This is a work of pure fiction, , but based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it might not be very pure either! There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind if story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - - ENJOY!
Cast of Characters:
James Thomas Arthur (Jamey)
Harold Brian Arthur - My Brother (Habby)
Harold Garfield Arthur -- My dad
William Pitts -- Roommate (Will)
Ronny -- Will's best friend.
George Wiggins
Darrel -- George's roommate
Dr. Steve Jordan - Doctor
From Chapter 6:
After dinner Habbie asked me to take him to Melanie's. I looked at Dad. He nodded. I guess they had come to an understanding. I drove him over and dropped him off. I saw Darrel's Vette parked outside, so I figured that probably he and George worked out THEIR thing. I dropped Habbie off and went home. When I got home, I walked in and the living room was dark and the TV was on low. Dad was sitting on the couch looking very sexy -- for a 48 year old. A scary thought flashed through my mind.
"Come in here, Son." He said smiling. My fleeting feeling came back big time. I was getting scared.
Chapter 7
What could he possible want? "Sit." He said patting the couch next to me. I didn't know what to do -- so I did as he told me. As soon as I was sitting, he grabbed to TV remote and pushed the DVD play button. He had actually bought a porn flick!
"What the - " I started laughing.
"I just wanted to get a feel for a few things before we go out tomorrow night." Said Dad. I grabbed the DVD cover. It was two guys and a girl! They all looked beautiful -- of course!
I'm gonna concentrate on the guys -- as much as I can." He told me. "YOU concentrate on the girl -- as much as YOU can."
"You -- gotta be kidding, Dad!"
"No. I was kind of turned on -- or something -- last week when that young guy came on to me. I just want to see how graphic sex between 2 guys will affect me. I think you would do well to see how the girl will affect you."
"Dad! I just told you that Will is now my boyfriend! And you want me to - "
"You only need to watch, Jamey. You don't even have to like it." He paused it before it got to the actual movie,
"Dad -- listen. I know gay guys who say that thinking of sex with girls makes them sick. Personally I think that's ridiculous. Well, it may well MAKE them sick, but I think it's because they have closed their mind so much to it. I don't WANT sex with a girl. I just don't!" I said emphatically.
"But I could, if I had to." I added
"Yeah?" Dad said. "I assume your going somewhere with this." He was obviously disappointed that I was not as excited as he was about this flick.
"Oh -- never mind, let's just watch the movie."
"We're not in that much hurry, Son. Make your point."
"Well, actually there are a couple I've been thinking about. One is, even though I know I could have sex with a girl, I couldn't act like I am Mr. Macho and try to fool her that I'm not gay. So if you're trying to get me to not be gay -- it's impossible. It's the way I am. It's the way I'll always be. The other thing is -- well -- I have heard that in prisons and in submarines and naval ships -- guys often do each other. Guys that would normally never think of sex with another guy. I'll bet a lot of them would say that thinking of sex with a guy would make them sick -- if they weren't deprived of women."
"So ^Å what are you trying to tell me, Jamey?" Dad asked.
"I dunno, I guess I have just been thinking of those things lately, because a friend of mine said that thinking about sex with a girl makes him sick. I just think that's ridiculous. And also -- showing me a video like this -- which is bound to get me horny -- is no indication that I want sex with a woman. Even if there were not two men, just a guy and a girl, I still would get horny watching it, I think."
"I see." Dad said.
"And -- Dad, " I paused here, not knowing quite how to say the next thing, "Um - guys that watch these things together -- don't they usually jack off to relieve themselves during the flick? Are we supposed to do that?" I was half joking, half scared of the answer!
"Did you want to?" Dad asked. He wasn't joking!
"DAD!" I exploded. "What the f -- What are you trying to do?"
"Does it bother you that I may like to investigate my fascination with man-sex? That would be kind of incongruous of you."
"This is just weird!" I said. "My dad's not supposed to be gay!"
"I'm not gay. Maybe bisexual, though. And I'm just not sure I want to deal with another woman -- if a man can satisfy my needs."
I felt a little sick. "Start the movie!" I begged.
There was a loose -- VERY loose story line -- just enough to get them from one sex scene to the next. I was all planning to be uninterested, but that was impossible! It started with the guy and the woman, getting hot and heavy, with their buddy just sitting by watching TV. When the guy got to having sex with the woman -- they did it doggie style -- his dick was at least a 9"-er -- and of course it made me horny as it disappeared and appeared from her. After they were finished, she started to suck on his softee and it got hard again immediately. (Duh!)
