Obligatory warnings and disclaimers:
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If reading this is in any way illegal where you are or at your age, or you don't want to read about male/male relationships, go away. You shouldn't be here.
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I don't know any of the celebrities in this story, and this story in no way is meant to imply anything about their sexualities, personalities, or anything else. This is a work of pure fiction.
Questions and commentary can be sent to "writerboy69@hotmail.com". I enjoy constructive criticism, praise, and rational discussion. I do not enjoy flames, and will not tolerate them.
Back to the story in progress.
Jack
I checked the bag a second time, making sure we had everything. Bottles of water, my book, Josh's book (he'd started reading while I was gone, which filled me with excitement, as reading the same things gave us yet another thing to talk about), Josh's journal, a deck of cards, a tiny magnetic travel chess board, and our two bottles of tanning lotion. Josh, naturally tan, was using a much lighter one than I was, but I tended to burn, and had to put it on thick and work my way down to the lower numbers as my tan progressed. Josh watched me checking the bag and handed me my sunglasses. We both had our towels around our necks.
"Jack, we're only going to be on the beach for like four or five hours," Josh said. "Are you sure there isn't anything you forgot to pack?"
"Yes," I answered, stuffing our keys, phones, and a box of raisins in there. "You know, I just get worried that we'll forget something."
"Yeah, and walking the ten minutes back to the bungalow might kill us," Josh said, grinning. He looked at me, wide-eyed, faking terror. "Oh my God, Jack, what if we want to play volleyball? Do you have a net in there?"
"The resort has one on the beach, jackass," I said, smacking his chest lightly. I handed him the bag. "Carry my bag, sweetie?"
"Just like in high school," Josh said, taking it from me, smiling. I leaned over and kissed him on the cheek as he hung the bag on his shoulder.
"Did I mention how sexy you look in that speedo?" I asked.
"Repeatedly," he answered, taking my hand. "Come on, we're almost late for breakfast."
We had done breakfast as a group all three of the days that we had been at the resort on our alleged vacation. The point of this had been for all of us to spend time together, to finally relax and see each other and just hang out without having to worry about anything. We were staying in bungalows, off on a little private path by ourselves, and we were booked to be here for almost a month. It was supposed to give the guys time off between appearances, before they went on tour again, and Josh and I time to get the wedding together with the help of Lisann, the wedding woman, or wedding coordinator, as she liked to call herself.
Josh and I glanced back at the table, still covered with my reception plans, as we stood at the door.
"Should we start writing last names in?" he asked. "Maybe just a little before she gets here?"
"It'll take hours," I said, shaking my head. "Why don't we just tell her we're sorry, and we can work on it together later?"
"Sure," he said, leading me out the front door as I closed it behind me.
We walked, holding hands, down the path from the bungalows to the main building, knowing we'd find everyone at the big table by the pool. I'll never understand why beach resorts have pools. Why would you need one, when the ocean's right there? As we walked, I noticed again how sexy Josh looked in his black speedo, and mentally compared his body to mine again. Once I would have given him a run for his money, although I was more fair, as opposed to his brownish tones, but muscle-wise we were a pretty even match before I'd been kidnapped. Now I was starting to fill in again, and thought that I looked pretty damn good, if the looks I got at the beach over the past few days were any indication. I wasn't as nice as I had been, but wasn't looking too shabby.
My improvement was due to my doctors, my nutritionist, and the physical trainer I'd been working with in the three weeks since I got out of the hospital, as well as to Karen and Roy Chasez's home cooking, which I had enjoyed after we left New York City. When Dr. Swan had finally cleared me after my two week hospital stay, Josh and I had flown immediately to New York, where I was booked on morning shows for every network, as well as for meetings with several different magazines. Josh had balked at this initially, but I had a clean bill of health, and wanted to get this over with.
"But Jack, why?" he asked, whispering because we were on the plane and he didn't want everyone in first class to hear all of our business. "I mean, you never had any use for reporters before, and I'd think that now, you know, you really wouldn't want to see any."
"Josh, part of the reason why this happened is because we were so secretive, and so protective about our lives," I said. "This happened because of hate, and because we let being who we are be treated like something dirty. I'm not going to hide anymore, Josh. We told people that it's ok to be gay, and that there's nothing wrong with us loving each other, but the whole reason why we got tangled up with Basil in the first place is that we acted like we were ashamed. We have a chance to make a difference now, Josh, to stand up for ourselves and for other people like us. I'm not going to waste it."
"Are you sure?" Josh asked, holding my hands in his. "Because this kind of isn't really like you."
