This is the continuing story of Jimbo and Mason. They are preparing for their trip to Paris. Please be generous in your support of Nifty.org.
Rabbi Schulman prepared me for the High Holy Days. I had Mason on one side and Black on the other as we sat in the synagogue. I found the experience fascinating and exhilarating. Black turned out to be a very good teacher. Mason participated but I could tell it was all from rote and that he wasn't emotionally or spiritually moved. I finished the week exhausted and humbled. The time was drawing nigh before we flew to Paris. I was looking forward to a break from school. The professors were already aware of the ticking clock and were stacking work on us before mid-terms. It would be a race as we prepared ourselves for the trip.
I had one more session with Rabbi Schulman before we left for Paris. I was rarely in a good mood at dinner on Thursday nights. The Rabbi knew where every one of my emotional buttons was located and managed to push the majority of them each week. I would leave feeling naked and exposed, defensive and beaten, stupid and unworthy. He suggested that I wasn't going to be a language scholar and perhaps I should try another language. Something easier....like French.
"You can barely speak the Queen's English and Mr. Cohen has you studying Hebrew! Why, I ask, why? And next year you are supposed to start Russian? The man is a fool, I swear he is a fool. I am sorry Yonatan but you do not have the gift or intelligence to be taking Hebrew. You should start Hebrew at birth when you are born into a Jewish home because you are Jewish. Not some Southern Baptist who is in love with a Jewish boy and thinks this is easy. It is not. Even the smartest people have trouble. But you? You are not even the smartest. Why did I agree to this?"
I was livid. It was a different kind of abuse than what my father had doled out but it was still abuse.
"You are teaching me because it is destined that I become a Jew. If I am denied I will continue to work for the Jewish people. This path has been chosen for me. I do not come willingly but I am here because the Creator of the Universe has decided. I will give it my all to praise and honor to him. Who are you to say that I am not worthy? This has been decided and we are both on pathways that have been preordained so we both have to give it our best. Both of us. This is not just on my shoulders. You are supposed to be a great teacher. I wish to be recognized a student of a great teacher so that I can praise you to others. I am not giving up and I desire that you not give up on me."
Rabbi Schulman smiled and nodded.
"Very good, you are starting to think like a Jew. Talk like a Jew. Now let's practice in Hebrew. We are both challenged by each other and that will make us each more fulfilled when you go before the Beis Din and you become a Jew."
I practiced my Hebrew again and I did better. I don't know if it was because of my anger which provided a high level of energy or the fact that the Creator of the Universe was directing my language. At the end of our session, he shook my hand and wished me well. I talked with Matan and Black at dinner about the encounter. Black said we should start speaking Hebrew at home. I reluctantly agreed.
From that point forward at home I was never Jimbo, I was Yonatan. Mason was now Matan yet Black remained Black. We, or more accurately they, only spoke Hebrew at the house. I always said the blessing in Hebrew and was slowly grasping what they were saying. I was much less adept however at reading Hebrew. Meal times seemed like hours long to me as Matan and Black chatted away.
As promised, my passports had arrived. I couldn't figure out how Mr. Cohen had taken my photograph, acquired my birth certificate and processed the paperwork without my knowledge. I decided there were some things not to ask. The fact that I had both United States and Israeli passports was a puzzle to me. Mason told me he had the same. We were finishing dinner one night when Matan said that he would like to invite Tim, the owner of the bookstore, over for dinner. "He is storing all of my books and I would like them here in the house. Dinner would be a way to thank him."
"And who will be cooking for this Tim?" Black had a twinkle in his eye when he looked at Matan.
"I was going to ask Yonatan to cook." Matan answered with a twinkle in his eye.
"I propose Black." I raised my hand as did Matan. I was proud of the fact that I had spoken that sentence in Hebrew and they understood.
"Okay, I will do this." Matan said that he would call Tim to ask if he would come and to find out what he liked to eat. I was stumbling as I told Matan we didn't have much time as we were to leave for Paris in a week. Somehow, he understood and went to call Tim. Luckily, he was still at the bookstore and was delighted at our offer. Matan also called Zeke and Ayal and invited them to join us. That would make it six people for dinner.
