The Jamie Lynn Spears "FUCK YOU" Show: Episode 15 The Jamie Lynn Spears "FUCK YOU" Show - Episode 15
"The Cruel Fuckin' Joke Show"
Written by: TVM (mrtvm@mrtvm.com)
Archive: http://www.asstr.org/~TheVertManArchive/Stories/Celeb/Jamie/IndexJL.html
** Disclaimer: This story is purely fantasy and is based on the fictional life of real celebrities. The events portrayed in this series (although I wish) are not an accurate depiction of the star and or stars real lives. Any reposting or archiving without written permission is an infringement on the copyright of this series. So in other words You damn well better ask before you steal it.**
Starring: Jamie Lynn Spears (18) & Kristen Alderson (18)
Special Guest Stars: Michelle Trachtenberg (23)
Guest Stars: Elle Fanning (11), Billi Bruno (12) & Ariel Winter (11)
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"You're about to watch an all new episode of Taboo TV's number one series on Tuesday's at Nine O'clock" Doc announced over the split screen that showed the logo on one side and an advertisement in the other. "What you think I'm fudging the truth? Go look it up on the fucking internet shit head."
"He is fucking retarded" Summer giggled from in front of me and wrapped snugly in my arms. Back on the screen the infamous logo was now walking, well stomping actually, up to the screen and began flexing it's massive muscles. But what happened next was classic, the Jamie Lynn logo turned and pulled out a logo of the Fox (faux) News Channel's show 'Hannity'. Dropping the 'Hannity' logo to the floor the Jamie Lynn logo began to jump up and down on the other one in what I guess was an apparent show of dominance. "Ratings champion crowned?"
"Take that you bunch of torture loving, liberal hating, right wing, so-called fair and balanced nuts" Doc said as we laughed. "Just think about it this way, more people would rather watch Jamie Lynn and Kristen play monopoly than listen to the screechings of a psychologically imbalanced fruit loop. We also beat Falafel boy at 8 and Sarah Palin's lesbian lover, Greta Van Suffering, at 10. So from all of us here at Taboo to all of you at Fox Noise, Fixed News, and we mean this sincerely...FUCK YOU!"
"OHMIGOD I love that dickless head" Summer giggled as the logo came back up and took us from the opening graphics to a scene of Elle laying on the futon on what we would find out was the deck of friend Michelle Trachtenberg's place. Elle flipping mindlessly through a teen mag as Michelle appeared at the door and watched her for a moment. But we would soon find out that she was not gawking at the young girl on the futon but instead another girl off in the distance. The camera panning away from Michelle and zooming in on a young girl (looked to be Elle's age) playing in the sprinkler system with her friend.
"MMMMMMM Momma likes that" Michelle said as she crashed down beside of Elle on the futon and grinned at her. Elle returning that smile. The camera now on them again.
"Momma likes what, me?"
"Momma does like you" Michelle said with a soft kiss to Elle's lips. "But I was actually talking about that right over there..."
"What?" Elle asked. Following Michelle's finger point and smiling as she saw the two young girls playing in the sprinkler. "Little Momma like too."
"Little Momma?" Michelle asked.
"Me, stupid" Elle said as Michelle laughed harder. "Anyway, who are they?"
"Go say hi and find out" Michelle said. "Maybe bring them home for me and you to explore?"
"Ellen might not like that" Elle said. That being Michelle's real life girlfriend, Ellen Page. "She is working on a new movie out of town."
"And you my horny little demon would be wrong" Michelle said. "Ellen gave me permission to do anything and everything involving you...and your friends...or your sister."
"Ha, those are not friends" Elle commented. "So you're up shit creek without a paddle."
"Then get up and go say hi and they will be" Michelle said. "I got a good feeling that you could convince at least one of them to come home with you."
"You already got me what more do you need?" Elle asked pointedly.
"I need someone to lick my bald little pussy while you're butt fucking me" Michelle said as she leaned up and kissed the girl softly on the lips. "Which you're gonna be doing a lot of from now on."
"Already have been" Elle said with a smug smile. "Jamie Lynn and Dakota were right you are quite the slut."
"And they would know" Michelle fired back. "So you gonna go and meet them?"
"Might not have too" Elle said as she pointed and we saw that the girls were now walking down the sidewalk towards the balcony of Michelle's apartment. Both girls wearing skimpy bikini's that showed off the nice tans they had (with obvious tan lines).
"Say hi mini-dork" Michelle giggled as she pushed Elle over to the railing. Elle giving her a dirty look before she turned back to the road and saw that to her surprise she recognized one of the girls and maybe both. She could swear she'd seen one of them on the new ABC series, Modern Family, the brunette (with longer hair) one that is. The other was more familiar, she looked just like the younger girl from the series, According to Jim, she thought her name was Billi Bruno.
"Hey" Elle said with a friendly wave. The girls stopping and smiling. "UMMMMMMM...aren't you on TV?"
"That was smooth" Michelle giggled from off-camera. Elle groaning as a warning to the older girl, prompting Michelle to laugh harder.