"I know it's not," I agreed. I had told Josh a long time ago that I hated to be defined by being gay, and that I would probably never be a flag-waving activist. "Josh, I've had a lot of time to think about this, and about some other stuff, too. Remember after the awards show, when you had to help me be comfortable with dating you in public, because it made me a kind of celebrity by extension?"
"Yeah," he answered, blinking as we both remembered that difficult time.
"Well, like it or not, we're famous," I said, shrugging. "You were already, but the only reason I am is because I'm your boyfriend. Remember all that mail we got from all those people, telling us how much it meant to them that we were honest? All that mail we still get? Josh, we have a responsibility. If everyone wants to talk to me right now, and everyone wants to hear what happened to me, then I have a responsibility to be a voice for all those people who don't have one. I'm a victim of hate, Josh, and I have to tell people that what happened to me, and the reasons why it happened, is not ok."
I stopped because Josh was looking at me with tears standing in his blue eyes, staring at me with such warmth and kindness that it almost made me uncomfortable.
"What?" I asked. "Josh, if you don't want me to do this, just say so, and I won't."
"That's not what I was thinking at all," he said, swallowing. "I was just thinking of how proud of you I am, and how proud I am to love you, and have you love me. You're such an amazingly strong person, Jack. You almost died, almost lost everything, and you're trying to think of ways to use it to help other people."
"Well, it seems like the right thing to do," I said, shrugging again.
"And that's why I love you," he said, leaning over to kiss me. I kissed him back, and that was about all we did for the rest of the flight. We held each other, and kissed, and prayed that we would get to the hotel soon so that we could spend a couple hours having some naked time.
My television tour of New York was actually pretty successful, as far as we were concerned. Josh went on some of the shows with me, but on some he just stood off camera, offering support. It was important to both of us that I be seen as an independent person, because I was still struggling a little with my issue of always being "JC's Boyfriend" when people talked about us. We also used the time to mention our upcoming wedding, which set off a whole new flurry of buzz. It was kind of fun to be the story of the moment, again, and we were getting photographed wherever we went, but I was becoming a lot more comfortable with that, too.
While in New York, I also got my first taste of Joey's family. I had met his brother, Steve, before, but had never met any of the rest of them, and was completely unprepared for the overwhelming reception we got when Joey invited us to drop by and say hi. Walking in, Joey's mom swept Josh into one of those bear hugs that must have been a family trait, and when she finally let him go, she turned to me.
"Jack, this is my mom," Joey said, grinning behind her.
Before she or I could say anything, she grabbed me and wrapped her arms around me, too. I felt all the air go rushing out of my lungs as she squeezed me. Letting go, she immediately pulled me into the kitchen and pushed me into a chair.
"Look at you! So thin! Let me just get you a plate, baby," she said, reaching into the refrigerator. Before I could say anything trays and glass baking dishes started appearing from the refrigerator, the tops covered in foil. "Let's see. I have some ziti, a little salad, but you don't need that, you need meat, oh and here's the sausage, and a little lasagna left from the other night, and there's a little of that cheesecake left from Sunday, and Joey just got me some canolli from the bakery. They're not as good as mine, but I didn't know you guys were coming by, so I didn't really have time to make anything. Oh, there's some parm left, too, eggplant, chicken, and veal. We'll give you some of each. Joey, get him some of the angel hair off the stove, there, while I put this together, and JC, you have a plate, too. You don't eat right, and if your mother knew you were here and I didn't give you something to eat, well, I wouldn't want to hear what she'd think about me."
As I stared helplessly a plate of pasta, covered in steaming sauce, appeared before me. Joey handed me a fork, and he and Josh grinned as my eyes darted around the kitchen, watching Joey's mom pile food onto a plate and put it into the oven to warm. If she hadn't known we were coming, why was there buffet food for forty ready and waiting in the refrigerator? Josh would explain later, as I held my belly, feeling as if I'd swallowed a bowling ball, that Joey's mom always had food ready like this, in case people dropped by. And, sure enough, people did. Within the space of about twenty minutes, a steady stream of neighbors, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, and people who might have been total strangers was marching through Joey's mom's, filling every room with laughter and chatter. Everyone was happy to see Joey, JC, and whoever else they ran into, and people kept slapping me on the back while I stayed at the table, commanded by Joey's mom not to get up.
"You just stay right there and eat," she said, watching to make sure it was warm enough. I grinned around a mouthful of veal, praying my animal rights crusader friends would never know I had eaten some. "That's good, huh? Yeah, you just stay right there and eat, baby, I'll get the meat back onto your bones. Joey, don't you feed him?"
