Obligatory warnings and disclaimers:
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If reading this is in any way illegal where you are or at your age, or you don't want to read about male/male relationships, go away. You shouldn't be here.
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I don't know any of the celebrities in this story, and this story in no way is meant to imply anything about their sexualities, personalities, or anything else. This is a work of pure fiction.
Questions and commentary can be sent to "writerboy69@hotmail.com". I enjoy constructive criticism, praise, and rational discussion. I do not enjoy flames, and will not tolerate them.
That said, on with Season 7.
Lance
Lance stood in the elevator next to Chad, aware of how close they were standing, side by side, shoulders brushing a little. The faint smell of Chad's cologne, for once not a gallon bucket of it, drifted through the small space, light and fresh, a hint of the possible, if not necessarily the probable. Chad glanced at him, bright blue eyes sparkling in the elevator, cheeks rosy, and smiled as Lance smiled back at him. Chad's hair seemed to sparkle a little under the lights, too, and Lance noticed that his hair gel actually had little tiny flecks of glitter in it, golden twinkles to go with his golden streaked hair, highlights added that were so light they were almost white.
Lance had kind of wanted to say goodbye to Justin, at least for the night, to check on him and make sure that he was ok again. After every show Justin had a little bit of a slip, a small crying fit or crisis of confidence, and Lance wondered where Justin would go with it tonight. If he wouldn't have it here, with Lance, would he have it with Joey? Lance felt another surge of resentment bubble up inside him, another wave of disappointment that Justin could find it so easy to just let everything Joey had done go. Lance had tried all of his life to try to be that kind of forgiving, to not hold things against people, but he couldn't do it. Whenever he thought of Joey, he felt angry again, and he envied Justin being able to just get past it, like it was nothing. Maybe Justin was with Joey right now, talking to him, hugging him, telling him everything that scared him and everything he needed.
Chad waited in the hall while Lance got changed, his casual after concert clothes not really appropriate for a ride in the park. Not only might someone see him, something Lance was actually fervently hoping to avoid, since he was still in the closet as far as the press was concerned, but he also wanted to look nice if this really was an actual date. Chad was trying very hard, working on toning it down a little, and also on not treating Lance like a celebrity all the time, and the least Lance could do was meet him halfway, and try to make him feel like this was kind of special, even if that wasn't exactly what Lance felt. Maybe if he put on the right clothes, and dressed the part of interested dating suitor, it would help him act it.
Lance still didn't feel that way about Chad, although he thought he was covering it pretty well. He liked him as a friend, and he could recognize on an intellectual level that Chad was pretty cute, even if his personality could be somewhat grating at times. That was all there was, though, after the kisses and the other dates. Lance kept hoping that maybe something would come of this, maybe he could keep working on it, and those feelings could grow. It happened all the time. People fell in love, people found each other. Chad seemed to like him, and maybe, with enough hope, Lance could start to like Chad, too. Friendship was already there, and that could be a foundation to build on. As for why it was Chad, why Lance was so willing to keep trying with him, well, why not? He was a nice guy, he accepted Lance for who he was, and he was harmless. Chad would never, ever be able to hurt Lance, not like he'd been hurt before, and that was important to him.
Even if he didn't get to say goodbye to Justin, Lance wanted to let him know that he could stay in Lance's room tonight if he needed to, that the offer was still always open. He knew Justin couldn't be as strong as he was pretending to be, that he can't have had a good night over there by himself, but he didn't want to force the issue. As he'd thought all along, something must be wrong, but he didn't know what. He also didn't want to just call Justin, and leave him a message on his phone to let him know he could come over if he wanted to. It seemed too flippant, too much like not giving Justin's problems the weight they deserved, not extending him the kind of special consideration he needed to get better.
When they'd finally left the venue, Lance looked back at the bus, still trying to figure out what was wrong, what he could have done to push Justin away, and then Chad tapped him on the shoulder.
"Are you sure you want to go?" Chad asked, following Lance's eyes.
