This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it might not be very pure either! There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind if story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - - ENJOY!
Cast of characters:
Jack Smith -- uh -- that would be me
Billy -- Jack's closest brother, 3 yrs older.
Will Smith -- My dad
Vivian Smith My mom
Art -- Jack's oldest brother, 9 yrs older.
Ralph Gilmore -- a new friend - deceased
Stacy Whitworth -- a catalyst/friend
George Toliver -- old grade school buddy
George Toliver, Sr, -- (duh!)
Cynthia Toliver -- (Mrs. Duh!)
Jim Walls-- George's cousin
Uncle Jake Smith-- Will's Brother
Aunt Lindy -- Uncle Jake's wife
Seth Gary -- One of Jake and Lindy's other nephews
Etta -- The Jacob Smith's housekeeper.
Jake Smith Jr. Jack's cousin
Colin -- Jake's partner
Carrie Smith -- Another of the Smith cousins
Al -- Carrie's Partner
Chris Gary -- Seth's older brother.
Craig -- Chris's partner
Mario -- Old high school friend
Terrence Moynahan -- Carmel Architect
Casey Bell -- Terrence's attorney
Ryan Crayson-- my husband
Ryan Jr. (Rye) -- Our son
Ranee -- Our daughter.
Harold -- the butler
From Chapter 26:
"I'm so sorry -- Jack -- to be such trouble!" Ryan said, lying in the ambulance. His head then flopped to the right -- away from me -- and he was out again, as suddenly as he seemed to wake up.
The young paramedic was sitting right next to me, but again -- for the second time in a short time, I closed my eyes to talk to God. I held Ryan's hand in my own and prayed mightily that God would save my sweetheart once again.
When I was finished, the young man next to me said, "Amen". I looked over and he had tears in his eyes too. "You'd be surprised how many prayers are uttered in this vehicle!" he said. I took his hand and brought it up and put it next to my face.
"Thank you!" I said.
"I think Mr. Crayson will be okay. He's done so much for our emergency center. And hospital! He's GOTTA be!"
We pulled into the emergency room again, and they wheeled him in, followed by me, stumbling behind -- in my underwear. But I was past noticing.
Chapter 27
"Dad?" Said a fearful looking Rye.
"Rye! Son! How did you -- I mean - "
"I called Pop's cell phone to ask him -- well that doesn't matter, but then Harold answered it! He told me Pop was on his way to the hospital. I was halfway here already so I turned around and came here. Um -- your naked! What happened?"
I told him as gently as I could the details of the afternoon. "Rae-rae's gonna flip out!" Said Rye. "She was worried about this, anyway. And she is gonna take it really bad that Pop would try to leave her like this."
"Yeah. I know." I said, too shaken to hide my own feelings.
"Oh, dad! I'm sorry!"
What irony! Ryan's son was consoling me! I put my arm around his shoulders. "Rye -- how are you feeling -- about it?"
"Well, I guess I'm a little numb. So much has happened! But, like Rae-rae, I was almost expecting something -- but afraid to put it into an actual -- um -- thought, I guess. Dad, Pop has suffered so much trauma - "
"Trauma? Where did you pick up a word like that?"
"I've talked to Uncle Seth about it - - too." He looked down as if he were ashamed.
"That's wonderful -- I mean that you talked to him. Why would you feel bad?"
"Dad, I didn't want to hurt your feelings -- by talking to him -- but I also -- know -- that you are hurting too." He then started sobbing and threw his arms around me and we both cried for a few moments until someone called my name.
"Mr. Smith? Mr. Jack Smith?"
I turned around and the receptionist -- or maybe the triage nurse -- beckoned to me. I started walking in her direction, then turned and grabbed Rye's hand and dragged him with me.
"I'm Jack Smith."
"Mr. Crayson is asking for you." She said, as she handed me a scrub uniform to wear.
"Can my son come too?" I asked.
"If he's over eighteen."
"I am -- but -- Dad -- maybe you should go first, and -- well -- maybe he only wants to talk to you -- at least at first. He may not say everything he wants to if I'm there."
I thought about that. I thought about how mature and grown up our boy was becoming. I felt such a tremendous swelling in my chest from pride, while at the same time my heart was hurting. Such diverse emotions all at once!