"Ma, remember what happened," Joey began, eating hot peppers out of a jar with a fork.
"Oh, that's right!" she said, turning back to me. She didn't sit down, which I found odd. Instead she just kept fluttering around the kitchen, handing us plates and pulling still more food out of the refrigerator. "That sick bastard! You'll be ok now, Jack, you wait and see. I told Joey I prayed a rosary for you every day at church when we heard what happened, you can ask Steve. Here, have some bread. Now let me get you something to drink. Let me see, I have pop, and some of that beer Joey likes, and a couple bottles of wine, and there's juice, and water, too, or some milk if you want that. What do you want to drink, Jack?"
"Whatever," I shrugged, still dazed.
"No wine," Josh said quickly. "Not until you're off your medicine, the doctor said."
That was my heart medication. Everyone seemed pretty sure that I was ok, and I hadn't had any more episodes, but just in case I was supposed to take these pills, and I was under strict orders not to mix them with alcohol or caffeine, which was more or less killing me. I wanted coffee so badly I could smell the beans when I closed my eyes. Luckily I was allowed to exert myself, within limits, so I was doing light exercise, and having lots of sex.
"Doctors, what do they know?" Joey's mother asked, and launched into a discussion of rising costs of health care and how awful it was for old Mrs. Someone down the street to get her prescriptions on her medicare. Through it all the crowd in the house just continued to grow, some of them showing up with food or flowers, and Joey's mom continued setting plates of food in front of me, and glasses of orange juice, telling me it was good for me and just what I needed.
"Josh, is it someone's birthday or something?" I whispered, leaning over.
"No, it's always like this here," he answered, pushing a small plate away from him without eating any of it after looking around to make sure no one was watching. "You ok?"
"Yeah, I'm fine," I answered. "It's just, you know."
"Yeah, I know," Josh answered, squeezing my hand.
I wasn't good with family stuff. In my house, everyone had always been kind of detached, and we didn't do stuff like this, with the hugging and the back slapping and the old people pinching your cheeks. Growing up, I had known my family was a little icier than the ones I had seen on television, but most of my friends' families were the same way. It wasn't until I'd gotten out into the world and wandered around on my own a little that I realized there really were people like the ones on family shows, and that my own family, and those of my peers at the country club of my youth, was just a little off. Still, it left me kind of at a loss in some situations, like it had when I met Josh's family the first time. I was doing a lot better with them, but every once in a while I just found myself in a family setting and felt like everyone else knew what to do but hadn't shared any of the directions with me.
Eventually there was a lull in the kitchen when someone distracted Joey's mom, and I slipped away before she could continue fattening me like something from "Hansel and Gretel". I realized Joey hadn't taken us on a tour, and I didn't want it to look like I was snooping around anyone's bedroom or anything, so I found a bathroom furthest from the noise and locked myself in. Opening the window, I sat on the edge of the tub and just inhaled and exhaled slowly, trying to collect myself. I just needed a minute to breathe without trying to do it around a mouthful of food as someone slapped my back. Not for the first time, I regretted that I no longer smoked, even though it was what had gotten me into so much trouble in the first place. Sometimes you just really wanted a cigarette. I was startled by a knock at the door.
"Occupied!" I called, praying whatever tiny toddler or incontinent grandmother could make it to the other bathroom that I was sure must exist in this place somewhere.
"Jack, it's Joey," he said quietly, as if trying not to attract attention. "Unless you're going to the bathroom in there, open up."
"Shit," I hissed. I opened the door and saw Joey looking at me, his eyes wide but his face quizzical. He raised an eyebrow as I opened the door. "Busted."
"Can I come in?" Joey asked, his mouth twisting into a little half smile. "You're not smoking in here, are you? Because my mom will smell it."
"No," I said, pulling him inside as I checked the hallway. I closed the door behind him, and Joey looked at me again with that same little grin.
"Jack, what are you doing in here?" he asked. "Are you ok? Did somebody say something?"
"No, no, I'm fine," I said, leading him over to the tub. We sat on the edge again. "I just needed some air."
"Are you sure?" Joey asked. "I noticed you were gone, and I think JC was looking for you, but he got sidetracked by my great aunt."
"That's Josh," I said, smiling. Old ladies loved him, with all those manners and that charm. He was every mother's dream son in law, except for, you know, the gay part. "And nobody said anything, Joey. Your family, they're, you know, they're great, and I think this is the most I've had to eat at one time in my whole life. I'm glad you invited us over."
