If you are not of age of consent in your area (18 or 21), please do not read on. I never got that rule, I mean who needs access to erotica more then lonely gay teenagers? Anyway, it's not my rule. If you're offended by gay men having sex, or being in love, then what the heck are you doing here? Go away.
This is my story, I wrote it from my own mind. Any relations to events in real life is purely coincidental. Do not reprint this story without permission.
This is my first submission. Please be nice. If you don't like it I don't care, unless you can tell me why you don't like it. Then I am very interested. Thank you
Mason
Have you ever been with someone, like in the biblical sense, and after the deed was done and all that good stuff and then your lying in each other's arms in that post-orgasmic bliss and you suddenly realize that you feel totally at peace, happy and safe? I'm not talking that regular happy and safe feeling that you inevitably feel, it's better then that, and it's not just that the sex was better. It's like you realize that this is the place you've been looking for, in this persons arms. You realize you've found your soul mate.
Then comes the fear. Actually, I would characterize it as complete terror. The fear is that he won't feel the same way, or knowing that he doesn't feel the same way. The terror that even though you know exactly what you want for the rest of your life, you won't get it, because he won't want you, or he doesn't love you. That is the scariest feeling in the world. That's what I'm feeling right now, as I lay here in bed, holding the man of my dreams, the man I've wanted for the last three years of my life. I've never been more scared in my entire life.
Let's back up to the beginning. I'm Jim, or Jimmy to anyone who can still get away with it (namely my mother and my best friend Cody). I'm 21, 6'2" 165lbs, dark brown hair and brown eyes. I'm a swimmer, I've got the stereotypical swimmers body. A date once told me that my eyes sparkle more the happier I am. I've also been told that I'm a hunk. I don't see it, but I must be okay because when I go out I almost never come home with less then three phone numbers.
As I'm sure you've all guessed, I am totally and completely head over heels in love with Cody. I have loved him for at least three years. That's why he can get away with calling me Jimmy. He could probably get away with calling my shit eater if he wanted to.
Cody is a soccer player, he's 5'9" 165lbs, totally built, and he is a complete hottie. He has light brown hair, but it's usually blond because he's out in the sun on the soccer field all the time. He has these blue eyes that I get lost in. His eyes twinkle with his moods, I can tell the difference because I spend so much time looking into them. Cody and I have been friends since high school. He and I and a couple other guys all hung out in high school. I had a huge crush on him, but I wasn't out yet. I finally told him that I was gay about a month before we graduated. He grinned up at me once I'd finally stammered it out; I looked at him grinning at me, thinking he had gone loopy or something. He cuffed me gently on the side of the head and said "Stupid, I already knew that." And that was the end of it. Nothing changed, actually it got better, we became closer. I kept getting the feeling that he was making veiled passes at me, but figured it for wishful thinking.
Then tragedy struck. It was graduation evening, so naturally we were all out partying. We always kept an eye on each other at parties. Cody found me at a party we were at and told me he was going to go with a couple of guys to get stoned. They were guys he barely knew, but they were offering free pot, so he wasn't going to pass them up. Cody was mad for pot, but he only had small windows when he could smoke and still pass the drug tests that might come with sports. So when he got an offer at the right time he almost never refused. I was on my way to getting drunk with the guys from the chess club (ever gotten a bunch of nerds drunk? It's just about the funniest thing I've ever seen) so I was happy. He found me and told me what was up, I saw the guys and recognized them from the halls, but didn't even know their names. I didn't think about any possible danger. I was naive. I told him not to do anything I wouldn't do. My guilt about my naivety and that statement would put me into therapy for a year and a half. Cody's therapy lasted much longer then that.
I didn't see Cody for the rest of the night, but I was too drunk to worry, I figured he got stoned and then the guys he was with took him home. It wasn't unusual for us to get separated like that. When Cody's dad woke me up at 8 am the next morning he was beginning to panic. No one could find Cody. Cody's dad was and is a total hippy. A father and son couldn't be more different, but they got along incredibly well. I told his father exactly what happened as I got dressed to help in the search. My mother already had two thermoses of coffee for us as we headed out the door. My mother is cool like that, she knew without even asking that I would need coffee for my roaring hangover.