"Yeah, yeah, of course I do," Lance answered, forcing a smile. "I'm just thinking about other stuff. I'm sorry."
"Are you sure?" Chad asked. "If you're tired or something, we don't have to."
"No," Lance said quickly, squeezing Chad's hand, seeing how visibly it affected him. Chad shivered, smiling, all concern over whatever was bothering completely forgotten as he realized that Lance was holding his hand, and they were on a date. "I want to be here, with you, Chad."
It might have been to convince Chad, or he might have said it to convince himself. Lance wasn't really keeping track anymore.
The evening out with Chad was nice, the same way everything he did with Chad was nice. Not only was Chad nonthreatening, he was also pleasant, and eager to please. If you weren't talking, Chad talked for you. If you couldn't think of something fun to do, Chad would, blurting out suggestions until you finally settled on one. Chad wanted to make sure that you saw everything, that you enjoyed everything, and that at the end of the night you remembered that you'd done it with Chad. Lance couldn't imagine having a fight with Chad, or ever arguing with him about anything. If Lance didn't want to do something, or didn't think something was a good idea, Chad almost immediately deferred to him. The only time Chad hadn't spontaneously surrendered had been the day they went shopping, when he got Lance to buy that shirt.
Lance paused as he walked down the park paths with Chad, barely listening as Chad pointed out flowers and bushes and fountains, and stopped to read plaques next to trees. Lance was frequently half tuned out when he went anywhere with Chad, but he was pretty sure Chad didn't notice, since Chad was always excited enough for both of them. As he stopped for a second, Lance realized that everything had started, all of the current strain and trouble between him and Justin, the night he had worn that shirt. He had thought for the past couple of days that it had to do with Nick coming back, with running into him at the party, but the real issue had started when Lance had worn that clinging, kind of sexy shirt that Chad had dressed him in. No, actually, the issue had started when Justin had seen Lance wearing it, which was a completely different thing. Justin had seen Lance in the boxers he slept in, but that was a little more innocent than Lance deliberately wearing something sexy. Had he been the one who threw a wrench between them, when he decided to wear that shirt? Before he could follow up that thought Chad was tugging his sleeve and babbling excitedly about the carriage ride.
"Look, there it is!" Chad said, pulling Lance along. "That's our driver! I talked to her on the phone when I called this afternoon. Hi! Hi, it's me, Chad!"
"Right on time," the driver said, shrugging.
She escorted them to the carriage, talking her way easily through what Lance was sure was a preplanned spiel, which Chad followed with rapt attention, absorbing every word. Chad asked about the driver, the carriage, the city, and everything else that seemed to pop into his mind.
"Did you hear that, Lance?" Chad asked, grinning. "Our horse's name is Checkers! I love checkers!"
Lance smiled at Chad, hoping it didn't look patronizing, as he heard Chris, Jack, and Joey making sarcastic comments in his head.
As they rode around the park, the guide pointing out things like statues and bandstands, Lance couldn't help but think about another romantic evening he'd been on, a long time ago, so long ago that he felt like a different person had been there. When he had first met Howie, not their unofficial meeting, but the one after JC and Jack had come out, they had gone to the Santa Monica pier. They'd eaten seafood, and ridden the tiny coaster there. Howie had played games, and Lance had gotten their pictures done in a little photo booth they walked past. They'd ridden the Ferris wheel, and sometime, during that evening, Lance and Howie had fallen in love. It took a little longer for them to work it out, for them to be ok with it, but looking back Lance was certain that somewhere during that night, during that long date, maybe on the carousel or maybe over dinner, he and Howie had fallen hard for each other. He'd felt it while it happened, and he'd felt it afterward, feelings so strong and new and frightening that they almost tore him apart, and he didn't feel anything like that now. He liked Chad, but that was all he was ever going to feel for him.
The carriage glided to a stop, and Lance found Chad staring at him.
"You want to go back to the hotel?" Chad asked. "It's getting kind of late."
