JC and the Actor, Chapter 28, Copyright 2004 ----------
The following story is entirely a work of fiction. It is not meant to imply anything about the sexuality or the personal lives of the members of NSYNC, or any other celebrities mentioned. If you are underage, or if it is illegal to read sexually explicit gay material where you live, don't read this.
Thanks to everyone for giving me so much feedback. It is a real pleasure to hear from all of you. Please continue to send your thoughts, comments and criticisms to mzbryan2003@yahoo.com
Chapter 28
"So how long has it been?"
"Over a month."
"And how are you doing?"
"Fine, I guess. I mean, I do what I have to do, and I don't walk around depressed or anything."
"Well that's good. Have you furnished your place yet?"
"No, I just got back. I guess that's the next project I'll tackle."
"Nathaniel, you don't sound like you're very happy."
"Well, I have my good days and bad days."
"So what makes today a bad day?"
"I guess just coming back to New York, realizing I'm alone."
"Do you want me to come down and stay with you?"
I laughed a little into the telephone. "No mom, I'm fine, really. I mean, come if you want, but I really have been fine. Filming went off without a hitch. I think it was actually quite therapeutic to throw myself back into my character. Even Larry commented on how professional I was behaving. After Africa I think he was worried that he had a real trouble-maker on the set."
"I've seen the video," my mom said. "Edward says it's been at number one since it premiered. You look gorgeous in it. So angry."
"Well that was the idea. Lucky for me that I didn't have to film it with the band. I shot all my scenes in a studio near where I was filming. The guys did their scenes at another one."
My only regret in making the video was not being able to get the satisfaction of confronting Justin with the fact that I had saved his ass. The video was now slick and dramatic, scenes of the band mixed with scenes from my movie and scenes of me losing my mind in a dingy apartment. According to MTV, without even having a movie out, I had now achieved heartthrob status, despite the fact that the media still seemed very confused as to whether I liked boys or girls.
"So the hotel was the last place you saw or talked to him?"
"Yep. I said it was over and I guess it is." The only thing I had received from JC was a note thanking me for doing the video. He told me that I was the sole reason for its success and that he really appreciated it. Without any closing words, he signed his name, Josh.
"And what about the other guy in all of this?" my mom asked.
I had to think for a moment. "Oh, you mean Bobby. We didn't really speak either. He just stayed clear of me and I was afraid that if I tried to talk to him that it would just make him think he had a chance."
"So you don't think you would want to be with him, now that you are not with Joshua?"
"No," I said very quickly. "It's got nothing to do with him really, but I just can't revisit all of that drama. It's all too painful to think about."
"So what are you going to do tonight? You're a big star, now," she laughed. "You shouldn't be sitting home alone."
"Actually, I'm going to go this small showcase at Edward's school. A few students were selected to play some classic jazz pieces and he was one of them."
"What? He didn't mention it to me."
"You know Edward. He's modest to the point that I think it's an illness."
"I know, well, send him my love. And tell him if he doesn't tell me about his next concert that I'm just going to start showing up at his school daily with pastries."
"That just might do the trick."
"I love you baby, take care of yourself."
"Love you too, bye-bye."
Just for the record, the end of February in New York really sucks. In addition to the freezing temperatures and the likelihood of snow, it also begins to rain consistently, forcing you to question why you live here. Arriving at Julliard, I found myself dreading the run from the cab to the auditorium, wondering if I could ever become famous enough to force the weather to work with me.
Once inside, I was happy to see that it was a rather small crowd, mostly college kids and their parents. The college kids seemed to recognize me at once, and I noticed a bunch of them running up to Edward who was on the stage, looking like he was perhaps dusting the grand piano. I realized that it must be pretty cool to be related to someone famous. Edward didn't strike me as someone you would call to liven up a party, so I hoped that his relationship to me was helping his social status.
I watched a dark-haired college guy walk up and sit on the piano bench next to Edward. Edward's body immediately stiffened when he sat down and after he turned to face the boy and started talking to him, the boy shortly thereafter got up and walked away. Edward turned back and caught my attention, waving at me to sit down wherever I wanted. I chose a seat off to the right side of the theater trying to keep to myself, but the seats surrounding me were quickly filled in on all sides by giggling college girls. They were definitely MTV watchers.
"Hi," one of them said.
"Hi," I nodded, trying to be pleasant but hoping they would leave me alone.
