Obligatory warnings and disclaimers:
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If reading this is in any way illegal where you are or at your age, or you don't want to read about male/male relationships, go away. You shouldn't be here.
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I don't know any of the celebrities in this story, and this story in no way is meant to imply anything about their sexualities, personalities, or anything else. This is a work of pure fiction.
Questions and commentary can be sent to "writerboy69@hotmail.com". I've enjoyed hearing from all of you.
This season would not have happened if not for a discussion I had with Clive, who is generous enough to cohost this story on his site. Stop and tell him hello at www.authorclive.co.uk.
Back to the story in progress.
Jack
"Josh, I love you," I said, taking his hand. "Tell me a story."
Josh smiled at me, but it was a sad smile.
"Jack, I love you, too," Josh said, holding my hand. "I've loved you every day since I met you, and when I thought you left, it crushed me. I couldn't see anything, couldn't think. All I could do was wonder why you left, why you weren't here anymore. I didn't understand, and I didn't have anyone else to turn to. Jack, when you were gone, all the music went out of me, all the life. I couldn't see anything, and I didn't want to. All I wanted to know was why."
"Josh, it doesn't matter now," I said, wondering how many times he and I would replay scenes like this for the rest of our lives. If it wasn't me leaving, it was him, and even though we always came back, there had to be a limit, had to be a time when we wouldn't do this anymore. Even if we forgave each other, even if we always had our love to see us through, this couldn't be healthy, couldn't be a good thing. We loved each other, but love shouldn't do this to us. Maybe my feeling, so long ago laid to rest, that I was bad for Josh was right after all.
"It does matter, Jack," Josh said, shaking his head. "Your love means the whole world to me, and sometimes it's all I can see. I know now that it was a trick, that it was all shit that Basil pulled, but then, I thought it was real. I thought you stopped loving me, and I didn't know how to go on. I started to just shut down. I was worried about you, but I thought you stopped loving me. I didn't know why, couldn't imagine what I'd done, but I thought you didn't care anymore, and I didn't know what to do, didn't have anyone if I didn't have you. And then Justin started to take care of me."
I waited, already not wanting to know where this was going. Josh had loved Justin for so long, and it had been hard for him to let that go, finally. I hadn't had a problem with them staying friends, because they had always been best friends long before I came onto the scene, and I didn't want to get in the way of that. I also knew that Josh loved me, that it was me he wanted to be with, and not Justin. Or, at least, that it was me while I was here. Justin had changed so much, but when Josh was hurt, he always needed human comfort, always needed to have someone close, right there with him. If he reached out for Justin, and they both thought that I had left, would Justin have reached back? And could I fault them for it, if they both thought I was gone? It wouldn't have technically been cheating, but that didn't make it hurt any less.
I realized that I was getting way ahead of the story, that Josh hadn't really said anything yet, but suddenly I knew. I remembered Justin's face last night, and him telling me never to forget that Josh loved me. Something had happened, but what? I needed the details before I could know how I felt.
"Justin was taking care of me, and I needed someone to," Josh said, looking down. "You know how I am, Jack. I can be strong for you, when you need me, but I'm not like you. I'm not strong by myself. I, I'm not good at it. And Justin was taking care of me. I went to stay at his house, because all of your stuff was at mine, and I couldn't be around it, because all I could think about was you. Justin was the best friend to me that I could ask for, Jack. Every time I thought about you, I broke down, and every time I did, Justin was right there."
I waited. I knew what Josh would have done, but where was Justin in all of this? What was his story?
"And then Justin and Brit broke up, and Justin needed me, too," Josh said, still looking away. "We started taking care of each other, but I still loved you, Jack. I was there for Justin, and I held him when he needed just like he held me, but in my heart, there was still only you. Still, there was one night, when we were both drunk, and we'd both had a really bad day. I went into Justin's room to talk to him, just to talk, and I, um, I took advantage of Justin. He was just trying to help me, and I used him."
"What?" I asked, blinking at him. Josh looked up at me, and I saw that tears were starting to trickle down his cheeks. "Did you and Justin?"
"We did, Jack, and I'm sorry, but it isn't what you think, and it wasn't what Justin thought, either," Josh said, wiping at his eyes quickly. He looked at me, and I could tell he was in pain. I reached out, running my hand up the side of his face, and wiped at the tears under his eye. "I used Justin, Jack. He thought I was reaching out to him, but the whole time, I was pretending he was you. He put himself out there, opened himself up completely to me, and you know how hard that is for Justin. You know what it's like for him to trust anyone, to ever tell anyone how he feels about anyone, and he did it for me, and I took advantage of it."