Then the other guy came over and sat closer. The first guy took the second guy's clothes off, and started to kiss him, and he was obviously getting excited as the girl deep throated his 9 inches. The second guy then stood and stuck his dick in his buddy's mouth and that ended with them cumming together. Then the two guys got on the girl, one in her mouth, the other licking her vagina. That part did disgust me more than the rest!
The last thing that happened was the girl played with herself while one of the guys did anal sex with the other, while the other jacked off. I looked over and my dad was rubbing his crotch continually. They all exploded in orgasm at the same time. That was the finale.
Dad turned off the DVD, and the news was on the TV. I was about to excuse myself to head to my bathroom and relieve myself, when there was a news flash on the station the TV was on:
"This just in: Two University students in Santa Barbara have been shot. An apparently irate father, finding his son in bed with a man, allegedly got his rifle and shot them both. William Henry Pitts of Santa Barbara has been arrested minutes ago, after his wife called the police."
I ran back into the room and stood, horrified in front of the TV. The newscaster continued: "One of the youth's was killed instantly. Name has been withheld until next of kin is notified. Pitt's son is in critical condition and was taken to University Hospital. In other news - "
My legs collapsed, and I found myself on the floor. I was too stunned to cry.
"Did you know someone there, Jamey?" Dad said.
"That -- that -- that -- that -- was Will's dad! Will's been shot -- Will's in critical condition. I gotta get back there!" I cried. Then my emotions caught up. I was incoherent for a time. Dad told me to get in his car. He would drive me up there.
I stumbled out to the car. Dad shut the house down and got in. I was completely out of it at first. I remember my dad buckling my seat belt. He stopped by to pick up Habby, who was in the hot tub, naked with Melanie, George and Darrel. Habby sat in the back seat and pouted. About half way there -- an hour after we left the house -- I said calmly, "He was my -- my -- my -- boyfriend, Dad. Why was he in bed with another guy?"
"Don't jump to any conclusions, Son." Dad said evenly. "I've never yet heard a news story that was completely correct." He turned on the radio to a news station. "The breaking news tonight is of a murder and attempted murder in Santa Barbara. One, Ronald Allen Jones was shot in the temple and died instantly. He was pronounced dead at University Hospital. A second man, William Anthony Pitts is in critical condition, having been shot in the chest. The accused murderer, Mr, Pitts' father, was allegedly irate at finding his son, William, in bed with Mr. Jones. More details as they are available."
Dad drove as fast as practical, and stopped once in Santa Barbara at a gas station to ask directions to the hospital. When we got parked, I stumbled out of the car and ran into the emergency room. It was as busy as most emergency rooms on a Friday night. I asked about William Pitts.
"Are you a relative?" asked the triage nurse, dispassionately.
"I'm a friend." I said.
"I'm afraid that only relatives - "
"I'M HIS BOYFRIEND!" I screamed. The emergency room went silent.
I heard mumbling behind me. A female voice said, "I heard the boyfriend died." I wanted to punch her out.
"I'm sorry sir, but only relatives can be allowed to see - "
"He NEEDS me now! I know it! You can't - "
"Sir, if you will please wait over there, I will ask security to explain our policy more clearly - "
"Nurse." A voice from inside the closed door said. She looked toward the voice. The door opened.
"Are you Jamey?" said a very kindly young doctor.
"Tears suddenly overflowed again. "Yes!" I cried.
"Your friend is up in room 240 C - ICU. He's asking for you."
"Omigod! How do I - " I stammered.
"Just follow me, sir." The doctor said softly. "I'm on my way up there." On the way up to ICU, Dad asked, "How bad is it, Doctor?"
"We patched him up temporarily. If he lives through the night, we will operate on his heart and lungs when his condition stabilizes."
"When you say `if', what are we talking about?" I asked.
"Mr. -- um -- I mean Jamey -- sorry I never heard your name -- He has been asking for you. In cases like this, sometimes the patient is waiting until he can say goodbye to a loved one -- to die, or -- he may be waiting to see your reaction to everything -- and he can decide how much he wants to recover. I suggest you give him the benefit of the doubt and give him every reason to want to live."
"The benefit of the doubt?" I asked.
