This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it might not be very pure either! There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind if story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - - ENJOY!
Cast of characters:
Jack Smith -- uh -- that would be me
Billy -- Jack's closest brother, 3 yrs older.
Art -- Jack's oldest brother, 9 yrs older.
Ralph Gilmore -- a new friend - deceased
Stacy Whitworth -- a catalyst/friend
George Toliver -- old grade school buddy
George Toliver, Sr, -- (duh!)
Cynthia Toliver -- (Mrs. Duh!)
Jim -- George's cousin
From Chapter 5:
Dad we didn't do anything -- yet. And - - I agreed to -- be his boyfriend -- BEFORE he gave me the ring."
"But -- is he pressuring you to have sex?" He said. "How many guys have you been with already? How many has he?"
"None on both counts, Dad!" I really felt violated.
"He told you that?" He asked. It sounded like yelling to me, but he wasn't. He was only asking questions -- the way my dad always did before making a decision.
"Yes. And - - I believe him."
"Well! Okay. Well, just be careful. I don't quite trust someone who would buy an expensive piece of jewelry on the first date. Then he put down his crossword puzzle and turned off the TV. "So - - let's go out to Coldstone to celebrate."
My dad's something else.
When we got home, I called George's number but there was no answer. I went to bed, and wanked mechanically again. I wondered. Is Dad right? Am I no better than a whore? I started to take off the necklace, but changed my mind. I put my hand on the little gold dolphin and closed my eyes. Tears streamed down until the relief of sleep overtook me.
Chapter 6
It was George's voice. But when I turned and looked it was Ralph I saw. He stood about 25 yards away, with his arms folded. "I get what I want, Jack -- and I am going to have you! His face morphed into George's and then the voice fit. I was naked and tied up, standing. He started to walk toward me. He had a totally pleasant look on his face, but then it turned unto his cousin Jims face, scowling and threatening.
Jim walked right up to me and knelt down at my feet, his hot breath almost singing my pubes. He snarled like a werewolf before opening his mouth to show treacherous looking fangs and his mouth was dripping blood.
I felt no pain, but cried out when I saw that my genitals had been ripped off, and Jim was licking the open wound.
"Jack, JACK! Wake up, boy!"
I looked up into my dad's worried face. I was sweating. "I knew it was a dream, Dad, but it seemed so real!"
"Well, it scared us! What was it?"
"I'm not sure." I lied. "Something to do with being attacked while being tied up - - or something."
I remembered every detail!
After dad left my room, I looked at the clock. It was 4:30 in the morning. I dialed George's cell phone. I was about to hang up when a tired voice answered, "What the - - Jack?"
"Yeah. Sorry. I just had a nightmare and I called to see if you were okay. I tried earlier -- well last night -- but got the voice mail. I didn't want to leave a message."
"What was the dream about?"
"I don't think I wanna recount it now."
"You were worried about me, then?"
"Oh, not in the dream. Just couldn't get you last night, is all."
"Oh. Sorry. I turn off my phone in church. Ummm -- are you gonna be okay now?"
"Oh yeah. Now that I know -- that you are!"
"Yeah -- well -- good. Shall we try to go back to sleep?"
"Yeah - - sure. Bye Jordy."
I felt like a complete fool. I turned over and closed my eyes. It seemed like I stared at the wall for hours before my alarm went off.
I got up and took a shower. I love very hot showers. I washed my chestnut colored hair. I kept it medium length, and parted it at the side. I had absolutely no curl or wave, but I was able to crimp a bit in as I styled it.
I thought about what it must be like to be a different height. I'm 6'-1" tall, and weigh 165 pounds. I am taller than most -- I see over them, but the funny thing is, I don't see them as short, and U don't see taller guys as tall. They're just people to me. I took a deep look at myself in the mirror. People rave about my eyes. I tried to see why. I couldn't see anything outstanding about them, but of course- - I live with them, so - -
I thought about George, shorter and stockier and maybe not as classically featured as I am, but he has a rugged look that's very alluring. I also pictured his cousin Jim. Jim has a dark look about him. They don't look in the least related. Jim's skin is olive -- but it's very smooth -- like he still has his baby skin. His eyes look haunted. I wondered why he was so sad. He's also as skinny as a rail. That's the only thing that kind of grabbed my attention. I like skinny guys!
When I got to school in the morning, the first person I saw was - - Jim. "Hey Jim!" I hollered across the parking lot.
