JC and the Actor, Chapter 8, Copyright 2003 ---------- The following story is entirely a work of fiction. It is not meant to imply anything about the sexuality or the personal lives of the members of NSYNC, or any other celebrities mentioned. If you are underage, or if it is illegal to read sexually explicit gay material where you live, don't read this.
Thanks to all of you for emailing me with your comments. Please keep them coming. mzbryan2003@yahoo.com
Presenting uninterrupted and commercial free... ----------
Chapter 8
I thought to myself that if I saw one more boy-band member at this point that I was going to hit something. Justin walked over to me, his hair was cut short, and he was wearing a t-shirt and baggy pants.
"Can I talk to you for a sec," he asked.
"Uh, wait a minute, how did you know where I..."
"Please," he smirked. "Boy-bands and the FBI have a lot in common."
"Um, ok then, do you want to come upstairs?" Justin definitely had something serious on his mind and wanted me to know it, but I just wasn't at all intimidated by him. I brought him into my apartment and asked him what was up.
"I want to know why Josh has been walking around silent with a suicidal look on his face since he got back last night." The tough guy approach coming from Justin was kind of funny. I thought about his episode of "Before They Were Rock Stars."
"I don't really know," I said. "But if it has something to do with me I'd have to say it's really not any of your business." He seemed a bit put off by my response. It was as though he just expected me to pour my soul out to him.
"Look, Josh is my best friend in the world, and if something is bothering him it is my business."
"Well, why don't you ask him what's bothering him?"
"I did, but he won't say anything, which makes me think you must have really done a job on him." His self-assurance was irritating me. I mean, wasn't he like twenty-two or something?
"Justin, look, I really enjoyed meeting you last week and thought you were a really cool guy, but if you don't stop acting like a prick I'm going to have to ask you to leave."
Justin glared at me. He certainly wasn't use to anyone ever putting him in his place and I wasn't quite sure how he was going to react. He made a movement to go toward the door, then stopped and turned around.
"Look, all I know is that for the past week Josh has done nothing but talk about you every chance he got, and since last night he hasn't mentioned your name." It did surprise me that JC had been talking about me. Of course, I had done my share of talking about him as well.
"Don't you like him anymore?" Justin asked, revealing his age.
"Of course I like him, it's just that I don't think we should create something out of nothing." My words were starting to annoy me. How long could I keep telling myself that there was nothing between the two of us.
"You know, people don't exactly court each other anymore," he began. "They usually just find themselves in a relationship at some point. That's how it was with Brit and I."
I thought about reminding him that that relationship didn't exactly go very well, but decided against it.
"Justin, I'm just not ready to put my feelings on the line again. I've been hurt way too many times to just go asking for it."
"Jeez, Nathan, I'm not telling you to go marry him. Why can't you just relax and see where it goes?" There wasn't much I did relax about, and I didn't think this was a good place to start. I didn't really know how to respond to the things Justin was saying. I didn't feel comfortable discussing these issues with him, and it was strange to me to see how comfortable he was.
"I can't become a groupie and just follow him around the world. I have my own life and career to think about." I thought about how Cameron Diaz had spent months following Justin around on his tour, and how silly I thought that was given that she was supposed to be a major movie star.
"Look," he started. It seemed like he might have understood my apprehension. "I'm just saying this stuff because Josh probably wouldn't be able to. You and I both know that he isn't exactly talkative, which is probably why I find myself fighting a lot of his battles for him, whether he wants me to or not. But I can honestly tell you that I have never seen him go crazy for anyone like this. Why should you guys miss out on being together?" I was searching for something to say, but couldn't find anything. Justin continued. "Do you know what Josh said when he first saw you walk on stage?"
"I don't know, something along the lines of 'what a piece of ass' perhaps?" I was trying to lighten the mood.
"No, he said 'oh my God, he is beautiful.' Then he just stared at you for the next two and a half hours, absorbing every word you said. During intermission he must have asked me a dozen times if I would go backstage with him after the performance."
I was impressed with the interest JC had shown. "Justin, what is all this supposed to mean?"
He was searching for the right way to say it. "Lust wasn't the first emotion Josh had when he saw you. I don't know what to call it but it was something deeper. An attraction, but not one as primal as you would think." Justin looked down at his watch and said "Oh shit! I gotta get going."
I remembered that today was the album release day and thought it was impressive that Justin had taken time out the day to come talk to me. Maybe he wasn't as self-involved as I thought. Justin fished into his pocket and brought out a small yellow card. Handing it to me he said, "The album release party is at Suede tonight. This will get you past the bouncers and into the VIP area if you want to come."
I took the card from him and rubbed my thumb against it. "Thanks, I, I..." I couldn't finish the sentence.
Heading toward the door, Justin said, "Josh is not the kind of guy that is just gonna move on from this." He paused. "If you want him, I think you can have him." He opened the door and before leaving he turned around to look at me again. "For some reason, I kind of like you Nathan."
I was a little startled by his directness. "Thank you," I said. "Josh has a good friend." He closed the door and once again, I was alone.
