This story is a work of fiction. I do not claim to know Jesse McCartney (although I wish I did ;-D), nor do I know about his sexual preference (ditto). This story will contain some sexual content, and is about a relationship between two men. If this offends you, then I suggest you use that handy close button on your window. If it's illegal for you to be reading this, well then you shouldn't be here either, but you probably already knew that :- P.
And again, thanks to Kyle, Ty and Wes, for proofreading and critiquing the chapters!
"Nate...Nate, I have cervical cancer," she finished, and started sobbing.
"Oh my God..." Tears beginning to form in my eyes. I felt my knees buckle under me, and fell into a chair that Jesse quickly put behind me. He looked at me with a very concerned face that I barely even registered. "No, no, that's not possible," I said in disbelief. "You're...you're Kirsten. You're just too...too young, and...too healthy, too...too you. No, you...you just can't." I know I wasn't really helping by saying it, but I couldn't believe that something like this could happen. She just sobbed more, and I heard the phone shift.
"Nate, it's Kyle. Kirsten wanted to tell you herself."
"Uh...hey. Um...jeez, I can't even think right now." I ran my hand through my curls, trying to collect my thoughts. "Well, is it...is it advanced? Is there something they can do? God, there has to be something they can do, right? I mean, there has to be. There has to be."
"Well, like, fortunately, it doesn't look like it's far gone. But they have to do some tests, like an MRI, to make sure and to see if it's spread. They're gonna be doing that in about an hour."
"And if it hasn't?"
"Well, um, let's see if I can get this right. Then they would do an in-office procedure the doctor called cone biopsy. That will be what ultimately decides how spread out it is. If it hasn't spread, it'll be followed by chemo, to make sure that they got all of it. If it has spread, well, we'll have to deal with it when it comes. Listen, Nate, she's hopefully gonna be fine, but well, it's a bit of a shock, and it could always come back, but the doctors are optimistic."
I looked up at Jesse to make sure he followed. "Okay, listen. I'm coming back right now. I'm getting on the next flight back, hopefully I'll be there in like five or six hours." Jesse nodded immediately and put his hand on my shoulder, showing that he completely understood. I heard Kyle relay this to Kirsten, and then the phone transferred hands again.
"No! Nate, it's okay, you stay with Jesse. I don't want you cutting your weekend short. You guys have too little time together as it is."
"Kirsten, don't even think it. You're one of my two best friends; you're practically my sister. There's no way I'm staying here knowing that you're going through this."
"Well, Nate..." I heard her choke up a bit. "Thanks."
"Kirsten, of course. I'm gonna go pack my things and get to the airport right now and get on the next available flight to the city."
Kyle took back the phone. "Nate, you're sure? I mean...who knows when's the next time you're gonna be able to get to see Jesse."
"We'll be fine, Ky. Right now, I just gotta think about you guys. Jesse's fine with it." Jesse took the phone from me.
"Yeah, Kyle, it's totally fine. Kirsten is what matters now. We'll be okay, just worry about Kirsten," Jesse said into the phone, waited to hear what Kyle said, and said, "No problem, tell Kirsten I hope she gets totally better very soon." A few more seconds. "Oh, okay, cool. Hey Kirsten. Don't worry about Nate and me, we'll be fine, just concentrate on getting better, okay?...No problem, just get better soon, I can't wait to hear more funny stories about Nate from you, got it?" He chuckled, and said, "Awesome, okay, here's Nate. Bye!"
"Hey. Okay, so you hold in there, I'll be there by late afternoon."
"K, Nate, love you, see you when you get here."
"Awesome, love you too, bye!"
I looked up at Jesse with a sad face, and he immediately came over to me and gave me a hug. That just made me, or rather allowed me to, completely break down, and I started crying into his shoulder. "Nate, it's gonna be okay. You heard what Kyle said, she's gonna be fine."
"But...but what if she isn't? What if it's more serious than they think it is?" I felt like I was going to be sick.
"Well...well we'll just have to deal with it when it comes."
I swallowed hard. "Oh, God, Jess. This is Kirsten we're talking about. I can't believe it. Kirsten! I mean, Kirsten is so full of life, so...Kirsten-y. She can't be d...d..." I couldn't get it out. "Sick," I said finally. "She can't be sick. Not this sick."