"You're in the new NSYNC video, aren't you?" another one asked. I nodded again.
"And you just made a movie," a girl on my left added.
"This is Julliard," I laughed. "Aren't you girls supposed to hate pop music and popular culture in general?" They all laughed.
"I can only take so much Chopin," the girl on my left said.
"So what brings you here?" another asked.
"Just came to watch my brother," I smiled, gesturing to Edward.
"You're Edward's brother?" one of the girls asked, her eyes widening.
"Who's Edward?" said the girl sitting in the row in front of me, turned around in her seat.
"He's a freshman," the girl on my left offered. "He's quiet."
"I could probably get him to be louder," another girl offered. I couldn't help but glare at her. It crossed my mind that my celebrity status might be contributing to Edward getting some action sometime soon. I didn't know how I felt about that.
"So are you single?" yet another girl asked.
"What time does this show start?" I asked, hoping to change the subject.
"What is Justin Timberlake like?"
"Are Lance's eyes green or blue?"
"Is JC gay?"
My head was starting to spin and I was contemplating leaving when I saw Edward walking toward me, smiling. He gestured for me to come over to him, and I happily excused myself to go and meet him.
"You looked like you were about to become tonight's dinner," he said, leading me up and onto the stage. I wondered if he was going to ask me to do an impromptu monologue. "You can watch from the side of the stage if you want," he grinned.
"Thank you," I said. We walked to the side of the stage where he pulled over a folding chair and offered it to me.
"It's not exactly fit for a celebrity, but it is private," he said.
"It's fine," I said, taking a seat.
"You're not quite sure yet how you are going to deal with all of this, are you?" he asked. He looked very well groomed and handsome in his black pants, white shirt and tie.
"No, but I think these girls are setting themselves up for a lot of heartbreak." I smiled at him. "You on the other hand could probably do quite well for yourself here."
"What do you mean?" he said, shaking his head, then standing still. "Oh, I get it. Yeah."
"Edward, what was up with you and that guy on stage earlier? It looked like you were telling him to go fuck himself."
Edward bit his lower lip. "It was nothing, I just don't really like him."
"Is he causing problems for you. To you want me to see if I know anyone who could have him killed?"
"No," he laughed. "It's really not that serious." He looked at his watch, and I couldn't help but notice that the strap looked a bit worn. "I have to go backstage." He patted me on the shoulder and walked away. The theater darkened and I settled into my uncomfortable chair, comfortable in my solitude.
Edward's performance was magnificent. I could see the jazz aficionados in the audience sitting mesmerized, occasionally whispering to each other. Watching his hands dance effortlessly across the keys, I think I fully realized just what a talented kid he was. I didn't know how to market a piano player in the 21st century, but I pledged to myself that I would find out.
"Excellent job," I said, shaking his hand after the concert. "Come on, I'm taking you to dinner."
"Dinner? Aw, I should probably go back and study," he said. "But thanks."
"I'm not doing it for you," I laughed. "I have no social life at the moment so my family is going to have to pick up the slack." I laughed again and he laughed too, saying if that if that were the case then he would have to tag along.
I took him to my favorite dim sum restaurant, which happened to be near his school. After we had ordered, I remembered that it was the same restaurant I had been on my way to with JC when I had stopped the car and ran out of it. It was the night Liza took her own life.
"What's the matter?" Edward asked, noticing my pained expression.
"Nothing," I said, sipping my water.
"Ghosts?" he said, looking very perceptive all of the sudden.
"Yeah," I nodded, giving him a slight smirk.
"Well," he began. "No one is miserable their entire life are they?"
"No," I said, looking up at him and noticing his own brief pained expression. "Are we talking about me or you?" I asked, suddenly concerned.
Edward looked down and shook his head. "It's nothing. Really. It's not even worth talking about."
"Edward, I'm not dad, you can tell me anything and I won't flip out. I promise." It probably wasn't true, but it was definitely the right thing to say.
"Maybe later," he said, rubbing his hands together. "I'm starving."
We had a pleasant dinner, though now my mind was imagining a million horrible things that Edward could tell me. He was too old to force him to talk, but too young to handle things completely on his own. The only decision I could arrive at was to start spending more time with him.
"You know," I said to him in the cab on the way back to his dormitory. "You can come and stay at my place whenever you want. You may prefer it to the crappy dorm."