"I don't understand," I said. "How did you know Justin would want that? How did you take advantage of him?"
If anyone had taken advantage of anything, I would have assumed it was Justin. If I had thought of Josh hurt, and vulnerable, I wouldn't have been all that surprised to see Justin take advantage of that. I know we'd forgiven him for Lance, and I knew he really was sorry for what he'd done, but Justin also always did what was best for Justin. My head was spinning to think of Josh acting that way. Josh was a hugger, a nurturer. Josh always had his feelings right out there on his sleeve, painted across his face. Josh would never take advantage of someone else, not my Josh.
"Jack, Justin is in love with me," Josh said quietly, and I felt the earth stop. "I didn't know it, but Justin has always been in love with me, and he never acted on it, because he was afraid, and he didn't know how I felt. Justin loved Britney, and I think he still does a little, but he loved me, too. He just never acted on it, because he didn't want to come between us, but then you were gone, and he and I were both alone, and we reached out for each other."
"Josh, are you and Justin together?" I asked. "Is that what you're trying to tell me? That you and Justin fell in love while I was gone?"
"Not exactly," Josh said, running his hands through his hair. He and I both stared at the rings on the table. "Justin is in love with me, but I'm in love with you. I told him that, I was honest with him, and we thought we could live with it. We've been friends, and we've still been there for each other, but not that way. We've never slept together after that one time, because I don't love Justin like that."
"Josh, how do you feel about him?" I asked. "Answer me that, honestly. Tell me what's in your heart, Josh, and don't worry about how it'll make me feel, or how it will make Justin feel. Don't worry about the way I am right now, or about feeling guilty for not coming to find me, because none of that matters. All I want to know is how you feel about Justin, and how you feel about me."
Josh took my hands, and when I looked into his eyes I saw the same Josh that I'd fallen in love with. I saw the same warmth, and caring, but there was something else there now. There was a little bit of regret.
"I love Justin like a brother," Josh said. "He's the closest friend I've ever had, and even more than that. I love Justin in a way that I can't articulate, a way that I don't have words for, but it's only a shadow of the way I love you, Jack. Maybe if you hadn't ever come back, I could have loved Justin more, I could have built a life with him, too, but I never would have stopped loving you. Every morning that you've been gone, I've woken up, and the first thing I've thought of is you. Every night, you're the last thing I think about before I fall asleep. I love you completely, Jack, with every part of me. Only you."
I could see that he meant it, and I felt my heart going out to him. Josh would never give up on me, as long as I never gave up on him either. I glanced down at the rings, and Josh followed my eyes.
"I didn't want to just put that back on, and just assume that things would go back to the way they were," Josh said. "I couldn't, not without telling you everything. I need to go get some air now, Jack, need to go clear my head, ok?"
"Josh, wait," I said. He wasn't even going to give me time to answer him, to say anything?
"Jack, you need to think, ok?" he said, wiping at his eyes again. "I've had a lot of time to think about this, and to know how I feel, but you haven't, and I don't want to put pressure on you. I'll come back, ok, and then we can talk then."
"If that's what you want, Josh, but I can give you my answer right now," I said. I knew already what to say. There wasn't any other answer I could give.
"No, you can't," Josh said, shaking his head as he stood in the doorway. "I love you, Jack. Only you."
He was gone before I could say anything else. He might only love me, but I could see that he was torn, that he felt guilty. No matter what Josh said, I might never be able to convince him that he loved me enough, that whatever had happened while I was gone didn't matter. None of it mattered to me, really, not one thing that Josh had said. What he had done while I was gone wasn't his fault. Even though he thought I'd left him, he'd still done his best to be faithful to me, and that's all I could ask. Actually, that was more than I could ask. I didn't want him out wandering the halls. I wanted him back in here with me, damn it. I didn't need to wait, or think, or process. I needed to be with the man I loved. I was about to call Hank in, to ask for his phone since no one had given me a new one, when I heard tapping at the door.
Predictably enough, it was Justin, the third player in our sad little drama. I read somewhere that all drama comes down to three players. I'd always thought it was two, or sometimes even one, but maybe whoever had written that was right after all. Here was the third side of our triangle, waiting for his chance to step out onto the stage. I'd heard from Josh, and I knew all of my lines, but what role was Justin here to play?
"Can I come in?" he asked, waiting at the door.
He looked the same way he had last night, tired, and dim somehow. It wasn't the way he had looked during the weeks when everyone was still mad at him, wasn't the empty, hollow Justin who had drifted so eerily among us then. Instead, it was a sad Justin, with pain in his eyes, and lines on his face. I gestured at the chair, nodding, and he walked in, looking around at the flowers, and then down at the rings.
