someone who is there for you all the time, someone who knows your deepest secrets. The only one for you. If not romantically, and I'm not saying that Mulder and Scully won't get together at the end of the show!, at least as a friend. It's like Kate and me. We are not 'together, together', but we're there for each other. You need a Scully!"
Kevin couldn't help buy laugh. The younger man's enthusiasm could be really contagious. A friend. He knew he needed someone who he could trust completely, but he had erased that thought a long time ago. There were so many things in his past, things he'd be afraid to say aloud.
"I don't know." His voice hesitantly. How could he ever trust someone so very much? Telling them everything that happen in his life? Specially after the whole issue with Greg. He sighed.
"Oh, come on! It's great to have someone to trust completely. That's one of the best feelings in the world. What about one of the guys?" As far as I had read, the guys had known each other for eight years already. He had to trust one of them.
"Brian and Nick are already best friends. God knows how they get along so very well, even thought the five years in between. AJ and Howie, well, they too are very close. They've known each other from before the group got together. I just... I can handle myself." His voice trying to held the truth behind his statement. He didn't want the younger man to see the hurt that stayed in his heart.
"Can you really?" my voice was soft and tender. Someway, somehow, I could see that there was something else beneath his comment. I could pretty easy see the fact that he felt lonely. If I could feel so very bad with Kate by my side, I truly didn't want to imagine how could Kevin feel all alone.
I don't know what made me do what I did next. Reaching ever so slowly, I caressed his right cheek with the back of my hand. My eyes locked with his piercing green eyes. I could see his soul in them. I knew that Kevin was probably trying to do the very same thing in mine. However I had years to deal with hiding all my feeling from the outside world. The only one who could actually read right through my barriers was Kate. I could look all calm and normal, when I was really braking in the inside.
Kevin leaned into my touch, his eyes closing slightly. It had been so long since the last time anyone had showed love and tenderness to him. He missed it so very much, he hadn't even know. He could feel tears welling up in his eyes, forcing himself to held them inside. At least he'd try to keep some part of his life as a secret.
"You need someone." My voice barely above a whisper. I could identify so very much with his soul. I too felt so very alone so many times. Kate'd be there to tell me that I wasn't alone at it, but sometimes I still felt like I was a burden for her. She could do so much better, different, than having me around.
I let out a contempt sigh as I moved closer to him. Turning my hand over on his cheek, my palm now against it, I placed his face against my chest. He complained to my unspoken request and let himself be held by me. I opened my legs further apart, so he could sit between them more comfortably. He buried his head in the crock of my neck, hugging me, his arms around my back. I turned my face a little bit, my own cheek pressed against his.
Placing my left hand in his hair, I started to stroke his scalp slowly, trying to ease away the pain. My right hand rubbing his left forearm. I could feel his breathing on my ear, knowing exactly that it was anything but steady. He was trying to calm himself down, not to show me any weakness. I had to get him to open up to me, I just had to. I don't know why I felt like I felt. I knew I was going right into a heartbreak. I had wanted to be away from him as much as possible, but then again, in that moment I wanted to help him. To make him feel loved, wanted.
'I'm nuts' my logical mind told me.
Yeah, I knew I was. If anything that was the only reasonable thought that was running thought my senses. But I couldn't let him go. My heart was telling me different. For once in my life, I was gonna do as it said.
Kevin breathed in the younger man's essence. So calming it filled his senses and could be intoxicating. He felt saved and loved. Not wanting to ever let go, but knowing it will end soon. Everything good never last for too long. Hugging him a little bit tighter, he rubbed his cheek against the soft skin on his neck. He had felt so alone for so long it was a normal feeling, something he had gotten used to.
'Not anymore. Maybe not anymore.' His mind whispered back.
He had to stop thinking like it. It was enough with the fact that Kevin was sure the younger man would never feel the same way. He was just doing this, being there for him, because he was a good friend at the end. Even thought they had only known each other for less than a week, he knew that in the heart of the college student, he was already his friend. If he hadn't said so, he was showing it through his actions right in that moment. Not being able to hold on the tears anymore, he le them run free.
Feeling my skin somehow cold and wet, I knew Kevin's tears were running down my neck. Pressing some more on his scalp, I tried to calm him down. My right hand still rubbing up and down his forearm.
