Joshs Journey

First a couple disclaimers: 1. I have cut out some hospital staff member in the interests of keeping the story flowing. Also because I have enough characters to juggle as it is! So my apologies to those of you in the biz : D

1. I have been reading about serial killers and it consistently these people come out of homes where abuse is rampant. These are our children, our future! There is NO EXCUSE for abuse! There is NEVER a good reason to strike a child! And there is never a reason to ignore abuse when you see it happening. Whew! I just had to get that out. Now enjoy the story!

Josh's Journey: Happiness Wears a Plain White T-shirt

"Whither thou goest, I will go; and where thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people," I murmured softly, watching the sun rise and the sky turn a riot of pink, blue and gold. It didn't matter to me that those words were spoken by a woman to another woman or perhaps that made them even more powerful to me. Over two thousand years ago, one woman had pledged her love, her heart and her body to another woman. It didn't matter that the relationship wasn't a sexual one, it was love and a need to be together. Together...

My beautiful Kel, so sweet, so gentle, so loving and so badly abused as a child. Alone in the dark twists of his own mind, he was curled up in a ball down the hall from me. The hospital was quiet, the few overnight sleepers in the waiting room still sleeping. I had been up for awhile now, sleep eluding me. I leaned forward and pressed my forehead to the window-pane, feeling cold glass and morning dew on my forehead. The crew boss in my head said several unpleasant things about badly fitted windows; for a moment I grinned at him. But the overwhelming ache of WHY I was leaning against this particular window returned in a rush to smother me.

I wanted so much to hold Kel, to feel his skin under my hands, his hair against my cheek. I ran my fingers lightly up my arms, imagining Kel's fingers in their place. I shivered feeling goose pimples pop up under my fingers. Mentally, I ran my hands up his back to his shoulders; as my mental fingers came into contact with the scars across his back, my gut twisted in pain. My mental fingers slid down his chest: my eyes opened at the memory of the nasty scar across his left pec, and my hands clenched in anger.

"He backhanded me once," Kel had told me. "I spun around and slammed into the corner of the counter- slashed me right across the pec when I fell. By the time he would let Mom take me to the doctor it was pretty badly infected and..." He had shrugged. "Mom had the counter top ripped out and put in the rounded top that's there now, after that."

My head was pounding and tears were leaking down my face. To do such horrors to your OWN child, my grip on my arms tightened. Kel, my sweet little Kel, his face floated in front of my closed eyes, Kel please, talk to me. I turned away from the window abruptly, I wanted Kel, I NEEDED Kel, right this minute!

Turning from the window, I glanced over to the couches, still pushed together like an oversized cradle. Xan was still sleeping, wrapped in the blankets Kaleb had brought us. Neither Xan nor I were small men, but we solved the where to sleep dilemma by pushing two couches together, although our feet hung off the ends. For the short time I had slept, I slept deeply, wrapped in Xan's arms. Under other circumstances, it would have been paradise, but now?

The small bathroom across the hall was empty. I took a quick shower and dressed in the clean clothes Mitch had brought me. I grinned in the mirror. Mitch had a keen eye and had brought a shirt and jeans that made me look good but also gave an appearance of responsibility and stability. Clean, unfaded black jeans - new ones, he had just run to the nearest Fred Meyer or other department store, instead of home- and a button down shirt in a soft brown that complimented my skin tone perfectly. Unconsciously I rolled up the sleeves a couple times, then decided just to leave them that way.

Around my neck was a gold chain holding Kel's Sunrise ring, as well as the silver thumb ring. Sunrise gleamed brightly against my coppery skin. The night before, I had pulled them out of my pocket and started to give them to Mitch to take home and keep safe, but Kaleb had stopped me.

"Wait a minute," he said, unhooking the gold chain from around his neck. "Thread 'em on this; that way they'll will be safe from loss and close to your heart."

Kaleb had been blushing as he handed the chain to me. I had been taken completely by surprise at the suggestion, I had never suspected that Kaleb had a single sentimental bone in his body. But now, looking at the rings and remembering the pictures of us together that were hanging in the bedroom at Kel's, I recognized that Kaleb was a very sentimental man. My face colored thinking of those pics with Nina in the house. I shook my head, no, surely she wouldn't invade her son's privacy.

The door to the pysch ward was closed as usual and I stood hesitantly in front of it, shifting from one foot to the other. Would they let me in this time without Alejhandro here to make them? Was the time wrong? It was not quite 6 am yet, I knew they did a shift change at 7 and visitors had to leave then, but would they mind if I came in now?

"Jeez Josh," I growled. "Get a grip on yourself. The worst they can say is come back after 8."

I rang the buzzer on the door. My heart was beating so hard I was sure they could hear it down the hallway! I remembered how it had pounded when I rang the doorbell the first time at Kel's. The door was opened by a sleepy eyed nurse. She was around my older sister Sela's age, mid to late 20s, and blond like Sela. She blinked and smiled.

"Yes? Can I help you?"

"I'm Josh Sanclere, Kel Kabrey's ummm lover. May I come in?" I took a deep breath. "I know its shift change in an hour but can I be with him until then?" I finished speaking in one breath.

The woman studied my face and then smiled again. She stepped back from the door and opened it wide.

"It's a bit irregular, but not unheard of. Come in. Mrs. Raymond told us that you were to have UNLIMITED access to Kel."

She gestured to me to enter. I winced as if slapped physically. It was so unfair that I had to have permission from his mother to see him! If he had been a woman and my wife, I would have been automatically allowed in to visit. My gut twisted in pain and I wanted to yell at the nurse, but it wasn't her fault. Someday, I prayed, someday it MUST be different!

The ward was quieter this morning. A few nurses were moving around and there was the soft hush of voices at the nurses station. A couple of them said good morning to me as I passed by to Kel's room.