We found Cody at the second hospital we checked. No ID, and still unconscious he was down as a John Doe. He had been raped repeatedly and by at least two men. The doctor told us that he would be fine physically; there would be no lasting physical problems once the tearing and bruises healed. Emotional healing was another story. When the doctor told us Cody's dad went limp and I think he passed out. I was too busy running the rest room and throwing up my mother's coffee to pay much attention.
Once Cody woke up his parents went in to see him. Then he asked to see me. I had been worried that he would associate me with his attackers because I was gay. I was shaking as I entered the room. He held out his arms to me looking like a small child asking for a good night hug. I went to him immediately and took him in my arms. Nothing was said; the sound of sobbing filled the room. Cody's body shook as he clung to me, soaking my shirt with his tears. Holding him like that I knew that I would do anything to take this pain away from him. I knew that I would have taken the rape if I could have, just to spare him. I knew then that I was in love with Cody, and I always would be.
Once you hit bottom there's no place to go but up. And that's how it was for Cody. He loved life too much to give up on it. I came to realize, in the coming months, that Cody was the bravest person I know. We both testified at the trial, Cody did perfectly. The guys went to jail for 15 years each. When they were sentenced, I saw Cody smile for the first time since the attack.
Life went on after that, we went to the same college, Cody was still in counseling, and slowly the old Cody started to come back. After about two years the sparkle was finally almost completely back in his eyes.
That's when life threw me another curve ball. I was out at a local gay dance club one night, I was doing what I always did, getting drunk and trying to forget that the love of my life was a straight guy who was my best friend. And then I saw him, or actually them. Cody, my Cody, and another guy, equally good-looking, and they were dancing together. Very very close together. There was no mistaking it. Cody was on a date, with a guy. It was my worst nightmare come true. Cody was gay, or Bisexual, which in and of itself should have been wonderful. The horrible part was that he obviously didn't want me. I was crushed. I didn't want to look, but I couldn't take my eyes off the site. Cody was looking into this mystery mans eyes with a seductive intensity I had never seen in his eyes before. The guy was running his hands all over Cody. I had to fight the urge to go up and punch the guy. As if by reading my mind Cody suddenly looked in my direction. I didn't take the time to read the emotions in his eyes. I threw a bill on the bar to cover my tab and left. As I drove away I saw him running out after me, I didn't slow down.
That night I went to my friend Shelly's place and proceeded to get more drunk then I've ever gotten. Somewhere in the drunken haze I proposed to her. She, knowing the entire story, accepted, knowing it wasn't serious. In my hangover the next day I decided that it might not be a bad idea. I wanted Cody, and I wanted children. If I couldn't have Cody then I could at least have children. I told Shelly this, and she didn't think it was that bad an idea. Shelly wasn't one for monogamy, so an open marriage appealed to her. We decided to get together and talk seriously about it later in the week.
Later that day, my hangover had just quieted down to a dull roar when the inevitable knock on the door came. Cody stood there leaning his arm against the door jam, looking more contrite then I have ever seen him.
"Hey"
"Hey," I said, trying really hard to sound nonchalant. "Come on in."
There was an awkward silence, Cody seated himself at my desk and looked down at his hands lying limply in his lap. I waited.
"So... I have something to tell you." I had to stop myself from laughing out loud.
"No shit."
He took a deep breath, still not looking at me he spoke in just above a whisper, "I'm gay."
"So I guessed." He winced at my cold tone, but didn't return my anger.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you." I finally met his gaze and there were tears in his eyes, my anger lost its edge and I decided to change the subject.
"The guy was hot, been seeing him long?" My voice sounded nonchalant again. Cody glanced up at me briefly and then went back to examining my carpet.
"No, I met him that night at the coffee house, I don't even remember his name."
I bit my tongue to keep a comment about him going off with strange guys quiet. I decided to play my trump card.
"Well I have a surprise for you too." He looked up at me, waiting. "Shelly and I got engaged last night."
Silence. Then he found a faint voice. "W...What?"
"Well we both want kids, but don't want a traditional marriage, so we decided it was a great idea." He stared at me, shocked.
"But you're gay."
"So maybe I'm bi," I shrugged. "You're not the only one that can keep secretes." Cody was silent for a minute.
"You can't do that."
"Can't do what? Get married?" I asked. He nodded. "Why not?"
