Obligatory warnings and disclaimers:
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If reading this is in any way illegal where you are or at your age, or you don't want to read about male/male relationships, go away. You shouldn't be here.
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I don't know any of the celebrities in this story, and this story in no way is meant to imply anything about their sexualities, personalities, or anything else. This is a work of pure fiction.
Questions and commentary can be sent to "writerboy69@hotmail.com". I enjoy constructive criticism, praise, and rational discussion. I do not enjoy flames, and will not tolerate them.
Back to the story in progress.
Jack
Josh and I fell asleep holding on to each other, comforting each other. I told him quietly about how I had almost grayed out while I was with Justin, and how I'd been able to fight to keep it from happening, and Josh kissed me and told me how proud of me he was. He told me about holding Justin's hand while the doctor examined him, and how Justin had refused to let the doctor do a rape kit, or call the police. I didn't know they could do a kit for a male, but apparently parts of it were applicable. Josh continued, telling me how Justin cried and squeezed his fingers painfully together when the doctor cleaned him and treated him, Josh telling him over and over to be strong and that it would be over soon while Justin whimpered and cried.
I couldn't imagine how Justin must be feeling right now, beyond the physical pain. I had never been violated by another person, never in that way, and it must have been so much worse for Justin. Justin's power, and his whole sense of self, was all tied up in sex, and in his body, and Nick had taken that away from him. I had held Justin, and listened to him, and seen the look in his eyes. I was afraid that Nick had done more than take his power, more than defeat him. I was afraid that Nick had crushed something inside of him, something we wouldn't ever have back. For all of his games and his schemes and the things he had done, Justin had also paradoxically always kept a portion of his excited, wide-eyed innocence, and I was worried that Nick had taken that from Justin along with his virginity.
As if thinking about Justin wasn't enough, I also couldn't stop thinking about Lance. After Justin had hurt him, it had been so hard for Lance to trust anyone again. It had been so hard for him to reach out to anyone, and I remembered how he had struggled just to go on a second date with Howie. Lance, before Howie, had also been a virgin, had never been with anyone, and it had been so difficult, and taken so much, for him to be with Howie, to learn to accept the physical side of love, and now Howie had betrayed him. Once again, someone had hurt him, and Lance thought it was his fault. Once again he had been driven right up to his breaking point, and one of us had to save him because he couldn't save himself. Somewhere, in Lance's mind, love was all twisted up in his head, and he seemed so at home in the role of victim, as if he expected it.
And now the two of them were over in Lance's cottage, two broken birds in one cage. At least we could count on them not to hurt each other, and I was harboring a secret hope that, in taking care of each other, they also learn something about taking care of themselves.
Josh began to cry again as he continued telling me about the emergency room, and the doctor, and how hurt Justin was, and I held him against me as we lay face to face on the same pillow. I ran my fingers gently through Josh's soft hair, and felt the velvet crush of his arms and shoulders as he held me tightly, murmuring over and over that he loved me, and that he would never hurt me. Our legs brushed each other, strong calves and thighs entwining, and we were chest to chest from hugging so tightly. I ran my hands up Josh's back, feeling his strength, as he nuzzled at my neck, his beard brushing over my pulse as his nose tickled that little spot of skin just below my ear.
"Jack, I love you so much," Josh whispered, kissing my neck. "I'll never let anything bad happen to you again, never. I'll never hurt you, Jack, and I'll never let anyone else hurt you, not while I can stop it. I promise, Jack, I promise."
"I love you, Josh," I whispered back, lifting my chin as he nuzzled under it, his fingers fluttering over the sides of my face. "All you have to promise is to love me."
We didn't make love. Instead we just lay together, kissing, holding on to each other, until Josh fell asleep. My mind was still turning all of it over, chasing around and around everything, worrying over the others, and over Josh as well. As I said before, somehow Josh managed to live in a world where no one was every unkind to anyone else, despite everything he had seen, and everything that had happened to all of us before this. Every time something assaulted that world it was a blow against Josh himself, and I worried how he would bear up under this new pressure on top of everything he had already been sorting through, all the pain he'd been holding in as he worked through my recovery. I was so worried about the others, Lance, Justin, and Josh, that it had more or less smothered my thoughts of myself, and the news that I wasn't who I thought I was, and never had been.
