This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it might not be very pure either! There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind if story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - - ENJOY!
Cast of characters:
Jack Smith -- uh -- that would be me Billy -- Jack's closest brother, 3 yrs older. Will Smith -- My dad Vivian Smith My mom Art -- Jack's oldest brother, 9 yrs older. Ralph Gilmore -- a new friend - deceased Stacy Whitworth -- a catalyst/friend George Toliver -- old grade school buddy George Toliver, Sr, -- (duh!) Cynthia Toliver -- (Mrs. Duh!) Jim -- George's cousin
From Chapter 14:
"Let's not make too much of this then." He said, and he brought his hand up and gently pulled my face into a kiss. My emotions were still pretty raw, and I reacted that way. I grabbed him and hugged him close.
"I better go in before we decide to do anything else -- as buds!"
"Haha! Yeah, I guess." He kissed me again and ran and jumped over his fence. I stood there for a minute or so watching the place where he disappeared, wondering what might become of Jim and Jack.
Chapter 15
I got an early start on my drive up to Santa Barbara. I took my time and stopped at every rest stop and overlook/viewpoint. It was cold and even foggy in places, but the sea and coastline still were amazing. I drove up to my uncle's house about lunch time. It is the most beautiful house I have ever been in. I didn't remember the detached garage with some kind of room at the top. It had a four car garage attached to the house, anyway.
An older, rather pretty women -- looked like she was from Jamaica or something -- Oh yeah! That would be their housekeeper, Edna or something like that.
"You know when to come, don't you pretty boy?! She seemed to be scolding me.
"Oh! Did I come at a bad time?" I said apologetically, realizing what time it was.
"No, Etta know you coming! Lunch inna 20 minutes. You take you things up to Seth and Luke's flat. She pointed to the new building. So the room above was Seth's apartment.
Then she gave me a magnificent smile, showing perfect teeth that probably have never had a filling.
"Jack?" A voice behind me said.
I turned around and there stood my cousin, Jake!
"Jake!" I said.
He ran to me and stopped. Looking me up and down, he said, "Wow! You were only about 12 or 14 the last time I saw you! Did you never go through that teen awkward stage? You looked great then and now -- whew! You look even better!" I could feel my ears and cheeks burning.
"I didn't know you were here, Jake!"
"I hope you're not disappointed!" he smiled. "Where's your stuff? Let me help you up with it."
I looked hard at him. "Excuse me but -- I heard that you had -- um - "
"AIDS?"
"Yeah. But -- you look great!"
"I AM great! I feel great -- most of the time, and there's not even a trace of the virus in me any more. They say I always have to be wary -- looking for it. But for now, I am rid of it." He reached for my overnight bag, "Let me take that! You get the rest."
"That's okay, this is all I have. Just lead the way."
"Good! You can come up and meet my partner, Colin." He waited for me to go up before him. As I walked up the stairs before him, he commented, "Nice ass! You must work out!"
"Nope! Just in the genes, I guess." I said smiling.
"Yes -- and fills them out really well!"
"Huh?"
"Your Jeans! It fills them out well. No straight guy could lay claim to anything like that! Haha!"
"Ah! So you have heard about me too!" I said.
"Oh yeah. Seth told me not to be too brutal -- until he's through with you!"
Jake laughed again.
When I entered their lair, I saw who he was referring to as Colin. It was not only his partner, but a god! Colin was much more reserved than my cousin.
"Too bad you missed Chris and Craig!" said Colin. "Chris is Seth's brother."
It was then I espied the 2 kids peeking out of the bedroom. They looked to be between 6 and 8. "Hi!" I said, smiling.
"Oh, yeah! These are my -- er OUR kids, Ursula and Uri." He beamed as he said it.
Both of them advanced to me warily. The boy put out his hand.
"Nice to meet you, sir." He said in an accent I didn't recognize.
The girl was next. She curtsied perfectly. "Nice to meet you, sir."
"Very nice!" I said "And I'm very pleased to meet you both!" And I bowed deeply. They looked at their dads and smiled their approval.
"Such good manners!" I said.
