JC and the Actor, Chapter 32, Copyright 2004 ----------
The following story is entirely a work of fiction. It is not meant to imply anything about the sexuality or the personal lives of the members of NSYNC, or any other celebrities mentioned. If you are underage, or if it is illegal to read sexually explicit gay material where you live, don't read this.
Please continue to send your thoughts, comments and criticisms to mzbryan2003@yahoo.com. I appreciate hearing from all of you.
Chapter 32
JC was still looking toward the ground, apparently fascinated by his sneakers. Tapping his foot slowly, he said, "Um, are you saying that, um, the baby might be mine?"
"Might be?" Elaine glared at him. "You mean because I sleep with so many men?"
"I don't even know you," JC said, a bit more emotion in his voice.
"Not that it's any of your business, but when I met you I had just broken up with my boyfriend of five years. Do you even know what it's like to be in a relationship for that long?"
JC looked back over at me. "No," he said quietly.
Elaine looked back at JC for a moment, looking like she was trying to catch her breath. "I have to go, Nathan," she said suddenly, walking toward me and taking Madeline from my arms. I was still sitting on the couch, totally bewildered by the scene in front of me. Part of me thought I should be getting furious or upset, but there was another part of me that was just thrilled that there was a problem going on that had absolutely nothing to do with me.
"I'll walk you out," I said, shaking myself back into reality and standing up. I gave a somewhat quizzical look to JC before following Elaine toward the door. Right before exiting, she turned back toward him.
"She's not yours," she snarled. "Don't worry about having to shut me up." JC just stood there, looking like he was completely frozen. I was hoping that he was going to say something, something that would hopefully make sense of all of this. He remained silent and Elaine turned back, heading out the door. She was babbling a whole bunch of comments as we made our way toward her car, none of which I could decipher.
"Elaine," I interrupted. "Please don't leave angry like this," I pleaded. "It's not safe to drive if you are this upset."
"I'm not upset," she said, clearly lying. "Nathan, do you have any idea who you are dating?"
I thought I did. I mean, we had been through our own drama and I wasn't prepared to totally judge him just by what had happened in the past few minutes. "Yes," I said, without trying to sound defensive. "I know him very well."
"Well, just don't be too surprised if you wake up one morning to find him gone," she said, opening the back door to her car. "Nathan, he, he..." She looked down at Madeline as though she didn't want to continue in front of her, despite the fact that the baby didn't even know that her own hands weren't edible. Elaine placed the baby in her car seat and closed the door.
"Nathan," she started again. "Kevin and I were together for five years, and I came home one day a year ago to find that he had just left. He just emptied out the apartment and left." She laughed a little to herself. "I guess that's why I wasn't so shocked to find the apartment like it was last night. It's happened once before."
"I'm sorry," I said, wishing that she had told me, wishing that I had kept in touch.
"I was totally devastated," she continued. "I didn't know what I was supposed to do, so a friend of mine made me go to this party with her, you know, to get my mind off of it. I think it was for a record company or something like that." She stepped closer to me. "I had no intention of hooking up with anybody, but, well, he showed up and seemed to take an interest in me almost immediately." I stood there listening, my mouth hanging open, my mind trying to imagine JC hitting on a woman. It was a lot to digest all at once.
"He pursued me all night, and of course I was flattered. I mean, I knew who he was and thought he was adorable. I shouldn't have agreed to go home with him, but I did. I guess I was hoping his feelings went beyond the physical." She stopped for a moment before continuing. "But after we, well, after we..." I put my hand up, letting her know that I understood, not really wanting to hear a description of it. "He practically threw me out of the house. He said he had to get up really early for some radio interview or something. He gave me a phone number which turned out to be a fake, and then he just left the room and that was the last I saw of him." Her face was red with embarrassment. "I had to call my own cab." Tears started to run down her face and I hugged her to me, feeling like I had switched onto automatic pilot. The JC she had described certainly wasn't the JC that I knew, though I reminded myself that he seemed to keep the different parts of his personality pretty well compartmentalized.
"I don't know what to say," I said, stroking her hair. "Maybe he was really confused or something."
"Oh, that's right," she sniffed, almost laughing. "He's gay too. Boy, I really pick good ones, don't I?" I smiled at her, releasing my grip.