"Yeah, I probably should," Lance agreed. He was tired, but at least they didn't have to travel tomorrow. They had a second show here tomorrow night, so they didn't have to be up early unless they wanted to be.
The two of them didn't really speak as they rode back, Chad looking out the windows, and Lance trying to figure out why he didn't feel anything for Chad. Was it just that Chad wasn't the right one for him? Or was there something else? Why did he still have this nagging feeling that he was cheating on someone, when he didn't have anyone to cheat on? Chad kept talking, but Lance needed someone to talk to. He needed someone who understood him, someone he felt safe sharing things with, someone who wouldn't worry about him or his mental state. He needed Justin, who listened to him quietly and then asked if he needed anything. He needed Justin, who held his hand when he had a nightmare, and who, more often, was the one who needed holding. Justin would understand this. Justin would be able to help him work this out, if he could just bring himself to talk to Lance again, if one of them could reach out to the other and reopen whatever door had been closed between them.
So, there they were in the elevator, Chad throwing little glances at him, looking Lance up and down and then looking away, and Lance staring steadily at Chad, running his eyes over Chad's features and trying to figure out how he could think Chad was attractive but not be attracted to him. Lance knew that Chad was taking his looks for something else, for interest, but wasn't sure how to head it off. He didn't want to hurt his feelings, and before he could think of a way to work it out they were at his door, and Chad was leaning in a little, planting another one of those kisses on Lance. Lance didn't move, didn't try to stop him, figuring this would be another one of those fast kisses goodbye, but Chad lingered, pressing his mouth to Lance's, and Lance jumped as he felt the very tip of Chad's tongue graze over his bottom lip. He looked down into Chad's eyes, a fraction of an inch below his own, and saw something else there, something he was fully conscious of as Chad leaned into him, his chest touching Lance's, his knee between both of Lance's own. Chad's hand darted into Lance's pocket and removed his key card, and Lance seemed frozen to stop him as Chad reached behind him, not moving himself away from Lance, and then the door to Lance's room clicked open, and Lance stepped back, stumbling inside as Chad nudged the door closed behind him.
Jack
"I think you were too hard on Kevin," Josh said quietly, taking another sip of his water. Champagne would have been really romantic, but he'd just done a show, and sweated out about half his body weight. No way was I giving him something that would dehydrate him.
"You're thinking about that now?" I blurted, staring across the tub at him. "Why did I even bother taking all of my clothes off?"
Josh and I had ridden back from the concert holding hands and leaning on each other, as we usually did, watching Justin stare longingly out the bus window as we pulled away without Lance. I didn't see him or my conniving whore of a personal assistant outside anywhere, but knew that Justin was searching for them anyway, eager to masochistically punish himself with a glimpse of the two of them dating and having fun without him, doing what he wanted but wouldn't let himself have. Joey was right when he said that Justin kept punishing himself, kept trying to make amends for something Lance had forgiven himself for a long time ago. Deep down, Justin didn't think he deserved to be happy, and I wondered what the hell he was paying his therapist for if they couldn't sort that out.
"Justin, can we do anything?" I asked. "Is there anywhere you want to go, or anything you want to do? We could go see a movie, or, um, something."
"No, it's ok," Justin said, staring out the back window as we drove away. "I know you guys just want to help, but this, I don't think you can help with this. I don't think there's anything you guys can do."
"We could fire Chad," I suggested, and Josh smacked me in the arm.
"It's not really a good time to be funny," he said, frowning at me.
"I'm not really kidding," I said, shrugging.
"It doesn't matter," Justin said, his voice flat. "I shouldn't have said anything. I shouldn't have told you guys anything."
"It's better than holding it inside," Chris said, walking over to sit down next to him. He put a hand on Justin's back, and Justin sighed, leaning back a little. "Joey's right, though. You should tell Lance, Justin. The two of you, you both tell me that you never lie to each other, and you're not really being true to that if you don't tell him this, too."