"You just can't do that," He got up and paced the room as he spoke again. "You should wait for some one special."
"Shelly is special."
"You know what I mean," still pacing, "Your soul mate is out there Jimmy, you'll find him, you can't just give up."
"I already found him." Cody stopped in his tracks and looked at me, confused, he was five feet from where I was sitting. I rose and stepped towards him until we were so close we were almost touching. I looked down into those endless blue eyes and whispered. "I found him long ago, and he doesn't want me."
Cody stared up at me, confusion written all over his face. We seemed to stand there forever before the confusion went away, his eyes registered recognition. He looked away first.
"I..." He started and then trailed off, not really knowing what to say.
"You were just leaving." The coldness in my voice surprised even me. He nodded and left without looking at me, as he brushed past I saw tears in his eyes again.
I didn't talk to Cody for a month after that. I'd see him across the quad and look away. Shelly and I decided not to get married, but we were still talking seriously about having children and co-parenting them together. But we both knew that marriage wouldn't work, even if it were an open one. Two weeks into that month that Cody and I didn't speak I downed a bottle of sleeping pills. Five minutes later I stuck my finger down my throat and puked them all up. I scared myself back into therapy.
It had been one month and three days since Cody and I spoke when he approached me in the coffee house on campus. He was a beautiful as ever, balancing his coffee and a bag stuffed with books.
"Hey" He looked like a scared child, afraid I was going to yell at him. When I didn't, he continued. "This seat taken?"
"No, help yourself, I'll get out of your way." I started to close my books and notebook to leave. He caught my arm as I stood.
"Please don't." His eyes were begging me. I sat back down.
He sat drinking his coffee and watched me in silence as I finished my last equation. I closed my books up and was packing to go before he spoke.
"How's Shelly?" I shrugged and told him I didn't know. I looked up and saw the question in his eyes.
"Broke off the engagement, stupid drunk idea anyway." I shrugged again.
"Oh." He studied his coffee, I saw a small smile escape his lips, and then disappear. I got lost momentarily looking at his silken hair, he looked up at me and I thought I was drowning in his eyes. He opened his mouth to say something, but before he could somebody knocked into our table, spilling our mostly empty coffee cups, causing us both to jump away from the approaching waterfall and cussing simultaneously at the guy, who was already halfway across the room. The trace was broken and I suddenly looked at my watch.
"I gotta get to class."
He sighed. "Yeah, me too."
He looked at me and smiled, and I suddenly realized how much I had missed his friendship. I smiled back.
"We're goin' to Don Pablos this Friday, Wanna' come?" The question was out of my mouth before I could think. Friday was our usual out to dinner night. Shelly, me, Cody, and a couple other friends usually went out to eat every Friday, we're all in different programs, so we liked to get together every week to keep up. Cody had missed the last month.
"Sure," the smile widened, "Usual time?"
"Yeah, we'll pick you up?"
"Great. See ya then"
And that was it. We slowly got back to normal. It took a couple of weeks, but then we were back to acting like the whole engagement and me basically professing my love to him conversation never happened. We were best friends again. We even went to the local gay bar together, we cruised guys together, talking about who was hot, and making fun of peoples dancing ability.
This peace lasted another year. Then my life turned upside-down. It was a warm fall night. We had just had finished one of our regular Friday night dinner. I was walking Cody home because it was on my way. He had been serious and quiet most of the nigh, which wasn't like him at all.
"What's wrong with you?" I asked glancing sideways at him as we walked.
"Nothing; just tired."
"What?" I asked teasingly "Some new boy keeping you up at night?"
He shook his head and was silent as we walked on. We entered his apartment complex, and headed towards his unit at the back.
"Why didn't you ever tell me how you felt about me?" He asked without looking at me. The question came out of left field and shocked the hell out of me. We'd never talked about this. I shook my head as I tried to form a response.
"I didn't want to scare you away, especially after the attack, I thought you might see me as just another one of them. I didn't want to scare you like that. I didn't want to lose you."
He thought about this for a while. "How can you want me?" He whispered, his voice thick with emotion, he sounded like he was about to cry.
"What do you mean?"
"I'm damaged goods."
