Just the Truth

Hi people!

Yeah, I know, I know. It took me quiet a while to have this chapter out, specially since I promised I'd be updating the story fairly soon within itself. But you see, this chapter had to be out all together. And, you can see, it's a lot longer than my usual chapter.

I hope you like it. I work pretty hard on this chapter. It just seemed that things didn't come out write of my fingers.

Oh, I wanna thank everyone that send me a post about the story. It did help out with the story. It's great to know there are people reading it.

Special thanks to:

J - You know who you are. It's great to be able to count with ya. I'm being totally sincere when I say I don't know what I'd do without you. Karen - College is about to start and you're gonna have to put up with me. Hope you won't kill me before the end of the semester.

Disclaimer: I don't know them. I've never even seen them. I'm just borrowing them for a little while and I promise to return them intact. I'm making no profit whatsoever, and even if you wanted to sue me, I barely have ten bucks under my name.

Feedback is always appreciated and I hope you guys can check out my page:

www.geocities.com/sdlucly/

Now with the story...

Just the truth By M. F. Luder

Chapter 13

/HE WHAT?/ Nick's voice run through his hotel room as he started pacing back and forth. He was about to have a coronary.

Kate pulled the auricular away from her ear for a moment, afraid that Nick's yelling could get her deaf. "Nick." She started, but the older man had other ideas.

/How could he do such a thing? Is he out of his fucking mind?!/

"Nickolas!" Kate said sternly as she heard the cursing.

Nick continued like he hadn't been interrupted. /He's lost it. Matt's totally lost it! How could he do that?! He loves Kevin. I know for a fact that he loves Kevin. And Kevin loves him too. You shoulda seen him this past month. He isn't talking, let along hanging out with us. He's lost without Matt. How could Matt be so blind? And Kevin didn't do anything? That boy is nuts!! I've got to talk with him. Talk some sense into that thick skull of his. If he thinks he's gonna scare me because he's older, a little bit taller, heavier and a country boy, he's very wrong! I just need to--/

"NICK!" Kate yelled on the phone, hoping to catch his attention.

/What!?/

"Take a deep breath. Ok? Breath and try to calm down."

Nick did just that. Taking a deep breath, he walked over to the other side of the room. He could literally feel his heart running a mile per hour, after all, he was half panting.

After a second, Kate asked. "Better?"

/Yeah./ Nick took another breath, before returning to his line of though. /I don't believe it! How could he do such a thing? Is Matt out of his freaking mind!!! I've got talk with him. I've got to talk with Kevin. Brian has to know, and talk with Kevin as well. You've got to talk with Matt../

Kate sighed as she heard Nick continue with his rambling. That boy was way too freaked out about it to listen to any reason.

/What happened? What the hell happened? One minute they are alright, the next Matt is breaking up with Kevin!! What in God's name.. oh God. Oh god... oh god!.../

"What?"

/I think I'm having a heart attack! I'm too young to have a heart attack! I'm twenty for Christ sake!/ Deciding that the best was to listen to his body complaining about the lack of oxygen, Nick laid down on his bed as he took deep breaths, hoping his heart would cooperate with him.

Kate tried to hold her laugh. "You aren't having a heart attack, your chest is complaining for the lack of oxygen. I told you Nick, you have to breath. Is a biological necessity."

/I've noticed!/ Feeling his breathing calm down, he continued. /What the.../ he suppressed the f word, knowing Kate would most certainly yell at him. /What happened? What made Matt break up with Kevin? I was hoping you'd tell me they are better, I don't know! And then.../

"And then I call you and tell you Matt is in his bed, half dead to the world, totally zoomed out, and that he broke up with Kevin? I know how you're feeling. I feel just as lost as you do." She sighed as she started rubbing her tired eyes. "I didn't know what had happened, but I knew it was big the minute I heard his bedroom door close. I waited about ten minutes before I finally got to his room and I find him with his face in the pillow, almost comatose and unresponding. I think he was crying, the pillow was totally soaked and his face was all wrinkled." The image of her best friend totally heart broken would forever be printed in her memory. "All I could get out of him was that he had broke up with Kevin. And then, now knowing what else to do, I called you."

/Oh God!/ Nick sighed. /What are we gonna do? Can you talk with Matt? Convince him that he can't leave Kevin, maybe talk him into calling Kevin again?/

"Nick." She started warningly. She knew that once Matt had chosen something, it'd be dead hell to try to talk him out of it.

/Please, you've got to try! I'll talk with Kevin and see what I can do and then.../

"Nick. Don't." Her voice was firm and she hoped the young singer would know when to stop it. Apparently, he didn't.

/We've got to try! We can't let them give up on them. We can't let them do this. We've got to do something./ He was trying his best not to loose what little composure he had left. Nick left so bad about what was going on.

She could hear despair in his voice. "There's nothing we can do Nick. Matt has made his choice. It was up to him and Kevin, and I don't think Kevin complained that much, since they aren't together anymore. It was their call, not ours."

/But--/

She sighed. "You just don't see it, do you?"

/See what?/

"You are blond." Kate stated with a laugh.

/Hey!/

"Matt has done this for his sake. For his sanity. You came up with the whole background, remember Sherlock? Matt has always felt like this, his low self steam doesn't help with things, but it does change your way of thinking. Matt's brain works totally different than ours, if it's because of the whole emotional problem, or psychological stuff, I don't know. Ever since Kevin left, Matt has been feeling like Kevin doesn't love him anymore."

/But we had to leave! It's our work and--/

"He understands that. What he can't understand is why Kevin was so cold towards him. Come on Nick!, you've talked with him more than Kevin has. You've called him and really talked with him. I'm sure you know more about Matt than Kevin himself. You told me about it." Nick had told her how whenever the guys asked about Matt, it'd be Nick who answered most of the questions.

/So, you're saying that Matt thinks Kevin doesn't love him because he isn't expressing it./

"Or saying it. Ever since you guys left, Kevin hasn't told Matt he loves him." Making her way over to the fridge, she got out a coke, fully knowing Nick could recognize the sound of the opening fridge. "Matt's scared. Terrified, would be the word. He risked enough by being with him. He thought Kevin would get tired of him and then dump him, and had his suspicious confirmed when you guys left." Being sure Nick would complain about what she had just said about his older brother, she continued. "I know you think Kevin still loves Matt."

/He does!/

She didn't let his words change her position. "But he hasn't shown it. For Matt, that's the same. It broke his heart Nick. He tried to focus on college and only ended up staying until around three in the morning studying because he couldn't focus before. He won't let me, or anyone for that matter, try to convince him otherwise."

/And what do you think?/ Nick, still laying on his bed, focused on the ceiling. She knew Kate enough to be sure she didn't trust Kevin anymore. Maybe even believed Kevin didn't love Matt.

"You want the truth? I think Kevin feels different towards Matt. Maybe he still cares for him, but I don't think he loves him. Not in a romantic way anyway."

/How can you be so sure!? You haven't seen him for the past couple of days!/

"And you haven't seen Matt. This is for the best Nick, I'm telling you. It is for the best. Matt will get on with his life, forget about Kevin, even though it will take a while, and don't be hurt anymore. Kevin..." She sighed. "Kevin will do whatever it is he wants to do. But far away from Matt, that's for sure. As far as I'm concern, he'll never get to see Matt again, unless Matt himself tells me otherwise."

/Hey! You can't do that. It's not your call./

"Yes. It. Is." Kate said clearly and accentuating every word. "It became my call the minute Kevin hurt Matt, or don't you remember I told him to treat him right, or else. Well, just be thankful that I know Matt cares enough for Kevin that he'd never let me harm him, but don't think I ain't searching for the hotel list as soon as I can." Kate finished through clenched teeth. All she needed was the hotel list and the current dates for their tour and the breaking in would be a piece of cake for her.

Nick knew perfectly fine Kate was meaning business. And she was right, Kevin had hurt Matt, even if he probably didn't mean to, but he had hurt him nonetheless. And Kate would want blood.

She sighed once again. She felt like she was about to start crying and, knowing Matt like she did, he'd need her right there with her, and if she cried with him, then they'd both be able to go through that. "I better get going, Matt is probably gonna be needing me."

/I know. Look, I'll try to talk with Kevin and --/

"Nickolas Gene Carter don't you dare."

Nick half froze in his line of thought as he heard the coldness and hatred hidden in her tone.

"Kevin is out of the picture. For good. Whatever his reasons were, I don't give a damn."

Nick gasped as he heard the words left Kate's mouth. She had cursed! She never did that, and Nick knew. If he had thought she was pissed, he was wrong. She was down right homicidal.

"It was both their faults, but the cutting began by Kevin's hand. Now... now it's too late to do anything. Do you understand?" she sat by the table, her hand gripping forcefully on the auricular as the words left her mouth easily. Her voice was dead serious and hoped Nick understood that. She'd do anything to protect Matt, and Kevin had just hurt the most important person in her life.

She opened the can and took a long drink of her coke. "Now, I really have to leave. And don't you dare talking with Kevin."

/Ok./

Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knew he'd do it anyway. "Bye."

/Bye Kate, and tell Matt I'm sorry, and that I'll call him later tonight./

"Sure." With that, she hung up the phone and stood up.

'This needs some major work.' Kate thought to herself. 'And I just know what could help.'

Smiling to herself as a memory of a night about two years ago came into mind, she moved over to the fridge and opened the freezer. She remembered it clearly, like it had been yesterday. Matt and her had been watching tv in her bedroom back in Massachusetts. Her mother had left because she had some errands to run, leaving the two kids on their own. So, being the kids they were, they decided to pig out. Getting ice-cream, fudge, lots and lots of coke, they had camped back in her room and watch tv, talking and laughing about whatever it was that came to mind.

They had talked about their plans for the future. About how Matt wanted to study medicine, Kate making fun of him saying that he'd be an old man before actually getting his degree, and Kate had been totally convinced that Civil Engineering was her destiny. They had talked about marriage and kids and Matt had said, just like everytime they touched the subject, that he'd end up all alone, being god father to Kate's children and going to her place when he was off from the hospital. Kate had teased him about that, saying that since he was so very sure he was never getting married, he'd probably end up being the first one to tie the knot out of them both. Matt had laughed it off and made a bet. A hundred bucks that she was the first one to get married.

Kate laughed at the scene perfectly clear in the back of her mind. What were his exact words? Oh, yeah! 'Always the bridesmaid, but never the bride.'

Matt had been dead sure that he was never getting married and had even made Kate promise to invite him over during the holidays, alleging that he didn't want to spend the festivities covering double shifts. And they had talked about boyfriends, Matt saying that he wasn't gonna chaperone her when they went to college and she was swamp in dates. She had laughed at the idea and said that he will be the first one of them to get a boyfriend.

And she had been right, hadn't she? Because Kate still didn't have a boyfriend and Matt has - had! - Kevin. So Kate had been right. Out of them both, Matt had been the first one to hook up. And then they had talked about break up. And had promise to be there for each other. To curse and swear and get totally plastered whenever either of them broke up with their better halves. But neither of them liked liquor back then, and neither do know, so they had changed that for ice-cream. They would eat ice-cream until their bellies hurt, topped with chocolate syrup and whipped-cream, and lots of coke - of course! And now it was time for her to keep up that promise.

So, in honor to that fabulous night two years ago, she got out both container of ice-cream. She was grateful they had gone grocery shopping just a couple of days ago, so they had both chocolate - for Matt - and Choco Chips - for her -. Taking out the chocolate syrup and whipped-cream, just as promise, a long with a couple of spoons and bowls, a couple of cans - Matt was always saying that can cokes tasted better that bottle ones -, a long with a large bottle of coke and two glasses, she was barely able to get all that stuff to second floor.

Placing everything by the side of Matt's bedroom door, she took a deep breath. She knew her best friend better than she knew herself, and was totally sure that Matt needed her right now. Whenever something bothered him, he'd half crumble first, zoomed out in his inner mind next - needing to be alone to do that - and then crash once again. And Kate would be there to catch him. Just like she always had in the past.

She touched the doorknob slightly. 'Please, just me be able to help him.' She thought to herself as he opened the door.

I had been laying on my bed, my brain half dead, for about half an hour. Totally empty in the inside and out of tears. I couldn't do anything besides just being there. I think that if I haden't died of asphyxiation is because my body got control of the main function of breathing. I had long ago stopped crying, before Kate came into my room.

