Obligatory warnings and disclaimers:
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If reading this is in any way illegal where you are or at your age, or you don't want to read about male/male relationships, go away. You shouldn't be here.
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I don't know any of the celebrities in this story, and this story in no way is meant to imply anything about their sexualities, personalities, or anything else. This is a work of pure fiction.
Questions and commentary can be sent to "writerboy69@hotmail.com". I enjoy constructive criticism, praise, and rational discussion. I do not enjoy flames, and will not tolerate them.
Welcome to Season 6.
Jack
The reception was in full swing well into the evening. Everyone had sat down for dinner, and Justin and Carla had given beautiful, heartfelt toasts about friendship and love and wanting Josh and I to be happy. People had clinked their glasses so many times during dinner that we had barely gotten any food in, and I wondered why we couldn't have just gone for the low quality, plastic stemware, but of course that wouldn't have been perfect, and so far everything had been, except for my little tiny slip with the vows. Josh had assured me repeatedly that I hadn't ruined our wedding, and that I needed to stop dwelling on it.
After dinner the staff took out some of the tables as people drifted back out to the bar for more cocktails, and the bandleader called for Josh and I to come up to the front. As he introduced us for our first dance as a married couple, everyone burst into applause, and Josh pulled me to the middle of the dance floor as the band began an instrumental version of "This I Promise You" and smiled down at me, his face beaming as it had been all day, his smile wide with his gleaming white teeth and beautifully tanned skin.
"They're playing our song," Josh whispered into my ear as we began to waltz softly around the floor. It was the first time we had been alone since the quick talk we had before the ceremony. We weren't technically alone, what with everyone staring and smiling, but nobody else was on the floor, and we could whisper at our leisure. "I love you, Jack."
"I know, and I love you, too," I answered, smiling at him. The colored lights shining on the dance floor caught his eyes, reflecting and flashing, playing over the starched white shirts of the fabulous tuxedos we'd picked out. "You've been saying that all day. Don't you ever get tired of it?"
Josh laughed, and I could see people sighing as they wondered what we were talking about. Maybe they knew. The two of us had been fawning all over each other for the past few days, always holding hands, even worse than usual. The few days before that had just been so hard that all we wanted to do now was be with each other, and hold each other, and find strength in our love, because we, at least, had that. The guys had pulled together to convince us to go through with all of this, but underneath their forced gaiety you could see the strain peeking through. Josh and I were trying to take care of everyone else, but it was hard to focus on others when they were focused on you. I looked around the room at our friends as we moved through the steps we knew so well.
Carla, who was grinning as she realized that I learned all of these dances during those classes she and I had taken so long ago, was standing by Joey, jabbing him in the side with her finger every once in a while. Joey would blush, and then pinch her on the butt, something many, many men before him had been smacked or publicly humiliated for, but Carla would just giggle and hold her fingers over her mouth demurely before waiting, and then poking him in the ribs again. I remembered the kiss I'd caught them in, and wondered what on earth was going on there. Given the number of girls I'd seen Joey flirt with, and the usual three or four day duration of Carla's average relationship, I doubted this was more than a fling. Still, I'd be able to tease both of them about it for a long, long time to come.
Chris and Vlada, on the other hand, might actually be something serious. Vlada had somehow risen above the rest of the herd of models who had moved through Chris's apartment on his marathon dating schedule, and was slowly making a place for herself with the guys in our little family, just like I had. She stood next to Chris now, holding his arm, and when he looked at her you could see that he actually was pretty smitten. To my amusement, he had to look up at her, as Vlada towered over Chris in her heels, almost a full head taller. It didn't seem to bother either of them, though. I remembered that I wanted to talk to her later, and decided I'd have to cut in at some point once everyone else got to hit the dance floor.