"Listen, Nate," Jesse said, stroking my cheek. "I know this is really bad. But just know that I'm here for you when you need me, even just to hear you cry over the phone, I'm here."
I looked at him with watery eyes. "Thanks, Jess, I honestly don't know what I'd do if you weren't here.
"Of course, Pack. I love you, of course I'm here for you.."
"I love you too." I settled into his arms for a little while longer, feeling his comfort settle me down, and just stared blankly into space, letting my thoughts pour over me. What if she wasn't going to be okay? What if something happens before I get back and I can't even say goodbye? I shook that thought from my head as soon as it entered. I couldn't think like that, it wasn't going to help anything and it'd just make me freak out, so we went to pack up my stuff. I pressed the button for the elevator, and Jesse and I gently kissed one last time before it opened, letting our hands roam each others' bodies, trying to remember the touch of the others' firm bodies, the feeling of the other's hands rubbing our backs. Then the elevator dinged, and we let go and got in.
When we got to the airport and were done getting my tickets for the next available flight to New York (about a half-hour from then), we sat down at a coffee shop to enjoy our last moments together. "I'm really sorry that I have to leave so early. I know that you probably had a whole big weekend planned, and especially after last night...I'm just really sorry."
"Nate, it's totally fine. You always say that I gotta do what I gotta do and you'll take care of the rest. Well now it's my time to take care of the rest while you go and do what you gotta do."
I sniffed a little, but held my tears back. "Thanks, Jess."
"You're welcome. And besides," he said in a low voice, "I do have this sore ass to remember you by," he replied with a wink.
"Jess!" I replied, punching his arm. "Isn't it my job to make jokes out of romantic moments?"
"Yeah," he replied, joining in my chuckling, "but it's fun to mix things up every now and then, eh?" I agreed, and we chatted a little longer until we heard the final boarding call from my flight, so he walked me over to the gate. We gave each other hugs, whispered our `I love you's and then, with one last wave and forced grin, I walked into the gate.
This flight was nothing like the one coming to LA. Although I was nervous for that one, it was an excited nervous. This flight...this flight I was just scared out of my mind. I kept on imagining scenarios in my head, each one more crazy and terrifying than the last. I didn't even try to fall asleep, and I didn't feel right watching a movie. Even being in this comfortable business-class seat didn't feel fair, when Kirsten was back home getting tested in who knew how many ways. I ended up just staring out the window the entire time, praying that she'd be all right.
When I got back at around 3:00, I got a taxi straight to NYU Hospital and headed for their oncology center. Not seeing Kirsten or Kyle anywhere in the drab gray colored waiting room, I asked the receptionist desperately where they were.
"They're with the doctor. They told me that someone would be coming, are you Nathan?"
"Yeah, I'm Nate," I replied in a slightly distracted tone, still looking around the room, seeing no familiar faces among the anxious people sitting there.
"Okay, well I'm sorry, but only one person is allowed inside with the patient, so you can have a seat here and wait for them. They shouldn't be too long." I wanted to yell at her, demanding that I be let in, but I knew she was just doing her job. After all, where I volunteer I have to do the same thing, and I've had my fair share of yells and name- calling and such, so I know what it's like to be on that side. I guess I just never really knew what it's like to be on the visitor's side, how much stress it can cause. I practically had to literally bite my tongue to keep the words from flying out. Instead, I went and got a three month old magazine and sat down.
Everyone in the room looked like they were just short of a nervous breakdown. They were either fiddling their hands, tapping their feet non-stop while glancing around, or pretending to read a magazine, but just staring off into space with distraught looks on their faces. The atmosphere definitely wasn't helping my nerves.
Finally, after about twenty minutes, the two of them came out of a door leading into the waiting room. I immediately got up and gave Kirsten a huge hug, and then Kyle a short squeeze. "So...what'd they say?" I asked.
"They're still checking over the biopsy," Kirsten said. "They put a rush order on it so that we don't have to wait until Monday to find out, which was cool of them." She definitely seemed to be more collected and calmer than she was on the phone, which I told her.
"Yeah, well, after it all sunk in, I figured that there's no use in crying about it. It is what it is, and we just gotta deal with it, right?"
"Wow, Kirst, I'm always amazed by your attitude. You're awesome."