I knew she'd realize something was wrong when I wasn't in the study, where I usually am. She had knocked softly before opening the door and saw me right here, laying in my bed like I'm right now. That was about half an hour after I talked with Kevin and I had been able to pull myself together already. She asked what had happened and I could barely whispered that I broke up with him. She, knowing me as much as she does, left me alone. I had to think about it. I had to understand, and accept, that I did the right thing. We weren't working out, and it'd have been pointless of me to try to keep the relationship going when neither of us were really into it. And, even though I didn't like doing that over the phone, I couldn't have waited until the end tour.

I could feel moisture in the back of my eyes. What is it with the fact that whenever you're crying your eyes out and you wanna stop crying, you just can't? I closed my eyes tightly and hoped for the tears to go away. Before I could find out if my wish would come true, I heard the sound of feet against the soft wood of the stairs.

I waited for a minute before my door opened to revealed my dearest friend. She gave me a small smile and I tried to answer, however I'm pretty sure I failed miserably.

She walked over to my bed and sat by my side. Not saying a word, she hugged me and, at the physical touch, the tears starting to come to my eyes even quicker that they had before. I had been sure I was out of tears, guess I was wrong.

I accommodated myself so I was half laying in her lap, my head in her chest and my arms around her small waist. Kate started running her fingers through my hair as she tried to console me, humming softly.

"It's ok sweetie. It's ok. I'm here. I'm here." Her tone was barely above a whisper and I'm surprised I was able to hear it.

Sobs rocked my body as she got a tighter hold on me.

"It's ok." She kept repeating again and again. "It's ok."

After about ten minutes, I had calmed down once again. I brushed away my tears with the back of my hand. She placed her hands in either side of my face, bending it slightly, she gave me a tender kiss on the forehead.

"Better?"

I nodded as I laid down on the bed once again. She joined me and hugged me closely. I could hear the steady heartbeat under the soft flesh and I thanked the heavens for her. Because I know I would be lost without her.

"Wanna talk about it?"

I nodded once again.

"Ok. Just hold on a second." Slowly she withdraw from the embrace and I looked up to where she was going. She opened the door and a minute later she was bringing reinforcement.

I smile a tender smile as I realized what it was. She remembered. She remembered that night about two years ago when we talked about boyfriends and break ups. But I have to accept I wasn't that surprised about it. After all she, just like myself, remembers everything we do or say. Everything we are.

I moved to a side as she pilled everything in my bed. I knew I'd have to change the sheets before going to sleep, knowing that the ice-container would humid it.

She laughed as she jumped onto my bed. "Lets see what we have here." Kate started. "Ice-cream. Both chocolate and choco chips." She picked up the containers and moved it to a side, making sure they wouldn't fall over. "Fudge and whipped cream. Yummy." She picked those up and threw them at me. It was a miracle I actually got to catch it, seeing just how bad I am at it, and I laughed as I looked at the bottles. "And, of course. Tatata... coke!" She threw me one and she opened one herself. I had also seen the bottle, but we'd got to that after appreciating the wonderful taste of canned coke.

I half glared at her. She knew that now that the coke was shaken, I'd probably spill half of it. I shrugged it off and opened it. It make sizzling sound and, just as thought, it spilled around my shirt and my bed. I laughed at it.

I kept laughing for a little while. It felt good to laugh after all the tears I had shed. I had always laughed so much, I even got this kind of attacks when I couldn't stop and even couldn't get air in my lungs. Kate said my laugh was contagious and that I was half nuts about grinning and seeing something funny in everything around me. And I did. Even if I had never been open or happy about stuff, I could find amusement in different things. I had to, otherwise I don't think I'd have lasted this long.

"So, you ready to talk about it?" she asked softly as she started spooning the ice cream into the bowl. With enough ice-cream for my dentist to go wild, she topped it with lots of chocolate syrup and whipped cream.

My eyes moved downcast as I started picking at my bed sheets. "Yeah. I guess so."

"Take your time honey. We've got all night." She handed me my own as she gave me a spoon and then she took a huge spoon full of ice-cream into her mouth. "Heaven."

I started dipping at it immediately. "Yeah." A small smile appeared in my lips as I stated what could only be described as ambrosia. However it was roughly eased as I took a deep breath before starting. I knew we'd be done with all the ice-cream and coke before we were even close to done. "I guess I should begin."

Kate took a sip of her coke and looked at me. "Only if you want."

I nodded. "I had to do it." I whispered. "I just had to."

"I know."

"This wasn't working. Neither Kevin nor I wanted, that's for sure. And I know it's not entirely his fault. Damn, I wasn't much better either. But it was something that had to be done. It had to."

We stood silent for a minute and I'm sure Kate knew I wasn't finish.

"Even though it hurts like hell." My voice wasn't barely above a whispered and I could feel moisture in the back of my eyes. Kate moved over to my side and embraced me. I accepted the hug gratefully and returned the tight hold. I whimpered as I let my tears make their way down my cheeks and onto her shoulder.

After a couple of minutes, I pulled away slowly. I sniffled a little as I tried to got some control in my emotions. She gave a soft smile and handed me a clenex. I blew my nose loudly, making her giggle, as I smiled.

"I'm better love, just needed to get the last bit out."

"It's ok. I'm here Matty. I'm here all the way."

And I smiled at it. Because it was the truth. She was here with me. And she would be all the way, all the way we had to walk through. And I was deeply grateful for that, because I know for a fact that I wouldn't be able to do what alone.

'And you aren't.' The voice in the back of my mind told me softly.

I wasn't. I really wasn't alone. Even though I had lost Kevin, as much as my fault as it was, I wasn't alone. Kate was here with me. At least I wouldn't die all alone, because Kate would be there too.

I felt a hand on my cheek as I focused on Kate's beautiful and deep brown eyes.

"Hey there, where did ya go?" she asked me with a smile.

I returned it. "Somewhere in the back of my mind. I was just thinking."

"About what?, if I can ask."

"Of course you can ask love. About everything, I guess. About how I ain't alone, not with you here with me." I placed my own hand on her cheek as I caressed it tenderly.

"You aren't."

"I know. I know that now." I sighed. "Even if I've lost Kevin, I'm not alone. And I think that somehow it's for the best."

"You think?"

"I know so. You know me Kate. I can't deal with some stuff. And the few stuff I can actually deal with, I don't react like the rest of people do. I just can't. Maybe it's because of my background or my internal issues, but I just don't react the same way. I don't think I could have handle for much longer this... space we had between us. Both of us were pulling away and I knew it. Maybe Kevin didn't notice, or didn't want to notice, but I saw it clearly as the day. I can't deal with that. I wouldn't be able to." I finished softly.

I picked up my forgotten ice-cream and took a spoonful of it. "I risked enough by being with him, as I had made the heartfelt promise of never placing myself in that position. Not after knowing the possible consequences."

She kept quiet, fully knowing I had to say the words aloud. "I just couldn't do it. I couldn't hope for the best when I was sure nothing would come out of it. Maybe Kevin doesn't feel the same way for me anymore. Maybe it's the tour. Or maybe it's just the way it is, maybe it's me. Maybe he realized what a mistake he had done in being with me."

I knew what she would say at that comment. I hadn't even got to count to one before she started her rambling.

"Would you stop that?! What is it with you and thinking you aren't worth it?"

"Because it's the truth?" I questioned softly, my eyes barely lifting from my bowl.

"AGH! You just won't change your mind, will you?" I shook my head. "Thought so. At least you could try and believe me--"

"I believe you!" I interjected.

She half glared at me. "When I say that you are much more worth than that. If Kevin didn't see what a great guy you were, then it's his lost."

"Yeah, right." I mumbled as I hoped she hadn't heard.

Not such luck. "AGH!!!!" She sighed heavily and took a long swing of her coke. "You just do this to spite me, don't you?"

I laughed. "You know it's the truth. I mean, lets check out the facts. One, this was my first boyfriend."

"I haven't had a boyfriend yet." She added with a grin.

"That's because you don't wanna date. There's been tons of guys willing to invite you out, it was you who said no."

"And what about you? If guys hadn't asked you out is because they don't know you're gay.

"That is so not true."

She laughed at me. "You'd get dates if you really wanted to, you know that."

"Sure. Fine. Whatever." I dismissed the thought with a wave of my hand. "Getting back to the main topic. Second, we've been dating a month and a half, of which we've only 'seen' each other three days. When he was away we barely talked. What does that say about me?"

"What should it say something about you and not him?" she answered wittily.

"He's a pop singer, world wide known, handsome as they come, totally charming and a perfect gentleman. I'm a college student. Gee, let me think?"

She stuck out her tongue as she laughed. I knew she didn't want to say anything about this. I was way to stubborn and she'd end up getting mad me.

We stood in silence eating out ice-cream and drinking what should be our third glass of coke.

"Wanna watch something?" she suggested as the silence was really starting to be too much for me to bare.

"Sure, what ya wanna watch?"

She shrugged. Then her face lit up with a beautiful and charming smile. I caught her eye and for a moment I saw something there that gave me hope. The fact that she knew me too well.

"X-Files' marathon!!!" she half stood up while still kneeling on the bed. Moving her hands upwards, the ice-cream bowl seemed to be about to fall of her hands.

I laughed at this. Yeah, some X-Files could be good.

"Sure, lets go!"

We picked up everything we had there and run down to the main floor. Jumping onto the couch and landing on our bottoms, we started laughing hysterically.

"Oh!" Started Kate as she stood up from the couch. "Gotta get more coke." After all, the bottle was about to be finished. She looked around and realized that the ice-cream was being finished way too fast. "And ice-cream too."

I stood up as I saw her made her way over to the kitchen. Walking to the tv set, I started rummaging through my video collection. "Any season in particular?" I yelled over to the kitchen.

"Anything but the seventh season. I'll have a heart attack, that's for sure." I heard her answer, after a second, she continued. "The first two season. It's been ages since I last saw them."

"Got it."

I picked up the video numbered one. It held the first six chapters of the first season. Out of all of them, I really wanted to see the Pilot episode, when Mulder and Scully met for the first time, and Conduit, which was kinda Sam related.

Placing it in the VCR, I sat down on the couch as I got the remote. I waited for Kate to come back to the living room before hitting play.

As each one of us got some ice-cream and coke, we sat cuddling on the couch and watch tv.

Brian walked into the hotel hallway as he made his way over to his cousin's room. He had been thinking about talking with Kevin regarding everything that had been going on between him and Matt. If anything, Brian was dead sure it had something to do with whatever it was that Kevin hadn't told him about his break up with Greg.

Kevin had been too quiet ever since the beginning of the tour and, even though at the beginning of the same Brian was sure it had to do with being away from Matt, now he didn't believed it so blindly. They had to talk. Really talk.

It was late afternoon and Brian knew they'd have enough time to talk about things. They still had about an hour before having to leave for that night's concert. More than enough.

The last couple of days had been ever worse on the older man. Besides seeing him on the concerts and appearances they had scheduled, Brian - or the other guys for that matter - had barely talked with him more than five minutes. This aspect of Kevin, his isolation tendency, was really starting to scare - and worry - the younger Kentucky cousin.

As Brian reached the door, he let out a soft sigh. 'Just let me help him God. Just let me be able to help him.' Brian asked to the heavens.

He knocked once. Twice. Three times and nothing. No answer whatsoever.

'That's weird.' Brian thought. 'I don't think Kevin left to work out.'

Thinking about it before doing what came to him as an instinct, he tried the doorknob. Surprisingly enough, it was unlocked. Slowly Brian opened the door.

"Kevin?" He called softly to the living-room area. "Kevin?"

Nothing.

Utter silence that seemed to frighten the young man.

However, a second later Brian heard a whimper. A cry. Someone crying.

'Kevin?' his mind questioned.

Then the sound became louder, not only a cry, but sobbing. Heart wrecking sobbing.

'Kevin!'

Quickly, totally worried, Brian walked over to the bedroom. When he opened the door, the sight in front of him froze him dead in his tracks.

In the bed, laying on his side, was Kevin. In fetal position, hugging his legs so tight Brian was afraid he had lost circulation a long time ago, Kevin kept crying his eyes out.

'What happened?' what the questioned that run through his mind.

Moving to where his dear cousin was laying, he sat on the side of the bed carefully.

"Kevin?" Brian asked softly, placing his hand on the older man's shoulder. Kevin flinched. Visibly.

"Kevin please, talk with me. What is it? What happened?" Scooting over so he was closer to him, Brian tried to shake him out of the stupor he seemed to be in.

Kevin turned around at Brian's insistence. Brian's blue eyes found Kevin's sapphire green ones looking back at him and what the younger man saw there scared him to the core.

Pure and sheer sadness.

"Kev?" The words had barely left Brian's mouth when Kevin embraced him tightly, hanging onto his younger cousin with a dead grip.