I had to take care of this family before I could waste any more time brooding on the one I had been raised with, or the other one that hadn't wanted me either.
When Josh and I woke up the next morning we showered together, and then dressed quickly. Walking out of the apartment, we both studiously ignored the envelope from my mother, which sat ominously on the coffee table. As long as I wasn't going to face it, Josh wasn't going to push it, and right now really wasn't the time, anyway. We stopped off at the restaurant to get some breakfast stuff, and carried it with us to Lance's cottage, unsure of what kind of food, or how much, he would have there in the tiny refrigerator. We knocked on the door, waited, and knocked again before a sleepy looking Lance, dressed in boxers and an undershirt, rubbing his eyes, opened it.
"Good morning," he said, blinking at us.
"Hi," I said, holding up the tray. "We brought breakfast."
"Can we come in?" Josh asked.
"Sure," Lance said, stepping aside to let us through. I saw a sheet and pillow on the couch, and glanced at Lance quizzically. He shrugged. "I didn't want to make Justin uncomfortable. I thought if he woke up and felt someone near him it might scare him."
"So you slept on the couch?" Josh asked.
"Had to sleep somewhere," Lance answered, shrugging. He looked away suddenly. "Besides, I don't want to sleep in there right now, not where, you know, where Howie and I."
"It's ok, Lance," I said, putting a hand on his shoulder as Josh began setting the table.
"Am I supposed to miss him, Jack?' Lance asked, blinking at me. "Because I do. I know everyone says he didn't love me, but he did, and even if he hurt me, I miss him. He wasn't always like that, and I was thinking that maybe, maybe now he can get some help, too, and he can change. Maybe he can come back, and we'll be together again. Is it bad to think that, Jack?"
"Lance, I can't answer that for you," I said, swallowing hard.
"But you don't think I should feel that way," he said, shaking his head.
"Lance, I can't tell you how to feel," I said. "I'm not you, but if I was, I wouldn't want him back. He hurt you, Lance."
"I know," Lance said, nodding. Josh put a hand on his other shoulder, patting it. "I just, I remember how he was, when we first met, when we went on the ferris wheel. He wasn't always like this, and I miss him."
"We'll be right here for you, Lance," Josh said.
"I know," Lance said, nodding. "I just can't stop thinking about it."
Before we could say anything else to him we were interrupted by a high pitched moan from the bedroom. Lance had left the door open, probably so he could hear if Justin needed him, and we walked over quickly. Justin was asleep, curled up in a tiny ball, and Josh knelt by the side of the bed as Lance and I looked on. Justin's eyes were pinched tightly closed, and he was covered with sweat, his t-shirt wet and sticking to him, his short hair plastered to his forehead. He was moaning in his sleep.
"No," Justin muttered, his voice tight. "No, no, please, no."
Josh put a hand on his shoulder, and Justin's eyes bulged open as he skittered back across the bed away from the touch, bleating in fear. Josh jumped back, surprised and looking a little hurt, as Justin blinked at us.
"Josh?" Justin asked, sliding carefully back over. "Josh, I was, I had this dream."
"I'm sorry, Justin," Josh said quietly, his hands on the edge of the bed. Justin's eyes began to water.
"It really happened, didn't it?" Justin asked, remembering again.
"Justin, I'm so sorry," Josh said again, holding out his arms.
Justin slumped into them, sobbing, and Lance and I stepped out of the bedroom, giving them some privacy. As Lance and I awkwardly poured our coffee, anxiously watching the bedroom, we saw Josh help Justin out of bed, whispering quietly to him. Josh walked Justin on trembling legs to the bathroom, Justin nodding at both of us as he went by, his eyes impossibly huge. The two of them vanished behind the closed bathroom door, and then Josh slid back out.