"Keep telling me stuff like that and I might let you stay," she replied with a smirk.
"Whew, I was worried there for a second."
"And you should be. Coming over here and missing out on the rest of your weekend with Jesse for me. If I wasn't so grateful I'd be angry."
"Okay," I chuckled, "fair enough. But you know that I'm gonna be here for you no matter what, I don't care what I'm doing."
"Yeah," Kyle said, "both of us are. You're no getting rid of us."
"Awww, guyyyys!" she said, tears coming to her eyes.
"Whoa, Kirst, are you actually getting touched by us?" I asked in mock disbelief.
"Oh shut up and give me a hug, both of yous," she replied and grabbed each of us into a three person hug. We sat down and chatted about my two days with Jesse, and of course got a big reaction when I told them what Jesse did.
"Nate, dude! That's awesome! And it sounds soo romantic!" Kyle exclaimed.
"Yeah," I said with a grin.
"Aww, now I feel bad stealing you away the day after your first time!" Kirsten said.
"Well first of all, no you don't so don't even pretend," I replied with a grin. "But yeah, c'mon, I'm your friend and ain't nothin gonna keep me from being here when you need it." She just looked down at her hands and grinned. The nurse called Kirsten a few minutes later, and since Kyle went in the first time, I went in with her. And of course, we had to wait about ten minutes in the office before the doctor to come in. It looked like a normal exam room; sterile white walls, various instruments around, including a huge canister of tongue depressors. There's no way doctors need that much, I mean, they must know that people are gonna play with them. So I of course immediately took one out, trying to cheer Kirsten a bit.
I stuck it in my mouth and said "Lhey Kwiwin, can yhou shee my tonshilsh?"
"Ewww, Nate, that's gross!" she yelled, cracking up and waving her hands in front of her face, "get that away from me!!"
"Why, whatsh zha mahtah?" I replied, putting my mouth even closer to her face.
"And you're telling me Jesse likes that mouth of yours?"
"Ohv cawshe," I said, the tongue depressor still on my tongue, wagging it slightly at her.
"Ehem," I heard behind me. I immediately let the tongue depressor slide out of my mouth, went beet red, and sat down.
"Sorry," I mumbled.
"That's alright," the doctor said with a grin. "Hi Kirsten" she said to her, "and you aren't Kyle," she said to me, looking at me with a smile. "My word, Kirsten, you have more men than I thought!"
"I'm Nate, and don't worry, we're just friends, I already gotta boyfriend," I replied with a grin.
She took it totally in stride and said, "Ah, okay then. I'm Dr. Mason, Kirsten's oncologist."
"Nice to meet you," I said, shaking hands. I liked her, she seemed to have a good and upbeat personality, which you kinda need to have in a profession like that.
"Okay, now we need to get on to some a more serious subject matter, Kirsten. You told be to be blunt, so I'm just going to tell you. The cancer has seemed to spread more than we previously thought. It appears to be at Stage IIA. That means that the cancer has spread beyond the cervix to the upper part of the vagina."
Kirsten gasped, looking at Dr. Mason with a shock on her face. I put my arm around her and whispered, "Are you okay?"
She took a deep breath, and put that determined look of hers on. "Yeah, yeah, I'll be fine. So what are doing to treat this?"
Dr. Mason smiled slightly at her proactive attitude. "Well what we're going to have to do is perform what's called a `simple hysterectomy', and I recommend follow up treatment of chemotherapy to ensure that all the cancer has been destroyed."
"Hys...Hysterectomy?" Kirsten gasped. "That, that means I won't be able to get pregnant, right?" Doesn't sound so simple to me, I thought.
"Yes, Kirsten, I'm afraid so."
"And," she croaked, "and I'll go through menopause right away?"
"No, that's not true. The cancer has not spread to the ovaries, so we won't have to remove them. You won't have periods anymore, although you will still have monthly hormonal changes."
I took her into a quick hug. "Are you okay? Do you want to take a few minutes?" I whispered to her.
She took a deep breath. "No, no, I'll be fine," she said so that Dr. Mason could hear her. "We gotta do what we gotta do to get rid of this thing, right?"
