This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it might not be very pure either! There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind if story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - - ENJOY!
Cast of characters:
Jack Smith -- uh -- that would be me
Billy -- Jack's closest brother, 3 yrs older.
Will Smith -- My dad
Vivian Smith My mom
Art -- Jack's oldest brother, 9 yrs older.
Ralph Gilmore -- a new friend - deceased
Stacy Whitworth -- a catalyst/friend
George Toliver -- old grade school buddy
George Toliver, Sr, -- (duh!)
Cynthia Toliver -- (Mrs. Duh!)
Jim -- George's cousin
From Chapter 13:
"Jack?"
"Yeah, Jim?"
"You're a great friend!" He said, and squeezed me harder.
"Me? Well, thanks, I guess, but it seems to me that YOU are the bigger person here."
"Well, anyway, I'm glad I was here for you!" He said. "Maybe I'll need some support someday. I'm so happy we met! I'm so happy that we can share so much with each other!"
"Me too, Jim - - me too!"
Chapter 14
Knock Knock!
"Come in!"
"Your brothers are here -- and the kids. It's time to -- what's wrong?" She said when she saw both of us. "Where's George?"
I thought I was fine. I wasn't! I tried to speak, and it came out in a croak. Jim took over: "George won't be here. He just got married -- in Palm Springs -- to a girl!"
"Oh. OOHHhh! Oh my! And this is the first you two heard about this -- this -- revelation? Do you want to skip dinner?"
"No -- I - " I started. "No, we'll be there. I need you guys right now."
"Okay, Honey, I'll put it off for a few minutes. Go wash your face and - " she looked at Jim's face, "FACES -- and we'll eat as soon as you get out there."
So, both Jim and I sucked it up (no pun intended!) and washed our faces and went to dinner.
Jim went home after dinner -- to be with his own family for Christmas Eve. I played with my nephews, and we opened some presents. After Art went home, I excused myself. I went to my room and closed the door. Then -- all alone -- it hit me. I saw the gift wrapped box with the ring in it I had spent way too much on -- and I gasped. Then the tears came for real!
I tried to be quiet. I barely noticed the door open. I subdued my crying. "Hey, Bro! Mom said you had quite a blow."
I turned and Billy was looking sad -- for me I assumed. "Dude! After what I saw a few weeks ago, I am shocked!"
I spoke as evenly as I could. "I know." I clouded up again, and waited a moment to speak again. "What am I doing wrong, Billy? First one guy commits suicide, and then . the next one -- up and marries a girl!"
"Are you looking for answers, Jacky?" He said. "Or just venting?"
"A little of both maybe." I said. By this time Billy was sitting on my bed, rubbing my back.
"Well, I gotta say, both events were pretty bizarre."
"That's my life!" I cried. "Bizarre!"
"Got any plans -- for the near future?" Asked Billy.
"I thought I did, but they just got thrown out the window!"
"Maybe you should take a ride up to Santa Barbara."
"Why?" I asked, suddenly completely at a loss where the conversation had gone.
"You should go up and talk to Seth. He's Jake's cousin -- but on the other side of Uncle Jake's family. He's not related to us. He's Aunt Lindy's nephew."
"Why would I need to talk to him?"
"One he's a psychologist and two -- he's gay! He might have some ideas."
"That would be weird! I don't even know him!"
"I don't know him well, but have met him. Well, you KNOW Aunt Lindy! She pressured me to come to dinner there last summer, when I was passing through. Seth was there. He is a super likeable guy. Before I knew what was happening, I was opening up to him and he was genuinely interested."
"Opening up?" I said.
"Yeah, me'n Carmen were having some problems. So I decided to take a drive up the coast -- to clear my head a little."
"And -- did you clear it?"
"Well, yeah! With the help of Seth. He's a reality therapist."
"So -- you think I've lost touch with reality, Billy?"
"Don't get defensive on me li'l bro! When things like this happen -- there is usually a reason. He may be able to help you find it."
"Oh, Hi Uncle Jake! This is Jack -- Smith -- your nephew?"
"Ohh! Jack! Nooo! You mean LITTLE Jacky? Haha! Hello! Lindy said you were in town a few weeks ago! And that you were in too much of a hurry to stop! Don't let that ever happen again!"