"Well -- the report is -- he was found in bed with this other guy, so -- just, I would say -- don't assume the worst."
"I know. I wish I didn't!"
"Believe me Jamey, He may be looking for any excuse to hang on. Or -- he may be looking for any excuse to let go!
We walked quietly into his area in ICU. It was screened off from the rest of the room. "William -- you friend is here."
Will painfully -- albeit drugged -- turned his head slowly and blankly looked in my direction. "Jame -- you came." He almost whispered. He took a huge shuddering breath and let it out, closed his eyes, grimaced,
and stopped breathing.
"William! WILL!" The doctor yelled. He looked at me and gestured toward Will. "Wake up, Will!" He said.
I then came closer and took his hand -- gingerly -- there were tubes and needles stuck in both arms and hands. "Will. Look at me." I said quietly. The doc poked me and whispered,
"Louder! Make him hear you -- and believe you, Dammit!"
I closed my eyes, squeezing out tears. "WILL! Look at me! You have to stay with us -- with ME. I love you, Will."
He opened his eyes and took another breath. "That's it, Babe! Keep breathing. It's me, Will -- really. And I love you -- no matter what!"
That part was true. Just how I was going to deal with him being in bed with Ronny, I didn't know. But I knew that I loved him! He took another labored breath, and looked up at me. He whispered something. I couldn't hear. I put my ear to his mouth. "What?" I asked.
"Jame -- It's -- not -- like -- it -- looks." He breathed out.
"I didn't think it was, Will." I said, trying to get him to focus on me. Please try to stay here with us! They have you hooked up to every kind of machine needed, but you still have to do your part. I need you!"
He looked up and barely smiled, then grimaced and he labored for another breath. I turned to the doctor. "Can't the machines do the work for him?"
"Yeah, but we like the patient to do as much as they can themselves. It gives them more will to live. That's what he needs now -- the will to live."
For the first time, I looked past the doctor. It must have been Will's mother sitting in the background. I nodded. She looked away disdainfully. Interestingly, even in that setting, I felt more pity for her than anger.
"Doctor Jordan, a Dr. Richards is here." The nurse said, poking her head in.
"Dr. Who?" Said our doctor, "I don't know any - "
"He's a minister." She whispered.
"Oh." He looked at Mrs. Pitts. "Is Dr. Richards your minister?"
"Yes.' She said woefully.
"Send him in." The doc told the nurse. Momentarily she came back with the minister. Mrs. Pitts ran to him and started crying. Dr. Jordan left.
"Oh Dennis, how could this have happened to us?" she sniveled.
"Margaret, how's the boy?" he said, making it clear that this wasn't about her -- not now.
"He's - - in and out."
"Do you want us to administer to him?" said Dr. Richards.
"Dennis! He was committing fornication with another boy!"
"Does that preclude him from receiving a blessing from the Lord?"
"I didn't think - " She started. Dr. Richards got a disgusted look on his face.
"Maybe you ought to do more of that -- along with reading God's word. Even Jesus was kind to the very thief who was condemning him, as he hung on the cross."
"But Den - "
"Besides, how do you know he was committing fornication? Did you see him?"
"I didn't see him, but Bill did!"
"What did Bill see, Margaret?"
"I don't -- he didn't explain it to me graphically, Dennis!"
"In this country -- as in the bible -- a man is considered innocent until proven guilty. Ancient Israel demanded 3 witnesses."
"Richard -- they were sleeping together! Boys that age don't sleep together any more -- do they?"
"Margaret, Shhh!" Dr. Richards said quietly. "First, boys that age DO sleep together -- all the time. Sometimes they are gay. Do we kill them in this country if they are gay? No! Is it okay to be gay? No! But it's not - " he paused and started again, "Margaret! He's your SON, for God's sake! Why are you building a case against him?"
She ran out of the cubicle crying. Dr. Richards came over to the bed. I was worried that Will could hear all they were saying, but he never made a movement, or opened his eyes. Dr. Richards touched his hand.
"Will? Can you hear me?" Will opened his eyes. "Will, do you want us to administer a blessing to you?" Will nodded and closed his eyes. "Rev. Watkins is in another cubicle here. I'll get him." Will grimaced. I think he was trying to smile.