"I'm not being true to it by falling in love with him, either," Justin whispered, pressing his forehead to the glass. He had his legs drawn up under himself, as if he was trying to fold himself into a ball. "We promised that we would take care of each other, and that we would be there for each other, and this isn't part of that. I didn't mean for this to happen. I didn't want to feel this way, not about Lance, and I can't."
"There's nothing wrong with the way you feel," Josh said.
"Yes there is," Justin said, his voice getting lower. "If I tell Lance, it's going to hurt him so much. He's not going to feel like he can talk to me anymore, and he's not going to feel right around me. He'll worry about what he's saying, and doing, and it'll just get more and more uncomfortable."
"Or he could realize he loves you, too," Joey said. "This could be the best thing that ever happened to both of you."
"Or the worst," Justin said, turning to us. His face was lined with pain. "Even if Lance does love me, I can't love him back, not completely. I can't, it bothers me to think about, about, you know, the rest of it."
Suddenly I saw the problem. Justin might love Lance, might be in love with him, but he still had his problem with sex. He couldn't even say the word, and I could see by looking at him that he was uncomfortable even thinking about it. Chris kept rubbing his back, but Justin shuddered, closing his eyes for a minute.
"That's not the most important thing in a relationship, Justin," Josh said softly, still holding my hand. "If you love each other, the rest of it will work out."
"I'm not a little kid, Josh," Justin said, not sharply but with resignation. "I know it's not the most important thing, but I can't ignore it, either. If Lance loved me, I'd be cheating him, because I wouldn't be able to love him the way he deserves, because of, you know, because of what happened to me. I can't, I can't keep Lance from having a full life. He deserves to be happy. He deserves someone better than me, someone who can love him the way he needs."
"Justin, if anyone knows how to get through that, it's Lance," Joey said quietly. "He'll understand the way you feel, and he'll help you get through it. Do you really think he wouldn't? Do you think he wouldn't understand, or he would rush you into something you weren't ready for? You know he never would, Justin."
A tear slid down Justin's cheek, and he turned back to the window, away from us, so that we wouldn't see it. Chris squeezed his shoulder, which shook a little.
"I'm so scared," Justin whispered, barely audible over the sound of the bus rolling down the streets. "I'm so scared of losing him."
"I don't think you're going to," I said. "I think Lance loves you, too, Justin. He's probably just afraid to say it, for the same reasons that you are. One of you has to be brave enough to go for it."
"I don't know if I can do that to him," Justin said. "I don't know if I can put him in that position."
"What you're doing to yourself is worse," Chris said. "I've seen you do this, Justin, we all have. I'm not going to watch it again."
"Justin, I knew you loved me," Josh said, and we all looked at him. "You told me, and when the time came, I chose Jack. You might think that Lance would be happy with Chad, but you're not letting him have the same choice. That's not fair to either of you."
"I can't just tell him," Justin said, shaking his head. "I can't do that. I have to do something, but I don't know what I'm gonna do."
We were all quiet, watching the hotel come closer, trying to figure out a way to help Justin and Lance. The two of them were perfect for each other, even after everything that had happened between them. I'd never seen two people who were so in tune, and who cared about each other so much, other than Josh and I. Chris spoke finally.
"I know what you're going to do," Chris said, smiling. We all looked at him, even Justin, waiting to see what pearls of wisdom would drop from our wise sage's lips. Chris was always the smart one, the one who quietly played our big brother. "Tonight, you're going to sleep in my room, and Joey's going to sleep over, too. We're going to steal Junior, and we're going to order nachos and pizza, and we're going to have a slumber party."
"We can't paint each other's toenails," Joey said, nodding.
"And prank call Jack and JC," Chris continued.
"And put our underwear in the freezer," Joey added.
"And stay up really late," Chris said.
"And watch bad movies on cable," Joey added.
"And give Joey a facial!" Chris finished, the two of them clapping their hands. Justin was smiling in spite of himself, and I just shook my head.
"You two need so much help," I said, snickering.