The sun was setting as I pulled into our driveway the night of the dinner party. I sat in the car for a few minutes to center my thoughts. Rabbi Schulman seemed a different man when I met with him that afternoon. He was less angry. When I was leaving, he said a blessing for Matan and me to have safe travels and he had a letter for me to deliver to Matan's parents. He pulled out a large envelope and said there were actually several letters to different people and Mr. Jenner would know what to do with them. He handed me a separate envelope and said that I was to hand deliver that to the Chief Rabbi of Paris. I told him we weren't meeting with the Rabbi but I would deliver it to his office. He gave me a smile and said that I was to hand deliver it to the Rabbi. "You will find a way to make it happen. Remember, you hand it directly to him."
Another car pulled into the drive. It must be Tim. I introduced myself and helped him grab cartons of books from the trunk. Matan had purchased many books. We placed them in the foyer and went looking for Matan and Black. I could hear them speaking in Hebrew. I had a thought that tonight, with Tim joining us, we would actually speak in English. Matan came out and greeted Tim.
Tim grabbed Matan's hand as he said, "Hello to you, my friend. Mah Shlomcha?" Matan burst out laughing followed by Black. I stood dumbfounded. The three of them continued speaking in Hebrew. Just at that moment the doorbell rang. Zeke and Ayal walked into the house. Dinner was a disaster for me. They all tried to include me in the conversation. I lost interest as they were talking fast and furious, talking over each other, and were making signs and gestures as well as speaking in Hebrew. I could not keep up.
Matan sat at one end of the table and I sat at the other. After a quite filling meal, Matan noticed that I was mute. He picked up his chair and moved it around the table until he was sitting next to me. Everything stopped and all of our guests looked at us.
"I used to sit in Yonatan's lap but I have grown so much I cannot do it anymore. His boy has grown into a man."
He took my hand and kissed it. He had switched to English and the others easily switched languages and followed his lead.
Ayal stood and picked up a glass. "I propose a toast to Jimbo and Mason or rather I propose a toast to Matan and Yonatan. May your journey be filled with adventure. May your journey be filled with joy at seeing Matan's parents. May your journey to filled with reverence and honor as you meet with the Chief Rabbi of Paris. May your journey be filled with love for each other." The others stood and offered cheers. Matan grabbed me and kissed me. He then grabbed a glass of water and raised it.
"I propose a toast to my Yonatan who is giving his life for me. His journey is not easy. I love that he is willing to stick to me and is enduring this trial by fire. We are new on our journey and as Cavafy wrote, 'I pray the road is long, full of adventure and full of knowledge'. Yonatan you are my world. May we have a long road together." Matan kissed me again.
Everyone had a Paris story to tell. They were giving us guidance on what to see and do. Tim said he would bring a Paris guidebook to the house the next day. Ayal said we had to keep a travelogue. Matan said he had travelogues starting from when he was a child. Tim told me that he would also bring a journal so that I could record our journey. I nodded my head and muttered a thank you.
They made me feel like a hick. They didn't mean to: they were my feelings to own. I was a hick. I was out of my element. Matan went to the bedroom and returned with our travel documents. They all thought it was important for them to be at Norfolk Airport to wish us bon voyage on Sunday. We would fly from Norfolk to JFK to Paris arriving on Monday morning. We heartily agreed that brunch on Colley Avenue would be good before we drove to the airport. Zeke, Ayal and Tim all said that they would pick us up and then drive us so that we could leave the car at home.
I looked down the table and noticed that Tim had taken Black's hand in his own. Black was flushed. In a good way. Matan mentioned that Black would be accompanying us and he would bring back stories also. Tim gave Black a curious look. Black gave a nod and said it would be good to be back in Paris but it was a short trip. We would leave on Sunday and return on Sunday. Matan would be back at work and I would be back in class that following Monday.
Everyone pitched in and helped to clean the table and wash the dishes. Matan and I had classes the next day. Tim said that he and Black would dry everything and put them away and for Matan and I to go to bed. We bid them kol tuv and said we would see them on Sunday morning.
I stripped off my clothes, cleaned my teeth and crawled into bed. Matan lay there waiting for a good night kiss.
"You are my life, Yonatan. When I am with you, I feel like a man. With you, I am no longer a boy. You complete me. I hope that I complete you. You were alone at the table tonight while we all were having a good time talking. I apologize for that. It will not happen again. We are on this journey together. Together Yonatan. I will be more attentive to your needs. It was the first time that we entertained as a couple. It feels like we are continuing to build a community of friends. I felt whole and welcomed and valued."
