This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it might not be very pure either! There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind if story, shame on you for reading it -- please stop here. If not, -- ENJOY!
From Chapter 1:
"Okay -- oh! What?" He asked. "You were gonna ask me something."
"It's nothing. I'll see you tomorrow in the locker room." Shit! That thought immediately made me feel a tightening in my own jeans.
"No, ask it now, Jack. I might be dead by then." He laughed nervously. I worried what that comment might mean.
"I was going to ask you for your telephone number. Maybe I'll call you and see how you are later."
"Really?" He sounded pleased. "866-6678."
"Thanks. See yah!" I said. I patted his back and got up to leave.
"What's yours?" He asked quickly.
"862-0244."
"Bye!" He said, and he lay back down on his book.
Chapter 2
I felt so bad leaving Ralph like that, but geez, I hardly knew him, and he did say he would be fine. I wondered about his remark about "No, ask it now, Jack. I might be dead by then". Was he that depressed?
I couldn't think of anything else the rest of that class. In my intense thought, I completely forgot the phone number he told me. As soon as class was out, I made a bee line for the parking lot. My heart sank when I got there and his van was gone.
"No, ask it now, Jack. I might be dead by then". I couldn't get it out of my head. He lived near Woodruff and Imperial, maybe -- nope. Too many houses over there. It would be impossible to -- wait! That van would be easy to spot! I drove by that area on my way home, hoping that I would be impressed or something. There were several neighborhoods that fit that description. I started to drive up one street and realized the futility in this.
I got home and almost had to drag myself up to the front door. I felt exhausted. I came in the door and Mom heard me. "Hi Jack, how was your day?"
What could I tell her? That I met a guy I liked and I was afraid he might - ? -- no! I pushed that out of my mind. Well, I tried anyway.
"Fine." I said, trying to sound like I meant it so she wouldn't press any further. I headed for my bedroom and the door was almost shut.
"Oh, Jack!" She called to me. I took a deep breath and went back out to the kitchen.
"What?" I said, again trying to act nonchalant.
"You got a call from a boy -- well, I guess a young man."
"Did he leave a number?"
"No, but if it's important, it's probably on the call register on the I-phone."
I didn't mean to run to the I-phone, but I couldn't help myself. It was several numbers down, but I recognized it: 866-6678. How could I forget that?
"Hello Jack!"
"How are you?"
"I'm okay I guess. I didn't see you write my number down and I know you had class and who knows what else on your mind, so I thought I'd give you a call -- just to -- um -- make sure we made contact."
"866-6678 is quite easy to remember, actually." I said.
"Oh! So you remembered it after all?"
After too long a pause, I said, "Hrmph! No, I didn't! I'm glad you called, Ralph."
"Cool! Hey! When was the last time you rode your bike down the riverbed?"
"I've never ridden my mountain bike down there. The last time I was down there was probably some time in junior high."
"Wanna meet me down there this afternoon?" Ralph said.
"I better not. I need to eat dinner with my folks. And we eat at 6:00."
"Oh."
"How about after dinner?" I offered.
"What time?" He asked, probably more enthusiastically that he realized.
"Why don't you meet me between 7:00 and 7:15, somewhere between Firestone and Imperial, in the riverbed?"
"So -- it's a plan, Jacky!"
"I know someday I'll regret saying this but -- Cool, Ralphy!"
"Hahaha! I know I regret it already! See you!"
Damned if I didn't feel like I was back in junior high! I felt foolish, but at the same time I felt somehow free and -- happy!
I inhaled my dinner, and then excused myself and I rode through the park behind our house, to the river which was on the west boundary of the park. I rode to the Firestone overpass and under it, there was Ralph waiting for me. I felt almost giddy. No -- I DID feel giddy. I did something very out of character. I walked up and when he presented his fist for me to cuff, I pulled him into a hug.
Immediately I wished I hadn't! For a short moment we stood there clasped together. It was then I noticed he was hugging me as hard as I was him. We let go and he said, "Thanks. I needed that. You have no idea how much!"
"Sorry, I don't know what got in to me!" Was all I could say.
