Greetings everyone,
Well... Happy New Year to everybody!!! Hope everyone's holiday whether it was Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Winter Solstice or whatever, was a peaceful one.
It's been two weeks since the last posting because like I thought last week was just too crazy. Plus I wanted put some extra time into this chapter. I haven't much else to say... so I'll shut up and not say anything more!! : )
As usual: This story is purely fiction and is not intended to imply anything about the true sexuality of 'N Sync or anyone associated with their organization. It is meant for those over the age of 18 only and those who wish to read stories with sexual content.
from last time:
The doorbell sounded and Jamie got up to answer it. "I'll get it," he reassured Justin and made his way to the door. He stood in shocked silence at the figure on the doorstep.
"Hi, Jamie. I'd like to speak to you and Justin, if I could."
Jamie stood unmoving in bewilderment.
"Sweet pea, who is it?" Justin asked coming to the door. He stopped dead and turned deathly pale. "Daddy?"
The Dreams That You Dared To Dream - Chapter Thirteen
"Hello, Justin," Randall Timberlake said stiffly.
"Please come in, Mr. Timberlake," Jamie finally said remembering his manners. If Jamie didn't know any better he'd swear Randall was nervous.
Randall moved through the door and into the livingroom. "Please call me Randall. Your mother told me you had a nice house, Justin, and I agree."
"Thanks."
Just then Zack came into the room. "Jamie, the guys want to go out for some mini-golf and wanted to know if you and Justin were interested." He stopped when he saw they weren't alone. "Oh sorry, didn't know anyone was here."
Chris came into the room right behind him not seeing Randall at first. "We can get some ice cream after, then hang out at Lance and Josh's and play pool or some..." he trailed off when he saw Randall standing by the loveseat. "Oh, hi there Randall," he said meekly. "Well, why don't we just go and do that and you can catch up to us a little later. Come on, Zack," he said grabbing Zack's arm, both heading back into the kitchen.
"Who is that and why are you all acting strange all of a sudden?" Zack asked quietly as Chris led him away. Chris' answer was lost as they left the room.
Randall gave a small amused smile. The three stood looking at each other for a long minute. "Would you like something to drink, Mr. Tim... um, Randall?" Jamie asked.
"No, thank you."
All the guys made their way through to the front door greeting and saying goodbye to Justin's father as they went. JC gave Justin a small hug of encouragement while Lance whispered to Jamie. "Call me later, ok?" Jamie nodded back to him.
"So you guys call us when you get done and we can meet up later, alright?" Chris asked hopefully.
"Sure, Chris," Justin answered. "Have fun and bring Zack back in one piece, ok?"
"You bet," Joey said waving as they went out the door.
"I see they haven't changed much," Randall observed. "Who's that other guy, Zack?"
"He's a friend of mine from college, Randall. He's visiting for a few days."
Randall nodded and the phone rang. "Justin, why don't you get it. It might be important, I can wait until you're done," Randall said.
Justin nodded warily and went into the kitchen to take the call. Randall looked on the mantle at the knick knacks there. He pointed to one of the Hummel-like figurines in a glass case. "The guitar player, if I remember that's pretty rare."
Jamie nodded. "It was my grandmother's," he said sadly. "I've been told it's pretty valuable now. She got it when she was very young."
Randall looked at the blown up picture of Justin and Jamie above the mantle, a larger copy of the one Jamie had given Justin for his birthday. He turned his head away quickly and moved over to the piano and looked at the pictures there. Justin and Jamie had recently placed a whole bunch of pictures of their families, the guys and themselves in a neat arrangement on the closed lid when they realized the mantle couldn't hold them all.
"Jamie," Randall finally said, "in spite of whatever happened between Lynn and I, you should know that I still care about what happens to my son."
"I don't doubt that."
"I haven't always been very comfortable with the choices his mother has made for him, but he's always seemed to come out ahead and I've kept my peace." Randall paused. "So I feel I have to say something about this lifestyle choice he has made."
"Oh?" Jamie questioned. "And what makes you think this is a choice?"