Kel's door was open and he was lying on the bed, face turned toward the wall, his eyes closed. My heart thumped painfully in my chest, his dark curly hair was brushed back from his face; in sleep he looked younger than me. A nurse materialized at my side. She was about my Mom's age and her eyes looked weary.

"You can close the door if you want, no one will bother you until 7. He had a quiet night. We are tapering off the sedative, hopefully he will regain consciousness in a few hours. Dr. Guevarra said he'd be in to check on him this morning."

I thanked her and closed the door softly. The room was so "empty", devoid of any personality and so lacking in the clutter that typified Kel's bedroom at his house. I shivered and rubbed my arms again. A comfortable looking padded chair was pushed up against the wall. I pulled it over to the bed and sank into it. My body ached all over, some of it from tension, some of it from sleeping on the couch in the waiting room. Leaning forward, I rested my chin on Kel's bicep.

The familiar heat from contact with his body flowed through me, this was my man, the one I loved. Hurt, sad and scared, I still loved him. His hand was lying limp on the blanket; I cradled it in my larger, work roughened hand. His fingers were so long and delicate looking, I wondered if he ever thought about them being a gift from his father. I shivered again, the talk with Nina running through my head.

I had been prepared to hate her. I had wanted to hate her. Any mother that didn't protect her child deserved to be hated, but listening to her I found I couldn't hate her. I had cried for her and her own helplessness at the situation she found herself in. I had heard in her voice and seen in her eyes that she had tried to protect Kel, as much as she could. I didn't understand how she could stay with such an abusive man but I understood that I had been raised very differently, as had my sisters.

"Kel," I whispered. "Kel, I love you so much."

My head against his shoulder felt so right and slowly my eyes closed. I must have drifted off, lulled by his breathing, because the next thing I knew, a gentle hand touched my shoulder. I half leaped to my feet in surprise.

"Shh easy, mi amigo." Alejhandro grinned up at me. I dropped back into my chair, my brain wasn't quite awake and I stared at Alejhandro in shock. Not only was I surprised to see him here, but my brain had difficulty processing that I was looking UP at him! I blinked a couple times and shook my head.

"Have you been here all night, Josh?" He asked. "You need to sleep."

"No," I said. "I have only been here a few minutes." I looked up at the clock above the door and grinned sheepishly. "Make that an hour, I fell asleep, I guess. I didn't sleep well last night."

"That's to be expected," Alejhandro said. He tipped my head up and studied my face intently. His fingers on my throat made my heart beat faster and I felt my face heat up. He crossed his arms and grinned at me.

"Well, you don't look run down or overly stressed out. So I won't nag you." His eyes sparkled in mischief.

"I feel like a horse about to be sold, I expect you to check my teeth next," I grumbled. Alejhandro grinned at me. "My mother will be here soon, she can nag me enough."

He nodded. "That's good. Mothers can be so comforting."

I swallowed, remembering what he had told me about his mother. Images of Nina crying and my mom smiling scrolled through my head. Oddly enough I also thought of Xan's mom, and her frustration with him.

"I met Kel's mom last night," I said softly. "She wasn't at all what I expected."

"Ah," Alejhandro perched on the edge of Kel's bed. "And what were you expecting?"

"Definitely not a tiny, fragile girl-woman," I said. " I had pictured a big woman, loud and brash and uncaring. More annoyed at having a crazy child...but she wasn't that at all. She is tiny and delicate and maybe puzzled by Kel but definitely not unfeeling," my voice tapered off. "Not at all."

Alejhandro nodded. "So often, in life, one finds that the easy answers are not the right ones."

Before he could say anything more, the door opened and a nurse came in. She was a young LPN I hadn't seen before. When she saw Alejhandro, she stopped walking abruptly and made a squeak of surprise.

"Oh doctor! I'm sorry, I can, umm, leave..." She bounced from one foot to the other nervously. "If you need me to..." her voice tapered off.

"No, no, we'll leave you to do what you need to do, I want to talk with Josh anyway. I'll be back in a bit."

Alejhandro stood up and gestured to me to follow him. He stopped briefly at the nurse's station and conversed with the older woman who had spoke to me when I first went to Kel's room. I looked around, taking in the off white walls, wooden tables and mismatched chairs. On the wall behind the nurse's station were white boards with patient lists and room numbers written on them. Kel's name had a sad face drawn after it. I smiled inwardly, strangely comforted that someone else felt sad at his return.

Alejhandro gestured for me to follow him down the hall to a conference room. There was a fresh pot of coffee brewing on the side table, and the smell pulled me across the room. The morning suddenly seemed easier to face with a hot cup in my hands. Alejhandro appeared in the door, I hadn't even noticed he wasn't there, I had been so riveted on the coffee. He handed me a carton of milk while shaking a small bottle of juice. I took the carton and sat down on a soft couch. Alejhandro leaned against the table and watched me pour the milk into my cup.

"I spoke to Kel's psychiatrist last night very late. Lee is very distressed and on her way home," he said softly.

I nodded, not sure if I needed to answer. "She and I agree," he went on, "that Kel needs intensive counseling, but we are hoping it can be outpatient. Most of that depends on whether he will open up and tell you whatever he is hiding."

I swallowed. "I already know what he's hiding."

Alejhandro looked at me expectantly and I went on talking, "He is hiding something that would make most people run in fear."

I paused setting my cup on the floor because my hands were starting to shake. When I started to talk again I could feel my lower lip shaking.

"He killed his father, Alejhandro."

"Holy!" Alejhandro whispered something in Spanish and crossed himself.

Tears cascaded down my face and I started to shake. Alejhandro put his drink down and was at my side in a moment. I wrapped my arms around him and clung to him like a drowning man. My body shook with the force of my sobbing, but I could still feel Alejhandro's hand stroking my hair and rubbing my back softly. He spoke soothingly to me.

"Let it out Josh. You have to grieve as much as much as Kel does. Never be afraid to cry. Contrary to popular opinion, big boys do cry, they need to cry. It is a catharsis like none other in the world."