"Their mother is a good teacher!" Said Colin.
"Their mother?" I queried.
"We adopted them. They are Ukrainian. They and their siblings were orphaned when their father was killed in the wars that broke out after the break up of the old USSR. Their mother was not able to care for them. So when we adopted them, we also brought their mother over to give them the support that only a mother can give."
I didn't mean to look skeptical, but it just happened.
"That's our opinion, Jack." Said Jake. "Both Colin and I came from intact families, and we saw no way that either of us could be a mother to them. "Come put your stuff in this room. That one is Seth's and Luke's."
"How about `their siblings? What happened to them" I asked.
"We live in Vermont in what people around us refer to as a compound. Chris and Craig, and Rob -- Chris and Craig's best friend -- and his partner, Denny, adopted the rest of the family. Their mom takes care of them all."
He ushered me in to a large bedroom. He showed me where the bathroom was. Each bedroom has a toilet and commode attached. Then he showed me the showers. All the bedrooms have doors leading to the shower room, where there are 3 shower stations -- like a small locker room shower.
"I'd tell you to make yourself comfortable, but we have to get down to lunch," said Jake, Etta is great, but she doesn't take well to people being late for her meals."
"Oh yeah -- Etta. I had forgotten about her. Probably psychological in nature - - I was afraid of her when I was little." I said.
"You wouldn't be the only one -- and - - you definitely don't want to get on her bad side!" Said Colin.
Jake laughed. "Etta's part of the family. She's okay. Colin just takes too much of her guff." At that remark, Jake got "the finger" from Colin.
We went into the big house via the kitchen. Lunch was leftovers from Christmas. But it was served elegantly. I remarked about it as I walked in.
"Etta tell you I know you coming!" Said Etta.
"Nuh-uh! You didn't do this for me!" I responded.
" `Friad she did!" Said a very pretty girl who came from the formal entry. I did a double-take.
"Carrie!!??" I said. She smiled widely. I ran to her and she tried to pick me up -- the way she used to!
"Nope! You're too big now! Jacky, I wouldn't have even recognize you if I hadn't been told you were coming. If Etta hadn't made it special, I would have! Jacky, meet my partner, Al."
Al was a very VERY tall and beautiful woman in her mid twenties -- as was Carrie, only not so tall. "Carrie didn't tell me to watch my heart! You are more than she ever described to me." Said Al. She hugged me. I blushed. "You gay boys are all alike!" She joked. I blushed some more.
We had a very animated and fun supper conversation. Etta, the housekeeper, was mostly in the kitchen, but she offered her remarks liberally - - and poignantly.
After lunch, Colin, My cousin's partner asked if I wanted to go for a walk on the beach. My surprised look elicited an explanation: "Jakey needs a nap. He is pretty much cured from his AIDS, but he still seems to need a lot of rest, to keep his immune system up to par."
Their two beautiful, blond, curly-headed children went with us. Colin filled me in on some of the Smith (and friends) history. He told me that Seth, besides getting his degree in psychology, also attended the college of hard knocks, learning too much of life -- the dark side of life -- first hand.
Lot's of tragedy; that Luke, Seth's partner was an outcast from his royal Hawaiian family, until his fathers death bed, at which time he relented and left the family fortune -- a Hawaiian airline -- to Luke and his sister. His sis always took care of Luke, even when the rest of the family turned against him.
"You're going to definitely have a reaction to Luke!"
"Why?" I asked.
"I will let you see for yourself!" He smiled.
From what he told me of the family, I really wanted to meet the rest of them. Seth's brother and his partner sounded nice, as well as their best friend, Rob and his partner Denny. I really wish I could have been here a day earlier.
When we came home, we took a shower, while then kids lay down with Jake for a nap of their own. Colin was just about the most perfect looking man I'd even seen - or at least ever been naked with. I was a bit shy on the shower, but he was not any of that. Of the three shower stations, we took the ones that faced each other. He isn't unduly endowed, just obviously works out and maintains his beautiful body.
"What?!!" He said.
