This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it might not be very pure either! There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind if story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - - ENJOY!
Cast of characters:
Jack Smith -- uh -- that would be me
Billy -- Jack's closest brother, 3 yrs older.
Will Smith -- My dad
Vivian Smith My mom
Art -- Jack's oldest brother, 9 yrs older.
Ralph Gilmore -- a new friend - deceased
Stacy Whitworth -- a catalyst/friend
George Toliver -- old grade school buddy
George Toliver, Sr, -- (duh!)
Cynthia Toliver -- (Mrs. Duh!)
Jim Walls-- George's cousin
Uncle Jake Smith-- Will's Brother
Aunt Lindy -- Uncle Jake's wife
Seth Gary -- One of Jake and Lindy's other nephews
Etta -- The Jacob Smith's housekeeper.
Jake Smith Jr. Jack's cousin
Colin -- Jake's partner
Carrie Smith -- Another of the Smith cousins
Al -- Carrie's Partner
Chris Gary -- Seth's older brother.
Craig -- Chris's partner
Mario -- Old high school friend
Terrence Moynahan -- Carmel Architect
Casey Bell -- Terrence's attorney
Ryan Crayson-- my husband
Ryan Jr. (Rye) -- Our son
Ranee -- Our daughter.
Harold -- the butler
From Chapter 27:
"I'll be down at Venice Beach on Saturday." He reminded me.
"Oh -- Venice, huh?"
"Yes. You don't have to come if you - "
"I wouldn't miss it for anything!" I averred. "I'll have fun with the kids -- on the beach."
"Well -- um -- that's one reason I chose Venice beach. I checked the web, and there won't be huge waves anywhere this weekend -- so I'm gonna teach the kids how to surf."
"Really? How great! Maybe I will change my mind, after all!"
"And - - spend some more time with Jim?"
"Huh?" I said.
"You said you might change your mind about going -- didn't you?"
"I was going to go as an observer, Sweetheart. But -- if the kids are gonna surf -- and if the surf's not that wild -- maybe this will be a good time to learn to surf!"
"You want to surf with me?!!" Ryan asked, clearly excited for the first time in a long time.
Chapter 28
"Dad?"
"Yes, Son?"
"Okay, I get that this guy -- Jim is it? Is an old friend. Is he -- er -- I mean was he -- an old -- um -- lover?"
We were walking to the drug store down the block from the Normandy Inn. Ranee was with her dad. He hadn't yet figured out that he had not had a moment to himself. Jim had called and invited us for Friday night. He didn't know if Willy Wanker would be there. Both kids were interested -- but not overly impressed. The first thing that Rye said was, "He's gay!" in a rather harsh way.
I was surprised by his tone and I guess my face registered this as I turned quickly and glared at him. "Why does he try to hide it? That's stupid. Does he think that anyone cares of he's gay?"
That was just an hour ago, before I asked him to go for a walk to the drug store with me.
"Rye -- Son -- Jim was never exactly a lover -- no."
"But -- you had sex with him -- right?"
He asked hard, direct questions, and I was not one to tell my kids they should not ask questions just because it made me uncomfortable.
But -- I was very uncomfortable.
"I guess that depends on what you call sex. We didn't go all the way."
"That would be kinda hard, Dad. He doesn't have a vagina!" He said sarcastically. "Or does he?"
I gave him "the look". No, not the shut up and don't bother me look. It was the "Here's Your Sign" look.
"Oh! I guess he has an anus, huh?" He said, smirking.
"You're having too much fun with this!" I laughed.
"So bottom line is you never found his bottom line huh?" He was giggling now!
"Well, you see -- He really liked George, back then. And I -- liked Jim, and -- uh -- George liked me!"
"I had two girls that liked me once."
"I'm almost afraid to tell you this, Rye, but you have a lot more than that who like you!"
He turned red and continued, "Anyway, I made out with both of them -- at once!" He gave me a very proud grin. "but -- I guess -- you three guys didn't do that -- right?"
"N -- not exactly." I said "We did all sleep together a time or two. And in doing that, we ended up all spooning together."
"Spooning - what?"
"Spooning is when two -- or more -- lie on their sides and fit themselves together like spoons in a drawer."
"OOohhhhh! THAT's what spooning is! "I was picturing something to do with using a spoon as a tool to -- I dunno what?!!"
"Glad we got that cleared up." I said. "But no, we never had a threesome -- like you did."
"Oh I don't think that wouldn't be called a threesome! All we did was kis and stuff. I know of some guy that did that. He had sex with two girls at once!"
