J O Y by Reggie Tangan
Disclaimer: all of the characters portrayed here are used fictitiously, and used for entertainment purposes. Any resemblance to the characters and situations are purely coincidental.
This story is for adults only; if you don't like sexual themes, please leave immediately.
for reactions, critiques please send me an email at reggietangan@edsamail.com.ph or visit my website at http://www.reggietangan.cjb.net/joy
"Ordeals and Points"
"Cousin!"
"Cousins?" As I look both Paolo and Paulie, they both shook hands and looked at me. Together they said...
"Jethro?" They looked at each other and realized. Paolo knows my first love, but he didn't realize it was his cousin who came back from Cebu. Paulie didn't know the person was I crazy in love was his cousin.
"Jethro?" They looked again at me.
I wanted to die.
Immediately, I thought of something graceful to leave the premises and run away. Which I did.
"I'm sorry. I have to go." I said, jumped out of Fidel and ran off and hailed the nearest taxi cab I could find.
"Jethro, wait!" Paolo said. A small chase ensured out. Both Paulie and Paolo followed me out, trying to make me stay.
"Come on. Don't do this. Don't run away." Paulie followed on.
Everything is getting blurry. I didn't want to think this was happening to me. And my love life is getting worse, and my past is catching up.
"Jethro! You're middle-aged. Stop running away like a kid." Travis shouted. Then everybody started to chase me down on Nakpil Street. I didn't mind the people outside the bars in that street watching the small drama scene happening in front of their eyes.
"Great. This is nice." Alex said. Ken who was still silent kept on the shy mode and just joined the new fray after me.
"Please. Leave me alone. I just can't take this anymore." I said.
Finally, I got myself a cab and told the cab driver to take anywhere but here. Immediately I turned off my phone so that the guys would not contact me in anyway. My head started to spin with thoughts and more of them seemed to fall down like leaves in an autumn day.
Instead of running back to my place I went to someone who could help me out in this sudden occurance of problems. He didn't live far though. I knew he's be the only one capable of answering so many questions in a span of two hours, or else.
"Chris, it's me Jethro." I buzzed him on his front gate in his home in Magallanes Village. I wanted to see him, and just pour all whats inside of me thats not good.
"Unexpected, I presume," He said, opening the gate to let me in his humble abode, "What's wrong? What happened?" He started to ask questions.
I slumped on his couch, tears began to flow from my eyes. Instantly, Chris knew I was in big trouble or in some derranged issue I couldn't handle.
"Is it about you and Paolo, again?" He asked, he brought out a box of Kleenex in hopes of clearing my eyes full of tears, though, I kept on crying, as if the world ended just like that.
"Terrible, just terrible. I just can't take it." I said. I told about the whole Paolo, Paulie thing. Which is totally out of control.
"So, you're telling me you still love Paulie, but you've somehow moved on with Paolo?" He looked at me, sounding a bit like a litigator, and he seemed to understand this new thing that's not making me feel good.
"A major conflict of interest." I replied. Chris has this sort of comfort that is very special to me. As if he was a second father to me, he could tell what I'm doing wrong and tell me what do to to make things right again.
"If you think you've moved on, just tell Paulie you've moved on." He suggested. It did cross my mind, but my relationship with Paulie was something to be remembered and I'll be having a hard time trying to forget what he had in high school.
"I tried, but it don't seem to work." I told him. "Well, somebody has to leave the picture to keep your sanity." He said. "Wait. Don't tell me I have to..." "I'm not telling you to break up with Paolo," he interrupted, tyring to avert my mind to another nonsense thought, "Just tell him you still love Paulie, because he was your first love."
Chris somehow cleared up my mind.
The next day, calls came pouring in from my landline phone and my 3315 Nokia cellphone. Of course, most of them are from Travis and Alex. A small minority comes from Paulie and most especially Paolo, who felt really clueless to what happened.
I wanted to ignore every possible moment that happened last night. I just wanted to have a normal love life, but I guess fate has other plans for me.
I finally got fed up with all those ringing in my ears. So I grabbed the nearest communicating device that rang.
"Hello?" I soddened up slowly. "Jethro, it's me..." It was Paolo. "Hey. What's up?" Trying to be nonchalant to what happened the other night. My faint crying started to disappear and tried to smile not just for Paolo but for me as well.
"I just called to say how you're doing." He said. I felt a tinge of love coming from him, it somehow cleared a few doubts in my head, but I kept my guard, he was still Paulie's cousin.
"I'm fine, I guess," I wanted to lie but somehow I felt fine from Paolo's concern, "Really, I am, pretty much." "That's good, sweetie," he answered back, "You know I'm always there for you." "I know, I know, but right now I'm pretty disgruntled at the moment." I told him, from the whole Paulie thing. "I didn't know you had a thing with Paulie." He said. "That thing was real Paolo, not just a thing." I reminded him. "Sorry," He apologized, "I'm pretty clueless." "I'm not blaming you, its just..."