"Did you hear what I said?" He asked.
"I did, but I still weirded myself out. It seemed righter when I thought of it than while I was doing it."
"It seemed right to me about a split second after you did it!" He took my right hand in his left. I pulled slightly back. "What? Were you afraid I'd think you were gay?" I felt my cheeks getting hotter and hotter.
"I -- I -- don't quite know what to say, Ralph ... I'm sorry that I was so -- um -- forward -- or something." I stammered.
Ralph turned around and faced the opposite direction, then said to the sand under his feet -- barely audible, "Didn't you like the hug. Did I not hug you back good enough?"
I reached out and touched his shoulder gently. He recoiled by impulse. He continued, "You -- you -- hit something in me that I don't quite know how to handle. Larry and I -- we were very close -- erm -- not THAT close, but -- very close. But he never touched me like you did."
I removed my hand from his shoulder. "I'm sorry. I thought -- I mean -- you seemed to need something."
"You -- you're right. I -- knew I needed something. I'm just not quite sure what it is. I thought I knew but this afternoon -- when you -- um -- stroked my -- um -- leg -- it brought up something that I am not sure I like."
Oh no!
"Ralph, look -- you were really hurting -- well, it seemed pretty bad. I was only -- um -- trying to soothe you. I'm sorry if - "
"Jack! You're not getting this are you? I -- erm -- well -- I liked it! And I'm not quite sure that I LIKE that I liked it. Does that mean that I'M gay?"
"I dunno Jack, does it?" I said, trying to sound non-committal.
"Are you g-gay -- Jack?"
"I -- um -- don't know quite how to answer you. Did you want me to be?"
"I've never known anyone who was gay. I got nothin' against them -- er -- I mean -- I just don't know any. And now I am having feelings that -- that - "
"Ralph -- I may be gay. I have never done anything with another guy -- I mean since before I -- um -- matured -- but I -- um -- Dang it's hot under here!"
"You mean you did stuff before you - "
"Nothing much, I mean -- Damn! How did we get on this subject?"
"I believe it started when you hugged me."
"Oh -- yeah. Why don't we ride our bikes. That's why we came here isn't it?"
"No." He said simply.
I was completely taken off guard by that -- and really, all the rest that was happening. "Why -- erm -- why did YOU come out here?" I said, haltingly.
Ralph was obviously as uncomfortable as I was, but he continued, "<SIGH!> I felt something -- something like -- I felt when I was with Larry, I guess. I never quite identified it before. But -- it was definitely the same feelings. I'm not quite sure I want to identify it now. But -- if you think you might be gay then -- SHIT! Maybe I am -- too."
His legs seemed to collapse beneath him. We were standing on the steep grade of the asphalt sides of the river bed.. (In Los Angeles County, there WERE no rivers. Only river BEDS -- used for winter runoff when it rained hard.) He seemed to collapse in slow motion, and because of the steep grade, he fell and tumbled down the 20 to 25 foot lower elevation where the steep sides hit the sandy bottom.
I threw my mountain bike aside and ran down to him. He was out cold. I put my ear to his nose and mouth. No sign of breath. I didn't know CPR, but I knew something had to be done quick. I rolled him out straight onto his back and pinched his nose and then opened his mouth. I blew into it, but it seemed like there was not nearly enough pressure in my blowing. His cheeks puffed outward. I let his nose go and his cheeks quickly collapsed, as the air hissed out of his nose.
Somehow this woke him up, but he was immediately panicky. I knew immediately that there must be something stuck in his wind pipe. I sat him up and hit him on the back. Tears were streaming out of his eyes by now, but he still couldn't breath. I pounded his back really hard, and maybe a bit too low. Whatever it did, he coughed hard and a big red piece of candy flew out of his mouth.
"OH MY GOD!" He cried. He was taking huge gulping breaths of air, and the tears were stills streaming down his face. Finally he slowed down and looked up at me. Tears in eyes, he said, "I've thought about killing myself before. But when it came down to it -- I damn sure didn't want to die -- not this way!"
"You -- you -- have tried suicide?" I stammered.
