To Patty: the best surrogate mum I could ever have, even if she nags alot ;-).
Josh's Journey: A Time to Break Down
Christmas was a day to remember forever. Kel's shining eyes, Jem's laughter, and the barking of Crystal and Tova, burned it forever into my memory. Kel had indeed, gone back to Antonine's and discovered that I had admired the waterfall sculpture. He, of course, promptly bought it for me, as well as, the necklace donated to Jem. I, for my part, had also visited her and bought jewelry for Mama and Anita, and a tiny gold wolf earring for Kel. As an added Christmas bonus, Knightman was giving us paid vacation through the fourth of January, for being so far ahead on the project. Ahhh, Christmas was a truly heavenly day. So I was not prepared for what came afterwards.
I jerked awake early in the morning, three days after Christmas. I'm not sure what exactly woke me, maybe it was a general feeling of emptiness in the bed. Maybe the lack of someone next to me caused my awakening, or was it the odd thumping noise in the hallway? But something was wrong, I felt icy fingers walk down my back. I slid out of bed and grabbed a pair of jeans off the pile in the hamper.
"Kel," I said softly, pulling on the jeans.
There was no answer except for the sound coming from the hallway. I hurried across the bedroom and out into the hall where I found Kel. He was pressed so hard against the wall, I almost expected him to melt into the woodwork. The noise I had heard was his hand hitting the wall, something it had been doing for awhile if the blood on the wall was any indication. Kel was also crying: a strangled sobbing, almost as if he was choking while crying. I was terrified: part of me wanted to run as far away as I could go. But the part of me that loved him thoroughly took control of the fear; before I knew I'd moved, I was on the floor beside him.
"Kel. Oh, Kel," I said softly. "What's wrong? Tell me, please tell me."
Kel didn't answer he just kept crying and hitting the wall. I grabbed his hand trying to stop him but he was so strong; he pulled out of my grip. I swore terrified. This was NOT my Kel, not the man who had stood on a chair three days ago, and laughed, and teased a room full of people. This was someone totally different, and I was scared to the soles of my feet.
"Please Kel, stop," I sobbed. "You're hurting yourself."
I pulled his shoulders away from the wall; Kel screamed: a long, high, keening sound. I let go of him and clapped my hands over my ears. He stopped screaming, but he didn't move. He just laid there, his eyes wide and fixed on something I couldn't see. There were bloody scratches on his chest and stomach, and I wondered if some of the scars on his body weren't self-inflicted in a moment of psychotic rage or fear.
"'I... tried to commit suicide... again'" I remembered him saying the first time I had been to the house.
"Holy Mother of God," Jem whispered from behind me.
Jem was standing in his doorway, staring at Kel. He had pulled on a pair of sweats and had a t-shirt in his hands. For the first time since his arrival, he looked only sixteen, and he looked as scared as I felt. I ran my hands through my hair. How did I handle this?
"Jem," I said as calmly as I could, "I'm sorry you have to see this. I don't know what's wrong, but something has 'pushed' Kel beyond the bounds of rationality. This is in no way normal behavior for him." I looked up at Jem. He swallowed and nodded.
"What can I do, Josh," he asked, his deep voice somber.
"The phone, I need to call.. no wait!" Jem stopped walking toward the kitchen and turned back to me. "The bathroom, towels, water.."
Jem scurried behind me and disappeared into the bathroom. I dropped cross legged onto the floor and pulled Kel into my lap. I spoke to him softly, soothingly as I would to a child. He lay stiff in my arms; I rocked him and stroked his body, blood from his hand and chest smeared onto my bare chest and arms. I covered his face and chest with kisses, smearing blood on my face. Jem squatted down beside me, he handed me a washcloth and a couple towels.
"Josh? What--? I don't understand.." His voice tapered off.
"Jem," I said softly, washing Kel's chest. "Kel is schizophrenic, much more so than Anita. I think the excitement of the last couple days has pushed him over the edge, so to speak. On top of all that, he was very badly abused, I would call it tortured, as a child and sometimes his past isn't very far away."
Jem swallowed again, his eyes huge as I explained about Kel's parents' room and how much it had upset him. Tears leaked out of his eyes.
"I caused this," he said softly, looking at his hands.
"NO!" I said sharply. Jem's head jerked up. "You are NOT to blame. At some point, Kel had to confront that room and deal with his fear. You just happen to be here when it happened."
Jem nodded, but he didn't look convinced. Kel suddenly relaxed in my lap as if all the energy had abruptly leaked out of him. He curled up and continued to cry. Jem and I wrapped a towel around his bleeding hand, and I washed his face with a corner of the cloth that wasn't bloody. I was reasonably sure the scratches on his chest were no worse than cat scratches.
"Where's Crystal? Why isn't she here going bananas?" Jem asked.
"I don't know," I answered, fear washing through me again.
Jem took off down the hall. I opened my mouth to stop him, but decided it was better to let him go, he needed to do something. I shifted Kel so that I could stand up: he didn't seem to notice anything I was doing. I carried him into the bedroom and laid him down. The dogs (okay, Tova isn't technically a dog, but..) burst into the room followed closely by Jem.
"They were outside," he said excitedly.
"Kel must have got up to let them out." I thought for a minute. " I wonder if being half asleep it slipped his mind that you were in the other room and he heard something. Maybe that's what scared him."