I had abandoned thoughts of going for a run, preferring instead to pace around my apartment. I went from room to room, not at all sure what to do. I could have him, I thought. JC had said so in not so many words, and Justin said so rather explicitly. Every time I thought about being with Josh my heart would start racing, but then a voice inside my head would tell me to knock it off. I tried to think about the flirting, the drinking, the wild sex. But then I would start thinking about the walks in the museum, the dinner conversations, the talks we had in bed. There was something besides sex holding us together. Why was I afraid to admit it?
I proposed to myself the idea of dating JC. How would it work? Sure we could hang out in LA next week, but what about the weeks after? I didn't know how long the play was going to run or when he would be going on tour. Was it even going to be possible to have a relationship under these conditions, and if not, why should I set myself up for an inevitable breakup?
I didn't know if I could trust JC. I had trusted Mark and look where that got me. How could I deal with another person telling me that they were leaving? I knew that I could avoid that just by letting JC go. But I could hear Maggie's word again telling me to be open to the possibility. If somehow JC was the one for me, how would I know? Could I be missing the chance to be with my soul mate? And could I really be content not to ever stare into those blue eyes again?
I was driving myself crazy going back and forth with my thoughts. I thought of a dozen people that I could call to try to get some advice, but I decided the time had really come to make my own decision. I had all the facts, I knew the risks, and I wasn't a child. I had decided it was time to go for that run.
I don't know how long I was out for but at some point I found myself running up Central Park West, on the Upper West Side. I turned into the park and started running down one of the paths. I thought about how confident Justin was about the things he was saying. Did he really know JC that well, or was he just some stupid kid? No matter what conclusion I would come to, ten seconds later I would come to another one. I knew I obviously wouldn't be putting this amount of energy into a random trick, but I also couldn't decide if the benefits outweighed the risks.
The run did little but exhaust me. I got back to my apartment, a sweaty mess of confusion. I pulled off my clothes and threw myself on the bed, burying my head under the pillow, hoping the silence would produce some answers. Make a decision damn it! Make a decision!
I woke with a start. I had fallen asleep. It was dark out. I reached for the alarm clock and saw that it was around 8:30pm. Resolved to the fact that I wasn't going to be resolving anything I went and took a shower. The hot, pulsating water was soothing, but didn't stop me from still feeling uncomfortable. I finished showering and clad in a towel, I flung myself onto the couch and flipped on the television. I thought it would be a nice distraction until I came upon the familiar faces of NSYNC. It was a repeat of what must have been earlier today's live broadcast for their album release. Carson Daly was interviewing the guys at the MTV studios before they headed over to start signing albums at the Virgin Mega Store in Times Square. At one point Carson asked them what they like to do when they are in the city, and JC answered by mentioning Erin's art show and how cool it was to be in a city with such creative energy. I thought that was incredibly kind of him to mention her by name, and figured that Erin may very well be thanking me for the rest of my life.
The show dragged on and on and I kept looking at JC, looking for a sign of something. He looked like the JC one usually saw on these kinds of programs. There was no real difference. But then, it happened. Someone in the audience had said something that made all of the guys start laughing, but it was as though JC didn't hear it. He was sitting next to Chris, behind the other three when I saw him turn his face to the side and down. It wasn't long enough for anyone else to notice, but something about his movement triggered something in me. He was sad, and my gut reaction was telling me that someone like him should never be sad. I jumped up, switched off the television, and ran out the door. Seconds later I returned, and got dressed.
Suede was one of the more trendy New York clubs and I didn't really go there very often. When I arrived a line that looked like it stretched for blocks extended from the entrance to the club. Giant SUV Limousines were parked outside, and the sounds of house music sent a vibration through the pavement. I took out the card Justin had given me and hoped everyone in the line didn't have one with them. I walked straight up to one of the bouncers and handed it to him. Much to the upset of the people waiting, he opened the velvet ropes and handed the card back to me. I darted in and was greeted by what could have easily been thousands of people, if I had any ability to estimate such things.
It was definitely a lively crowd, composed mainly of celebrities and young, beautiful civilians. The first person I recognized was Joey, who was dancing off to the side with a bunch of girls. I made my way through the crowd, occasionally avoiding a girl or guy that would step in front of me and try to start dancing with me. I spotted Lance near the bar, trying to talk to some guy over the loud music. "Lance!" I called, making my way over to him.
"Oh, hey there!" He returned. I figured he didn't remember my name. I saw the guy standing next to him give me the once over, and I thought to myself, God I really don't have time for this. "Do you want a drink?" Lance asked. 'Here, let me get you a drink." He started turning his head from side to side looking for a server.
"No, that's ok. I'm trying to find Josh."
"Oh, uh, I think he is upstairs, you know, in the VIP room." He made quotation marks with his hands when he said "VIP."
"Thanks," I replied. I turned around and saw the staircase on the other side of the room. I thought to myself that it would take a half-hour to get there. I vaguely thought I heard the guy next to Lance say something about a threesome before I headed back into the crowd, though I couldn't be sure.