"Is there a place in there for my son to wait while I talk to Mr. Crayson?"
"Certainly. Mr. Crayson is in a room." I knew the significance of this in this small hospital. What she wasn't saying was that most emergence patients are situated in cubicles or even in the hallway, and if they're lucky, with a curtain drawn for privacy. My husband was someone special! She continued, "Your son may be seated outside the room."
She led us to the room where Ryan was. There were still emergency personnel monitoring him and the machines he was hooked up to. I pulled on the uniform and walked to his bed. His eyes were closed. I touched his hand. He opened his eyes.
His eyes tried to focus and then he stared blankly. "I thought it would be easier -- on me -- on you -- on the kids." He said, numbly. One of the attendants scooted a chair behind me. I sat, my face very near his.
"You're so wrong, Ryan! Not only would it be harder without you, you are needed -- by all of us." I whispered.
He then, obviously with some amount of effort, did focus on my face. "It won't happen again -- I promise. I don't know why I ever doubted your love for me -- any of you! Damn, I'm tired!"
"I'm Dr. Goodman. Mr. Crayson cannot be allowed to go to sleep for the next 12 hours or so." Said the man in grey scrubs next to me. "We will be remotely monitoring his vital signs and blood gases for that time, and if they remain at appropriate levels, you may take him home. I suggest that he not be left alone for awhile."
Ryan said, "But I have meetings -- tomorrow and - "
I gave him "the look".
"I can take Ryan with me." I looked at the doctor.
"I see no problem with that. And he tells me that you will be taking him to California next week. That may be the best thing! The warm beaches and cool redwood groves would be good for him. Will it be just the two of you -- or will you be taking the kids, Ryan?"
So the doctor knows Ryan!
"I -- we -- hadn't thought about that possibility." Said Ryan. "Do you think - - ?" Ryan said to me, with a hopeful look.
"Rye!" I said, opening the door. Rye immediately was in the room. "Do you think you'd like to go to California with us next week? You and Ranee?"
"Rae-rae starts school Monday," said Rye, "but she's such an over achiever, she should be able to do it." Said Rye. Ryan has been calling his sister `Rae-rae' since he was able to utter her name as a toddler.
"Oh!" Said Ryan, more animated than he'd been since coming in. "I was supposed to go surfing at Kennebunkport with Luke on Tuesday!"
"When are you going to California?" Asked the Doctor.
"Dunno yet." Said Ryan. "As soon as my -- er -- my -- er - "
I could tell he was having a real problem saying "my psychologist!" I rescued him. "My cousin's a psychologist. He's referring us to a doctor he knows out in Monterrey." I got a grateful look from Ryan.
"Well, I see no problem with you going surfing -- unless there is some other physical problem I am not aware of." Said Dr. Goodman.
Ryan looked down at his crotch and back up, then looked at Rye, standing there wide eyed. I motioned with my head for Rye to go outside the room. He did so.
"Ryan was injured a few weeks ago - " I started, speaking un hushed tones. Ryan could hear.
"I am aware of his recent injuries."
"Did you know that there is possibly permanent damage to his groin?"
"No, I wasn't! What happened, Ryan? Can I take a look?"
Dr. Goodman closed the door and pulled the light blanket back from Ryan and pulled down his underwear. "Shit!" Said the doctor, when he saw Ryan's penis. "They did a number on you didn't they?"
"He!" cried Ryan. "It was a damned doctor -- or that's what they called him. He was a butcher! What they didn't do to me with their kicking, he did with his scalpel."
"What -- I mean -- er -- do you have any sensation left?"
"That's not the problem, Jan." Said Ryan.
"They kicked his groin severely and repeatedly." I said. "Ryan seems to be having a loss of testosterone."
"Good God, Ryan! Have you seen a urologist?"
I squeezed the doctors wrist very hard. "My cousin has referred us to a psychiatrist." I said, frowning so that Ryan could not see.
"Oh!" Said Dr. Goodman. "Th -- that should work." He hesitated then said, I think that that's enough for now. And -- is it Jack?"
"Yes."
"Jack, I'm Jan. It's nice to meet you after all this time. Ryan and I go way back. Anyway, I need for you to sign a few papers, if you'll follow me. Maybe your son -- is it your son?"