"God," Jem breathed softly. I hugged Jem and he clung to me, very much just a sixteen year old boy, not that I was feeling very much older at the moment. I rubbed his back and looked down at Kel, he was quiet. I wasn't sure if he was asleep or what, but I pulled up the blanket slowly and covered him. He didn't move, maybe he was okay now.
Jem followed me to the bathroom, where I washed the blood off my chest, arms and face. I rinsed out the wash cloth and threw it in the hamper, then changed my mind and bundled up everything bloody, carried them downstairs, and stuffed them into the washer.
When I got back upstairs, Jem was scrubbing the blood smeared wall. He had a bucket of water, I could smell the Pine-Sol in it, and a small pile of rags. I took the rag out of his hand.
"I'll do that," I said gently. Jem sat down hard. He looked scared. "I'm sorry, Jem. I had no idea this would happen."
"I should hope not!" He said with a semi-hysterical laugh. I hugged him again, then started to clean up the wall. After a minute or so, he grabbed another rag and started to scrub as well, side by side we cleaned my lover's life force off the wall.
By the time we were finished, the sun was coming up and we were both ready for a really big, really hot cup of coffee. We sat in the dining room, at the counter, and drank coffee and talked. We talked about everything under the sun except Kel, maybe we were afraid that if we mentioned the earlier incident there would be a repeat. I had the feeling deep in my stomach that whatever was going wrong wasn't finished yet.
A few minutes after 9:00 am, I dialed Dr. Reicher's answering service. The woman who answered, told me Dr. Reicher was away at a conference, but if it was an emergency they could page her. I asked her to please page the doctor and gave her my name and Kel's, his phone number and a short summary of what had occurred. She said she would page the doctor, but had no idea how long it would take her to respond. However, if the situation got worse, we should go to the hospital emergency room.
I hung up feeling scared and alone. Jem was here, but he was my kid brother, not someone I could lean on for comfort. He needed to lean on me. I wondered briefly if Micah had any experience in dealing with Kel like this, but decided that wasn't a good idea: we'd probably end up accusing each other of having caused the problem. And a fight wasn't going to solve anything.
So I called Xan, I knew he had the week off. Actually I called Kaleb, but he'd tell Xan for me, and when he did, Xan dropped everything and came on the run. He arrived about 15 minutes later, bursting through the door scaring the dogs- and Xan- half to death. They set up such a ruckus, I was sure Kel would come storming out of the bedroom, demanding to know what was going on. But he didn't, and when I went back to check on him, he was just lying on the bed, staring fixedly straight ahead, looking at nothing, seeing... what?
I turned away from the bed abruptly and into Xan's arms. He pulled me close and cradled my head against his shoulder. For the possibly first time in my life, I was the receiver instead giver of comfort. I wrapped my arms around him and held him close.
"Yoss," he said as softly as he could. "Yoss, Ah ere. Ah ere. Et me tay care ov oo. Come on, gi som coffee."
He lead me back down the hall to the kitchen. Xan eased me into a chair at the table. He brought me a cup of coffee and one for himself. Jem sat down shyly and Xan reached out and squeezed his hand. Xan reached up and grabbed the pad of paper off the counter.
"What happened?" He wrote.
I shook my head, I had no idea what happened. I told Xan what Kel had been doing and my suspicions about why he had been doing it. I told him how upset, just cleaning the room, had made Kel. He asked if I had called a doctor.
"Yes, she's at a conference. I thought of calling Alejhandro, my doctor, but I don't know if that's allowed." I chewed my bottom lip. Xan nodded and for awhile we all just stared at each other.
"OH--" I swore loudly. Jem jumped and stared at me with huge round eyes. "Look at us sitting here like its a funeral! Let's go watch a movie or something..." I dropped my head into my hand. "I need to do something, I can't just sit and wait and worry," I said softly. Xan tapped my shoulder and made a scooping gesture fro one hand to the other. The sign for "repeat", I repeated what I said, and he nodded in agreement.
We didn't watch a movie, Kel didn't have a close caption machine for either TV and neither Jem nor I could translate for Xan. Xan decided he wanted a look under the hood of the 'Stang. We took the dogs out-leashing up Tova- and the three of us crowded under the hood of the car. We didn't do much, but it was relaxing anyway to be doing SOMETHING! Xan told us about Knick and Knack, and how Kaleb was running around spoiling them rotten. He had bought a HUGE kitty condo for them. Xan laughed, and said he thought it had been bought for Kaleb, he just let the kittens share. Jem snickered and I laughed.
"Don't tell Kel! He'll want to buy one as well," I said laughing.
I shivered, mentioning Kel had brought it all back again. Xan wrapped his arms around me and stroked my back. I felt another arm on my back and looked up into Jem's bright green eyes. I let go of Xan and hugged him fiercely.
After about an hour, I went into the house to check on Kel. He was curled into a ball in the middle of the bed. I leaned down and touched his cheek: it was cold and clammy. I swallowed nervously and laid down behind him, pulling him close to my belly. I stroked his sides and legs, I had never felt such rigid, tight muscles in my life. My heart was beating so loud I could hear it, a tear ran down my nose and dropped into Kel's hair.
