It's times like these, you learn to live again, It's times like these, you give and give again, It's times like these, you learn to love again, It's times like these, time and time again
----- Foo Fighters
This chapter is dedicated to everyone who has read my story and to those who written to me and shared some of their soul with me. You have made me laugh, cry and feel! I want you to know I love you! An especial thanks to those of you who sent "Hey didja die or something?" letters. They made me feel especially good.
Josh's Journey: A Time to Build Up; A Time to Heal
It's not that I hate hospitals, but rather that I hate the lack of personality presented by hospitals. There seems to be a universal blandness about hospitals that may put some people at ease, but makes me feel quite emotionally drained and arriving in an ambulance with my unconscious lover wasn't helping fill that emptiness. The two paramedics unloaded Kel and wheeled him inside. The ache in my chest, that had been there for so many months now, expanded and threatened to choke me. I could hear Kel screaming at me. I clapped my hands over my ears and leaned against the wall, just inside the door, suddenly dizzy.
"Is this your idea of a sick joke?"
"...one of those things does when it hits a bare back? IT CUTS!"
"IT CUTS, YOU HEAR!"
"Choke the little bastard.....choke the little bastard ... choke..choke..."
My head swam to the sound of screaming and I was shaking. I felt my knees start to buckle; my back sliding down the wall. A strong hand clamped my bicep and pulled me up. I looked into the older paramedic's gray eyes.
"Hey there," he said softly. "You need to come sit down."
His eyes were gentle and understanding. I looked into them and he smiled gently. Somehow, without speaking a word, he told me that he was also gay and had some understanding of how lost I felt. His hand squeezed my bicep again.
"He's really in the best place for him," he said gently, "They will take good care of him here."
"I know," I whispered shakily.
"Come on, let's get you sat down and something warm inside you." He wrapped his arm around me and walked me into the emergency room. Leaning against the desk talking to one of the nurses was Alejhandro. He turned with a smile that quickly faded. He was at my side in an instant.
"Josh, mi amigo," his deep voice rumbled through me.
"Ah Aley, he's one of yours?" The paramedic asked.
"Si, yes Kenny, he is one of mine." Alejhandro smiled up at me. "Had I known Kenny would be responding I wouldn't have worried so much about you, Josh. Kenny and I are old friends." There was something in his voice and smile that made wonder if he meant they were old lovers.
He looked up at the paramedic, "Gracias, Kenny. Thank you for taking such good care of Josh."
"No problem, Aley. I'll see you this weekend at the Maui?"
"Maybe Kenny, depends on my week, and whether Linc is in the mood to climb or not."
The paramedic, Kenny, nodded. The Maui was an athletic club in the north end of Seattle. I'd never been there but I was sure I had heard Mitch talk about it. And I thought Kaleb and Xan went there as well. I knew Xan had told me about a climbing wall, somewhere that they frequented.
Kenny nodded again. He patted me on the back and smiled before going out to join his partner in the ambulance. Alejhandro's small hand rested lightly on my arm, he looked up at me, concern shining in his black eyes. For the hundredth time, I shivered at the scar on his face, Kel's face crying was mirrored over it. I shuddered. I had never thought of myself as particularly spoiled, but seeing these two men, so badly mistreated in their childhood, made me realized just how loved I had been. Suddenly I wanted Mama. I wanted to be held and hugged by her.
"Josh," Alejhandro's voice was soft. "Come with me. Take a look in at Kel, then I want to talk with you."
I shivered and nodded. Alejhandro was obviously in his element here in the hospital. I hadn't ever seen him before in anything other than chinos and a button down shirt, but now he had on a pair of green scrubs with a stethoscope hanging around his neck; a badge with his picture on it was clipped to the pocket. Again I marveled at his ability to overcome the horror of his youth. He led me to the back of the emergency room to a curtained cubicle. He gestured for me to enter; I stepped through the curtain. Kel was lying in a bed in the center of the room, there was an IV drip line hooked up to his arm. I grabbed the back of a chair as my knees threatened to collapse again. He looked so young and fragile on the bed, dressed in a hospital gown, his face almost as pale as the gown.
My feet moved without any conscious effort and I found myself beside him: I reached out and stroked his cheek. It was soft and cool with just a touch of bristle along the jaw line. Oddly, I found myself wondering what he'd look like with a short beard. I brushed my fingers through his bangs; the soft curls tangled around my fingers.
God, I loved this man. From his curly hair to the tips of his toes, the brightness of his eyes and the light in his smile, but more than just the pretty man, I loved the person he was inside. I loved the man who sat on a cold, wet asphalt alley to tempt a scrawny stray cat into eating, I loved the man who baked all day just to make Thanksgiving special. I heard his laughter and his voice telling me about his latest character; felt his hand on my arm and his lips on mine.
He was so loving, so caring, so giving, how did someone who hadn't experienced love in his childhood learn to be so loving? Was it a love he was born with? I felt tears leak down my face, how I wished I could have been there. I had been adult sized from the age of 13, I doubted that Kel's father would have messed with me! My fingers trailed down his arm and gripped his limp hand.
"I promise, Kel, I will hold your hand. I will stay here with you always," I whispered, my voice shaking.
The curtain parted and Alejhandro came into the cubicle. He walked around the end of the bed and up to the head across from me. He leaned over Kel and gave him a quick examination. He took Kel's pulse and shook his head.
"Too fast," he said softly. Alejhandro examined the IV drip and muttered something softly. He left, and I heard his voice outside talking to someone. I looked down at Kel; his lips were slightly parted. Without consciously deciding to, I leaned down and kissed him. His lips were soft and sweet, and totally relaxed. I bit back more tears.
Alejhandro returned a few minutes later. He returned to the head of the bed. His dark eyes studied Kel. He looked up at me.