"Sorry!" I replied. "Was I staring? You're pretty hard to NOT stare at. Do you have to work hard at that?"
"Haha! Well, yeah, I do put a lot of time into myself. But - - I do it to stay attractive for Jake. I'd do anything for him!"
"I hope someday to have that kind of relationship."
"I do too. But a good relationship takes work."
"But you guys seem to have it all together." I marveled.
"I like to think we do - - now."
"Now?"
"We went through a lot of pain to get where we are." He said. I guess he read the blank look on my face as he continued, "Jack, both Jake and I have done a lot of growing and made some mistakes -- BIG mistakes -- to get where we are. That's what I meant about work. It takes work and commitment -- a LOT of commitment! There still isn't a day that goes by that we don't have some little disagreement. We just don't let the small stuff screw with our relationship."
"And the bug stuff?" I said, and -- immediately wished I hadn't when I saw the pained look on Colin's face.
"Jack, There are times in every relationship when you have t look at what is happening and ask yourself -- `Is it all worth it?'. So far, it has been. I really think that the worst is behind us."
"Sorry, I didn't mean to pry."
"It's okay. You're -- what? 18?"
"Yeah." I said.
Colin suddenly looked very far away. "Gosh that was a long time ago!"
"You're about 25, right?
"Thanks! No, try 28."
"Oh! I thought Jake was older."
"He's 29. He used to look young for his age -- until the AIDS thing. I don't think he looks any older than his age though."
"Naw, he looks good!" I said. Colin got the most loving, approving look on his face when I said that. I could tell there was a lot of love going on there!
"Do you have a boyfriend?" Colin asked. Seeing the pained look on my face, he added, "OOOO! Sorry. Hey! You're so young! You have lots of time. I remember how it felt not to have a guy at your age. It felt like it would never happen!"
"I had a guy -- possibility of two. One killed himself, and the other married a girl! And -- now there is another that I am considering, and - - well, actually that's most of the reason I came here. I talked to Seth a little on the phone, and he wants to talk to me."
"The guy that killed himself -- um -- do you mind talking?"
"It's okay. I still have feelings for him, but - <sigh!> and I dream a lot of him. But Jordy -- the one who up and got married -- so all of a sudden -- that's what hurt the most!"
"I know that story."
"Huh?" I wondered how he could know about George.
When I was your age, I fell head over heels for a guy -- and thought he felt the same. He did almost the same thing. Only - - he asked me to be his best man! We had no commitment, so I had to act all happy for him and all, but I went into a slump that worried my parents. My mom knew exactly what was going on."
"OOO! That must have been hard." I said.
"It was, but - " he teared up a little, "not as hard as it was when I thought Jake was gonna die. You learn -- with time -- that some things you THOUGHT were important -- and maybe even earth-shattering -- are easily eclipsed by more important things."
"I -- I guess."
"Hey, Cuz!" A little guy popped in the front door. "Oh! Hey, you must be Jack?"
"S -- Seth?" I said.
Seth stepped out the door and hollered, "Hey Luke, come meet my cousin-in-law!" I heard heavy footsteps come up the stairs. He came in backwards dragging two suitcases and two overnight bags with him. When he turned around I saw what Colin was talking about.
The sun was almost down -- over the sea -- and streamed in the window, washing both new guys in bright light. Seth looked older than Luke, and a lot older than he sounded. Seth looked almost Goth, though he didn't dress the part. His skin was white, but he had a shock of longish dark hair, with highlights that looked gray in the sunlight. And dark -- almost black -- eyes.
But Luke! He's hard to describe! He is also small -- well, short, anyway. He also looks like he works out considerably. He has an almost pretty native Hawaiian face, with blue hair (NOT DYED!) and purple eyes! His hair is like they make super black hair look in comic books -- midnight blue. But his eyes were a true deep purple -- that I've never seen before -- in eyes. My chin dropped and I gawked.
"Yeah, he's pretty beautiful, isn't he?" Laughed Seth. "But make no mistake -- he's mine!" Luke came and hugged Seth from behind, and grinned at me.