"Please God," I prayed. "I know I haven't been to mass in ages but please, please, don't let Kel be hurt. Please, make him better, please?"
The bed behind me shifted and Xan's head laid on my shoulder. His arm reached around and pulled both Kel and I close, his other arm pillowed under my head. I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against Xan's shoulder. When I looked up a few moments later, it was into the tear-filled eyes of my baby brother.
Oh, Jem," I said. "I'm sorry, your vacation is ruined."
Jem shook his head and climbed up onto the bed. He laid down against Kel and stretched his arm out to my shoulder. The four of us stayed like that for a long while no one speaking just taking comfort from each other's presence. I think I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I remember was hearing:
"Josh, why is your baby brother laying on top of me?" Kel's voice was soft but rough from crying. "I know, I wouldn't have forgotten an orgy."
I sat up so fast that Xan grunted as he was knocked backwards into the headboard. Jem scrambled to a kneeling position and Kel stretched.
"Ow," Kel grunted. "I feel like I've run a marathon." He looked at his towel wrapped hand with a puzzled frown. "Josh, is this some weird form of bondage that you've only just now decided to try out?"
Jem and I stared at him in shock, then stared at each other. Xan sat up, not being able to hear, he hadn't known what had made me move so fast.
"Oh howdy Xan," Kel said. "Josh, just what the heck is going on here?"
I took a deep breath and helped Kel to sit up. Xan moved around to where he could see everyone talking. I slowly unwrapped Kel's hand, it wasn't as horrible as I was afraid it would be, his palm was raw and bloody, but his fingers were uninjured. He stared at his hand in horror.
"Josh, what happened? What did I do?" His voice rose to a cry. I pulled him into my lap and he clung to me. Jem slid off the bed, an embarrassed look on his face, and raced down the hallway.
I looked after him torn between him and Kel. Kel pulled out of my arms and sat shaking in front of me, his arms wrapped around his knees. Xan squeezed my arm.
"Oo steh ere, Yoss. Ah go see bowt im. Oo tay care ov Keh."
Xan disappeared out the door, I could hear his voice booming cheerfully down the hall. I looked at Kel, his eyes were huge and round, his face pale. I cradled his face in my hands.
"Kel, my darling, my treasure, I love you so much," I leaned forward and kissed him. I told Kel everything that I had witnessed that morning. I explained about his hand and told him what I thought had triggered the episode. He sat rock still and stared at me, his eyes still wide. He was so still and quiet, I was almost more afraid now than I was when he was curled up.
"Kel," I said softly. "Are you.." I stopped before saying "okay" because, of course, he wasn't okay. And I was not going to patronize him or make light of what had happened. I was still scared: very, very scared.
And deep down inside, I was wondering if I was able to handle all of this. Would I be able to deal with a lover that could and would occasionally loose all sense of rationality and do things like pound on a wall until he bled. Would I forever wake up in the middle of the night terrified that Kel may have hurt himself again? Was I going to be able, despite all my fine promises, to handle that stress? I shivered.
Kel made a small whimpering sound, like a young child trying hard not to cry. His eyes were filled with tears and so very, very green, his face looked terrified, and my heart felt like someone was squeezing it. I couldn't walk away from him, not now.
"Oh, Kel," I said, pulling him into my lap. I cradled him and rocked him, rubbing his back and arms. "I called Dr. Reicher, she's out of town but the answering service is paging her." I rocked him some more. "It's going to be all right. I'm here, I promise, I'm here."
"Josh, I'm scared. I haven't done this since I was a teenager. The meds keep me from being this way. They keep me sane!" His voice was a cry again. I pulled him close again and he hissed in pain when I brushed the scratches on his torso. He looked down at his chest, then up at me, his eyes wide in terror.
"Shh, Kel, don't-" I started to say 'don't get upset' but that felt so patronizing to me. He had very right to be upset! And then some! "Let's wait until you have a chance to talk to Dr. Reicher, no need to panic now." I laughed nervously. "Besides I already panicked enough for the both of us!"
Tears traveled down his cheeks, without thinking I reached out and caught one of them on the tip of my finger and brought the tear to my mouth. The taste of salt and sweat tingled across my tongue. I twisted Kel around on his back, onto the bed, devouring his mouth. Kel clung to my shoulders. I held him, firm and safe in the circle of my arms. I had promised no one would hurt him again, but how could I protect him from the demons in his own head. I cradled his head in my hands and rested my forehead against his. Our tears mingled together on his cheeks.
"Kel, oh Kel, my precious Kel," I whispered. "I'm here. You can count on me to be here. I promise." Kel's arms tightened around my shoulders.
"Please God," I prayed. "Don't let me be a liar."
I was so wrapped up in Kel, in his mouth on mine, his hands on my body, and his body under mine, that I didn't respond when the phone started ringing. The ringing went on and on then stopped, but still I paid it no attention. I was so intent in Kel and so totally immersed in him that when the phone started ringing again I barely heard it. It wasn't until I heard a knock at the door that I became aware of anything other than Kel.
"Josh?" Jem said softly. I craned my head around. Jem stood in the doorway, chewing his lower lip. He looked nervous: not certain of what he was interrupting. "It's the doctor on the phone."