"But?" Joey said, waiting.
I sighed.
"It's just, you know," I said, unsure of how to explain. Joey was so close to his family, and they'd taken me in with open arms, just like Josh's, and I didn't want to hurt his feelings or seem ungrateful.
"You don't have to say it," Joey said, putting his hand on my shoulder. "Josh told me that you're not good with family stuff sometimes."
"It's not that I'm not good at it," I said, shrugging. "I just, you know, I don't know what to do. I'm not used to this. You guys all have your hugs and stuff, and everybody loves each other, but that's just not how I grew up."
"Your family didn't love you?" Joey asked, cocking his head to one side.
"No, they did, I'm sure they did," I said. "It was just, you know, it wasn't like this. My family was nice, but we never did stuff like this. We came down for dinner at the same time every night, and that was like the only time we ever saw my dad. My mom always put this music on, you know, very 'American Beauty', and we had to talk about our day."
"Jack, where did you grow up?" Joey asked. I'd talked to all the guys about my background at some point or another, but my stories always kind of started at college. None of them knew much about my childhood, other than Josh, and he and I didn't talk about it a lot, because he knew I didn't like to dwell on it.
"At the country club, where everyone else did," I answered, grinning. "You know, on the putting green, and the tennis court, going to Sunday brunch after church and spending the summers working at the clubhouse and going to coming out parties."
"Coming out parties?" Joey asked, grinning.
"Not the kind you're thinking of," I said, grinning as well. "It was all very formal and Republican, and I couldn't wait to get out. Did I ever tell you guys I didn't go to public school?"
"No," Joey answered, interested.
"I went to a private academy," I said, shaking my head. "Uniforms, ties, you know."
"But you're not like that now," Joey said. "You're normal."
My head snapped around, and he raised his hands.
"I mean, you know, you're down to earth and stuff," Joey clarified quickly, as I smiled to let him know it was ok.
"Yeah, I guess none of it took," I said, shrugging. "It's just as well. If I hadn't walked away, hadn't bucked my parents, I probably never would have met Josh. I'd probably be married to someone named Buffy or Missy or something, sneaking out to pick up hustlers downtown or fucking the pool boy."
"Aren't you the cynical one suddenly," Joey pointed out, smiling again.
"Trust me, Joey, it's not suddenly," I said, shaking my head. "I don't want to go back to that kind of world, Joey. I left it for a reason, and I'm happy where I am now. Maybe I'm a little adrift at the moment, you know, jobless and living off of Josh."
"You know that's not how he sees it," Joey said, squeezing my hand.
"I know," I said, squeezing it back. "And I know that Josh doesn't even think about it, because he loves me, but what I was trying to say is that even if I feel a little bit without purpose right now, for lack of better words, I'm still happy, Joey. I'm happier here, and I was even happier back at my old job before I met Josh, than I ever would be in the world I grew up in."
We both sighed, and Joey threw an arm around my shoulders, pressing me against him.
"We're happy to have you here," Joey said. "JC loves you, and so do we, Jack. It's good to have you back."
"Thanks," I said, wondering why I had so many touching moments with the guys in bathrooms. "It's nice to be back."
I thought we were done, and I could hear Joey's mom calling to Josh to come get dessert, and tell me that it was out, too. I started to stand, but Joey caught my sleeve.
"Jack, I know you're really good at covering, and that you've been dealing with all of this a really long time, so you're probably ok with it," he began, looking genuinely confused. "But how can your family just not like you? How do you deal with that?"
I realized that Joey, with his huge, extended family, would have even more trouble with this than Josh did.
"You just get used to it, Joey," I said. "You stop letting it bother you. And it's not that they don't like me. They don't really like anyone, not like you guys do. If they do, they just don't show it."
"But doesn't it hurt you?" Joey asked. "I mean, didn't it hurt you that they didn't come to the hospital?"
I swallowed.
"Actually, Joey, that did kind of hurt," I admitted, trying to ignore the lump that rose up in my throat.
My family hadn't come to see me the entire time that I had been in the hospital, not once. Josh called, and offered to fly them out, as if money might be a problem for them, and my mother had informed him, rather coldly, that they had plans for the next few weeks, and hadn't I gotten the flowers that they sent? Josh had been so upset as he explained it to me that he started crying, and I spent quite a while comforting him, and calming him down. Helping him kept me from feeling it too deeply, but it hurt when I thought about it later. Carla came, staying for several days. Josh's family came, also staying for a while, and Karen, his mom, stayed even longer after the rest of them flew back, but my family didn't come. Well, not my birth family, anyway. The guys were my real family now.