"Thanks," he said. "But it's not so bad. My roommate has a girlfriend so he's never there. I have a lot of time to myself."
"Too much time?" I asked.
"Nate, I should have told you this at dinner, but I didn't want to upset you." He looked very serious and I started to prepare myself for what he might say.
"What is it?" I asked.
"Um, God you are going to be so mad."
"Edward, I won't be mad, just tell me."
"Um, well, I, uh, I've been emailing Josh."
"What?" I yelled. I wasn't mad so much as shocked.
"I'll stop," he said immediately, starting to talk very quickly. "I'll tell him that I am not going to email him anymore. It's just that we've been emailing each other since I met him at home, and just neither of us stopped." He looked at me for a moment. "We never talk about you, but I realize now that it's probably disloyal of me to keep talking to him."
I thought for a moment. "Edward, it's no big deal. Why shouldn't you talk to him if you want? We're not enemies and in reality, I guess it's pretty nice of him to keep talking to you." I was quiet again for a minute. "What do you guys talk about?"
"Just music," he said. "He runs ideas by me and asks me what I think of different stuff he's working on. I think he thinks I'm a more legitimate musician than him, which I tell him is silly. I mean," he looked like he was almost talking to himself, "some of his stuff is really catchy and I think that's a talent all of its own." He looked up at me. "But I'll tell him that I can't talk anymore."
"Edward, you don't have to do that," I said sternly. "I don't want you to." I realized that it was probably still quite impressive to Edward to have this kind of relationship with a celebrity, and I didn't want to be the one to spoil it for him. "You are as free an individual as Josh is. If you guys have your own things to talk about, that's fine with me."
"Really?" he said, his eyes looking hopeful. The cab stopped outside of his dorm. "Are you sure?" I nodded and he leaned over to give me a hug. "Thanks, Nate. I'm really sorry I didn't tell you sooner."
"Don't worry about it, you've got a lot on your mind." He nodded and stepped out of the car, thanking me for dinner and then hurrying inside.
The cab made its way toward my apartment and I sat there completely bewildered. Just when I thought that he was out of my life completely, I find out that he talks to my brother on a regular basis. Part of me wanted to think it was because he didn't want to let me go, but the other part of me knew that he was a decent person who wouldn't want to unfairly hurt Edward's feelings. Climbing out of the cab and heading into my building, I also had another thought. When Edward asked me about whether someone could be miserable his entire life, it couldn't have been in reference to his revelation in the cab. It wasn't that big of a deal. There had to be something else.
"Could I see that one?" I asked pointing into the glass case. The salesperson reached in and pulled out the watch I had indicated, handing it to me for inspection.
"Very nice," I said, looking at it closely. It had a thick, black leather band and the body was made entirely of platinum. Clear, square diamonds elegantly surrounded the face and stood in place of the numerals.
"All of the parts were made in Italy," the salesman stated proudly.
"How much is it?" I asked, not so much caring as just needing to know. I was totally sold on it.
"Ten-thousand," he said. I looked up at him with wide eyes, not so much because I was surprised, but more because I was impressed with myself for being able to buy it so easily.
"Do you take Visa?" I asked, trying not to grin too stupidly.
I stepped out of the 5th Avenue store, quite elated. Walking down the street without any particular direction, I realized that it actually wasn't freezing out. In fact, it was fairly nice and sunny. I headed down to Times Square with the intention of updating my music collection. Contrary to popular opinion, my tastes extended beyond boy-bands.
Inside the Virgin MegaStore, surrounded by people and with blaring music pumping, I contemplated the fact that I might be getting old. Heads kept turning to look at me and I wondered how much longer I would be able to walk the streets of Manhattan by myself. Go back the theater, a voice inside my head said. Do what you love and live in peace and privacy. Then I thought about the watch in the bag I was holding, and realized that I should probably give the movies a few more tries.
I was browsing the rock section when the new NSYNC song came out of the speakers, along with video on the different screens throughout the store. More and more people began to stare as they connected me with the guy in the video and I found myself feeling suddenly claustrophobic. I had heard the song a million times by this point, but when JC's voice emerged during the second verse, my head started spinning. It sounded so close, so clear, and suddenly it was like he was the only thing I could see. His face on the TV screens, his picture on the posters throughout the store. I found myself being overcome with emotion and started running down the stairs, past the café and into the rest room. No one was inside and I locked myself in a stall feeling the tears start to move down my face. "Oh God," I said out loud, cupping my face in my hands. I missed him. I really missed him.