"Lance, do you have anything he can wear?" Josh asked quietly.
"Yeah," Lance said, heading for the bedroom.
"How is he?" I asked, hugging Josh, silently lending him my support. He pressed himself gratefully against me, burying his face in my hair for a second.
"I don't know," he answered. "He's in pain, you know, physical pain, but mostly he's just hurt inside, Jack, like he's broken. I don't think it ever occurred to him that things might not turn out the way he planned. I don't think Justin ever thought he could lose."
"We'll get him through this, Josh," I sighed. Behind us, I heard Lance opening and closing dresser drawers. "We'll get them both through this, all of this."
Lance carried a bundle of clothing over to the bathroom, and, knocking softly, passed them in while I sipped my coffee and Josh put together his tea. After a few minutes Justin emerged from the bathroom, looking very pale in a black set of Lance's pajamas, his face washed and still wet, and the four of us sat down at the table. Lance shocked me by saying grace before we reached for any of the food, but maybe the three of them needed a little extra support. I mumbled an amen with the rest of them, and watched them. We all ate quietly, none of us really knowing what to say to each other.
"So," Lance sighed finally, looking back and forth between the three of us.
"How about that local sports team?" I asked, smirking. Lance and Justin offered up the ghost of a smile, and Josh patted my hand.
"How was your trip?" Justin asked quietly, blinking at me. "Is your family coming to the wedding?"
"Probably not," I answered, shrugging. "They, um, it didn't go really well."
"I'm sorry," Justin said, looking down at his bagel. "I shouldn't have asked."
"No, it's ok," I said. "It's not your fault."
"I'm sorry, too," Lance said. "I know, kind of, how you feel. My mom hasn't really talked to me since I told her about me and Howie. Howie said not to worry about it, that it didn't matter, but now I don't have him, either."
"You still have us, though," Josh said, patting Lance's hand now.
"I know," Lance said, smiling at Josh. It was a tight, pained smile. "I just wish things were different."
None of us said anything, letting the silence sit between us, drifting over us like fog. Justin glanced at the clock, and then tapped me on the hand.
"Hurry, or you're going to be late," he said quietly.
"Late?" I asked, staring at him.
"For what?" Josh asked, also lost.
"You guys have that final menu tasting in the ballroom," Justin said, looking surprised as well. The last couple days had driven all thoughts of the wedding out of my head. I hadn't looked at my schedule, hadn't consulted my plans.
"Shit, I forgot about that," I said, glancing at Josh.
"Maybe we can call Lisann," Josh suggested. "We could reschedule, or just tell her to pick whatever she thinks is best."
"I think you should go," Justin said quietly.
"So do I," Lance added. "You guys have been planning this for so long."
"But it doesn't seem so important now," I said, taking Josh's hand. "It seems so, so petty, to be worrying about flowers and appetizers."
"You guys need us, and that matters more," Josh said, squeezing my hand tightly. He knew what I was saying, and he agreed.
"No," Justin said, shaking his head. "Go to the menu thing. Lance and I will be fine."
"We will," Lance agreed, nodding. "Please, go to your appointment. We'll still be here when you get back."
I glanced at Josh, and could see that he was torn as well.
"Are you sure?" Josh asked.
"You guys will be ok?" I asked, not wanting to abandon them.
"Yes!" Lance snapped.
"Go!" Justin added.
I looked at Josh, catching his blue eyes with mine, seeing everything in them that I felt, the concern, the conflict, the need to help everyone else mixed with the desire to take care of ourselves. I meant what I had said. Everything did seem so petty and meaningless suddenly, my concerns about the keepsakes being engraved appeared childish next to the ways I could have spent that time, being there for my friends, noticing more of what was happening to them and less of what was happening to myself. Josh looked at me, looked at the two of them, and then looked at the clock, shrugging. He raised his eyebrows a little, and I nodded, neither of us actually needing words.