"I've ordered an increase in the sedative running into him. You are certain he's been getting his meds? What's the new one? The hospital has no record of it."
I nodded. "Yes, I make sure he takes his morning ones every morning before I go to work and the evening ones when I get home from work." I told him what the new one was. He nodded.
"I'm familiar with the medicine. I wish all my patients had partners as "careless" as you, Josh," he said with a smile. I flushed, feeling strangely pleased by the odd compliment: he remembered my concerns about being careless from the first visit.
Alejhandro gestured to me to follow him. I squeezed Kel's hand again and told him I'd return soon, before following Alejhandro. He paused at the nurses station to add the information on Kel's new medicine to his chart. A quick conference with a nurse and then he returned to my side. We walked past several curtained cubicles and a nurses station to a set of double doors. Alejhandro opened one and gestured me through it. We were in a short hallway that turned sharply to the left. There was a small room across from us and the tantalizing smell of coffee wafted out of it. Alejhandro must have seen something on my face, because he grinned up at me.
"A hospital runs on coffee, trust me," he said with a laugh. "Come get yourself a cup, you can use it."
I followed him into the room. Alejhandro made a 'help yourself' gesture toward the coffeepot and then went to the fridge in the corner. I poured me a cup and studied it wondering if there was any milk for the taking. Alejhandro turned from the fridge, a juice bottle in his hand.
"What do you need, Josh?" He asked softly, shaking the juice.
"Milk," I answered.
"Ah."
He opened the fridge and took a small carton of milk out and handed it to me. I took it awkwardly in my right hand, almost dropping it, stress was making me even less coordinated than usual. I put the coffee down and opened the milk. As I poured it into my cup, I watched Alejhandro open the juice bottle and take a healthy drink.
"No coffee?" I asked.
He shuddered and a strange look crossed his face. I knew that look: it was the same one Kel had when he talked about his childhood.
"Ah hell," I thought. "That was stupid of me."
I started to apologize but Alejhandro waved it away.
'It's all right, Josh, but I can NOT tolerate coffee at all. Years of psychotherapy haven't been able to cure me of that. And likewise I am terrified of hot liquids near my face." He looked up at me. "Not all scars are visible to the eye, but they are no less real."
"Alejhandro," I said. "I'm sorry.. I didn't think."
He squeezed my arm. "Don't worry about it, Josh. I have dealt with it for over 20 years now." He grinned and his eyes sparkled with mischief. "I have become quite accustomed to cold showers now." He chuckled. "Much to Linc's distress."
I thought, here was a man who had found a way to laugh at the horror in his past and I wondered if Kel would ever become so able to shrug off his past. 'Oh please, please make Kel better,' I prayed. I wanted him happy, safe and sane. A shiver ran through me again, my coffee slopped over and on to my hand. I hissed at the sting from the hot liquid. Alejhandro handed me a paper towel. His eyes met mine: calm, rational, appraising.
"Come, Josh. We need to talk."
I followed him back out into the hall and around the corner. About 20 feet down the hall was an open door. The plaque on the wall beside the door said 'Conference Room'. Alejhandro stuck his head in and sighed. He looked at me and gestured for me to go in.
"I was hoping it would be empty. It's the only one I can find easily." He grinned. "I am not as familiar with this hospital as I am with the one closer to my office."
The room was a small one maybe 10 by 15 feet. There were soft couches and a couple chairs in it. A desk took up the left wall, there was a phone and writing supplies on it, and a Bible. Someone had taken some effort to make the room comfortable. Alejhandro gestured for me to sit down. I seated myself and leaned forward, my cup of coffee held loosely between my knees. Alejhandro sat beside me, his hand rested on my shoulder. It was a comforting, non-demanding touch. I smiled gratefully at him.
Alejhandro smiled back, his cupid mouth curling up. Even with the scar he was a beautiful man, shiny black hair with just a hint of curl and slightly damp still from a recent shower. A long, sleek jaw line and straight nose complimented the large black eyes that dominated his face. There were a couple curls of black hair peeking through the V neck of his scrubs, in spite of the efforts of his undershirt to keep them under control. I had to resist the urge to reach up and run my fingers through them. The soft honey brown of his complexion was pleasantly accented by the green scrubs.
"I guess this means you are a DOCTOR doctor?" I asked, pointing to the stethoscope. My eyes widened in embarrassment. "I'm sorry, that was rude!"
Alejhandro laughed. "Yes Josh, I am a doctor doctor. I have a PhD. in Psychiatry which makes me a medical doctor. But after a year or two of practice, I decided that throwing MORE medicine at my patients wasn't the answer, so I went back to school and earned a Master's in Psychology. But if the occasion, such as now, requires it, I can be a medical doctor as well."
"Now then, basically what's happened Josh, is that something has over stressed Kel's fragile mind and it has, well, taken refuge inside of itself. It's a safety mechanism built into the brain. You and I, being far more stable barely use it- the blues or a good case of introspection, for example. But for a mentally ill person, the 'return' mechanism doesn't function as well and they get lost if you will, inside their mind.'
"One of the functions of medications is to get the proper release chemicals into the brain so that it functions in a rational manner. But its a tricky process, too much chemistry is as bad as too little. Over medicating can push a mentally ill person to the other extreme, and they become aggressive. I suspect here, and I think Lee will back me up, that we need to up the dosage on his new medicine and slope off the dosage on a couple of the others."
Alejhandro paused, watching my reaction. My head was whirling. I sipped the coffee: it was hot and strong, reminiscent of my father's coffee. Again I wanted my mother. I felt very young and lost and in need of her. A shudder ran through my body. Alejhandro rubbed my arm.
"Josh," he said gently. "Tell me about the last week. I know about the incident after Christmas, but talk to me about this last week. Tell me the good things, bad things and any odd things. One, it's patterns of behavior that make for a diagnosis, and two, it will make you feel better. And in all honesty, my first regard is for YOU. You are my patient," I started to speak but he held up his hand, "No, that does NOT mean I'll neglect Kel, but at the moment there isn't much I can do for him. They will move him upstairs and get the meds running into him, and we wait to see what happens."