No one seemed to notice that the "next big thing" in Hollywood was crying in the bathroom of a record store, and I was quite thankful for that. I was making my way home, realizing that I was in no condition to be walking the streets if I was given to sudden outbursts of sadness. I threw my keys onto the table that was now much too small for the room it was in and reminded myself again that I needed furniture. It would have been easier just to higher a decorator. Maggie kept telling me to hire this guy that was on the Oprah show all the time, but I felt like it was something that I should be able to do on my own. The apartment was classically modern, and I thought that the furniture should reflect that. I didn't want to have a penthouse that looked like a 19th century French chateau or something that might be beautiful but impractical.
The front desk of my building called to say that a package had arrived and was being sent up. It crossed my mind that it could be from JC, but in reality I didn't really think he was going to mail me something. It turned out to be the script to the new film I had agreed to do. I actually thought it was very funny when I read the first draft of it, and I hoped the new version had the same spontaneity to it. While I was playing a straight guy in a romantic comedy, the funny twist in it was that the female character keeps encountering the male character in funny situations that make her think he is gay. I thought it was a good choice in that it would continue to keep people as confused as they already were about me.
I changed into some comfortable clothes and curled up on the couch with the script. To my surprise it was still delightful and I wondered how it had survived the Hollywood treatment. I was hoping that it would be a fun experience, and considering my experience making my last film, it would be hard for it not be great fun by pure comparison.
I had earlier invited Edward over for dinner with the intention of cooking, but now I decided that we would just order out. Despite my worries about him, I enjoyed his company and was somewhat shocked to see how easy it was to feel like he was my brother.
Edward arrived looking happy, if pensive. "This looks, well, pretty bare," he joked as I showed him around.
"Hey," I joked back. "Since I moved in I've probably only lived here for like ten days."
"That's right," he said. "I guess you can be forgiven then."
We ordered food and decided to eat it on the couch flipping threw the hundreds of stations I had, finding nothing of interest.
"How about a 'Trading Spaces' marathon?" I suggested with little enthusiasm.
"Won't that just make you feel bad about your apartment?" Edward asked.
"You're probably right," I said, continuing to channel surf. "Maybe I should just get a decorator. My friend keeps telling me to hire this guy that's been on Oprah."
"Nate Berkus?" Edward offered.
"I don't know," I said. "Could be. Wait." I thought for a second. "How do you know who he is?"
"Oh," Edward said. "I like Oprah."
I continued looking at the TV. "You continue to surprise me, Edward," I smiled. I wanted to ask him if JC had written him, and was contemplating emailing or calling JC myself when Edward turned to me, looking very serious.
"Do you think that if you think about something, it has to be true?" he asked.
"Edward, you keep asking me these cryptic questions that I don't know how to answer." I looked at him closely. "Why don't you just tell me what's on your mind?"
Edward looked at me for a while, then adjusted himself on the couch so that he was facing me, his right leg tucked underneath him. "Something happened when I was in Colorado." I was starting to get really worried but knew I had to stay calm if I wanted him to tell me.
"Ok," I said.
"You know that guy you saw talking to me at the show last night?" I nodded. "Well, it was his house that a bunch of us went to stay at over the winter break."
"Ok," I said again.
"Well," his voice was very quiet and he looked like he really wanted to abandon the whole thing, but he pressed on. "Well, on New Year's we were all up pretty late, and everyone was getting really drunk. Not me, I haven't drank since that night you found me outside your window." I was relieved to hear that. "So sooner or later people started going to bed or passing out or whatever, and then it was just me and Mike." Ideas started spinning around my head, suggesting where this story was headed, but I just kept listening.
"Well, we were on the couch talking about something, I don't really remember, when he suddenly leaned over and started kissing me." He looked horrified to even be saying it.
"Oh my," I said, thinking that this must have been very confusing for him. He looked back at me with his big blue eyes, much darker than my own, wondering if he should go on. I nodded.
"Well," he continued. "At first, I didn't know what to do, I was so confused that I just sat there for a few moments and let him kiss me. But then the next thing I knew his hands were all over me and he was grabbing at my pants." Edward's face was starting to redden and I could tell he was struggling to put his thoughts together.
"So what did you do?" I asked.
"I ended up shoving him off me. And when he came back trying to do it again I kind of well, punched him."
"You punched him?"