"Well, that's why I'm calling. I felt bad about that, and I'll be taking a drive up there again on the 26th."
"You mean day after tomorrow?"
"Yup! Hey, My brother Bill tells me that you have your other nephew, Seth staying with you - "
"Yes! We do! He's right here! Here he is, Jacky!"
"Uh - oh -- uh -- no! I mean - " Damn! I don't want to talk to him now!
"Hello?" Came a very young sounding voice
"Um -- hi!" I was so embarrassed. "I didn't expect Uncle Jake would put you on the line!"
"Don't ever try to anticipate anything anyone will do at the Smith house!" Said Seth.
"I heard that!" came Uncle Jake's voice in the back ground.
"So, what's up? You're Bill's little brother -- right?"
"Y-yeah. Dang, I am embarrassed."
"Why's that, Dude?"
"I was just wondering if you would be there when I came through -- day after tomorrow. I didn't think -- I mean expect -- that I would be talking to you."
"Haha! Well, if you DID expect to talk to me, what would you have said?"
Seth sounds about my age, but I know he's at least a couple years older than Billy.
"Uh -- heh -- okay. That I just lost my second boyfriend in a very short time -- and just wanted to talk to you. Actually Billy told me that you might be able to give me some advice. I feel really funny about it, myself."
"Nonsense! Actually I won't be here that day. My partner, Luke, and I have a planned trip to the mountains. We've been together almost 4 years, and he's never been to the Sierras. Luke's from Hawaii."
"Oh." I said. I couldn't hide the disappointment from my voice.
"But We'll be back on the 27th. We're only going for one night. How long were you planning to be here?"
"I -- uh -- didn't have any definite plan. I just had to get away for a drive."
"Must be something therapeutic in your family about driving. Seems like your brother showed up here with the same M.O."
"Heh! He told me! That's why he suggested I talk to you. I'll plan to be there that night. I can stay the night, then leave the next day -- after we talk." This time it was the excitement that I could not hide.
"Great, Jack! I'm excited too!" and he laughed. "I think you'll be easy to talk to!"
"Thanks! See yah!"
"Bye, Jack!"
Wow! He actually made me feel like he was the one who should feel intimidated! And that after talking to me - - he was much relieved. I can tell already I will like Seth!
Christmas was very nice -- if you consider I just lost my partner. I tried not to spoil it for everyone else. I wanted so much to be with -- and talk to -- Jim, but he was very busy with his family too. My dad was the one to single me out.
"Wanna talk?"
"I dunno." I sighed.
"Mind if I talk?"
"I guess not -- no. It's okay."
"Jack, I have some idea what you're going through. It's been a lot of years, but I was dumped once -- seemingly out of the blue -- like you. Jack, I know it hurts. I can remember thinking that nothing had ever hurt so much! Both your mother and I have been a little worried about you. You seem too -- um -- well, okay with it."
When he said that, a pain coursed all the way through my body, and then centered itself in my chest. "Dad, it hurts so much! I cried a lot last night. I don't want to spoil Christmas for everyone else. I DEFINITELY don't want everyone to feel sorry for me and baby me! I AM hurting, but -- I'll live."
"Let me tell you something else, Jack." Dad said. "If you haven't yet, you will start to feel some amount -- well -- a LOT of anger -- toward George. And maybe it's warranted. But I wanted to tell you one more experience I had.
"When you mom and I were dating, in high school, I thought things were moving too fast -- and needed to cool off -- or something. That's what it seems looking back on it. Anyway, I broke up with her, in 11th grade. It broke her heart. I could see that. But Jack -- I could feel it too. If there was anything to rival the pain I felt being dumped, it was the feeling of being the dump-ER. I felt such guilt, such very real pain -- having hurt someone else so badly."
"And, Jack, I did it out of choice. I don't agree that there was no choice in George's case, either, but I imagine that he felt trapped. The pity of it is -- he still is trapped -- maybe now more than ever."
"So -- I should feel sorry for George?" I said.
And I really did, after my dad's explanation. I felt sorry and if anything, my pain got worse, taking on my empathy for him too. I thanked Dad for his concern and love -- and words of wisdom, then excused myself to go to the bathroom. Dad went back into the living room and joined the rest of the family. I think he knew I needed to be alone for awhile.