"I'd like to hear your answer to that," Justin said returning to the room. He stood behind one couch, his posture screaming conflict. Jamie winced a little knowing a loud, angry confrontation with Randall would be the worst thing at this point.
"Don't you take that tone of voice with me, young man. I'm still your father." Randall's tone was soft but firm.
Justin looked at his father defeated. Never in his life had he yet to stand up to Randall, he never had any reason to, and now that he needed to be strong he found it very difficult. "I wish now I had never told you," he said softly coming around to sit on the couch.
Jamie half leaned, half sat on the arm of the loveseat. This wasn't starting out well and he felt extremely uncomfortable.
"But you'd prefer to lie to me? What about your fans, management, the label? Are you lying to them as well?" Randall paused looking in Justin's face for a reaction. "I can see that some people already know. How long before others find out and ruin your career?"
"Nothing says it has to ruin my career. There are plenty of gay people that have wonderful careers, look at Elton John."
"That's beside the point. You can't be gay. It's just not possible and not acceptable. It's beyond me why you would choose this knowing how people feel about it."
"Dad, you're not listening. This ISN'T a choice."
"Don't start with that," Randall's voice was rising, feeling Justin's resistance. "It's morally wrong and a sin, you know that. This is a temptation that must be ignored. You are -choosing- to give in to it and ignore what God intends."
Randall was starting to get agitated. He continued, his voice rising with every sentence as he paced back and forth. "Lisa and I have talked and maybe that doctor I told you about isn't the best idea. So I want you to start counseling with a minister of the faith to see if you can't get back to the Lord. No son of mine is going to be queer. I just will not have it. You want me to be proud of you? There's just no way possible with this. All I want is a son that I can show to others with pride and say 'That's my boy!' But no, you have to go into the -business- which is hardly respectable itself."
Justin sat in silence, shrunk in on himself, tears streaming down his cheeks. Jamie's heart broke to see him looking so defeated. Jamie had heard enough. With each word his anger rose another level as Randall verbally attacked Justin. His protectiveness of Justin pulsed against his head until he couldn't take it any longer.
"That's enough!" Jamie said loudly ending Randall's speech. Justin, still sitting on the couch, didn't move or even look up. Tears stained his cheeks and his face was scrunched up in pain. Randall turned and regarded Jamie coldly.
"Enough?" he questioned in surprise.
"Yes, I said enough." Jamie let his temper fully loose, he wasn't going to let this man tear apart Justin anymore.
"-MR- Timberlake," Jamie said, placing a strained emphasis on the title. "This is your son and he loves you very much. All he's ever wanted was your love and support. In everything he's done and accomplished, a great motivation for him is to get your approval and a little recognition that he's done well in your eyes." Jamie started pacing but forced himself to stop. "And here you stand tearing him apart like nothing he's done matters."
"And what makes you such an expert on the relationship I have with my son?"
"Because I actually sit and talk with him instead of -at- him. I listen to what he says and how he feels. When was the last time you actually were concerned about how Justin was really doing -inside-?"
"You think you know quite alot about us, don't you?" Randall's smug tone made Jamie want to smack him, instead he went for blood.
"As a matter of fact, a lot more than you know. I've spent many nights talking with Justin, of course, but I've spent alot of time with Lynn as well."
Randall swallowed.
Jamie noticed that he was throwing Randall off balance, just where he wanted him. "I really don't care much what you think about me. I know Justin and my family love me and that's all I need, so your approval doesn't mean alot to me, but it does to Justin. Your son is gay. He didn't choose it, he just is."
"I don't agree with that viewpoint."
"Let me put it to you this way. When did you know that you were a heterosexual?"
"I just am, this is nonsense."
Jamie nodded. "Finally we agree on something. Just like you knew you liked women Justin and myself, Lance, JC and thousands of others knew that we liked men. It doesn't matter at what age we found out, we know what's inside us."
"So -you- say, still the lifestyle is immoral."
"There's something else that bothers me. Just why do you object to homosexuality -so- much?"
"The bible tells us..."
"Please don't bring that into this conversation. You're a Christian, quote me something that Christ said specifically against it." Jamie challenged.
Randall fumed knowing that most of his quotable verses came from the old testament.