I looked up at him and he smiled. I sat up rather abruptly and wiped the tears from my eyes with the back of my hand. Alejhandro handed me a napkin to wipe my face off. I shivered suddenly cold. Alejhandro handed me my coffee.

"Drink Josh, you need the heat, sugar and caffeine."

"No sugar," I said automatically, then blushed in embarrassment. Alejhandro chuckled.

"Drink anyway, your body is going into shock and you don't want that to happen."

I sipped my coffee and looked at him. Alejhandro's face was sober, his normally twinkling eyes were deep pools of blackness. Fear squeezed my gut and I felt the blood flow out of my face. Alejhandro ran a hand through his hair, ruffling it and making him even more attractive than ever.

"I was afraid this was what you have been dancing around for the last month or so. When you told me Kel had been in a high security lock down, I knew there was really nasty violence involved. So how long have you known?" His eyes were fierce, especially the squinting one.

I swallowed and looked away. "Really only since last night, I put the twos together last night while talking with Nina." I looked up again. "Nina is Kel's mom. Anyway, both of them refer to his father in past tense and Kel has never said 'My dad is' it's always he was, he did, whatever, but always past tense." I paused.

"Never now, always past," I whispered hoarsely. "And the blood..."

"Josh," Alejhandro paused. "The sad reality is that the kind of childhood you have described for Kel is the absolute model for some of the most twisted, vicious killers in history. As I told you before, extremely abused people rarely strike out against their abuser. Sometimes because the abuser is dead, or more commonly, because the abuser scares them so thoroughly; makes them feel so small and insignificant, that they take their anger and frustration out on someone they can force into feeling the same feelings of worthlessness."

"Oh my God," I whispered, unconsciously I crossed myself. I hadn't been in church in ages but suddenly I was finding some kind of comfort in the gestures and patterns of my childhood.

Alejhandro nodded. "I talked quite a long time with Lee last night. I can't tell you what we talked about because of confidentiality and although she didn't say anything about Kel's father's death, she did indicate that Kel has no record of violence except to himself." He paused. "You are aware he has tried to kill himself several times?"

A shiver ran through me. " I knew it was more than the one time last August," I whispered. I explained that Kel had said "AGAIN" when he told me about the attempt in August.

"My opinion is that its a manifestation of guilt. The guilt he has for doing what he knows, and knew at the time, was wrong. Guilt is a nasty emotion, it drives so relentlessly at our subconsciousness," Alejhandro sighed. "Whether you are religious or not, the Biblical writers pegged it perfectly when they wrote about guilt and the power it has over us."

"I'm scared, Alejhandro," I said softly. "Is this going to be my future with Kel? Hospitals and doctors and medications?"

Alejhandro sighed. "The short answer is maybe. The long answer is probably. Mental illness is controllable and we are getting better and better at controlling it. But we still can't cure it and many mentally ill people live for a long time on their own and then suddenly something goes out of whack, if you'll pardon the expression, and they can't function on their own anymore. The lucky ones end up here in hospitals."

He shook his head sadly. "I have one patient who becomes tolerant of the meds after about two years. So every two years his stability starts to disintegrate and we have to change him to something else. I only pray that the pharmaceutical companies can stay one step ahead of him."

I shivered, that poor man! I thought of Kel, my sweet Kel, to whom medication was just another part of his normal life, like breathing. Just something to be taken twice a day, nothing to get excited about, but to me, who was almost never sick, it was a big deal: this was my lover's sanity in a bottle on a shelf in the bathroom. I shivered again.

"Kel, on the other hand, has been stable for years according to Lee. We both feel that this was a trigger incident. Just too much has happened in the last five months and it overloaded his mind, causing it to shut down for a while. My feeling is that, yes if you plan to stay in this relationship, you must be prepared for the occasional hospital stay. Hopefully, we can prevent a repeat of this incident, but you need to be aware that it is always a possibility."

Alejhandro squatted down in front of me, his hand rested on my knee. "Josh, one of the best things for a mentally ill person, and ironically the one thing medicine can't provide, is love and stability. A stable home and a structured life with someone who cares deeply for the person. You would be surprised how much better those people do than the ones without that stability in their lives. " He straightened up and leaned back against the table.

I nodded, not at all sure of what to say. My head was whirling, between the coffee and lack of food, I was feeling a bit light headed from the whole situation. I looked up at Alejhandro. His head was turned slightly away, so all I saw was his unmarred profile. The warm honey brown of his skin was so appealing to me. I had known very few people with a complexion anywhere near mine when growing up. Even my own siblings were fairer than I, and while there were Indians in our area of Alberta, they tended to stick together and keep the whites at arms length.

Alejhandro's ruffled black hair waved back and curled around his ears. I noticed for the first time a tiny gold stud in his right ear. His face was somber but that only seemed to make him more beautiful, more powerfully attractive.

"You know," I started talking, not really paying attention to what was coming out of my mouth, "I could fall wildly in love with you, Alejhandro." I flushed in embarrassment.

"Yes," he said, looking me in the eyes. "It is easy to fall in love with someone who gives you their undivided attention and is ALWAYS there for you, especially in a crisis. You are not unique in that regard, Josh, after all that IS what we all crave: love and attention."

I stared at the floor, feeling suddenly stupid and crass. "I'm sorry, Alejhandro. I shouldn't have said that... It was uncalled for."

Alejhandro's hand curved under my chin and he tipped my head up. His black eyes were gentle and he was smiling softly. The scar on his face twisted the smile a little and I was again struck with how much courage it must have taken him to become a doctor and to have to deal with people's reactions to his disfigurement every day.

"I'm glad you said it, Josh. Even if I can't reciprocate the feeling, I am deeply complimented. And a doctor-patient relationship should have no secrets. Thank you." He let go of my chin. "Besides you are wildly in love with a young man who lies just down the hall from here." He smiled again. "You wear your heart on your sleeve and his heart around your neck. I can't promise you that you'll never be here again, but I can tell you that his odds are much lower than they were four months ago. You love him, give him that love."