"NO! But I thought about it."
"Why - I mean -- yeah! Why? What could be that bad." I intoned.
"Apparently you have never lost anyone close to you."
"Well -- no."
"I wanted to die when I lost Larry. Jack -- I was supposed to be in that car with them! Ricky -- the driver -- asked me to go up to Crestline with them for the weekend. I got pissed because Larry hadn't even mentioned it to me. I told Ricky I couldn't go, but the truth was, I was pissed at Larry -- for not asking me to go with them. If I had gone, I may have been the one driving. I don't drink. Ricky was drunk! So was Larry and Jose. Jose was the only one who survived the crash. He's a quadriplegic now. If I hadn't gotten pissed at Larry - "
"Ralph -- you don't know any of that!"
"I KNOW I was PISSED. And to make it worse, I think that maybe Larry asked Rick to ask me -- because he had a wrestling match the night before and could not call me. I think it could have been my fault -- the whole thing!" He was hysterical again. I again was within arms length of his thigh. I reached out and then checked myself. I moved closer and put my hand on his back.
"What makes you think Ricky would have let you drive his car?"
"I don't," he whimpered, "I just don't know!" Ralph looked me directly in the eye. "Do you think so?"
"I don't -- didn't know -- Ricky, but many guys just get belligerent when they are drunk. Was Ricky like that?"
"I dunno -- but he was a football player -- and he was mean. He only just barely tolerated me -- because of Larry. That's why I think Larry told him to ask me."
"So -- it sounds to me like he probably wouldn't have let you drive anyway."
"M-maybe n- not." Ralph looked into my eyes deeply. It seemed something passed between us that neither of us understood. Our faces moved closer together. I changed positions, and our lips were almost touching as we stared into each others souls. I thrust my head past his and hugged him close.
Up above us, we didn't see the two boys watching us. "FAGS!" one of them yelled and they kicked our bikes down from the top and rode fast away on their own.
"That's what I was afraid of!" Said Ralph.
"Fuck them! Little boys -- maybe 14! They don't know what there are talking about!" I said forcefully.
Inside I was feeling an emotion that I had never felt before and at that moment I decided I wanted more of it!
"M-maybe we better get back." I said.
"Maybe." Said Ralph. He looked me in the eyes. "Thanks, Jack. You can't know how much this evening has meant to me." He said as if he had made some peace and resolve within him. I felt pretty good about that.
I got up and extended my hand. He took it and grimaced as he got up. He was probably bruised from the fall. We climbed up the steep embankment, picked up our bikes and said good bye, riding in opposite directions.
That was the last time I ever saw Ralph. His note was printed in all the local papers, as well as all the TV news:
"Mom and Dad,
This has nothing to do with you. I finally decided I had to join Larry.
I love you, Ralph"
I was in shock. I hardly knew him. And I was still devastated. In a way, if I were more perceptive, he maybe was trying to tell me. It seemed like we connected. Where was I so wrong? His last words kept echoing in my brain: ""Thanks, Jack. You can't know how much this evening has meant to me." Was it then he made his decision?
I was operating in impulse mode for the most of a week.
"Jacky, was that boy who died -- didn't you get a call from a Ralph one night last week?"
"It was the same, Mom. I hardly knew him. And yet -- I feel like I failed him."
"That's normal. We all feel like we failed someone and he commits suicide. Did he tell you anything?"
"Oh I know why he did it. But I thought I had made him think more positively. It almost seems like after we went bike riding that night - - he made up his mind."
"Whatever for? Why would he do this?" Mom asked.
"He loved his friend -- you read and heard the reports -- but he felt like he belonged with them that day his best friend died. How could I have so completely misread him, Mom?"
"Well, as you said, you hardly knew him."
"I guess." I said. It didn't make me feel any better though. Still at night, as I thought about the day I was stroking his thigh, it grew into more than it really was and -- I found some solace in wanking to that impression. It helped me sleep, even if it was somewhat less than satisfying.
The very next week, I met and made friends with a girl -- where else -- in my English Lit class. Seemingly out of the blue, she asked me to go to the Fall Ball with her.