"He told you, didn't he?" Justin asked, and I didn't need to ask what he meant.
"Yeah, he told me," I answered, waiting to see what he'd come to say. Maybe he could explain how this had happened.
"Jack, he loves you," Justin said. "He loves you more than anything in the world. I've known Josh for a long time, and he loves you more than he's ever loved anything. Did he tell you that?"
I nodded, waiting.
"Jack, he was crushed without you," Justin said. "I didn't know how to help him, but I did the best I could. He never stopped loving you, though, never."
I looked at Justin, reading the pain in his face, the hurt in his eyes, and I suddenly understood. Everything that Josh said was true, no matter how much I didn't want to believe it.
"Justin, you love him, don't you?" I asked, taking his hand. "You really are in love with Josh."
"Yeah, but he's in love with you," Justin said, squeezing my hand. "I don't know how Josh explained it to you, but I figured you'd want to hear it from me. Jack, Josh never let go. He never stopped loving you, like I said before. I realized that I loved him, and I tried to be there for him, but even when I was, he only wanted you. I might have taken your place physically, I might have been the one there when he needed a hug, or someone to hold his hand, but I never took your place in his heart, Jack."
"But you fell in love with him anyway," I said sadly, shaking my head.
Justin grinned ruefully.
"I did," he answered, sniffling. "He even told me that he couldn't love me back, that he only loved you, but I didn't want to believe it. I fell in love with him anyway, and I kept hoping that he'd love me back, even though he told me all along that you were the only man he could think of. I gave him my heart. I've given more to Josh than I've ever given anyone. I trust him, and I love him more completely than I've ever been able to, than I've ever let myself love somebody, and he doesn't love me back. How's that for irony, huh? Me, the guy who doesn't feel anything, who only cares about himself, and who do I finally fall in love with? Someone who can't love me."
"He does love you, Justin," I said. "It's not the way you want, but he loves you."
"I know, but it's not the way he loves you," Justin said.
"Justin, I wish this hadn't happened," I said, looking down. We were still holding hands. "I know how empty that sounds."
"I know, but I know you mean it," Justin said, smiling at me. "I know you mean it, because that's the way you are. You're always the one watching out for all of us. You took care of Lance, even though he had only ever been mean to you. You even tried to take care of Peyton, God knows why. When everyone was mad at me, it was you who reached out first. I know you wouldn't ever let me get hurt if you could stop it, but this time I hurt myself. Maybe it wouldn't have happened if you were here all along, but it did, and now we just have to deal with it."
"Justin, what's going to happen?" I asked. "Maybe Josh and I can go back to the way we were, but what about you? Where is that going to leave you?"
"It doesn't matter where it leaves me," Justin said. "As long as Josh is happy, that'll be enough for me, and he'll be happy with you. You guys can pick it right up where you left off, because you still love each other, and everything will be ok."
"Justin," I began, but didn't even know what to say.
"I'm not going to fight you for him, Jack," Justin said. "I could be your enemy, but I'd rather still be your friend. I love Josh, but if I try to make him love me, it hurts everyone. If I let him go, if I love him enough to let him follow his own heart, no one gets hurt but me."
"I don't want you hurt, either, Justin," I said, feeling my eyes tear. When had he gotten so fucking noble? Why couldn't he just still be the same old confusing, lovable but fucked up Justin that I was used to?
"Yeah, but you've been hurt enough," he said, standing. "You and Josh love each other, but neither one of you is the sharing type, and we already tried that threesome thing. He loves you Jack, and you love him. Go be happy, and don't worry about me."
He leaned over and kissed my forehead, pulling his hand out of mine, and then he walked out of the room. I watched him go, and wanted to call after him, but he was right. Everything he said was true. Maybe it wasn't what any of us wanted, but forces beyond our control had moved us all, and now we just had to pick up the pieces and keep going.
"Hank?" I called, and he leaned in.
"You ok?" he asked, his eyes darting to the bank of machinery behind me.
"I'm fine," I answered, waving a hand. "Do you know where Josh is?"
"He said he would be back in an hour or so," Hank answered. "Do you want me to call him?"
I thought about it, and realized that Josh hadn't left because he thought I needed time. He would have known already what my answer would be, what my answer to anything he had to tell me would always be. He'd needed air to sort out his own feelings. If he needed that time, I'd give it to him. If he said he was coming back, he would.
Unless he got kidnapped.