"Hey." He said, barely audible above the light parking lot traffic. He turned and started walking the other way.
Hey!" I said again. "Wait up!" I had an early morning class and I knew that no one had earlier classes, so he couldn't be in a hurry to go anywhere fast.
I ran to catch up with him. Brushing off his coldness, I tried to remain upbeat. "Did you get some rays yesterday, then?
"Yeah." He said, not volunteering anything else. I was rather bursting to tell him my latest news. I fingered the gold dolphin hanging on the antique chain around my neck. I decided that I didn't feel like "casting my pearl before the swine". It was also not easy to carry on a one sided conversation.
"What are you studying, Jim.?" I asked, trying another angle.
"Huh? Whaddaya mean?"
"What's your major? What are you going for at Cerritos?"
"I dunno. Just getting some basics out of the way." He said, sounding defeated.
"Really?" I said, trying to remain animated. "Me too! That and the fact that I can't really afford 4 years at a university."
"Sounds a little too familiar." He said, still glowering, but I could tell there was the start of spark in there.
"I have two older brothers." I said. They have told me -- that we are not all that unusual. Even at the university -- my oldest brother went to Cal Poly -- guys start with a major and end up changing it maybe several times before deciding what they want. So I don't feel bad about not knowing what I want to be when I grow up."
That finally got a smile from him. I couldn't remember seeing Jim smile before. I think he did when we first met, but then George came along and that was the end of that. Now he was smiling, as he said, "I guess you're right. Do you still feel like a little boy sometimes?"
"Sometimes?" I laughed. "All the time is more like it! I was so damned ready to get out of high school and to get on to being an adult! And now look at us. It's as if we're back in high school again!"
"You noticed that too?" He marveled.
Then he saw it.
"Oh! That's a nice pendant! Looks like my cousin has found a friend! George seems to have a thing for dolphins."
I wondered if I should tell him. I decided it might be better now than later, when he asks me why I didn't mention it sooner. "Actually, he gave it to me." I said, trying to sound not as thrilled as I felt."
"Oh. That's a nice one." He said, the implication of George giving me a gift having gone apparently unnoticed. "He gave me one a couple years ago -- when we discovered that we both were gay. I guess it was supposed to be like a bond between us -- or something."
I went out on a limb: "Um -- you didn't seem to be too bonded yesterday."
"I know. I guess I'm a little touchy about where I came from -- and where I live now."
"Lynwood?" I remembered our conversation for yesterday.
"Naw. At least dad got us out of that hole. I live in Downey now."
"Really! Me too. I mean I knew Jordy -- erm -- George still was in Downey, but -- wow! Where in Downey?"
"Well, it's very close to the San Gabriel River. You know where Rio San Gabriel Park is?"
"Yeaaaaaaah?" I said, feeling weirder by the moment.
"Our house backs up to it." He said.
"Nuh-uh!" I said.
"It does!" He said as if I were calling him a liar. "We just moved there last spring!" He sure was easily offended!
"Hey, no offense, bud. But - - I live there too, and -- our house backs up to the park too!"
He stopped walking. "Nuh-uh! Where do YOU live?"
"My house is the one that is directly behind the biggest little league backstop."
"Nu-uh! That's impossible! That's where I live! What the -- now I know you're fooling with me!"
"Nope! Wait! What street do you live on?"
"Cecelia." He said, still looking like he was offended that I was playing with his head.
"Hahaha!" I laughed. Now he really started to look offended, and I continued, "Dude! I'm on Newville! I am on the first base side of the diamond!"
"Huh?" He said, looking confused. "Ooooohhh! We're on the 3rd base side. Yeah! That baseball diamond backs up to the corner of the park!" A huge smile came to his face. Dang he's cute when he smiles. His flawless skin gets lost in the dour look I've seen the most of. His dark hair is straight like my own, and he had it spiked a little. His eyes, which I had seen as threatening before, now were -- DAMN! -- They were sexy as anything! "You're not just playing with me?" He intoned
"As much fun as that might be," I laughed, "Nope. How could I know where you lived?"
"Well -- I dunno. It damn sure isn't Lubec!" (Lubec Avenue is where George lives.)
"Oh. Well, it's where I live -- if you have driven around, you'll see that the houses -- on our street -- are identical to yours. I like it here! George's house is nice, but he backs up to -- another house. The park is great to live by! An occasional baseball in the yard is all we ever get."