"Does it ever bother you that you have never had sex with a girl?"
"I'm only eighteen, Dad. What's the hurry?"
Oh! No hurry!" I exclaimed.
"Dad? How can a guy have sex with two girls at once anyway? He only has one dick!"
"That's true, but -- haha! I can't answer that, Rye. Never done it."
"That's the problem of having a dad who's gay! You can't tell me how to -- do anything -- with a girl!"
"Lucky for you, your pop HAS! And CAN!"
"Mm. Yeah." He said, not too excited about that.
"Rye, for whatever reason, I grew up knowing how to talk to kids. Probably because my parents did. Maybe some of my professional training has helped me. And for whatever reason your pop struggles with that.
"Right now your pop needs all the reassurance we can give him - that he is needed and loved. So I think that you can put yourself out a little -- even if it makes you uncomfortable -- even if it makes HIM uncomfortable -- to talk to him."
"Kay." He said, pretty humbled.
"I don't want to lose him, Rye." I said.
We walked on for another 5 minutes, silent. I broke the silence. "Um - I have had threesomes."
Rye stopped walking. "Three guys?"
"Yeah."
"Um -- excuse me, but -- EW!"
"We didn't do any anal -- or -- at least I didn't."
"How -- um -- h-how did that work?"
"I'm not sure you want to know!" I said, wondering if it was a mistake to bring it up again.
"I'm curious. I know what I did with Buddy. I liked it. But I closed my eyes and pretended he was a girl -- most of the time."
"Most of the time?"
"Well -- yeah. I didn't have to pretend it was a guy. And -- it feels the same anyway."
"I g-guess." I said. "Well, you can use your imagination about what we did as a threesome. Just know that I have never been anal with anyone but your pop. I actually had several guys that broke off with me because of it."
"And -- why did you do it - with Pop?"
"Because I love him. And even then, we didn't do it right away. Not even on our wedding night. It's just something that we took our time with."
"I don't think I'll do that -- when I marry a girl! I mean wait. I want to do it as soon as we're married."
"You'll be unusual if you wait that long. But -- what if you do wait and when that night comes -- what if she isn't ready?"
"Huh?"
"What if she's -- afraid -- or just -- wants to take her time getting to know your body -- and get used to you touching her? What will you do?"
"Does that happen?" He exclaimed
"Probably not very often. But think how much she would love you if you showed that much sensitivity to her -- to make sure she's ready."
"Well, obviously you and Pop weren't ready!"
"Yeah, well, it's probably different with a girl, I guess."
"How is it different with a girl?"
"Heh! You'll have to ask your pop that one! But -- few guys are too big for a woman. I mean the size of their anatomy."
"But with a guy it's different?"
"Well, yeah -- I guess. The anus is much tighter. And the initial reaction when something goes up your bum is to clamp down. If it's forced it hurts, and even if it's received willingly, it takes a lot of `mind over matter' to relax completely -- which is what makes it best -- well -- at least for your pop and me."
"Oh. Um - Dad?"
"Yeah?"
"What about the poop?"
"You mean the smell?"
"The smell -- the mess -- does that ever bother you?"
"It used to. But we learned ways to get around it -- and -- when you love someone, you find you can do a lot of things you wouldn't do otherwise."
We were almost back at the Inn when I asked another question. "Rye -- so -- does Buddy seem to like -- what you do -- as much as you do?"
"I think he likes it more. He's the one who always initiates it."
"Did you ever kiss him?"
"I already told you that. No."
"Did you ever try?"
"" I guess Rye was getting tired of this line of chatter. "Actually, he tried a couple times. I don't want to."
"That must hurt his feelings." I said.
"I know it does -- but I just can't do that."
We came back into our room. "Did you have a good `man talk'?" asked Ranee.
"Shut up!" Said Rye.
"So -- you DID have a good man talk." she laughed.
"You see, Dad? THAT's the only problem I have with dating girls!"
"Which you never have!" Said Ranee.
"Shut up, Rae-rae! See, Dad, I'm scared I'll end up with someone like her!"
"You WISH!" she said. "In your dreams!"
"Eww!" Said Rye. "I mean -- EEWW!"
"Come on you two. Cut the crap talk!" Said Ryan. "When are we going to your friend's house, Jack?"
"I dunno yet. He's supposed to call and - "
"Oh! Is his name Jim"? Said Ranee.
"Yes."
"He called while Daddy was napping -- and you and Rye were walking. He said for you to call."
"You might have remembered that sooner if you weren't trying so hard to put me down!" Taunted Rye.