I practically leaped to my feet and then blushed in embarrassment when I realized my jeans were unbuttoned and my cock was hanging, semi-hard, out of them. Hastily I stuffed it back in, the memory of Kel's hands on me adding more fire to my face. Kel smiled weakly. I held out my hand and helped him up. He stood up shakily and leaned against me for a minute. Kel pushed off from me and walked across the room to Jem. Jem swallowed, his eyes flickered up to me, but to his credit he didn't flinch away from him.. Kel framed his face in his hands.
"Jeremy, Jem, I am so sorry," Kel's voice was soft. "I have ruined your holiday and probably scared you half to death. I wonder if you will ever want to be near me again."
"No, Kel," Jem said. "Josh told me about .. ummm.. your childhood and well everything." He flushed. "That's so awful, I can't imagine it." Tears started up in Jem's eyes. "Now I understand Khalfa. She's just a reflection of your mind, right?"
Kel nodded. Khalfa was the character that went mad in Kel's first book, Bridge Under the River. I had been horrified and fascinated when I read the book.
"Sometimes that's me and sometimes that's not me at all. I apologize that you had to see this."
Jem shrugged. "Stuff happens, and if Josh can deal with it," he straightened up and stuck out his chin, "so can I!"
Kel made a soft noise and pulled Jem into a hug. Jem looked puzzled but returned the hug carefully. I took Kel's arm and reminded him about the phone. He looked frightened; I steered him carefully down the hall, Jem following closely on our heels. Xan was in the kitchen cooking something on the stove. He looked up, in an almost uncanny reflection of a hearing person, as we entered: he was extremely in tune to the tiniest vibrations in his immediate area.
Kel sat on a stool and picked up the phone. He spoke into it. "Yes," it was him, he said, and he was pretty rational right now. He talked to Dr. Reicher for a long while. I hooked my arm through Jem's arm and pulled him into the living room.
"Thank you," I said softly.
"For what?" He asked, genuinely puzzled.
"For not treating Kel as different back there in the bedroom."
"Oh," he shrugged again. " I like Kel, he's way cool. And kinda goofy and he talks to me like an adult. I'm just sad that he hurts so much, even if it makes him a great writer." Jem's face was a mirror of sorrow.
I hugged him. He hugged me back, not seeking comfort this time but giving it. I was deeply impressed with him. He was young, of course, not that I was much older really, but he was maturing into a loving, caring adult. I was eager to see the adult, he would become.
Kel walked in a couple minutes later. His face was pale and his eyes were still huge, but he looked calmer. I held out my arm, and without letting go of Jem, pulled him into a hug. For a moment, I just stood there holding the two men I loved most in the world. Kel stepped back a pace and looked up at me.
"Dr. Reicher is calling in a new medication for me. She is not certain she wants to put me on this one, but if I am sliding that far back, then she thinks it may be her only choice." He shivered. "I just wonder about the side effects.."
Jem made a soft noise, Kel cradled his face and pulled it close to his.
"Oh baby, little brother, I am so terribly sorry you had to see this." He kissed Jem's forehead softly then let go of him and turned back to me. "Madam Doctor says 'Be in my office 9 am Wednesday morning!' " He snickered. "I think she was a drill sergeant in another life." Jem chuckled nervously, his voice cracking.
By this time it was nearly noon, and none of us had eaten since the previous night. The many cups of coffee I had drunk, were sitting uneasily in my stomach. The smell of whatever Xan was cooking, was beginning to reach us in the living room and I heard my tummy rumble. Kel snickered, his eyes dancing. I was so relieved to hear his laughter that my knees wobbled. I leaned heavily on Jem for a moment.
Xan appeared in the doorway. The sun coming in through the patio doors illuminated him, giving him a golden aura. His blond curls were pulled back into a ponytail. He grinned.
"Ah cook steak an sramled eggs. Oo wan som?" His voice boomed through the quiet.
Kel smiled and signed the familiar knocking motion: "yes". He rubbed his chest with his open hand: "please."
As we walked back to the kitchen, Jem asked Kel about his signing and Kel explained he was learning a few of the basic signs. Kaleb had shown him, please, thank you, etc. Others he was learning from Kaleb's old workbook, that Kaleb had loaned him, when he came to pick up the kittens. I was surprised, I hadn't known any of this. Kel just shook his head at me.
Lunch was a pleasant meal, in spite of the way the day had begun. Kel was quiet, but Jem made up for it with chatter. He was nervous and scared, and coping with it the way normal sixteen year old boys do, by talking continuously. Once when I opened my mouth to say something to him, Kel had stepped on my foot. He made a barely discernible shake of the head, then he winked. I smiled at him and let Jem chatter on.
After eating, we cleaned up and Xan got the dishes into the dishwasher. I offered to go get Kel's meds but I wasn't sure how to get to the pharmacy he used. He started to give me directions, then shook his head.
"If you don't mind driving, I'll navigate," He said softly. "But I need a shower first, I feel," he paused, "icky, dirty."
I nodded. I wasn't sure if he wanted me to fuss over him or not, but I followed him down the hall to the bedroom anyway. I hung about in the background, changing my jeans and finishing getting dressed, as Kel showered, shaved and got dressed. For the holidays he had changed the stud in his ear to a tiny gold ring, which he now replaced with the wolf I had given him. He looked tired and worried; I noticed he was subconsciously reaching and lifting things trying to locate his cigarettes as well.