Dr. Richards came back with Rev. Watkins and followed by a much subdued Mrs. Pitts. The two ministers placed their hands on Will's head and Dr. Richards said,
"Lord, we just feel so small and insignificant in your presence. But Lord, we know that you love us, and you have told us you will bless us. Please bless this boy that he whatever happens it will be in your love and we pray that he will recover from this. And Lord, please be with Margaret. Give her strength." Mrs. Pitts sobbed at that remark.. He continued, "And Lord we just wish you to give her understanding and some motherly compassion for this, her son, who needs her love now, maybe more than any time in his life. In your precious name, Amen."
I don't know what Will's mom heard, but I heard a strong rebuke of the way she had been acting. She came over to wills bed and stroked his forehead. He opened his eyes and looked up at her. There was hurt in his eyes. She stroked his forehead again. He tried to smile again, and closed his eyes. During that time, Dr. Jordan came back. "Thanks for coming gentlemen." He told the ministers, giving them permission to leave.
"Mrs. Pitts, why don't you go home and get some rest." Dr. Jordan said. "I think Will probably wants to be with Jamey here, for the time being." He didn't say it like it was a suggestion or request. "Or - - maybe your husband needs you?" (Ouch!)
"Doctor," I said, "I need to go down and talk to my dad a minute."
"Just ask for a return badge on your way out, Jamey."
"Thanks." I said, and went back down to where Dad and Habby were. Habby was oblivious under his head set.
"Dad, I just really need to stay here for now." I said. "Sorry about tonight's date, but -- Hey! Take my car!" I smiled despite my worry. "We'll figure out later how I can get back home again. If I have to I can ride the bus -- obviously." I smiled and added, "Even if Mom does worry!" This time I was completely aware, and I was joking.
"Jamey -- you're talking a mile a minute! Now slow down a little."
"I wanna get back to"
"I KNOW you want to get back to your guy. But -- you haven't even told me how he is."
"OH! He's -- not good. But the doctor is hoping that with my encouragement, he will want to live enough to pull through this critical stage." I said.
"And - - what about the other friend?" He said pensively.
"Oh! Well - - he died -- what?" I was confused. Dad knew that Ronny was killed.
"He was in bed with - " Dad started and hesitated.
"Oh! That! Well, I'm not gonna worry about that for now. Will was awake enough to tell me that there is a good explanation. I believe him."
"Is his mother up there now?"
"Yes. The doctor is trying his best to get HER to leave. She's not helping any. She's more depressing than anything else. Trying to find reasons to blame Will! She's an ass hole Dad! Plain and simple."
"Go back and love your boy to health, James. If anyone can do that -- you can!" Dad said and he kissed me on the cheek and left.
I stood there in wonder as he walked out, Habby seemingly oblivious under his ear phones. I'm not used to this "new" dad of mine. Then I ran all the way back up to the ICU and Will's cubicle. I passed his mother on my way up. She looked -- well the only thing I can say is -- inconvenienced! Bitch!
When I walked back in the cubicle, Dr. Jordan met me at the opening. "Oh, thank goodness! Just go be with Will. His mother is really - - "
" - - a bitch?" I finished his sentence. He answered by looking up to the ceiling.
"I don't often get as upset as I was with her. Why do people like that even bother to become parents?" He asked, then said, "Go!"
I went to Will's side. "You're not supposed to sit on the bed, but -- as Will's doctor, I'll wave that rule. Do whatever you can to uplift and make him want to hold on!" He left and pulled the curtain closed. I heard him telling the nurses to give us some privacy -- and not be bothered if I was on the bed.
"Hi Will." I said. He looked weakly up at me. He might have been trying to smile, but it was hard to tell. Are you in a lot of pain?"
He closed his eyes and barely shook his head, and said, "Dwugged."
I lay down on him carefully, to hug him. "Will, you HAVE to get better -- for me. I haven't finished loving you! I don't think I ever will -- if you get well." He took a deep breath and a shuddering exhale. I think that was good. I got up but held his hand. "I'll be right back." I said.
I went out to the nurses station. The doc was still there, perusing charts. "Doctor Jordan?" I said quietly.
"Yes? Oh! Jamey! Is everything okay?"
"Yeah."
"And please - call me Steve." He said sweetly. "You have a question?"
"Yeah. Should I be trying to keep him awake?" I asked
"Well, he does need his rest, but it would be best if he went to sleep on a good note."
"It's just that every time I talk to him, his eyes are closed and he opens them, but I don't know -- Is he asleep?"