"Yeah, I did." He sounded as shocked at his reaction as I was. I wondered if I was going to have to deal with the possibility of my brother being a gay basher.
"Well," I began. "That's ok, I mean, he was touching you without your permission and he didn't seem to be stopping. Why are you so worried about it?"
"I haven't finished yet," he said, playing with his shoelace.
"Oh, ok. Continue."
"After I hit him he started, like, yelling at me, telling me that he knew I wanted him, that he saw the way I looked at him and that I should just admit it. He still keeps coming up to me and saying stuff like that. That's what he was saying at the concert."
"Jesus," I said, pushing my hair away from my forehead. "He sounds like some fucking asshole."
"He is, but...well, I guess that's not really the point." Every time Edward's story reached a climax and I thought it was over, there always seemed to be something more.
"Nate," he said, his voice growing even weaker. He kept playing with his shoes and I could see perspiration developing on his forehead. I placed my hand over his to let him know that whatever he said would be ok. "God, this is so stupid," he said, moisture building in his eyes. "I mean, you of all people are going to think I'm so stupid for making such a big deal about all of this."
I knew what he had just said was some kind of clue, and part of me knew where this was going, but it was the other part that refused to let me jump to conclusions. "Edward," I said as he wiped at his face. "You could tell me you sewed your head to the carpet and I wouldn't think you were stupid. Now just relax and tell me."
"Maybe I should just go think about this some more," he said, looking like he was getting up to leave."
"Whoa, no," I said, placing my hand on his knee, easing him back down onto the couch. "Let's just get it all out."
He looked at me for a moment, panic running over his face. "Nate," he began. "He wasn't right about what he said about me, but, I, uh, I don't think he was completely wrong either." Tears were running down his face now and I thought my eyes were going to dry out from being opened so wide for so long.
"You don't think?" I repeated, needing some clarification.
He looked at me for a while, biting his lower lip. "I think I did want to do those things," he said, staring down at the couch. "Just, uh, just not with him."
I was shocked at myself for being in a state of shock, but if I was understanding what Edward was saying correctly, I think he was telling me that he was gay. I looked at him, knowing that I had to say something very quickly or else he might just expire right on the couch. "Ok," I said. "But you're not sure if you have these feelings?"
"No," he said. I mean I don't know. Maybe. I guess so."
"Edward, it's not something you have to be definite about either way right now, it's all whole process and you don't have to make any choices you're not ready for."
"I know," he said. "I've seen all the TV movies and read all the articles, but I just don't know if I want to start having to think about all of this. I don't think I want to deal with any of it."
"No one is going to force you into some group, so don't worry about it. Gay, straight, bi, tri, whatever, you can deal with it when you are ready."
"This is so stupid though," he said. "I mean how can I pretend this is a big deal when you're gay. I mean, I've known you were gay since I've known you, and I've already seen that nobody has a problem with you."
"But you're not me, Edward. It's a little different when you have to look in the mirror and wonder what people are going to think about you."
"How is this even possible?" he said, his eyebrows twisting. "I mean, we must be some statistical anomaly. I think I've been telling myself I couldn't be gay because you are."
I didn't know of any gay siblings, but I supposed it had to happen sometimes. I thought briefly about how happy my dad was going to be when he found out he had two gay sons, and almost wanted to start laughing. The poor guy never did have a kid to play football with. "So you didn't just start thinking about this stuff when this ass made a move on you?"
"No," he said. "It just seemed to bring it all front and center. I started thinking that if I was gay that I probably should like this guy, but I don't and I didn't want him touching me."
"Edward, just because he's gay doesn't make him acceptable for someone like you. Believe me, there are just as many gay jerks as there are straight ones."
"But if I'm gay, aren't I supposed to want to go to bars and to hook up with people I don't know?"
"Edward," I laughed. "What websites have you been looking at? I mean, you could do those things, but I don't think it's your personality."
"But now I don't know who I am," he said, looking to me for guidance. Obviously this was stuff that I had thought long and hard about myself, but it was difficult to articulate to someone else, particularly someone I cared deeply about.
"Edward, and I'm saying this as someone older and more experienced, but don't go and make the mistake of making this your identity. Everything you are now is wonderful and is very much who you are. This is part of you, not all of you." He was listening intently. "No one is born the day they come out or whatever you want to call it. Just let this be an interesting journey, one that you should take seriously, but one that you should be confident will have a successful outcome. I promise you that you won't always feel the way you do now."