Xan left before we did. He hugged me and gave me a note. He hugged Kel and told him take care. Jem, he hugged and gave another note; I wondered what they had talked about while I was taking care of Kel. I carried my note to the kitchen, and leaning against the patio doors, read what he had written.
Josh:
My very best friend, after Kaleb, in the world: What you have chosen here is a job far more difficult than you realized, and I am sure you are understanding that now, for yourself. I admire and am in awe of you, I would have run in fear by now. But always, always know I am here, anytime you need me I am here. I can be there in minutes. I am going to talk to Kaleb about getting a TDD for your place, then if you just need to talk you can.
Love is what it is all about Josh. The love we give one another, the love we have for our families, friends and partners. I see the love radiate out of you, I feel your heart pounding with that love. Never give it up, Josh. Never lose it. Never leave it behind.
Always I love you
Xan
"Josh?" Kel's voice was soft. I turned to him, fresh tears on my cheeks, and handed him Xan's note. He glanced at it and then looked up at me.
"Are you sure?" His eyes asked. I nodded. He read it quickly and looked up at me. "He cares about you a lot."
"Yes," I said, looking out the door to the backyard. Kel folded up the paper and handed it back to me. I looked outside for another moment, then straightened up.
"But it's YOU I love," I whispered, wrapping my arms around Kel's waist. He snuggled up against me.
"Thank you, Josh" he whispered. "You have NO idea how much I love you."
We picked up Kel's new meds and then went to a movie. I don't think we really wanted to go to a movie, but we wanted to return to the house even less. After the movie, we drove over to my apartment. Jem had wanted to see Mitch and had some things for him from his Mom. He also wanted to see the apartment for himself.
Mitch was just waking up when we got there and he was excited to see Jem as well. He hugged him and commented on how much he'd grown. Jem blushed and flashed that dimple again. There was a lot of laughing and talking, as Jem got us caught up on what was going on at home, and who was doing what, and with whom. By the time we left, I think all three of us felt a lot better and a lot more relaxed.
The rest of the vacation passed rather quickly. We spent New Year's at Kaleb and Xan's. Jem had been hoping that Fen would be there, but apparently Colin's family had invited them over there. Kel was enchanted by the kitty condo and had to explore every inch of it. He also looked the kittens over minutely and declared that they were being spoiled rotten. We ate, drank a little- nonalcoholic for Kel and Jem- and watched the ball drop at Time Square. At midnight we hugged each other and cheered in the New Year.
Kel never made to Dr. Reicher's office, Wednesday morning her receptionist called to cancel the appointment. There had been a death in her family, and she was on her way back east even as they spoke. Kel wasn't too upset about it and scheduled a new appointment on the 8th.
Jem went with me to Antonine's, to pay the last installment owed on the Sunrise rings. Antonine blushed deeply when I thanked her for helping to make the holiday so special. She was very charmed by Jem, who also thanked her for the beautiful necklace. She laughed when we explained about the swap.
"See, I tell you to buy a few small extras.. you never know!" She grinned up at us.
We spent the last three days of Jem's vacation in typical tourist fashion. We took him to the aquarium and Pike's Place Market, then up to the Space Needle. One day we went down to Olympia and spent the day exploring the capital. I think we hit every tourist trap between Shoreline and Olympia. We wanted to go up to Mt. Rainer but most of it was closed; I promised Jem, I'd have him back down in the summer for a couple weeks. He hugged me and then Kel.
"You guys are the best big brothers a guy could have!" He laughed.
Both Kel and I, got teary eyed and assured him that he was the best baby brother on the planet. We all sort of looked at each other for a moment, then the testosterone kicked in and we started laughing. So much for that tender moment!
I had my appointment with Alejhandro on the 4th. I told him about what had happened the previous Friday. He was shocked and very sympathetic.
"Josh, you can ALWAYS call me. There are some things I am not allowed to do legally, but I am a doctor, says so on my license." He grinned at me. "So, if you can't get a hold of his doctor, do feel free to call me."
"Thank you," I said.
"De nada, mi amigo. That's why I got into this business, to help people."
We talked for awhile and he asked me questions and complimented me on keeping my head and handling the situation so well.
"I was scared. I don't think I have ever been that scared in my life!" I said. "And I'm still scared, I am so afraid I'll get cold feet and run off."
"It wouldn't be the first time it's happened, Josh," he said soberly. "Mentally ill persons are difficult to deal with, difficult to live with, and all the harder because in so many cases it isn't their fault."
Alejhandro gave me some statistics about break-up, divorce and foster care rates for mentally ill people. I was shocked at how high they were. And saddened as well, that so many people couldn't find someone as loving and lively as Kel.
By the time I left I was feeling so much better and a little proud of myself for the way I had handled things the prior week. I took Jem and Kel out for dinner that night. We had a great time and managed to ignore the shadow lurking in the back of our minds.
Kel's new meds made him wired, which I thought was odd, so he would write for awhile, then get up and rush around frantically cleaning or pacing. We started running to use up some of that energy, as well as to keep us in shape. He was putting weight back on and was up to about 150 by now; I wanted him to put it on as muscle not fat. Jem had informed us that he ran at home and had brought his running shoes so he could continue while on vacation. The first week he had gone out by himself. The second week, the three of us went and so did Crystal and Tova.