We made love. Sweet gentle love. I felt whole and welcomed and valued.
The session with Dr. Yael was short that Friday afternoon. She commended me on my willingness to explore my spiritual life and the life I was to live. After the first meeting, she pried open the nut of my father's abuse to me and how that had resulted in my current problems. It was often very uncomfortable for me. I would leave the sessions feeling dead inside. How had I endured such abuse and suppressed it? I knew it was a coping mechanism but still couldn't make sense of it. She also continued to talk about the symbology in my life. She said it was so unusual that she felt compelled to process it with me and Matan.
Dr. Yael was excited about the trip that Matan and I were to take. "I can't tell you the meaning of what hasn't happened yet. Only the Master of the Universe knows what has been, what is and what is to be. You have the gift of premonition but that does not make you as great as the Master of the Universe. We are mere mortals who are here to live this life and to be everything we are meant to be." She had become affectionate and held my hands in hers as she offered a blessing to Matan and me for a safe journey.
As we were preparing to leave, she handed me an envelope. "Would you please give this to the Chief Rabbi?"
"I don't think we are meeting with the Chief Rabbi but I will deliver it to his office." "Ahhh, when you meet with him, you are to hand this directly to him."
I could only nod and as I took the envelope. Why was everyone assuming we would be meeting with the Chief Rabbi?
"When you return, I want to know what you learned about yourself on this trip. You will tell me all. I should schedule you for a double session. There will be much for you to process."
Imagine my surprise when Tim, Zeke and Ayal arrived at the house on Friday afternoon for our Shabbat meal. Black apologized for not telling us but said that he wanted to continue the feeling of family that we had established the night before. Zeke lit the candles and offered the blessing for Shabbat. Black started singing the Shalom Aleichem. He had a beautiful voice. We all joined him in singing. I stumbled over the words but continued to sing in my quivery baritone. Tim led the blessing of the wine. We then sat and ate the beautifully prepared meal. Matan sat beside me at the table. We all spoke in English and had a rowdy good time. Everyone was staying over. Zeke and Ayal went to the bedroom they had stayed in while I was sick. I could guess where Tim would sleep. He and Black could not stop looking at each other.
Neither Matan nor I were used to wine and were somewhat giddy when we retired for the evening. We had more of a romp in bed that night. We were properly fucked out on Saturday morning when we walked into the kitchen and sat at the table. Zeke had laid out food for us to eat. Tim said he had someone covering the bookstore for him that day. He handed us a travel guide and gave me a beautiful leather-bound journal. He hugged me and said he wished me well on my first journey to Europe. It started as a quiet day of reflection. Ayal led us in a time of scripture and prayer. He decided to focus on the Song of Solomon. The scripture was rapturous and took on an entirely new meaning when being discussed among six gay men. We had a lively, enlightening discussion. Ayal then looked at us in a serious way.
"You need to prepare yourself for your meeting with the Chief Rabbi. He is very smart and may want to know more about the two of you than you do about him. Be honest but never confrontive. Yonatan, think like a diplomat. You are an emissary from us to him. He will direct more questions to you because you are older. But I must say, Matan has grown so much and is so handsome with his red hair and pellucid skin that the Rabbi might be taken with his looks."
He grinned and everyone agreed that Matan had grown into a beautiful man. It was true. Matan blushed and leaned into me for a long kiss. We only stopped when the guys started stomping the floor and telling us to take it to the bedroom.
He had grown from boy to man in a few short weeks. It was both his sudden surge in height and also his demeanor. He had a presence that invited stares. His shock of red hair remained uncombed yet looked like a stylist had spent hours getting every curl into just the right place. His ramrod straight stance made him tower over people. I thought he stood like a danseur. He had a calm mien in the midst of a chaotic world. This calmness invited people to approach him to talk. He was always gentle and very tactile. He would hold their hands while talking. He always looked them in the eyes. They could sense they were in the presence of someone important. It had started the night he was inducted into the Order of the Arrow and had in less than two months reached a level of fulfillment.
Ayal continued, "Matan your skin has a luster it is so clear. It is as if someone polished your skin and put a light in you so that you glow from within. You have the presence of a Rebbe. Yes, you have the makings of a great Rebbe. Do not be surprised if the Rabbi asks the two of you to stay in Paris to help him. Again, be the diplomat and suggest that your studies do not permit it at this time. Leave the door open. An outright 'no' is unwise, but think through how to tell him 'no' without using that word. He will admire you even more when you do that."