I flushed again and my hand crept up to grasp Kel's rings tightly. As I opened my mouth to speak, Alejhandro's pager went off. He took a look at it and a puzzled expression came over his face. He walked to the door and opened it, from down the hall I could hear noise, it sounded like voices. Alejhandro tipped his head and then looking back at me smiled.

"Unless I am VERY much mistaken, Kel is awake and yelling for you. At least someone is screaming Josh! Josh!"

I shot to my feet and was through the door and halfway down the hall before I even realized I had moved. I stopped and looked back at Alejhandro, who gestured to me to go. Kel's voice had lowered in pitch but he was still yelling for me. I paused in the doorway of his room uncertain of what I should do. There were three nurses in the room, two holding onto him and one on the phone. Kel was thrashing and kicking; twisting in their grasp and crying. The younger of the two nurses holding Kel, was the LPN from earlier. She looked over at me in terror.

Kel's head snapped around suddenly and his eyes, at first wild and unseeing, focused sharply on me. They were the greenest things I had ever seen, greener even than new spring leaves. He sucked in his breath sharply, then made a soft sobbing sound. Kel relaxed so suddenly that he slid out of the younger nurse's hands and hung like a rag doll in the second nurse's grasp. She let go of him slowly, easing him into a sitting position. He raised his head and looked at me again.

"Josh," he said softly.

That was all I needed to get me moving towards the bed, but before I was even halfway across the room, Kel launched himself at me. The elder of the two nurses who had been holding him shouted, and I jumped forward: catching and gathering him into my arms. His thin arms wrapped around my neck in a death grip; his legs tightened around my waist. I pulled him to me and as with so many times in the past four months, I wanted to absorb his body into mine and protect him completely.

"Josh, oh God, Josh," he sobbed, into the curve of my neck and shoulder.

"Kel, my precious Kel," I murmured into the thick tangles of his hair.

"Josh," He raised his head and looked at me. His green eyes pierced me to the core of my soul. "I was so afraid... so very afraid... it couldn't be, it just couldn't be... NO, NO, NO!" His voice rose in pitch to almost a howl.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a movement then Alejhandro's voice rumbled softly. I half turned my head to see Alejhandro lay a restraining hand on the arm of the older nurse. He gently pulled her backwards, leaving us alone.

"Scared of what, Kel? I don't understand, what couldn't be?" I asked softly. I backed up a few steps until my back was against the wall.

"I woke up here, in the hospital. AGAIN! STILL! Oh, Josh! I was so afraid the last four months had been a wonderful, horrible dream!" Kel's face was covered in tears. "And my hand! There was no ring! It was GONE!"

I pulled him even closer and held him tight. He was shaking from emotion and each quiver of his body was like a punch in the gut to me. Tears ran freely down Kel's face. With just the tip of my tongue, I wiped away the tears.

"Kel, my sweet Kel, I am here. I am real, I am so damned real! And I am going to get you through this, I promise. I have your ring, both of them, right here with me... safe and sound."

I covered his lips and face in kisses and he responded with equal enthusiasm. For a long while neither of us spoke, rather we communicated in a language deeper than words, and far, far truer. My arms ached from the effort of supporting him, but I was not yet ready to let go of him.

I felt terrible that I hadn't been there when he woke up, that I had left him to think his nightmare was continuing without me. I shivered suddenly and started to slide down the wall. Somewhere off to my right, I heard a voice and then hands on my arm guiding me as I sat down. I wondered briefly what we looked like sitting there on the floor: a tall, coppery complexioned man with a thin, wild haired man wrapped around him.

Kel's head was tucked into the curve of my shoulder, I could feel the heat from his forehead on my neck and his hair tickled my chin. His arms relaxed their stranglehold on my neck and his left hand dropped to my chest. Fire flowed down me; across my belly into my groin. I ran my hands up his back, automatically tugging at the hospital gown trying to cover him better, this was MY man and I was in no mood to share him.

I'm not sure how long we stayed like that. On the fringes of my consciousness, I heard people moving around and voices, but they meant nothing to me. All I cared about was Kel, the man I loved. Inevitably though, my feet, lower back and hips started to go to sleep and I had to move. Kel chuckled when I told him, and he scrambled off of me. Happiness flowed through me as I sat there, looking up at him smiling. He held out his hand and I took it, feeling those familiar long fingers wrap around my hand.

Kel pulled me up and for another long while we just stood there, arms wrapped around each other, not speaking, not doing anything but reveling in the feel of each other's bodies. My stomach growled suddenly and we separated with laughter.

"Never misses a cue," Kel said patting my belly.

"Kel, I was so worried, so scared for you. You are my heart, my soul, my..." I shook my head in frustration at not having the words to tell him.

Kel sighed. "I am so sorry, Josh. Honestly, I never planned for this to happen, ever." He looked down. "Why are you still here? Why didn't you leave?"

I cradled his chin in my hand, a small shiver ran up my arm, remembering Alejhandro doing the same thing to me just a short time earlier. Kel's head raised easily in my grasp. His eyes searched my face frantically.

"I'm here because I love you. And I promised you, I would stick by you no matter what." I pulled the chain with his rings out of my shirt. "This is my promise, kept safe for you."

"Oh, Josh." Kel cupped the rings in his hands. He looked up at me, tears shimmering in his eyes. I lightly stroked his cheek. He wrapped his arms around my neck and cried into my shoulder. I held him and rubbed his back and murmured softly into his hair. Out of the corner of my eye I saw something blue move. Puzzled I cranked my head around to get a closer look, Nina was standing in the doorway looking unsure of whether she should come in or not. I poked Kel and gestured with my head towards the door.

"Mommy," he said softly.