Brian stood there, half surprised at the reaction on the older man. Not knowing what else to do, Brian started rubbing Kevin's back slowly as he talked to him softly.

"It's ok Kev. It's ok."

Something was wrong. Something was most definitely wrong with Kevin. The last time he had seen him cry like this. Sobbing so hard and totally hopeless had been when his father died. What could have possibly happened to have this effect on him?

The older man cried for the longest time, holding tightly onto Brian.

Time passed and neither of them really noticed until Kevin finally calmed down enough to pull away from Brian's embrace. Kevin sniffed the remnants of his tears, trying to get a hold on his emotions, not to show them like that, not in front of Brian.

"Kev, you ok?" Brian asked softly.

Kevin looked up at him, his green eyes not as haunted as before, but not normal either. "I... oh god." He whispered softly. "Matt called me... he... we broke up."

"Kev..." Brian moved over to where Kevin was sitting and hugged him. "I'm sorry. What happened?"

Kevin brushed away his tears with the back of his hand. He had to control his emotions. "He said we haven't been talking much since I left for the tour. That maybe we didn't work out as more than friends. And he was right."

"Kevin--" Brian started, but was soon cut off by his older cousin.

"He's right Brian. You know I've barely spoken to him since the tour started. I just... I don't know." He sighed. "He did the right thing."

"How can you think that!?" Brian questioned angrily as he stood up. "Here you are, totally heart broken about it and you think he did the right thing? Are you out of your mind?!"

Kevin didn't move from his position on the bed. Picking up a comforter trend, Kevin spoke quietly, but dead cold at the same time. "We don't work together. We're better as friends."

"Like hell you are!"

"I don't wanna hurt him Brian. I don't wanna hurt him." Kevin whispered softly.

"What are you talking about Kev?"

"I wasn't talking with him Brian. I wasn't talking with him and you know that unless the communication is total, the relationship doesn't work. I didn't help it. I doomed it before we even started out. It's my fault. And I know I hurt him. I knew it by his voice." Tears had started making their way down his already streaked cheeks.

"You've got to talk with him Kev. I know you can try and make things work out. I know you love him."

'Maybe it isn't enough.' Kevin thought sadly. 'It's isn't.'

"I can't." Kevin stated, his voice still shaken by his tears.

"What do you mean you can't?"

Kevin sighed. "It took enough of him to be able to make that decision. To be able to talk with me about it. I... I know it's the right thing. We just can't make it work. We couldn't." He knew he had started rambling, but he couldn't give Brian his reasons without having to explain him everything that had gone through with Greg. Not without saying too much.

"I don't get you Kevin. You love him. It's killing you not being with him, but you still are letting it be." It was Brian's turn to sigh. "I sure don't get you." Taking one last look at his shattered cousin, Brian left the room, hoping - praying - Kevin would make the right choice.

Kevin heard his hotel room door closing and let himself lay down on his bed once again. Brian was right in something, being apart from Matt was starting to kill him slowly.

Hurting him even more than Greg's taunting voice.

Time passed slowly until the responsible side of his self kicked in, obliging him to check out the time. Barely five minutes before they had to leave for the venue. With heavy feet, Kevin made his way over to the bathroom and proceeded to throw some water at his face, trying to wash away the tears that had let marked his cheeks. Trying to changed the puffiness and redness of his eyes, so the guys wouldn't find out.

Looking at himself in the mirror, Kevin realized it wasn't gonna get any better. His eyes were still read, but his cheeks weren't tear strained anymore. Walking out of the room, bags in hand, he placed them in front of his door. They bellboy would get them later. Looking around, he joined both Howie and AJ, who were talking quietly leaning against the wall.

The minute Howie saw Kevin, he question. "Kev, what happened?"

AJ, who's back was towards Kevin, turned around to see the older man. "Kevin?"

As if on cue, Nick got out of his room, soon followed by Brian. Both of them made their ways over to where the rest of the group were standing. Brian, knowing what was going on, gave Kevin a small sad smile.

Kevin saw Nick's look when he saw him. Apparently, just as Kevin would have guessed, Nick knew the full story. Now, it was because Kate had told him or he had talked with Matt himself. Either way, he knew.

"What--?" Howie started again, but was cut off by Kevin.

"Lets not talk about this here, ok? I'll tell you guys later." With that Kevin made his way over to the elevator, pressing the button for the lobby.

Neither of the guys said anything as they got to the lobby and into the limo. The ride was deadly silent as Kevin spend the whole way looking of the window. Nick could have swear he saw Kevin shedding a tear, but he wasn't sure.

The minute they got into the dressing room, AJ asked. "Now you talk Kevin. What the fuck happened?"

Kevin sighed. It's better to blurt it out, right? "Matt and I broke up."

"You two broke up, or did he broke with *you?" AJ questioned, half glaring at him.

"It doesn't matter." Kevin said tiredly.

"It does Kev. You know it does. Did he broke up with you?"

"It was his idea, yes."

"I knew it! I told you Kev. God damn it! I told you that--" AJ started saying as he pace through the room. Half cursing in his way.

"No, you don't know a flying fuck!" Kevin yelled back at him. "This has nothing to do with that, if you care to know. This doesn't! It wasn't that AJ, and stop thinking about it. He did the right thing. We haven't been talking so much in the past month. We lost whatever connection we had between the two of us. We would have ended up breaking up anyway, at least Matt did it before we started hating each other."

"It wasn't right, as you say. Then why the hell were you with your eyes all red? If you had agreed on that, then you wouldn't have been crying Kevin." AJ concluded.

"It is not of your fucking business!"

"It is Kevin." Howie said softly, hoping not to enrage Kevin more. "When it has something to do with either of us, it is everyone's business. Specially when one of us is hurting."

"Not it isn't!" Kevin said forcefully, his voice hitting a higher tone. "This is my private life. Private. For me to know and ONLY me. Period. Whatever happens in my romantic life isn't the matter of the group. And as for dealing with it, I just need time." Kevin took one last look at the guys, Kevin finished. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got sound check to do." With that, he left the room.

"Great." Nick muttered under his breath after Kevin had left.

Howie sighed as he took a sit on a nearby chair. "Now what do we do?"

"What Kevin asked us to." Answered Brian as he moved over to the couch placed in the room and took a sit as well. "Nothing."

"What are talking about Rok? We have to do something!"

"This is not our business Bone, you know that. However Kevin wants to deal with this, it's his choice. And his alone. We're here, if he wants to talk with us, but somehow I don't see that happening any time soon." Brian sighed as well. "As much as I wanna do something, he's right. He's old enough to deal with this on his own."

"I don't like this." Added Howie after a moment. "I mean, Kevin's always been the calmest of us all, and he was crying. Crying, I don't think I've ever seen him cry." He said in a soft voice. "Don't you guys think we should help him with it?"

"It's all Matt's fault." AJ said angrily. "If he hadn't come along, nothing of this would have happened."

"Why is it with you AJ? What do you have against Matt?" Nick defensiveness came right through. "It is not Matt's fault alone. Kevin had his share, if you should know. God, they'd barely spoke ten words in their phone calls. If they called each other at all. And Kevin sure as hell isn't the only one hurting."

"And how do you know that Nick?"

Nick turned around to look right at Howie. "Both Matt and Kate told me that. You don't need to be a rocket scientist to figure it out since Kevin didn't have a clue on what was going on with Matt. And about Matt hurting, Kate told me that. But I could have figure that out by myself. He really cares for Kevin. Now, if you'd excuse me, I'm gonna play some Nintendo."

"I'll join you Frack."

Nodding at Brian, Nick made his way out of the room, Brian right on his heels.

The minute the friends left, Howie turned to look at AJ. "What is it with you alright?"

AJ sighed. "I hate seeing Kevin hurt."

"Well, so do I. So we all. But that doesn't mean you have to blame it all on Matt. You must know, just like I do, that Nick's right. Kevin hasn't been that open with us this past month, and I have the feeling he's been even worse with Matt, if the end is any indication. If they haven't talked - like Nick said they haven't - then I sure as hell don't blame Matt on breaking up with Kevin. You know that for this kind of relationships, communication is a thousand times more important that in others."

"I know that D, but it doesn't help. I had the feeling Matt will pull something like this with Kevin."

"Why?"

AJ shrugged as he moved over and took a seat on the couch Brian had just left vacant. "They barely knew each other, it wasn't plausible for them to actually love each other. One of them was bound to get tired of the relationship, specially under the circumstances. I just pictured Matt as the one who would give in first."

"Why not Kevin?"

"I think he probably does care for Matt - doesn't love him yet though - but would in time. He'd try his best to hold onto it." He shrugged again. "I don't know."

"But Kevin said himself that the relationship wasn't working. Sure, he's hurt, but I have the feeling Matt is too. Besides, I don't think it was that easy for Matt to make that call, remember this was the first time he dated."

"That has something to do with this all as well Howie. I mean, see it like this. You met a famous singer, have the possibility to be with him, wouldn't you take it?"

"You want the truth?" Howie waited for AJ to nod before answering. "I don't think Matt could have pulled that out."

"Why do you say that?"

"I mean, take a look at Matt." Howie started. "He's one of the very few eighteen year old college boys who really is virgin and hadn't dated. The boy is way too innocent, and naive for that matter, to do that. I do think he cares for Kevin. Don't you remember the way he'd look at Kevin when they were together that night that they told us? He really cares."

"What are you saying?" Questioned a half lost AJ.

"First of all, we can't get in the middle. It is Kevin's decision and he's taken it already. Second of all.." Howie sighed. "It does look like they did the right thing at the end." Howie lifted his hand to stop AJ before he could interrupt him. "Try to see it this way. If Matt was sure things weren't working, then he decided to break it up before it truly got out of hand. Kevin was right in something, if things kept going the way they were, they'd probably end up hating each other for pulling away. Now, about being hurt. I know Kevin is, and I have the feeling Matt is as well - after all, Nick said so. But that doesn't change things. It had happened before that you can't be together, but you sure work out like friends. Now, don't you think it was the right thing?"

The younger man didn't say anything for the longest time while he thought about it. He still believed there was a huge age gab between the two of them. And even though Kevin was hurt, AJ was sure he'd get through with time. Now, about Matt caring about Kevin, he really wasn't sure. But then again, he hadn't been looking for that the last time he saw Matt. AJ had been more busy glaring at the student. But Howie was a good judge of character, and if he thought Matt really cared for Kevin, then he should believe him. And Nick had said he was hurting as well. He sighed. Maybe he was wrong.

"Give it a little thought AJ, and you'd see sometimes things aren't the way you see them." Howie said softly.

AJ looked up and gave Howie a saddened glance. "Do you think Train will forget me for being such an asshole?"

Howie smiled. "I think he will, if you talk with him. He maybe tough to crack, though. He really cares for Matt and you've been anything but inconsiderate with him."

"I just wanted to protect him. He's always been there to watch our back, and I thought it was my turn." His eyes downcast, AJ started feeling totally horrible.

"I know. And I'm sure he does as well."

Kevin left the dressing room and started walking to wherever it was his legs could take him.

'Just breath, Kevin. Just breath.' His mind suggested, but it wasn't as easy as it seemed.

His head was clouded with a thousand and more thoughts at the time. But one thought echoed louder than the others.

Them breaking up had been his fault.

Kevin was hating AJ's guts at the moment. He had no idea, no idea what he was talking about in blaming it all on Matt. It wasn't his fault. Matt hadn't done anything wrong. Matt hadn't kept anything from Kevin. It was Kevin's fault, and his fault only.

Feeling moisture in his eyes, Kevin continued his wondering around the venue. He still believed Matt had done the right thing. They wouldn't have been able to continue holding a lie like that for much longer, one of them was bound to realize that they were just prolonging something that had long ago died, or maybe never even started. Matt had seen it, and accepted it first, and had enough guts to actually take matters in his hands.

'But it hurts. It sure as hell hurts.' He thought to himself.

And it did. He had broken up with both guys and girls before, but nothing had hurt like it hurt with Matt. Nothing.

Without even noticing, Kevin had made his way all over to the storage area. Huge empty boxes filled the placed, long ago forgotten after getting the equipment needed for the night's concert. Knowing no one would come into the room for quiet a while, he leaned against one of the walls for a minute

Silence and solitude was something he desperately needed to be able to think clearly. He had lost Matt, that much he knew. Maybe things would have ended up differently if he had talked with him about Greg. About everything that had happened.

'But you couldn't. You were too much of a chicken shit to be able to even tell him about you dating Greg.'