"OK," I said, pulling my chair out.
"But we'll have both of our phones on," Josh said. "Call if you need us."
"Unless you want to come with?" I asked.
"No thanks," Lance said, shaking his head.
"We'll be fine," Justin insisted.
We left the two of them at the cottage, and headed to the ballroom, where we found Lisann patiently waiting for us, even though we were five minutes late.
Justin
Once Josh and Jack left, Lance and I picked at our food, not really speaking. I don't know what he was thinking about, but I was thinking about the shower. I had to wash, to keep myself clean, but I was afraid that it would hurt. It had hurt so badly last night, when the doctor was checking me out, and the nurse was cleaning me, that I had wanted to scream. The only thing that kept me from breaking down again was Josh being there, and holding my hand, telling me everything would be ok. The doctor was very kind, and gentle, but it still felt like being violated all over again, and I shuddered thinking about it. I hadn't needed any stitches, but I was supposed to keep clean until everything was healed, and put this cream on. It was supposed to fight infection, and help me heal. The place on my shoulder, where Nick bit me, hurt a lot, too, but I hadn't shown that to the doctors. I was ashamed of that more than anything else, of the fact that Nick had marked me, like I was his.
More than the physical pain, though, the feeling of everything being sore, I felt stupid, too. When Jack had first disappeared, I had convinced myself that Josh was falling for me, because that's how I felt. Every time I looked at him, I thought he was looking at me the same way, but he hadn't been. He'd been looking at me like a close friend, but I had made the mistake of seeing more, because I wanted to. Now I'd made that mistake again. I had allowed myself to believe that Nick was my friend, that he had some sort of feelings for me, even though I knew he didn't care about anyone. I had made the mistake of thinking that, because I'd never hurt Nick, he would never hurt me, and that deep down he really did have feelings after all, because I did.
I was wrong about Nick, but he was right about me. I was trash. All I could do was hurt other people, even when I wanted to help them. I was a whore. All I was good for was sex, and Nick had reminded me of that in the most painful way possible before he walked away, leaving me sobbing and bleeding on the floor. I had curled myself up, trying to make the pain go away, trying to forget the feeling of his fingers digging into my wrists as he held me, trying to forget how helpless I was. He packed up his bag, stepping over me as if I wasn't there, and then just walked out the door without saying a word, or even looking back. I didn't want him to. I didn't want to see his icy blue eyes, so cold, so empty.
"It's ok," Lance said, his hand flicking across my cheek with a tissue, startling me. I hadn't noticed that my eyes were wet.
"Why do you want me here?" I asked him, suddenly confused.
"Because I care about you," Lance said, shrugging. "I don't want you to be alone right now."
"But why?" I asked. "I mean, of all people, why you, Lance? Why do you still care about me at all? All I've ever done is hurt you."
Lance sighed.
"Justin, you did hurt me, and then, last night, you hurt me again," he said. I expected him to look away, but instead he tilted my head up gently with his fingers, making sure I was staring into his pale green eyes. "Last night, you hurt me to help me. You tried not to, but I wouldn't help myself. I know that you tried to think of another way, a better way, and when I think about it, I can tell that even when you took me to your cottage that you didn't want to do it, that you didn't want to hurt me again. And it wasn't just you who hurt me. Nick didn't force Howie. He might have tricked him, might have seduced him, but Howie was willing. I think, last night, even though you knew it would hurt me, you really thought it was for the right reasons, and you really wanted to make sure that I, well, that I was hurt the least amount possible. You took me right to the others, because you knew they'd be able to help, and then you left when you thought you weren't wanted, because you didn't want to upset me more by staying."
"But I still hurt you," I said, shaking my head.
"Because it was all you could do," Lance said. "Even though you knew it might destroy our friendship, you did it anyway, because it was what you thought was the best way to help me. I don't like what you did, Justin, but I understand why you did it."
I took another bite of my bagel, chewing thoughtfully as I turned this over in my mind.