He smiled at me and nodded. "I know," he said, shaking his head. "Intellectually I know. I mean, you've been a great example to me, it's just the emotional parts that are kind of hard to make sense of sometimes." I knew that I was some sort of a role model to Edward, but realizing that I was also his gay role model and that he knew I had cheated on my boyfriend made me want to jump off the balcony I had paid so much for. We sat there quietly for a few moments, the silence being broken with Edward blurting out: "So I'm probably gay, right?"
"Well," I laughed. "We'll have to see, but you're probably not straight." He gave me a quizzical look. "I only say that because I think you know yourself pretty well, and I don't think you would be this worried if it was just a passing thought."
"It's not a passing thought," he laughed, though he probably didn't want to.
"Are you attracted to girls?" I decided to ask him, thinking that if I treated this all very casually then he would to.
"I think they are really nice," he said, looking down again.
"Nice as in you would like to see how nice their naked bodies are, or nice as in you would love to go shopping with them and help them pick out things to wear?" I started laughing and Edward laughed too.
"Are those my only options?" he asked, smiling. "Because at the moment I don't want to do either."
"What about your little girlfriend?"
"Gabby?" he said. "I never went to bed with Gabby."
"But did you want to?"
"I don't know, I mean she was definitely the 'wait until marriage' type, but that certainly didn't bother me at all. I felt relieved actually, but I'm not sure if it was because I didn't want to have sex with her or because I didn't want to have sex with any woman."
"Well, let's just see how it goes, ok?"
"Ok," he said reluctantly. "I guess it's better to deal with this all now while I still have the energy." He got up to leave but I told him he was staying over and that there was no arguing about it. I gave him some sheets and a pillow for the couch, followed by a hug.
"You're going to be just fine," I said, messing up his hair, feeling very paternal for a moment. "Now get some rest and we'll talk more tomorrow." Edward said goodnight and I headed into my room, exhaling deeply for what felt like the first time this evening. I was emotionally drained from talking, knowing that each word I said was vitally important. Overall, I was quite impressed with myself. I stayed calm and collected, and I really think that Edward did feel better. I had never factored in the possibility of having a gay brother, but now that I knew, it was as though it was all that I had known.
Laying on my back, my hands behind my head, I watched the moonlight dance across the walls through the cracks in the blinds. Helping Edward had forced me not to think about my own problems, and in a way it was a welcome relief. I had forgotten about my breakdown earlier in the day, but now it was slowly coming back to me. I wondered what JC could have offered to my discussion with Edward, but told myself to stop picturing every situation as though he was in it. Up until today I had been happy with my decision, confident that it was better for JC to figure things out on his own. I supposed it was possible that he was still thinking, but as the weeks passed it seemed more likely that he had made his decision.
Today I had felt my resolve weakening and laying in bed, I admit thinking about calling him. I didn't know what I would say, and I knew that it would never result in any satisfaction, but I lay there, fantasizing about calling him and hearing him tell me that he was sorry and that he loved me. I knew that the guys were finishing up their European tour, but didn't know what was next for them. I was scheduled to go to LA to start filming in about a week. I wanted to believe that there was love in romance in my future, but told myself to start considering the possibility that it might be with someone else.
I awoke to blaring noise and hurried out of my bedroom to find Edward staring at the remote control to the television, trying to figure out how to use it.
"Sorry," he said, handing it over to me. I took it from him and lowered the volume. "I was just trying to check the weather."
"Don't worry about it," I said. "I had to get up anyway." I didn't actually have anything planned, but I felt like I probably should.
"Aren't you tired," Edward said, folding the sheets I had given him the night before. "I mean you've been working for a month and just got back. Shouldn't you take a vacation or something?" I was tired but understood that acting wasn't exactly like a nine to five job. In actuality, I was probably on the set much longer than that on a daily basis, but there were so many breaks and it was so much fun that I didn't really notice. I told Edward that I was actually leaving in a week to start my next movie, and he seemed rather impressed with my stamina.
"I should get back to school," he said, gathering up his stuff."
"Ok," I said. "Are you still alright with everything we talked about?"
"Yeah," he said. "I'm just going to try to not think about it too much right now. I have mid-terms coming up."
"Ok," I laughed. "Well, give me a call if you need to talk or just come over. You can feel free to stay here while I'm gone."