"We both are" The girl said from the street. "I'm Billi, and this is my friend Ariel."
"Cool" Elle said. "Billi Bruno from According to Jim?"
"Yeppers" Billi confirmed as her friend giggled.
"You're great at playing the nerd" Ariel commented to her friend.
"Shut up" Billi said. Just then noticing the camera behind Elle. "What's the camera for?"
"I'm kind of on TV too" Elle said. "You wanna be on my TV show?"
"It'll be great for their careers" Michelle fed to the younger girl. Elle catching on as she repeated that line to the girls on the sidewalk.
"Come on let's do it she seems nice" Ariel said to Billi.
"Might be lots of fun" Billi said with a shrug of her shoulders.
"MMMMMMM" Elle cooed as her and Michelle shared a smile. Turning back to the young girls she said, "I'll meet you at the door?"
"OK" Billi said as her and Ariel crossed the street. The logo rolling across the screen as Doc said, "I for one am getting sick of seeing these horny young starlets dropping all inhibitions, along with their clothes, and just fuck for pleasure. It's sickening to me to watch these young tanned, tone girls shake in orgasmic bliss time after time. There should be a law against...orgasmic bliss...because...well...if I ever got any I wouldn't so anal...and sexually repressed. But that is totally beside the point. This has been a commentary by Sean Hannity."
"He's on a roll tonight" Summer giggled as we went to break. A mindless four minutes of MORE stupid commercials that make you wonder if any of the people creating these ads has actually ever had an original thought. UNLIKELY. Soon enough though the logo rolled back across the screen and we this time saw a picture of the handsome Sean Hannity tacked to a peg board. Doc's saying, "What we have here folks is a failure to communicate...with people younger than 75."
Summer and I were still laughing at the knock on Hannity's audience when the logo rolled away and covered up the picture and away again and to a new scene of Jamie Lynn and Kristen pulling up to the front of the crib and getting out. Joining hands as they met at the front of the car and walking towards the front door. The camera falling in line behind them and stopping at the front door. A note dangling from the door knocker.
"What's it say?" Kristen asked as she peaked over Jamie Lynn's shoulder.
"Hayden and Mackenzie left" Jamie Lynn said.
"Seriously?" Kristen asked with a worried look as she took the note both girls walked inside. "They didn't even say goodbye."
"Typical" Jamie Lynn said as she tossed the keys on the table. "You surprised?"
"Kind of" Kristen said. "But Hayden has been acting weird for months now."
"How so?"
"Her and Mackenzie have been fighting like bitches for weeks before I left" Kristen said with a worried look. "I'm afraid they're gonna break-up."
"Well..." Jamie Lynn said with a pause as she came over and kissed the girl softly. "...think of the possibilities if she did."
"Me, you and Hayden like Sam (Anderson) suggested?" Kristen asked.
"MMMMMMMMM I love the sound of that" Jamie Lynn said. "We could make Hayden shake in orgasmic bliss like she's never even dreamed of."
"And she would do us the same way" Kristen said as both grinned. "MMMMMM I can't imagine how good that would feel."
"I hope you don't look at me as a stand-in" Jamie Lynn said.
"Not for one second" Kristen said with a soft kiss that melted Jamie Lynn's heart. "Hayden was one thing and you Tanned Princess are another."
"And what exactly am I?"
"You mean more to me than just good sex..."
"Great sex..."
"Mind blowing sex..."
"Mind blowing, body numbing sex..."
"MMMMMMMMMM" Jamie Lynn and Kristen said in unison as they touched foreheads. "You are more to me than great sex though."
"I'm really starting to like being that to someone" Kristen said. "Never happened before."
"And now that Hayden and Mackenzie are gone and Elle, the little slut, is off fucking Michelle we can concentrate on each other" Jamie Lynn said as she took Kristen's hand as the two made their way into the living room. Sitting down on the couch and just getting comfortable when the doorbell began ringing. "This has got to be some kind of a cruel joke."
"Answer the door and stop bitching so damn much" Kristen said with a kiss to the cheek. "Everything is going good today, so how about not screwing it up?"
"OK, OK, no more bitching" Jamie Lynn said with a grin. The camera following Jamie Lynn's cute little swaying ass as she made her way out of the living room and down the hall to the door. Opening it just after it had rang again. The person on the other side though was a shock as there stood the cruel joke that Jamie Lynn had referred to, Alexa 'Freakin' Nikolas. "What the fuck..."
"Hi?"
"No not hi" Jamie Lynn demanded as she stepped outside of the screen door and now stood in front of her ex-girlfriend. "How about bye, skank?"
"Jamie Lynn calm down, I just wanna make peace is all" Alexa said as the camera behind Jamie Lynn made it's way out the door and onto the porch and showed the cab sitting in the street still. Jamie Lynn's fists clenched at her side as she tried in vain to fight her anger that was suddenly threatening to violently erupt. "You're doing your show again?"