"Would it matter if I were gay?" I said. I couldn't quite believe the words came out of my mouth. But since Ralph died, I started to wonder if it was all that good to keep it to myself.
"Does that mean you can dance?" She quipped.
I looked up. "Omigod!" I said, then admitted, "Yeah, I can!" I chuckled.
"Good! We'll go as a group!"
"What?"
I really think gay guys are cool. I was hoping you were. I think that kid who died -- always sat up front -- ? I think he might have also been gay. I never got to talk to him. I wish I had. Anyway, I know a few other guy guys here. I went to school with them at Warren -- do you know it?"
"Warren high -- duh! I went to Downey!" I said, perking up.
"There is this one guy, George. He is so funny!"
"When did you graduate?"
"Last year."
"Me too! What was George's last name?"
"Toliver."
"No shit??" I cried. "Oops -- sorry."
"You know him?"
I was all smiles. "I not only know him -- he was my best friend in half of 4th grade! Then we moved to another grade school district. I lost track of him. Does he go to Cerritos?"
"Does he go here?" she repeated. "George!" she hollered. A tall freckle-faced guy turned around.
"Stacy!" He hollered back. He almost ran up to us. He looked me up and down. "Hi! George Toliver."
"I know who you are!"
He squinted at me. "You do? I hope that's a good thing!" and his face broke out into a big smile.
"Me too, George. I shot my hand out, and he grabbed it and started to pump it. "Jack Smith."
He had started to say something, then it got caught in his throat, and he squinted some more. "My God it IS you! Jack!" He practically jumped into my embrace. When he stepped away, Stacy put her arm through my own. George looked at us both and said, "So are you two a number?" Grinning ear to ear. "That would be so cool. My former best friend dating my current best friend!"
"No. I could never be Jack's girlfriend -- unless of course he was bi." She let it drop like a bomb. I forgot for a moment that George was gay -- and wondered if I had misunderstood. Then George looked from me to Stacy and then back to me and his eyes grew wide and so did his mouth.
"Nuh -- uhhh!" He said, and then was all grins again. He looked at Stacy and said, "Geez! Think of all we missed out on!" and they both giggled.
"I was just asking Jack to go to the Fall Ball with me."
"You Fag Hag!" George said. "Now I am hurt! You could have asked me if you wanted to hang with a poof!"
"I didn't know about Jack until after I asked him. Why don't we all go together?" Stacy said.
"I dunno -- still and all -- you asked him first -- did you think he was straight? You wouldn't know what to do with a straight guy!"
That was the first time Stacy stopped smiling. There was a very uncomfortable pause.
"What're we supposed to wear for the dance?" I asked. "I really hadn't any inclination to go before today."
"It's semi-formal. Got a suit and tie?" Said George. Assuming I did, he turned back to Stacy. "Sorry Stace. Sometimes I get carried away."
"Good thing I love you so much!" she said and she planted a wet kiss on his mouth.
"Some guy's gonna be very lucky when he finds out how good you can kiss!" George crooned.
I looked between the two of them. "You mean -- Oh never mind!" I said.
"Yeah, I've never been kissed by a guy! Well, except this hunk here!" She said and she gave him a squeeze.
"And I -- I've never been kissed by a guy either!" laughed George But Stacy and I have been doing lots of practicing -- for a long time, huh, babe?"
I stood there mesmerized. "Wake up Jacky! That's what we used to call him! Not all gays are sluts, you know?"
"I've never kissed a guy." I said, all of a sudden shy.
Stacy looked between me and George several times.
Notes: Well, lots of drama in this one. It'll be hard to follow! If you are not familiar with my work, I write "from the hip" so to speak. I give NO foreplay -- oops I mean foreTHOUGHT to my writing. I know, not the "right way" to write, but it's my style and it makes it a lot more fun for me! Also ... I don't get half of what I write until I proofread it! It sort of flows from my subconscious, I guess.
Please feel free to write and tell me how I'm doing. I will ALWAYS write back -- I promise! Please put "Jack" in the subject area. Thanks and --
Love, Steve