"He's pretty drugged up -- for the pain. It's probably just easier to keep them closed. If you speak to him and he doesn't wake up, it probably means he is asleep."
"Oh. Okay." I said.
"You - - really love him, don't you?"
"I -- I think so." I stammered. "We have been room mates since the beginning of the semester, but just this week we kind of got together."
"I see." He said. Then he looked as if he was considering whether or not to say something. That worried me. "Listen, I'll be off in a couple hours. If he's asleep then, do you want to come down to the cafeteria with me? All they have is coffee and vending machines at that hour, but -- I'd like to talk -- a bit -- if you don't mind."
"I -- well -- if it's bad news about Will, why don't you just tell me now? I think I can take it."
"It's not." He said. See you in a couple hours. If he's awake we'll talk another time. K?"
"Okay." I said, somewhat relieved. I still worried, though.
Back in the cubicle, I walked to Will's side. I touched his had. He opened his eyes. "Damn!" He barely groaned. "It's starting to hurt."
"What hurts, Will?" I asked, feeling like an electric shock went through me.
"Chest -- everything in it seems to be on fire and getting hotter."
"Be right back!" I said. I ran out to the nurse's station. "Um -- my -- I mean -- Will Pitts is in pain!"
"I'll be right with you, sir." The attendant said. She picked up a chart. "Dr. Jordan said no more pain meds until morning. That's only 4 hours away, Sir. He did say I could administer something to make him sleep, but only if he's in a lot of pain. He has to feel some of it -- unfortunately."
Back I went to Will. "Will," I started. He opened his eyes. There was pain in them. "She said no pain meds for 4 hours. Can you stand it? I'll stay here with you."
"Yeah. He said, and a tear rolled down from one eye. Then the other, then lots more as he grimaced and closed his eyes. "Hold my hand." He said. I did, and he almost broke it. By now tears were pouring down both sides of my face too. It hurt so much to see him in pain and not be able to do anything. I felt so totally useless! He opened his eyes again. "Jame -- thanks for being here. It's the only way I can stand it." He took a shallow breath and cried our low, "OoHHH!" He squeezed my hand in a death grip. I had to look away. "Don't look away, Jame, please? It helps to know that you are feeling it with me!"
I lost it then. I tried my best to hold together for him. I almost fell on the edge of the bed and was in a praying position, still holding his hand. Then it occurred to me.
"God, Please let his pain be less. Let me take it from him -- if possible." Then I started to sob.
"Is everything okay in here?" The nurse came in. I was embarrassed.
Then Will managed to say, "It's okay. Jamey is taking some of my pain on, is all." And he gave me the sweetest look of love I have ever gotten from anyone.
"Okay. Be sure to call me if you need anything."
The next hour progressed from one breath to the next. In about an hour, I noticed that Will was breathing very shallowly. I pressed the call button this time.
The nurse was there in an instant. "Yes?"
"He's not breathing very deep." She looked at the monitor. Blood gasses are a little low, but not dangerous. If this number -- the SaO2 - gets too much below 94%, it's a danger sign. Watch that if you want to feel better about it. We have the same readouts at the station. If anything gets serious, there will be an alarm -- both in here and out there. Okay?" She said sweetly.
"Thanks." I said.
"You look awfully tired. That chair is a recliner, if you want to relax a little."
"Thanks." I said. How could I relax when my sweetheart is in pain?
Another hour went by. Shallow breathing was not much changed, but every minute or so, he took a large painful breath.
"How's he doing?"
"Lotta pain, Doc -- er -- Steve." He gently edgeded me out of the way so Will would not have to move anything to look at him.
"On a scale of one to ten, one being the least and ten being the worst, where would you put your current pain level, Will?"
"Ohhh -- um -- maybe 8?"
"Okay, I'm going to give you something to further sedate you. You'll probably sleep. It'll be a couple hours before any more morphine can be administered."
"K." Will said shakily, looking almost as lovingly at Steve as he did at me."
Steve motioned to me to follow him. "We'll be back later, Will." Steve said. He gave instructions to the nurse to give him a sleeping serum.
"He'll go to sleep almost immediately." Steve said.
"I want to hold his hand while he drifts out." I said.
"That's probably a good idea."
We followed the nurse back in and she shot some stuff into his drip bag.