Kel's biggest fear with the new medicine was that it would affect his sex drive. I hadn't known it but most psychological drugs had that side effect.
"I was on one once, that not only did I NOT want sex, but I didn't want another person around me.. kissing was too much to get an interest in," he said, his hand lightly stroking my bare arm.
I nuzzled his neck and ear. "Yeah? Crud, what did you do?"
He laughed breathily. "I stomped into the doctor's office finally and threw them at him. Told him I'd rather be effin crazy than unwilling to eff! He changed them."
The sound of Kel's laughter was music to me, I was so relieved to hear it. I leaned down and teased his lips, jaw and neck with my tongue and lips. He squirmed and moaned. I worked my way down to his chest. His fingers tangled in my hair. I loved him and I was prepared to show him all the ways I loved him. The satisfaction of hearing him cry out my name was secondary to the enjoyment of just having him in my arms.
Jem went home on the afternoon of the 5th. We took him to the airport and all three of us tough guys cried. I promised Jem I'd have him down in the summer and reminded him that we'd be up in 4 months anyway.
"Four months! That's half a lifetime!" He yelped, his voice cracking. We laughed and hugged again.
I watched at the window until the plane was in the air. There was an ache in my chest and my gut as I watched my much loved baby brother disappear into the sky. Kel wrapped his arm around my waist and leaned against me. I squeezed him back.
For the last day of my vacation, I decided to take Kel away from his house. I wanted him to relax and get away from the things that were spooking him. So we packed up the dogs and Keeley and went out to my place. For some reason, we just could not get enough of each other on the drive there. It was like we'd been apart for months, at every stop light we would kiss. Kel's hand on my leg was driving me crazy. I was so hard I could barely see, much less steer the car. By the time we got there, I was crawling out of my skin.
Somehow, we managed to get the dogs and Keeley in the house. Will's car was parked in the back by Mitch's, but there was no sign of either of them in the house. The dogs, of course, made for Mitch's door and barked until it opened. Keeley squawked and flew into the bedroom and perched on my alarm, on its shelf by the door. For myself, I barely managed to get the door shut before I was ripping Kel's clothes off of him. We tumbled into the bed, wrapped frantically around each other.
We made love fast and hard. The anxiety of the last week was reflected in the ferocity of our loving. Hands clenched arms and kisses that bruised lips, I needed to be as deep in Kel as I could get and my urgency lent force to my thrusts. Kel cried out and twisted under me, his nails scraped down my arms, leaving angry red marks. I didn't care: I was in him where I wanted to be, needed to be. My orgasm, when it came, was explosive and I collapsed onto the bed. I rolled over and pulled him on top of me, his lips met mine and I was drowning in him. There was nothing in the world but him, his lips, his hands, his body.
Kel dropped his hand down to the bed to steady himself and jerked it back as if he'd been bitten. He reared up with a scream, his eyes were wide and he was as white as the bed sheets.
"Kel? What's wrong?" I asked, sitting up.
He backed up against the wall, his eyes still wide in terror. He pointed at the bed beside me. I looked down; lying beside me, tangled in the sheets, was an extension cord, the very thing Kel told me he couldn't tolerate. I looked up, first at Kel, his eyes wide in terror and then up at my alarm clock which was off.
"How could you?" He screamed. "Is this your idea of a sick joke?"
"Kel, no," I said, striving to remain calm and trying to get the cord out of the bed and out of the room..
"What, did you decide to see for yourself what one of those things does when it hits a bare back? IT CUTS!" His voice rose higher. "IT CUTS, YOU HEAR! Do you know how it feels to be tied down with one, cutting into your wrists, while a horse cock is being slammed down your throat?!"
"Kel, please! It's an accident! I didn't put it there, Mitch must have borrowed it! Remember I haven't even been here in over a week!" I said loudly, but he was too far gone to hear me.
"Oh my God, oh god, one tied around your neck, slowly, slowly squeezing your air out! Until you pass out! His favorite way to make that damned psycho 'normal': choke the little bastard until he passes out! Then he's normal for awhile!"
"Holy Sh-!" I said in shock.
Kel reared back against the wall. "How could you? I trusted you! You're no better than He was! OH god, oh my god!"
He fell forward, burying his face in his hands. I leaned forward and grabbed his shoulders, crying out his name and begging him to listen to me. He went rigid in terror under my hand and jerked up and backwards off of the bed. I was knocked backwards when he moved and became tangled in the bedding. Kel was standing pressed against the wall between my clothes and the clock shelf. His eyes were wide in terror and he was panting. His hands came up to his face and he let out a sudden keening cry. The cry rose higher and higher in pitch until it was a scream. I was half paralyzed in fear. From the front of the house there was the howl of an enraged wolf. Keeley screeched in terror. Kel's scream cut off.
"I gotta go.. gotta get out of here.. go somewhere.. safe .. gotta go.." he said looking around himself. Tova came running so fast he slid on the linoleum in the kitchen, Crystal close behind.
"Kel?" I said. "Kel! Listen to me, please Kel, listen to me!"
I tried to reach him but my feet were tangled in the sheets. He didn't answer he just kept repeating he had to get out of here. He ran into the kitchen, Tova close behind. I swore as I ripped the sheets off of the bed. I heard the outside door slam. Mitch met me in the kitchen while I was trying to get into my jeans and run to the door at the same time. Mitch had on his ratty jeans and was also buttoning them on the run.