"Exactly the attitude to have. Of course, you can, and should, get a second opinion, even if only just to put your mind at ease that this is the correct course of action. I can recommend several physicians that are experts in this field. Additionally, we can freeze your eggs, so that way they'll be available for you to consider having a surrogate carry a child for you."
"Um, okay, thanks. And, uh, if you don't mind, then I think I'll have that second opinion. Thanks."
"Your welcome, and of course I don't mind. Remember, you're the patient here, this is about you, not me."
"Thanks, Dr. Mason."
"Okay, so my secretary will give you the names of several physicians. She'll make the appointment for this afternoon and send over the results of all our test, and if the results come back positive, then I'd like to schedule the surgery for Monday."
"Monday?" I asked. "Does it have to be so soon?" This was all happening too quickly for me. I was barely able to process it all, I could only imagine how Kirsten was feeling.
"Yes, the sooner we remove the tumor, the better your chances will be, and the faster your recovery."
"Okay," Kirsten said, taking a deep breath. "We'll go get that appointment."
"Great. Also, would you like some help with telling your parents about this? I know that that can be very difficult."
Her face turned to stone. "I'm not telling them, so no thank you."
Dr. Mason looked a concerned, and a little uncomfortable. "Um, are you sure?"
"Very."
"Well, uh, okay. Just go tell Michelle about the appointment and she'll set it up."
"Great, thanks." We left and told the secretary about the appointment, which she immediately made for a half-hour later. We raced over to the other doctor's office, where he looked over her charts and did an examination, after which we received the same results.
"I'm very sorry," the doctor said as he left the office. "I'll call up Dr. Mason and tell her the results. She'll let you know about the surgery." We said our thanks and left the office.
"How're you holding up, Kirst?" Kyle asked as we walked to the subway.
"Um....not sure. Still absorbing it I think."
"Okay, just remember that we're here for you."
"Definitely," I agreed.
"Thanks guys. You're awesome."
"Yeah, we know," I replied.
"Of course we do, we just don't want to seem too bigheaded."
She snorted. "Yeah, I'm so sure." Just then her cell phone rang. "Hello?...Hi Dr. Mason.....Okay, well it's not as if I have a choice, do I?" she said with a small smile. She took out a notepad and started writing. "...Okay, so I have to be there at...okay, seven in the morning." She sighed. "Okay, I'll be there. Thanks, Dr. Mason." She hung up the phone and looked at us.
"I have surgery scheduled for ten o'clock on Monday morning, gotta be there at seven."
"Jeez," Kyle said.
"Yeah...man, Kirst"
"Yeah..." she said, trailing off.
"Do you...do you wanna go out or something, maybe to a club, get your mind off all of it?" I asked, realizing how feeble an idea it was before I even finished.
"No, no, that's okay," she replied, "I think I'd rather just go back to the dorm. I think I need to be alone for a bit."
"Sure, no problem," Kyle and I said at the same time. We both took her back to the dorm, where she went directly to her bedroom and shut the door after giving both of us quick, awkward hugs and murmuring good night.
"I guess we should give her some time," I said quietly.
"Yeah," Kyle said, looking a little awkward. Neither of us said anything for a little while. I mean, what do you say when you find out one of your best friends has cancer? "She didn't just seem upset, you notice that? She seemed a bit pissed too...and not just the general pissed-at-the-world thing."
"Yeah, I noticed. Dr. Mason brought up her parents when I was in there."
"Ohhh, that'd explain it. Jeez, that's still a pretty f'ed up situation."
"You're telling me...this entire thing is just insane." I rubbed my hand down my face. "Okay, well, um, I think I'll get going. I'm still a bit beat from the flight and everything," I told Kyle.
"Yeah, no problem. We'll talk tomorrow, hopefully get together, assuming Kirst is up to it."
"Definitely, even if it's just hanging out around here, we should do something to get her mind off.... everything." We said our goodbyes and I went home.
I called up Jesse to tell him everything that happened. He was very sympathetic, of course. "So how you holding up, and Kirsten?"
"I'm okay, Kirsten is...dealing with it. You know her, she's tough."
"Yeah. And how're her parents taking it?"
"Oh...yeah, they don't know. And don't bring it up to Kirsten. The doctor already made that mistake."
"What? Why? What happened with them?"