Nina walked the four or so feet to us. In the daytime she was even smaller and more delicate than I had realized the night before. And side by side with her son I could see where he got his beauty and his fey qualities from, she looked almost unreal in a light blue dress, her hair curling around her face; the same shimmering green eyes. Nina laid one hand on my arm and another on her son's arm. Kel shivered and turned to her. She pulled him into her arms and held him tightly.

"Mommy, oh Mom, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to drag you up here again. And so soon after the last time. Please, don't be angry, I am sorry!" Kel's voice sounded oddly young, like a small child talking instead of a twenty eight year old man. I shivered feeling goose bumps spread up my back. "Is Joe furious at me?"

"Shh Kel, it's all right. It's not your fault. You let me worry about Joe, you just get better."

Nina held him awkwardly as if not really sure how to deal with him, or the moment. But she was trying: her hands tentatively rubbed his back. I looked at them, mother and son, Kel towering over her but somehow she seemed able to take it. Maybe she was finally able to be the mother he needed... and the mother she wanted to be for him.

"Kel," Nina stepped back half a step from him. "Kel, he did things to us both, twisted our relationship to each other and to other people. It's not your fault. Some of it is my fault," she held up her hand to stop his protests. "But the thing I am learning, have been learning in the last year, is that it's not to late."

Nina glanced up at me, then back at her son. "It's not to late Kel, to make a relationship for us."

"Joe," Kel whispered.

"Joe is in for a few surprises," she said curtly. "He can either deal with them or not."

Nina's mouth was firm but uncertainty flickered in her eyes. Based on what she had told me the night before, I couldn't help but admire her for the courage it took to say that out loud. Kel's eyes widened in surprise. I don't think he had ever expected to hear those words from his mom.

"I went back to your place last night and did some thinking: some long, hard thinking." She paused. "I have always tried to take care of you, Kel. Sometimes it hasn't seemed to you like it, but I have always had you in mind." Kel stiffened and opened his mouth to speak, Nina stepped back out of his arms.

"We won't fight about it here, you can yell at me all you want when we get you home. Home with this good looking man of yours." She smiled up at me and I blushed.

Kel shivered, "Yes, Mom."

Nina looked up at me. She smiled softly.

"Thank you for taking such good care of my son." She continued in a barely audible voice, "and thank you for giving him the love I have never been able to give him."

She waved off both our protests impatiently. "You're good men, Lord knows where you got it from Kel, but you both are. I have failed you miserably in the past and that's made me afraid to try now that you are an adult. Well, at least, that's the opinion of my councilor." She sighed and looked at her hands.

"I am willing to try to make a relationship for us now, Kel. I am not afraid that I will fail you again." Tears sparkled in her green eyes, tears that were reflected in the eyes of my lover, her son. Kel hugged her.

When they separated there was mischievous twinkle in his eye. I was pleased, even relieved, to see it. My Kel, the Kel I loved, was exerting himself over the depressive, self destructive, frightened Kel that also lived in his head. This was my Kel, happy and full of mischief, living life and loving everything in it.

"'There is no try- just do,'" he intoned solemnly. He broke into a laugh at Nina's puzzled face. "So says Jedi Master Yoda." His eyes sparkled with laughter.

Nina looked torn between laughing and embarrassment. I wondered if she had ever learned how to laugh at herself: I suspected that she didn't know the difference between being made fun of, and being good naturedly teased. Her face shifted through fear, anger, and embarrassment in a matter of seconds, finally she opted for a blank expression. I glanced at Kel, he looked angry. Was it that he didn't understand his mother's confusion and was feeling rejected?

"Kel," I said softly. "All joking aside, the three of us need to sit down over a pot of hot coffee and talk." I smiled at his confused look. "But no mashed potatoes, I don't want to have to clean them off the ceiling after we start throwing them at each other."

Kel and Nina both laughed. The tension in the room disappeared and I relaxed in relief, my knees felt almost shaky.

"You are a good man," Nina said looking up at me. "I met your mother out in the hall, and I see where you get it from." Her voice dropped to a whisper, "I pray that I can perhaps be half as good a mother, this time."

"Mama!" I exclaimed. "Mama is here already?"

Kel hugged his mom. "It's okay, Mom. I'm just glad you're here NOW!"

I grabbed Kel's hand and pulled him towards the door. He laughed and let himself be pulled along.

"Josh! Where are we going?"

"I want you to meet Mama," I said tugging on his arm.

Kel stopped and shook his head. "I can't, Josh. This is a locked ward, I can't leave here until I'm discharged."

I stopped in shock and felt the blood run out of my face. In my excitement at having Kel awake, I had forgotten about the locked door; my embarrassment turned to frustration, then to fury. The real implications of the locked door not sinking in until now: my Kel, my darling Kel was a PRISONER! Locked up like some criminal or a rabid dog! My hands clenched in fury. How dare they!?

Kel stepped back looking frightened and he whispered my name softly. I honestly have no idea what would have happened had Alejhandro not materialized at my side just then.

"Josh? Is something wrong?" he asked, concern shining in his eyes.

I let out my breath in a loud sigh. The tension ran out of my body so rapidly that my knees actually wobbled. Alejhandro steadied me, his voice soothing. I explained that I had forgotten this was a locked ward and that I had been so excited to see my mother and to introduced Kel to her.

Alejhandro nodded soothingly. "It's been a rough two days for you, I'm not surprised your emotions are all out of kilter." He smiled. "There is plenty of time, time is the one thing you both have plenty of..." He chuckled, "Unlike us old fogeys."

I grinned at him, feeling so much better. Quick introductions were made to Kel and Nina, who's eyes widened as she took in the damage to Alejhandro's face. She thanked him for taking care of her son. Alejhandro waved it away with a quick de nada and his usual "that's what I'm here for" attitude.

"Now then," Alejhandro began briskly. "Breakfast is here for Kel, I'm sure he'll enjoy real food even if it IS hospital fare!" There were chuckles all around.