And it was the truth. He hadn't been able, and he was sure he wouldn't. And instead of searching for understanding in the young man, he had pulled away. Kevin had pulled away when they should have been leaning on the other for support. Being away from each other was never easy, and Kevin knew about that, but to be miles away and to barely speak to top things, had been too much for either of them. Maybe if Kevin would have only let himself forget about it, about everything that had happened in his past. It was in the past, but he couldn't let it go.

Greg's voice would still come to taunt him, reminding him what a lousy boyfriend he had been. How he wasn't worth the time or the love. And Kevin had proven Greg right, hadn't he? He had done just what he had been expecting Kevin to do. To let Matt down, to withdraw from him so much that the younger man had no other choice left, but to break up with him.

And he hadn't done anything to avoid it. Kevin wanted to say no the minute Matt talked about being better as friends. Kevin wanted to tell him he loved him dearly and didn't want to loose him. That he'd change, that he'd talked with him. But he hadn't, he had said he agreed with him instead. And after that, everything was just gone.

Leaning his back against the wall, Kevin let everything crumble around him, letting his emotions take the best of him. Everything seemed too much to take at once. As in slow motion, Kevin slumped down on the floor crying softly, looking at his hands in front on top of his lap. Everything was gone.

Both Brian and Nick made their way over to the bus, where the Playstation was hooked up. Neither of them said much as they entered the entertaining room and sat in front of the tv.

"What do you wanna play?" Asked Nick breaking the silence.

"Mario Cart?"

Nick shrugged and got out the disk, setting the game up.

Twenty minutes later, they were well into the game. Nick had been winning for most part, but he hadn't been loud about his victory. Something was really bothering, and Brian was sure about that.

After about the tenth game, both of them decided it was enough. Shutting of the game, Nick let out a small sighed.

"You ok?"

Nick nodded. "Yeah, a little bit tired, that's all."

As silence as about to engulf them once again, Brian questioned. "You are worried about them, aren't you?"

"Who wouldn't." He said truthfully.

"I know, so am I. Kevin's been really quiet lately, and now he's totally broken about it." Brian said with a sad tone. "I went to talk with him before the show, and found him in his bed crying his eyes out. I couldn't believe it when he said Matt had broken up with him. Let alone the fact that Kevin had agreed it." He sighed. "How's Matt?"

"Not much better, as I said earlier." Nick started as he rubbed his face with his hands, trying to erase the fatigue from his eyes. "Kate called me after she talked with him. For what she said, Matt was laying in his bed, totally zoomed out. She said he gets like that after crying, so he probably cried his eyes out as well."

"Do you think Matt did right in breaking up with Kevin?"

Nick sighed. "I really don't know. Kate is adamant that it was the wisest thing." Nick stopped suddenly, not knowing how much to talk. After all, it was bad enough that he knew something private of Matt without him telling Nick, if Brian found out as well about his insecurities, Matt would most definitely hate both his and Kate's guts. "Matt... he was hurting by Kevin's silence. Kate'd do anything not see Matt hurt, and if that meant them being apart, she's glad it happened."

"But you said Matt was hurting anyway."

"Yeah, but she knows it'll pass, he'll get over it. But if they had stayed together, it'd be a continual torture. She didn't want that for Matt."

"Think she suggested it?"

"Nope. I know that for sure. It was Matt's idea."

Brian sighed. "Do you know if he hates Kevin?"

Nick turned to look at Brian, who had worry semblance, and gave him a sad smile. "He doesn't hate him. He cares too much about him. I think he even loves him." Nick knew that. Nick knew for a fact that Matt loved Kevin, but he also knew that Matt hadn't said it to Kevin, and the young blond wasn't gonna say the words before Matt himself.

Brian blinked rapidly in surprise. Kevin sure hadn't said anything about Matt saying he loved him.

The young blond recognized the look in Brian's face and grinned at him. "He hasn't said it Brian, he didn't told me." That was the truth, Matt hadn't told him, but Kate had told Nick that Matt was planning on telling Kevin he loved him. "But I can see it. I think he'd have told Kevin if he had the time, but they barely saw each other twice before the tour. Then... well..." He trailed off.

"I know." Said Brian. "I know."

"What about you, what do you think?"

The younger Kentucky cousin sighed. "I really don't know. Kevin loves Matt, that's for sure. I just don't know why he had been so closed up." Well, he had an idea, but Nick knew nothing about it. "I still can't understand why he didn't do something - anything - instead of accepting."

"Neither do I. But you're right, we can't do anything. It's his choice."

"And he already made it, didn't he?" Brian questioned softly, a desolated tone in his voice.

Nick nodded, even though it saddened him deeply.

We had been watching tv for about four hours already. We've gone through most of the first season - of course we skipped a couple of chapters that were just too plain to watch again - and half the second season - I totally jumped through Scully's abduction, I wasn't really fond of it - before we stopped paying attention and started talking.

"I talked with Nick, you know?"

I wasn't surprised by her statement at all. I had suspected enough, knowing her enough to be sure she'd have called him after she went to my room and saw me pretty much out of it.

"Thought so, yeah. What did he say?"

"He was worried about you."

"And probably went ballistic after you told him." I said with a smile.

She chuckled at my guess. "Yeah, pretty much. Didn't know what could have made you do it."

"But I'm pretty sure you told him, didn't you?"

Kate nodded. "Yeah, had to, otherwise I'm sure he'd have ended up with a coronary."

It was my time to chuckle. "I don't think so, he's far too young unless... he got that mad?" I questioned amazed by this point as I turned around to look at her.

"Yep, you bet he did. Wanted me to talk with ya about it, about talking with Kevin. He said he'd talk with Kevin."

"I don't want him to." I stated as I took a drink of my coke. From the looks of it, I was gonna have to stay out of the sugar for a long while.

"I know. I told him the same thing." She said while grinning at me.

"Do you think he won't talk with Kevin?" I asked with a amused smile. Knowing Nick, he'd probably end up talking with him anyway.

Kate shrugged. "I really don't know. I think I scared him enough not to try it, but I couldn't tell you for sure."

"I'm pretty sure he will. But I don't think it's gonna help much, either. Kevin made his choice, he won't change his mind."

Scooting over a little bit, she placed her arm around my shoulder and settled her head on the crock of my neck. "You'll be fine love, I'm sure you will."

I let out a soft sighed. It was great she was so sure about it, because I wasn't myself. "Yeah, I think I will. I just need some time."

She nodded against my neck.

"Besides, it's not like I'm gonna have the time to think about it. Finals are start the next week."

Still holding me tight, she shuddered at the thought. "Don't remind me. I wanna pretend there is no such thing as finals."

I chuckled as I started running my fingers through her soft brown hair. "Yeah, like that's gonna happen. Besides, don't you still have a project to finish?"

"Yep, so do you, right?"

I nodded. "Gotta go over to Carl's place tomorrow afternoon, and if we aren't done, then monday afternoon as well."

"Sucks."

"Big time. Way to spend sunday, don't ya think love?" I sighed softly. "I sure can't wait for summer vacation. I wanna go bowling!" My smile visibly in my voice.

Kate untangled herself from my embrace and turned to look at me. "But we went three days ago."

She was right. We had gone on wednesday to celebrate her eighteen birthday - May 6th. We had gotten to the point whenever something was to be celebrate, we'd go to the movies, go bowling and then have a nice dinner in Pizza Hut. I had given her the five games I picked up a couple of months ago, a teddy bear, a new lipstick - hers was almost finished - and a new pair of earphone for her Discman - her had broken after she dropped both the Discman and earphones a couple of weeks ago. I smiled as I remember just how much fun we had. "Yeah, you're right. But hey, you can never play enough bowling, that's for sure!"

"It was nice of Nick to remember my birthday, don't you think?" she said with a sweet smile.

"Yeah, very nice of the kiddo." Not only had he remembered, calling her and then talking the three of us, sung her happy birthday on the phone, but he had also send her a perfume. Very neat. One of Kate's favorites, Channel #5

Kate turned around, tilted her head slightly and started analyzing me. I knew what she was looking for, any indication that I was about to crack. But I wasn't. At least I felt like I wasn't. "You ok?" she questioned softly, barely whispering.

Slowly, I let out a small sigh as I started considering her question. It still hurt. And I was pretty sure he'd hurt for a little longer, but I could deal with it. With time, I'd be fine. "I will."

"Are you now?"

I shook my head. "I don't think so. I just need some time. Just some time."

She nodded and embraced me once again. Placing my head in the crook of her neck, I breathed in the aphrodisiac smell of her cologne and her skin. Opening her legs, I sat between then.

I let out another sigh as I let myself be hold by her.

Yeah, I would be fine.

Silence reined the bus as they made their way to another city. The concert had gone without any major problems. Kevin, as was usual by now, had barely said two words to they guys, unless it was work related. AJ had wanted to talk with the older man, but not with the rest of the group there. He had been hoping to catch him alone for a moment, but Kevin had gotten back after sound check with enough time to change and put on make up. Both Nick and Brian hadn't spoken about the subject after their small conversation in the bus. And Howie, Howie was glad at least AJ had gotten his wits back.

Now, a single figure could be seen in the kitchenette, while the rest of his brothers were sleeping. He had tried to catch a couple of hours of sleep, but it wouldn't come. He had moved around in his bunk for about an hour before accepting the fact that sleep wasn't gonna be something he'd enjoy that night. So he had made his way over to the kitchen area to have a glass of water.

Total darkness surrounded him as a small smile appeared on his lips while listening to his younger brothers. Kevin had long ago categorized each of their particular sounds while sleeping. He had spend enough sleepless nights during the past eight years to know them by heart, just like the rest that made the guys who they were.

Brian was snoring softly, barely audible unless you paid close attention and the place was totally quiet. As far as Kevin knew, none of the rest of the guys had realized this, since it wasn't loud enough to bother them.

AJ would whispered intelligible words during his sleep, mumbling things Kevin didn't think were actual words. Sometimes he would actually make sense, complete sentences, but nothing that had to do with their job or their lives. Kevin still wasn't sure why AJ talked in his sleep, maybe trying to figure out stuff he couldn't understand while awake.

A softy whistle could be heard from Howie's bunk. Something that could be easily confused for a cricket, but Kevin knew better. He had the theory that maybe Howie's nostrils were obstructed by something at night. Howie had no idea he made such a sound, and Kevin was sure not to let him find out. The guys would never let him hear the end of it.

Just like during the day, Nick couldn't hold still for a couple of minutes. Nick would let out a soft sigh, then toss and turn around in his bed. More than a couple of times his bed sheets had ended up on the floor, or had captured the young blond in a tight hold. It was like he was fighting his dreams, even though he really wasn't having nightmares. Kevin had made sure he was sleeping peacefully, which he was, but it was just his way of 'sleeping'.

The crack of one of the beds was heard, then the opening of the curtains and Kevin knew one of the guys had waken up. A shadow appeared in the hallway between the kitchen area and the entertaining room. AJ made his way over to the small table, joining Kevin.

"Couldn't sleep?"

Kevin nodded.

The younger man sighed as he took a sit in front of Kevin. "I... I wanted to talk with you."

Kevin looked up from his hands, even though he couldn't see the brown eyes in the dim room. "What did you want to talk about?", he asked tiredly. The last thing he wanted was having to talk about it again. He was tired of AJ's attitude towards Matt.

"About Matt."

Kevin sighed. "AJ, if you--"

"I'm sorry." He said softly.

"What?" What on earth name's was AJ talking about? This afternoon he had been blaming him about their break up, and now he was sorry?

"I'm sorry for everything I said. For what I told you about Matt. I shouldn't have."

"Yeah, you shouldn't." Kevin said dryly and truthfully. AJ didn't know half the truth to be able to judge Matt.

"I know. I just... I don't know. When you said you were dating him, it just surprised me. I was hoping you'd be with someone around your age."

"AJ--" Kevin was tired of the same conversation over and over again.

"I know it's none of my business. But I guess I was also worried. I don't know how long have you known you're gay or how much you've dated, but I've never seen you with a guy. And I was scared that if you went out with him, and he broke up with you, you'd be hurt." AJ sighed a sorrowful sigh. "You've always been there for us, to protect us. I just thought it was my turn. I didn't know Matt enough to be sure he wouldn't hurt you, so I went against him. I'm sorry."

Kevin took a good look at AJ. His eyes were downcast as he was fumbling with a trend of his tank top. He was really sorry. This was getting to be a very long day. "You don't hate me for dating him?"

AJ looked up totally surprised by the question. "What?"

"I had the idea you weren't totally comfortable with me being gay."