"Elaine, are you absolutely sure the baby is Kevin's?" I asked calmly. She hesitated for a moment, blinking and swallowing, pretty much making me think that I couldn't clearly trust the answer she was about to give.
"Yes," she said, stone-faced. "She's Kevin's."
"Ok," I said, wondering if she could have any possible reason to lie. I mean, if the baby was JC's, she would basically be a millionaire. Why wouldn't she want to take advantage of that? "Well, let me call you a cab and get you a hotel," I continued. "I don't think you should be driving, and you probably don't want to be in your apartment right now."
"Nathan, thank you, but I'm fine."
"I insist," I said. She opened her mouth to protest but I told her the discussion was over.
"You're sweet, Nathan. Too sweet for him."
"Oh, believe me, we've all done things we're not proud of." I practically smiled, noting the irony of her comment. She was telling me what a good person I was at the same time I was trying to think of how I was going to prevent a sex-tape, that I had created, from destroying the life of the person I loved and his closest friends. It was going to be a busy next few days to say the least.
Elaine didn't want to go back inside, so she stayed by the car with Madeline while I ran back up to the house to make the arrangements. JC was no longer in the living room, but I found him in the kitchen staring distantly out the window. His hands were grasping the counter and I could see that they were shaking. I wanted to comfort him, but after hearing everything Elaine had said, I couldn't help but hesitate.
"Is she gone?" He asked quietly. I found myself in totally unfamiliar territory. There were some feelings of anger toward JC, but there was also the idea that he didn't really didn't do anything wrong. It wasn't as though he had cheated on me, it was just that two months before he met me, he had had sex with a woman, and the potential consequences of that were decidedly different from those with a man.
"They're still outside," I said, looking around for a phone book, but suddenly realizing that I needed to get out of the house as well. "Um, I'm just going to run them to a hotel, I'll be right back, ok?"
"A hotel?" he said, still staring out the window.
"Yeah," I said, realizing that he hadn't heard anything about the burglary. "Her place was robbed and I think she feels a little creepy about going back."
"You're nice," he said.
"Josh, do you need me to stay? Do you need to talk?" I didn't know what I could possibly offer. Part of me thought that I might just start screaming.
"I'll see you when you get back," he said, turning and walking out of the room.
"Josh," I called faintly, but he either ignored or didn't hear me.
I climbed back into my car, having just checked Elaine into the Beverly Hills Hotel. It was rather extravagant, but I felt like I needed to apologize for something, even though I didn't know what that was.
My hand went to turn on the ignition, but stopped short of doing so. I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay in the parking lot of the Beverly Hills Hotel forever. My mind was split in so many directions I didn't know what to prioritize. I needed to find that tape. I needed to finish my film. I needed to provide some comfort to my boyfriend.
It was around six in the evening. The sky was beginning to darken, and a light rain had started to fall. Advertisements for LA didn't want you to think that this ever happened, but it did. Taking a deep breath, I started the car and began to make my way home. Driving down Sunset Blvd. I passed the coffee shop that JC and I frequented. Impulsively, I pulled into it, parking and heading inside, the rain quickly soaking my shirt.
"Hi, Nate," the waitress said as I sat down at a table in the corner. "Do you want the usual?"
"Yes, thanks," I nodded. "Oh, and do you have a newspaper or something else to read?"
"Sure," she said, hurrying away and returning with the "LA Times" and a latte. I opened up the paper, eager to distract my mind with hopefully some trivial things like the faltering economy or a new outbreak of SARS.
I sat there, quietly reading, pretending not to notice the occasional glances or whispers. "If you only knew what was going on in my head," I thought to myself, smiling slightly
At some point I realized that I had flipped through the entire newspaper without reading past the first page. I was wondering why Kevin had just walked out on Elaine. I was wondering why she was so adamant that the baby was his. Heaven knows I was hoping that it was, but I felt like I was going to need proof at some point.
Was it just an incredible coincidence that JC had slept with my friend, or did JC just sleep with all the women in LA? Was he bisexual? Would that matter to us?
I had to get home. I didn't want to run from any more problems, especially since I had created so many of them. I felt pretty powerless to do anything about Lance and the tape, and as strange as it sounded, JC's problem seemed a bit more pressing.