Seth broke loose from Luke and came to me. "Well, since we are officially cousins -- by marriage -- I believe that calls for a hug!" He said. I hugged him. Or rather he hugged me. I was shy at first, but quickly go into the close -- almost sensual hug -- he gave. Then he moved out of the way, and Luke hugged me the same way, though Luke was easily as red as I was.
"You LOOK like a Smith!" Said Luke.
"I AM a Smith." I laughed.
"Well, nice to meetcha, Haoli."
That drew an odd look from both Seth and Colin. I decided to ignore it for the time being.
"How long can you stay?" Asked Seth.
"I have school starting after New Years."
"Oh, cool! Stay with us for New years Eve!"
"Okay! I -- oh! Oh! I - "
"You have to be back for something?"
"Well, er -- yeah -- sort of. There's this guy - "
"Ahh HAH!" Said my cousin (Jake). He somehow entered the room unnoticed by me.
"Actually we don't have a date or even an understanding -- but -- I know he'd be -- disappointed if I don't come home before -"
"Why not invite him here?" Said Jake. "By that time, Rob, Denny, Chris and Craig will be back. They're actually down in your neck of the woods, visiting family. But they'll be back by New Years. We always make it a point to all be all together for New Year's Eve."
I hesitated. "He doesn't have to make up his mind immediately." Said Seth, calmly. "So, have you seen our beach, nearby?"
"I went walking earlier with Colin and his kids."
"Good, it won't be foreign to you! Grab your coat! Grab yours too, Luken."
We walked toward the beach. Luke walked about 25 paces behind us. "It's okay. We have an understanding. We don't ever put ourselves in a questionable position. So -- I wanted to get you out of there quick. I sense your hesitation about staying -- might have something to do with -- um -- what you wanted to discuss with me."
"Yeah, well, sort of. Jim is George's cousin and he also knows about Ralph and he and I an George have -- um -- well we've had some fun together and - "
"Whoa whoa WHOA, Pard'ner! You lost me back at `Yeah'. Who's George?"
"Oh! I guess I should start at the beginning."
"Good idea. You can skip all the `and God created' stuff - - up to, when you were born, though!" he chuckled.
"Oh! You want me to go back that far?"
"You go back as far as you think you need to, to give me an understanding of your situation. Why don't you first tell me what your main concern at this time is, and we can work outward from that."
"Okay. I really like Jim, but -- I'm afraid that it's too soon to do anything with him."
"Okay, now - - you mentioned Jim a moment ago. Jim is whose cousin?"
"Okay, wait. Let me start a little further back."
There was a bench to sit on. "This isn't an official appointment, but as far as I'm concerned, what passes between you and me is as sacred as if it was."
"Thanks." I said and looked around for Luke. He was sitting about 25 yards from us -- on the sand. "Can't Luke sit with us? I don't mind."
"He has before, but it's better not to. I don't have him follow me every time I talk to a guy. Just trust me, it's important right now -- to us and to me. He'll be okay."
"Okay, anyway, at the beginning of the school term, I met Ralph. We determined that we may have seen each other before. We met once only, and we didn't do anything except hug."
"You didn't kiss?"
"No, but the night that we hugged -- he killed himself."
"Nuh-uh!" Said Seth.
"He did! I feel as if I failed him. So --well, maybe that's why I dream about him so much."
"What do you dream about him?"
"He makes comments about the things I do -- during the day."
"In reality -- you hardly knew him -- right?"
"That's true."
"Tell me about George."
So I did. I told him all about George, Jim and what we had done -- and about how George got married -- to a girl he hardly knew -- last weekend. I told it completely -- well almost as if it was someone else.
"So -- you don't seem too bothered by all this. What have you left out?"
"Did I tell you I bought him a ring?"
"No! What kind of ring?"
"Oh, Well,, it was gold with - "
"No, I mean what did the ring signify?"
"To me?" I said. "A circle means eternal. A ring is a circle."
"So -- when did you give it to him?"
"I didn't. I tried several times, but he always found a reason to make me wait."
"Do you suppose he didn't want a ring -- at this time?"