"Rye's both our Son!" Said Ryan.
"Well, maybe Rye can come in and make sure that Ryan doesn't fall asleep for a few minutes, while we get you to sign some releases."
"What releases?" Ryan said groggily.
"Nothing, really, just technical stuff that needs to be done." And Jan pulled me out of the room.
"Rye, go keep your Pop awake!" I said.
As soon as we were out of earshot, Jan said, "I think he needs to see a urologist, too, but -- if -- who is your cousin?"
"Seth Gary."
"I wondered. If he wants Ryan to see a shrink, I trust he needs it, but a urologist has the expertise to know what doses to give -- assuming he needs artificial testosterone meds."
"Oh! Well, do you want to talk to Seth?" I said.
"Oh, I WILL talk to him. I am guessing he has something in mind already though." Said the doc.
I pushed speed dial for Seth.
"Hi Jack!" Came Seth's usual cheery voice. "Um -- Harold says you are back at the hospital."
"Yeah."
"I hoped nothing like this would happen. I'm afraid I judged that it would not. I'm sorry!"
"Seth -- it's not your fault. Dr. Goodman wants to talk to you."
"Dr. who?"
"Seth? Jan Goodman here."
"Jan -- Jan -- OH! THAT Jan! Yes! You volunteer here at the center sometimes."
"Yes. Ryan Crayson and I both graduated from Yale together."
"Oh! You gay?"
"Haha! Nope, sorry! Straight as an arrow! But anyway, I am seeing Ryan for -- do you know what happened?"
"Yes."
"I think he needs to be under the care of a urologist -- besides the psychiatrist you have referred him to. But I don't want to upset any apple cart."
"Yeah, that's okay. And Doc Underwood specializes in these cases. He works closely with a urologist."
"I figured you had things covered. I am much impressed with your work."
"Thanks. Is my cousin still there?"
"Yes."
"Seth?"
"Jack -- don't leave Ryan alone for anything -- after this -- no matter how much he raves about this never happening again."
"He SAID that!"
"I know he did -- or figured it. It's classic. Do you know what his schedule is like until Thursday?"
"He has clients to see tomorrow, and then Tuesday -- aren't you going surfing with Ryan and Luke?"
"Oh yeah! Is that Tuesday? Wow! Yeah, I said I'd go -- but only to watch!" Well, Thursday I have you guys a tentative appointment to see Dr. Underwood. Will that work?"
"You will have to tell Ryan. He's scared shitless!"
"Ohh-kaaay! Um -- how long will he be in the hospital?"
"For observation -- 12 hours. After that time, if his blood gases and vitals are okay, he can go home, but Dr. Goodman said he should not be left alone."
"I concur -- totally. But his blood gases and vitals are probably fine now. They want to observe him emotionally, actually. He'll be coming home before that time if they determine he can. But as they said, he cannot be left alone -- at all."
"We're handling it." I said.
"In the mean time, Luke and I will pay him a visit there. What room are you in?"
"It's -- well, I think it's the only room in the emergency - "
"I know it exactly. We'll be right there!" He hung up.
Within minutes, Seth walked up, trailing a smiling Luke behind. "Maybe you should make yourself scarce, Cuz!" Seth told me. Rye was still entertaining Ryan in the room. Seth listened a moment. "He's good!" Said Seth. Maybe you should take him with you to - "
"We've already thought of it!"
"And I have another idea. Ryan will need at least two meetings with Underwood. And there needs to be several days between. Luke, how would you like to do some surfing at Santa Barbara -- just for old times!" Luke's eyes lit up.
"I can't go," added Seth, "but I think it would be good for Ryan to do some surfing out there. The surf at Kennebunkport isn't very high right now, and the elation of surfing some large waves might give Ryan some much needed endorphins. And Luke could make sure he doesn't over do it." Luke smirked.
"Several days? I'm not sure I can be gone that long!" I said.
"If Ryan can -- and if he needs it -- I think I can put a bug up your boss's ass!" Seth joked.
The surfing at Kennebunkport was scrapped with the plans to surf in California. We arrived in Santa Barbara the next Monday afternoon.