"I guess you're right. Well, I better get to class." He said, and smiled for no reason but just to be pleasant -- for the first time.
"Me too. Hey -- you wanna hang out a bit -- I mean at home -- or -- er -- at the park?"
He shrugged, "Why not? See yah!"
I wanted to call George, but after last night, I felt a little sheepish calling him again. I saw Stacy later in the week, Wednesday. She immediately commented on the pendant. "Where did you get that gorgeous dolphin?!" She exclaimed. "I've seen plenty of silver ones, but not many gold -- and not that big! Is it real gold?"
"I -- er -- guess. I -- dunno really. George bought it for me."
"If George bought it for you it's real!" She affirmed. She started to say something else but it got lost because, then it hit her:
"What??!!" She rebounded. George GAVE it to you? Anything special I should know?" She giggled. I blushed. "There is! There is!" She gushed. You guys are - "
"Yeah. We're going out."
"Going out? That pendant looks more serious than just going out!"
"He -- erm -- asked me to be his boyfriend." I blushed again. It felt good, but it felt strange saying it -- to someone else.
"EEEEEK!" She screeched. "This is so - " she was shaking both of her hands in the air, laughing. "This is so huge!" She then added, "You have to know -- you're his first!"
"I know." I said, calm, but still red-faced. "He's my first too." I smiled.
"Geez! I want to tell someone! Is it a secret?"
"Well, we weren't exactly going to take out a full page ad - "
"I was afraid of that! This is too much to hold in. Does his cousin -- um -- did you meet Jim, the other night? That's George's cousin."
"No. I saw him, but we did meet at the beach and I also saw him Monday morning in the parking lot."
"Did you tell him?" Her tone settled down considerably with this subject.
"N-not exactly. He noticed the pendant. I told him Jordy -- er -- George -- gave it to me. I don't think he got it, though. He told me George gave him one too."
"He didn't show it to you?"
"Huh?" I said.
"He wears it constantly -- under his shirt. Jack -- this is not going to make him happy. He is in love with George."
"What?!!" I exclaimed.
"Yes. But he's too shy to tell him."
"He wasn't shy about cutting him down and -- well, me either -- Sunday when we met him at the beach." I said.
"Jack, Jim is pretty hurt that George hasn't returned his attention. He was probably jealous Sunday just seeing you together. But once he gets the full gist if what this means, he's gonna be crushed."
"But -- but - " I stammered, "but they're COUSINS! They can't go out!"
"Why not? Are you afraid they might have a baby that's an idiot?"
"Huh?" I thought about what she said. "Oh." I thought some more. "OOHHH!" I said, as it dawned on me -- it really wouldn't matter! "Oh, geez! Now what? Did you know that I could throw a ball into Jim's back yard from my own?"
"You live that close?" She said. "Well, I know it's going to be a shocker for Jim. It SHOULDN'T be. But it will be. Do you want me to tell him?"
"Um - - well -- no." I said thoughtfully. "I think maybe I should be the one to tell him. I dunno quite why -- or how -- right now -- but -- I just feel it."
"Omigod1 You mean I can't tell anyone?"
"Well, maybe not until I get time to tell Jim."
Luckily Jim parks in the same place every day. I put a note on his car:
"Jim -- call me -- Jack"
Later on that afternoon, I got a call on my cell phone. "Hi." I said.
"Hi. This is Jim. What's up?"
I tried to ascertain his mood -- his tone of voice -- but -- nothing. "Erm -- I was just -- um -- do you want to meet me in the park after dinner tonight?"
"Maybe. What's up?"
"Well, we talked about seeing each other. I just thought it would be a good time tonight." I said, skirting the huge subject that was on my mind -- and -- maybe his.
"Okay. 7:30 all right?" He said.
"Good." I said.
Within minutes my phone rang again. Maybe he has second thoughts! "Hey!" I said, trying my best to still sound upbeat, "Didn't expect to hear from you so soon again!"
"What? I haven't talked to you since Monday early morning. I'm pretty sure that wasn't a dream!"
"Jordy!" I exploded. "Oh, man, I've been so busy! But I'm glad you called! I have missed you!"
"Yeah, me too. Can I come over tonight? I've been buried too, but I'd love to see you. How about 7:30-ish in that park behind your house?"
"NO!" I said way too quickly. "I mean -- um -- I can't tonight."
