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Written by: Nicky Smith
CHAPTER ONE: STARTING LINE
The day started like most other weekend days. I got up, ate a piece of fruit, today, a banana, and then went for a run. After my run, I went back to my apartment for a shower and a breakfast of Raisin Bran, a cup of coffee, and a glass of OJ while checking the news channels.
This morning though deviated from the norm after I'd been watching MSNBC for about an hour. The first deviation was the ring of my doorbell. I got up and went to the door and there stood my best friends, Alexis Knight, and Flynn Rhodes.
"Hey honey," Alexis said as she barged her way into my apartment followed by Flynn.
"What are you two doing up before noon?" I asked because that was a good question. They usually went out on Friday nights and got hammered and were then hung over the next day. I rarely went out with them on Friday nights as they were assured to be drinking and acting like fools and I didn't drink after a bad night during my sophomore year in college.
"Oh sweetie, we're here to take you out, and have a wonderful day," Flynn said as he picked up my remote and started flicking through the channels.
"Well I was gonna head to the gym in a while," I told them as I sat back down Today was upper body day with a focus on my chest.
"Your idea of a good time is going to the gym? We have failed you," Alexis said sounding so sad about my supposed lack of a life.
"Well now, it depends on which gym you go to. Some have some really good eye candy," Flynn said, and I had to high-five him.
Flynn and Alexis were my friends ever since the day I met them at a party during my freshman year of college. Alexis was a black girl with too much sass for one person, but she toned it down when she was interested in a guy, maybe even a little too much.
When you first saw Flynn, he came off as a macho, slightly hairy, tough guy, until he opened his mouth and you then realized that he was as gay as the day is long. Not to say that a guy couldn't sound the way Flynn does and be straight, the so-called `gay voice' thing notwithstanding. The point is that he just screams gay, especially if some guy is plowing him. Those are his words, not mine.
I sat down and polished off my OJ and coffee while Alexis and Flynn bickered back and forth. I just shook my head at them and took advantage of Flynn being distracted to grab the remote and change the channel back. This did not go unnoticed by Flynn though as he shot me a dirty look before going back to Alexis.
The second deviation came when my cell phone rang. I reached over and picked it up before Flynn did as he was reaching for it. He shot me another dirty look but followed this one up with a flirty wink. I shook my head at him while smiling as I looked at my cell and saw that it was my sister Sasha.
It's not that I wasn't close to her, it was just that we usually communicated through texts. It wasn't rare that we'd end the day having sent maybe over 100 texts to each other. I really loved her, and she was mostly the only person I was in touch with back home. Well, she and my friend Josh.
"Hey sis," I said as I answered the phone.
"Guess what?" She said sounding very excited.
"Pop died," I joked, but probably shouldn't have.
"Don't play like that. Why would I sound happy that Dad died?" She said, and I felt guilty for saying it. I mean, just because he hated me didn't mean she didn't still love him.
"I'm sorry. Now, tell me what's got you so giddy," I said while trying to ignore the way my friends were staring at me.
"Well, okay, I guess I'll tell you," she said like there was a chance she wasn't going to.
"Thank you for the blessing," I joked.
"I'm getting married," she said, well exploded with glee.
"Really?! Aren't you too young?" I asked. After all, she was only 21 and still in college.
"No, I'm not," she said a bit snippy.
"You're 21 and you're still in school," I said, and I heard the frustration with me over the phone. She got frustrated with things easily.
"I'm graduating early, in two months actually. As for being 21, so what? Some people have gotten married much younger than me," she said, and she was right. Our paternal grandparents had gotten married straight out of high school. They got divorced 10 years later after having 3 kids which is why I was worried.
"I'm just worried," I said, and I could hear it in my voice, so I knew she did.
"I know Judey, but I'll be fine. We really love each other, and he did it so romantically," she said. She was gushing by the time she was finished. I guess she would be fine. Sasha was very smart, and I wasn't surprised that she was graduating early. She was more mature than I was sometimes, and I was 4 years older than her. I decided to be happy for her.