"In the meantime, I want to make sure that you get the best care 'I' can provide! Because what you are dealing with, has been known to break many a strong person, the hospital has broken up more relationships than cheating ever will."
His dark eyes were sad. I swallowed and nodded. Slowly I told him about the last week: the things we'd done, the places we'd gone. I told him about Kel's concerns with the new meds. I told him about the excitability, how hard it had been for Kel to stay still long enough to write, and how frustrated it was making Kel. He nodded.
"Interaction," he said. I looked puzzled. "Two drugs bumping heads in his system. Lee would have got that straightened out, before now, if she were here. I'll take a look at what he's taking, but I'm certain I know already what's causing it."
He gave me a quick explanation of drug interactions. I shivered. Was this going to be my life? Worrying about medicines constantly? I felt slightly panicky and had the urge to run. But Alejhandro's hand on my arm was comforting. I looked down into his eyes and saw encouragement and concern there. I took a deep breath and leaned back on the couch. Alejhandro turned sideways and laid his arm along the back of the couch. He smiled again.
I studied him. I could fall head over heels in love with him easily. His eyes were so expressive, his lips so firm and inviting. I wondered if psychologists had patients fall in love with them all the time. Just the whole "I care about YOU" feeling he projected was enough to make me feel, well somewhat buzzed like new love. But Kel, oh my poor Kel, I wanted to hold him in my arms, to kiss him, to assure him everything would be all right. Tears started to leak out of my eyes again.
Alejhandro twisted around and grabbed a box of tissues off the table behind him. He handed the box to me. I took a couple and blew my nose. My head was pounding and my breathing was ragged.
"Shhh, Josh, relax. This is a temporary setback, if he's been reasonably stable for years, then my feeling is, that there is something he's hiding and that's what is causing this trouble."
I swallowed. "His dad," I whispered, my eyes widening as I stared at Alejhandro.
He nodded. "Most likely, I told you before that for him to be placed in a locked, security ward, that what happened had to have been pretty bad. And you have told me that he has had his father on his mind a lot lately." He sighed and growled something in Spanish. "So tell me about today." He didn't offer to translate the Spanish and I had the feeling what he'd said wasn't very nice.
I told him about the morning: about how we couldn't get enough of each other's company and bodies. I blushed to tell him how I had barely been able to get Kel into the bedroom before undressing him. I explained how urgent our lovemaking had been and Alejhandro nodded.
I shuddered and nearly dropped my coffee when I got to the extension cord in the bed. I told Alejhandro what Kel had yelled at me, and how he had reacted. Alejhandro paled and muttered something in Spanish. I caught the word "diablo" but that was the only one I knew. I explained to him about how Kel had tried to run away, and how we had caught him.
"He was going on and on about blood," I said, putting my cup on the table by me. "I thought it was the blood from his hand last week, but now I am not so sure. I think its old blood he was seeing. But whose blood, Alejhandro? His? Or-?" My voice came out hoarse and my eyes widened in fear. "His dad's? Oh God Alejhandro! His father's blood everywhere!?"
I grabbed his arm. My fear made me stronger than I realized and until Alejhandro winced I had no idea I was squeezing it. I let go and watched the white finger marks slowly turn brown again. I started to apologize but he waved it away.
"Don't worry, Josh. You aren't the first and most assuredly won't be the last to do that." He smiled gently. "As for blood, I can't tell you yes or no. Perhaps Lee knows. But as I said for Kel to be in a high security ward, the yes, it was quite likely his father's blood. People don't get put in those wards for minor offences."
"Why didn't you tell me?" I wanted to yell, scream, throw things.
"Because Josh," Alejhandro's voice was sharp. "You most likely wouldn't have believed me, and because your relationship with Kel is more important: make it strong enough to weather a storm, not tear it down."
I nodded and swallowed. My thoughts were swirling, blood and tears. I saw Kel pounding on the wall and crying, I heard his flat, emotionless voice saying "I just wanted to feel the sun on my face-" I flung myself back on the couch and covered my face with my arm.
"Now, this is the hard part," Alejhandro's voice was soft. "I am going to recommend Kel stay in the hospital for at least a week. I am reasonably certain he'll be conscious in a day or two," he held up his hand to stop my protests, "but he needs the intensive therapy the hospital can provide. He needs the safety of professional supervision and he needs to understand that whatever he is hiding is only going to make him worse."
"Oh God," I moaned.
"He is hiding it because of you."
"ME!!?" I squeaked.
"Yes," Alejhandro's eyes and mouth were sober. "If my suspicions are correct then it's because he is afraid you'll leave him when you hear it. As you have just guessed it isn't a pretty situation and involves things most people don't want to deal with. But he HAS to tell it to you, because hiding it is only making things worse."
"LEAVE!" I shouted. I shot to my feet. 'I'll never leave! I LOVE HIM! LOVE HIM! I WANT him, I NEED him. He makes me feel - right - I don't know. I feel complete with him around. I told him we'd get through ANYTHING! TOGETHER!"
I hugged myself, shaking and suddenly cold. Alejhandro wrapped his arms around me and rubbed my back, murmuring soothing words. I relaxed against him.
"Thank you," I whispered.
"You are welcome," He looked up at me. "You need to tell Kel that, everything you just shouted at me."
I flushed in embarrassment. Again Alejhandro waved off my stammered apology and it occurred to me that it must require a hide as thick as a rhino's to be a psychologist. We talked for a few minutes longer but Alejhandro could see how anxious I was to be back with Kel. I kept glancing at the door, I was sure my yearning was written plainly on my face.