"Awww! I can't really get any more time before Saturday -- well, okay. It's fine. We'll plan to see you -- um -- Jackeeee!" He whined, "Can't you get out of whatever else you're doing tonight?"
"Believe me I wish I could, but it's something I need to do. I don't even really want to but -- well, it's one of those things -- you know?"
"Well - - okay. Saturday will have to do." I could hear the pout in his voice. "Damn! I finally HAVE a boyfriend, and we even go to the same school, and - - I can only see him once a week!"
"I know!" I said. "It sucks! But we'll try to make better use of our time next week." Um -- what did you want to do Saturday?"
"Well, I really haven't had time to think about it, but -- I'm sure it will involve staying over at my house again Saturday night. Is that okay with you?"
I waited too long to answer. Finally I said, "Yeah -- sure!"
"I'm underwhelmed, Jack. What's wrong?"
"Nothing, George, it's just -- (shit!) Jordy, I have to meet Jim tonight. I just can't blow him off."
"First, who is this Jim and second, you better not be blowing any other guy off!" He laughed.
"Okay, very funny! No, I'm talking about your cousin -- Jimmy."
"No shit? What the hell are you meeting him for?" His manner changed so drastically it was almost scary.
"I met him in the parking lot this morning before class. Why didn't you tell me that he lives so close to me?"
"It didn't cross my mind. Why are you meeting my cousin?"
"Just to hang out."
"Mm-hm, and hanging out with him is more important than meeting me, huh? Well, you have my express permission to blow HIM off! He won't even care!"
"I -- well, no! He's not more important than you! Not at all. But -- my word is worth something -- to me, even if it isn't to him."
"You're gonna have to make it up to me - " He taunted.
"So -- you can't come later -- tonight after -- he leaves?" I asked.
"Mmmmm -- I dunno -- that sounds too much like I get left-overs."
"What I do with him will have nothing to do with anything you will be getting!" I teased.
"Do? You're gonna DO something with him?"
"C'mon Jordy! We're just meeting to talk.
"You talk his ears off, Jackamo. I'll see you Saturday!" I couldn't tell if he was upset or not.
"George -- I'll call him and cancel if you tell me -- but I don't really want to."
"I don't want you to be doing something you don't want to."
"You're really good with the guilt trip thing, aren't you? I just said I'd cancel. Is that what you want?"
"You keep your ol' word, Jacky boy. I can find someone else to talk to tonight."
"Okay. Maybe you can talk to Stacy. She can hardly contain herself after she found out about you and me."
"What? You Told HER?"
"Well she kind of figured it out when she saw the pendant. Is that bad?" I said, now getting a little more worried.
"Jack, I -- um -- no! Just don't worry about it. I WILL call her. And ... I'll see YOU Saturday."
He hung up without even saying good bye. I assume he was upset. I know I was. I had a lab to attend before going home. I truly don't remember doing anything in it!
After dinner I opened the old rusty gate my dad, years earlier put in the fence from our house to the park. I walked to the clubhouse where we planned to meet. It was getting dark. Seeing no one, I sat on the park bench that was outside the now dark clubhouse. It was a warm evening, but I felt a chill come over me.
"So, you're going with George, huh?" Came a familiar voice.
"Where are you, Jim?"
"I'm back here." I looked behind me and saw a shadow approaching.
"I wanted to break it to you myself. Who told you?" I asked. He didn't answer. "Jim, I'm sorry. I had no idea - "
"Idea about what?" He cut me short.
"That you and -- I mean -- that you -- you -- might object -- um to me getting together with your cousin."
"I don't object - - well, except I was starting to like you. I wouldn't want to see you get hurt."
"And do you have an explanation for what you call getting hurt?"
"I just think that he will hurt you."
"Well, I rather -- expect one of us will. From what I have seen, someone always gets hurt in a breakup. And -- Jordy and I are only 18 -- hardly old enough to be together forever. I have resigned myself to it. Either I will get hurt or I will feel awful because I hurt someone. Maybe several times -- until I meet someone I want to stay with."
"Mr. Right? That may never happen." His voice broke.
"Okay, it's apparent that there is some tension between you and George. I just don't know why it has to concern me."
"It doesn't -- in the least." He said. I then felt a knife at my neck. I fell back from him.
"Sorry, I need to trim my nails." He said. He didn't have a knife.
"So -- what do you want to do -- now that we are here?" I said, still spooked.