"What?" Jamie Lynn asked as she turned to see the camera. In the background, at that very moment, a blurry figure getting out of the cab and walking nervously up the yard, slowly coming into view. Jamie Lynn's eyes opening in shock as she saw it was her former Zoey 101 co-star, Erin Sanders. Erin sporting a 'Hannah Montana' t-shirt and a dangerously short skirt with tennis shoes. "Erin? Erin Sanders?"
"What?" Alexa asked and looked back to Erin standing there nervously. "I told you to stay in the cab until the coast was clear."
"Yeah, well, stupid plan and it blew up in your face" Erin said. "I'm here and now we can work this shit out."
"What the hell are you doing here?" Jamie Lynn asked as Kristen arrived at the door and to my surprise, she simply listened. "Answer me BEFORE I BEAT YOU."
"Whoa Jamie Lynn calm down, we come in peace" Erin said as she moved in front of Alexa. "No hitting, please?"
"What are you doing here?" Jamie Lynn asked in a barely controlled rage.
"Make peace" Erin said. "And to let you know that Alexa and I are dating, officially."
"Well sub divide me and Kentucky fry me" Jamie Lynn babbled in shock. Erin laughing. "You two?"
"Yes, us two" Alexa said as she purposely took Erin's hand and laced their fingers. Both smiling. Jamie Lynn's mind being still reeling from the shock of what had just been unloaded on her. "All I wanna do is say I'm sorry for the way we broke up. And say that I hope you find someone new...Kristen? Kristen Alderson?"
"Hi" Kristen said as she stepped out of the door and loved seeing the look of shock on Alexa's face. Kristen taking Jamie Lynn's hand and getting the girl to look back at her. "And just so you know Alexa, Miss Thang, the Tanned Princess has moved on...to me."
"My new co-host" Jamie Lynn said and loving the look of shock on Alexa's face.
"There's a twist in the storyline that I didn't see coming" Alexa finally said. Erin grinning knowingly at the gorgeous girl on Jamie Lynn's arm, obviously wanting something more than to just look. The logo rolling across the screen just as Jamie Lynn and Kristen kissed. We heard Doc's voice once again before we went to break, "Folks, am I the only one who thought Alexa looked like she pooped her panties in shock? And I think, and this might be just me, but I think that hot little Erin Sanders wanted some Starr. Boy I bet my old friend Sean Hannity, the guy we pounded in the ratings last week, is sitting on the edge of his water board on this one, just dying to find out what happened. Sean from me to you...FUCK YOU!"
The "FUCK YOU" logo rolled off the screen and brought us to a shot of the camera walking from the living room of Jamie Lynn's crib into the kitchen and to a startling scene, Jamie Lynn with her back to the camera showing off her tanned thong clad ass. A few splashes of water signaling that the Tanned One was actually doing dishes, only to be interrupted by a voice from off-camera.
"You gonna act like I'm not here for the third day in a row?"
"I'm not acting like anything" Jamie Lynn said. Alexa (Nikolas) walking into camera's view and revealing that was the source of the voice.
"You agreed to let me and Erin stay here but you've acted like I'm the plague since the moment I got here" Alexa said.
"I let you stay here because you're only in town for a few days" Jamie Lynn said as she stuffed dishes into the cabinet above the sink. Alexa was clearly gawking at the amazing site of Jamie Lynn's cute little ass in the thong. "I can't make you pay for a hotel room knowing how tight things have been lately."
"They have been" Alexa admitted. "Erin's pay check has been a big help."
"What about your dream movie?" Jamie Lynn asked. "The one you left me for?"
"Funding feel through when the Bush/Cheney economy went south" Alexa said. "I came back to Los Angeles for a while and took some small roles but Erin moving in really helped. We've got a nice play in West Hollywood."
"Well I hope you get this new role and then you can clear out" Jamie Lynn said.
"And I'm sure you'd love that" Alexa said, "But meanwhile your lovely new girlfriend has become BFF's with my new girlfriend."
"You leave Kristen out of this, bitch" Jamie Lynn said.
"I like Kristen and unlike me she's good for you" Alexa said. "She's in love with you."
"You think I don't know that?" Jamie Lynn asked. "It becomes more clear every day."
"And you feel the same?" Alexa asked. "Or is it that you don't?"
"Alexa the investigative journalist" Jamie Lynn said wryly. "You wanna go for the million dollar question now?"
"What million dollar...?"
"The one where you insist that I'm still in love Hayden" Jamie Lynn said. "And the same one where you neglect to mention what falling in love with her has cost me."
"What did it cost you?"
"My job on Cumming Out, the chance to be the star, my friendships with Miley Cyrus, Emily Osment and for a while Dakota Fanning, and I'm pretty sure Mackenzie Rosman still hates me to a point" Jamie Lynn rambled. "And it cost me something even more important..."
"What?"
"You!" Jamie Lynn said in a soft tone that was barely audible. Alexa showed the shock on her face and watched Jamie Lynn simply walk away. Another "FUCK YOU" logo rolled taking us to the closing credits. And read simply, "Executive Producer: Jamie Lynn Spears."