"No, this has nothing to do with that. I just... I didn't know Matt's intentions and got all defensive for a second. I'm not against you Kev. I swear."

Kevin let out a sigh he didn't even know he was holding. "I thought you hated me." He said softly, the moisture welling up in his eyes, quivering his voice slightly.

AJ stood up from his seat and crossed the space between him and Kevin. Standing in front of Kevin, AJ embraced the older man. "You're my big brother Kev. I'm cool with this."

"Thanks." He whispered as he returned the hug.

The younger man pulled away from the embrace. "You're welcome. I guess we should get back to bed, otherwise we're gonna be falling asleep during practice."

Kevin nodded. "In a while. You go ahead."

AJ took one thoughtful look at Kevin before nodding. He knew Kevin wasn't gonna hick the sack anytime soon. "Nigh' Train."

"Nigh' Bone."

With that, AJ made his way over to his bunk and climbed onto it. Five minutes later, he was asleep.

But Kevin wasn't.

His mind was working over time, just like before AJ joined him. So many thoughts that it felt like his head was gonna implode.

At least now he had one less thing to worry about: AJ wasn't mad at him anymore. What he had said to the younger man was right. Kevin had been dead sure he was uncomfortable with him being gay, being that one of the reasons AJ was so against Matt. If he really wanted to believe Kevin wasn't gay, then seeing him with someone wasn't gonna help.

Letting out a soft sigh, Kevin let that worry out of his mind.

He had other things to worry about.

Like Matt.

So much had happened and he couldn't even stop thinking about it. The phone conversation kept plaguing his mind. The hurtful tone and the sad words. How could he sleep with all that going through is head?

Endless thoughts came crushing all at once and Kevin could feel a headache starting in the back of his skull.

'I've got to go to bed.' He told himself. 'We've got stuff to do tomorrow. I need to sleep.'

Standing up from the table, he made his way slowly over to his bunk. Not only was he physically tired, but mentally as well. Climbing onto it, he laid down on his side and closed his eyes.

All he had to do was try not to think. To keep a blank image in his mind, so his mind could rest long enough for him to fall asleep. A easy task, but not so easy when you're in the border of a mental breakdown.

His breathing relaxed as he kept that white background in his mind.

'Breath, and relax.' Kevin thought. 'Breath and relax.'

And, as his psyche slowly succumbed to sleep, the picture of dark hair and coal black eyes resurfaced from between the shadows.

The situation hadn't improve the next day, and you could tell by the guys' faces. Kevin's gloom mood hadn't change and he still wasn't talking to the rest of the guys.

The morning had been busy enough not to let the guys worry too much about Kevin's withdrawing behavior. A photo shoot and a magazine interview had been scheduled before lunch, leaving them just enough time to have lunch, then they had to head out to a album singing that had taken too much time for their taste. With barely one hour to kill before they had to head to the venue, Kevin had decided it'd better for them to go there right away.

And now, the guys were located in different places of the coliseum. AJ and Howie had decided to play some pool and were in what could be called the dinning room. Brian had gone over to the bus to catch a quick nap and Kevin had no idea where Nick was.

Sitting in the dressing room, some papers spread on the table, Kevin looked around them. There had been small problems with the equipment. Sound check had gone alright, but Kevin was sure that if it wasn't work out right away, more problems would be on the sight.

Just as he was thinking about going to the bus to take a nap himself, Nick entered the room. Kevin sighed.

Nick looked at the older man, then made his way over to his gym bag and picked up his sketchbook. He had been wanting to talk with Kevin ever since he talked with Kate, but her words kept ringing through his ears. She was right. Matt had done what was best for him.

"Hmmm.... Nick?"

The blond looked up from his bag and turned around. "Hmm?"

"How's Matt?" Kevin's voice was soft, barely above a whisper and it wouldn't have been heard if it wasn't for the utter silence reining in the room.

"Do you really care?" Nick asked, harsher than he had intended.

"Of course I care!" Kevin said indignantly. "We're friends."

"Yeah, I can see that!" Nick's anger was taking over him and he wasn't planning on stopping it. "Friends don't hurt each other Kevin. Friends don't. But you hurt Matt and I'm pretty sure you know that."

"I didn't mean to." Kevin's voice took a softer tone all of a sudden. It was like his life had given out on him for a second.

Nick sighed. "Look." He said calmer than before. "I know you didn't mean to hurt him. But you did. That's the point." Nick looked at him thoughtfully. Kevin was sitting on a chair by the table, his eyes locked with his folded hands resting by the papers. And, in that minute, he decided to risk his neck. "There's stuff you don't know about Matt. He risked a lot by being with ya, you know?"

"What do you mean?" Kevin's green eyes suddenly took a darker tone. Worried visible all over his face.

Ooh. He knew he couldn't tell him. Nick knew that not only would Matt hate him if he found out he knew - and had told Kevin -, but Kate would have his head on a silver platter. "He..." He gulped. "He... you know you're his first boyfriend, right? Well, he was afraid of what would happen with your relationship when the tour started. He thought you'd get tire of him and dump him." Nick sighed again. "Guess he wasn't that wrong. After all, it's like you did get tired of him."

"It wasn't that." Kevin muttered. Nick didn't know if he had said directed to him, or if he was thinking aloud. "It wasn't like that at all. I care a lot for him... I do... I love him."

"Then why don't you show it? Why don't you do something instead of being here sitting on a table, looking at papers you know by heart? Why don't you do or say something if you care as much as you say? If you love him?" Nick was expressing all his contained anger on Kevin, anger towards both Kevin and Matt. He was gonna speak his mind to at least one of them.

Kevin sighed. He wanted to do that. He had wanted to say something when Matt brought up the whole being apart issue. But he hadn't. And now it was probably too late.

Nick looked at the shaken form of his older friend. His older brother. "I think I was wrong. I used to think you were the bravest of us all, the one who could face whatever it was that came towards us. But I was wrong. You love him - or you say you do - and still, you did nothing." Nick let out a soft breath before speaking. "You're not as brave as I thought you were."

With that Nick left the room.

Kevin placed his head on top of his folded arms as he let his body shake with his tears. He didn't care the schedule papers were underneath, he didn't care one of the guys or the crew could come inside and see him, he didn't care anymore. Because Nick had been right. When he was supposed to be brave, he wasn't. And he was paying for it.

I arrived home around nine thirty wondering to myself why in God's name had I agree to do this project. I was hating every second of it and my homicidal tendencies were surfacing once again.

"I see you came back in one piece." Kate said from her position on the couch. She had a coke in one hand the remote on the other.

"Ha. Ha. Very funny love." I sighed as I sat down heavily on the couch. Taking her coke on my hands, I took a sip. "Have I told you I hate college?"

"I think we've covered that the past two years, yes, but you can say it again darling. I'm all ears."

The tv volume was low enough that we could talk, but at least we'd have some background sound. I stood up and said after me, "I'm going for a coke." When I opened the kitchen door, I heard her ask for one herself. She was right, I had almost finished hers.

I picked two cans of Coca Cola and walked back to the couch. I gave Kate once as I noticed she had finished the other one already and opened mine. "You do realize we're the ones keeping Coca Cola open, right? I mean, if it wasn't for us, I'm pretty sure they'd have hit bankrupt a long time ago."

That got me her laughter as I couldn't help but smile. We had been drinking Coca cola for so long, it was a second nature to us. Besides getting about two or three large bottles of coke and about two dozen of cans, we got a lot of Gatorade (yeah, I'm addicted to that too) and pineapple yogurt - that was the only one I could stand, Kate at least could drink the strawberry one as well. I mean, you have to drink something healthy from time to time, and that was why yogurt kept a settle place on our daily diet.

After a minute, she answered me, "You're right. We are paying their bills."

For the first time since I had arrived, I turned to see what it was she was watching. Ruggrats was on and I couldn't help but smile. "You're watching cartoons?"

She shrugged. "There was nothing better on, besides, I like Tommy."

"I like Chucky... he's so cute!"

I heard her chuckle as I placed my head on her shoulder, with a sigh, we watch the tv show in silence.

About twenty minutes later, she finally spoke. "You haven't told me how your project go, was it that bad?"

I smiled despite myself. "It wasn't that bad, but I still have to tomorrow afternoon. We've left a couple of loose ends. This project has to be perfect, is the last of the subject."

She sighed. "Are you ok?"

"Sure, why wouldn't I?" As I turned around to look at her, I realized what she meant. It was my time to sigh. "It still hurts, but I'm sure it'll hurt for a while, but I'm fine. I'll be fine."

She placed her hand around my waste and pressed her cheek against my hair tenderly. "I'm here love. I'll be here all the way. We'll make it through."

We'll make it through.

We. Not me. Bot alone. Both of us. I could feel moisture in my eyes as the words run through my mind. Together, we'd make it through.

"You're right." I whispered, and I'm sure she could tell I was close to tears by the way my voice cracked. "We will make it through."

After the concert, the group left immediately for the bus. Driving all night long, they reached the next city early morning. At least the guys had enough time to enjoy a couple more hours of sleep, something that the five very tired singers were grateful for. The next morning a radio interview had been scheduled, and after lunch, a quick photo shoot, they had the afternoon off. No concert that night.

Kevin, as usual, had spend the afternoon alone in his room. Laying in his bed, something he seemed to be doing far too much lately, let his mind wondered around.

Everything that had happened kept running through his mind. His break up with Matt was something he wished he could have avoided. If only he had talked with him, if only he had let him in. Instead, he had closed up in his own pair and sorrow. He had let his fears take over him, over his rationality.

He knew he could have fixed it. If he had let himself open to Matt, like he did back in his house that night two months ago, things could have worked out. Why had he changed? Why hadn't he tried to believe Matt enough to let him in?

Everything that night had been magical. Matt had talked with Kevin about things that seemed very personal to him. He had really opened up to him. That had also been the first time he had seen him shed some tears. Matt had told him about his fascination with both the pool and the stars. How important trust was in his life. How much he cared for Kate, but had started opening up to him and the rest of the guys as well, something he wouldn't have done in the past - as Matt had said himself.

And Kevin had opened up himself as well. He had let himself crumble slightly at the reality of his lonely position within the group. And it still amazed him. The guys knew him for eight years, while Matt had only met him a week before, however he had been able to see just how bad Kevin was hurting. He had realized Kevin was hiding something, he was hurting by being the odd man out. Matt had seen it, and had comforted Kevin about it.

The way Matt had let Kevin rest against his chest, the way his arm had rubbed against Kevin's forearm, the way his fingers had been running through his hair. And his words. His tender words that somehow let Kevin to believe he understood him. That his loneliness wasn't an unfamiliar feeling for him.

/I'm here for you./

Had been Matt's exact words. Had been his secret promise.

And he had kept it. He had been there for him. And he would have been there for Kevin as well, if he had only trusted him enough. If he had let himself be loved once again.

/You aren't worth it./

Greg's voice fought back. He was always taunting him, minimizing him as much as he could.

But he was wrong. Matt has said he cared for him. He liked Kevin. Matt had accepted to be his boyfriend, and it had to count for something, right?

'If you would just give him a chance.' His mind whispered softly, trying to convince him for the best. Trying to make him sure of himself, just like he had been once, back when Greg didn't existed.

'If you would just give both of you a chance.'

A chance.

That was all he needed.

Another chance. Another chance to make things right. To make things work.

"A chance." He said aloud as he sat back on his bed. "A chance."

Maybe it wasn't too late after all. Maybe he could still talk with Matt. Let him know just how much he loved him, how much he cared for him, and how much he wanted to make things work between the two of them.

Maybe it wasn't too late.

"Please don't let it be too late." Kevin prayed softly as he stood up from his bed as soon as his legs could carry him. Picking up his wallet and hotel key that stood on the chest drawer, retrieving his jacket from a nearby chair, where it had landed on the minute he walked in his room after having lunch with the guys, Kevin half walked-half trotted over to the door and opened it quickly. Closing the door behind him, he made his way to the room next to his. Banging the door loudly, he waited for an answer.

"What?!" questioned a very angry Brian as he opened the door. He was surprised to see Kevin standing on the threshold. Not only he had been pretty quiet the last couple of days, but he hadn't left his room unless it had to do with the group.

"I'm leaving." Said Kevin a little breathless as he walked passed Brian and entered his room.

"What are you talking about?" Brian looked at Kevin totally confused. Closing his door after him, Brian turned to Kevin.