"Thanks," he said. "I'll see."
Edward left and I was just starting to wonder what life was going to have in store for the kid when my phone rang. It was my publicist, Karen, asking me if I could go down to MTV today and make an appearance on TRL.
"No way," I said. "I'm not a pop star." I also didn't want to be asked any more questions about NSYNC.
"Nathan," she said, "You're the reason the video is doing so well and all of the fans have been dying to hear you talk. I really think it would be a good idea."
"But I don't want to." I was whining.
"Nathan, the acting is only one factor of your success. Don't you want to give it your all?" I kept finding myself in this position and I kept coming to the realization that this was important stuff to do.
"Can we pre-screen their questions?" I asked her, hoping that I could guarantee that no one would ask me about JC or my fight with Justin.
"I'll check with them and get back to you," Karen said. "But I wouldn't worry too much about it. "The people at MTV also just managed to get NSYNC on the show via satellite from Germany, so I think it will just be some banter between you and the guys."
"Jesus Christ, I don't want to do that!" I yelled into the phone. Karen didn't know of the nature of my relationship with the band and I didn't really plan on telling her. She couldn't understand why I was so upset, but the idea of talking to JC for the first time in over a month, on television via satellite no less, didn't seem at all like a good idea.
"Come on Nathan, it will be five minutes and then you can go back to doing whatever it is you want to do. I'll get back to you in an hour or so." She hung up the phone and I stood there, momentarily paralyzed. Could this at all be a good idea? I wondered if maybe a neutral meeting might relieve some of the tension caused by our lack of communication. Maybe seeing him would make him rethink things. I decided that I would see how it went, that in the end I couldn't really do any more damage to the relationship than I already had.
Unexpectedly, Edward called me around noon and I told him that I was going to be on TRL later in the day. "Can I come?" he asked, his voice sounding very excited, even though I told him how nervous I was about it.
"Are you a big TRL fan, Edward?" I laughed, shocked by his enthusiasm. "I don't really want to do it."
"You have to," he stuttered. "I think it's a really good idea, and I think it would be awesome to see it behind the scenes."
"Well, ok," I said, thinking I shouldn't do anything to dampen his spirits. "Come on over and we can head over there together."
"Great," he said. "Make sure you look really cool."
"Do you think you really have to remind me to do that?"
We arrived around three in the afternoon, and given the time and the temperature, I was able to just walk into the studio without encountering a throng of fans.
"They'll be here soon enough," a production assistant laughed, leading Edward and I toward the green room. Edward looked like he was positively beaming and if I wasn't so wrapped up in my own thoughts at the moment, I would have asked him why.
I left Edward to go and get my make-up and hair done, as well as meet with one of the hosts, Damien.
"Don't worry, man," Damien said, shaking my hand. "I'm not going to do anything to embarrass you out there. We really appreciate you and the guys doing this on such short notice. The band we had originally set up for today totally screwed us over."
"No problem," I said. "I'm glad I could help out." He explained to me that the show was pretty free-form, that he would invite me on in the first segment, ask me some questions about the video and the movie, then bring on the group in the second segment.
"Sounds fine," I lied. Damien left and the make-up artist told me I was done. I looked into the mirror, shocked that now even I could not tell how tired I was. I had decided on a well-worn pair of jeans, a tight, long-sleeved t-shirt and a suede jacket. I was pretty sure that people were going to like what they saw.
"Edward, Damien asked me if you wanted to sit it in the audience," I said, walking back into the green room.
"Oh no," he smiled. "I'm fine back here. I'll watch on the monitor." We talked for a while and in the next hour I was introduced to the other hosts of the show, leaving me wondering just how many people it took to oversee a one-hour variety show. Before I knew it, I was being asked to get ready and I was surprised at how nervous I was. I had never been nervous about performing, so I figured it had more to do with confronting JC. I didn't know what I would say or what he would say, but I hoped that it would go all right.
"Soon to be seen in the movie 'In the Fog,' and being seen here daily at the number one spot on TRL, give it up for Nathaniel Murray!" I walked onto the stage, and was surprised at how small it was in reality. Kids were screaming and reaching their hands out for me to shake as I headed toward Damien. I shook some hands and smiled politely.
"Welcome to our little show," Damien said, shaking my hand. "Come check out your fans outside," he said gesturing toward the full-length windows. Now that I was standing up I realized that Damien was really tall, and wondered if that made me look shorter than I was.