"He didn't know it was a ring. But before I could give it to him, he got married."
"OOO! That had to hurt!"
"Tell me about it!" I said. I felt the emotion coming up again.
"I can see you are still pretty wrapped up in it, Jack. I want you to take as much time as you need to let your emotions, your psyche, your subconscious -- to deal with it. But right now, let's go back a little." I was so close to tears. It's odd that when someone empathizes with you, it gives you permission to feel.
"Jack, I'm sure that you have told yourself over and over that Ralph's death was not your fault. And I'm equally as sure -- that you have thought of how you could have done something to save him. If only I had - ' or I should have - ' -- you've done that haven't you?" I gave him a chagrinned smile, as a small tear leaked out of my left eye.
"Well, guess what?" he said, almost cheerfully. "The reality is you COULD have done something. But the greater reality is something only you can answer. Under the circumstances, what would have been reasonable?"
I started to talk, but I was stunned by what he said. "I -- I - " My voice broke. I started over. Slowly and carefully controlled. "I DID feel like -- um -- like -- well, I mean -- I was half afraid of what he said to me the afternoon before we met."
"What did he say?"
"Something like, we should not wait too long, because he might not be around."
"And to you, that meant - - what?"
"It made me feel creepy. I re-ran it through my head over and over. But once we met -- and hugged -- I didn't feel so bad, I guess. But I can't shake the feeling that I could have done SOMETHING."
"What could you have done -- more than you did, Jack?"
"Stayed with him longer? I dunno! What I know is -- he's dead now because I DIDN'T do anything."
"You KNOW that's not true, Jack. Try to stop replaying that lie. Yes, it is true that you could have actually invited him home with you, IF he could have come and IF he WOULD have come. And THAT -- or maybe something else - probably may have saved him - - that night. But what was the reasonable chance, given your comfort level with him, and your degree of knowledge at that time -- of him? You had just met -- right?"
"Yes."
"What is the probability that you would reasonably have done anything more -- or different -- than you did?"
"Yeah, I know, but - "
"No -- no buts! We can only deal with reality here. Just answer the question."
"Um -- what was the question?"
"What's the reasonable probability that you would have done anything more -- or different -- than you did?"
I paused for a long moment. Seth didn't say a word, but only waited for my answer. I sighed audibly, shrugged my shoulders and said, "I guess very little."
"You guess?"
"Damn it! You're gonna take every - "
"That's right! I don't want you to have any excuse to retreat to the dream world where you keep accusing yourself. The reality is -- you met a guy. You hardly knew him. You talked and even hugged him -- but -- based on reasonable rationale, you hardly knew him. There was no way you caused, nor could have saved him from doing, what he did. Is that a reasonable representation of the facts?"
"Yes."
"And another thing -- did you identify with him?"
"What?"
"Did he stir something inside you -- that made you want to be with him?"
"Ohh yeah! Yes!"
"So -- YOU lost something -- something you had high hopes for."
"That's true. But then I met George."
"Too soon, in my opinion, but -- that's how things worked out. Now -- from what you have told me -- I gathered some impressions of George. What would be the thing that identifies George from others -- what makes his different?
"He - "
"Not so fast! Think about it. What is it that he is well known for -- in the circle of people you knew -- that knew him."
"There weren't that many."
"What was it?"
"Um -- maybe that he was undependable?"
"Hmm -- I got that, too, and it was from what you told me about him. And you said he was an only child, right?"
"Oh, yeah. He WAS spoiled. IS spoiled!" I retorted.
"M-hmm!" He said, and thought for a moment. Then he continued, "Jack -- what do you suppose drew you to him in the first place?"
"Umm -- you mean this year -- or back when we were kids?"
"Oh. Okay, then. Back when you were kids -- what drew you to him?"
Knowing if I answered immediately, He'd stop me, I strained my brain thinking about it. "I suppose it had a lot to do with geography. He lived three houses away -- around the corner."
"Is that all?"
"His house was in a new development -- much nicer than ours. And -- OH! He had lots of cool toys!"
"You liked his toys?"