"I'm leaving." Kevin repeated quickly, a chant that kept running through his mind, trying to convince him it was the right to do, the only thing to do unless he wanted to loose him. And for good. "I'm going back to Orlando. I've got to talk with Matt, see if we can make it work, if he's willing to give me another chance." He sighed as he tried to catch his breath. Everything was going too fast, but he knew he had to act, to do something before it was actually too late. "I can't loose him Brian, I can't. And I'm gonna fight it every step of the way."

A small smile played on the younger man's lips.

'Finally!' Brian's mind screamed. 'Finally Kevin has come to his senses. And whoever that person was - the one who had been pretending to be Kevin for the past couple of weeks - has left and the old Kevin - the one I know and the one who fights until the end - is back.'

"Good." Brian said calmly, the smile still on his features. "Good. Go, see him, talk with him. Beg if you have to Kevin." He said with a small laugh and Kevin smiled back. "Crawl if that's what it takes, but get him back. You love him. And I know he loves you too."

"Thanks." Kevin walked back to the door and opened it himself. Turning around, he spoke. "I should be back by morning."

'And hopefully Matt will take me back.' Kevin thought.

"Don't worry Kev." Brian met Kevin by the door, leaning against the side of it.

"Tell the guys I had to leave, ok?" Kevin waited for Brian to nod before walking to the elevator at the end of the hallway. As the doors opened, Kevin stepped in.

"Good luck!" Brian called after Kevin as the sliding doors started to close.

"Thanks." Kevin saw Brian smiled as he heard his answer. As the doors closed completely, Kevin let out small sigh.

'Don't let it be too late.' Was the only thing running through Kevin's mind.

The way from the airport to Matt's house was made a lot quicker than Kevin thought. It was already seven thirty and Kevin couldn't feel but a little scare about what he was gonna say to the younger man.

'The truth.' Kevin thought to himself. 'I need to tell him everything, that's the only way. I need to tell him why I haven't been honest to him. Why I've been pulling away.'

As the cap pulled onto Matt's driveway, Kevin let out a soft sigh. 'Just let me be able to talk with him.'

Paying the cabby, Kevin walked over to the door. His hands were sweating slightly and his heart beat was working about a mile per hour. Knowing he had to do it, Kevin knocked on the door.

After waiting for a couple of minutes, Kevin could hear footsteps behind the door, as it opened slowly, revealing Kate, wearing old jeans and a loose long sleeves shirt.

A smile on her lips, she spoke while opening the door. "Matt, only you can forget your keys--" her sentence came to an abrupt end as she realized just who was standing on the door. With a frown, she questioned. "What the hell are you doing here?"

Kevin had known the possibilities of seeing Kate even before talking with Matt were too great, but had hoped for a little luck. Now, facing the girl who cared so deeply about Matt, and most certainly wanted Kevin's head on a silver platter, he didn't know what to say. "I came to talk with Matt."

"You sure have some nerve, do you know that? There is no way you're seeing him, so just leave!" Kate tried to close the door, but Kevin placed his foot between the door and the side of the door, so she wouldn't be able to close it. "What do you think you are doing?"

"Listen to me." Kevin pleaded softly. "That's all I'm asking for. Just listen to me for a minute." His green eyes locked with Kate's brown ones, trying to let her know just how bad he was feeling, how much he needed to see Matt.

Kate sighed. She loved Matt too much and knew, without a doubt, that her best friend was totally head over heels for the dark haired man that now stood in front of her. Kate's rational side suggested her to at least hear him out. If his reasons were good enough, he'd get to see Matt. But if they weren't... lets just say she just might cave into her homicidal tendencies.

"One minute. That's all you're getting."

Kevin let a small smile play on his lips. At least that was an opening. Now, he just hoped she found his reasons acceptable.

Parking my car in the garage, I turned off the engine. I was dead tired and all I wanted was get into bed. It was almost nine and we had barely finished the project. It is unbelievable the amount of yelling five people can produce trying to decided the parts to be distributed about the presentation.

I opened the door and walked into the hallway. Getting into the study for a minute, I left my backpack there.

"Kate!" I called out as I moved towards the kitchen, hoping to find her there having dinner. Nope. "I'm here honey, where are you?"

As I walked into the living room, I saw a figure sitting on the couch. It was far too dark to see who it was. "Kate?"

Turning on the light, I couldn't help but gasp. "Kevin?"

Kevin stood up from the couch and walked over to where I was standing. "Matt I--"

"What are you doing here? Where's Kate?" I was almost frantic. I knew she was hating his guts at the moment and it was surprisingly enough for me to see him sitting on the couch in my house.

"I talked with her when I arrived, she let me in to wait for you." As he stood in front of me, he fixed his gaze with mine. "I just want to talk with you."

"Well I don't!" I said as I walked over to the stairs that led to the second floor. "I don't want to talk. Leave!"

"Matt--"

"No!" I said stubbornly. I had enough with him being here, by my side, to even be able to talk with him. "I don't want to talk. We've got nothing to talk about."

"Yes we do." He joined me in the bottom of the stairs. "Please."

"No." I whispered. Starting my way to the top of the stairs, I continued. "Leave, we've go nothing to talk about."

"There's stuff I never told you. Things I should have, but I couldn't. Please Matt, just give me a couple of minutes to talk with you." Kevin pleaded as he saw the man he loved, the one he wanted to get back with, walking out of him.

I sighed. Turning around I gazed into his sapphire green eyes. My heart went out to him. If he wanted to talk with me, I was gonna let him do that. I was gonna hear him out, even if it was only for a couple of minutes. "I... ok, lets talk."

Kevin let out a sigh of relieve. "Thanks."

I walked down the stairs and pass him into the living room, taking a seat on the couch, I waited. I really don't know what I wanted to hear from him, what I was expecting. If was expecting anything at all. I mean, it had taken me fourteen years to actually trust Kate, I knew I couldn't trust him when I had barely known him for two months.

Kevin took the hint and joined me on the couch. "I..." He sighed. "I wasn't truthful with you."

You weren't the only one Kevin. I'm sure of that.

"I never told you about Greg." His voice quivered at the name.

"Greg?"

He nodded. "And old boyfriend of mine. I met him about two years ago. Things... things were great the first couple of weeks, then we started dating. The guys never knew about him." Kevin paused. "Then... things changed."

I waited patiently as he seemed to arrange his thoughts. He was right, he had never told me about any Greg.

Moisture came to Kevin's eyes as he tried to find a way to say everything. To finally speak about it. "He never liked me being away from him. He didn't like it." He took a deep breath. "He started... he..." Tears started making their way down Kevin's cheeks.

I was dead stunned where I was sitting. Scooting closer to him, I placed my arm around his shoulders. "Kevin?"

"I'm fine." He said softly. "I've got to tell you." He looked at me for a moment, then dropped his gaze to his folded hands in his lap. "Things changed suddenly. He stopped being as sweet as he used to. He changed. He used to get mad at me whenever I had to leave for the tour. He would... punch me. Hit me."

I gasped.

Kevin looked up at me. "I know. I should have stopped it, but I couldn't. I just couldn't."

"Why?" I know, stupid question coming from me. Kinda like the kettle calling pot, since I can't run away from my fears either.

He shrugged. "I don't know. I loved him, I thought he loved me too. I believed it long enough. Until... until things just got to be too much. One day we had the afternoon off and I traveled all the way back here to see him. I told him to met me back in my apartment, and he did. We were talking and, like always, he tensed up when I mentioned I had to get back the next day. He'd always get violent whenever I had to leave him. He though... he thought I was cheating on him. He thought I was sleeping with one of the guys."

He paused waiting for Matt's response. Nothing. He gulped and continued. "I wasn't. I never cheated on him. He... he got violent... even worse than before. He... he threw me to the wall, then... then..." Tears kept running down his cheeks freely.

No, no, no, no. My mind kept running far to quick for me to catch up. I knew what he was gonna say. Somehow I knew it. But I hoped it wasn't. I hoped and prayed it wasn't.

Please don't!

Please!

No... no... no!

"He... He raped me." Kevin whispered as he started sobbing.

I didn't think twice before pulling him to my chest. I cradled him tenderly as he kept crying loudly, his sobs rocking his body. I was crying as well, tears had started even before he said the words, because I knew what he was gonna say. Embracing him tightly, he placed his head in the crock of my neck as I tried to calm him down. To calm both of us down.

"Shhh..." Running my fingers through his hair, I started rocking up back and forth on the couch. "Shhh..."

His sobs broke my heart all over again. Whatever I was feeling before he came, before he talked with me, was long ago forgotten. He had confided in me to tell me something as private and hurtful as this, and it amazed me to no end.

I still couldn't believe something so... horrible could have happened to someone as sweet and tender as Kevin. Why? I mean, he didn't do anything wrong, why did it have to happen?

I sighed softly. I knew I wasn't gonna get an answer, but it didn't help in the least. It hurt. It hurt me seeing Kevin this broken. Knowing he had been so hurt by someone who was supposed to love him. Someone he trusted.

I didn't know what to say, or what else to do. I knew that even words were meaningless in that moment. Why was there for me to say? It had happened and there was no way for me to change it, even if I wanted to - and God didn't I want to! But I couldn't. So I just did what came to my mind, I tight my grip on him.

After a while - I really don't know how long, it could have been half an hour for all I noticed - Kevin's sobs subside. My crying had long ago stopped - only to be replaced by an empty feeling in my heart.

Slowly, he lifted his head and looked at me. His eyes were all read and puffy, his cheeks tear strained. "I'm sorry."

"Why? Why would you be sorry?" My voice was so soft, I'm amazed he was able to hear me at all.

"I should have told you sooner." He answered just as softly. "I shouldn't have kept it from you."

Sure, go ahead. Keep making me feel guilty.

"That was why... that was why I pulled away from you. Greg kept saying I wasn't worth it. I kept hearing his voice in my head. Telling me that I wasn't a good boyfriend and I thought you deserved better." He explained me, his eyes downcast. "I thought he was right, I thought I wasn't worth it. And I pulled away." Looking up to me, he continued. "I'm sorry."

I gulped. Loudly. It was like a lump the size of Texas had gotten stuck in the middle of my throat. Oh Lord. How could he feel guilty when I had done the very same thing? "There's nothing to be sorry for Kevin. You... you were scared." And God knows you weren't he only one. "You acted as you thought fit better. It wasn't your fault."

"Yes it was! I should have told you, I should have--"

"Yes, you probably should have told me, but you weren't ready. You just couldn't. I understand that." Better than you could ever imagine.

I fixed my gaze with his enchanting green eyes. Brushing away a lock of hair from his forehead, I let my feelings take over.

'Don't think' I told myself. 'Just feel. For once in your life, just feel.'

And I did just that.

Caressing his cheek with the back of my hand, I watched as he leaned into the caress, his eyes half-closing in wonder and his lips parting slightly. Letting in a long breath, I felt as my emotions got caught up in my throat.

"I love you Kevin." I said softly. "I've always loved you. What I did... what I chose to do, was because I was scared as well."

Kevin looked up at me in wonder.

Might as well just have a small confession on my own, right? "I was scared. I thought you had gotten bored of me."

"Why would I?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. We had barely spoken before you left and I thought you realized this." I motioned for the both of us. "Wasn't for you. You're pulling away only seemed to confirm it. So I broke up with you. I did it because it was the best. I'm sorry. I am the one who should be sorry. I should have talked with you."

"You didn't know--" Kevin started.

"But I should have asked. We should have talked instead of just pulling away." I sighed. "I did too. I didn't give us much of a chance. I--"

He silenced me when he placed his fingers in my chin and lifted my gaze to met his. And what I saw, took my breath away. I saw love. Sheer and utter love. Love directed towards me. And for once I tried not to questioned it. Not to think just how long it will take for him before he actually realized what a waste I was. I wasn't going to contaminate this precious moment with my doubts. I wasn't.

Quietly and slowly he brought my face closer to his. My breath was caught in my throat once again. I didn't know what to do. Actually, I didn't let myself do anything: just feel. And I was feeling. My whole body was going into over drive at the amount of emotions going through my mind at the moment: love, happiness, wonder, fear, amazement... everything at once.

I let myself drawn in his eyes as he closed the space between us. Bringing my lips to his, he kissed me softly, tentatively at the beginning, unsure. I had never experienced the feelings that were rushing through me at that moment. Everything seemed to change. Everything seemed to have been made just for this moment only. For me and him together, here, in my living room kissing softly, tenderly and oh so perfect that nothing would ever compare to it, nothing would ever be better because, for me, this was it. This was the whole thing. Even if it was gonna come to an end at some point - because I knew like I knew my name that it would come to an end -, I would hold it preciously in my memory.