"But Pop! Rae-rae and I want to go meet Dad's friend." Said Rye, when his father told him he should explore the city -- not go with me to see Jim.
I know what Ryan was thinking. He truly didn't want me to be influenced by my kids being there. His self esteem was so bad that he felt, if I "needed" to cheat -- who better with than an old flame?
"I WANT them to go with me, Ryan." I said. I'm proud of my -- OUR -- kids! And -- YOU're gonna meet him too!
Ryan folded his arms, set his jaw and said, "I don't think that would serve any good purpose."
"Except that I'm also proud of you!"
"So you just want to rub your success in your friend's face?" He said. That stopped me. Damn if that wasn't part of it! "Just go see him. You can let him know we are here too. He'll let you know if he wants to meet -- us."
"M-maybe you're right." I said.
Truth be known, I really didn't know how I'd react. I hadn't seen Jim in probably 15 years. I was a little scared after being warned by Seth. And -- if HE'S that careful -- maybe I should be - - too!
We stayed at the Normandy Inn, since it was the only place I knew. In sixteen years, it was looking a bit worn. I knew exactly where Jim's house was, since we went there for dinner all those years ago. I walked. When Jim opened the door, I thought he was going to cry -- but he didn't. Very subdued, he said, "Jack -- you haven't changed!"
That was of course an exaggeration. But -- sadly -- Jim had changed -- a lot! He was still very thin -- but the skin seemed to hang on his arms and face. He said, "Do come in."
I spread my hands out and said, "Don't I get a hug after all these years?" He stepped closer and we embraced. He used to be so warm and soft. Not he was cold and hard.
"It's not exactly like it used to be, is it?" He said. Well, it is for me. You truly seem like the same Jack I knew -- how long ago? 25 years?"
"Fifteen, but who's counting?" I said.
"Obviously, I am." He said. "My cousin is now in North Hollywood. He hooked up with that new boy-star, Will Wacker."
"Who's that?" I said.
"Teen idol. But he likes -- older men."
"How old is he?" I asked, despite my disgust.
"A lot older than he looks on screen. I think he's 25, actually."
"Oh!" I said. "That's not so bad!"
"That's right -- you married an older dude, didn't you?"
"Well -- not that much older, but -- yeah. I guess some guys like older and some - "
"George doesn't care -- as long as they have lots of money."
"How are YOU doing, Jim?"
"I get by. Luckily I put a million into a managed investment plan that pays well. I let George go through 23 million dollars -- sold off all the antique cars, even. When I wouldn't let him touch the invested million -- or the house -- his was gone before two years were up -- he left me for an older guy who was looser with his money."
"Geez!" I said.
"Problem was, this old fucker was living on plastic! He showed George a great time until he ran out of credit. So George lost him and found another guy even older. I can't believe how he -- well YOU know how he can sweet-talk his way into your heart!"
"Sounds like he's never left yours."
"Huh?"
"Your heart! You still hold him there, don't you?"
Jim smiled sadly. "Yeah. I know its foolish, but -- I keep waiting for him to come back."
"Oohhh Jim!" I said, appalled.
"I never loved anyone else. Sorry, Pal!" Said Jim.
"No -- it's okay. I've got my guy now -- for at least -- well, - the reason I'm here is he was badly hurt -- both physically and emotionally -- awhile back. He's here to see a specialist in his type of physio-psycho problem. I'm here to support him. Our kids are here too."
"Really? Why don't you all come over for dinner?" He perked up for the first time. "I'd love to meet the lucky family that inherited Jack Smith!"
"I'll ask Ryan if that would be okay with him."
"Jack - - ?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I ask you a favor?"
"You can always ask!"
"Your standard comeback -- I remember! Anyway -- would it be okay to invite George -- when you come?"
"I'd be -- um -- curious -- to see him, but why would you?"
He smiled again -- sheepishly. "Oh, I'd normally have no reason to ask him, but with you here - - it's an excuse!" He looked pathetic. I almost wanted to cry!
"But -- if he's in North Hollywood -- how - ?"
"He's up here at Pebble Beach, playing a celebrity golf round -- with his Willy."
"Omigosh! His Willy! That's funny! Omigosh again! That would make him `Willy Wacker'! That had to be on purpose!" I LAUGHED. Um -- how did you know he'd be here?"