"Bullshit." The firmness in my tone startled him and he stopped and looked at me through tear filled eyes. "That's fucking bullshit." I said it just a firmly as the first time, I met his gaze and held it. We had stopped on the walk in front of his unit. The tension was thick in the air. Suddenly he turned away and walked to his front door. I watched as he slipped his key into the lock and stop, leaning his forehead against the door. He said something I couldn't make out. I moved closed as I asked him what he said. I stopped just inches behind him. I was so close I could feel his body heat.
"I said... what do you see in me?"
I turned him around to face me. I put my hand on the side of his neck, my fingers feeling the back soft skin of his neck. He looked and my chest, not meeting my gaze.
"First of all your beautiful." He shook his head as if to disagree. "It's true, you're the most beautiful person I've ever seen. You're also funny, a blast to hang out with, you're the best friend I've ever had, you know me better then I know myself. Just seeing you makes my day brighter. You're the first thing I think of in the morning, and the last thing I think of at night."
The tears were falling freely down his cheeks now. I waited for him to speak.
"When did you know?"
I smiled, that was an easy one.
"That morning in the hospital, when I was holding you..." he nodded telling me that he was still with me. "I knew then, I would have taken the rape for you if I could have, that I would have done anything to make it better for you, that's when I realized that I love you."
Cody's body shuddered as the tears came faster. He leaned his head down and let the top of his forehead rest against my chest. I held onto him with my hand still on his neck and my other arm gently rubbing his arm and shoulder. Slowly he raised his head and looked me in the eye. When he spoke it was barely a whisper.
"Show me."
"What?"
"You love me?"
"Yes."
"Then show me."
Shit.
Be careful what you wish for. I've never been more scared in my entire life.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Cody had been slowly leaning closer and closer and as he spoke the last words his lips met mine. I thought for a moment that I must have died, no earthly kiss could ever be this good. I had never believed in all that fireworks and magic in your head during your first kiss stuff. But it was all there. The world began to spin. I felt like I was about to fall over. Cody must have felt it too because suddenly he was clinging to me as if I were a life preserver and he was caught in an undertow. I was lost in his perfect warm lips. His tongue timidly sought entrance and began to slide along mine. He sucked my tongue into his mouth. I suddenly pulled myself together and began to kiss him like it would save my life. My hands found his firm muscled ass cheeks and I pulled him to me. I felt his hardness through his pants and I knew he felt mine as they pressed together. A muffled moan escaped him and he melted into me. He began grinding himself against me and I thought I was going to shoot in my pants. I felt like electricity was running through me. I didn't know it was possible to be this hard.
Suddenly Cody lowered his chin, breaking the kiss. We stood there, our foreheads resting on each other, panting.
"Stay with me tonight?" His voice was breathless and seductive. Suddenly my mind was working again and a thousand questions were in my head. Why were we doing this? What was he feeling? If I stayed would this ruin our friendship? Was I willing to do that? As if hearing inside my head Cody spoke again. "Please. No questions please. I need you tonight. I need you to make love to me."
That brought on a whole new set of questions, and he heard those to and answered them too.
"I need to feel you inside me. I need to know that it's you. That it's someone who loves me. Before I can move on. Please?" I nodded, tears in my eyes. I knew then that I was therapy. But I was hopelessly in love, whatever he needed me for I would do. Tomorrow would be the end of it. Maybe even the end of our friendship. But I knew I would do whatever he asked. I was a slave to his wishes. Which meant that it was probably time to go back into therapy, I thought this remotely as he unlocked the door and I followed him in. Without turning the light on he locked the door and led me to his bedroom. He closed the bedroom door and turned to me. Seeing him in the shadows of the streetlight, the sparkle in his eyes was still evident, and something clicked in me. Any trepidation I had vanished. If I couldn't have Cody for the rest of my life, I would enjoy tonight. And I was determined to make it a night he would never forget.
Without taking my eyes off of his I reached for Cody's waist. I slowly pulled his shirt out of his pants and pulled it up and over his head, never looking anywhere but his eyes until they were blocked by his shirt. His chest was smooth and brown. His dark nipples were already erect. He had a weight lifters chest complete with a six-pack. Once his face was free from his shirt my lips found his again. And again I was lost in the sensations. The electricity I felt made me weak and I leaned against him, pinning him to the wall. He moaned into my mouth. His hands undid the buttons of my shirt and pulled it out of my pants exposing my chest to his. The feeling of my skin against his was incredible. We were both fairly hairless; I love smooth hard chests. I ran my hands up and down his chest as we kissed. His hands were inside my shirt rubbing the muscles of my back.