Alejhandro took me upstairs to the psych ward. The door was locked which made me shake again. A locked ward AGAIN!! I hugged myself to calm my gut. Alejhandro pressed the buzzer by the door. It was opened by a matronly woman in a nurse's uniform.
"Good Evening," she squinted at his badge. "Dr Guevarra. What can I do for you?"
"I have a patient here. Has Kel Kabrey been brought up yet?"
The woman consulted a clipboard. "Yes, he was brought up about 15 minutes ago. They are settling him now. I thought he was Dr. Reicher's patient."
"He is, but Dr. Reicher is away on family matters, so I am filling in for her."
She nodded and stepped back into the ward to allow Alejhandro in, but when I started to follow him inside, she stepped in front of me.
"You can't come in here. Family members only." She eyed me, her chin thrust out belligerently.
"But I'm his partner!" I protested. "I live with him, we're soul mates!"
Her eyes were scornful. "You NOT a family member. You can't come in until we get permission from his mother."
"His mother! She abandoned him! Left him here to survive or not while she ran off with her new husband. I'm his LOVER. Kel's MY man."
"Legally he isn't ANYTHING to you. You cannot enter this ward." Her face showed plainly her contempt for our relationship.
I felt the ground tip and my stomach clenched. How could she keep me away from Kel? What would that do to Kel? Suddenly I was physically sick from humiliation. I opened my mouth to shout at her but Alejhandro cut me off with an imperious gesture. He turned to the woman.
"I think Josh is the BEST person to be at Kel's side right now. He needs to come in."
"I'm sorry, doctor, the hospital rules forbid it."
"For minors, they do, but Kel is not a minor. He is an adult man and Josh IS his lover. Josh should be here - the same as any husband."
The woman protested, repeating her babble about not being related, Alejhandro made his sharp gesture again.
"IF there is a problem, I will take responsibility. My diagnosis as his DOCTOR is that Josh should be allowed in the ward. Perhaps I need to file a complaint about a nurse getting in the way of me doing my job?" His voice was calm but had a cold edge that could have frozen the Sahara.
The woman seemed to shrink and she shrugged. "Well, if you are willing to take responsibility, DOCTOR Guevarra, then its no business of mine!"
She turned and stomped off into the ward. Alejhandro sighed and looked up at me.
"Nothing worse than an uppity spic faggot." He grinned suddenly. "I have had similar troubles with her in the past. You won't have that kind of trouble with the other nurses; I'll introduce you around. They will take good care of him, I promise."
As it turned out, Kel was something of a darling with the nurses, who were distressed to have him back again, and so soon after the last time. They were pleased to see me, eager to make me feel at home, and to answer any questions I had. The nurses were excited to find out that he had found love since his last visit, and questioned me as closely as any parent would. I grinned and answered their questions about me; I felt oddly comforted by them, and their obvious love for Kel.
Alejhandro clasped my hand. "I am going to go. I will try to get in contact with Lee again. Maybe get home and see if I still have a cat and a lover." His eyes twinkled at me. "If you need me, they can get a hold of me here. I'll let them know it's all right to call."
He studied me. "Get some rest, Josh. Let your friends take care of you for a change. I know you are the caregiver, but for a change let someone else shoulder the load. Mindy, can show you how to call down to the emergency waiting room. There's a waiting room around the corner near the ICU. Your friends can stay there. Take some time out and spend it with them. Let them pamper you, Josh."
He smiled. "Oh, and I meant to tell you, that's a beautiful ring you are wearing these days. It makes us feel right, doesn't it?" I glanced down and saw a diamond and gold band glittering on his finger. I smiled again.
"Thank you, Alejhandro."
"De nada, mi amigo. You take care. I will see you in the morning if not sooner."
The room Kel was in was small but sunny, facing east. I wondered if they had chosen it on purpose for him. He was sleeping quietly, and there was a little more color in his face, but he was still terribly pale and fragile looking. I pulled up a chair and grasped his hand. Images of that long fingered, delicate hand tumbled through my head: resting on my leg, caressing my bare thigh, waving frantically as he talked. I saw it typing frenetically as words poured out of his subconscious, saw it wrapped around a cup of hot coffee and resting in my hand as we walked hand in hand through the park. I lifted it to my lips and kissed it.
I'm not sure how long I sat there by his bed, just holding his hand and thinking about the last four months. I ran the good times through my head like watching a video. I laid my head on Kel's shoulder. I was about half asleep when I heard a soft knock at the door. I jerked upright in panic. Would they be angry at me? What if I shouldn't have been practically in the same bed as Kel?
The nurse, standing in the doorway, was about my age, blond and pretty. Her smile was warm and welcoming. She walked in and leaned against the foot of the bed.
"Oh Kel, we were so hoping we'd not be seeing you anytime soon." Her hand stroked his shin gently. She shook her head and looked at me. "He has such a hard fight trying to live outside the hospital. You do understand about him?"
I nodded. "I know he's schizophrenic, and manic-depressive. And suicidal." I shivered again.
"Yes." The nurse nodded. "I'm Mindy. Alejhandro, Dr. Guevarra, went to school with my sister. He told me to keep an eye on you, he really likes you." She smiled again.
"Really?"
"Yup," she came around me and I moved so she could get to Kel. She checked his IV and made a note on a paper. She looked up at me, stuffing the paper back in her pocket. "He's impressed, and Alejhandro doesn't impress easily." She winked at me.
"Now then, there was an absolutely gorgeous muscled guy out in the hall asking about you." She snickered. "Ginger- she's the nurse you tangled with earlier- took one look at him and disappeared. Clarissa talked to him." Her eyes danced with mischief. "He wanted you to know that EVERYONE is here, and they have taken over a corner of the waiting room."
I laughed and thanked her. She nodded and left. I sat there for a little while longer, but I was hungry, scared and cold. I needed a hug, and some comfort. I wanted my Mom, even if it was only her voice on the phone. I kissed Kel softly, and traced the shape of his lips with my finger.