"Josh? What the hell was that? What did you do?" Mitch asked. Will appeared in the kitchen door, wearing only his jeans as well.
"The absolute, worst, damn thing that could have happened. I'll explain later. Right now we have to keep him from leaving."
I wrenched the door open. Crystal surged out into the yard and through the open gate. Kel was sitting in his car pounding on the steering wheel and screaming at it to start. I was almost to the car when he wrenched the door open and tumbled out. He hit the ground hard but was on his feet faster than I would have thought he could be after falling. He was still naked. He took off running up the driveway toward the street.
"Crap Josh! We better get him before the neighbors call the cops!" Mitch yelled. I nodded and took off.
"Crystal, pen! Pen, Crystal!" I yelled praying she would still remember her training from the ranch.
Crystal barked and started running around Kel, Tova sensing danger, perhaps, joined her. She wouldn't let Kel go forward and slowly, she started backing him up. He was crying in terror and his hands were swinging around to ward off things no one but he could see. I ran up and grabbed Kel. He let out a scream of terror.
"Shh, Kel. Shh, its me. Its Josh. Please Kel, its okay. I'm here. I'm here." Will came up on my side, holding one of the blankets off of my bed. I nodded to him and he wrapped it around Kel.
"Mitch! Call this number and tell whoever answers, that Josh Sanclere HAS to talk to Dr. Alejhandro Guevarra, RIGHT NOW! It's an emergency!"
I gave Mitch the number and he took off for the house as Kel suddenly went limp in my arms. I would have dropped him if Will hadn't been there. I turned the blanket wrapped man around in my arms. His eyes were wide in terror but he wasn't seeing me. He was seeing something else. Something horrifying.
"There's blood everywhere." Kel cried. "There's blood on me."
"Kel. You're here with me. With Josh. It's okay. The blood is gone. Remember Jem and I cleaned it up. It's gone."
Kel looked up, his breathing was rapid. His eyes were unseeing and he looked terrified.
"Blood." He whimpered. "Blood everywhere.. Mom will be so mad.. I'll be beaten again.. blood."
"Kel, look at me. Its Josh, whatever you're seeing isn't there. But I am, please Kel."
Kel's mouth opened in a scream, but no sound came out. Suddenly his eyes rolled up and he collapsed, this time I almost dropped him, if Will hadn't been standing so close, I would have. I hooked my arm under his knees and picked him up, he lay limp in my arms. Without a word I turned and walked back up the driveway, through the gate and into the house. Tova nosed at the blanket around Kel's legs. I laid him on the bed and he immediately curled into a ball.
"Kel, please, oh Kel," I moaned, staring down at the fetal body in my bed. Twice in just fractionally over a week, I didn't need a medical degree to know this meant a return to the hospital.
I brushed past Mitch, who's eyes were eloquently begging for an explanation. He started after me, but Will grabbed his arm and hissed something softly. Crystal and Tova swarmed around me, scared and uncertain. The phone was in the living room, but instead of picking it up, I dropped heavily on the couch, burying my head in my hands. I was shaking and trying hard not to cry. The couch shifted and an arm wrapped around my shoulders and pulled me close. I smelled scotch and sex, and leaned heavily on Mitch's shoulder. He murmured soft words of comfort, not much different than Xan had the prior week.
Mitch handed me the phone. "It's Dr. Guevarra, himself." he murmured.
"Hello? Alejhandro?"
"Josh! Gracias Dios, Josh. What has happened? Talk to me!" Alejhandro's deep voice rumbled through the phone line.
Somehow, I managed not to give in to the wave of fear, depression and anger that was threatening to overwhelm me. Slowly, I explained to Alejhandro about the extension cord. I shuddered in horror, I now knew why they so terrified Kel. What that child had endured in his life! Mitch started to get up, but I waved him back and mouthed "don't go."
"Holy Mother of Jesus," Mitch said softly, after I repeated to Alejhandro what Kel had screamed at me. "I'd kill the son of a --," his voice tapered off.
I shivered again, fear and suspicion running almost neck and neck in my head. Was that why Kel's dad was gone "Just gone."? Was he dead? Did someone kill him? Did he die of the injuries that had landed Kel in the locked ward? I started to really shake now. A second arm materialized around my shoulders, I smiled gratefully at Will.
"Josh," Alejhandro swore softly in Spanish. "This is not good, mi amigo. Have you called Lee?"
"No, Dr. Reicher is away on a family emergency until Wednesday," my voice shook.
"Josh, Kel needs to go back into the hospital. He needs to be someplace safe until his medication can be balanced. You can't watch him every second of his life, and frankly, it's more responsibility than you should have to handle. This, Josh, is when relationships come apart."
"No," I moaned softly. "Never."
"No what, Josh?" Alejhandro asked. "No to the hospital or no to splitting up."
"No to splitting up," I said hoarsely, all my fears and anxieties of last week flooding my consciousness again.
"Bueno, good." Alejhandro said. "I will help you all I can, Josh, trust me."
"Thank you, Alejhandro." I whispered.