A little away from the others, standing with Karen and Roy, were Lance and Justin, their shoulders touching, but nothing else. I wasn't sure what was going on with the two of them, and had been surprised as hell when I opened that door and saw them kissing, but from the looks on their faces they had been just as surprised. The two of them had been reluctant to tell me, Josh, or any of the others anything since the night the shit hit the fan, other than to say that they were helping each other, and they would let us know if they needed anything. Each time I tried to take one of them aside, they told me that I needed to concentrate on the wedding, and Josh said they did the same thing to him. I didn't think it was good for the two of them to be so shut off from everyone else, but they assured me that as soon as this was over and Josh and I were away on our honeymoon, they would go get some professional help. Until then, it was like the two of them were allied against everyone, building a little wall around themselves, but standing proudly inside it, leaning on each other. At least they weren't being victims.
"I never get tired of saying it to you," Josh sighed, glancing at our linked hands. I followed his gaze, seeing our rings shining under the lights. We'd chosen to add a second silver band to the others we already wore, rather than getting new ones, because the ones we had held so much meaning for us both. These new ones, though, had inscriptions on the inside, both of our names with the word "Forever". "How are you holding up?"
Josh was worried about my stamina, but I really thought I was ok. I wasn't as weak as I had been, and was running on so many endorphins right now that it didn't matter anyway. I felt like I was flying, and every time I looked into Josh's eyes I felt something surge up inside of me. He was a little worried about my emotional state, too, as there was such a large crowd, and we'd both been so on edge, but I hadn't felt even the slightest flutter all day. Even when I forgot my vows, which I was still kicking myself for, I had felt nervous, but it was a normal kind of nervous, not the chewing at my insides nervousness that one of the attacks brought. It was probably safe to say that my emotions were running on a high, too.
"I'm good," I whispered. "I've never been this happy, Josh. I don't really know how to deal with it."
He laughed, a deep throaty laugh that made me want to kiss his throat and his bouncing adam's apple. It was a genuine laugh, the kind that people make when they are completely at ease, and happy just to be alive. I felt his strong shoulder shaking under my hand as he held me against him, and I was glad that I'd given him something to laugh at. Josh had been torn up for the past couple days, too, feeling guilty and worried, and I was just as concerned about him as he was about me. His hand was warm against mine, palm to palm, and I felt the other pressing firmly against the small of my back as he twirled me around the floor.
"Only you would see just being happy as something that you'd have to deal with," Josh giggled. "It's ok to just enjoy it, Jack."
"I know," I smiled, laying my head on his shoulder. I heard a bunch of the women in the audience going, "Awwwwww," but left my head there just the same. The song was almost over, and I wanted to keep enjoying my Josh time for as long as I could. "I didn't mean it like it's some terrible burden I have to live under or something. I just, I look around the room and see everyone else, and I feel kind of bad that I'm this happy, and you are, and everyone else isn't."
"And that's why I love you," Josh said, hugging me tightly, our feet sliding out of rhythm as Josh squeezed me tightly, spinning me around in a circle. His arms bulged, and I laughed, feeling his chest press against mine. "Because you're always thinking about someone else, and I wouldn't have you any other way."
Before I could answer this, could insist that every once in a while I was selfish, too, the band finished playing our song, and Josh was bending me back as his pressed his mouth to mine, kissing me again. I held onto him, one of my hands tangling in his hair now that I didn't have to worry about messing it up before the pictures. Josh's lips were soft but firm at the same time, brushing against my own as his bearded chin tickled my bare one. He was having a little flash of shyness with everyone watching, but I dipped my tongue into his mouth anyway, scraping it against his, the two of them dueling wetly in that hot, enclosed space. When we pulled back, grinning, Josh looked a little dazed, and I could feel a little bit of a flush creeping over my own face as the crowd burst into cheering applause and whistles.
"It is now my supreme pleasure to welcome the mother of the groom, well, of one of them, to the dance floor," the bandleader said, blushing. I guess it was his first gay wedding, too. "Please join me in welcoming Joshua and his mother, Karen, for the traditional mother-son dance."