I finally got to the second floor and headed toward the back room, where two more burly bouncers stood. I took out the card again and showed it to them. Almost reluctantly, they stepped aside. The room was dark and mostly A-list, though the noise level continued. Finally, I saw JC, sitting up on a barstool, talking to Justin and Cameron. I stopped for a moment, trying to gather my thoughts. He looked gorgeous, albeit pensive. I walked over to the group and said, "Hey guys!"
All three turned and looked at me and there was a brief moment of silence before Cameron shouted, "Hey there, you! Good to see you again." She hugged me and I could tell she had been drinking. I was looking at JC and saw that he wasn't taking his eyes off of me.
"Good to see you," Justin said, extending his hand to me. He then took Cameron by the hand. "Let's go dance," he said to her. The two waived goodbye and Justin gave me a wink as he walked past. It kind of pissed me off to think that Justin would always think he engineered my coming here, but for the moment I had other concerns. I stood in front of JC, and he looked up at me. Once again, I couldn't read his expression.
"So I've been thinking, and I've come to the conclusion that we should give it a try."
"What?"
I realized that I had been talking low and that he couldn't hear me. "I think we should give it a try!"
"What?"
"We should give it a try!!" He looked up at me and it was thought I could suddenly see his mind swirling through his eyes.
"I don't know," he finally said. "You may be right about it not working out." I didn't know if I believed what he was saying but I knew I didn't want to.
I continued, "I think I've realized that you can't debate these things in your head, you have to go with your heart."
"Nate, people don't change overnight."
"I know, but that's just the thing, I was trying to change who I was by trying to pretend that what was between us wasn't important to me. But you saw through that, I know you did." He didn't respond so I thought I should keep talking. "I suck at this casual stuff Josh, I don't know how people do it without getting feelings involved. Maybe it's because I am over-analytical or too self-absorbed, but I can't invest my time and share my body with someone I don't care about. I don't want to."
He looked into my eyes, and I sensed that I was making some headway. "So why did you say..." he began but I cut him off.
"Look, I never told you this, but Mark broke up with me only the day before I met you." He gave me a look of surprise and I could tell he didn't know if that changed something. "So the idea of you replacing him in less than twenty-four hours just seemed impossible to me. I mean, you agree that the odds weren't with me right?" He nodded. "I was the one hurt in the relationship, so how could I not consider the possibility that I was rebounding or trying to get revenge in some sick way?" He readjusted his position on the chair. "I wasn't the one looking for an out, so how I could I stumble upon the next chapter of my life without first thinking about it? I mean when you showed up, the guy I had spent years fantasizing about, and were suddenly into me, I was just a jumble of emotions." He smiled faintly and I could tell he was blushing a bit. "It was like I went from this total horror to getting everything I wanted in the world in just a few short hours. You, the play, the movies, it's all too good to be true right?"
JC looked at me and I could tell he wanted to say something, but he was having trouble. "Nate," he finally said. "I don't have to be your whole world for us to be able to be together."
"I know, I know we have separate lives, and maybe that will make things hard, but sometimes it's just worth it." He gave me a look and I realized I was basically saying what he had tried to say yesterday. "I was afraid to make things hard Josh, afraid to dive right back into the word of relationships. I thought I must have been doing something wrong in them."
"They weren't the right men for you," he said, standing up, and with a confidence I hadn't seen before.
"But I couldn't plan on you showing up at my dressing room that night, and I would be stupid to let you go." My hands absentmindedly made their way to his hips.
"So what brought about this change?" he said, leaning closer to me.
"It wasn't my mind, it wasn't what you said, it wasn't the different people that told me I was acting like an ass, it wasn't your little soldier over there." I pointed over to Justin who was dancing with Cameron on the other side of the room.
"Wait a minute," JC said. "Justin came and talked to you?" He looked a bit ticked and embarrassed. "I didn't tell him to do that."
"I know Josh, I know."
"Oh," he calmed down. "So what was it then?"
"It was you. Pure and simple. I saw you on the TV and realized I knew what you were thinking. I started thinking about the connection we had and that obviously it must be stronger than I could imagine or else I wouldn't have put myself through all of this. In an instant I realized that I couldn't be without you. It was pure, raw emotion, and it felt wonderful." Josh was smiling at this point and I could feel his hands moving to my hips as well.
"Don't think I haven't thought this is too good to be true as well."
I looked into his eyes and realized this was a moment I was going to remember forever. It felt a little like cliff diving but for whatever reason I was ready.
I continued, "I spent so much time wondering if I even knew you well enough to like you." I took a deep breath. "I didn't realize that I loved you." Josh stiffened around me for a moment, then pushed his face close to mine.
"I'm glad you came back," he said. I could feel his breath on my face. Our eyes were locked, only inches apart. I felt mine close as his lips touched mine. It was perhaps the best kiss I had ever received. My hands reached around his back and I embraced him. His hands moved to the sides of my head as we continued to kiss. I wasn't thinking about the crowd around us. I wasn't thinking about the next step. All I was thinking about was him.
What a difference a week makes.
To be continued