"Josh," he went on speaking. "I need to examine Kel and have a talk with him. Go visit your mother, you need her, and I am sure she is worried about you. Get something to eat."

"I know you don't eat in the mornings, but go eat anyway!" Alejhandro's deep voice thundered. I half jumped in surprise, Kel grinned, his eyes full of mischief. "You and Linc are so much alike, just run on adrenaline," Alejhandro grumbled. "And they call us doctors adrenaline junkies!" His voice softened, "Your friends are no doubt concerned, go reassure them. There are quite a lot of things to be done for, and with Kel, now that he's awake. Many of them you can be and I want you involved in, but for now I need Kel alone."

I nodded and hugged Kel, feeling his delicate body in my arms. I wanted just to scoop him up and RUN! Run far away, where it would be just the two of us. Alone, together, forever. Kel clung to me, his fingers tangled in my hair, his warm, soft lips against mine.

"Go on, shoo, Josh." Kel said making a sweeping motion with his hands. "I'll be all right," his hand rubbed his jaw, "soon as I can get a shave!" He chuckled and took Nina's hands.

"Mom, thank you. I wish we were all meeting for something a lot funner than this, but thanks for coming anyway."

Nina hugged him. " All you have to do is ask, all you've EVER had to do was ask." Kel opened his mouth to speak, but shut it abruptly and nodded his head. She brushed away a tear on his cheek.

"You're my son, I'll always come."

Another quick hug and kiss from Kel and a squeeze on the arm from Alejhandro and I was ready to leave. Well not really, but I could see the need for me to go, so that Alejhandro could look after Kel without interference. I hooked my arm through Nina's.

"Okay, I guess its time for you to meet the gang!" I grinned at her, propelling her forward out the door and across the ward.

She smiled up at me. "I am eager to meet you and Kel's friends! I met the gorgeous blond from last night this morning. He said to tell you he was still here."

I nodded and swallowed the lump in my throat. God, how I loved Xan.

"And then this breathtaking redhead showed up," Nina went on. "He brought your mother here. WOW! I didn't know men that beautiful existed out side of cheap drugstore romance novels!"

I chuckled. "That would be Colin, he said he was going to pick up Mama."

Nina looked up at me soberly, "You are lucky to have such good friends."

I nodded. I hadn't thought about it before, just taken them for granted. But now, when the very fabric of my life was coming apart, it was good to know I had people I could count on to be there for me. I shivered, suddenly sympathetic to Kel's life and the isolation that abuse creates in a life. Suddenly I was feeling very blessed. And with that thought we passed through the ward door into the hallway.

Everyone was crowded into the waiting room. Colin and Alex, Kaleb and Xan, Mitch, Micah. There was a small dark haired woman talking to Micah, when we came in she looked up and hurried to Nina. Nina took her hand and smiled at her.

"Kara. I was trying to decide if I should call you this morning."

"Micah called me last night," the small woman answered. She looked up at me. "You must be Josh, I am Kara Wirren."

I wondered if Kel even realized that he had almost married an almost exact copy of his mother. She was small and dark haired, with a pixie's face and large brown eyes. I shook her hand and we exchanged pleasantries for a moment, but I was really anxious to see Mama. She was standing by Mitch watching me, one arm around Fen. Mitch moved and I saw Jem standing on the other side of Fen.

"Mama! Jem!" I half shouted.

I very nearly ran to them. Suddenly I knew it was going to be all right. Mama was here! I lifted her off of the floor in a bear hug. She laughed and hung on. I set her down carefully with a hasty apology that she just brushed off. I had missed her so much, and I studied her closely, afraid that she might have changed as much as Jem had.

Mama was tall for a woman, perhaps 5'9" or 10" with that body shape usually described as willowy. Her brown eyes alternated between amusement and concern. She had the same long Native American nose and high cheekbones as I. Of all her sons, I looked the most like her and Jem the least!

"Josh, my son," she said softly. Mama wasn't one for saying a lot of words but the ones she did say were loaded with meaning. She was wearing jeans and a soft tan coloured sweater. A gold chain gleamed around her neck and small gold earrings peeked out through her black hair. A wooden bangle, which I later learned had been carved for her by Jem, rattled pleasantly against her watch.

I hugged Jem, then Fen. Happiness flowed through me like wine making me feel a bit giddy. I had the people I must loved in the world here, only Kel was missing, and hopefully that wouldn't be for long! My mouth curved up into a genuine smile for the first time in days.

Jem hastily explained that he had insisted on coming along with Mama refusing to back off; even offering to pay her back for his ticket. Mama admitted to being somewhat relieved to have someone to talk to during the flight. I made a quick introduction of everyone in the room. Mama insisted everyone call her Elizabeth and Kel's mom told us to call her Nina. When I told them that Kel was awake and coherent there were shouts of relief and more tears. Micah hugged Kara.

Slowly people melted away until it was just Mama, Nina, Jem and I left in a group together. Jem had been reluctant to let Fen go, but she had shook her head and pulled out of his grasp. She was curled up on a couch with her head on Colin's shoulder. I looked from her to Jem worriedly, this was a lot of stress for a 14 and 16 year old to take, but they both seemed to be holding up.

Mama suggested we go and get some breakfast. Micah, Kara, Kaleb and Xan had already eaten and so begged off from going with us to the hospital cafeteria. Colin had to get to his class and relieve the teacher who was watching it for him. Mitch excused himself to go home to sleep. I was a bit concerned about him driving home but he reassured me he was fine. I watched him leave praying he was right.

"Now, I know you boys don't eat, but I am starved," Mama said with a laugh. "And I am sure Nina could use a cup of coffee at least." Mama smiled "Jem go get that girl of yours. You'll be much pleasanter company if you aren't checking your watch every couple of minutes." Jem colored bright red and I chuckled.

"Yes, I suppose Fen is almost family, she told me you've called her twice since going home!" I laughed and gave him a rough hug.