"Hey, this is your party. Why'd you invite me?"
"I just felt that we got off to a shaky start the other day -- and maybe even this morning. I like you and think we could be friends -- especially since we live so close. I wanted to explain about George and me. You both seem to be edgy around each other. I want to be friends with both of you."
"Why?"
"Boy one thing you two have in common: you sure know how to put me on the defensive."
"Yeah, we're both a pain in the ass that way aren't we. Why do you want to be friends with both of us?" He pressed.
"I like both of you." I said.
"But not exactly the same, huh?"
"I know George better."
"And -- you love him." That caught me off guard. I was speechless. "Cause if I thought you didn't love him, I don't know what I'd do."
"Jim, I -- I have known George for many years, but hardly know him. We are boyfriends is all -- for now."
"So -- you two aren't in love?"
"I don't think I even know what that means. I love him, yes -- like I love my brother -- or even you. I - "
"Oh, I don't think you love me!"
"Jim, you're acting scary. Do you want to be friends -- or not."
"You never told me why you want to be friends."
"Does there have to be a reason?" I asked.
"There always is -- if you think about it."
He really was beginning to worry me. I had no idea what he was capable of. "Okay, um
- "
"Don't think about it. Just say it!"
"Well, on the surface there is the fact that we are both gay -- and need friends. And also there is the fact that you are cute."
That was calculated to catch him off guard. It worked. "Cute? Me? Hah!"
"You are! And sexy."
"Now I KNOW your full-a-shit! I'm skinny and light as a feather!"
"Nope! I am turned on by skinny guys."
"George isn't skinny -- quite the opposite."
"I know. He turns me on in other ways."
"Me too."
"Yeah, I noticed how he knows how to push your buttons."
"That too. But -- and here's why I could never be friends with you -- I love him. I've never told anyone else that. But he will never see me as an equal."
I of course had already been told that, but - You could have knocked me over with a feather. I didn't expect it to come from him!
"Why -- why -- do you think that is?" I said.
"He's spoiled. He's spoiled and -- and -- I've got nothing."
"Nothing?"
"That's how he sees me! I'm his poor cousin -- that's all. Look where he lives. Look where I live!"
"I think you're wrong." I said.
"Huh?"
"I live in the same neighborhood as you. He doesn't look down his nose at me."
"But you've seen how he treats me!"
"Yes, I have -- and I've seen how you treat him! He is so jealous of you -- with all your brothers! If your parents didn't have so many kids, maybe they could afford to live in George's neighborhood."
That stopped him cold. "Hell," I continued, "If my parents had only me -- THEY could afford to live there! But I'm so glad they decided to have more than one. Well, for one thing, I'm number three, but even still. I know that George is jealous of my brothers. He always has been. He told me so. And - - by the way -- he as much as told you the same the other day. He LOVED coming to visit you!"
"I dunno about that - "
"But you always felt intimidated by his parents' wealth. Let me tell you, your parents have so much more wealth than they! And his parents, just at the time when he is about to leave their house forever -- they go out of town nearly every weekend -- golfing in Palm Springs or something.
Yeah, some way to spend your wealth! I think OUR parents got it right!"
"What can I do -- to get him to treat me better?"
"Oh, now, that's an easy one. Treat HIM better. Treat him as equal, and not as something better. He's not -- no one is! But mostly treat his as though you at least like him. You say you love him, and yet you treat his as the enemy."
"Oh."
"Listen, walk back through the park with me." I said. "I really need to get home. And -- do think about what we talked about."
"Oh don't worry about that! You've given me more than enough to think about!"
"Good." We walked back to my gate, which was closer than his house. I hugged him. He looked surprised. Truthfully, so was I. I'm getting bold in my old 18 years! He was tense at first but after a moment, gave a shuddering sigh and melted into my body.
"Thanks." He said. "I've never held a guy like that before! That was awesome! Well, see yah!" I watched as he ran to his yard, easily hopped the 5 foot high ivy covered fence, and disappeared.
I went into the house and pondered what might come of that little meeting -- and what Saturday might bring.
Notes: What WILL Saturday bring? For once -- I DO have a clue, but - - I ain't tellin'! (Besides - - even my own plans get waylaid over and over!) Comments are always welcome -- to Steve at stevethomas535@hotmail.com. Please put "Jack" on the subject line. Thanks and - - - Love, Steve