"You're not alone anymore. You have a friend now. I'm here for you." I don't know what made me said those words. Suddenly they had already left my lips.
We stayed like that for a while. I couldn't truly say how long, maybe five minutes, maybe ten. But in that small time, I felt at ease. Everything was like it was supposed to be.
Silly, I know, thinking that maybe it was meant to be like that. But then again, fooling myself into believing something so very different than reality had been something I had been doing for a long time. At least I was an expert not only into fooling other people, but even myself.
I heard Kevin sniffle some more, before pulling away from me. He had cried a couple of tears, nothing much. I was sure there was a lot held inside, but I wasn't gonna push him either.
I looked at him. His sapphire green eyes were a little bit puffy, if not for the tears shed, but for the ones held back. He tried his best to smile at me, it was only half a smile and his eyes gave away the fact that he was anything but happy, but it was a smile none the less. I was proud at myself for facing my fears, the fact that I had been able to spend sometime with him and was still sane to talk about it, and that I had been his friend. I'd have to settle with that.
"Thanks." His voice still muffled, proved that he had, indeed, cried. He was still sitting between my legs, so very close to me.
I did my best and gave him a full smile. "It was nothing."
Silence took over us. We, once again, got lost in each others eyes. Nothing needed to be said. We had shared something very deep. Even though I hadn't been truly honest with him and had held my own truth inside. Then again, it was too much to talk about. To much to even think about.
"What I said was the truth." My voice showing that I was being complete honest, at least about it. "I'm here for you. We're friends." Maybe I was stating the obvious, but I wanted him to know that I did consider him as my friend.
I was rewarded with his smile, bigger than the one before and I couldn't help but smile back at him. At least he was more calm. I'd wish I could help, but then again, we didn't know each other for so long.
"Yes. We're friends." He felt touch by my words. As he had thought, I already considered him a friend of mine, if anything, I was very private about my friends. "Sorry about that." He said pointing to the wet spot in the shirt neck.
I looked at it and then looked back at Kevin. "It's nothing to worry about."
"I feel kinda silly for all this." He said as he looked at his folded hands in his lap. I don't know if he either didn't notice or didn't mind the fact that my legs where still holding him pretty close to me.
Placing my hand on his shoulder, I used the other one to lift his chin so I could look at him. "You needed someone to talk to. I'm happy you trusted me enough to be one you choose."
Kevin looked at the younger man in front of him. So much younger and so much wiser than himself, something that amazed him to no end. He wanted so bad to kiss him, but had to hold his feelings back. The last thing he wanted was to destroy everything they had shared in that moment.
"Thanks."
I only smiled at him, no need for words.
"Maybe we can talk more, some other time." He whispered, not sure if I wanted to do the same.
"I'd love to." It was the truth after all. I did want to talk with him. He was a great guy and I'd try to held his friendship.
Just then I heard the garage door open and close again. Kate was back. Looking at him once again, I said. "Kate is probably back."
Kevin only nodded. He had known that their time had to come to an end, but that didn't mean he was happy about it.
"Honey, I'm home." I heard her say from the house. She was probably leaving all her stuff in the study.
"In the yard!" I yelled back. Kevin still sitting between my legs, facing me, turned around to look at the doors, waiting for her to come into the back yard.
As she opened the French door, she froze in place. She couldn't believe her eyes! Sitting in the grass were no others than her best friend and the object of his affection. She didn't stop noticing the fact that the dark haired man was sitting between his legs. Something had definitely happened and she was planing on finding out every single detail about it.
Walking slowly to where the other two stood, she let her gaze set upon the older man. She didn't know if it had been either Matt's idea or Kevin's. But it sure didn't matter. Her protective instincts taking over, her voice cold and calm and the same time, she said. "Kevin."
I knew she was probably mad at me for letting Kevin come into the house, today of all days. Her soft and beautiful brown eyes had changed into a deep and cold brownish color. Yep, definitely mad.
"How are ya love? How was the project?" I knew I was only asking it to gain some time, sweet talking was gonna take anywhere in the state she was.
