This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it might not be very pure either! There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind if story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - - ENJOY!
Cast of characters:
Jack Smith -- uh -- that would be me
Billy -- Jack's closest brother, 3 yrs older.
Art -- Jack's oldest brother, 9 yrs older.
Ralph Gilmore -- a new friend - deceased
Stacy Whitworth -- a catalyst/friend
George Toliver -- old grade school buddy
George Toliver, Sr, -- (duh!)
Cynthia Toliver -- (Mrs. Duh!)
From Chapter 4:
"I never knew you hated that so much, Jimmy. We got to hang out -- even sleep -- with the sheep."
"They weren't sheep, Dip" said Jimmy, "Grandpa called them sheep. But they were goats. And they stunk!"
"Wow. Well, I know they smelled pretty ripe, but it was only for a weekend when we came."
"Yeah, it was a weekend for me, whoever came!"
"Well, anyway, you moved -- to Lynwood."
"Yeah -- some move! Well, it was better than Austin - - OR Fallon."
"I was very excited when you moved, Jimmy. I loved it when we stayed together -- in that tent in my back yard, See -- it wasn't only in Austin. We did that at my house too!"
"We did it at your house because we CHOSE to."
That's right -- we did. Wasn't that fun?"
"I guess." Jim finally gave up some ground.
"Probably not as much fun as you and your friend Marty had in your tent, huh, Jack?" Said George.
Chapter 5
He left the statement hanging there. Jim looked from face to face for an explanation. I frowned at George.
"See? He always has some secret he won't let me in on!" Jim said to me.
PLEASE DON'T LET HIM IN ON THIS ONE! I said silently.
"It was just his neighbor. They practically lived in Marty's back yard during the summer, huh, Jack?"
"Yeah, it was fun." I said, "We shared everything! We even got sick together! We were that close." I remarked.
Please let it go at that! For some reason, I did not want Jim to know the intimate details of my childhood.
And - - something else nagged at me. It seemed like George liked the power he had over Jim. Like he relished that Jim was not happy. As I saw it, Jim CHOSE not to be happy, but George seems to know how to press his buttons.
"Jimmy, tell me," said George, "have you ever seen another guy as gorgeous as this hunk here?"
Jim didn't even look at me and was quick to say, "Um -- Matthew McConaughey, Freddie Prinz Jr., Josh Groban - "
"Jacky, tell me -- have you ever seen another guy who's as much of a dickhead as this little prick?" George said.
Momentarily I felt sorry for Jim, and was going to come to his defense until I saw the look on his face. I expected to see some hurt. What I saw was a look of smugness -- as if he finally got to his cousin - - and hate. And when he finally looked my way, there was no softening at all. It gave me a cold chill. I felt trapped.
"Let's run down to the other pier, Jacky. Great to see you, Jimmy. Tell your folks hi!" And George took off toward the Seal Beach Pier. I stood there for one short uncomfortable moment. "See you around, Jim." I said, and ran after George. I didn't really feel much like running, but it was better than staying there.
George led me directly to his car. I'm sure Jim saw us stop and get in it, but I was relieved -- for the moment.
We drove in silence for 15 minutes. I didn't know George well enough for that kind of silence. "Well," I finally said, "Jim sure doesn't seem like a very happy boy."
"I don't know what to say to him. He always finds a way to bring the party down. He's a real energy suck!"
"Well, I got the impression he doesn't often get to you quite that much."
"You're right about that! Jacky, I was raised an only child. I was spoiled, as my dad said. I can't help feeling superior sometimes -- and he brings that out more than I like!"
I reached over and touched his neck, just below the back of his head. He flinched and I jerked my hand back back.
"Oh no! Please don't stop. It's just what I need. It just surprised me. Ohhhh! That feels so good! You have no idea how much I needed you to -- omigod you have great hands -- well a great hand anyway. You could teach me a thing or two! And I want you to, so I can do the same for you."
"George -- um -- I don't wanna bring you down or anything, but - " I paused -- not for any effect, but rather to gather my thoughts -- "Jordy, I was not lying when I said you were my first love back in 4th grade. And even now, you're still my first. I have not ever had -- um -- well - " (I didn't want to bring up the BF words!) "anyway, you're still my first!"
"I hear a `but' in there somewhere - " He said, concerned.
"I just don't want to go too fast -- that's all."
"What's too fast?"