"That doesn't answer your whole question, though," Lance said. "The other reason I offered to let you stay here is because of the other time you hurt me."
I couldn't swallow, suddenly.
"I know that you're sorry about that, and that you wish you hadn't done it," Lance said, patting my hand to reassure me. "I remember, though, how I felt when it was over. I remember how everything reminded me of it, and how it was all I could think about sometimes. I remember how I couldn't let anyone touch me, how I didn't even want anyone to see me, and how I felt dirty, all the time. I remember feeling used, and I remember feeling like trash, worthless, like something nobody cared about. I remember thinking that I was nothing, and that it was my fault. I remember thinking, too, that no one else knew how I felt, that I had no one to talk to because no one else would understand. Is that how you feel, Justin?"
I nodded, my eyes wet again, unable to find my voice.
"I don't want you to feel that way alone, Justin," Lance said, taking my hand. "I know that JC cares about you, and Jack, and the others, too, but so do I, and I want to help you if I can. I want to be here for you because I think, well, in a lot of ways I think I'm the only one of us who can. Maybe what happened to me isn't exactly what happened to you, but maybe it's close enough, and if you need me, I don't want to leave you alone if I can help."
"Lance, I don't, I don't know what to say," I squeaked, holding his hand tightly. "I mean, I want to say thank you, but I can't believe that you, that you still want to help me, after everything I've done to you."
"Justin, I know you still feel guilty about what you did to me," Lance said. "That's why you can't believe it. But Justin, I forgive you. I did a while ago. You just need to forgive yourself."
Lance and I leaned awkwardly across the table, hugging each other and patting each other's shoulders, and then went back to breakfast. When we finished, Lance put some of the leftovers in his refrigerator, and we stacked the dishes up on the tray. We both glanced up at the clock, realizing that neither of us had showered yet. I didn't even have any clothes over here, except for the ones I'd worn last night, and I didn't want to see those again. Lance had given me some of his last night to change into, and I was wearing his pajamas now, but I needed my own stuff. I shivered, not wanting to go back to my cottage.
"When do you think Jack and JC will be back?" Lance asked.
"I don't know," I answered, shrugging. "I can't believe we had to practically push them out the door."
"I know," Lance agreed, smiling. "After the two of them were so gung ho, and everything was like wedding-wedding-wedding, but it's like now they aren't even thinking about it at all."
"Well, they're worried about us, and that's probably more important," I said. I glanced up at Lance, and the idea seemed to hit both of us at once. "You don't think they."
"If they thought it was for the best," Lance said, eyes wide. "Shit!"
"Call Chris and Joey!" I said, even though I didn't want to talk to either of them. I walked toward the bedroom, wanting to run, but that would hurt. "Can I borrow some more clothes?"
"Yeah, yeah," Lance said, rushing for the phone. "We have to stop them."
Jack
Josh and I didn't even argue about the food, which surprised Lisann to no end. She didn't show it, in the same way that she never showed anything, but her eyebrows were raised as I effortlessly agreed with Josh that caviar really was an acceptable appetizer, and that we might as well keep the bar open for the entire reception instead of just for a cocktail hour. Lisann was writing it all down as Josh and I sat, picking over trays that the waiters kept bringing, but I could tell that any second she would ask us about money, since neither one of us had bickered about it.
"This is good," I said, gesturing with my fork. "What is it?"
"I think it has lobster in it," Josh said, shrugging. "You like it?"
"Yeah," I said, shrugging my shoulders.
"Me too," Josh said. "This is ok, Lisann. We want this one."
"Selection number seven is approved," Lisann said, writing it down. "We just need one more main course selection, and then dessert. You said before that you wanted five dessert choices, in addition to cake, so the kitchens have sent twenty for you to choose from."
"Can't we just offer a selection?" I sighed, resting my forehead on Josh's shoulder.
"They could bring a tray to everyone's table," Josh said, his arm around my shoulders, holding me. "People could just pick out what they want."