Never breaking our lips he backed me across the room. As we moved towards his bed I felt his hands undoing my pants and I reached to do the same. We both fumbled a little as we stepped out of our pants and shoes. Leaving them side-by-side in matching piles on the floor. Cody pulled away from me and led me by the hand the rest of the way across the room.
He stopped next to the bed and reached into his bedside stand. I took the opportunity to grind my hard cock into his ass. I heard him moan as he straightened back up and he pressed himself against me. I wrapped my arm around him and ran my hands up and down his chest. He continued to moan as he ground his ass back into me. I nibbled on his neck and ear biting gently and sucking here and there. I had never realized that someone could taste that good.
"I love you." I whispered in his ear.
He moaned.
"God I love you." My hand wandered down to his cloth covered cock and began rubbing it.
"Jimmy, I ..." He said breathlessly.
"Shhhh." I gently covered his mouth with my other hand. "You don't have to say anything."
"But I..."
I shushed him again and gently turned him around.
"You don't have to say anything, I know how you feel." I gently caressed his cheek, and he tilted his face into the touch. "It's ok, let me love you, I don't care if it's just for one night, let me love you."
He nodded and held up a tube of lube, which I assumed is what he got out of the bedside stand.
"Do you have condoms?"
He shook his head; I gave him a questioning look.
"I haven't needed them."
I gave him another questioning look. He looked at my chest instead of meeting my eyes as he spoke again.
"I haven't been with anyone since the rape, and I tested clean 6 months ago, so...."
I don't know why I was shocked, but I was. He looked up and saw the hesitation in my eyes.
"Please, I need you." He stepped closer and wrapped his arms around me. "Please." He lowered his head to my nipple and began to lick and suck. My hesitation faded and my erection grew again.
"I trust you." He breathed as he moved over to my other nipple. "I know how safe you always are, and you tested clean a month ago, you told me. I want to feel you." He was right, as usual. I had stopped having unsafe sex after high school, and had tested clean every year since then.
I lifted his chin and our lips met again. And again I was lost in the fireworks. Our tongues slid along each other, and my knees went weak for the second time. I took the opportunity to sit on the edge of the bed, Cody climbed onto my lap, straddling me, never breaking to kiss he wrapped his arms around my head and pulled my face even closer to his. He pushed his cock against my stomach and ground his ass into my cock. It was my turn to moan. I ran my hands up and down his back, feeling his soft smooth skin.
I swept one hand up to grip his strong shoulder, pulling his whole body down more firmly against my cock. Breaking the kiss Cody threw his head back and let out a moan that the neighbors probably heard. I leaned my head down and started working his nipples and then worked my way back up to his neck. In the back of my mind I knew it might be dangerous to let my dominant side show. We had never talked about our preferences when it came to sex. I was definitely a top, a very dominate top. Not that I was into pain or punishment or anything, although I've done it for a couple of guys who really got off on it. But I like to be in control, and from Cody's moaning and panting as I moved him against me, I could tell he liked it to. I slipped my free hand into the waistband of his boxers to grasp and kneed his ass check. My fingers moved toward his hole and brushed lightly over his rosebud. I felt a shiver go through Cody and he buried his face in my neck, his breathing was ragged and he was whimpering. I ran my fingers lightly over his rosebud again. This time the shiver was more intense and he pushed his ass back into my fingers.
"You like that?" I whispered and took his earlobe into my mouth.
"Yes." He breathed in little more then a whisper. "God yes."
I lowered my mouth to Cody's neck and began to suck, circling my tongue over his skin, savoring the taste of his sweat. I love giving a guy a hickey, part of my dominant side I guess. Some guys I'm with don't like this, they don't want hickeys, but Cody just moaned and tightened his grip on the back of my head as if begging me to go on. As I sucked I increased the pressure of my fingers over his pucker, not really seeking entry, just enjoying the way it made him shiver.