"Dammit George, I dunno. I know you're anxious to "catch up" with me, but -- really, what was done when I was a teeny-bopper doesn't even compare to what you and I have done already. It never ever ended in orgasm -- except for the circle jerk and the time Gomer and I wanked each other -- and that was just to see if -- heh -- it could be done."
"Our's didn't end in orgasm - "
I was talking too fast, I knew even at the time. I forced myself to slow down. I massaged his neck for deeply and slowly as well. "I guess what I'm telling you is what we have done in the last 24 hours is the most erotic and best thing that's ever happened to me."
George smiled. "I guess I understand. But I'm still impatient!"
"Me too, Jordy -- me too!" It was then that I noticed that we weren't driving in the direction of home.
"Where are we going?" I asked.
"Well, I'm not ready to go home. I had to get away from my cousin and -- I promised you lunch. Well, at least I told your mom it was covered! Haha! So let's go have lunch."
"Where?" I said.
"You like Balboa?"
"Duh!"
We went to Balboa and it wasn't too hard to find a parking place -- like normal -- I guess because it was late in the season. We ate at a deli there -- George's treat, and then drove across to Corona Del Mar. Like Bolsa Chica, it was more crowded than I expected -- everyone figuring this to be a last chance to go to the beach before fall set in, I guess. Unfortunately it was a not quite hot enough to go to the caves. That's would have been nice.
He didn't suggest running again. We laid out and got some more sun and also played in the mild surf.
"Have you ever surfed? I mean with a board?" He asked me.
"Only once. It was surfing up the inlet that's between Seal Beach and Long Beach that goes to the marina. The waves were small but rolled on for a long way."
"Oh yeah! That's a cool place to learn."
"So -- did you surf much? Were you a skater, too? And - Um -- ARE you?""
"Well, of course I did pretty much as I pleased -- but I didn't -- you know -- hang with the surfers and skaters, no. I knew than and all -- they were cool enough. I was pretty much a loner though."
"Yeah. I guess we both know why. (sigh)"
"Did you like having brothers, Jack?"
"Oh, I dunno. I never didn't have any, being the youngest, but -- I suppose being the only one would have advantages."
"I always felt cheated. Even in 4th grade, I used to see you and your brother -- Billy was it?"
"Yeah."
"I was jealous of both you and Billy!"
"Huh?"
"Well, it was obvious that you preferred being with Billy when he was around - "
"Oh Gosh! I didn't mean it that way -- You were -- well I loved you!"
"I know. But I felt left out -- maybe kind of like my cousin feels left out. And he has brothers! But I was jealous of Billy because of you and I was extremely jealous because you had a brother and I didn't."
"Do you think you want children some day?"
"You know, that's an interesting question. Sometimes I do, but probably not. I've been too spoiled -- too selfish -- or something -- to share that much of me with a child. You?"
"Oh Gosh yes! That's the worst thing about being gay. I may never have any children."
"You can, you know."
"I know -- but statistics don't lie. Most gays don't have kids. Some do, and I suppose it works as well as many -- um -- who aren't gay. Maybe later I will think more seriously about that."
George looked at me -- sort of -- but more he had a faraway look -- a sad faraway look. Then he said, "Jacky, I really wanna be your first."
"I thought that was already established." I said.
"No, I mean, we're only eighteen years old. You know what the chances of 18-year-olds being forever lovers?"
"Heh! I see what you mean"
"I don't think you do, Jacky." He said, gaining in intensity. "We both probably will have several boyfriends before we think of settling down. Dammit all, I want you to be my first! I think we can go into this with an open, logical mind."
"So - - what your saying is -- you know we will never be forever lovers, but - " I started.
"I didn't say that -- exactly -- but -- well, yeah, sort of. We hardly know each other. I wanna be your boyfriend -- your FIRST boyfriend -- until we -- or one of us -- decides we have to move on."
"So -- are you asking me to be your boyfriend?" I said.
"Duh!" He said, shifting himself in the sand, and looking into my eyes. Those steely blue eyes pierced my soul!
I looked away. I heard his audible sigh. I looked the opposite direction, toward the breakwater and said, "Okay." I thought about it a moment and grinning, looked back into his eyes. They now looked more grey than blue and they were filled with tears.
"Damn, you have a way to keep me off kilter!" He said, now smiling through his tears and bringing a richer blue to his eyes than I could ever remember seeing.