I was still in shock that Paulie and Paolo are connected to each other. I didn't like the idea of sudden major conflict of interest. My high school lve just pops out of nowhere wanting me back, yet I'm trying to move on but the pangs from the past still exists.
I couldn't tell whether I've moved on or I'm still stuck in my fantasy that resembles my past.
"I'm just confused, that's all." I finally tld him. "I know, I guess you still love my cousin until now," he said, "I've been there, you know, 'First love never dies.'"
He was right, but I'm trying to move on.
"Right now, I can't think of something that would make me feel better." I told him. I wanted to ask how was Paulie. I really wanted to. "How's Paulie?" "Oh yeah, Paulie left this morning," Paolo said, "When he saw me and you and the thing at Fidel he pretty much figured it out." "No." I slumped on my bed, surprised sadly, "What did he tell you?" "He said he still wants to be back there, whatever that means." "I don't want to go back there." I mustered up a bit of strength trying to move on with Paolo.
"Are you sure?" "Yeah. I'm sure."
That was it. I'm moving on, but on the contrary I wanted to forget all about Paulie and high school. Though so many memories lie there and still wanted to be remembered, I wanted to prove something that I wasn't stuck at something. I just want to look forward to something.
But I'll always remember the past that lead me there.
Travis at all was trying to help me go through this ordeal of having a major conflict of interest between Paolo and Paulie. Good thing he managed to bring in some pints of Le Cremeria Ice Cream and a bunch of wafers be bought from 7-11.
"Well thank God he's going back to Cebu." He said. "I hope so, but I know it's not for good." I told him, maybe. "Crappy. But I want to know. Are you still in love with Paulie?" Travis asked, wanting to know what I really feel about him. I wanted to lie to my friend. But I thought, if I wasn't true to myself so why do I have to lie to my friends?
"I can't say." "I won't tell." "I'm still..." "I know, I know."
Tears were soon flowing again on my eyes, wanting to tell the whole world I was still in love with Paulie. Sometimes, I couldn't figure it out why am I still in love with this guy, until now.
"I don't know what to say," Travis scooped a spooonful of ice cream on my bowl, "Just remember, you're with Paolo. You've moved on, right?" "I'm trying," I said. "You're not trying hard enough," Travis said, giving me the bowl filled with strawberry ice cream, trying to convince me. "You'd better try more harder. Can't you see? Your past is destroying you."
I wanted to nod in agreement, but the idea of forgetting Paulie is a bit harder than it sounds.
"I'll do it in my own terms." I said.
Alex felt totally unfazed about that thing at Fidel last Saturday, him and Ken Tatlongreyna continued to make the connection with each other. With that as early as possible, Alex and Ken made a reality check whether they had emotional baggage existing in their lives.
Fortunately, there was none.
"We're on the second level of the relationship." Alex boasted. "Is there such as thing as relationship levels?" Travis asked. Then looked at me for a clearer explanation. "Don't look at me. I'm no Carrie Bradshaw." I commented. "There is, trust, intimacy, and most of all honesty." Alex said as he wrote a few notes on his PDA.
We were at KFC, wanting a dose of chicken frou-frou and more on that Travis has a thing for that new guy promoting that chicken. One of the memorable moments of that KFC commercial was the time when the guy licks off the gravy that dripped on his shirt.
"Absolutely sexy." He said. "Absolutely gross." Alex said, as he made a imaginary puking sound. "Absolutely nothing that makes me feel interested by that Greg Martin guy." I said, feeling a bit cold.
Though, the Greg Martin really loooked hot and even hotter being one-fifth of the boy band 'Powerboys' Travis knew he wants to make ends meet and meet Greg Martin.
"Greg Martin really rocks my world." Travis said, as if he could get the guy and make him a living manifestation of his desire and hot-one-night- flings.
"Maybe you should put your house on Manila's guide to hotspots," Alex suggested. "Always open twenty-four-seven."
Come to think of it Travis never really had a long relationship with anyone. Except that certain someone not long ago.
Travis was learning to mix some dance CDs from some really not-so-hot guy but somehow got the cut because he knows how to make good dance music. Besides, Travis was feeling a bit musical these days.
"I'm telling you," Travis said. "I've never felt this good since my last blow job at the zone." He told me once. Right now since getting all of that DJ stuff he's buying more CDs than ever before.
Travis turned to one surly guy once in a party at Culture Club in Alabang. He didn't really feel gay that day so he wanted to be overly butch or something. Nevertheless he was also looking for that homey kind of love he wanted from well, homies from the southside or whatever that meant. Though that didn't stop him for looking for a sort of 'homey' kind of guy willing to grind his way to him.
Oh, I'm overdue, give me some room, coming through. Travis thought. He was trying to be like Christina Aguilera. Sort of being 'dirrty' but in a really wholesome way. He wore a black cut-off shirt, the word 'Rock Star' was shining on the front side. He also sported a black bandana and layered a sporty black Sean John baseball cap. To drop things of, he wore a black yet silvery pants. Complete? I don't think so. He decided to go Culture Club alone. But he was looking forward to a swing a bit.