"I suggested that three weeks ago, and you both said you didn't want anyone to be unhappy if someone else enjoyed a specific dessert they wanted, which wasn't on the tray," Lisann said, folding her hands over her clipboard. She leveled her gaze at both of us. "I can't help but notice that enthusiasm seems a little down. Is there something you two need to share with your wedding planner?"
"Lisann, how bad would it be if we, you know, paid everyone off?" I asked. I couldn't believe the suggestion to throw money at everything was even coming out of my mouth, but Josh was nodding.
"You don't want to get married?" she asked, swallowing. We'd finally cracked her composure. I half expected her brain to slide out onto the floor.
"No, we still want to get married," Josh said, shaking his head. "It's just that this, all of this stuff, doesn't seem important anymore. I know that we're under contract, so could we maybe pay for everything, but just, you know, skip all of this?"
"The tuxedos, the flowers, the camera crew and the microphones, the whole reception," I said, elaborating on what we wanted to skip.
"What about your guests?" Lisann asked, sounding almost panicked. Her perfect grammar was vanishing, too. "You have all those people flying in. What are we going to do with them?"
"We could still pay for their rooms, like we were planning to," Josh said, shrugging.
"And they'd just all get a nice vacation," I added.
"Lisann, we know you've worked really hard on this with us," Josh began. "But this, it doesn't feel the same to us, anymore."
"What we're asking is, you know, can you help us, unplan the wedding?" I finished. "Can you make it so that we can call off the whole production, but nobody gets mad?"
"Is this cold feet of some kind?" Lisann asked. "Because I have a speech for that, too."
"Don't listen to either of them," Chris said loudly from the doorway. Our heads snapped around as we saw Chris, Joey, Vlada, Justin, and Lance come walking in together. They surrounded Josh and I, standing behind our chairs.
"Don't let them cancel anything," Justin said, his hand on Josh's shoulder.
"If they won't pay for it, we will," Lance said.
"Ve vant ze flowers, ze balloons, and all ze rest," Vlada said, holding Chris's arm.
"What are you guys doing?" Josh asked, looking around at them all, squeezing my hand.
"I had the same question," Lisann added.
"Lisann, what's going on here is that JC and Jack are feeling selfless," Joey said. "They're worried about the rest of us, and about the group, and about our friendships, and they're trying to put what they want on the back burner, because they want to take care of the rest of us."
"You guys, you don't have to do this," I began.
"We want to," Joey said. "You guys try so hard to make us all happy."
"And we want you to be happy," Lance added, nodding.
"But, you guys," Josh began, his eyes watering.
"Josh, we appreciate everything you guys do for us," Justin said, taking Josh's other hand. "We don't want you to think we're rejecting your help, or that it doesn't mean anything to us, because it does. It means more than you know, sometimes."
"And this is how we want to show you," Lance said, kneeling down at my side. They had Josh and I trapped between them, and the others were all hovering. "This is the most important day of your lives, at least, so far, and we want it to be perfect. Just this once, please, be selfish."
Josh and I looked at each other, our fingers locked, and I knew he felt what I did. I felt gratitude surge up into my chest, and looking around at the guys, I felt love, and strength, and support. I felt family.
"We won't take no for an answer," Chris said, as Vlada shook her head next to him.
"OK," Josh said, turning to kiss me. I leaned over, feeling his lips press against mine, and then we smiled at everyone.
"Lisann, the wedding is back on," I said, crushing Josh against me as the others burst into applause.
"Excellent," she smiled, picking up her clipboard again. "Let's finish selecting the main course, now, and then move on to dessert."
"We can help with that!" Chris blurted, grabbing for a plate.
Suddenly they were all at the table, trying things, passing the plates to each other, all shouting things to Lisann at once as she frantically tried to take notes. I looked at Josh in the middle of this chaos, watching our friends. Josh smiled at me, I smiled at him, and we knew everything, at least for now, would be ok.
Until Joey started a food fight in the ballroom.
To be concluded.