He got up and ran to the water's edge. "C'mon, pussy boy! See if you can stand the water!" He hollered. Several other people laughed. I got up and ran to him, as he was putting his toes in the water, testing its temperature. I tackled him and we rolled around in the sandy surf, getting sand everywhere. I got back up and ran deeper and he chased me. He then tackled me this time but the water was deeper and so the sand wasn't a problem.
Not too many were in the water, so he removed his swim suit. He then commenced to wash it out. "You better do the same. I don't want your sandy ass sitting on my leather seat! Water won't hurt it, but sand will!
I did as I was told. As I was rinsing the sand out of them, he gently helped himself to making sure that there was no sand in my butt crack. I froze. He ran his hand between my legs. I opened them so he could easily swipe away the sand from there too. His other hand somehow made its way to my chest.
He was in back of me, so his chin rested in the place my neck met my shoulder. He ran the upper hand all around my nearly hairless chest, and then ran it down to where the other hand was still gently swishing my package to get all the sand out. I then felt his wet lips on my neck. A thrill went from there through my whole body.
We were facing the ocean. I turned in his arms and only then was reminded there was a beach full of people close by. Only a few seemed to be watching us, and besides, I decided I didn't care! I kissed him full on the mouth, and then proceeded to mimic what he had done for me. When I felt all the sand was gone, I proceeded to massage his neck and shoulders.
"Omigod!" he said. "I'm suddenly having second thoughts about this!" I stopped massaging!
"Huh?" I said, plainly hurt by his last remark.
"What? Ohhh nooooooo! Not like that, Jacky. I mean -- I am really thinking more seriously about a more permanent relationship with you!"
"Oh! Wow! You had me scared."
"I think we are free enough of sand now, Jacky. Let's start back."
We put our suits back on and ignored the looks of some of the other sun bathers as we left the water. He drove back to Balboa and parked. "Where are we going now, Jordy?"
"Oh -- um -- just -- um -- DESSERT! Yeah that's it! I want some dessert!"
"Uh --huh!" I retorted.
He knew exactly where to go.
"How did you know I love frozen bananas?" I said.
"Just a gay hunch! Hahaha!" He said, and we walked back toward the car. "Oh! What's that?" He said, as we passed a specialty and antique shop. He went in. I followed. He pointed to something in one of the display cases. "Please let me see that one." He said to the girl behind the counter.
She reached in and picked up what looked like an antique gold chain with a shiny gold dolphin on it. Well, I assumed he just bought about anything he wanted. He was wearing a chain at the time. He put it up to his neck and looked in the small mirror there.
"Nnno- not -- um - " then he put it up to my neck. "Ahhh! Perfect. This has to be for you!"
"You don't need to - " I protested.
"No -- I love this chain -- I have to have it -- but it doesn't look good on me. Let it be a token of our friendship!"
"Jordy, I can't - "
"And you don't have to! Just say thanks!"
I looked deeply into his eyes. "Thanks!" I said.
"I'll take it!" he told the girl. How much -- oh! Jacky -- go outside. I don't know how much it is, but I'd rather you didn't know. Hell, I may wish I didn't know!"
"Jordy!"
"Out!"
I walked outside -- and he gave her a credit card. When it was signed for, he motioned me back in. He unclasped it, and re-clasped it on my neck. I looked nervously from him to the girl.
"You can kiss him. Believe me -- I would!" She said, which told me that it probably cost a lot! I nervously looked outside. Seeing no one there, I did kiss him -- deeply. Both of our eyes were closed when we heard the girl say, "YESSS!"
We all laughed. George produced a $50 dollar bill from his pocket and tossed it to the girl, and noting her name tag, "Here, Lauren, buy your boyfriend a nice dinner!" He laughed as we were walking out.
"What makes you so sure my friend is a boy?" She hollered after us, playfully
When George pulled in front of my house, I was asleep. He quietly turned off the car. It was still broad daylight. He touched my arm. "Huh?!" I startled awake.
"You're home, Jacky Boy." He said. "I kept looking at you sleeping there, and thinking how delicious you looked this morning as I got up. You were lying curled up in your tighty-whities, hugging the pillow. I wanted so much to molest you, but you looked too peaceful."
I was still pretty sleepy. "Oh." I said in my tired, high pitched voice. "Wanna come in and molest me now?" I even surprised myself by that remark.