I clapped along with everyone else, melting into the sidelines as Josh took his mother's hand and carefully pulled her out onto the dance floor. Josh and Karen had both suggested canceling this, and I'd argued with them. This was tradition, and just because my own mother couldn't be bothered to come I didn't want the two of them to miss out on this moment. They didn't want me to be hurt, but I told them I would be hurt more if they didn't get to do this, because every parent dreams of dancing with their child on their wedding day. It was harder than I thought, though, I realized as I watched them spin across the floor. I felt a sharp, stabbing pang in my chest as I saw them so happy, Karen looking very proud, and Josh full of love and a shining, glowing joy.
I still didn't know how I felt about my mother. I still hadn't really allowed myself to feel anything about my trip home, and the revelation about my family, or my real family, or however I was supposed to be thinking of them. Josh and I still hadn't opened that envelope from my mother yet. It was still sitting in the middle of the coffee table where I had set it down when I unpacked, and I kept glancing at it uneasily, wondering when I would feel like opening it. I caught Josh looking at it a few times, too, when he passed it, or when he sat in one of the chairs, writing in his notebook. He would glance up, looking for me, and his eyes would fall on the envelope, narrowing slightly as his brows furrowed together. The two of us were treating it like some sort of Pandora's Box, not sure of what might be inside, and what it might mean.
I really had kind of hoped my mother would come to the wedding, though. I had tried to reach out to her in my note, tried to take at least a step toward forging some kind of a bond, but whatever crack she had felt that allowed her to bare herself to Josh, and to write that note to me, had apparently closed back up, slammed itself closed like a glacier around one of those mammoths that you read about in the paper every once in a while. I still couldn't forgive her for the way she had always treated me, for the way that she had been my entire life, but I had thought we might get beyond it. Apparently I was the only one who felt that way, though. For a brief, confusing moment she had almost been my mother, and then she had retreated back into her shell, wounding me again rather than facing anything she might consider distasteful. It would have been so easy for her to be here, such a small thing, and she wouldn't do it.
I sighed, and felt a hand on my shoulder. Turning, I saw Roy, watching Josh and Karen before he turned back to me. His grip was firm, but comforting.
"I'm sorry, Jack," he said, squeezing once before dropping his arm back down to his side. I smiled at him.
"I'm that transparent?" I asked.
"Actually, you're not, not to me, anyway," he said, watching them again. "I'm sure Joshua can look across the room and tell exactly what you're thinking, just like you can with him. I know, because I've seen you guys do it, hold entire conversations without saying more than a word. I was just guessing, but you're thinking about your family, aren't you?"
"Yeah," I admitted, looking down at my hands.
Josh had told his parents, and Heather and Tyler, about my newly revealed past, and after they had all flown in we had discussed it a little at a quiet family dinner. Heather didn't say much about it, but she and I didn't know each other all that well. She was very accepting of my and Josh's relationship, in theory, but in practice we seemed to make her a little uncomfortable. Tyler, on the other hand, had been bursting with questions about how I felt, what I was going to do, and who I thought my real family might be. It was hard to answer them all, since some of them were things that I hadn't though about, or hadn't allowed myself to think about. I really was going to have to open that envelope at some point.
"You know, Jack," Tyler continued breathlessly, grinning in that same sly way he and Josh had right before they wrestled each other to the ground or gave each other noogies. "You and Josh could actually be, like, long lost brothers or something. Wouldn't that be kind of gross?"
I giggled, but Josh lightly smacked the back of his head.
"Tyler, this is serious," Josh said, frowning at him.
"And I think I might remember having another child," Karen added dryly.
We had quickly moved on to other topics, because Josh knew this wasn't a good one for me yet. We still hadn't told the guys or even Carla, although I was planning to once the wedding was over. The only thing that stopped me was that I was still feeling kind of selfish, like I was demanding that everyone keep everything all about me and Josh. Granted, they were all insisting that we focus on ourselves right now, but I didn't want to throw this out there, too. My problems seemed so small by comparison to the ones Lance and Justin were trying to cope with. Still, I needed to start opening up on this a little, too.
"I'm sorry they chose not to come, Jack," Roy said. "For what it's worth, I think they've missed an amazing day. The two of you, and that young lady you hired, did an amazing job of celebrating your love, and I'm honored that you chose to share it with us. I don't know if he told you, but I know that Joshua was hoping your mother might come after all."