I walked into the bathroom, closed the door, lifted the toilet lid and spilled everything that was in my stomach. I heard Christmas carols playing on the stereo. I heard the kids laughing and screeching they joy. I heard the other adults laughing and "making merry". The contrast hit me hella hard, and I cried as my empty stomach tried to heave more into the toilet.
I gingerly opened the bathroom door and stepped across the hall to my dark bedroom. I padded over to my bed and collapsed on it. I closed my eyes.
"Pretty bad, huh Dude?" It came as through a fog. I tried to focus, but it was dark and foggy. I was back down at the river bed. A dark figure stood in the shadow of the bridge.
"Ralph?" I said. I couldn't see him, but I just knew.
"Yeah, dude, it's me. Now maybe you won't think of me so harshly."
"Ralph -- I never did."
"Lots of people did."
"Ralph -- I can't imagine how bad you must have felt to -- to - "
"To off myself?"
"Yeah. But I didn't judge you, except to feel sorry that you were hurting so badly."
"Now it's your turn."
"My turn?"
"To hurt."
"I'm not feeling bad enough to kill myself." I said.
"Yeah -- don't! It's not worth it. Jack -- you take it with you. You can't take things with you, but you definitely take feelings. And -- it wasn't any relief at all! This is a beautiful place, but I can't fully enjoy it. If I had stayed, maybe I could have done something -- made some kind of peace with my parents - or something. Now I can't."
"The place -- you mean -- your in - "
"No -- not yet. Heaven is later. I'm in the spirit world. It's right here -- same as you are -- but everything's somehow brighter -- prettier. And somehow, I'm restricted to the realm I am in. Others come and go -- but I can't. I have unfinished business, and can't finish it until -- I dunno -- maybe until my parents -- and others -- come here too."
"Wow." Was all I could say.
"Jim's cute!" Said Ralph.
"Now I know this is a dream!"
"What? Yeah -- your dreaming, Dude. Wake up!"
I opened my eyes. Jim was sitting next to me on my bed. "How long have you been here -- what time is it?" I asked, startled to see him.
"Your dad let me in. Not long. It's 7:30."
"Wow! I slept 4 hours. It seems like it was only a few minutes. Was I talking in my sleep?"
"No. I just came in here and all I said was `Pretty bad, huh, dude.' Then you started mumbling something. I figured you were dreaming."
"I heard you say that! But I thought -- well, it doesn't matter."
"What did you think?" He pressed.
"I thought you were Ralph."
"Ralph? Oh! The dude that killed himself?"
"Yeah. So I built a whole dream around your comment. Yeah, it hit me the hardest last night and then again after the turkey dinner. I lost all of it -- down the toilet!"
"No shit?"
"Nope! All barf!" I chuckled, realizing the humor in it. "By the way, he thinks your cute!"
"Who?"
"Ralph!"
"Oh! Well, thank him for me the next time you see him! What're you doing tomorrow?"
"I need to get away. I'm taking a drive up to Santa Barbara."
"Do you need some company?"
"Dude! I'm devastated. I don't want to say no to you! But -- this is something I need to do - - alone. We can go another - "
"It's okay, really. I just thought maybe you DIDN'T want to be alone. Kinda stupid of me, really -- since you are going so far -- away from your family and all."
"No -- not at all. Thanks for thinking of me. But my uncle lives there. I'm gonna go have a visit. My cousin -- well, not a real cousin -- he's on the other side of Uncle Jake's family - but anyway, he's a reality therapist. He's gonna talk with me."
"Oh. So -- are you gonna be busy with your family tonight?" He said with a hopeful smile.
"Actually Christmas night, we usually go our separate ways."
"Us too." He said, smiling bigger.
"My brothers always used to have friends they liked to go see -- to compare loot and all. I used to go with Billy wherever he went. I never had many friends."
"I can't believe that!" said Jim. "How about George?"
"We pretty much lost contact after my family moved when we were in 4th grade. We just got together again when we met at Cerritos."
