Enjoy the story! Things are starting to look up for our characters. I hope I've dragged it out enough for you. Jason's point of view will not be appearing in this chapter. I want to focus on Shaun's character, his past, and his feelings for Jason.
Okay, these characters are not meant to resemble any living or dead person. I make no apology to anyone who is offended by anything in this story.
Let me know what you think of the story by emailing me at Hnstskr4@aol.com
Copyright 2008 by Chuck B.
Jason and Shaun
Chapter 5
Love's Anguish
I arrived home after the being out for the evening. As I entered the building, Miss White greeted me at the door before I made it to the apartment.
"Shaun, I need to speak to you now!"
"Why? Can I at least grab something to eat first?"
I really wanted to grab a something to eat. There was also something to her voice. She wanted to talk to me about something big that could only be my feelings for Jason. I know what my feelings are telling me. Miss White is going to spring something on me. I can feel it in every fiber of my body.
Her face said it all. She didn't need to say, "No!" I turned and followed her into her apartment. I sat down and she sat down, too. She reached out her right hand and placed it on my shoulder. Rarely have I seen her so serious. She looked at me and took a deep breath.
"Jason was over today to talk to me about you."
Why would he go to her? Why not just talk to me? I don't understand it. What was he hoping to get out of it? I shouldn't worry about it. She'll tell me. I may not like it, but she'll tell me.
"So what did he talk about with you?" I want to know what was discussed in their visit.
"Shaun, he talked about you!"
I guess that I didn't realize that I was that interesting that he should want to talk about me. Couldn't he just talk to me about it? Maybe I'm ready to talk.
"Jason knows that you're holding back on him. I can't blame him for coming to me."
If she can't blame him, I sure can. If I'm holding back on him and he knows it. Then again, I have to ask why he didn't come to me. Yeah, I'm holding something back. I'm holding back how I feel for the man who is currently sharing my home. I'm still afraid of losing what I have. Though I get the feeling that maybe I'm only hurting myself holding back.
"He knows that you love him. He heard you talking with someone on the phone and heard you tell that person that you love him."
"Wait, you mean he was listening in on my conversation?"
She frowned a little bit as the words left my mouth. I knew exactly what was about to come out of her mouth.
"Wait one minute young man, didn't you listen in on his conversation?"
I didn't want to answer her. I'm not going to answer her either. When she realized that I was not about to respond to that question, she continued talking.
"Shaun, you have to tell him! I mean come on; you already know that Jason is gay. So why hold back?"
Why must I be forced to spill my guts? If he already knows that I love him, can't we go on from there? I wasn't meant to answer her question. She got ready to keep talking.
"Shaun? I know what he made you for breakfast and it was pretty special. He was really trying to impress you, and you totally blew it off."
I just figured it was to celebrate my opening up to him. To me, it was a big deal. Hmm? Now the question is does he blame me for my actions? If I was him, I would be upset. Now where else is this little visit going to take me?
She still was not smiling. I could see her mind running a mile a minute. When she gets like this, I know that I'm in trouble.
"Do you act funny around April?"
"Look Miss White, I already know that April isn't his girlfriend. Yeah, I guess that for a short time that I acted weird around her."
She opened her mouth yet again to talk to me. I'm beginning to feel that this visit is just a chance for her to unload on me. She seems to be just rehashing stuff that I already know about Jason and me.
"He also told me about you spying on him and his friend. I know your family would disown you for coming out but my question to you is, do you love him?"
Love him? I care for him more than I do myself. I love him with all my heart. I have said it before but I've felt something for him since the day that he entered my apartment.
"I've felt something for him since the day he moved in with me. At first maybe it was lust, but it's now something much larger than lust. What I feel for him now can only be described as love."
She seemed to question what I just said.
"So if you love him, why not just tell him?"
I am not sure why I haven't told him how I feel. Okay, so he heard me say that I love him, but I haven't told him how I feel just yet.
"I guess, I was scared that he would reject me at first. I was jealous of April and him at first, and honestly, I believed that they were dating. When I was caught listening to the conversation, I was only trying to see if he might have been talking about me."
Yeah, I knew that I was wrong, but I guess I didn't think about it. Now I have to face that decision and I am truly sorry for that decision. Miss White looked at me and just shook her head.
"Look Shaun, if you don't tell him how you feel, you're going to lose him. You need to accept April as his friend. If you don't figure this out, you are going to chase him away. I think that the pain you experienced from that experience with Payton is still bothering you."
I've faced the pains of that experience many times since it happened. Maybe deep down inside, I've not been able to let go of the hurt. I'm sure she is right, but I don't need my shortcomings pointed out to me. I am also very much aware of the fact that I've been acting like a fool.
"Shaun, I am going to say this again, you need to tell him how you feel before you lose him."
I put my head between my legs, paused and then came back up. I wanted to cry. I didn't know that I was being so stupid. It really just felt like he wasn't interested in me. Jason is the last person that I want to lose in my life. When I looked at her face, I could see the smile beaming across her face. She could see my sorrow washing down my face. I look at her and start to talk.
"I don't want to lose him. You know, he's is someone that I could spend the rest of my life with. I suppose only time will tell exactly what's going to happen between us but I don't want to say goodbye. I guess that I had better sit down with Jason and tell him what's going on."
She stood up and patted me on the back.
"Would you like to have some reheated dinner?"
She's perfectly willing to share what was left of her dinner. She had cooked some chicken and noodles, green beans, and some rice.
"You don't have to do that. I can heat up something from home."
"I don't mind, really! Shaun, you need to eat."
She went into the kitchen and heated up the food. When the microwave alarm went off, she brought the food out to me. She sat on her couch and worked on a crossword puzzle while I ate. This woman has greatly blessed my life. She's helped more times than I can count. I took the plate into the kitchen and washed the dishes for her. I immediately told her thanks and left to go home to see Jason. The apartment was quiet. I checked his bedroom and sure enough, he was fast asleep. Once my body touched the bed, tears started to run down my face. I cried myself to sleep with tears of joy.