"I didn't think so. 'Let he who is without sin cast the first stone,' or 'Judge not, lest ye be judged.'"
"Don't you start quoting scripture at me."
"Why not? You seemed ready to do it when it suited you. Why do you insist on treating Justin this way when one of your own cousins died of AIDS just 15 years ago?" Justin's head snapped up and looked at Jamie in surprise.
"How dare you!"
"No, sir, how dare YOU!" Jamie yelled at him. "'Whatsoever you do to the least of my brothers, that you do unto me.' It's not very Christian to turn your back on someone who needs you, especially family. I can't believe that you feel that your masculinity is threatened by it so much that you'd turn away your own blood."
"I don't have to stand here and take this."
"That's right, you don't. I think I'm going to have to ask you to leave now."
Randall sputtered and looked to Justin who continued staring at Jamie. With a huff he went through the door and was gone.
Jamie listened as Randall's rental backed out of the driveway and drove away. He sighed heavily and looked over at Justin. His expression had completely changed. The tears had dried and a bewildered and aggressive look came over his face. "You just kicked my father out of the house," he said softly.
Jamie sat heavily on the couch. "Ya, I guess I did," he replied meekly.
A flush rose in Justin's cheeks. "I can't believe you actually yelled at my father and asked him to leave." His voice rose a little and Jamie went on guard not liking his tone.
"Listen, I'm..."
"No!" Justin exclaimed standing quickly. "What happened to you? You're never like that." His hands balled into fists and for the first time ever Jamie was scared being with Justin. "I can't believe you said all that."
"Ok, stop that right there. If you want to talk about what was said, what about what your father was spewing at you?" Jamie retorted, the anger he had toward Randall returning a little.
"He's my father and he always will be, don't you understand that?" Justin was scowling at him. "Then again, you wouldn't."
"Oh, you didn't just go there," Jamie said, his anger dampened as he sat in shock that Justin would say something like that to hurt him. Justin had known that Jamie lost his father to a heart attack when he was so young that he only had vague memories of him. Phil was still a newborn, but Dan remembered and would tell them stories of a kind loving father.
"You had no right acting like that!" Justin yelled heading to the front door.
It was then that Jamie realized that Justin was actually yelling at him and he started retreating inside of himself, shaking in his seat, but Justin didn't seem to notice. "Where are you going?" Jamie asked as tears started spilling down his face.
"I have to talk to my Mom and see if I can't fix what you did," Justin said sourly as he grabbed his keys.
The slamming door echoed in the house as Jamie sobbed. "Justin..." he said weakly as he cried. He sat brooding in silence long after his tears ran dry. The phone rang a couple of times but he ignored it.
Jamie had never felt more miserable in his life. Sure, he and Justin had disagreements in the months they'd been together but they hadn't ever actually fought. Seeing Justin mad for the first time had actually scared him. It started bringing up memories he didn't really want to deal with right at this moment.
'I have to get out of here for awhile,' Jamie thought to himself. 'I need to think.' Jamie got to his feet and shakily made his way to the bedroom.
He sat on the sleigh bed they had picked out together and looked around the room. It had a mixture of both of them in it and he wondered how he could survive with this gone from his life. The tears started again as the feeling of loneliness and isolation that he had fought against last fall returned.
"So this is how it ends," he said aloud. The possibility of them breaking up at some point had often occurred to Jamie. He was realistic enough to know that happened with the best of couples. He imagined, though, that it would always be a mutual agreement to go their separate ways. Sighing sadly he stood and started packing an overnight bag. 'Guess I'll stay at Lance's for a day or two then go back home.'
He started crying harder at the word. 'Home' Just where was his home? Up until this minute, his home had always been Justin, whether they were here, New York, some nameless hotel or on the tour bus. Jamie had no idea how he could go on without Justin at this point. He felt empty and his stomach hurt with a dull pain as he gathered a few things.
Jamie picked the bag off of the chair and lost all his strength. He dropped the bag and fell onto the bed sobbing uncontrollably. Pressing his face into a pillow, he smelled Justin's cologne and cried out in anguish. He lay there until his sobs had quieted.