"Really? You were so tight with him, I thought -- you know it never occurred to me -- you weren't ever there after that time, when I visited, were you? Duh!" He shook his head in amazement.
"So -- anything special you wanted to do tonight?" I asked.
"Just hang out maybe -- I dunno. I don't know what it is, but -- I am always so at ease around you. Even when I saw you as some kind of competition -- for George, as impossible as that situation would have been -- I can't figure out what it is."
"Maybe it's just that we are both gay and it's -- um -- comforting or something to be with another guy who understands."
"Understands what?"
"Oh, I dunno. Just another guy who feels the same way inside. I get the feeling when I'm with people who know about me that they always are somewhat reserved or something -- because they don't want to say the wrong thing, or maybe even do something that might turn me on -- stuff like that.
Continuing, I said, "And when I'm with someone who DOESN'T know it's like I have this huge secret going on. That's no fun. Especially if they are talking and joking about girls and I have to -- well, ACT interested -- if I don't want them to know."
"I know. Do some people ever ask you?"
"Sometimes. I never see myself as fem or anything - "
"You're not!"
"Well, not to you -- or to me -- but there must be something that people see -- that alerts them, somehow."
"Yeah, I see what you mean."
"About - -?"
"The comfort thing. I do feel much more comfortable around you. Hey, can we take a walk -- in the park maybe?"
"Sure! Let me put my coat on -- er -- do you have a coat. It's getting cold outside."
"I'll grab one from home."
We walked out the gate into the park, and turned left to Jim's house. He hopped the fence and was back in less than a minute with his coat. We walked around the perimeter of the park, talking about nothing in particular. I wondered why it was he wanted to take a walk. I figured he wanted to say something. Finally, about the time we came back around to my yard, he said,
"Uhhm -- Jack?"
"Yeah?"
"I don't know how to say this without sounding or seeming presumptuous, but -- with George leaving us the way he did -- I mean getting married -- you and I -- seem to be left to fill a vacuum -- that he left. Thrown together, sort of. I know that you and he were tight -- as I said. It sounds like at least YOU were pretty serious, with the `forever' talk and all. I like you a lot -- I mean an AWFULLY lot!"
I wondered where he was going with this. "Yeah, I like you too, Jim."
"But -- DAMN, I don't want this to come out wrong -- but -- I don't want to move too fast, I mean - "
"Me neither." I said.
"What?"
"Jimmy, I felt really scared about what I was doing with Jordy - I mean George. I felt like we were moving too fast -- or it was too soon -- or maybe we were too young -- or something. But on the other hand -- I didn't want to lose him. Please don't tell anyone else, but -- as much as this hurt -- initially -- it's also a huge relief."
"Oh!"
"Really! And it really has helped to talk it out with you - to identify these strange feelings I have been going through today. I've felt a mixture of pain, relief and guilt -- all at once."
"Guilt?"
"Yeah, like -- um -- how could I lose his one day and feel so bad and then feel relief the next day?"
"Oh. I see. "Well, `glad to be of some help to you."
"Jim, I hope we will always be able to be buds, at least -- to be able to talk things out."
"Um -- Jack - ?"
"Yeah?"
"The -- uh -- things we did -- as a threesome -- with George -- I dunno -- that feels strange now too."
"I know. But, Jim, I don't want to discount the idea of you and I becoming MORE than buds. I just want to take it a little slower than George and I did."
"Yeah -- me too -- kinda."
"Kinda?"
"Well, yeah! Part of me wants to jump on top of you and get wild, I mean -- don't you - - ?"
I laughed. "Yeah, I do." We were standing at my gate. He dragged me aside, so no one inside could see us.
"Let's not make too much of this then." He said, and he brought his hand up and gently pulled my face into a kiss. My emotions were still pretty raw, and I reacted that way. I grabbed him and hugged him close.
"I better go in before we decide to do anything else -- as buds!"
"Haha! Yeah, I guess." He kissed me again and ran and jumped over his fence. I stood there for a minute or so watching the place where he disappeared, wondering what might become of Jim and Jack.
Notes: No, this isn't the end. I am in freefall though at this point. I know something good is in store for Jack, but I don't know what it is yet. Comments are welcome, to Steve at stevethomas535@hotmail.com. Thanks and love, Steve