"Joey, you get used to it after a while," I said, trying to play it off. It hurt, but it wasn't a new hurt. "After a while, you stop expecting anything, you stop wondering why they do it. You just accept it, and you put them as far from you as you can."
"Geez, Jack," he sighed, his face, usually so blankly neutral, concerned and sad. He reached out and touched my cheek, and I realized that a tear had leaked traitorously from my eye.
"I'm ok, Joey," I said, hugging him and standing before we could get too maudlin. "Besides, my real family is right here, with you guys. Now let's go have some dessert before your mom sends a search party."
"Too late," Josh said from the hallway as I opened the door. "I was looking for you guys. Joey has a special guest."
"Daddy!" we heard squealed, as patent leather shoes came slapping down the hallway.
Josh and I stepped out of the way as Joey swooped down to pick Brianna up.
"Hey pumpkin!" he said, grinning and kissing her on the nose. "Is your mommy with you?"
Brianna pointed toward the kitchen, and Joey began to walk quickly back down the hall. Josh turned to me, and I grabbed him, hugging him tightly and planting a big, wet Josh- style kiss on his mouth.
"What was that for?" he asked, grinning.
"Because I love you," I answered.
"You taste like garlic bread," he said, giggling.
"Way to ruin the moment," I said, grinning. We walked slowly back down the hall.
"You ok?" Josh whispered as we rejoined Joey and family in the kitchen. Josh leaned back against a cabinet, his arms around me, and I leaned against him as we watched Brianna roll her big blue eyes at everything, and Joey steal her nose.
"I'm fine," I said. "But thanks for checking."
"Who's that?" Joey asked, pointing at Josh.
"Unca Jaycee," Brianna answered, shaking her blond ponytails. She was a cute kid, no question, and she already had this entire family wrapped around her finger.
"And who's that?" Joey asked, pointing at me.
"Unca Jackie," she answered, and I held my groan in. That's all I needed was to have the guys start calling me Jackie. On the other hand, Bri knew who I was.
"That's right!" Joey said, grinning.
He tickled her, and she squealed and laughed. Everyone else in the kitchen laughed, too, and I wondered if there might be some sort of maternal estrogen overload or something. Joey's mom started handing out food again, producing cookies and that cheesecake, offering ice cream and brewing another pot of coffee. Joey continue playing with Bri, bouncing her on his knee as she giggled and clapped her hands, and I caught Josh watching them, smiling, with this wistful look in his eyes.
"She's a cute kid," I said, holding my dessert plate and wondering why I was eating still more food when I already felt full to bursting. It was just so good, and everyone else was eating, so I felt like I should be, too.
"Yeah," Josh sighed, whipped cream on his lip. I flicked it off with my finger and he caught my hand and sucked my finger quickly into his mouth. "What do you think of, you know, us having one of those someday?"
"A kid?" I asked, blinking. Josh nodded. "Well, I don't know, Josh. I mean, I'm not ready to be a parent. Maybe someday, but not now."
"No, not now," he agreed, shaking his head. We watched Brianna take a big handful of chocolate ice cream and smear it across her dress, grinding it into the fabric, completely ruining her outfit without a second thought, and when I looked at Josh he had the same expression of wide-eyed, aghast horror that I could feel on my face.
"Maybe we should get a puppy first," I suggested, thinking of our couches.
"Yeah, that's a good idea," Josh agreed, nodding his head, probably picturing his closet.
We visited Joey's family almost every day of our stay in New York, sometimes just dropping by for a second to bring his mom some flowers or something, and a couple times staying for dinner. The night before we left Josh and I took them all out to eat, renting out an entire room so that they could be loud and boisterous, and they seemed to appreciate it. When dinner was finally over, there was a lot of hugging as everyone bid us a tearful goodbye and commanded us to come see them whenever we were in the city, telling us the door was always open.
"What are you thinking about?" Josh asked me, as we rounded the corner of the walkway, spotting the guys at the far end of the pool.
"That puppy we talked about," I answered, scanning the big breakfast table.
Joey and Vlada were sitting next to each other, watching anxiously as Chris stood between Lance and Howie on one side and Nick on the other. Chris's arms were raised, and he looked pissed. Justin, seated on the other side of the table, was watching almost disinterestedly, and Lance had his arm on Howie's sleeve, trying to pull him back to his seat.
"Shit," Josh sighed, walking a little faster.
"Not again," I added.
Why couldn't Howie and Nick just get along?
To be continued.