We nodded without knowing how prophetic that advice was.
The afternoon ended with a Shabbat meal and we then cleaned the kitchen and disposed of things that would spoil while we were gone. Our bags were packed. We were ready to travel. The guys suggested a movie in Norfolk and then a late night repast. The Naro Theater was showing Casablanca as part of a classic movie festival. While standing in line for tickets I noticed that many people were admiring Mason's appearance. His hair was curled out and a lock was falling across his forehead. He wore khaki pants and a white shirt. He had a sweater thrown across his shoulders. A simple look that was distinctive on him. On his wrist was a mala bracelet of red, green, gold and white sandalwood beads. He was very beautiful that evening. He was surrounded by friends and that made him glow with happiness. We were holding hands and he was leaning into my shoulder. I was filled with pride at having such a wonderful partner.
I heard someone call Mason's name and turned as a fist flew past my shoulder and hit Mason squarely in the face. I missed seeing Black take Toby down. My focus was only on Mason and his bloody face. The crowd moved back as I lowered Mason to the pavement. I was on my knees trying to hold Mason as Zeke examined him. There was a lot of blood everywhere.
"I need a cold compress." Zeke called out to Black. Someone handed Zeke what he requested. I was stunned holding my lover. He was limp lying in my arms. The only image I could conjure was The Pieta. Zeke was making comforting sounds to Mason while Ayal stood back observing everything. Ayal had a cold calculated look on his face. Tim had moved to the edge of the crowd. A black vehicle pulled onto the sidewalk in front of the theater. "Help me, Jimbo. We need to get Mason into the car." The voice sounded like it was in a fog but it was Zeke giving me instructions. We all piled into the vehicle and pulled into evening traffic.
"Well, I must say that you will no longer be the most beautiful person on the plane tomorrow but you will be able to fly. There is nothing broken but you will be bruised for a few days." Zeke had cleaned up the blood and I could see the beginning of the swelling. I heard, "kiss me," or that is what it sounded like. Mason had a busted lip and his words were not clear. I leaned in and kissed his lips.
"Owww, not so hard."
We were heading into the mid-town tunnel heading to Suffolk. Everyone was in the vehicle except for Black. Tim was deep in thought. Ayal was talking on a remote telephone in the vehicle. I did not recognize the driver. We pulled into the driveway and Mason insisted that he was okay to walk into the house. I took him to the bedroom so we could remove our bloody clothes. After we changed, we walked into the kitchen to find our compatriots sitting at the table. Ayal told me to go to the office because Mr. Cohen would be on the telephone for me. I didn't hear a telephone ringing but as I crossed the threshold into the office the ringing commenced. I picked it up.
"I am an angry man right now so I will be brief. One should never have these conversations when one is angry." I had not heard this tone of voice from Mr. Cohen before. "How serious are Matan's injuries?"
We talked about the incident and what Toby had done.
I assured Mr. Cohen that we were okay and that Mason would be able to fly the next day.
"I may have to pull Black from your detail."
"No, you can't do that. Please don't do that. We depend on him."
"He let you down tonight. He was thinking with his penis and not his brain. We did not hire him to play around with another man. He was hired to ensure that you and Matan were safe. Always. No excuses. Do you understand?"
"Please do not remove Black from us. That is all I can ask of you."
There was a big sigh on the telephone.
"See, this is why I should not have this conversation when I am angry. Everything in me says to fire Black tonight. But if Matan wishes that Black stay with you who am I to disagree. Are you sure that Matan feels this way?"
I thought of diplomacy. I needed to figure out a way to get what we needed without being directive or obstructive. "I speak for Matan when I say that it is important for his mental well-being to have Black with us in Paris. When we return, we can have a discussion about what to do. It is important for Matan's health that we move forward with the plans as they are. I fully understand your feelings and emotions but as you said, 'we should not make rash decisions when we are angry.' Do we have agreement on this?"
When I returned to the kitchen everyone stopped their conversations and looked at me. "Where is Black?"
Matan had tears running down his cheeks and told me that he was in his room packing. I headed to the rooms over the garage. I knocked on the door. There was a rustling sound and then Black opened the door. I asked permission to enter, looked at Tim and asked him to join the others in the kitchen. Tim leaned into Black and kissed his lips. Black stood immobile.