"So, little Kenny is gonna take my sister away," I teased, and I knew I had hit the right button when I heard that frustrated sigh.
"His name is Kenneth," she said as I expected.
Kenny had been friends with my sister since they'd started kindergarten. They had grown up together and started dating when they turned 13. They had broken up about 5 times since they'd been together, but it never lasted longer than a week or two because they just couldn't stay away from each other. I wished for someone who loved me like they loved each other.
They would be "Sassy and Kenny" to me, even though I'd never say that out loud. I was brave enough to tease her about Kenny's name, but when she was 12, she demanded that we stop calling her by her nickname sassy. I was not brave enough to call her sassy to her face as I didn't want her to kick my ass. Yes, I was afraid of my little sister and I wasn't embarrassed to admit it.
"So, when is the big day?" I asked her. At this point, Alexis and Flynn were being so nosy that they were practically trying to peer into my head.
"In a month," she said and, that was soon.
"Okay," I dragged out.
"Don't tell me you can't come," she said sounding like she was dreading me saying just that.
"I'll probably be able to get a few days off," I said even though I didn't know for sure. Usually, we needed to schedule time off at least 2 months in advance.
"Nuh-uh, you'll need at least 2 weeks," she said, and huh?
"What? Why two weeks?" I asked. It couldn't have taken that long to get married.
"There are things that need to be done and the whole family needs to be there," she said, and it was stupid that I just now considered this.
"The whole family?" I asked.
"Yes, the whole family," she said sounding a bit incredulous.
"Oh," I said trying to hide how dejected I felt.
"Jude, are you okay?" Sasha asked. I didn't wanna upset her when she was so happy.
"I'm good. I'm happy for you and Kenny," I said to get at her again.
"His name is Kenneth," she said sounding frustrated which made me giggle.
"Okay, I'll see what I can do work-wise and get back to you," I said, and I hoped that was good enough for her. The sigh I heard on the other end told me it wasn't though.
"I hope you're not thinking about missing my wedding," she said and while some would say that it was an innocent statement, I heard the implied threat.
"Of-of course not," I stammered. She let out another sigh.
"Look, I'm sure you can find a way to avoid dad if that's what your problem is," she said, and if only it were that simple.
"I don't have a problem. I told you I'll see what I can do but getting a whole two weeks off work is gonna be tough," I said trying to reason with her.
"I said at least two weeks. I expect three," she said, and I shook my head at how bossy she was.
"I'll see what I can do," I said through gritted teeth.
"I'll see you when you get here," she said cheerfully before ending the call.
"So," Alexis dragged out
"She's getting married in a month and wants me to come and stay there for three weeks," I said dreading this already.
"Three weeks? That's a long time for guests to stay for a wedding," Flynn said, and I agreed.
"Thank you. She is so bossy," I said before I dropped down in my chair. I was considering changing her nickname from Sassy to Bossy.
"Why do you let your little sister boss you around like that?" Alexis asked with an amused smile on her face.
"Because I grew up being told that I had to take care of her and never hurt her or let anybody else hurt her. She always got her way. Fortunately, she never abused her power, much," I said, and while Flynn looked like he understood, Alexis being an only child just squinted at me.
"When was the last time you went home?" Flynn asked likely seeing my dread about going back there.
"I haven't been since I left for college," I said, and he frowned but nodded.
I should probably explain my reluctance to return home. There are two reasons really, but I'll only get into one right now. I've known that I was different for a long time. I figured out how when I was 13 and my best friend Josh asked me to come over because he had something to show me. I went like the dutiful friend and once we were safely locked in his room, he led me to his computer and typed something in. The site loaded and I was assaulted with images of naked people, mostly women.
Yes, he had discovered the world of internet porn. We hadn't done so sooner because he had just recently been allowed to have his own computer and his family got him a new computer for his room. Well, he showed me all the stuff he had seen so far on the site, especially the naked women. This was the first time I'd seen a naked lady and I was stunned to find out that it wasn't doing anything for me. The naked men were making me feel things, though.