"I know he was, but I knew it wouldn't happen," I sighed. "Roy."
"Dad," he corrected.
"Dad," I continued, the word feeling a little foreign in my mouth. "Can I ask you a question? What did you guys think when Josh told you about me? I don't mean now that you know me, and you've had time to get used to it. What did you think when he first told you he was gay?"
Roy swallowed, looking at me thoughtfully. He had the same frown between his eyebrows that Josh did, and it made me smile a little. I could tell that he was weighing his words, but I really just wanted him to spit them out, and he seemed to sense that.
"Jack, I know that you and Karen talked about this the first time you came out to the house," Roy said. "When Josh first told us, we were surprised, and a little taken aback. I've always thought of us as a pretty open, pretty accepting family, but it's definitely one thing to say you accept gay people and quite another to have your oldest son tell you he's one of them. At the same time, though, we've always had faith in Josh's judgment, in all of our children's, really. When Josh told us he was sure, and that he was serious about you, we tried our best to take it in stride."
"Was it hard?" I asked. "Was it hard as a parent to accept that your child was, you know, that way?"
"No," Roy answered simply. "We love our children, and nothing could ever make us stop. We always said we would love whatever girl Josh decided to love, and we decided not to change that just because you're not a girl."
Josh and Karen made a beautiful dance team, but the song was going to finish soon. The floor would finally be open for dancing after that, so I figured Roy and I still had time.
"So you were just happy for him?" I asked. Why couldn't my parents be like that? Oh yeah, it was because they hadn't loved me to begin with.
"We were happy, but we were also a little afraid for him," Roy said. I frowned, and he elaborated. "You two are in danger, because of who you are. What happened to you, Jack, proved that. We were worried about Josh putting himself at risk, both with his career and personally."
"Yeah, I guess those fears were valid," I said, shaking my head. Roy put his hand on my shoulder again.
"Maybe, but you two decided not to let fear rule your lives, Jack," he said, smiling. "I'm proud of both of you, and from what I've seen, it looks like it was worth the risk."
We both snapped our heads toward the dance floor as we heard the room burst into applause, realizing that the mother-son dance was all wrapped up. Josh and Karen were both walking toward us, and Josh grabbed me in another crushing hug, pressing his lips to mine. He was definitely running on high right now, and I giggled as I felt his strong arms flexing through the sleeves of his jacket and shirt as he crushed me against him.
"You look sad," he said, spinning me out onto the floor as the band began to play something faster. I let him lead, since I had no idea what we were dancing to, but other couples drifted out onto the floor as well, leaving us a little bubble of space to whisper to each other in. "What were you guys talking about?"
"Family stuff," I sighed, smiling to let him know that I was ok. "We're really lucky to have your parents."
"I know," Josh agreed. "Jack, I'm sorry your family isn't here."
I shook my head, kissing him quickly on the lips.
"Don't be," I said. Josh looked at me quizzically. "Josh, look at all the people who are here. I know a lot of yours are industry people who probably figured they had to come, but look at the rest of the room. All our friends are here, and your family, and everyone is happy for us. There are a lot of people who don't have that. We're really lucky, Josh, and I don't want us to ever lose sight of that."
Josh kissed me on the forehead.
"The luckiest day of my life was when your car broke down," he sighed, his blue eyes flashing under the lights.
"Thanks," I said, our feet moving quickly as I followed his lead. Josh could turn anyone into a good dancer. "I was thinking the same thing."
We danced like that for a while, lost in each other, as the band moved into faster songs, and then began playing instrumental versions of pop songs. Most of the younger people were up dancing now, and everyone appeared to be having a really good time as I pulled Josh off to the side.
"As much as I'd love to keep dancing, we're neglecting our guests," I said, nodding at the rest of the room. "Lisann said we're supposed to circulate."
"I know," Josh said, sighing. He ran his fingers along my jaw, tilting my head up a little, and I felt myself shiver under his feather soft touch. "I just, you know."
"We'll dance again later, ok?" I said, smiling. "We can keep the band here all night if you want to. You're paying for it."