The gate opened and I headed up the driveway, hoping that my emotions wouldn't get the best of me. I wasn't able to pull into the driveway because JC's car was blocking it. I parked and walked passed it, quickly noticing that the front-left side of his car and the wall nearby it were both dented. I hurried inside, worried about what had happened.
"Josh?" I called, practically running into the living room. He wasn't there. "Josh?" I started going through the rooms, frantic that he might be hurt. I heard the faint sound of the television in the study and rushed toward it, pushing open the door to find JC spread across the couch, fast asleep. "Josh, are you ok?" I said, stepping toward him, my foot knocking against an empty bottle of vodka. On the television was what looked like home videos from his childhood.
All in all, it was a pretty dramatic scene, albeit an upsetting one. JC didn't look hurt, just disheveled. I leaned down and lightly shook his shoulder. "Josh." He only sighed and shifted his body slightly. He had obviously drunk himself into a stupor, which made me mad, but also made me feel terrible. I had been worried about Elaine driving angry. While making sure she was safe, JC must have gone out for a drive, which was not only unsafe for him, but for everyone else. We needed to talk but we obviously couldn't.
I walked over to the other end of the couch and slipped his shoes off. I pulled a blanket off of the back of the couch and laid it over him, kneeling down on the ground by his face. I brought my hand to his face, touching his smooth skin, smoothing the curls that hung over his forehead. How someone could look beautiful under these circumstances baffled me, but there was something angelic about him, his long eyelashes lightly fluttering over his eyes, his perfect lips parted. I was reminded of how even when I had only known him for a few days, I was overwhelmed with the desire to ensure that he was never hurt. Now he was hurting himself, and there was nothing I could do about it. I leaned over and kissed his forehead, resting my head on the cushion supporting his head. I still didn't know what to do, but I knew that I wanted to be there when he woke up.
I felt like I was falling, my eyes darting open, trying to remember where I was. The first thing I noticed was the incredibly stiff feeling I had in my neck. The second was that JC was sitting up on the couch, looking around the room as though he had never been in it before. Rubbing my neck, I looked at him, waiting for him to say something. When it became clear that he wasn't going to, I asked him if he was ok.
"Nate, I.." he stopped, a pained expression overtaking his face. "I, think I'm gonna throw up." He was off the couch in a flash and running for the bathroom. I stood up, cracking my body back into place, listening to the sounds of JC vomiting. There were definitely lovelier sounds. I noticed that it was still dark out and saw that it was only three in the morning. For lack of anything better to do, I folded up the blanket trying to perfectly but it back in its place.
"Nate," I heard from behind me. I turned to see him standing in the doorway, looking pale and weak.
"Do you know what you did to your car?" I asked, wondering to myself why that was my first question.
"I'll get it all fixed tomorrow," he said.
"Josh, I don't give a shit about the car. You could have gotten yourself killed driving around these hills drunk."
"I know," he answered.
"Do you really think this is the right way to deal with this?" I was sounding judgmental but I didn't want to.
"Are you really going to start lecturing me?" he said.
"Josh, we all have to deal with the consequences of our actions."
"I don't want to talk about it," he said. He didn't want to talk about it? What the hell did he want to do? Do a piece of performance art about it? I looked at him intently prepared to launch into a laundry list of questions, complaints and suggestions.
"Fine," I said, realizing that I shouldn't do any of those things. I was here to help, but I wasn't going to beg to help him. I walked past him, heading up to the bedroom. "I'm going to bed," I said.
When I neared the top of the stairs he called my name again. I looked down at him. "Wait. You aren't going to yell at me?" he asked, sounding a little exasperated, his voice cracking.
"No," I said.
"But I want you to," he said. I didn't realize it at first but now I saw that he was starting to cry. "I want you to tell me what a horrible person I am." He started sobbing and crumpled down onto the ground, holding his face in his hands. I hurried down the stairs, sliding down onto the ground in front of him.
"Listen to me," I said, pulling his hands into mine. "I could never tell you that. You are wonderful, you hear me? We will get through this."
"If it was mine you would leave me," he cried. "It would be the right thing to do." I didn't follow his logic, but I supposed it would put a strange pressure on our relationship. Honestly none of this had made me think I would break up with JC. I was more worried that I had to worry about him leaving me someday for a woman.
"Josh, I'm not going anywhere, but you have to pull yourself together. Why are you reacting like this?"