As we looked at pictures on the site, I started to realize that I'd had these feelings before whenever I'd seen a guy that was known to be good-looking. They were just a million times more potent now. Josh called my attention to the fact that I had a boner. Fortunately, there were mostly pics of women on this page. The guy was the one that had inspired the boner though. Thankfully, Josh assumed it was the women.
I did my own research and just as I had figured I had to be gay as women did nothing for me sexually and men did. I didn't tell anyone my dirty little secret until I was sixteen and my sister and I were at the park. We were sitting down enjoying Ice cream cones when these two guys walked by us with no shirts on. They were hot and I couldn't stop myself from staring.
After about a minute of ogling them, I looked to see my sister looking at me with a strange look on her face. She was 12 at the time but she knew enough to ask me if I was gay, which she did after a minute of thinking that she wasn't gonna say anything about it. I could have lied to her or made up some excuse for why I was staring at those guys, but for some reason, I didn't. I told her that I was, and she stared at me for the longest time. After a bit, she shrugged and laid her head on my shoulder, and resumed licking her ice cream cone. Later that night while I was in the bathroom brushing my teeth she came in and hugged me and told me that she loved me no matter what. I didn't tell anybody else until... Well, that's a story for another time.
Anyway, I didn't tell my family until the night of my high school graduation. My mother was stunned. My father though was belligerent. He yelled and ranted and raved about queer this and fag that. I was thankful that neither my sister nor my two little brothers, who were 8 and 6 at the time, were there.
One of the things I remember most that hurt was when he asked if I had touched my brothers. The fact that just because I was gay, he thought I was also a pedophile and that I'd molest my own brothers was like a sledgehammer to the gut, even with everything else he'd said. I told him no and that I couldn't believe I had to answer such a question. He told me that "my kind" were known to be predators. My mother, having been silent through this whole thing finally jumped in and told him to apologize for saying that. Not the other shit he'd said, just that.
That was the last straw for me. I left the room and went upstairs to pack up as much of my stuff as I could. I guess they just thought that I went up to my room to hide or something because they were surprised when I came back downstairs with bags of my clothes. I told them that I was leaving so they wouldn't have to be scared that I'd molest their kids. My mother looked sad and regretful, but my father just glared at me.
I took all of my stuff that I could out to my car with my mother trying to convince me not to leave all the while. I managed to pack all my essential things into my car and gave my mother her house key back. I left their house that day and have never been back in seven years. My mother and sister visited me in college, and they tried to get me to come home for visits, but I didn't go. I haven't seen my dad or my little brothers in person since I left home.
Anyway, that's the story of how my family found out about me. Well, my parents and sister. I don't even know if my brothers know about me. I felt bad that I didn't have a relationship with them anymore, but I didn't want their father to accuse me of being a pedophile again, so I ceased contact with them.
"Are you sure you wanna go back there?" Flynn asked me with a sympathetic look on his face. He got me because he had his own tumultuous relationship with his family.
"I kinda have to. I don't wanna piss Sasha off. She can be mean when she's pissed," I said as she had a way to make you feel like shit when you pissed her off and she didn't even really have to do anything.
"Then we'll go with you. To the Ozarks!" Alexis proclaimed. I rolled my eyes.
"I'm not from the Ozarks," I said as I shook my head. I was trying to hide a smile though that they were able to get out of me whenever I was in a funk.
"Well, whatever backwoods you're from," she said dismissively.
"Do you think you two can get three weeks off? I don't know if the company can spare three employees for three weeks," I said as I was unsure of just my ability to get three weeks.
"Trust me. I have connections. I'll get us the time off, with pay if you want," Alexis bragged. I was about to respond but my cell rang again. This time it was my friend Josh Parker from back home.
"Hey dude," I said as I answered my cell.
"Did Sasha call you today?" He asked. He sounded like he was trying to keep from saying something.