Jem blushed and mumbled something about Fen being a great girl. But he wasted no time in going to invite her to breakfast with us. Colin reluctantly left Fen at the hospital with Mama's promise to keep an eye on her and Jem's solemn vow to make sure she did her homework. He and Alex left saying they'd be back in the evening to get her.

"I think I am going to lose another son to the States," Mama said softly, watching Jem and Fen walk down the hall to the elevators. Jem's blond head was tipped forward listening intently to every word Fen had to say. I smiled, remembering the phone calls made back and forth while Jem was staying with us.

Breakfast was a surprisingly relaxed meal. Mama was careful to keep Nina involved. Mama had a way with people, they just naturally relaxed around her, and Nina was no exception. Jem and Fen were quiet, speaking very little, their eyes wide as I told them what Alejhandro had said about Kel that morning. The hospital cafeteria was no place to go into the details of Kel's childhood or Nina's life and so we passed over them. All that could be dealt with in privacy, and I was reluctant to talk about it without Kel there. Both Mama and Jem knew Kel had been an abused child, and I was pretty sure that Fen knew it as well. I suspected that Jem had told her, seeking some comfort from a peer.

As I had thought she would, Mama took to Nina immediately. By counting on my fingers I came to the conclusion that Nina was only about two years younger than Mama. Coincidentally they had both given birth to sons at almost the same time. Kel was born in July and my eldest brother John was born in August.

Mama asked me about work and I explained that I had called my big boss and he had given me all the time I needed to take off. I confessed to some concern about what that might do to our plans to go to Alberta in June.

"But I'll worry about THAT later," I said. Mama nodded and squeezed my hand.

When breakfast was over we returned back upstairs. Micah and Kara were gone. Kaleb had gone to work, but Xan was still there, curled up in the corner of a couch reading Kel's new book.

I was slowly learning that hospital stays involved a lot of waiting time. Both Nina and I had checked on Kel only to be told he was still with the doctor. Conversation flowed in fits and starts. Mama and Nina traded growing up stories about Kel and I. Jem and Fen curled up together in a corner couch, heads together in conversation. I checked repeatedly on Kel, only to be told the same thing: he was still with the doctor. It was about 5 pm when a tall blond woman came into the waiting room. She came over to Nina, who jumped to her feet.

"Dr. Reicher, you're here!" Nina exclaimed.

"Oh FINALLY, Mrs. Raymond," Dr. Reicher smiled. "The airlines are crazy this time of the year!"

Mama laughed and agreed. Nina quickly introduced everyone. Dr. Reicher was in her early 30s, tall and shapely. She had a pretty, heart shaped face framed by thick blond hair and I could easily understand why Kel enjoyed looking at her. I was totally gay down to my toenails, but I'd enjoy looking at her too! She was warm and reassuring immediately making everyone feel a lot better, just by her calm voice and positive attitude. She immediately reassured Nina of the same things that Alejhandro had told me: this was just a temporary setback, most likely set off by the stress and excitement of the holidays and the stresses of starting a new relationship.

"I am so glad to finally meet you, Josh." She said with a smile. "Kel goes on and on about you every time I see him."

I blushed and smiled at her. Jem snickered and I heard him whisper something to Fen about "big bro blushing!" Xan snorted and grinned at me. There was no one still at the hospital who could sign but Fen, Jem and I took turns writing what was being said on Xan's notepad.

"I am releasing Kel at the end of this week," Dr. Reicher said. "But," she went on raising her voice over our excited voices. "I am doing it on the condition that he starts counseling immediately. Dr. Guevarra and I agree he needs it and it's long overdue. I'm recommending him to a friend of Dr. Guevarra. Her name is Lisamarie Caulder, I wish he could go to Alejhandro but that's not possible because, among other things, he's already your counselor Josh and that would be a conflict of interest."

I nodded. "But wouldn't a gay counselor be a better choice, doctor?"

"No," she said with a shake of her head. "Kel relates better to women, he feels safer with women. I doubt he'd ever open up sufficiently to a man, even to Alejhandro, with his history of abuse."

I nodded solemnly. Even without Dr. Reicher's further explanation, I understood: it had been a man who had abused Kel. A man who had taken his trust and smashed it, as well as male lovers who had abused his trust later in life. Sorrow flooded through me, would he ever feel really, truly safe with me?

"I don't know Ms. Caulder personally," Dr. Reicher was saying, "But I trust Alejhandro's judgment."

Nina and I agreed that it sounded like the best course of action for Kel. We discussed meds and Dr. Reicher verified Alejhandro's suspicion that two of Kel's meds were interacting negatively in his system. The doctor answered our questions and reassured everyone that Kel was going to be all right.

By the time she left us, both Nina and I were anxious to see Kel. I insisted that Nina go first, give them some time alone. Mama complimented me on it and I smiled. I wanted MY Mama alone as well. We went out into the hall seeking a quiet private place to talk. The earlier traffic had settled down and it was fairly quiet. There were comfortable looking chairs by the elevator. I sank into one feeling tired.

"I'm very proud of you, Josh." Mama said taking my hand. She squeezed it gently. "It's not an easy thing you're doing here. A great many people would have taken off by now."

"I love Kel, Mama." I said simply.

Mama nodded. "I see that in your face and in your actions. I hear it in your voice. Still..."

Mama's voice tapered off. I studied her as she sat silently thinking. There were new lines at her mouth and the corners of her eyes. For the first time I noticed a few strands of silver in her black hair. Her mother had been completely gray by 50 and I wondered if Mama would be the same.

"Josh, you know how exhausting a mentally ill family member can be, so I'm not really surprised by your actions over that last couple weeks. However, it does not diminish my pride in you one bit."

I flushed and whispered, "Thank you, Mama."

"You do understand that you are looking at your future? That this may happen again? Perhaps several times?"