"We," Josh corrected, kissing me again. His mouth was so soft, yet somehow so hot, as he buried his head in my neck. "We're paying for it."
"Right," I agreed, smiling.
I didn't really agree, though. I know that Josh said everything he had was mine, and that we were equals, but it was really hard for me to think of Josh's money as ours. He had worked really hard for it, and had given up a lot to be where and who he was, and I felt like I wasn't bringing much to the marriage by comparison, at least not in a material sense. I didn't want to feel like a housewife. My independence had always been important to me, and I felt like I was just a big sucking leech, even if Josh insisted that I wasn't. The long and short of it was that I needed a job. Even though the money I would bring in was nothing compared to his, I would at least feel kind of balanced.
"What?" Josh asked, stopping me as I began to turn away. "Jack, please."
"Nothing, Josh," I said, shaking my head. "It's the same thing. I'll tell you that I need a job, and you'll tell me to take my time, and then we'll pretend that you're not paying for everything and I'm not just riding along."
Josh sighed and pulled me away into the hallway, his arm around my waist. I followed, not wanting to spoil the day, but also not wanting to lie to him.
"Jack, I told you, I like to buy things for you," he said, holding the sides of my face so that I was staring into his, at those cheekbones, and those eyes I knew so well. "I mean it when I say what's mine is yours. You and I are one, and everything we have belongs to both of us."
"I know, Josh," I said, looking away. "And I know that even when I do get a job, it's not going to even measure next to what you do. I just, I still feel sometimes like I don't belong in this world, Josh. I still feel like a hanger on, and I don't want people to think that when they look at me."
Josh hugged me tightly, and I inhaled deeply, crushed against him, my head against his neck. He smelled musky, kind of manly, but in a good way.
"Jack, whatever you do is going to be important, because it's important to you," he said. "And honestly, I have more money than I'll ever be able to spend by myself. It's practically a full time job for people to keep up with it all. You and I together aren't even going to make a dent in it, and what's the point of having all of that if we're not going to use it? You told me before not to forget how lucky we are to have our friends and family, and to be so accepted. Well, we're also lucky to be able to live like this, too, to not want anything. Please, stop feeling guilty for having it, and enjoy it a little."
"I do, Josh," I said, my head on his shoulder as he held me. "I know how lucky I am. I've done things with you that I never would have done anywhere else, and I've become a whole other person that I never would have if I didn't meet you, and love you, and have you love me back. And I know that when you say we're equals, we really are in your eyes. I know you don't look down on me, but Josh, I look down on myself. I know it's not a good thing, but I feel like I'm not bringing anything to this."
"Jack, it's not your fault you're not working," Josh said, his hands running in circles over my back. "You had interviews, and then Basil took you. You've been in recovery, and really all the work you've done for the wedding has been almost a full time job."
"But I don't want spending your money to be my full time job," I said, shaking my head. "Josh, I'm tired of having excuses. I'm tired of being fragile, and having to be taken care of. I want my life back. I want to really be your equal. I want to feel like I'm doing something, too, like I'm contributing, even if it is just something small. I'm just not used to being taken care of, and it's not really part of who I am."
"I hear you, babe, I hear you," Josh said, tilting my head up again. I felt his lips scrape over mine, his beard scratching a little at my chin, and his heartbeat was thumping through his shirt under my hands as they spread caressingly across his chest. "When the honeymoon's over, we'll find you a job. It'll give you something to do while we're on tour. Unless, you know, you want to go with us?"
"No," I said, shaking my head. He looked at me, confused, and I kissed him again, just for that expression. "You guys have told me all about being on tour, and all you've talked about is rehearsals, and appearances, and grueling schedules. It might be fun to visit, but I'm not going on tour."
"OK," Josh said, laughing. He took my hand. "Come on. I want you to meet some more of my family."