"Don't worry, she called and told me she's getting married," I said, and I heard a breath of relief over the phone.
"So, you're coming home, right?" He asked hopefully. Josh was another person that was always trying to get me to come back home.
So, about Josh. He's been my best friend since we were eight. In our small-ish town, there weren't that many Black families. The ones that lived in my town had kids that were younger than me, so my best friend was the skinny little white nerd who was braver than most.
He got into all kinds of stuff, even for our town. I tagged along to keep him out of trouble. When we entered high school though he went from book nerd to jock. He played baseball and football. I was on the track and swimming teams and briefly played baseball until I realized it wasn't for me. I loved running though, so I went into it. There was even talk of my training for the Olympics, but I wasn't interested in all that. I just wanted to run for myself.
Anyway, Josh and I were as close as friends could be. We did everything together, even losing our virginity. Funnily enough, it was to twins Dana and Darla Baker. They were very pretty girls and they did everything together too. We dated them for about a month beforehand. I knew that Dana mostly only wanted to have sex with me because I was Black, but I was kinda using her too, so I wasn't too pressed about it.
I wanted to keep the truth about myself secret from Josh so I did everything I could to pass. I dated girls, I did the typical "guy" things, and I made sure to never spend too much time looking at another guy. It worked because Josh still doesn't know about me to this day, at least as far as I know. If he does know he hasn't said anything to me about it.
He could only have learned about it from my family and I don't see my dad proclaiming his oldest son was a fag and both my mother and sister told me that they hadn't told him. I also didn't see him learning from... Well, let's just say that anybody he could have heard it from wouldn't tell him and he couldn't have learned it from my social media because it's very vanilla so he should be none the wiser.
"I can't promise anything," I said even though I knew that I was planning on doing everything I could to get the time off. I didn't wanna incur the wrath of my sister.
"Aw, come on dude. If your sister's wedding won't get you back here what will?" He pleaded desperately.
"I told you I'd see what I can do," I said. I was starting to enjoy teasing him.
"You're mean," he pouted.
"You know you can always come here," I said but I wasn't really being fair. He always came here when he wanted to see me, but I never went back home to see him.
"I always come there. Why can't you come back here? What's so bad about this place that you haven't set foot in it in seven years?" He asked, well more whined. He was right and I was starting to lose my teasing mood.
"You know why," I said, and I hoped that was enough
"Judey, don't you think it's time you and your dad patched up things between you?" He asked, and okay, he kinda knew one of the reasons I didn't wanna go back there. About 4 years ago he dragged out of me why I didn't wanna come back home. I told him part of the truth, that I had had a big fight with my dad the night I left. I just didn't tell him what the fight was about.
"Nope," I said simply because I wasn't about to talk to that man who accused me of being a pedophile who would molest my own brothers just because I was gay.
"Dude, please try. I wanna see you. I haven't seen you in a long time," he said, and I missed him too. It had been almost a year since I'd last seen him.
"I'll try," I said, and he let out a deep sigh.
"Well, I hope to see you soon dude," he said, and I almost broke with how sad he sounded.
"Yeah, maybe," I said. He let out another deep sigh before ending the call.
"Why were you messing with him like that?" Alexis asked. She was frowning but Flynn was smirking. I guess he knew it was all in good fun, at least for me.
"Because it was fun. He'll get over it once I show up," I said. I still dreaded going home but I had to be the good brother and make my sister happy. I just had to keep that in mind so I could survive going home again.
Well, here I am, packed and ready to go home for the first time in seven years. I was tempted to sleep in, but my brain wouldn't let me. I was wide awake at 5 am and pissed off with my own mind.
Alexis had been true to her word and ability. She had gotten all three of us off for three weeks with pay. I was suspicious of how she managed this. She just laughed it off, but I'd find out how.
They called at 7 am and told me they were on their way over so we could hit the road. As I waited for them, I tried to calm the nervousness I was feeling. I had tried to convince myself that it was no big deal but as the day of departure drew closer, my nerves got worse.