"A little bit tired sweetie, but nothing else. We're about to finish it. Thank god!" She knew exactly what I was trying to do. Our 'sweet' conversation was only the prelude for what was about to be talk between the two of us.
Knowing she wanted an explanation, I started to tell her about it. "Let me tell you that tonight I was about to go out of my mind with boredom, when Kevin called. I ask him to come over and we just hang out for a while."
Nodding her head slightly, she recognize my tone. It was the 'I'll tell you the whole story later' kinda tone.
Kevin felt really uncomfortable between the two friends. Their interaction - usually calm and lovely - had changed dramatically. He didn't really know what it was all about, but could probably guess that it had to do with him. And the fact that his logical mind had finally realized that he was still sitting between the younger man's legs, didn't help to the situation either.
If it had been up to Kate, she would most certainly made Kevin stood up from his position. I knew she was only trying to look after me in this whole incident. I'd have done the very same thing if it had been her the one stuck there. I could even guess that I wouldn't have restrain my wanting to have the older man go.
"Well, since you are already here Kevin, would you like to have dinner with us?" her tone hadn't lost all coolness, but now it - at least - seemed polite.
"Dinner? What time is it?" I wondered aloud as I looked at my watch. It was already 9.40pm. "Look where the time flies! It's already 9.40. Wanna have dinner with us Kev?" I asked as I as stood up. I didn't know how longer could Kate held her killing instincts to herself and decided to help her with that.
Kevin, too, stood up from the grass and started cleaning his jeans from the leaves that had stuck in the them while sitting on the grass. Looking at me, he smiled. "Nah! I guess I better leave."
"Why?" the confusion in my face must have been visible, being as lost as I felt. "It's late, you can always just have dinner with us."
"It's ok, really. I have some stuff to take care off before tomorrow."
"You sure?"
He only nodded. With nothing left for me to do, I walked him to the door, Kate right behind me.
Standing besides the closed door, I said. "It was nice having you here."
"Thanks. For everything." Looking at Kate, and then back at me, he added. "I'll call you and see if we can talk?"
"Sure. I'd like that." I answered with a smile. With that I opened the door. Kevin smiled at me and nodded at Kate. After I saw him get into his car, I closed the door.
"Now what happened here?" her voice showing just how worried she was for me.
I sighed. I had been hoping she'd give me a little more time before starting with the twenty questions. "Nothing."
"You can't lie to me Matt. What happened?" her eyes narrowed slightly. I knew she was dead worried about me.
"Nothing. It happened as I told you. He called and I invited him to come over." I said as I walked over to the couch and sat there.
"Why did you invited hi mover? After what happened yesterday, I thought you wanted to forget all about him?" she had already relaxed a little bit. Slowly she laid down on the couch, her head on my lap. With her right hand she took off her crunchy that held her hair on a loose pony tail.
I started to run my fingers through her tresses, it was something I enjoy since I was just a kid. "To tell you the truth, I thought the same thing. I don't know why I did it Kate, I truly don't. One moment I'm praying for him to hang up and the next I'm telling him to come over."
"You just talked?"
I nodded. "Yeah. Just talked." I stayed quiet for a moment before continuing. "he saw the pictures. One of them was from a competition." I finished as I looked down at her.
She glanced up, searching for my eyes. "From when?"
"I don' know. One of the firsts I guess."
"What did he say?" her voice barely above a whisper, not wanting to disturb my musings on the subject.
"Nothing, I guess he noticed I didn't like to talk about it."
We stayed quiet for a moment. The only sound was from both our breathings and the running of my fingers through her hair.
"Why were you two watching the stars?" knowing she wasn't finished yet, I waited for her to continue answering my unspoken question. "That's the only thing you do on the back yard, besides swimming that is."
I shrugged. "I don't know that either. I just felt like it. We laid there on the grass and talked."
"He cried." She stated. "His eyes were all red."
"Yeah. I asked him who he trusted completely, maybe one of the guys, he said he didn't. He looked so lonely, I just had to hugged him and ended up shedding a few tears, but I think he hold most of them back.""
After another minute of silence, she questioned. "How are you after this?"
I looked down at her once again, her brown eyes waiting for me to answer, ready to hug me if she saw any hesitation or doubt on my eyes. "I feel somehow fine. I was truly afraid I wasn't gonna be able to face him when I was waiting for him to arrive. It all changed when we started talking."