We walked around for a while, meeting aunts and uncles and cousins. I tried valiantly to remember who everyone was, but names had never been one of my strong suits, and for the most part they all looked the same. Those cheekbones must have run in the family, because they all had them, and the high foreheads, and everything else. I'd never seen such attractive people in my life, not so many at once. They were all high end, at least the blood relatives, and I wondered if it was the French ancestry or just luck. These people were the Evian of gene pools, and they were all so nice. Tyler had breathlessly confessed to me at the rehearsal dinner that there were a few family scandals going on, and that some of Josh's relatives hadn't come, but then Karen had caught him, and shooed him back to the dining room, where Josh was with the guys, laughing and singing while I took a breather in the hall.
"I would yell at him, but I have this vague feeling that I was just as exuberant at his age," Karen said. "On the one hand, I guess it's nice that you and Tyler get along so well. He's been looking at this whole thing like he just got his wish, and finally has another brother."
"He's a great kid," I said, smiling. Tyler and Josh had a really easy going, best friends kind of relationship, like brothers in a sitcom, and Tyler treated me the same way. It never seemed to cross his mind that his brother and I had sex, or else it didn't matter to him. "I like him a lot. And he didn't mean anything by telling me that. You're not mad at him, are you?"
"Not exactly," Karen said, sighing. "I did tell him not to mention the arguments to you or Joshua, though."
"I'm sure Josh has noticed who's here and who's not," I said, shrugging. Karen smiled at me.
"Well, yes, Jack, I agree that Josh isn't stupid," she said, following up on the comment I had thought but not said. "I didn't want Tyler to make a big deal about it, because we didn't want to upset Josh, or you."
"Me?" I asked. "I don't even know most of your family."
"Yes, but I know you," Karen said. "Right now you're smiling, but later you're going to start thinking about causing rifts in the family, and thinking that you're making things hard for Josh, or costing him his loved ones, or something like that. Then you're going to brood on it, you and Josh are going to have a discussion about it, and eventually he'll call me."
I blinked at her, wondering if she was about to tell me that I'd also spend that time while I was brooding scrubbing the bathroom or making the beds.
"You really do know me," I said, smiling. I couldn't help it. "But Karen."
"No," she said, putting a finger on my mouth. "This isn't your fault. Our family isn't perfect, and if they weren't boiling over this they would be over something else. As far as I'm concerned, the ones that are here are the only ones worth caring about. Now, let's go back inside, so you can spend the rest of dinner with Joshua, ok? Your friend Carla says she's going to separate you two for the night, so you'd better enjoy him while you can."
Karen and I had gone back inside, Josh's eyes lighting up again when he saw me, and we had enjoyed the rest of the rehearsal dinner party, wearing those stupid bride caps that Joey had bought us. The photographer had snapped several pictures at the dinner of us in them, and I thought bemusedly that it might be fun to enclose a couple of those in the press pack we were sending out. As with so many other things in the past few days, I had put it out of my mind, but I remembered it now as we circulated among Josh's family.
"You ok?" Josh asked, hugging me after we met some ancient great aunt.
"Yeah, I'm good," I answered, hugging him back. I was feeling less uncomfortable with having everyone stare at us through the entire reception.
"What are you thinking about?" he asked, nuzzling the back of my head with his as he held me against him from behind.
"Family stuff," I answered, holding his arms as they curled up against my chest.
"You're my family now," Josh sighed against the nape of my neck.
"I know," I answered, and I meant it.
No matter what else happened, I would always have Josh, and nothing would ever come between us. Karen and Roy had been better parents to me in the months that I'd known Josh than my own had in the years that I'd been with them. Heather might be a little uncomfortable with us, but she was trying, and Tyler already felt closer to me than my own brother had. I looked at the empty chairs where those missing, objecting cousins should have gone, and realized that it didn't matter if they weren't here. Maybe my new family wasn't perfect, but they were mine, and I was wanted here, and loved.
"Jack, Joshua," Lisann said quietly from behind us. "It's time to cut the cake."
"OK," I said, taking Josh's hand as he leaned over to kiss me again, a quick little peck on the mouth. I saw his eyes twinkle mischievously. "Josh, remember what I told you. No cake smashing."
"We'll see," he said, grinning.
To be continued.