"We're here," Flynn said in singsong as he knocked on my door.
"Why are you so chipper?" I snapped as I opened the door.
"Geez, what crawled up your ass?" Alexis asked as she scowled at me.
I took a deep breath to calm myself. I grabbed my bags and the gift I was getting my sister and headed out the door. I went down and packed my stuff away in my car and let Alexis and Flynn put their bags in my car as well. I went back up to my apartment to check on everything. Make sure the gas was off, check to see that the windows were locked, and stuff like that. Once I was sure everything was straight, I locked up and headed down to my car to waiting friends.
I hopped in and tried to calm my nerves again. I managed to do a good enough job to start the car. I drove until I hit the highway and strangely my nerves settled, and I felt better. Maybe it was just a temporary thing, but I hoped not.
"On the road again, going to the boondocks on the road again," Alexis sang in an overly exaggerated southern accent before she busted out laughing when I glanced at her.
"Very funny Lex," I retorted but I smiled, nonetheless.
"What is the Boondocks anyway?" Flynn asked as he scooted so he was close to Alexis and me in the front seat.
"Just think of the show Green Acres," Alexis answered, and I rolled my eyes at her.
"What's Green Acres?" Flynn asked, and it was so very much a question that he'd ask. He wasn't dumb or an airhead, he just has these slight quirks.
"You've never seen Green Acres?" Alexis asked incredulously as she looked back at him.
"I only watch TV from this century," he replied.
"You don't watch TV from the '90s? You were born in the '90s," I told him but I'm sure that didn't matter to him.
"There weren't any reality TV shows on then," he said like it completely made sense.
"Thank God," both me and Alexis said together before laughing at our unison response.
"You two just don't know what quality TV is," Flynn grumbled before sitting back in his seat.
"Yes, we do and reality TV ain't it," I said as I spared a glance at the rearview mirror to see him.
"Yeah, and I suppose game shows and news channels are `quality TV'?" He asked. My thing was a near-obsession with the 24-hour news channels, and Alexis was really into game shows and her TV rarely left the Game Show Network.
"Yeah," Alexis and I said together after looking at each other for a second. It was something we all did. Two of us would team up to give the other shit about whatever they were going on about at that moment. It was all in good fun though and we never took it seriously.
That was why I loved these two people because they were easy to talk to and seemed to understand me a lot. Don't get me wrong, I was close to Josh too, but I didn't feel comfortable telling him I was gay. I told the two of them after one week of knowing them, although I was mostly sure that Flynn wouldn't care.
They busied themselves talking about this and that while I tried to not think about a lot of things, one very important thing in particular. I knew at some point that I would have to return home, but I always saw it as a far-off thing. I guess 7 years is far-off though.
I'll admit that I missed some things from home like going to George's Shack, a place where all the high school kids hung out on the weekends. It was what you could call a diner with a mix of retro and modern. We hung out there and had a good time. Girls would be all over Josh, and me by association. Though I could pull my own girls if I wanted them, which I didn't.
The summer didn't start until Felix Hammond had his annual party out on his grandfather's land. It was basically a group of teens around a lake with tunes, illegally acquired alcohol, and some fooling around from some people. It started the first weekend of summer break and would last all weekend.
The tree house in the field behind our house. My granddad owned the land behind ours and practically forced my dad to help him build me a tree house when I was 10. Josh and I hung out there a lot, especially during the summers until we got "too old" for it.
I stayed mostly in my head, deep in thought and reminiscing for most of the trip. Alexis jarred me out of my head for a moment briefly to check if I was okay. I told her I was, and she nodded her head. I guess they were trying to understand and be supportive. After a brief stop at a convenience store to let Flynn "tinkle", I returned to my walk down memory lane, making sure to avoid certain avenues. I was pulled from my introspection yet again after a while by Alexis and Flynn animatedly looking around. It was almost amusing, almost. We were pulling into my hometown.
"Wait, I thought you said you grew up in the boondocks?" Alexis said as she frowned at me.