"Enough!" Yelled Ryan. "Just STOP!"
This kind of sibling bickering always drives Ryan crazy. But he is more touchy than usual this day. I guess since I grew up the youngest of three boys, it just sounds normal to me. I keyed in Jim's number.
"Jack!" He said. He sounded so much better than he did yesterday! "He's coming! Oh! It's Friday night! And -- you and -- is it Ryan? -- and his kids will all be there -- right?"
"Yes." I said. "Just George?" I said, hoping that Ryan wouldn't wonder who else might be there. I glanced over and he wasn't even listening.
"I -- dunno yet. "We'll play it by ear. I -- couldn't exactly ask JUST George -- could I?"
"Nope! Okay, and -- 6:30 okay?"
"That'd be great! That way I can get to know your family before George comes."
"Okay! See you then!"
"Oh -- and -- is there a time when you can come -- just yourself -- for a visit again? Maybe before Friday?"
"I'll see what I can work out."
"I'll be here whenever. I don't go out much. If you just want to drop by -- if I'm not in the house, I'll be on the beach."
"Okay. See you later, Jimmy."
"Bye!"
I turned to Ryan. "You're appointment - "
" -- is in one hour and twenty-three minutes. I know!"
"Rye, take your sister out to the beach. Rent some boogie boards if you want." I said. "Try to get along!"
"We ALWAYS get along, Dad!" Said Ranee.
"Just not maybe the way you'd always like to see!" Laughed Rye.
They were out the door in about two seconds -- free al last! I heard them go into their room, and then heard when they left for the beach. They were in the second room over from ours.
"So -- that's what has been bothering you -- your impending doom -- oops! I mean your appointment."
"Jack, I really am feeling sick -- to my stomach. I know it's irrational, but to talk to someone I don't know - "
"Come here, wimp!" He almost fell into my arms. He uttered a big sigh. "Face it, sweetheart. You knew Seth too well -- you thought. But you talked to him - and were fine. It's usually not the other guy at all -- it's you. Of course that's a generality. And -- if it were I, I'm not sure I'd act any different. We're talking about your quality of life -- for the rest of your life!"
"You always know what's going on in my head. I dunno why I need to talk to anyone else but you."
"I know you don't. But you'll have to trust me. You can't objectively psychoanalyze your partner. And also -- you need some kind of medicine."
"I hate that!" He said. I felt the hot tears on my neck. "I want so bad to feel -- something -- when I am holding you. I mean -- I feel SOMETHING -- I still love you more than life itself -- but -- there seems to be no more link between that, the feel of your warm body against mine, and my fucking DICK!" Ryan just doesn't talk that way, so I knew he was really upset. "Or more to the point my dick that CAN'T fuck! Crap!" He started to cry out loud now.
I held him close for a time until he got better control. "Sweetheart, I love you more than life itself too. And - - we're going to get through this."
"But -- what if - "
"Let's deal with the `what ifs' when they come up." I said "Ryan, there is something so much more important than sex. I like to think that we have that."
"But, Jack," he paused to catch himself again. "Maybe you can live with not having sex -- with me. I'm not sure I want to live -- not having sex -- with anyone." I started to say something, "No, let me finish. It's not altogether selfish. I want to please you. I can still get pleasure from getting you off. But -- well -- maybe it IS selfish. I -- I -- I don't know how I can handle -- not feeling anything. I will always love you, but -- even right now -- There is no sexual excitement. Not in my dick. Not in my body anywhere, and - - not in my head."
"I repeat: let's deal with that if and when it happens."
"But it's already happening!"
"That's why we're here, Baby. You do know the difference in a psychologist and a psychiatrist -- right?"
"A psychiatrist can prescribe drugs."
"Right. He's actually a medical doctor that practices psychology."
"So -- why does Seth want me to see this urologist too?"
I decided that Ryan's state was good enough to tell him. "The psychiatrist will help you to see some of the things that we have talked about here. He'll help you understand the reality of what's happening. He can -- probably will -- prescribe something to help you deal with the fear and anxiety you're experiencing now.
"The urologist can find out what your level of testosterone and other hormones that are specific to the physical trauma you have had. I know that Seth would not have referred us here unless he thought it would help."
"<<SIGH!>> I suppose. Will you go with me?"
"Of course!" I said. "But I can't hold your hand while he shrinks you!"
"Fuck you!" He quipped.
"Thank you." I replied, sweetly.
Notes: Comments are welcome. stevethomas535@hotmail.com Love, Steve