"Ahem!" He smiled and cleared his throat, and adjusted something further south. "That's very tempting, Jack. But -- I should get home. Do you ever go to church?"
"Not very often. Never feel that I need to find Jesus in church. Seems to me we'd be more likely to find him down at the beach."
"Yeah. I kinda hope he wasn't there today though!" And he winked at me. "I'll be going to an evening service with Mom and Dad. Wanna come?"
"Oooo! Can I take a rain check?" I said, not wanting to go at all, really. "What church is it?"
"Downey First Baptist."
"Oke - - Kay!"
"What?" He said.
"Look, I'm a Mormon, and I know what my church thinks of this gay stuff -- aren't Baptists just as bad?"
"Hey! I gotta go, but we'll have to talk about this another time. Bye - - boyfriend!" He said and he drove off in to the sunset.
I quickly forgot about the church talk as I felt the chain around my neck. I smiled. I'm glad I don't know how much he paid for it!
"Hi, Jacky!" my mom said. Did you boys have a good time? Oh. That's a nice looking necklace! It looks so real! Did you get that at the beach?"
"Yeah. And it is real."
"Yes, I can see that -- a real necklace."
"No, I mean it's real gold -- and so is the Dolphin."
"Oh! When did you get a fairy godmother?" She teased.
"I don't. George bought it for me."
Silence, then, "Does that mean you're going steady?"
"Something like that." I said, and went into my bedroom. I'm gonna take a nap, Mom."
I closed my door. All of a sudden I felt exhausted. I took off my shirt but left my swim suit on. I collapsed on my bed and buried my face in my pillow and couldn't for the life of me figure why I was crying my eyes out.
I woke sometime later. It was dark out. I looked at my clock. 8:30. I slept 3 ½ hours. I looked over and made sure my door was locked and very quickly wanked myself to completion. It was passionless. Just an act -- no more. I cried again. I got up, and wandered out to the living room.
"Hello, Son." Dad said. I could tell by his tone of voice that Mom had told him something. Just how much, I didn't know.
"Hi. What's on?" They were watching TV.
"Funniest Home Videos. So -- your mom tells me you have some news - - for me."
"It can wait. It's not exactly news every father wants to hear."
"And you thought that we never guessed at it before?" He said.
"Dad -- I'd rather - "
"I need to know a couple things, Jack. I know you have known George a long time, and I also know that back before we moved here, you two were almost inseparable. What I am wondering about is -- you mom tells me you -- well, are kind of going steady. Why aren't you happy?"
"I dunno, Dad. I can't figure it out."
"Do you think you were ready for this -- step -- this going steady thing?"
"I g-guess."
"Really? Because I was thinking maybe you aren't. Have you ever dated a guy before? I know you've dated lots of girls, but - "
"Dad! What the hell?" I exploded. "Why are you taking this so lightly -- so easily?"
"Because we saw it coming. But I'm NOT taking this going steady thing lightly. You didn't feel ready for it - - did you?"
"No." I said to the rug.
"Jack, you have to give it back. Otherwise you are not much different than a prostitute. Didn't you agree to this thing because you felt pressured by this expensive necklace."
"No! Yes -- I dunno!"
"Well, think about it, Jack. And when you figure it out -- give the necklace back. George Toliver is used to getting his way. Is that what happened? Did he have his way - - with you?"
"No! Dad we didn't do anything -- yet. And - - I agreed to -- be his boyfriend -- BEFORE he gave me the ring."
"But -- is he pressuring you to have sex?" He said. "How many guys have you been with already? How many has he?"
"None on both counts, Dad!" I really felt violated.
"He told you that?" He asked. It sounded like yelling to me, but he wasn't. He was only asking questions -- the way my dad always did before making a decision.
"Yes. And - - I believe him."
"Well! Okay. Well, just be careful. I don't quite trust someone who would buy an expensive piece of jewelry on the first date. Then he put down his crossword puzzle and turned off the TV. "So - - let's go out to Coldstone to celebrate."
My dad's something else.
When we got home, I called George's number but there was no answer. I went to bed, and wanked mechanically again. I wondered. Is Dad right? Am I no better than a whore? I started to take off the necklace, but changed my mind. I put my hand on the little gold dolphin and closed my eyes. Tears streamed down until the relief of sleep overtook me.
Notes: I have no idea where this is headed. Comments are always welcome -- to Steve at stevethomas535@hotmail.com. Thanks and - -
Love, Steve