"You sure you're fine?" her voice showed me just how concerned she was for me."
"I am love. I truly believe I am."
Looking up to the sky, I found myself mesmerized by it. It was all dark ought to the late hour. The soft wind could be fell, the only sound that could be hear were the crickets. I never really understood those small animals.
Dressed on my pjs that consisted on some sweat pants and a flannel shirt, I rested on the grass. The moon reflecting on the pool.
"Mind if I join you?'
I turned around to look at the owner of the voice. Kate stood by the opened French doors. She, like myself, was on her pjs as well. "Of course not sweetie."
Walking slowly over to where I was, she laid down as well. Laying on ver stomach, she rested her head on my chest.
"Couldn't sleep?" I asked her while caressing her cheek. Under normal circumstances she'd never have woken up in the middle of the night. It was, after all, well past two.
"Nope. And from the look so fit, neither could you. I heard you coming downstairs."
"Hope I didn't wake you."
"You didn't. But when I didn't hear you come up again, I got worried."
I only nodded at it. After a minute of silence, she questioned. "You like that, didn't you?" knowing she hadn't finished, I stayed quiet. "You liked being with him. Just the two of you."
"Yeah. It was so... different. It's been just the two of us for so long that socializing was an alienated idea for me. But being with him felt so ... good. Maybe having new friends won't be that bad after all."
"Maybe it won't." Looking at me she continued. "I heard Kevin say something about calling you before he left. What was that about?"
"I told him we could get together whenever he felt like it."
"You think you can do that?"
"After today, I'm sure I can." I gazed at the pool and for a moment there I walked to take a dip. "He's a great guy. A great fiend. I don't plan on loosing a friend over some stupid crush."
"It's not a 'stupid crush'." She stated looking right into my eyes. "Liking someone is never stupid. It's great the fact that you feel in love with someone."
"I don't love him."
She raised her eyebrows in an skeptical way. "You love him Matt."
"I can't love someone I barely know! I can't even say I like him. It's a silly and stupid crush."
"Not it's not!" She fought back, propping herself up upon her elbows. "Of course you can love someone in a short amount of time. You two have talked a lot the last few days. You care for each other. You can fell in love of the way he talked, the way he smiled, the way he feels about things."
"Thanks for psychoanalyzing me Freud." I added with a smile.
Smiling back at me, she continued. "I just want you to know that love doesn't necessary takes yeas to develop. It can either take a day or a week as well as a year."
"I don't share you opinions on the honey. I do believe that for you to truly love someone, you have to know that person inside out. Know his fears, thoughts, goals. All about him. How can you know that in only a week?"
"Would it be different if you knew him for a year? Would you really trust him enough to let him inside your heard?" her voice soft, making me see my own truth.
"I sighed at her accuracy about it. She was totally right. I could known him or anyone else for years and I'd still wouldn't trust them completely.
"I'm glad of the fact that I was let in the complexity that is your nature. Something that not many can say - not anyone else. And I know for a fact that you love him"
"I can't Kate." I focused my eyes into her beautiful brown ones. I needed for her to see the truth behind my eyes, behind my own cover. "I just can't love him. I'd be completely pointless. He'd never fell the same way. Hell, he had a fiancée not so long go! I can't love him"
"Maybe he won't return your feelings, but I know you do love him." She whispered back as she caressed my cheek with the back of her hand.
"Please." I pleaded with my voice as well as my eyes. "Let not talk about this, ok?"
Looking at me, she nodded. "Lets go to bed love. I'd late."
I agreed with her and stood up, helping her to her feet a well. As we made our way to the rooms, it was me this time who asked for us to sleep together. I had my answer when she smiled. I crawled into her bed and hugged her tightly to my chest, burring my face in the crock of her neck, the smell of her hair filling my senses. I, more than ever, needed the protection of her embrace.
As minutes past by, I knew she could fell the tears making its way down her neck.
Finally I'm down with this chapter! Took me a lot of work.
Whatever you have to say about it, please feel free to write me about it. Either good of bad feedback.
Take care and investigate.
M. F. Luder jmfluder@hotmail.com