"Because I've used people," he said. "I let my own problems affect other people and look what I could have done!" I noticed that he was speaking in the past tense and wondered if this was the right time to tell him I didn't believe Elaine when she said he was not the father. I wanted to tell him that it was ok, but I couldn't understand what he was talking about. "I don't want this to be happening," he continued. "I just want it to go away."
"I don't know what to say, Josh."
"Haven't you ever been confused, Nate? Have you ever wondered what it would be like if your life could be different?"
"No, I guess not," I said softly. Truth be told I had always been pretty happy with who I was. I didn't spend my time fantasizing about things I did not know.
"Well I haven't. Nate, I didn't have a family when I was really little, and being gay used to make me think that I never would as an adult."
"You can still have a family, Josh. It's just a little different. I can be your family."
"But it would just be so much easier to be normal," he said, wiping the tears from his face.
"I wasn't aware that we were abnormal," I said.
He looked up at me, rolling his eyes. "You know what I mean."
"So you have tried to make yourself like women?" I said, realizing what a dramatic shift this was in our relationship. For the first time, I was trying to help him. For the first time it seemed like he needed my help.
"I shouldn't have," he said. "It was selfish. And look at the results!" He opened up his hands before covering his head with them again.
"Josh, if you're attracted to women, that's ok." I supposed it was. I guess it was.
"I'm attracted to you," he said. "I love you." He grabbed my face and kissed me briefly but roughly. "But you're not ever going to come home and tell me that you are going to have a baby."
"That's true," I said, realizing for the first time how much time JC must have spent thinking about stuff like this.
"God, I can't even marry you," he said.
"Maybe not yet," I said half-smiling, rubbing my thumb across his cheek. I had taken it for granted that JC was as comfortable with himself as I was. For the most part, he seemed to be, but now I felt like I understood the different reactions he had to things throughout our relationship.
He was always making me feel so pressured to have things work out between us. I remembered him brooding on our Nile cruise, telling me that no one would ever totally accept us. I thought about his almost epic reaction to my transgression. JC needed me to make him feel good about himself and justify the path he has taken. A few years or months ago, I wouldn't have appreciated the responsibility, preferring the people around me to be able to stand on their own two feet. But sitting on the floor with him, holding him, all I wanted to do was help him, validate him.
"It's all so hard, Nate," he continued. "I've been pretending, lying since I was a teenager. Promoting an image, keeping up appearances."
"I thought you were comfortable separating your private and public life, Josh. You're not obligated to tell people anything."
"I know, but it starts to confuse you after a while. Singing about women, being asked about them, having to be scene with them, it makes you realize how easy and perfect things would be if that's what you wanted."
"So, you decided to try things out with Elaine?"
"She hasn't been the only one, Nate." He looked up into my widening eyes. "But she was the last. I was so embarrassed and ashamed of what I had done, that I couldn't even look at her afterward. I just had to leave. I used her and left her." His eyes were still watering, but he wasn't crying as much anymore.
I didn't know what to say. I didn't think I could tell him he hadn't used her, though at the same point she was a willing participant. Still, I knew that he didn't do anything with malice.
"Josh, maybe if you talk to her, you would..."
"No, I don't want to ever see her again!" he yelled. "I need this all to go away."
I thought for a moment, knowing that he may owe Elaine more than an apology. "I think you have to talk to her, Josh. I'm not convinced you aren't the father."
"Why do you say that?" he asked, his voice sounding dry.
"I don't know. There is just something about the way she answers when she is asked. I think she's hiding something."
"Oh, God," was all he said. We sat there, quietly, neither of us able to say anything. I couldn't imagine what it might feel like to be considering the possibility of having fathered a child. While I had done some pretty wild things in my day, I was positive that none of them could have ended with conception.
"I just can't believe I did this," he said finally. I could tell he was really beating himself up over the whole thing. It wasn't necessarily the wrong reaction, because at least it showed that he understood the seriousness of the situation. If JC was the father, I couldn't see him being anything less than wonderful to the child. But I also knew that it wasn't an ideal setting. "This is what I get for wanting to have a family?"
"Josh, this isn't just about you," I said, starting to think he was internalizing a bit much. I imagined that on a less personal level, he had to also be worried about legal and public ramifications, but I couldn't possibly understand thinking about that at a time like this.