"I know whose cell phone is going to ring first," Chris said, sticking his tongue out at me.
Josh and I left the three of them to plan their evening together, happily depositing Junior in Justin's waiting hands and knowing that Justin would be ok with the two of them to lean on for the night. Between them, I was sure they'd think of something. If not, we could always just lock Lance and Justin in a room together until one of them blurted it out. Josh started to run the bath when we walked into the suite, dropping in some bubble bath, and as we peeled off our clothes I told him how my dinner with Kevin went. He knew I was going, and we'd talked about how much I should tell Kevin. Josh told me that he'd trust my judgment, and as I explained how it went, he nodded. After we got in the tub, though, he'd apparently thought about it some more.
"I'm sorry," Josh said, smiling at me from the other side of the tub. I made a mental note to thank the management for booking hotels with such enormous bathrooms. "If these bubbles weren't here, you could see exactly how aware I am of your wet, naked body. As it is, well, you can just imagine."
"Or I could go by feel," I said slyly, moving my foot over. I settled it onto his hard cock, and he tilted his head back, sighing, as I massaged him carefully with the sole of my foot. Josh held out a hand to me.
"Come here," he purred, and I slid across the tub, draping myself over him, feeling his tired, firm body pressing against mine, all that skin and muscle sliding easily against each other. Josh kissed me on the lips, smiling and holding me against him. "I love you, Jack, but you're not going to distract me with a footjob."
"Is that the appropriate technical term for that sexual act?" I asked, smirking. I settled against him as he ran his fingers lightly through my hair. "If you want to talk, we can save the rest for later."
"I just think you were too hard on Kevin," Josh repeated. "I know you were upset, and I can't say I would have done any better, but he's never done anything to either of us. He's only ever been our friend, Jack, and I think you need to respect that more."
"I know he's our friend, Josh, but the things he said," I argued.
"I know, but I don't think you're seeing it from Kevin's side," Josh said. "Do you remember when you flew out to see me at my parents', and told me about Justin and Lance? Do you remember what the very first thing I said to you was?"
"You didn't believe me," I said, remembering. I sighed, realizing that, once again, Josh was right, and I was just going with my gut instinct, and not thinking things through.
"No, I didn't," Josh agreed. "Not until I heard it from Justin, too. Kevin, well, nobody wants to hear something like that about someone they love. It's hard to imagine, Jack, to think that someone you care about is capable of that, and has something like that inside them. I think you should have cut Kevin some slack for not handling it so well. Look at it this way: what kind of friend would you think he was if he immediately turned his back on Nick and Howie? Would you think any better of him then?"
"Probably not," I agreed.
"Maybe we should give Kevin a little time to think about it, and then give him a call," Josh suggested, rubbing my shoulders. "He promised to get them some help, Jack, and he's probably going to need some friends right now, too."
"Maybe," I agreed, deciding that I would at least think about it. I was so lucky to have someone as selfless as Josh, who always managed to think of everyone else first. Josh kept rubbing my shoulders, and then he dipped his head down, fastening his mouth over my adam's apple.
"I'll take maybe for now," he whispered, kissing along my throat. "Now, unless I'm mistaken, I think you and I were just about to start making out."
"I'd say we already started," I agreed, rolling my head back. "Let's get back to it."
Lance
"Oh, God, Lance," Chad sighed, slamming Lance up against the closed door. He ground his body against him, fastening his mouth over Lance's, and Lance felt himself responding, even if it was only on a physical level.
Chad's hands were on Lance's ass, squeezing firmly, grinding Lance's pelvis against his own, and Lance could feel the hard spike of Chad's excitement grinding into him. Chad groaned into Lance's mouth, following it with his tongue, and Lance felt his own cock stiffening in his pants. He brought his hands to Chad's shoulders, gripping them, and felt the muscle moving beneath the shirt and skin. Chad's chest was pressed against his own, his nipples hard and pointing through the shirt, and his eyes were closed as he ground himself against Lance. Lance felt Chad's hands slide up his shirt, popping open the first button, and Lance slid his own hands down Chad's arms. He caught Chad's hands in his own, feeling Chad's whole body straining toward him, and his own body wanting to surrender to it.