It took a couple minutes to get into his arm, but within five minutes he was sleeping like a baby. He looked he was peaceful for the first time since I came to the hospital. "Ready for a cup of coffee?" Steve said, as we walked out the door of the ICU. There was a bench there, and I sat down and just broke down balling like a baby.
"You've needed that, huh, Jamey? I've seen so much of this. And yet I never get tired of it. I mean helping people, of course."
"Sorry Doc!" I said.
"It's okay." He said, sitting next to me. "If you didn't, you'd have to have a heart of stone."
"Like Will's mom! He's NOT going back there!" I vowed.
"Good plan." Steve said. "Do you have a place he can stay?"
"Well, before he moved home, he stayed with me -- in our dorm."
"Why did he move out?" I tried to explain it. "I see.' He said. "I'm not sure a university dorm is the best place for him when he is released from here. He's young, so he'll recover fast, but he needs to be in more of a home atmosphere."
"Maybe he can come to my home. I know Dad would be okay with it."
"Where do you live, Jame?"
I looked at him so strangely. "That's what Will calls me! I -- I -- live in Bellflower. I could withdraw for the rest of the semester and - "
"No, you don't want to do that. You'll get F's on everything. Is your mom capable to take care of him? I'm sure his mom is not!"
"My mom's -- d -- d -- dead." It was still not easy to say it!
"Anyone else there?"
"Only my little brother. He's 15, and he's at school every day."
"That should work. He won't need constant care. But someone needs to be available in case of an emergency. Does your brother have a cell phone?"
"Duh!" I said.
"Well, not all kids do. If there is some kind of emergency -- I can't think of any to tell you the truth -- how fast can he get home?"
"Maybe ten minutes. He walks to school. He hates it, `cause he's so close to driving, but not quite."
"In special cases, he could get his license early. Is he sharp enough to be responsible with a car?"
"I'd have to talk to dad about that."
"Yes, I'm sure. Well anyway, there are ways to work things out." He said. "I guess we don't have to go down to the cafeteria, unless you really need something from one of the vending machines. I can get you a cup of coffee inside if you need one."
"Do you think Will is gonna sleep very long? Do I need to get back to him?" I asked.
"He'll sleep for another couple hours anyway. We've only been gone about fifteen minutes." He said smiling.
"Really?" I said. "Guess I'm just -- I dunno! Seems longer."
"Of course! You want to be with him!" He said then he looked at the floor. "Um -- I don't know -- maybe this isn't the time to bring this up, but -- I may never see you again. I just got the feeling I could trust you, Jamey."
"What is it - - Steve?"
"This is unbelievably hard for me to say. I have studied for so many years to get where I am, and now that I have gotten here -- well at least to be a resident doctor -- I have relaxed a little. I've been pushing an idea away for all this time -- well, since I was at least an early teen."
"Uh huh." I thought I knew where this was going - - and it was!
"Jamey -- I'm almost 35 years old, and - "
"No SHIT?!" I said. "35?"
"Well -- think about it. All the years of school to just get my MD and then years of internship and now I've been a resident for almost 4 years. Yeah, it all adds up. Anyway, I think -- I -- (Sigh!)"
"You think -- you're -- gay?"
"Damn, that's hard to say! Was it this hard for you? How old are you?"
"I'm 18." I said. "Just barely."
"Sheesh! I'm asking advice form a teenager! Sorry! No offense. But I'm nearly twice your age! Old enough to be your dad! But I'm like a baby when it comes to this subject. I guess I really just put my whole life on hold while I got my education. I'm not sorry I did. I love being a doctor and helping people. If Will lives -- I mean (shit!)
"I think he has a good chance of surviving this -- but anyway -- it's kind of hard when I lose a patient, but I know even then that I gave it my best shot. Jamey, I'm not so humble to not know that I am one of the best. I love doing my best. And it's always in behalf of others. Well, I get a lot of satisfaction from it, but it always involves helping someone else. I think it's time to spend some time on me! And you know what?"
"What?" I asked.
"I don't know where to start. What do I do? Where do I start? Where do I go? Oh. I'm not asking you these questions! I'm just telling you that it seems to be hitting me all at once! I have seen lots of gay couples in my years as a doctor, but -- either I'm just desperate enough now -- or I've grown some -- or - - you are just more approachable than some others. Does that make any sense at all?"
"You're paying me a very high compliment," I said, "and you're asking me if it makes sense? It makes prefect sense to me, Steve! Haha!"