"I know," he said, looking even more hurt. "I don't know what to say." He looked up at me for guidance. "Tell me what I'm supposed to do, Nate. Just tell me and I'll do it."
"I'm not going to tell you what to do," I said. "It's your decision." It was true that he had to make decisions about this on his own. It was also true that if he made the wrong ones, I didn't know if I would be able to continue in this relationship. He was quiet for a moment, lost in thought.
"I think I have to go talk to her," he finally said, looking a bit more resolved.
"Now?" I asked, looking at my watch, noting that it wasn't even dawn. He nodded.
"Will you come with me?" he asked.
"Of course," I answered.
It was around 4:30 in the morning when we arrived at the hotel. It was a bit ridiculous to be showing up at such an hour, but there was a certain pleasure in being able to deal with something immediately. I knocked on the door quietly, hoping to not wake the baby. After a minute or so, Elaine opened the door, looking tired but alert.
"What are you doing here, Nate?" she asked.
"Someone needs to talk to you," I said, stepping aside allowing her to see that JC was standing next to me.
"I don't want to talk to you," she said, moving to close the door.
"Please?" he asked politely, placing his hand against the door. I wondered: if everyone had to at some point confront their one-night stands, would they stop having them? "It will just take a minute." She stood frozen for a moment, then rolled her eyes and pushed the door open.
"Just be quiet. Madeline is a terrible sleeper as it is." We went into the room, and almost involuntarily I immediately walked over to the basinet, eager to see the sleeping baby. I was somewhat shocked to see how much I liked being around her. Growing up an only child didn't provide me much exposure to babies, and I can't say that I had ever thought much about them until now. I supposed it was in part due to my constant preoccupation with myself, but now I was starting to wonder what it would be like to be a parent.
"What do you want?" Elaine asked, looking at JC.
"I, um, well, I want to apologize for my behavior earlier. And for my behavior last year I suppose."
"Ok," she said, staring intently at him. "Is that all you came to say?"
"No," he said, shaking his head. He was struggling for words and it dawned on me that this was the NSYNC member that could never get a full sentence out when he was nervous. I was feeling protective of him, but thought that it was best that I remain quiet. "Um, I just want to say that you don't have to worry about me trying to hurt you in any way. But, well, if you have any doubt whatsoever about who Madeline's father is, I think we should find out."
He seemed very sincere and apologetic, very much like a little boy who had been caught doing something he shouldn't.
"I told you there wasn't," Elaine shot back.
"You're lying," I said sternly, turning toward the two of them, deciding that interrupting would at least move this exchange along before I died of old age.
"What? How dare you," Elaine said, glaring at me.
"I'm not saying your reason is malicious, Elaine. But I think you have some reason for lying or possibly for not wanting to know. You said Kevin left before you even knew you were pregnant. How could you be certain he is the father, then?"
"I know he is. I can't believe you are saying this to me." She looked very angry and very upset.
"Why are you so insistent about this?" I asked, my voice louder than I expected it to be. I looked back to check that Madeline was still sleeping.
"Because if he's not the father, then I'm just some whore walking around not knowing who the father of her child is!" she cried, her face reddening. "I'm just some whore who's guy left in the middle night and who consoled herself by acting like a teenage groupie."
Now it was all starting to make sense. Elaine wanted to believe that Kevin was the father, but she didn't know for sure. Both JC and Elaine were trying to forget their night together, but Elaine was too scared to even think that she might be carrying around a constant reminder.
"I don't know where he is!" she continued. "No one does. Do you know what it feels like to have the person you trusted the most just disappear?" We both just looked at her. "Madeline is the only thing I have to make it all worth it."
The silence was palpable. I had elicited the truth, but really didn't know where to go from there. I was realizing that I seriously had to consider the possibility that JC was the father. I looked over at JC, wondering if he was going to say something, thinking how he must have never considered all that comes with a person you randomly decide to take home. Deep inside, there was a part of me that was both furious and a bit hurt. But now was not the time to deal with those feelings.
"I can have my doctor do the tests for us tomorrow," JC finally said, breaking the silence and taking charge.
Elaine looked at him for a moment, looking a bit defeated. Eventually she took a deep breath and sighed, wiping the tears from her face and opening her mouth. "I think you should," she said.
To be continued