He couldn't do this. It felt completely wrong, and he couldn't just use Chad for sex because he was alone and horny. He tried to just close his eyes and let go, but he wasn't like that, and never had been. Sex always meant something to him, was always something beautiful and special and more about the feelings in his heart than about the ones in his pants. He couldn't ever be the kind of person for whom it didn't mean anything, and, while he was friends with Chad, he couldn't do this. He pulled Chad's hands carefully away from his shirt.
"Chad," he said firmly.
"Oh, Lance, I want you so bad," Chad whispered, not opening his eyes.
"Chad!" Lance said again, and Chad stopped grinding against him, pausing to stare curiously. Lance stepped away from him, still holding Chad's hands in his own. "Chad, I can't do this. I'm sorry. I just, I can't."
Chad stepped away from him, looking a little wounded, but not surprised. Lance felt bad about hurting him, but he would have hurt him more if he went through with it.
"Is it me?" Chad asked, looking away. "You don't like me?"
"No," Lance said, shaking his head. "No, Chad, I like you. The past few days, you've been a great friend to me, and I've really liked hanging out with you, but I just, I don't feel that way about you, Chad. I'm sorry."
Chad walked away from Lance, flicking on one of the lamps in the suite room, and Lance squirmed uncomfortably, rebuttoning the top of his shirt. He could tell that Chad was a little upset, and he moved away from the door, in case Chad wanted to leave.
"I guess I should be glad you didn't go through with it," Chad said, not turning around. "I mean, at least you like me and respect me enough not to just sleep with me anyway. If you don't like me that way, though, what's been going on the past couple days, Lance?"
"I'm not sure," Lance said, sitting down. "I wasn't playing with you on purpose, like playing headgames or something. I really do like you as a friend."
"Then what were you doing?" Chad asked, leaning on the wall. "Why did you kiss me if you didn't like me that way?"
"Because I wanted to," Lance answered, looking at his hands. "I really wanted to like you, Chad. You're a nice guy, and you're really cute, and I thought that maybe, if I just hung out with you enough, that maybe the rest of it would just come, and it didn't. I know you probably don't want to hear that, but I'm sorry, I really am."
"I know," Chad answered. He smiled at Lance, a thin, rueful grin. "I guess I should have known."
"What do you mean?" Lance asked. "I wasn't even sure."
"I know, but I was kind of doing the same thing as you," Chad said. "I've had this feeling all week that you didn't quite like me, that you weren't all the way with me when we were out. I know you tried to cover it, but I'm not that blond, Lance. I can tell when someone I'm with is thinking about someone else."
"But I'm not," Lance said, shaking his head. "I'm not with anyone else."
Chad stared at him, his thin, carefully plucked eyebrows raised skeptically, and then understanding fanned across his face.
"You really don't realize it, do you?" Chad asked, and Lance shook his head. What the hell was Chad talking about? "Lance, you are in love with someone. It's written all over your face, every time he walks into the room."
"Chad, I'm not," Lance insisted, shaking his head. Chad stood, and crossed the room to Lance, standing over him with his arms crossed.
"Yeah, you are, and you don't need me to tell you who," Chad said, leaning down to kiss Lance on the forehead. Lance stared at him in confusion. "It's been fun dating Lance Bass for the week, and it's been fun getting to know Lance, too. If you think about it long enough, you'll figure it out."
Lance watched as Chad walked over to the door, where he turned back.
"Good night, Lance," Chad said, shrugging. "If you need a really big hint, look across the hall."
The door closed, and Chad was gone. Lance stared at the space where he had been, and thought about what he'd said. He couldn't be in love with Justin. He wasn't allowed to be. He cared about Justin, and he took care of Justin, but he couldn't be in love with him, could he?
To be continued.