"Well, the short story is that her parents are ultra-religious and conservative. When Kyle and I came out in 11th grade, they basically told her that she's not allowed to talk to us, let along be friends with us, either that or she could get out, end of story, no discussion. She basically told them that they were being narrow minded pricks and left. They already didn't get along before it happened because they're so different, with them being so conservative and straight laced. So, she stayed with me for a little while, then went to live with her aunt's, who's much more open-minded. They haven't spoken since."
"Jeez...that's crazy!" Jesse replied angrily. "How can parents do that? That's amazing of Kirsten though, to be able to choose you over her bastards of a mom and dad."
"Yeah, definitely, she's amazing. I still feel bad that it happened, though. She'll never admit it, but she does miss them."
"Yeah, I hear that." I was too tired to talk much after that, so I let him keep up most of the conversation, kept short after that, then went to bed. Problem was, even though I was physically exhausted, my mind was still very much awake. I stayed up for what felt like hours thinking about Kirsten, as well as the previous night with Jesse. I couldn't believe that just 24 hours ago I had been the happiest I had ever been, finally making love with Jesse, the love of my life. And I couldn't help feeling a twinge of anger at that being so drastically and suddenly interrupted, following which I felt a flood of guilt. How could I feel angry, when Kirsten was going through so much? How could I feel anything but complete sympathy and empathy for her? It wasn't as if she asked for this to happen. It's not as if this wasn't the last possible thing she could have wanted, and all the more so since SHE felt guilty for breaking my weekend with Jesse off so early. Then I began to think about how I had no idea how long it'd be until I see him again... With all of this going through my head, could you blame me for not being able to fall asleep?
I finally drifted off at around two in the morning, but woke up barely any more rested than I was when I went to bed the night before. The sleep that I did get was filled with dreams about Kirsten staring up at me accusingly from a coffin, beyond which Jesse was looking at me mournfully from behind a glass wall that I couldn't get through. Very disconcerting.
Kyle and I spent the day just relaxing with Kirsten at their dorm. None of us really brought up the cancer. We all basically agreed without saying anything to wait until Kirsten signals that she's ready to talk about it. She may have put up a tough show yesterday, but we knew that this was really hard on her. We played x-box, watched movies, basically just hung out together, and showed Kirsten that we were there for her.
Around midday Kyle went to run a few errands, leaving me and Kirsten alone. It was a bit awkward for me, because my mind kept on going to the dream and my guilty feelings about my anger. After about ten minutes of just sitting without saying anything or even looking each other in the eye, Kirsten said "Nate, are you okay? You know that you could still talk to me, it's not as if the slightest mention of this thing is gonna make me break down. You know I'm stronger than that."
"Yeah, yeah, I know," I replied, but still wouldn't meet her eyes.
She got up and sat down on the couch I was sitting on and put her arm around me. "Okay Nate, talk to me, come on. You know that I'm not gonna give up until you do, so you might as well just give in now and save us both a lot of trouble. Besides, I'm the sick one here, I should be able to get whatever I want!"
I chuckled slightly. "Okay, fine, you win," I said, "as usual," with a bit of a smirk. I launched into my dream and my feelings about the whole situation and my guilt and anger and everything. Kirsten, always a great listener, just kept quiet the entire time, but never took her eyes off me, and never took her arm off my shoulder. "I know that this isn't your fault, and I know that you didn't even want me to break off my weekend with Jesse to begin with, but I just can't help it, and I really feel horribly about it. Not to mention just me feeling horribly about what you're going through," I finished.
She sighed. "Nate, c'mon, it's normal to feel like that." I started to protest, but she stopped me. "No, let me finish. This was very sudden for all of us, and especially you, going from such an emotional high to a low, how could you not feel a bit of anger? And I know that it's not really at me, it's at the whole situation. Believe me, I'm angry too. But the thing is, anger doesn't really help in situations like this. It's not gonna scare it away. It's not gonna make it any easier on us. All that's gonna happen is that we're going to be left feeling extremely bitter, and that bitterness will begin to take over every aspect of our lives. What we gotta do is let that go and just deal with what we were dealt. There's nothing else we CAN do."
"Jeez, Kirst," I said, wiping my eyes. "Aren't I supposed to be the one comforting you?"