"My fans?" I laughed. "I don't know about that." I walked over to the window and was surprised to see that there were actually a few people holding signs with my name on it. Most of them were for NSYNC though. I guess the kids were hoping that their signs from below would be seen by the guys in Germany.
Damien asked me how I was doing and asked me a few questions about the movie. I was as charming as possible, and it seemed like the crowd was enjoying my responses.
"What do you think of the video? Did you enjoy making it?"
"Yes, I said. "It was really cool, obviously something that I have never done before. But it was an interesting challenge to try and create some type of emotion in such a short amount of time." I turned to the audience. "What do you guys think of it?" They all started screaming again and I started to laugh. It was an interesting power to wield.
Damien asked me where I was from, producing more cheers from the audience when I said that I was a native New Yorker. He asked me if I was going to be staying in New York and I said, "Absolutely."
"You know, and I'm not embarrassed to say this," Damien said into the camera. "But you are a very good looking guy, sir," Damien said, turning back to me, causing me to blush. Everyone started screaming again and I shook my head and thanked him.
"We've got to take a break," Damien laughed, slapping me on the back, "but when we get back we are going to be joined by the guys of NSYNC, live from Germany. Stay tuned." A voice announced that we had gone to commercial and Damien thanked me for being such a good sport.
"This is fun," I said. "Is it almost over?"
"Yeah," he said. "You can take off after this next segment." My mind was spinning at the thought of seeing JC. I didn't know how the satellite hook-up worked. I assumed that I would be able to see them, but that they wouldn't be able to see me. JC was only going to hear my voice.
We came back from commercial and I could feel my heart pounding. It was strange that the audience had no idea what a dramatic moment this was going to be. Damien introduced the band and they appeared on the video screen, sitting in some type of conference room. Wait a minute, I thought to myself. One, two, three, four...one of them was missing. My heart sank. JC wasn't there.
"Hey, where's JC?" Damien asked.
"He couldn't be here," Lance said. Damien didn't seem to care about pressing the issue and told the guys that I was there and to say hello. They all said 'hi' in unison, and I said 'hi guys' back to them, thinking how funny it was that at least two of the four guys couldn't stand me. People watching at home were probably completely jealous, thinking that we all hung out and partied together all the time. We talked back and forth but I can't remember what was said. I couldn't believe that JC was so hurt that he couldn't even show up for the interview. It made me feel really bad.
Before I knew it, Damien had said goodbye to the guys and thanked me for stopping by. It was over and I was free to go. I breathed a sigh of relief and waved goodbye to everyone as I headed back to the green room, preparing myself for another night of depression.
"Has anyone seen my brother?" I asked the assistant in the green room.
"Oh," she began. "He asked production if they could bring a car over for you. Now that the fans are here, he said that you might want that so you don't get mobbed. He's probably down in it now."
"Oh, ok. Thanks," I said, surprised at Edward's forwardness. I laughed, thinking how it didn't seem to be taking him long to start behaving like a celebrity's relative. I headed downstairs and was led outside into the alley where a large black SUV awaited me. I really needed someone to talk to, and I knew that Edward would be just as upset as I was that JC wasn't there. "So did you like the show?" I asked, stepping into the car, sounding a bit defeated.
"I didn't get to see it," a voice responded, though it wasn't Edward's. I turned to my left in complete shock, thinking that I must have finally lost my mind. I reached over with my hand and lightly poked the shoulder of the man sitting next to me.
"Josh?"
He looked back at me. I thought he was about to smile, but instead, tears started welling up in his eyes. "I missed you so much," he said. I still wasn't convinced that I wasn't dreaming. He leaned over and pressed his head against my shoulder, nuzzling himself in my neck. "I can't be away from you anymore." He started to cry and before I knew it, I was crying too. I cupped his face in my hands and pulled it in front of my own. I had a million questions to ask him. I wanted to ask him if we were back together now, if he loved me, if all was forgiven. I also wanted to know how he had managed to arrange this Edward. I stared into his blue eyes, brilliant as sapphires, in complete disbelief that they were so close. I was feeling his flesh, his hair, his breath on my face. There would be time for questions later. I pressed my lips against his and hugged him to me. His arms wrapped tightly against my back. I remembered that I had once promised myself that I would never hurt him. I couldn't change the past, but I knew that I would have no problem honoring my word in the future.
To be continued