I nodded, and told her what Alejhandro and I had talked about that morning. I told her the things I had been learning from him and from the books he had recommended I read. Mama listened quietly. She rarely interrupted; when I was little I had thought she wasn't always listening to me, but as soon as I finished she would always have a list of questions or comments that proved she had been listening!

"I always knew you were special, Josh. You are the most passionate, sensitive and caring of my sons. Even when you were feeling your lowest and most worthless, just before you left home, you were still worried and stressed over leaving Anita. You almost stayed and endured that hell just because you were afraid of hurting her. You have strength and passion, my son, and a gentle heart." Mama smiled.

"And I see the same things in Jem, as well. He has been so upset about Kel. He really likes your lover, you know."

I nodded, I did know. And Kel really liked him as well: calling him little brother and baby.

"I wonder why my two youngest sons are so passionate and caring. And my oldest ones.." Mama looked down at her hands then up at me. "John scares me sometimes, he gets so angry. Passionate again but not in a pleasant way."

I nodded, I knew what she meant: John was a very angry man. He had scared me most of my life. When I was very little, I hid from him if Mama and Papa weren't home. However, by the time I was 10, I was almost as tall as him, and being wiry I could beat him in a fight, despite his stockier build. Mama and I talked some more about the people at home and what my brothers and sisters were doing. She showed me pictures of my brothers' and sister's kids, most of whom I had never met. I was looking forward to seeing the babies this summer!

By the time Nina returned to the waiting room, I was crawling out of my skin to see and touch Kel. Anxiety was making my stomach ache, and I had hardly eaten all day. Fear was running through me: fear that Kel was worse, fear that the hospital staff wouldn't let me in to see him, fear that Nina would have him moved away from me, just plain old fear of everything beyond my control.

"He's very anxious to see you," Nina said with a smile.

"How is he?"

"Tired," a shadow crossed her face. "And scared. But mostly Kel wants you, Mom is okay for awhile but I can't replace his lover."

She smiled at me. I jumped up and hugged her. Mama waved me off when I looked at her, she murmured something about her and Nina going for a coffee. I hurried down the hall, not seeing or hearing much of anything. The nurse that opened the ward door for me smiled and then went back to the station. A couple other nurses called out good evening and welcome back as I passed.

Kel was dressed in jeans and plain white t shirt, and sitting cross legged on the bed. There was a pile of papers in his lap, and he was sucking on the end of a pencil. I stood in the door for a moment-- there was something so "normal" about the scene. I had never been so glad to see a plain t-shirt in my life! I could almost forget I was in a hospital psych ward looking at him.

"Hey," I said.

Kel looked up and smiled. Oh, that amazing, beautiful smile, I had been so afraid that I'd never see it again. For a moment I couldn't walk, I was so shaky. Kel put the papers down on the bed and uncoiled leisurely, then stood up. It was so cat like and graceful, and so KEL, that I almost started to cry.

"Josh," he said simply.

I don't remember walking to him but suddenly I was in front of him and he was in my arms. His thin arms were wrapped around my neck and his body pressed against mine. I pulled him as close as humanly possible. At that moment, I was never going to let go of him ever again! Kel's hands tangled in my hair and pulled my head close, as our lips met electricity flowed down my back. I tightened my arms around his waist, Kel twisted his head pushing his tongue deeper into my mouth. He devoured my mouth, exploring every inch of it as if he'd never kissed me before.

"Kel," I said finally, "I love you so much."

There was so much I wanted to say, but so much I was afraid to say to him. I didn't know what might set him off again, would mention of his dad send him into another psychotic episode? I only wanted Kel, MY Kel, but I didn't want to be tip-toeing around my words for the rest of my life. I held him close, not knowing what else to do.

The next couple hours passed rather quickly. I stayed at Kel's side like an overprotective parent. For the most part the nurses left us alone. We talked about the future and the present. I asked how he had got regular clothes and he explained that his mom had brought them to him along with his work. One of the policies of the psych ward was to encourage the patients to dress and behave in a rational manner. It made sense to me. Don't treat them as sick or different, while they tried to regain control of their lives.

"Writing a book while in here seems kind of clichéd, don't you think?" I said with a grin.

Kel burst out laughing, "This IS where most of my first book was written!"

"WHAT!?"

"Yes," he said nodding. "When I was in lock up one of the therapists suggested I write down the stories I told myself. I have always told myself stories to entertain myself, make pain disappear and just because-- perhaps I am a born storyteller."

He paused thoughtfully. "The first stuff was pretty rough, but practice and a few writing classes in college and Voila! Money in the bank!"

He laughed and I grinned in pleasure. Hearing him laugh, seeing him smile, that was what I wanted! I had the oddest feeling that everything was going to be all right. That the future was going to be spent together. Sure there was going to be rough spots, what relationship doesn't have them? But nothing was EVER going to be as horrible as the last two days. We'd been through hell now we would go into paradise together.

"Josh," Kel said breaking into my thoughts. "We need to talk. Talk about some really serious things."

"Yes," I said nodding. "But not tonight. Tonight I want to just hold you and love you. I want to enjoy your company and the sound of your voice. Mornings are better for getting into serious things."

Kel studied my face, then he smiled. That bright shining smile that lit up my world, that smile I was missing and aching so much to see, it warmed me all the way to my toes.

"All right then, we'll talk tomorrow. Tonight I am going to tell you a story. Lean back and get comfy."

Kel's hands pushed me back on the bed, adjusting the pillows and blanket. Electricity sparked every time his fingers touched me. He curled up in the warm hollow of my arm and ribcage and started to talk. His voice flowed around me, relaxing, soothing, gentle. The hospital slipped away and I was lost in the words he spoke: a story of two men seeking love and finding it together.

July 18, 2004

Okay! One more chapter to go! I apologize for it taking so long... Every time I sat down at the computer the chapter got longer and longer! Next chapter will tell Kel's side of his life and the final clash with his father. So please be patient with me a little longer!