I leaned forward as Kevin kissed me again, more insistently this time, and I felt Kevin's tongue lick over my lips, eager to explore. I opened my mouth slightly for the very first time. It was funny now that I think of it, I had always thought french kisses were all yucky, but maybe, just maybe, if you do it with someone you love, it wasn't all that bad. And I was about to prove myself right.

Our tongues seemed to battle and I had never felt better in my whole life. Time stood still. The kiss lasted for what seemed like hours but in reality it was only minutes. It wasn't yucky, it was so deep and so precious I couldn't even describe it with words. Somehow it reminded me of the first kiss we had share, but at the same time, it was so much different. So much different. This one was more meaningful. A secret promise held within. A promise of true and open love. A promise of communication between the two of us.

For a moment I let my mind just go with the waves. Whatever was to come out of this, if we were either to get together once again or just forget this had happened, wasn't important at the moment. The only thing that was important was us. The two of us here, right where we were, kissing.

He brought his hands to the back of my face, his fingers holding slightly at my black hair. I needed him closer, somehow in the same physical space that I was occupying at the moment. I placed one of my hands on his lower back, the other one on his shoulder as I pressed him tightly to my chest. This was so much different and I seemed to understand just why. There was nothing between us anymore. Not like before, not like when Kevin was keeping that piece of information from me. But then again, I was still restraining information.

As he pulled away, his lips lingered to mine for a moment longer. I was caught up in the feelings that were rushing through me. I wondered how could the body and the mind process the amount of feelings I was having at the moment without crashing. It was amazing.

His hands moved over to either side of my cheeks, holding my face still close to his while he planted velvet soft kisses all over my cheeks and nose. I was in heaven. My right hand, which was on his shoulder, moved over to the back of his neck as I needed to hold him closer to me.

Locking his eyes with mine, his sapphire green emeralds were shining with unshed tears. But somehow I knew this were different tears. A small smile played on his lips, his nose crinkled slightly, making him way too cute for words.

"What?" I questioned as the corners of my lips twitched up slightly. I must admit, his smile was contagious.

A single tear made its way down Kevin's sculpted cheeks. As the smile broaden, he answered. "You said you love me."

"I did?" I questioned softly. I didn't need to see Kevin nodding to know I had done it. "I didn't notice." My eyes still locked with his, I moved my hand to his cheek as I caressed it tenderly. "I do. I love you."

Two more tears made their way down.

I brushed them away with my thumb. "I love you Kevin. I think I've loved you all along, I was just too afraid to say it aloud." I leaned over and kissed him tenderly on the lips. Pulling away, I repeated. "I love you."

Kevin chuckled softly as a new shed of tears started running down his eyes. It was a happy laughter and I think they were happy tears as well. "You've never said it. This is the first time I hear you say the words."

His lips found mine in a lovingly kiss. This time, I didn't doubted when his tongue touched my lips, I parted them immediately.

Kevin probed carefully and slowly, hoping to enjoy it for as long as he could. The younger man tasted sweetly and, not as amazing as he would have thought, to coke. After a moment, Kevin pulled away just as slowly, his lips lingering a moment longer.

"I love you." Kevin stated, then started chuckling. "I love you!" he said a little louder.

Seeing him this... goofy made me laugh. I know, I know. I'm always laughing.

He placed both his hands on my shoulders as he pulled me closer, looking right into my eyes. "I love you." He repeated. "I love you and I'm not gonna stop saying it. I. Love. You." Kevin said each word securely. Confidently.

I chuckled with him. "I love you too. Gosh, it feels so good to finally be able to tell you. I love you." I whispered.

Kevin pulled me to his chest slowly, then proceeded to lay down on the couch. This, too, was different. Somehow it had changed. I didn't feel as awkward or uncomfortable as I used to. It felt... right. I let out a small sigh. I liked this. I liked him. I loved him.

We stood like that, me listening to his heart beat under my ear and him running his fingers through my hair, for what seemed like hours. I don't know how long it actually was. And, to tell you the truth, I didn't care either. Finally I was letting myself be drawn by my feelings. Kate was gonna be proud...

And suddenly, it hit me.

Kate!

Sitting down in one movement, I turned around to look at him. "Where's Kate?"

Kevin gave me a small grin as he placed his hands on my shoulders once again and pulled me to his chest, to resume the position I had. "Relax, will ya? After I talked with her, and let me tell you it wasn't easy to convince her to let me talk with you."

I smiled to myself. I knew she would be a tough cookie. I was still half amazed Kevin had actually talked her into letting him in.

"I asked her if I could talk with you alone." Kevin continued. "To my surprise, she accepted. She said something about going to the movies and maybe later she'd get something for dinner."

"That's good. I got scared there for a minute. She isn't the type just to leave for a while and not telling me where she's going."

"Sorry, I should have told you sooner."

Reaching up my hand, I caressed his cheek tenderly. "It's ok love, I forgot about it as well."

A smile appeared in his lips as he heard the words. 'Love'. Matt had never called him any pet names, the only ones Kevin had ever heard the young man said had been directed to Kate, something that had make him so green with jealously he still didn't know how he had gotten through those days.

"What are you smiling about?"

Siting up slightly, he kissed me once again. "You said 'love'."

"Yes?" I still didn't get it. Had I said something wrong? Something he didn't like?

"This is the first time you call me 'love'. Or any other pet names for that matter." He leaned over and kissed me on the top of my nose. "I like it."

"Good." I said with a small smile of my own. "I like calling you pet names."

'Now that you're here.' I thought to myself, but then again, where were we standing? I sighed.

"You ok?" Kevin asked me softly as he looked at me with worried eyes. I guess my sigh wasn't all that happy.

"Kevin." I started. "Where do we stand? I mean, we used to be together and then... well... now... what are we?" I really didn't know where I was getting at, all I knew was that I needed an answer. A truthful answer.

"I was starting to think the very same thing... and... well, I want you to be my boyfriend, that is, if you take me back?"

A huge grin formed in my lips as I heard the words. Could God be any nicer to me? I don't think so. "Of course I'll take you back!" I leaned down and kissed him tenderly. "I love you honey."

Kevin's heart brim with happiness. He couldn't believe everything was going as well as it was. First, Matt said he loved him, then he even started calling him pet names and now, he was initiating the kisses - something Kevin had realized a while ago: Matt never started the kissing. For as long - even though it wasn't that long - as they'd been together, it had always been Kevin the one who kissed Matt, not the other way around. And now, now Matt had kissed him out of his very own initiative - Matt had even parted his lips, something he hadn't done before either.

And, to top things, they were back together.

"This time it's going to be different though." Kevin added as a thought struck him.

"What do you mean?"

Kevin sighed. "I'm not pulling away. We're not gonna drift apart, not like we did last time." Turning to look at me, he continue. "Promise that Matt, promise me that we'll talk about whatever it's bothering us?"

I gazed up at his intense green eyes and I found myself short of words. What was I suppose to say? I knew that if I accepted that, I'd be lying. I can barely speak with Kate about stuff that's bugging me, how am I suppose to speak with Kevin without risking my sanity? I didn't know.

"You'll do the same?" I contra-asked. "You'll talk with me?"

Kevin nodded. "Yes, I've learn that the best way to deal with anything is talking it with you Matt."

I stayed quiet for a second before nodding as well. "I promise." I whispered softly and I knew I was lying. The words left my mouth so very easily, that it felt like I had practiced them or it was the truth. Neither of them being accurate at all. I had experience in hidden my feelings from the close observer. And I had mastered it to a known art.

I rested my head on his chest once again as his fingers resumed their task as they moved through my hair.

"It won't happened again." I heard Kevin said, his voice letting in the soft southern drawl I loved so much. "We won't forget about the other. We won't call each other only once a week. We'll talk every day Matt, I promise. I'll call you every single minute I've got available and you'll get bored of my voice."

I chuckled at the mental picture. "Somehow I don't think that's possible. I love your voice."

His hand moved over to my neck, his finger making their quiet way over my collar bone. "We'll talk and I'll tell you everything about the tour. And you'll tell me about college. And I'll know more about your life than Nicky himself."

I sighed as I heard the reference. "I'm sorry, it's just that--"

I paused as his fingers lifted my chin and my coal black eyes met sapphire green. "Don't apologize. It's in the past now. Besides, it wasn't like I was

good listener back then."

I nodded. "Thanks."

"We'll talk." Kevin continued. "Really talk. I'll need your school schedule though, the last thing I want is interrupt you in the middle of a class."

I chuckled slightly. Kevin, always the worried parent. Assuming a new position, I folded my hands on his chest and rested my chin on top of my hands. "I wouldn't mind." I interjected, but somehow I knew it wouldn't change anything.

"No, college is important. There is no way I'm going to be responsible for you missing class."

"Sure, I'll give it to you if that'll let you sleep." I said with a grin while Kevin glared at me. "Besides," I continued. "finals start next week. I only have three more weeks to go before vacation. Then we can talk all you want... or all you can."

Kevin crocked his head slightly to the side. "Vacation?"

"Yeah, summer vacation."

"How long is it?"

"I don't know really. I think classes start sometime in october."

Kevin's mind was running wild as an idea came to him. Summer vacation? Three months?

A smile lit his face as he sad down so fast I almost lost my balance. Kevin steady me with both hands on my shoulders as he gazed down at me. his eyes were sparkling so vivid it reminded me of a kid at Christmas.

"Come with me on tour." Kevin stated with a bright smile. His eyes were dancing as an endless number of possibilities run through his mind. His eyebrows were up slightly in utter excitement and his cheeks had taken a pinkish color.

I blinked once, then twice, as the words registered in my brain. Go on tour? With him? And the guys? For the summer?

"What?" I stuttered.

"Come with me on tour." Kevin repeated, his facial expression never quivering for a second. "You said yourself you've got summer vacations coming, right? What better way to spend the summer than to travel across the country Backstreet style?" Kevin was convinced it was the best and most magnificent idea. They could be together for three months. Three months that sure as hell beat the three days they had spend together before he left for the tour. Matt would be with him and it'd give Kevin the opportunity to learn more new things abut him, get to know him better. There was nothing he wanted more than to discovered what laid under those coal black eyes that sparkled with laughter and his soft smile that seemed to lit the room.

Kevin wanted me to travel... with him? "I can't." I started slowly, my tongue getting caught in my throat as the words left my lips. "I can't just leave." 'With you' I finished to myself.

"Why not? Give me one good reason."

"I can't leave Kate alone." I know, lousy answer. Kate would be the first one to tell me to pack my things and head over to wherever it was that Kevin was at the moment. Yep, that'd show progress from her mood lately. Kevin had been right before, it was a miracle Kate let him in the house.

"She'll come with us. Nick will be thrilled. Besides, it'd give you both an opportunity to get closer to the guys."

"I don't know." I said doubtfully. I knew it was great we were together again, and I was happy for that, but going with him on tour was something totally different. It meant... commitment.

"Come on." He prodded me once again as he took my hand in his tenderly, entwining our fingers. Bringing our hands to his face, he kissed each one of my knuckles softly. As he kissed my pinky, he lifted his piercing green eyes to me. His lips were wet against my knuckles, his mustache brushing my flesh, the corners of his mouth twitching up in an inviting smile.

I sighed. What was it with this man as his uncanny ability to know exactly what to do to make me cave in to him? With those eyes and those lips there was no way I could say no to him.

Here he was, the man I loved, asking me to join him in a trip for the summer around half the country. Don't get me wrong, I did wanted to go, but I was still a little bit afraid. What if I go, what would that mean? Besides being together for three months, we'd to know each other on a deeper level, maybe I'd learn to trust him more.

"Ok." I said slowly as I saw his face lit up with a smile. "But." I started and Kevin slumped down his shoulders. "It's Kate's call. If she doesn't wanna go, we won't."

Kevin nodded. It didn't matter, at least know he had the opening, a little bit of acceptance from Matt. That was more than he had been expecting.

"However." I added after a small pause. "I don't think she'd say no. Knowing her, she's probably going to jump at the opportunity."

"That's great." Moving slowly, Kevin kissed me on the lips.

As we pulled apart, a thought struck me. Kate and I'd be on tour with the guys, with the five of them.

AJ.

"Matt, you ok?" Kevin asked as he saw a look of concern pass through his boyfriend's face. 'Boyfriend' he thought to himself. 'and I was sure I'd never get to say that about him anymore.'

"Yeah... hmm..." I was totally unsure about talking about this with him. I mean, AJ was Kevin's friend after all, the last thing I wanted was to strain their relationship, specially during a tour.

"What?"