When I thought enough time had passed I pulled back and smiled at the purple spot that had formed there. I looked up into Cody's eye to find him looking at me in wonder. I pulled his mouth back down to mine and pushed my tongue into it, dominating the kiss, exploring his mouth. As we kissed I moved both of my hands to the side of his waist and slowly began pushing his boxers down the sides of his hips. I broke the kiss and gently pushed Cody back and he stood up next to the bed, I continued pushing his boxers down over his hard cock, letting them fall on their own as they passed his well muscled thighs. I was face to face with his cock, it was somewhere between 5 and 6 inches, and very thick. I couldn't resist taking the head in my mouth, swirling my tongue around it, causing Cody to moan loudly and clutch my shoulders as if he was about to fall down. I sucked just the head for less then a minute, and stopped before he got too into it, another trick I like to pull to assert that I'm in charge. As I pulled off a frustrated groan came out of his throat.
Swiftly I stood and turned Cody around, pushing him gently down on the bed.
"Lie down."
Cody lay down and scooted back on the bed, his cock hard and dark pointed toward the ceiling. He looked through the darkness at me. I pushed my jockeys down and let them drop. I crawled over to Cody, spreading his legs as I went; I stretched my weight out on top of him. He bent his knees and my cock nestled itself between his ass cheeks. I pressed my lips to his and opened his mouth with my tongue, kissing him even more aggressively, swirling my tongue around feeling as much of his mouth as I could. I swallowed his moans as he humped my stomach, his cock slick with pre-cum. Feeling him against me, his ass rubbing against my cock like that, savoring his soft lips, I don't think I have ever been more turned on.
Just making out got me dangerously close to cumming, so I finally pulled back and rolled off to his side. I found the lube at the edge of the bed and squirted some on the tip of my finger.
Cody was watching me closely as I reached between his splayed legs. "Okay?" I asked in a whisper.
He nodded and gave me a small smile.
"Just relax," I soothed. "Tell me if you want me to stop."
"Okay." He whispered.
"Promise me, if it's too much, you'll say so."
He nodded again. "I will."
It was only then that I proceeded, watching his face the whole time, he was tense but as I rubbed the lube around his pucker he relaxed and watched my face. I put more lube on my finger. I put my finger back at his center and pushed gently, he was tense. I kissed him and tried again, this time my finger slipped in. He moaned into my mouth but didn't tense or pull away, I pushed further, spreading the lube around until I found his prostate. That caused him to relax even more and I wiggled my finger around a bit stretching him even more. Soon I reluctantly pulled back from Cody's lips.
"Still okay?" I smiled and rubbed his prostate again.
"Oh yeah." He groaned.
I pulled out slowly and added a second finger and more lube. It was tight but he showed only a little discomfort. I took it very slowly, wanting to hurt him as little a possible. Finally I pushed in a third finger. Again discomfort showed on his face. But I soon had him stretched and was finger fucking him gently, he started moaning and writhing. He was ready.
I pulled my fingers out and wiped the excess lube over my cock, which had stayed hard the entire time, thanks to Cody's thigh rubbing up and down over it as he moved against my hand.
"You ready?" I asked as I turned back to him.
"Oh yeah." He gave me a grin that melted my heart. I moved to kneel between his bent knees. I pushed a pillow under his hip and lifted his legs over my shoulders. I positioned myself and leaned over him. I pressed forward gently and felt the head of my cock ease into him. I stopped there and waited, he nodded so I pushed a little more. It was a painfully slow entry. He was so hot and tight I had to steady myself to keep from cumming. Finally, after an eternity I was completely inside him.
"You okay?" I asked for the second time.
He nodded, his eyes wide with wonder. "It feels so good, so full."
"You ready?"
He nodded. I moved his legs off my shoulders and he wrapped them around my waist. I pulled out a bit and began a slow steady thrust back in. Bit by bit I thrust longer and longer, keeping my rhythm slow and steady. He grew more and more intense, starting to moan first and then to move his hips to meet my thrusts. I hovered over him, his hands moved over my neck and shoulders and face. I sucked one of his fingers into my mouth as I rode his tight ass.
Finally I reached up and grabbed his hands and pinned them to the bed on either side of his head. He moaned even more. His face was flushed, I was getting steadily faster now, his insides seemed to suck me back into him faster and faster. I could feel us both getting close, I increased my pace, I was lost in my impending orgasm, I felt Cody shudder and stiffen beneath me and he let out the cutest whimper as he came all over the two of us, that was all I needed, with one last thrust I buried myself and planted my seed deep inside him.