Xan was waiting for me in the hall. He pushed off from the wall and wrapped himself around me. I clung to him and he rubbed my back gently. For a fleeting moment I was angry: angry that he wouldn't let me love him the way I wanted to, forcing me into this horrible situation. But Kel's face with it's soft contours and brilliant green eyes swam in front of my eyes, and I wanted him, only him.
"Yoss," he said gently. "Ah say ere wif oo. Ah not yeave oo ahone."
I cradled his face in my hands and pressed my forehead to his. When I pulled back he was smiling tenderly, his blue eyes shining. He was my best friend before Kel and my closest friend after Kel.
"Thank you," I mouthed. He smiled.
As Mindy had said, everyone was crowded into the waiting room. I was surprised to see Colin and Alex as well as Fen, who leaped up and ran to me. She threw her arms around my waist and hugged me fiercely. I hugged her back. Both Colin and Alex offered condolences, Colin's soft Irish brogue even more noticeable than ever. I was surprised to find Micah already there. He stopped talking with Mitch when I came in and crossed the floor rapidly to my side.
"Josh," he said softly. "Please, how is he?'
He was a phenomenally beautiful man and the pain he was feeling was plainly written on his face. I wondered again, why he hadn't ended up in California or New York or wherever beautiful people collected. He looked down and when he looked back at me his blue eyes were full of tears.
I gave a quick rundown of what Aley had told me, leaving out the parts about Kel's father and me. Micah went pale and looked around. I wondered if this would send him back into the bottle; Kel would take on that load of guilt, regardless of what anyone would say. I growled softly. Micah looked at me in surprise. Our eyes met and he paled again, perhaps reading in my face what I was thinking.
"I'm staying sober," he whispered. "For Kel. I want to see him, Josh. Please?"
I nodded and explained about the family rule. I described the altercation with the nurse, Ginger. There were exclamations and swearing from everyone present. Micah clenched his fists and muttered something about needing a drink. Will shot him a worried look. Kaleb walked over and wrapped his arm around Micah. He spoke softly to him. Micah nodded and relaxed visibly.
"I'll talk to his mom when she gets here," I said. "See what she wants, I suppose."
Those words twisted in my gut. He was MY lover, why couldn't I make those decisions?! I clenched my hands, feeling the ring cut into my finger. I was tired, scared and frustrated. And sudden I felt so lost and cut off, even surrounded by my friends.
The rest of the day passed surprising fast. We ate a late lunch in the cafeteria, then returned upstairs. By unspoken acclamation conversation was light and stayed on general topics. I even caught myself, laughing once or twice. Micah informed me that Kaleb had called him to tell him about Kel. He had dropped Carrie at home and hurried to the hospital.
Xan hovered over me like a mother hen, and surprisingly so did Fen. I was flattered and pleased that she cared so much, although I wondered how much of her actions were about impressing Jem's older brother. Back in the waiting room, Xan gave me his credit card and I called Mama. She was horrified when I told her what had happened.
"I'm on my way, Josh!"
"Mama no, it's too far, too expensive." I protested.
"Josh, when my child is in trouble and in need of his mother, the South Pole wouldn't be too far away. I'll call and book a plane soon as I get off here, Rafe can take me to Calgary."
"Mama, it's an almost four hour drive to Calgary!"
"Josh, my child, my heart, I would drive to the ends of the world to be with you now. I can hear how much you need me in your voice. I will be there sometime tomorrow." Mama's voice was soft but firm. I knew there would be no talking her out of it, and in all truth, I wanted her there very badly.
"Thank you, Mama." I said softly.
I gave her the number for the waiting room so she could call and tell me when she'd be coming in. Colin and Fen volunteered to pick her up from the airport. I smiled wondering if Fen wanted to ask about Jem.
I spent the most of the day going back and forth from Kel's room to the waiting room. I saw Alejhandro briefly around 7 pm. He was checking one last time on Kel before heading home. He squeezed my forearm and reminded me that if I needed him to call.
"Mindy says his mother is on her way. She also reports that Mrs. Raymond has NEVER put any restrictions on anyone visiting him - male or female. So don't let anyone give you any trouble. "
"Female! OH, I better find out how to contact Kara. She'll want to know," I said startled at the thought. How many of Kel's exes did I WANT there? But Kara and Micah were very dear to his heart still. I remembered Mrs. Witsky suddenly! So many people cared for my darling. It was strangely comforting to know he was so loved.
Dinner was a surprisingly pleasant meal, if I had had Kel by my side, it would have been perfect. We were almost finished eating when I looked up and saw a woman staring at our table. She looked familiar and I wracked my brain trying to figure out why. Then she bit her lower lip and I knew why! Her twin was lying upstairs catatonic! I pushed back my chair and stood up so fast the chair tipped over banging loudly on the linoleum.
The small woman jumped. Her eyes focused on me and she stepped forward. Heads at our table cranked around to see what I was staring at. Xan, who had been sitting by me, muttered an exclamation of surprise. I hurried around the table to the woman. Up close, she was tiny but I saw where her son got his delicate good looks from: she could have been his twin from her curly dark brown hair to her bright green eyes.
"Josh Sanclere?" She asked shyly.
"Yes!" I said. "You must be Kel's mom."
She smiled and my heart twisted seeing my darling's smile on her lips. Oh, my poor Kel!
"Yes, I am Nina Raymond. I was told to look for a tall Native American man. Kel said you were extremely handsome and it appears he was right. The pictures he sent don't do you justice."
"Thank you," I said blushing. "Please, come sit down."
She looked around uncertain. Kaleb jumped up and said they'd see me upstairs. Colin hugged me saying he had to get home and finish correcting exams to be returned to his students the next day and he'd deliver Mama safe and sound to the hospital in the morning. Slowly and discreetly, everyone trickled out of the cafeteria, until it was just me and Kel's mom.