He came inside the bar as if he was the star of the moment. All of the people inside Culture Club were actually looking at him, staring at every move he made. He felt like the noticable goldfish in a small bowl. But who cares? Travis liked it.
"Double vodka tonic, please." He ordered the bartender. The totally clueless people were still looking at him. If I was there being looked at, I would feel a bit paranoid. But knowing Travis, he was the looking sharp as ever.
"Hey, Travis, you stud!" One guy approached him and introduced him as someone very hardcore hip-hop but still presentable for him. Let's call him Diddy. With his Sean John threads and cool Timbalands. Our very own Travis was crossing barriers with music and with the crowd.
"That was it," Travis told me, "Being in another place other than Malate was really, really cool." and he was loving it. I guess Travis wanted to break the mold from his social clique. Of course, it was only a one moment thing, and told us: "I just go to Culture Club solely for the music. You know."
"Know what?" I asked.
"Knowing hip-hop music is really sexy in a way, and that the sheer idea of grinding is really great, without the sexual attachment." He said. But this was different. Diddy was quite curious about Travis' world. Maybe it was all the sexual thing.
"It was fine for Diddy to come to me to learn a few moves on the bed." Travis said, "Unlike Ken, he is on a sort of confusion. He's young, he's frustrated, maybe sexually-deprived. Not that I liked Ken, but when Alex told me all of their well, shall we call them intimate moments." And it made me think. The more desperate you are for sex. Will you cross sexual barriers just for the sake of sexual gratification?
So he hooked up with Diddy. At first the young hipster was a bit doubting dating a gay guy. He admitted it was his first time to hang out with one.
"I'm not homophobic, actually, it's totally flattering." Diddy said, though he was a bit hesitant. But he was taking a risk. He thought the idea of having an 'older' person to be with. The attachment, the sexual intimacy, and all the perks of being sexually curious.
Travis went for the subtle approach on putting Diddy in the mood. He went to lengths to make Diddy enjoy his first gay sexual encounter. Then we went to Travis' sensual pad. The candle lights, the rose petals, and with one final note: chocolate.
All of the dripping started the mood. The oozing Hershey's made Diddy's mouth water. Each time Travis placed his tongue over around Diddy's wide chest. With each slither the young hipster groaned in sheer ecstasy.
Later on he admitted that their sexual romp was one of the best sexual encounter he ever had. The next day, Saturday. Diddy was nowhere to be found back there at Culture Club. Nobody knew where he was or what happened to him. Except for Travis. He admitted to me that Diddy opened up his feelings for men. He had a sexual awakening and he really digged men secretly. Surely, Travis became a sort of a mentor and an older 'fuckbuddy.' So when Diddy gets restless, he just calls him up and do the romp. With good results.
"So if I made out this shirt and place a few incriminating sequins and a bit of rhinestones. What do you get?" Paolo asked. Showing a black shirt with torn sides and a bunch of sequins and rhinestones forming a really cute butterfly. "A very gay t-shirt." I chuckled, as Paolo tries to humor me in his usual antics at Tonj. "I can't tell if this is a gay guy shirt or some slutty girl tee."
"See? I made you smile, you're back to your normal self again." He said. With another look at the shirt. "It's a unisex shirt. Anyone can wear it." "I guess."
The hurt about Paulie was still inside. But I kept it real good.
"Paolo, I have to tell you, Paulie really changed my life when we were still together back then." I started to talk about him. Paolo started to avert his gaze from the shirt to me. He was actually listening.
"Maybe some things remain and cannot change." I continued. Paolo got the idea that I was still in-love with Paulie but in a sense that my life wouldn't be this complicated without him.
"I guess without much of Paulie's guidance in coming out I wouldn't have met you, the person I want to spend my life with." The burden that was in my chest felt lifted and that I was breathing better and Paolo with a small kiss on the cheek understood the situation I'm in to.
"It's hard to forget your first love," he said, his hand gently carressed mine in hopes of comforting me in my time of dire need.
"I want to have this relationship with you," I said. "For keeps."
"So are we going to Club Mint/Babylon?" Paolo asked. "Yeah, it's already nine," and I looked around, I realized I didn't bring an extra shirt to go. "Well, this shirt could help," as he gave the black shirt with torn sides and a bunch of sequins and rhinestones forming a really cute butterfly. "Awww, for me?" I looked at him, as if innocent. "Yeah, this shirt is totally for you, and only you can pull it off." "You sure?" "You know, I always am sure."
After an hour at Paolo's pad. We proceeded to our hangout at Malate. Alex was there with Ken. Travis managed to convince Diddy to go with him and really get to know the gay scene.
"Papa Jethro!" Travis shouted. He bounced a few people and introduced me to the just bloomed Diddy. The young hipster managed to bring out a smile with a more confident way. Which is good.
"Come on, Alex and Ken are waiting for us inside." Paolo remined me. "Yeah."
To be continued...
for reactions, critiques please send me an email at reggietangan@edsamail.com.ph or visit my website at http://www.reggietangan.cjb.net/joy