It was the hardest I have ever cum. The world seemed to tilt and I got light headed. Our bodies seemed to fuse together; it was like nothing I have even felt before. A connection I've never achieved. Weakened, I collapsed on top of him; he pulled his hands out from under mine and wrapped them around my shoulder as we both gasped for breath. I rolled over on my side and he moved with me, still clinging to me.
"Thank you." He whispered in the dark. I just tightened my arms around him. We must have fallen asleep that way because the next thing I knew I was waking up to the dim morning with Cody's dark blond head resting peacefully on my chest, his arm and leg thrown over me. It was an amazing and terrible feeling at the same time. I knew that this would be the only time I would ever wake up like this, I was sure of that one fact in my heart. I felt my heart breaking within me and I knew nothing would ever be the same again.
As gently as possible I moved out from underneath Cody's sleeping form. He didn't stir, just wrapped himself around my abandoned pillow. I quickly found my clothes and dressed in the living room. I walked back to my dorm room in the early dawn. When I got back I went to take a shower. I must have spent at least an hour under the water, trying to cleanse myself of the heartache. Trying to wash away the love I felt even more strongly.
I spent my day in my room, ignoring anyone that knocked. I buried myself in homework and by the mid afternoon I had the whole weeks worth of assignments done. That's when the knock came. I ignored it, but whoever it was wouldn't go away. Finally I relented and swung the door open angrily.
Cody was standing there, looking just as angry. He pushed past me into the room without a word. I closed the door and turned to him.
"What are you doing here?" I asked.
"Why did you leave?"
I sighed. "I asked you first."
"I wanted to talk to you, that's why I'm here. Now why did you leave?"
I shook my head. "I figured I'd save you the trouble of an awkward morning after."
"Why would it be awkward?" He asked angrily.
"Look, I just didn't want to see 'the look', alright?" I replied just as angrily.
"What look?"
"Well, it'd be either the 'thanks for the therapy fuck, see you around' look, or the 'oh my god what did we do' look, and I wasn't in the mood to see either." I spouted angrily.
Cody approached me with fire in his eyes. "What if it wasn't either of those looks?"
I pushed past him and moved across the room, leaning heavily on my dresser. "Look Cody, you made it very clear what you needed from me last night, and I was happy to do whatever you wanted, whatever would help you. But you can't expect me to be just hunky-dory in the morning, I'm going to need some time if you want us to be back to normal again."
"I don't want us to go back to normal." He said it quietly, all anger gone from his voice. I turned to face him and leaned heavily against the dresser, dreading what was coming next.
"Tell me what you do want then." I implored.
He looked hesitant, unsure of what to say.
"Please, Cody, I need to know where we go from here."
He started pacing. Then he started talking rapidly; "I was never as comfortable being gay as you are Jimmy. I knew that you and my family would all accept me, but I was still unsure of myself. When you came out to me I was so happy, but I was still so scared. I tried to make a pass at you, lots of times. But you never caught on. I was never overt enough." He glanced at me before he went on. "And then came that night, and it just made everything worse. I felt so dirty," He shivered. "And even more unsure of myself, I just didn't think I was good enough for you, I was never strong like you, but I tried, I tried to get better so I would have the courage to make a move, and then I found out that you wanted me, that you cared about me and I..." He stopped pacing then and sank into a chair and dropped his head into his hands. "I was so happy and terrified. And my therapist kept telling me to make my move, to go for it. I deserve to be happy." He was crying.
I moved to the chair and kneeled in front of him, I rested my hands on his legs. "You deserve to be happy." I said to him gently.
He let out a soft sob. "I love you Jimmy. I...I've been in love with you forever I think, I don't know...I just never knew how to tell you...I just..." He trailed off, sniffling.
When he said the words I felt a cold shiver run though me, my heart felt like it was swelling and tears sprang to my eyes. He finally raised his eyes to meet mine. I took his chin in my hand and kissed him gently on the lips, a simple kiss. "I love you too."
He studied me through his tears. "Please... don't leave like that any more."
"Never again, I promise, never."
He sniffled and smiled; he slid off the chair and into my arms.
Fin.