"That's what I am here for, Josh. I will call in a request for an ambulance to come get Kel, then call the hospital and let them know he's coming. Give me your address and phone number. Do you know Kel's GP, by any chance."
Alejhandro's deep voice was strangely comforting. I felt the tension oozing out of me as I gave him the information he requested. He asked me a few questions about what had happened, and then assured me he'd meet us at the hospital.
"Alejhandro, one question before you go."
"Yes?"
"Isn't this your office number? Why didn't your answering service pick it up?"
"Ahh, because I am at the office, right now. And also because in the words of my beloved I am "an overprotective mother hen" to my patients. I worry that someone will get discouraged if they have to wait for me to call back." He chuckled. "Fortunately, Linc is a doctor's son so he knows what doctor hours are like."
"All right Josh," he went on. "Make sure you have Kel's ID and insurance card for the hospital." Alejhandro named a hospital closer to Newcastle, and I sighed, it was the one Kel had been in before we met.
I hung up and just sat staring at the wall for a minute, it was all too much! I was terrified and hurt, my insides felt as if they had been shredded. I had never realized that emotional pain could hurt so much physically. Sure, when I left home I had hurt about Anita's rejection, but I was also excited to be going, to be starting a new adventure. Now I just hurt, like I'd been the one to get the beating. Mitch's arm tightened around my shoulders.
"You okay," Will asked, his eyes looked concerned.
I nodded. "Alejhandro is calling an ambulance to take Kel to the hospital."
Mitch sucked in his breath in a hiss. Will nodded.
"Josh, do you have any idea what kind of arrangements Kel has for these times, when he is not competent to deal with his affairs?" Will asked.
I shuddered. "I don't... but maybe the hospital knows, he was there last August. Or Kara might know. Or Micah. I'll call them.. later."
It seemed like hours before the ambulance got there, although, I am sure it was only twenty minutes or so. I walked to my room to check on Kel, he was still curled into a ball in the middle of the bed. I shivered and ran to the bathroom. My stomach rolled but didn't actually eject anything, I leaned against the sink panting.
A hot shower sounded oddly soothing and I took a quick one. As I was finishing up, I heard Mitch closing the dogs in his room. I hadn't thought of that, but it was a good idea because I wasn't sure what Tova's reaction would be to the paramedics taking Kel away. I wasn't even sure of what my reaction would be!
I was just getting my shirt tucked in when I heard a knock at the door. Will answered and let the paramedics in the kitchen. There were two older men, probably in their 40s, and soft spoken. They asked questions about Kel and I answered them, hopping on one foot, then the other as I put on my socks and sneakers. One of them, a good looking dark haired man, told me that Alejhandro had ordered a sedative for Kel, to help relax him. I shuddered and leaned against the door frame. Will put his arm around my shoulder and asked if I need to sit down. I shook my head and straightened up.
Gently the paramedics lifted Kel onto the stretcher and pulled a sheet and blanket up over him. The older man lifted Kel's left hand and examined the ring. He shot a glance at me. His eyes smiled.
"You'd better keep this ring. It looks valuable. Lots of things go missing in a hospital."
He worked the Sunrise ring off Kel's finger and the silver ring off his right thumb, and handed them to me. The rings were warm with Kel's body heat but rapidly cooled down. I swallowed and closed my hand into a fist around the rings.
"Yeah," said the younger guy. "You don't want that to get stolen."
"Thank you," I said softly. He nodded.
They finished tucking the blanket around Kel and strapped him down. He looked so young, so innocent, so much like he was sleeping. My gut twisted in pain and for a moment I thought I was going to throw up. My whole body ached and I trembled. Will tightened his arm around my shoulders, we moved back into the kitchen to let the paramedics carry Kel out. There couldn't have been more pain and sorrow in me if he had been dead!
"Do you need me to call anyone?" Mitch asked.
"Please call Kaleb, I'm not sure I can do it twice in a week," I answered.
Mitch nodded. He walked with me out to the ambulance. I saw a curtain, in the house to the north, twitch as somebody shut it real quick. I gestured that direction and Mitch nodded. She was always monitoring our comings and going. Who knows what she thought of Will and Kel being there so much.
The older paramedic stepped back and told us they were ready to go and did I want to ride up in the ambulance? I was surprised, for some reason it never occurred to me that I would be allowed to ride with Kel. I shoved the rings into the pocket in my jeans and ran to the door of the ambulance.
"Do you have his ID and insurance card?" the older man asked.
I nodded. I had put Kel's wallet into my front jeans pocket when I got dressed, my own wallet was in the usual back one.
"All right then," He said, holding his arm out to me. I grasped his hand and was pulled up into the ambulance. I turned and glanced back, Mitch waved, then the door shut.
I'd never been in an ambulance before, the paramedic gave me a quick introduction and then showed me where to sit and how to fasten my belt. He sat in his seat and hook his belt. I leaned forward and touched Kel's face, there was no reaction, the sedative had kicked in by now.
"Oh Kel, my treasure, please smile at me again." I thought.
The ambulance bumped a bit as it pulled out into the street and accelerated. I clutched the blanket tucked under Kel's chin.
"Please? I can't exist without that smile." I thought as the ambulance turned the corner, away from the comfort and peace of home - into what? I didn't know, but whatever it was I would be there at Kel's side! I was sure of it.
April 4, 2004
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