I returned to my chair and she sat down across the table from me. I studied her closely, she was so much like my sweetheart. She also wasn't very much older than him, I was willing to bet she hadn't been even 20 when Kel was born. She nervously picked up and put down an empty glass. I jumped up again and fetched a couple glasses of cold water. She smiled up at me when I set one down in front of her. Again I felt a physical shock at how much like her son she was.
"Kel told me about you. He called me early in the morning back in September, woke me out of a dead sleep, to rattle on and on about a guy he'd had over for dinner and how wonderful he was. He called just before Christmas, he wanted me to meet you then, but Joe was being cranky about me driving up at the holidays - " her voice tapered off.
I scanned the room behind her. I couldn't see an unattached man standing anywhere. Kel's mom twisted around to look, then turned back to me. She was puzzled.
"But this time, he couldn't say no, the hospital requires me here to sign paperwork at the very least. I would be all right with letting YOU do it, but neither the hospital nor Joe would allow that." She bit her lip and moved the glass around the table, making patterns with the water rings.
When she looked up at me, there were tears in her eyes. I had the strangest desire to lean across the table and kiss them away, like I would do for Kel. She shook her head.
"I am so attracted to strong men. Unfortunately, I tend to pick bullies. Joe is a great man, but he is a bully." She sighed and looked away. When she looked back at me, her eyes were glowing just like Kel's. "I suppose Kel has told you about our life."
"Some," I admitted.
"Well, whatever you think of his father, Randy was a great improvement over MY father. I married Randy at age 15 to get away from him." She shivered as if cold. " I assume he's still in prison - he was doing life."
"Holy Mother," I whispered.
She nodded. "I was barely 16 when Kel was born. I was so in love with him he was so sweet and pretty and so mine! And for awhile, Randy treated me like I was made of glass." She sighed. "By the time he was three, we knew there were serious problems, emotional and mental. Randy was angry, it was my fault, my genes that made his son crazy. I don't think he ever really came to grasp the whole situation."
"When Kel was institutionalized at age three, I was just 19. The stress had gotten too much for me, and I had a nervous breakdown. I spent two months in the same institution, although we were never allowed any time together. I think back and wonder how much better things might have been if we had been allowed to be together. Nowadays, they call it post - natal depression, in 1965 they called it "Unwilling to grow up and accept responsibility".
"You were a child! My baby brother is 16! I don't imagine he'd be any better handling the situation!" I protested angrily.
"Thank you," she smiled, my sweet Kel's smile. "Well by the time I got out, I had become emotionally distant from everyone in my life, especially my son. I don't ask for you to forgive me, just to understand, I had pulled back into myself so much... I was hardly aware I had a child until he returned home. Then he was a stranger, the nurses had raised him not me. I resented that, you see. He had been MINE, until they came along."
She looked off into the cafeteria, maybe seeing the past, maybe seeing nothing. It was such a typical Kel mannerism; I wondered who had learned it from whom. She looked down, then up at me.
"Would you mind getting me a cup of coffee and one for yourself." She dug through her purse and pulled out a couple crumpled bills. She held them out to me. "I'll pay for it."
I waved the money away and hurried off to get a couple cups of coffee. My head was swirling with what I had been told so far. I was torn by my anger at her for abandoning Kel, and the pain I was feeling by what she had told me so far. I remembered Mama saying there were two sides to every issue and I had only heard Kel's side. When I returned to the table Mrs. Raymond looked up at me and smiled.
"Mrs. Kab- I mean Mrs. Raymond," I started.
"Please, call me Nina." She said with a smile. "You're 'married' to my son after all."
I blushed and stared at her. To hear someone outside of our circle refer to our relationship as a marriage stunned me.
"Thanks, Nina," I stammered. She reached across the table and brushed my hand lightly with her fingers.
"He called me after Thanksgiving to tell me you had bought him a ring. Of course, when you proposed I heard all about that as well! He was so happy and excited. He described every millimeter of his ring to me. After the split with Kara, I was ecstatic, for lack of a better word, to hear him so animated and happy."
I smiled. I reached into my pocket and found Kel's rings. I handed them to her. She admired Sunrise and handed them both back, saying I was the one to keep them safe not her.
"From what Kel said, I expected you to be a bigger woman. I am completely surprised at how small you are." I said with a smile.
She laughed. "Kel has been taller than me since he was 10! I sent a baby to the hospital and got back a giant! Almost a teenager. Maybe that's one reason I had such a hard time being a parent to him,- I lost seven years, together. It was like taking in a stranger, and being "expected" to automatically be perfect for him."
She spooned sugar into her coffee, I winced as it got sweeter and sweeter. Her movements were easy and graceful, so much like her son's except that he drank his coffee black.
"That's not to say, I didn't love my son. Because I did love him! I just didn't know him very well."
"I think I understand," I said softly. "Well sort of -"
She took a sip of the coffee. "Ahh, that's good. Randy was quite a coffee drinker. Okay, where was I? Oh yes, Randy changed jobs in 71 and we had to bring Kel home. Randy thought if he could get Kel to DO normal things then he'd BE normal. That's why he taught him to smoke; had him drink coffee until Randy was screaming at me about how hopped up Kel was, and couldn't I control him?"
"The son of a -" I growled. She nodded soberly.
"I had a long talk with Kel about two years ago. He wanted to know why I never protected him from Randy. What Kel never saw was all the times I DID protect him. He doesn't remember the times I'd get between them. His mind didn't - and doesn't - always recognize what happens around him. Most the beatings I took for him he never saw."
I made a strangled sound in my throat, Nina gazed at me contemplative. Her eyes were so like Kel's. I gripped my cup so tightly I was almost afraid it would break.