"Eh, it's ok, I know how much of an attention seeker you are," she replied, making me snort through my tears. "But I'm not gonna pretend that I'm the only one that this is affecting, cuz it's not. We're all in this together, and we're all here for each other. I know that you and Ky are here for me, and you gotta know that we're here for you, just like us two are here for him. That's how it works. For better or for worse, best friends till the end."
"I couldn't have said it better myself," we heard Kyle's voice say behind us, making us both jump a little.
"Hey man," I said, "we didn't hear you come in."
"Of course you didn't with this tear-fest going on," he replied. "But I'm with Kirst, this is affecting us all, and there's nothing that's gonna keep us from getting each other through it, no matter what."
"Okay Kyle, get over here, I feel a group hug coming on," I said with a grin, which widened when he rolled his eyes, but he obligingly came over and we held each other for a little while, until Kirsten wiped her eyes and said "Okay, `nuf of that, let's get a movie with some hot bods on!!!"
"Definitely," I said, while Kyle jumped up saying "YESSSS!!" making both of us giggle. We ended up watching "The Covenant". Not the best of movies, but no ends in supply of hot guys, and we also ended up just cracking up at a bunch of the corny lines and acting.
"Oh man," Kyle said when we were done. "That blonde guy that played Reid was sooo flippin hot!"
"What?!?" I exclaimed. "No way. Caleb was by far the hottest, followed closely by Pogue. There's no way that you could think Reid was that good. Hell, the only one worse looking than him was the one who played Chase."
"What are both of you smoking?" Kirsten joined in. "Pogue was by FAR the hottest! No one even came close!!!" We bickered a little more on the subject, then decided we could all use some sleep. I was still a tad jetlagged, so I texted a bit with Jesse from the couch, where I was spending the night. Finally, I drifted off to sleep, right after texting "I love you" to my boy.
I spent the rest of the weekend by their dorm. We partly spent it not thinking about the coming Monday by doing things like playing x-box, watching movies, and walking around the neighborhood and parks. The rest was used getting ready for Monday, by getting things that Kirsten might need or want in the hospital like comfortable and not- too-revealing pajamas, books and magazines, and various types of increasingly fattening junk food.
When Monday morning finally came, we were pretty quiet. Not one joke was cracked, not one sarcastic remark was said. We only told each other what was absolutely necessary, and the occasional comforting comment to Kirsten, but otherwise remained silent.
We got to the waiting room, where I kept stealing furtive glances at the coffee machine, but didn't dare get a cup, since Kirsten wasn't allowed to eat or drink anything and the mere smell of a cup of coffee in her vicinity would probably give her a stroke. That or cause her to attempt to literally rip my throat out. She sat there listening to her mp3 player, alternating between leaning on my shoulder and Kyle's.
When the nurse finally came out to call Kirsten into pre-op, so we gave her hugs, wished her good luck, promising we'd be there when she got out. She just gave us her usual courageous smile, turned around and went with the nurse, leaving Kyle and me to just sit there and drink increasing amounts of coffee, while worrying about what was going on and what Kirsten was going through.
Hey guys. I know, I know, it's been ages since I last posted a chapter. More than ages. I haven't exactly fallen off the face of the earth, but in terms of life to just write at a computer, pretty much. I'm really sorry about that, I know that a lot of you have written emails and IM'd me about the story, and I keep saying `soon', but life's been extremely crazy. I still want to continue the story, and I do have plans for where I want it to go, but I have no guarantee of when the next time I'll be able to post a new chapter will be (hopefully within less time than since the last chapter though). I hope you're not too annoyed/angry about this, but simply put, I do have a life outside of this story, and it's gotta come first, but I'm sorry about that. It's definitely something I enjoy doing and wish I had more time for, so it's not just you who's upset about it.
Well now that we got that out off the way, I hope you enjoyed this chapter! As always, I really appreciate your feedback, which you can email to JesseandNate@gmail.com or IM to JesseandNate on AIM. Also, the MSN group's still around, which you can find at groups.msn.com/JesseandNate. I also want to say I really appreciate all the feedback I've gotten, and the requests for a new chapter; it's been pretty overwhelming, so thanks for that, you guys are awesome! (Also, the more you guys email me asking for a new chapter, the more it gets me to try and squeeze in time for writing, so keep it up!)
As always, thanks for reading!