Sniffling, he headed to the kitchen in profound sadness. Checking to make sure everything was put away he noticed a paring knife that someone had left next to the sink. Jamie picked it up and looked at it intently. The forbidden word surfaced in his mind and it disgusted him. A shudder went through his frame and he threw the knife into the sink. Suicide had never been anything he had ever understood until last Fall. Even though it wasn't a choice for him, he now understood very well the feelings that could end there.
Turning the lights off as he went, he grabbed the spare key to Lance's house. Jamie quickly went out the front door hoping Lance could fix this and make it better. He wasn't looking in the dark and ran into something on the landing. He tripped over it and landed hard on the grass, knocking him out of breath.
"Ow," he wheezed trying to breath as he rolled onto his back.
"Sweet pea, are you ok?" Justin was beside him in a second. Jamie started crawling away before Justin put a hand on his chest stopping him. "What's wrong, please, are you alright?"
"I'm fine. I thought you left?" Jamie asked as he slumped down on the grass. In the dim glow of the streetlight he saw that Justin had been crying. "I didn't think you'd want to talk to me again."
A shocked look ran across Justin's features and then one of guilt and hurt. "Please don't ever think that."
Jamie looked at him confused. "What are you doing sitting out here?"
"Well, I've been out here thinking and I think I owe you an apology."
"Ya?" Jamie relaxed listening to Justin's soothing voice. He noticed that Justin hadn't moved his hand from his chest and Jamie didn't want him to.
"Two things. First and most importantly, I promised you that I'd never leave you and that we'd always talk about our feelings." Justin moved his hand and took Jamie's hand in his.
Jamie nodded. "Justin, I can't stand between you and your family. That's not what I want."
Justin looked at Jamie intently. "You don't understand. I love you more than anything else in my life. My family, career, talent, whatever doesn't mean anything to me compared to you. I realized that when I heard the door slam and the thought that you'd be gone from my life crossed my mind. That's why I couldn't just leave." He looked down and played with Jamie's fingers as his voice took on a more resolved tone. "I hate that we have to hide all the time and can't just go out and hold hands in public. I know deep down it makes you sad too, even though you hide it."
"Oh, Justin..." Jamie began but Justin cut him off.
"I have more." Jamie nodded with a smile. "I promise you that it won't be like this forever. I can't promise when, but just... I don't know." He paused gathering his thoughts. "I promise that someday we'll be able to go out and hold hands and not care who sees us."
"You don't know how much that means to me to hear you say that."
Justin smiled for the first time. "You know, it hurts that my father feels this way. If I can't change that, then so be it. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, not him." Fresh tears ran down his cheeks. "I'm sorry about what I said about your father. It was really low and uncalled for."
"That did hurt, Justin."
"I know. I ran at the mouth and I know it hurt you when I said it. I'm sorry I yelled at you and acted that way, but I was frightened and hurt and angry."
"Angry," Jamie sighed. "At me?" he asked not really wanting to hear the answer.
"Ya angry, but not at you, at my father." Justin paused. "And myself."
"Yourself?"
"I'm angry at myself because I couldn't stand up to him like you did, and boy did I want to. I'm 19 years old and I let him treat me like I was 9. I lost my temper and took it out on you, and I hate myself for that."
Jamie pulled on Justin's hand so he leaned down over him. Leaning up he placed a gently kiss on his lips. "Justin, there's nothing to apologize for. It was stressful and you're only human." Jamie looked deeply into his eyes. "I'm sorry that I yelled at your father. I don't know what happened, I just snapped. He was going off on you and I got a little protective."
Justin smiled. "It was kinda nice, in a way. You came to my defense and ripped right into him. Now that I've had time to think, I agree he deserved it."
"JuJu, you said there were two things, what's the other one?"
Justin smiled then blushed. "After I stepped out here I remembered my mother is on a plane somewhere over Texas."
Jamie laughed and Justin joined him. He lay down next to Jamie and they stared up at the stars together, holding hands. "Where were you going?" Justin asked breaking the silence.
"To Lance's. I thought that you'd want me out and that maybe Lance could fix things," Jamie answered softly.