"Hey, I caught that," Hank said, watching my face. "He's not by himself. So, do you want me to call him?"
"No, that's ok," I answered. "Are any of the guys around?"
"Chris and Justin just went down to the cafeteria, and the others aren't back yet," he answered, shaking his head. "Your doctor is coming soon, though, and then you have lunch."
"Great," I said, frowning. "Sorry, Hank, that wasn't about you. I was just wondering if I could look forward to more oatmeal, or maybe even some soup."
We both laughed, and then he let the door close. When Dr. Swan came, we argued some more about my care, but in the end I just had to trust him. I got him to agree that I could have more than one visitor at a time, ("I promise not to have a heart attack, ok?" "That's not funny."), but he wouldn't relent on taking the needle out of my arm. Realizing I couldn't win, I gave up, after also losing the argument over whether or not I could have coffee.
"You can have as much as you want," he said, smiling. "Decaf."
"I want real coffee!" I argued, but knew I wouldn't win. "It's bad enough looking at this list of food you won't let me eat, but can't I at least have something?"
"You can have whatever you want," he said, smiling again. "After you've recovered."
"The first thing I'm going to do is brew a pot of espresso, and drink the whole thing!" I called after him. I heard him and Hank both laughing in the hall. "I can hear you out there!"
"We know," Dr. Swan called. "I'll see you around dinner time."
After he left, I picked up my ring, turning it over in my fingers, and then slipped it on. It felt very loose, and I was afraid of losing it, so I buzzed the nurse, and asked her to bring me some medical tape. I wrapped it around the band, and it was now secure on my finger again, and once again I wouldn't be taking it off. I traced my thumb over the nick, and waited for Josh to return. I drifted to sleep at some point, for lack of anything better to do, barely aware of the nurse coming in for checks. You can get used to anything after enough time. When I woke up, for lunch, Josh was sitting by the bed.
"I hear you've been giving your doctor some lip," he said, grinning.
"Shut up and come here," I said. He leaned over, bending down, and I grabbed the front of his shirt, pulling him up against me. I ground my mouth to his, pushing my tongue in, feeling him jump with surprise, and when I pulled back his eyes were wide. "I'm not going to break, Josh. From now on, when you kiss me, I don't want these little I'm afraid to hurt you kisses you've been giving out, ok?"
"Um, ok," he said, grinning, wiping a little spit off of his mouth. "Are you ok, Jack?"
"Josh, how could you think I wouldn't be?" I asked, holding his ring out to him. He put it on, smiling at me, and I saw his eyes watering again. "Josh, every day I knew I'd come back to you. You didn't know that, though. I can't hold it against you. So you slept with Justin, one time. It's not like we haven't done that before, and I guess I'd rather it was Justin than some total stranger, because at least you have feelings for him. I love you, Josh."
"And I love you," he answered, kissing me again, a real kiss this time. "Jack, I know we're going to be ok, but what about Justin? I'm worried about him."
"I am, too," I said. "He came in while you were gone, and we talked about you, and how much we love you. Josh, he knows that he'd always be the second choice in your eyes, and he wants you to be happy."
"I know," he said, looking sad again. "But I want him to be happy, too."
"So do I, but I think we're going to have to take it at Justin's pace," I said. "We'll have to be here for him, if he wants us to be. I don't want him to feel shut out, and I don't want to be in the way of the friendship you two have rebuilt. We'll just have to take it slow, one day at a time."
"You're right," he said. "How should we start?"
"Well, I have one idea," I said, taking a deep breath. "I've been thinking a lot about the day you gave me this ring, and the discussion we had, and now I've been thinking that, um, maybe the best way to show Justin we're still friends is to, um, ask him to be your best man."
"Jack?" Josh asked softly, blinking at me. "I thought you didn't believe in, you know, that kind of stuff, for people like us."
"Maybe I was wrong," I said, shaking my head. "Joshua Scott Chasez, wanna get hitched?"
"Yes," he answered, without hesitating. "Yes."
"I hope I'm not interrupting," the nurse said from the door, breaking in on our kiss. "Lunch is here."
"Thanks," Josh said. She set the tray down, and he hugged her. "We're getting married!"
"Congratulations!" she said, grinning and shaking her head at him. His enthusiasm was overwhelming. "I'll be back later for the tray, ok?"
"Sure," Josh said, sitting back down. He grinned at me. "We're getting married."
"First we're having lunch," I said. While we were eating, I noticed a bag by Josh's feet. "What's that?"
"Oh, I forgot!" he chirped, reaching down for it. "I got you a present. Close your eyes."