"I did not. I said I come from a small town and you automatically assumed it was the boondocks. That I was a Black hillbilly that done comed up thar to the big city," I said adding that last part in a faux hillbilly tone.
"Very funny," Alexis pouted as Flynn laughed.
"It'were funny too. I can't help if y'all womenfolk don't got nary a sense of humor," I said in my best impression of Jethro Clampett and Flynn practically cackled. Alexis pouted more.
"You think you're cute but you're not," Alexis said before she rolled her eyes at us.
"I'll have you know I'm adorable," I teased. Alexis just clicked her tongue.
"Don't listen to her sweetie. You are adorable," Flynn said in his flirty voice.
"Jeez Flynn. You can ease up. Jude isn't gonna give you a ride," Alexis said. It was mostly a joke based on the fact that Flynn was very flirty with me when we first met.
"I'll have you know that I could get a ride if I wanted," Flynn said arrogantly.
"Excuse me?" I said. One thing I didn't like was cocky men and Flynn knew this.
"You think you can get anybody you want just because of your body," Alexis accused.
"I'm a muscular hairy guy. I'm a hot commodity in the community," Flynn gloated.
"You're a white gay. A dime a dozen," Alexis rebutted.
"Alexis!" I said as she had a way to make me believe she meant it when she was just joking with us.
"Well," Flynn said very dramatically complete with his "clutch the pearls" pose. "When we get to Judey's house I'm gonna lie on his bed and write about this affront to my person in my diary," he said in his best drama queen act and added a sniffle to sell it.
"Now see, he's gonna write in his diary," I said while trying to keep a straight face.
"One of these days," she mumbled followed by some unintelligible mumbling.
"I'm sure," I said as I patted her arm.
"Speaking of your little town. It's cute and quaint. I could see myself growing up here, if I weren't as fabulous as I am," Flynn said in his most dramatic.
"How much has changed," Alexis asked. I was trying to keep my nerves under control.
"Not much," I said as I looked around. Not much had changed in 7 years.
"Wait, stop!" Flynn shouted. I got flustered and almost lost control of the car.
"What?!" Both Alexis and I shouted at the same time.
"Stop! Stop the car!" Flynn shouted again. I pulled the car to a screeching halt.
"What? What is it?!" I asked almost in a panic.
"I saw this guy," Flynn said as he was looking out his window and the back window. "Damn, I lost him," he said sounding disappointed.
"Are you serious? You almost made me crash the car," I said as I tried to keep my cool.
"You didn't see this unbelievable specimen of dreaminess," Flynn said almost swooning.
"Oh please. If there was a guy like that that lived here I would have known," I said as I had cataloged all the good-looking guys in town during high school, both teen and adult, and nobody I knew fit his description, at least not enough to crash my car over.
"Well, you have been gone for 7 years. Maybe he moved here during that time," Alexis added.
"Yeah Jay, he could be a recent hunky addition to your hometown," Flynn said, and I rolled my eyes.
"Oh please. If he moved here and stayed then it's almost assured that he's straight," I said as I started in the direction of my house again.
"You lived here and you're not straight," Flynn said, and while true didn't discount my argument. Well, it almost didn't.
"I'm an anomaly," I said and they both snorted.
"It's nice that you finally admitted it out loud," Alexis said as she patted my arm to Flynn snickering.
"Just for that you two are sleeping in the barn with Bessie the Cow," I said and they both looked affronted. Truth was that I lived in a normal house with no barn and no cow named Bessie.
They both chose to be quiet then. I actually wished for their banter as I wheeled through the roads of my hometown. Memories both pleasant and unpleasant threatened to get to me but I managed to keep them at bay as I neared the house I grew up in.
After a few more minutes I arrived at my street and the wave of emotions at finally coming home after 7 years washed over me. They are filled with regret, disappointment, heartbreak, and shame. As I pulled up in front of the house that I grew up in one very familiar that I remember vividly comes to the surface: Anger.
to be continued....
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