Justin turned his head. "I would never ask you to leave, this is -your- house too. I love you, sweet pea, don't ever doubt that. Through temper tantrums, anger, whatever, I will always love you."
Jamie reached out with a hand and caressed Justin's cheek. "I'll always love you, too."
Justin pulled Jamie to him, they leaned in and kissed. Their lips pressed together then started moving in the dance that they enjoyed so well. Jamie opened his mouth slightly in invitation and Justin used his tongue to lick around Jamie's lips making him sigh happily. Their tongues met as they took the kiss deeper, quickly forgetting the world around them.
They had no idea how long they lay in each others arms before something interrupted them.
"Ahem..."
Jamie looked up and saw Chris hovering over them. "Go away, Chris," he said not breaking contact with Justin.
"We thought we'd come back and see if you guys were all right." Chris nudged Justin with his foot. "We brought you ice cream."
"In that case you're forgiven," Justin replied his eyes smiling at Jamie. They kissed one more time and sat up. Chris and Joey handed them sundaes.
"Thanks guys."
"No problem, so what happened?" JC asked.
They all took seats in the grass as they ate. Justin told them the whole story from the moment they left until Jamie tripped over him on the steps. He even included some details of his talk with Randall from the weekend before that he hadn't told before.
"Are you two ok?"
"We're fine, Lance," Jamie answered with a warm smile.
It was late, everyone had gone home and Zack had crashed for the night in the guest room. Justin was downstairs in the office checking his email in case there was something important he should know about for the coming week. Jamie sat on a stool in the kitchen nursing a cup of hot chocolate. Even though the weather was hot, he couldn't break himself of the habit.
He glanced at the phone and noticed the message light blinking. He hit the button to listen finding that there were two calls, the first from Lance wondering what was happening. Jamie hit the erase button with a smile. The next call started and Jamie nearly spit out the mouthful he had.
Justin... Jamie... This is Randall. I want to apologize for coming unannounced like that and being the cause of such a scene. I've been doing some thinking and I think we really need to sit and talk again before I leave tomorrow. Justin, I know you have a show tomorrow night and are probably going to be busy as hell, but please find the time. I'm at the Marriott room 550. Um... Bye.
Jamie sat unable to move for a second before making a decision. Picking up the phone he dialed the number he quickly found in the phone book. After requesting the extension, he waited until Randall picked up.
"Randall, it's Jamie. Thanks for calling, and I'm sorry for calling you back so late but I just got the message."
=Jamie, it's alright. I was just watching the news.=
"I just wanted you to know that the guys have 2 radio interviews tomorrow morning but if you'd like, I can meet you for coffee. I think we need to talk and I want to apologize for my behavior tonight as well. Then we can meet up with them for lunch at the arena, ok?"
=I'd like that very much. How about you meet me in the restaurant here at the hotel around 10:30?=
"That would be fine. Good night, Randall."
=Night, Jamie. Say goodnight to Justin too.=
"I will." Jamie sighed as he hung up the phone. A moment later Justin came up from downstairs.
"Who you on the phone with, sweet pea?" he asked getting a water from the fridge.
"I think you need to listen to this." Jamie played Randall's message then told him about their conversation.
"You're amazing, you know that?" Justin said kissing Jamie's neck. "Maybe things will work out after all. Come on, let's go to bed."
The sparkle in his eye promised more than just sleep.
Jamie settled himself in bed writing in the journal that he started right after the rape. Leslie had suggested he keep it as a sort of therapy to help him air out his feelings. Justin lay cuddled against his side, snoring lightly.
'Poor thing,' Jamie thought, 'he's so tired. This week has been a killer with five shows in a row.' Jamie turned his attention back to his book and read the completed entry to see if anything needed to be added.
"Thurs, 5/25/2000 - Orlando
It certainly has been an eventful week. Zack goes home in
the morning on an early flight. He seemed to fit in with
everyone really well and I think had a good time on his
vacation. We managed to do Universal while the guys were
busy. He just loved the backstage aspect of the shows and
drank in every detail. The shows in Lauderdale were wild
and Zack and I got to spend a morning at Miami beach. Zack
was stoked and we both got a little burnt.