"I was almost thirty before I realized that it WASN'T normal to be beaten nearly every day. I grew up hiding bruises and missing school, I thought everyone lived that way. There were times when I didn't see Kel for days because, in Randy's words, "I wouldn't be able to handle him". I am certain now, that they were times when he had hurt Kel pretty bad. I beat myself everyday that I didn't disobey him, and go look for myself. I should have seen it, because when Kel was wired up, he was MY problem, not Randy's. I should have known Randy'd never take care of Kel, except to hide something." She bit her lip again, tears were brimming in her eyes. My Kel's eyes.
" And I would never have believed Randy was raping his OWN child, especially after he beat the hell out of my father for raping me. I just would never have believed it."
Nina's lower lip trembled and tears ran freely down her cheeks. I reached across the table and took her hand, squeezing it gently. She fumbled in her pocket and found a tissue. She blew her nose then wadded the tissue up, stuffing it back in her pocket.
"I was raised to NEVER question the man's word. Randy was the same way, if I minded him, he was sweet, but cross him and..." She shivered again. I swallowed, my throat dry and my heart pounding.
"Kel doesn't remember the time I wrapped him in a blanket and ran barefoot through snow, in my nightgown, barely able to see because of two black eyes, to Mrs. Witsky's house, because Randy was threatening to kill him."
""Oh my God!" I stared at her in horror.
"We stayed there almost a week. Kel healed from the beating, and I got to where I could see again. She wanted me to leave Randy, and I almost did." She paused, studying the tabletop. "But in the end, I didn't. I couldn't: leaving him was too alien a concept for me, I couldn't conceive of being on my own, especially with Kel. And Randy promised to never behave like that again. Her lips twisted in a bitter smile. "I wish to God, I had minded Anna, and left Randy. So many things would have been better for Kel."
"That last day," she paused and studied me intently. "Has he told you about what happened between his dad and him?"
A little," I said softly. "He killed his dad, didn't he?"
"Yes. He told you?"
"I put together the pieces of things he said and based on what Alejhandro said about locked wards and well -" I paused. "And the fact that you both, refer to him in VERY past, past tense."
"Alejhandro?" She asked.
I explained who Alejhandro was and what he was doing for me. And what he was at the moment doing for Kel. Nina listened and nodded.
"Not a day goes by that I don't beat myself for not being there that day. I had switched with another woman at work, so I could be home to celebrate Kel's 18th birthday. He was so excited to turn 18." Her eyes locked with mine suddenly. "If only I had understood WHY he was so excited. I thought it was just normal excitement at becoming an adult, even though I wasn't sure if he understood what being an adult was all about." She shook her head. "Unfortunately, he understood all too well. I remember laughing at him and asking if he thought he'd won the lottery."
"He thought he had: he was sure he'd be free now. Free of his father's attentions. Free to never be hit, choked, raped or hurt again," her voice broke and she started to sob.
"Because now he was an ADULT!" She choked out those words and my gut twisted in pain.
I was out of my chair like I'd been shot. I gathered her in my arms and rocked her. I spoke softly and soothingly to her as if she were a small, scared child. She was so like my darling, for a moment I thought it was him I was holding. It was her hand resting on my arm, that jolted me back to the hospital cafeteria. It was small and delicate, like the rest of her but short fingered, not long fingered like Kel.
"Short fingers," I murmured.
"What?" she asked looking up at me. I had not been aware that I had spoken loud enough to be heard. I explained what I had been thinking.
"Oh yes, Randy had very long fingers. Very elegant hands and he was very vain about their appearance. A broken nail could send him into a deep depression! Such a shallow man really."
Nina straightened up, and brushed her hair back out of her face. Her eyes were haunted and she looked miserable. She studied her hands, picking at a cuticle. When she looked back up at me there was a resigned expression on her face.
"I'll let Kel tell you the details, but apparently while I was at work Randy grabbed him and Kel shook him off. Kel was not anywhere near as thin and frail as he is now, he was actually a fair sized young man at 18."
"Anyway, Kel shook Randy off and told him he didn't HAVE to put up with him anymore because he was an ADULT now."
"Oh sh--," I swore softly.
Nina nodded. "Yes, not the right thing to say under ANY circumstances, but Kel didn't understand that. And Randy reacted predictably, he beat the living hell out of Kel. They told me at the hospital, this one in fact, that they were amazed he was alive after that beating. He had at least two concussions, one of which by rights should have put him in a coma, broken bones, enough internal bleeding ..." She swallowed, her eyes huge.
My hands clenched and I started to shake. In all honesty, it was a good thing Kel's father was already dead because at that moment I could have cheerfully and with no remorse killed him. With my bare hands no less. My insides twisted in pain and I felt physically sick. My Kel, my darling precious Kel, I'd have killed anyone who treated their dog that way. But to treat your son like that! I was shaking in rage.
"Kel never made it to trial, the Grand Jury decided based on his record of mental illness, the police record for domestic violence, as its now called, at our home, and the evidence of several people, as well as the condition of his body at the time - he was seriously head injured among other things, that he was not capable of understanding the consequences of his actions and that he had been driven to his actions. So he was placed for one year in a locked ward of the mental hospital."
"He was evaluated at the end of the year," Nina's voice was expressionless, the voice of someone hanging on to their composure by a thread. "His psychiatrist had determined that he understood WHY he had done wrong and that he was showing remorse."
She shook her head and looked up at me. Tears were brimming in her eyes again and when she started to talk her lower lip trembled.
"I hardly saw him that whole year. I was dealing with my own problems and guilt as well as the rules for visitors were so prohibitive. When I did see him at his evaluation, I was shocked! He got gotten so thin and he looked broken, like he had no spirit left in him."
"He never had looked like that before! NEVER! Even when Randy was raging and he was hiding, he was still vibrant, alive. I cried then and there wondering if my baby would ever smile or laugh again. He has the most amazing smile, you know."