I closed my eyes, and held out my hand. They popped back open when I felt him give me a phone.
"I figured you wouldn't want the old one back," he said, shrugging.
I felt my eyes watering. A cell phone was the very first present Josh had ever given me. In the course of our relationship, I was now on my third one, but he just kept buying them. I threw my arms around him.
"I love you, Josh," I whispered.
"I love you, too," he said. "Now finish up lunch. I have permission from your nurse to give you a sponge bath this afternoon."
"Who says being in the hospital is no fun?" I asked, grinning.
We went back to our lunch. Josh was practically dancing in his chair, and every once in a while he would just say, "We're getting married." I knew it was something he'd dreamed of, and he'd agreed when I said I wasn't in favor, but Justin wanted me to make Josh happy. This was the least I could do, especially for someone I loved so much. Josh and I were back together, and we would be ok.
Justin
"Are you sure you're going to be ok?" Chris asked, hugging me as I gathered up my magazine from the lounge.
We had a long talk over lunch, where I told him everything I'd said to Josh, and then to Jack this morning. I let him know how I felt, and how I truly did want them to be happy, and through it all Chris had just listened and nodded, waiting to ask me if I would be ok. On our way back upstairs I let him know that I was going to go out shopping, or back to the hotel, just to clear my head and get this all off of my mind now that I'd gotten everything off my chest.
"I think so," I said, shrugging.
"Justin, they don't want to hurt you," Chris said, nodding his head toward Jack's room. "You know that, right?"
"I do," I said, shrugging. "But right now it hurts a little just to be around them. Besides, they just got each other back. They don't need me in their space."
Chris gave me a quick hug.
"Don't push us away, Justin, ok?" he asked. "You're still my little brother."
"I know," I said. "And I won't. I'll call you later, ok?"
"OK," Chris said, watching me leave.
I snuck out a side door of the hospital, avoiding the smaller, but still present, crowd of press. Walking along, I found a bench, and sat down, just watching the city, taking in the sights. I pulled out my phone to call for a car and almost dropped it when it rang in my hand. Checking the caller ID, I didn't recognize the number, but figured it had to be someone I knew, or they wouldn't have this one.
"Hello?" I asked.
"Justin, how are you?" Nick asked. You could tell he was smiling, and he sounded a little out of breath.
"Nicky," I said, grinning. We hadn't hung out since that night I fucked him. "This is kind of a surprise."
"Yeah, I know," he answered. "See, I was watching MTV, and I caught this thing about Josh's boyfriend on the news, and then I saw that you'd all flown out to see him, and I thought, 'Oh no. If he's back, Justin will be all alone and heartbroken,' and I just can't have that. What kind of a friend would I be?"
"I never told you Josh was the guy I liked," I said, grinning.
"I may be blond, but I'm not a complete idiot," Nick said, laughing. I heard him let out a little sigh, and wondered what he was doing. "So, are you ok?"
"Honestly?" I answered. "I'm a little down, but I'm happy for them that they're back together."
"Yeah, but it leaves you out in the cold," Nick sighed. "You know what the best cure for heartbreak is?"
"What would that be?" I asked, knowing where this was going.
"Wallowing in sin," Nick answered, still grinning. I could hear how much he was enjoying this over the phone. "There's nothing like a little meaningless sex to take your mind off your troubles."
"Is that a fact, Nicky?" I asked, watching the cars go by.
"Sure is," he answered. "Why don't you come over, and I'll prove it to you?"
"Come over?" I asked, looking around. "Where are you?"
"Well, it just so happens that I was so worried about my poor friend Justin that I got right on a plane," Nick answered, letting out a little groan. "Right now I'm in a suite at the Hilton, stark naked, flat on my back, while Susan, my flight attendant, is riding me like a cowboy at the rodeo. Say hi, Susan."
"Hi," a female voice panted.
"Um, hi," I said, feeling myself getting hard, picturing Nicky and some girl, naked and ready for me.
"Susan says she's so worried about you, too, that if you come over, she'll do whatever she can to help you get over it," Nick purred, not bothering to control his panting any longer. "So will I, Justin. So, what do you say?"
I thought about it for a second. I could sit on a bench in the middle of the city and think about Josh, or I could go over to Nicky's hotel and have them both however I wanted. Maybe there was something to Nick's idea after all.
"Let me just get a cab," I said, standing.
"We'll be right here," Nick said, hanging up.
I'd think about Josh later, I decided. For now, there was nothing wrong at all with letting Nick take my mind off my troubles. Nothing wrong at all.
End Season 4.