"Yes, and -- he was not stingy with them. There was another kid -- a neighbor of another friend -- who had all the newest and coolest toys -- which he loved to show off, but he didn't allow anyone else to touch them."
"But George -- shared his cool toys, didn't he?" He said, looking deeply into my eyes, but it wasn't really a question.
"Omigod!" I said.
"What?" He said smiling.
"He STILL shared his toys with me! Everything he had was given to him by -- his parents -- his dad! He was still the same George as I knew in grade school -- sharing his toys!"
"Well, that's pretty admirable."
"Yeah, but - "
"But - - ?" Seth said expectantly.
"I am such and idiot!" I said.
"What? Why?"
"I was STILL blown away by his toys! His sports car. His beautiful house. His credit card! It's funny, but it bothered me -- at first -- when he took me to expensive places to eat -- and -- bought me expensive gifts. But then, I became used to it. Why then did I feel sorry for him?"
"You felt sorry for him?"
"Oh yeah! He seemed so lonely!"
"And -- Ralph -- was he lonely?"
"I can't imagine anyone offing themselves unless that's true."
"Hmm. Maybe. Let's talk about Jim a little."
"What about him?"
"Do you like him? Well, obviously you do. You want to make sure he is involved in your New Year's plans. What's he like?"
"Now, or before we met?"
"You knew what he was like before you met?"
"Yeah -- to some degree. He was extremely jealous of George being spoiled. And George hated being around him. Now they seem to get along fine -- I mean more than fine! Like, they're very close cousins now!"
"That's nice. What changed their relationship?"
"Um -- they both think it was my fault." I said.
"What did you do?"
"Nothing really. I only pointed out to them what was going on -- as I see it."
"Easy to do for someone else, isn't it?" He chuckled.
"Huh? Oh. I suppose."
"Isn't that what I'm kind of doing for you?" He said, but before I could answer he said, "Why is it that you were so concerned about Jim -- for New years? Did you have plans?"
"N-no. But -- I don't think he has any other friends, so I would prob -- ab -- bly -- be -- What?!!"
His smile was ear to ear. "You're a rescuer!" He said. "And maybe a peacemaker. The Bible says Blessed are the peacemakers'. I wonder why it doesn't say, blessed be the rescuers'?"
"Um -- be-cause -- um -- maybe -- people need to rescue themselves?"
"Maybe. If you aren't with Jim for New Year's Eve, where will he be?"
"Probably alone -- well -- maybe with his little brothers. But that's not where he wants to be -- I know that."
"Okay -- I have a suggestion. Not knowing George, or Jim personally -- or Ralph -- I only know what you have told me."
"Uh-huh." I said. "What's your suggestion?"
"Only that you see your relationship for what it is -- with Jim. Don't get too close -- just because he needs rescuing. Because I can almost promise you this: He needs to stand on his one feet. You can help him do that, but if he sees you as his rescuer -- he'll always feel intimidated and inferior to you. Do you want that?"
"That's how he felt toward George -- and he hated being around him."
"And if I remember it right -- George hated being around him too."
"That's true." I said. "so are you saying I should just let him be -- for New Years?"
"No. Just know what you are doing and why. Don't fall for a guy because you feel he needs you. Not in that way. We all need some things -- some characteristics -- in others. Sometimes it's what we lack. Partners should complete us -- but not carry us -- and vice-versa."
"Do YOU think I should invite him here for New Years?"
"I'm not gonna answer that for you. But I want YOU to ask yourself, `Do I want him here -- for me -- to be my date - "
"My date?" I asked.
"Isn't that what's on your mind? Isn't that why you came all the way up here to talk to me?"
He smiled and got up. Luke seemed to know we were done -- before I did. He came over. "You both have smiles. I'll take that as a good sign."
"Seth gave me a lot to think about."
"He usually does."
"And he made me feel good about my choices."
"He usually does!" Luke said, and grinned at his partner with a love I envied.
Notes: I know, I know! I like Jim too! But it's not about that! And it's up in the air now, isn't it? Comments are always welcome to Steve at stevethomas535@hotmail.com