"Thank you for taking care of us tonight. Matan and I have grown to have a great deal of affection for you. Moreover, we depend on you for our safety. I think we learned a lesson tonight that even in those situations that appear social in nature that you are on duty. I do not want you to use this as an excuse to break up with Tim. I am making an assumption that you have quickly become boyfriends."
Black nodded his head.
"That is a fast romance. Overnight you have him in the bedroom kissing. I suppose you schtumped him also. Who falls in love so quickly?"
Black had an angry look on his face as he got right in my face. "Ah, and who are you to talk? You take a young boy whom you are supervising at camp and make him your catamite. In less than a week you have him in your bed. You are now partners, you changed colleges, you have forsaken your parents, you are taking Hebrew lessons, you have decided to become a Jew, you are flying to Paris and will meet with his parents and the Chief Rabbi. All of that because of sleeping one night with a boy. Who are you to question me? You don't see a ring on my hand do you? Sometimes it is just fucking and nothing more. How dare you challenge me in this way."
We were both squared off and stared at each other. My heart was beating fast and furious. What he said was the truth. What he said was the very thing I was struggling with. Why was I angry when someone spoke truth to me? Slowly our breathing slowed, our fists unclenched, and our shoulders relaxed. We backed away from each other. I decided that I would not apologize but needed to finish the conversation I came to have.
"Toby was a boy with a grudge. He was not on our radar. Who knew that he would be at the theater tonight? Matan is ok and we travel tomorrow with you leading our security detail. We will talk about this when we return. Before we leave for the airport tomorrow, you will brief us on what to expect during the trip and who will be on your team. You are still the team leader. It is as I desire."
"But Yonatan......."
"What? Are you as smart as the Creator of the Universe tonight? Surely, none of us knows all things. It is the Creator who knows all. We look to him. So, answer me Black, do you think you are like the Creator of the Universe tonight?" Our emotions were ramping up again. Were we going to end up with blows before we finished? I knew that Black was able to smash me like an unwanted spider. He could easily kill me with a hit. He had trained with special forces, I was a country boy who learned how to fight on the school playground. Black looked at the floor and shook his head. "No sir. I promise there will not be another mistake. Thank you for letting me stay." Black raised his head and gave a faint smile. "When did this goyish man become a Jew? I actually admire your willingness to struggle to become a Jew and will do all within me to help you." We looked each other in the eyes.
"One thing, Black. Mason and I need to see and experience the Black we met when we arrived here. We depend on you and will do as you say regarding our safety. We will have to chart the course of what a friendship may look like in the future. In Paris, you head our safety team and you are our protector. Agreed?"
"Yes, sir."
"Good, we all participate in our safety. Everyone has a role. Come, we need to talk with the others and let them know what has been decided."
We walked into the kitchen and everyone turned our way. I thanked everyone for keeping us safe and that we needed rest before Matan and I flew to Paris in the morrow. Ayal spoke up and said that he had just been notified that he and Zeke were to accompany us on the trip. I turned to Tim and asked if he had someone who could operate his bookstore for the week. He looked at Black and saw a slight smile. He nodded. I was so conflicted by what Black had said but I also understood the inevitability of instantly falling in love when the right person came along.
I turned to Black and said, "Make it happen, please, but Black remember our conversation." Black left to make arrangements. Matan sat at the table smiling. He was the picture of happiness except for the beginning of a black eye, a bloated nose and a torn lip. The others turned to me and asked for guidance on what to do to be prepared for the trip. I suggested they all go home and pack their bags for a week in Paris. I reviewed the itinerary with them and what clothes to bring. Of course, they were not restricted in the same way as Matan and me. I suggested that Ayal bring more suits than casual clothes. I reminded them to bring their passports. The Schengen Agreement meant that we could travel through much of Europe without a visa. I no longer trusted that our time in Europe was restricted to Paris. Something was afoot. It was what Dr. Yael had described as my second sense. The caul had been lifted from my eyes and I was seeing the world in a different way. It did not look safe and inviting.
Matan and I stood by the front door and said, shalom to each as they left. Peace was what we needed in our lives for a few hours of sleep. Matan and I went to our bedroom and undressed. I gently held him through the night. I could not get the thought out of my mind that we were so vulnerable to dangers in the world. It was a fist but could just as easily have been a bullet. I didn't sleep as I held onto the most precious thing in my life.