"What about AJ? I know I'm not his favorite person right now. Maybe when you tell them we're back together, he won't be that happy."

Kevin smiled as he planted a tender kiss on my lips. "It's ok, you shouldn't worry about him. We talked a couple of days ago and he told me some stuff. He doesn't hate you, that's for sure. He was just worried about me, and since he didn't know you that well, he took it out on you."

I crocked my head slightly. "He's cool with us?"

Kevin nodded. "Yeah, he really is. I'm sure it's gonna him by surprise the fact that we're back together, but he'll be happy. As long as I'm happy, he'll be fine."

"He's really protective of you, isn't he?" I asked at his choice of words.

"We all are. During tour, and even most of our free time, we're all we have. We're a family. I've always been the one to keep an eye on who the guys are going out with, and since this was the first time in a long time I was with someone they hadn't known for a while, AJ got a little worried."

"I see." I said softly. "If he's not gonna be mad at me..."

"He won't." Kevin interrupted me. "I promise." Leaning over me, he kissed me again.

At the rate he was going, I was gonna get drunk in his soft kissed and tender touches. "Good, I don't wanna be the cause of a strain in your friendship."

"Don't worry."

Laying down on his chest once again, I felt him shivering. "You ok?"

I felt Kevin nod against the top of my head. "Yeah, I just felt cold all of a sudden."

I pressed myself closer to him, running my fingers up and down his chin slowly. At the moment everything seemed perfect, but somehow, I remember something that had been bothering me for a little while. "Kevin?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure."

I sighed. "Have you... hmm... have you consider counseling?"

Kevin sat against the arm of the couch, forcing me to sat as well. Positioning me between his legs, I looked at him.

"What do you mean?"

I looked at my folded hands resting on top of my knee. "I mean... about... well..." Crap! I couldn't even say the word. "About what happened between you and that guy."

Kevin blinked once, twice, then just looked straight at me. Silence took over and I got scared there for a minute. This was so not of my business, I should have never asked him about it. It was his decision and I shouldn't have interfered.

It was his hand suddenly resting on mine that brought me back to reality. I looked up at him so I could figure out what he was thinking. I didn't even have time to do it, to try to understand the emerald pair he had for eyes, before he spoke.

"Thanks for worrying, really." Kevin said softly as his thumb caressed my hand tenderly. "But, I don't wanna go to a psychiatric. I'm fine, really."

"You feeling you aren't worth it isn't being fine. Maybe a therapist could help." And then I felt like slapping myself on the forehead. Kate would so have done it. This is totally the kettle calling the pot. I've been feeling the same way for as long as I can remember and I've fought with Kate about going to a specialist way too much for our sakes.

A small smile appeared on his lips as he brought his hand to caress my cheek. "Thanks, but really, I'm fine. I didn't tell you because... I really don't know why, but I should have. Now that you know, and that I know you love me, I know I'm gonna be ok."

"You sure?"

Nodding slowly, he brought his lips to mine in a tender kiss. "Yeah," Kevin said as he pulled away, his hand still on my cheek. "I know."

I nodded. I didn't know if he was actually gonna be ok, but now, at least, I knew what to look for when he started withdrawing. Besides, I had experience in this. But, as I looked at his stunning green eyes, I believe he'd be alright. I knew he could get through that. Why I knew it? I'm really not sure, but I think it was because of what his eyes told me. That he was strong enough to face whatever he had to, to be able to deal with anything. And for a moment, for just a second, I let myself believe it was me who had put that confidence there.

Laying once again on his chest, I let myself be deluded by my hopes of importance, by believing I actually matter enough to him that he could feel better just by being with me.

Sometime later I heard the old pendulum clock let us know it was already a quarter pass ten. I turned to look at him. He had this sad look on his face and I knew he had to leave. "You have to leave."

Kevin nodded. "I'm sorry. But we have an early interview tomorrow morning and as much as I'd love to stay here with you..."

I silenced him with my fingers on his lips. "It's ok. I've got classes early tomorrow morning. Besides, we've talked all we had to, right?

"Yes. But this doesn't mean we won't talk anymore. We will. You have my promise."

"Good, because I want to talk with you." With a soft sigh I stood up from my position half laying on top of him. Standing up as well, Kevin smiled at me. I remember something and asked him to wait for me a second. I half ran to the study, picked up a sheet of paper, then ran back to the living room.

"What is this?" He questioned as I handed him the paper which had been folded in four way too many times.

"It's my schedule. You said you wanted to know my classes, and here it is. But don't worry about interrupting me, I really don't mind."

Kevin smiled. "You sure you aren't gonna need it, do you have another copy?"

"That's the one that's always on my desk, I have another one on my book. But it's ok, I mean, I already know my classes."

We walked over to the door, hand in hand, as the time seemed to give a little bit of break. Neither of us cared about anything as we kissed softly at first, then we seemed to get caught up in our kiss as he explored my mouth. I must admit, I was starting to like this passionate kissing of us. Yep, I could get used to this so very easily.

As he pulled away, a sad smile was on his lips. "I'll call you." Kevin promised softly. "And this time I'm gonna keep my promise."

"You better!" I leaned over for what seemed the hundredth time that night and gave him a small peck on the lips. "I'm gonna miss you, you know."

"I know. I'm gonna miss you too. I love you Matt." Kevin stated with sad eyes.

"I love you too. And don't worry, we'll talk soon enough." I was trying to hold my emotions at bay as it seemed this parting was even more difficult than the first one.

"You bet we will." This time it was him who leaned over and kissed me deeply once again.

As I pulled away, I couldn't help but laugh. "You know what? If we keep kissing like this, you're never gonna leave." Placing my hands on his chest, I started pushing him out of the house. "Now go!" I said with a smile.

Kevin returned the smile. "Ok. I love you." Walking backwards, he started his way out of my front yard.

"I love you too."

"I'll call you."

"So will I."

"We'll talk."

"Yep, you bet."

"Did I say I love you?" Kevin asked with a lopsided grin as he tilted his head slightly.

I chuckled. "Yeah, I think you have, but I like hearing you say it. I love you." When I saw him there, standing at the end of the small road in the middle of the front yard, I knew he didn't want to leave. "You have to leave, you do know that, don't you?"

"Yep, but I'm postponing it as far as I can."

"Yeah, but you have to go and catch a plane." I looked at him and gave him a small smile. "Go, before I change my mind and I have to keep you prisoner here."

"I like that idea."

"Yeah, you would."

Kevin sighed. His green eyes capturing mine in an hypnotizing gaze. "I love you." He stated softly.

"I love you too."

Before anything else could be said or Kevin decided to heck with the tour and he'd stay with his boyfriend, Kevin turned his gaze slightly as he saw a cap down the street. Lifting his hand, he waited for the cap to pull over the side of the asphalt.

While the yellow cabby was standing by a side of my house, Kevin stood there, looking at me, not moving, not saying anything.

I knew he had to leave. It was around ten thirty and I didn't know if he'd be able to find a flight to wherever it was he was heading right now. "Take care." I said softly.

Kevin nodded slowly, his perfect spikes moving from side to side as he tilted his head slightly. "You too." He whispered and I was barely able to hear him out.

Neither of us said anything else, mostly because I knew we couldn't say anything along the lines of 'I love you' with the cabby right there. Kevin stepped into the taxi and turned around so he could look at me.

I waved goodbye as he told the driver where to and the car started pulling away from the street. I saw him waving as well, and, a couple of seconds afterwards, I couldn't see the cab anymore.

I entered the house with somewhat heavy feet but, amazingly enough, with a smile on my face. I mean, why wouldn't I be happy? Kevin had come back all the way from... well, I really have no idea what city he was in, but I'm sure it was pretty far away. He came here to tell me something really personal and private. Something, that if it had happened to me, I knew I wouldn't have been able to talk about.

I laid down on the couch and realized that, maybe for the first time in my life, I felt fine. Great would have been an exaggeration. 'Great' had never been the best word to describe my life, so I wasn't planning on lying to myself and use it at that moment, so fine was the closest to it.

Hunger seemed to hit me all of a sudden and, since I really didn't know when Kate'd be back, I stood up and made my way over to the kitchen. Opening one of the cupboards, I looked for a couple of biscuits I know were left from this morning's breakfast. Picking them up, I walked back to the couch.

I sat down and turned on the tv. There were re-runs of Friends and I sat there to watch it. By the time it ended, I had enjoyed half an hour of a good laugh. Just then my cell phone rang. Thinking maybe it was Kate wanting to know if Kevin had already left, I picked it up.

"Caldwell."

/Hey there./

Kevin? "Kevin? Is that you?" I asked, very surprised that he was calling me when he had left only half an hour ago.

/Yeah. Don't you have caller ID?/

"No."

/You should get caller ID./

"Kate's the only one who calls me to this number, why should I get caller ID?"

/Because now I'm gonna call you too. And I'm sure Nick calls you too. You should get caller ID./

I laughed, a good long laugh at his words. "Ok, I'd get caller ID."

/Good./

I could hear the smile in his voice, and I had to ask again. "Why are you calling me this soon? Where are you?"

/In the airport. I just arrived and my flight doesn't leave for another twenty minutes, so I thought I'd call you./

I melted at his words. "That's sweet."

/I know. I'm sweet like that./ I heard him chuckle. /Besides./ He continued. /I'm missing you already./

Aww.... now I sure as hell was melting in the middle of my living room. "That's just way too sweet for you, you know?"

/I get like that when I talk with you./ Kevin clutched the cell phone tighter and brought it closer to his ear. /I love you./ He whispered. Soft words that made their way from his side of the phone all the way through the phone line and onto my ear. Three words that seemed so much more powerful now than they did back when we first got together. Words that hypnotized me and made me drawn in my feelings.

A grin appeared in my lips as I heard the words in my mind once again 'I love you'. Scooting over in my couch, I muted the tv, so it wouldn't interrupt as another chapter of Friends was gonna start.

"I love you too." I answered. And I meant it. And I hoped he knew I meant it.

/I just... I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you. Even though I'm leaving, I'm thinking of you. And even if we can't talk as much as we'd like and when we do, I'm tired and sleepy or my voice seems strained because the tour is taking a troll on me, I want you - I need you - to know I'm thinking of you./

I didn't know what to say. I, for once in my life, was speechless. He was right, there would come days where I was gonna need his reassurance that he still loved me, even though he wouldn't know why, and this words. This words that had just left his mouth were gonna get me through those days.

"Thanks. I needed to know that. I'm thinking of you too. Whenever I'm in class and I should be learning the pH in the blood, I'm thinking of you. As soon as I get back home and throw my backpack on my chair in the study, I'm thinking of you. When I'm laying down on my bed, hoping the next day won't be as tiring as it was the day before, I'm thinking of you."

/I love you./ Kevin repeated and, just for a moment, I thought he sounded choked up.

"I know. I love you too."

I heard Kevin sigh and I knew he had to leave. /They are calling my flight. I have to go./

"I know."

/I'll call you tomorrow morning. I'm sure that by the time I get back to the hotel, it's gonna be around one, way too late for me to call you./

"Don't worry, you can call me."

/You have to sleep./ Kevin said with a stern voice.

I chuckled slightly. "Ok, then you're calling me tomorrow?"

/Yeah. Tomorrow morning. First thing I'll do as soon as I wake up, before you'll first class that's at.../

I heard him shuffling some papers, probably looking for my schedule. "Eight."

/Yeah, eight. I'll call you before that./

"Good, I'd like to hear your voice."

Kevin sighed again. /I really have to go now. I love you./ He said softly.

I smiled slightly. Even though it hurt to know he was leaving, our situation was a lot better than it had the last time, and that was enough for me. "I love you too."

/Take care, ok?/

"You too."

With that, I heard him hang up. I sighed. I still couldn't believe all of this had happened. That Kevin had flown back here to tell me he loved me and to get back together. It was just... something that didn't happen in my life.

But it had. And it was magical.

Laying down on the couch, my elbow propped up so I was resting the side of my face on my palm, I pressed the 'mute' button once again and sound came back to live. Watching Phoebe trying to seduce Chandler while Monica was hidden in the bathroom and Joey and Rachel where in the hallway, I smiled. Things were just great.

So I focused on the tv for the time being, waiting for Kate to arrive as soon as possible, since I was starving to death. I'd have a lot to talk about with her the minute she stepped through that door. And the best part of all this was... that they were all good news.

What do you think? I hope you liked it... and aren't mad at me anymore.

Write me and tell what were your thought during the chapter. I'd love to know. My addy is: jmfluder@hotmail.com

Take care and investigate.

M. F. Luder