"He's still my cousin. He somehow wrangled an invitation for Uncle George to the game too, so I heard about this from my mom. But - - we still keep in contact - occasionally.
"Do you think he'd be bringing this Willy Wanker to dinner too?"
"Wacker!" he said smiling blandly. "I doubt it. George likes to keep his personal life separate from his family life. I dunno how that will work with his dad in the tournament."
"I'd almost like to see how that would play out. I know -- or thought I did -- how George's parents felt about his gayness." I said. "But -- I'm afraid that Ryan would hate it! He stays out of the bright lights as much as possible."
"Yeah -- me too." Said Jim. "And you're probably right to be concerned. Will comes with an entourage -- AND paparazzi."
"Really?"
"Oh yeah! George has made it into that Star, the supermarket rumor sheet once or twice. But mostly it's British paparazzi. Will is a Brit."
"If he's a teen idol, don't they have to kind of keep their sexuality under wraps?"
"Yes, but you know there are always rumors -- that Will's "aging companion" is more than just a platonic friendship."
"George must really like sex with a teen to put up with that!" I said.
"Sex? Not! George says the kid is a lush and a fish in bed."
"What?!" I said.
"You know what George is in love with!" Said Jim, sadly. "He's addicted to money. He'll do anything for it."
"I know, but - "
"I think you're gonna be surprised how he looks!" Said Jim.
"Looks?" I said.
"Jack -- he doesn't look much different from when you knew him -- well, except maybe better. He's had surgery -- lifts and tucks -- and -- he works out all the time to keep himself looking fit. He looks like -- well, maybe 25 -- at the oldest! And he's no longer stocky!"
"Geez! Well, good for him. I think a guy should always look his best." I said.
"Even if it takes surgery?"
"It wouldn't be my choice, but -- I'm not gonna judge him for that. Lots of people do it."
"So it sounds like maybe your curiosity is piqued?"
"Definitely! When -- shall we plan to come for dinner?"
"Let me call George and find out if he's even available. How long will you be here?"
"Maybe as long as two weeks."
"Good. George will be going back by Sunday, is my guess, since the tournament is over then."
"Saturday, Luke -- do you remember the little purple eyed partner of my cousin Seth? -- well he's flying out to surf with Ryan."
"Where are they surfing?"
"I dunno. Down south somewhere, I think. Zuma Beach?"
"Well, thanks for coming by, Jack. And by the way -- YOU look amazing, too!"
"Thanks. I can't claim any credit for it. I think that love -- for Ryan and the kids -- helps." I was immediately ashamed of myself! I thought about ryans comment to me earlier about wanting to flaunt.
"I'll call you."
"Great!" I said.
We hugged again. This time it was a bit warmer.
"How was it?" Said Ryan, when I got back.
"It was -- sad at first. But it was nice once the initial shock wore off."
"Sad? Shock?"
"He looks so old!"
"Have you looked in the mirror lately? We don't exactly look like teens any more."
"No, Ryan -- I mean OLD! Anyway -- he wants us all to come for dinner this weekend."
"I'll be down at Venice Beach on Saturday." He reminded me.
"Oh -- Venice, huh?"
"Yes. You don't have to come if you - "
"I wouldn't miss it for anything!" I averred. "I'll have fun with the kids -- on the beach."
"Well -- um -- that's one reason I chose Venice beach. I checked the web, and there won't be huge waves anywhere this weekend -- so I'm gonna teach the kids how to surf."
"Really? How great! Maybe I will change my mind, after all!"
"And - - spend some more time with Jim?"
"Huh?" I said.
"You said you might change your mind about going -- didn't you?"
"I was going to go as an observer, Sweetheart. But -- if the kids are gonna surf -- and if the surf's not that wild -- maybe this will be a good time to learn to surf!"
"You want to surf with me?!!" Ryan asked, clearly excited for the first time in a long time.
Notes: Lotsa stuff happening. No clear direction. I'm in author heaven! I can go almost anywhere with this! Any comments are always welcome. I don't take suggestion well - - - unless its REALLY REALLY good! Hahahahaha! stevethomas@hotmail.com. Thanks and ... love, Steve