I nodded, my heart pounding. I knew, oh God, how I knew what an amazing smile Kel possessed. And now I was wondering if I'd ever see it again, as well.
"They broke him," Nina's voice was full of hate. "Took my baby boy and broke him, made him afraid, made him hate himself. Not even Randy, who beat him and raped him and treated him like dirt, could break Kel's spirit and his love of life. But those doctors did... Yes, they did," her voice tapered off and she stared off into the depths of the cafeteria for several minutes.
"I remember saying to him that night in the emergency room, 'Thank God you're still alive!' and he said 'Dead is all gone Mom, I don't want to be all gone, I like the sun to much.'" Nina started to shake again, I held her and stroked her arms.
"I have been able to get that moment out of my head. I knew at that moment that I had betrayed him worse than if I'd handed the belt to Randy. I guess I ran after that, and Kel and I have never managed to bridge that gap since."
I held her, feeling how like her son she was and feeling my own sorrow well up in me. Sorrow for the past, for people caught in traps they didn't make, but were unable to get themselves out of, sorrow for the pain in her voice, and the pain in my sweet Kel. We finished our coffee, which was by now cold, and then went upstairs.
Xan was the only one still at the hospital and I introduced him to Nina. He smiled and offered his condolences. Then he hugged her. Nina was surprised but she regained her composure and thanked him. Xan explained, with the help of his notepad, that Mitch had gone to get me clean clothes and Kaleb would back in the morning. He was going out to Micah's to keep an eye on him.
"Ah tay ere wi oo," Xan said. "Ah niye."
I signed Thank you and I Love You.
Xan nodded. Yes he signed. Me too.
I walked with Nina to the psych ward. The nurses gave her much the same greeting they had given me. Ginger, the matronly nurse I had had words with earlier, glared at me and then proceeded to kiss up to Nina, telling her what a terrible shame it was to have Kel back so soon.
I growled a low noise and stomped off to Kel's room. I could understand it in a way. She was his Mom, and she probably enjoyed the sympathy and attention after the miserable life she had led, but still it turned my stomach.
Nina appeared in the door several minutes later. I was sitting by the bed, lightly stroking Kel's arm and softly talking to him. I saw her out the corner of my eye and looked up. She looked flustered as if she had walked in on us making love. I smiled and nodded to the end of the bed. She came over and sat on it.
"Kel is right about one thing," she said softly after a few minutes. "Joe is scared of him. Terrified is the more accurate word. And terrified of the fact that Kevin adores Kel. You know who Kevin is?" I nodded and she went on "But Joe can't control Kevin forever. Kevin is almost 20 and one day he'll realize if he wants to visit Kel, all he has to do is drive up here and do it."
"Anyway, I told the nurses not to restrict you in any way, that you had my permission to live on the end of his bed," she grinned.
"I hope you told Ginger specifically," I growled.
"Ginger? But why? She is the sweetest thing," Nina was puzzled.
I started to explain, but decided it would only make me looked whiny, so I just shrugged and mumbled that I didn't think Ginger liked me much. Nina shook her head, puzzled, but didn't pursue it.
By the time visiting hours were over, I was tired. My nerves were ragged and I felt as if I had run a marathon. Nina didn't look much better herself.
"Where are you staying?" I asked, hoping she wasn't planning to drive back to Portland that night.
"Oh, there's a good hotel close by," She said vaguely.
"Why not stay at the house?" I asked. "It was yours after all, I don't think Kel would mind."
She smiled. "I did that last time, but aren't you living there now?"
"Part of the time," I replied. "Kel isn't quite ready to commit to that step. So we spend time there, and at my apartment. But go ahead, though I have to warn you, we haven't cleaned everything up from last week when my brother was visiting."
Nina chuckled, and we talked about my brother and Christmas for several minutes. Nina told me that Christmas had always been Kel's favorite holiday, and how much he looked forward to it as a child. She asked me about the animals and I explained that the dogs and Keeley were at my place and Mitch would look after them. I asked her to feed the cats and rabbits, and she nodded.
She squeezed Kel's hand and murmured something softly. I jumped up and left the room, not wanting to put her on the spot. I remembered all the things she had said about being emotionally distanced from him. I ached for them both and I wanted my Mama so badly. Tomorrow morning wasn't soon enough, I needed her NOW!
Nina came out of Kel's room a couple minutes later. We talked for another minute longer, then with a quick hug she was gone. I returned to Kel. He was so delicate looking, like a china doll. Like a kick in the gut, it occurred to me that for the first time since the end of September, I was going to sleep without him in arms. I wanted to scoop him up and run, run someplace safe, where it would be just him and me and our love. I gripped my biceps and hugged myself.
I sat down in the chair and leaned forward. Kel's dark hair looked sweaty and matted, and I combed it gently with my fingers. As if to memorize his face, I traced the shape of his nose, lips and chin with my fingers. I walked to the door and shut it softly, then returned to the bed. Sitting beside Kel, I laid my hand softly against his chest. His heartbeat was strong and I sighed feeling it thump against my palm. I leaned forward and kissed him, my tongue traced the same path my fingers had a few minutes before. I rubbed my cheek against his, feeling the sharp bristles. I had no intention of leaving him ever: this was my man, now and forever. No one had ever loved him like I did, no one would ever love him like I planned to love him. He was my heart, my soul, my life. Now and forever.
May 9th, 2004 Mother's Day
Hi all!
My deepest apologies for making you wait so long. It isn't that I dont care, please believe me. But rather that I have been swamped in my own life. And I have been so missing my Mom lately, that I haven't wanted to deal with Kel's Mom. Oddly tho, the original concept I had for her was all wrong, as soon as she started to tell me her story I realized that she is really VERY much like her son.. and just as powerless at times as he.