Justin's dad showing up on Sat threw a wrench into things
for a bit. Randall and I had a good talk Sunday over coffee.
He said he could see how much I cared for Justin and he
didn't feel right standing in the way of that. I suspect
Lynn and certainly Lisa have alot to do with this. I talked
with both the morning before meeting with Randall and they
have both said they'd do what they could.
Although he's still having problems with the homosexuality
(which he has promised to give some serious thought about)
Randall at least let Justin know that he was proud of him
and loved him. That made Justin feel so much better and
gives us both hope that our relationship with Randall won't
be strained. Randall and Justin talked right after lunch
until the sound check which was good for both of them. He
surprised us by hugging us both before driving himself to
the airport.
Justin and I had a little blow out about the whole thing and
it could've really gotten out of control. Justin still feels
bad about yelling at me. It scared me at the time but I've
gotten over it. He's never raised his voice before like that
and it killed him when he realized he did. We couldn't stay
mad at each other for more than a half hour and we worked
through it. And for the record make-up sex is fantastic!!
The shows have gone incredibly well (so what's new there)
and everyone's happy with how the tour is going and getting
ready for the western leg. I'm preparing myself for the next
month. The schedule has changed and the guys will be busier
than even they thought possible. The label is putting some
heavy pressure on them to get out and promote the album more
while in California. Add that to their regular appearances,
concert schedule, MTV Video Awards and additional studio work,
the guys will have absolutely no free time.
Because of Jive's added schedule, Johnny told me that they
were all going to be more under the microscope (like March)
so the label insisted on putting them in 'lockdown.' No
partying at all (except for the social events they need
to make an appearance at) and outside guests were being
frowned upon. Justin got upset thinking they were singling
us out before Johnny pointed out that Chris was only getting
a few hours for dinner with Dani that week (and only because
they'd be in the same city) and nothing else.
On top of that I can't get as much time off as I'd like.
The studio has several high profile albums it's producing
and is insisting on all the time I can give. I know I can
refuse some of the work but I feel bad since they've been
so lenient and understanding. I'll probably be recording
6 days a week, good money but lots of long hours.
So that leaves me with a 5 week stretch starting Saturday
before I can see him again. It'll be torture but at least
I'll be home in Orlando most of the time which gives me a
little comfort. Lynn will be in and out of town. Dan will
be by for a weekend sometime and Joey's family is nearby.
Even Leslie said she'd come to me for this visit - she said
she needed a vacation anyway.
So I should be alright, hopefully. Alright but lonely.
After I drop Zack off at the airport in the morning (way too
early if you ask me) we'll have the whole day alone together.
Justin already threatened death to the guys if he saw any of
them knocking at the door. They fly out to New Orleans on
Saturday morning then head to Texas.
I guess I'll find out how well I'll sleep without Justin next
to me. (for that matter we both will)
How I am feeling tonight: nervous, sad, in love and for some
reason anxious.
Oh ya... and if you're reading this sweetie....
I love you!! XOXO"
Jamie smiled as he closed the book. He didn't know for sure if Justin read it or not. A ground rule that Leslie made was that he could if he ever wanted. She insisted that Justin be included to make sure that they were communicating with each other. Jamie never really had to worry about that anyway, there wasn't anything he didn't tell Justin.
Putting the book on the night table he absently played with the out of control curls on Justin's head. Rhonda got a big kick out of Justin asking her to remove the braids. One look at Jamie and she knew the reason. Of course she didn't hesitate to rib both of them about it whenever she could. Jamie liked Rhonda very much, a very easy going, friendly woman. She patiently showed Jamie how to quickly undo Justin's hair so he could do it on his own if he wanted.
Justin sighed beside him and pressed his face into Jamie's arm. Jamie turned out the light and snuggled down next to him.
"I love you," he whispered to Justin as he kissed his forehead. Justin made a contented sound and slept on. Jamie listened to his deep, even breathing with just a hint of a snore while he drifted off to sleep.
tbc...
There's the latest. Comments and suggestions are always welcome!
Jim bangoremail@aol.com