"But when you guys leave here -- especially if you take Will to Bellflower -- I'll never see you again."
He seemed to be pleading for something.
"Steve -- I'll be going to the university for another 3 ½ years. It's not as if I'll be out of touch -- if you want to keep in touch."
"Really? You mean that?" he said, incredulously.
"Of course I mean it! Here, write down my cell number and my email." I dictated them to him. As he was writing, his beeper went off. He looked at it.
"Wait here a minute -- I'll be right back!" he said and he left abruptly and went into the ICU.
I wondered how long Steve has kept this inside him. I pretty much THOUGHT I knew when I was a young teen -- if not before. Will just found out. Darrel just found out -- I guess! I guess everyone has his own time table and agenda. I wondered if Will would have figured it out sooner if he wasn't so afraid of how his dad would react. Boy, he sure had reason to worry on that point!
The door to the ICU opened. Steve walked out, tears in his eyes. He looked at me, looked away, then came over and sat beside me.
"Will?" I asked, afraid of the answer. He nodded. "Oh no! Is he - -?" he nodded again. Something died inside me. I didn't -- couldn't -- cry -- immediately. I remember saying, woodenly,
"I should have been there. If only - "
"You couldn't have done anything, Jamey. He died in his sleep. I guess there was just too much damage inside. We hope that we can save everyone, but some -- Oh, Jamey, I'm so sorry!" Steve was crying and I wasn't! I got up and started walking away, as if in a dream. "Jamey? JAMEY!"
I turned and stared blankly at Steve. "I'll call you later. Do you need anything?" He asked me. Then he said, "Wait! I don't think you're in any shape to drive. Jamey, there's nothing more for me to do here -- except -- can you wait for me? I'm worried about you. I have to notify his mother, get permission for an autopsy from the police. They'll actually probably demand it, under the circumstances. Do you mind?" I shook my head, no.
"Jamey -- sit!" He commanded. Like an obedient puppy, I sat. It didn't even occur to me to tell him I wasn't driving.
He was gone longer than he thought he would be. Gave me too much time to think. Or maybe it gave me enough. It finally registered. He's gone.
Will's gone. And no one can bring him back. I felt -- abused. Cheated. I felt -- weird. It didn't seem like I'd known him that long, but why was this hurting so much? Hurt. That's what I'm feeling. I never knew what this kind of hurt felt like. It was hardly recognizable as hurt -- at least the way I knew it before. Any other hurt I'd had would feel better if it was rubbed or if another part of me was stimulated in some way.
I actually considered going somewhere and banging my head against the wall, but recognized that wouldn't make it better. Only one thing would make it -- make it -- make ^Å Oh my God! Whyyyyyyy!
Then the tears started. I sat there outside the ICU, not 50 feet from where he was, my head in my hands, and oblivious to everything else around my as I started to wail. How could this be? Is this how my life is destined to be? This pain -- this hurt -- seemed like something eternal. Like -- how could it ever go away? Was I going to stop loving him? That's impossible!
I was not thinking of too much other than the pain I felt, and my cries had gotten down to quiet sobs when I felt a hand on my shoulder.
"I didn't mean to leave you alone so long, Jamey. I'm so sorry. I should know better. I should have walked you down to the entry and called a cab or gotten a name of someone to call. I am so sorry. But I'm finished here now. Can I take you somewhere? Home maybe?"
I actually chuckled at that. "I live in Bellflower -- remember? Oh, maybe you meant my dorm. I -- can't -- stay -- there -- not tonight. And -- and -- I have to be back in class day after tomorrow, so -- I just can't think!"
"Isn't there anyone you could call -- nearby --who could maybe stay with you?"
"I -- no. I just don't -- the only others I know both live down near me in L.A."
Steve shifted from one foot to the other several times, and then finally said, "Look. My better judgment says this is crazy, but -- maybe you could come over to my place -- at least until Monday? I'm worried about - - you."
I took a deep breath, closed my eyes. "No, Steve. That's awfully nice of you. I'll be okay. Don't worry, I'm not even close to suicidal, if that's what you're worried about. People have to deal with this every day. My dad lost my mom after several years loving her. I can't imagine what that must have been like. I'll make it. You can take me to my dorm though -- if you want. I'd appreciate that."
He took me back to the dorm. He walked me in. It was pretty deserted. It was early-morning Saturday. "Can -- can I get you something to eat, Jamey? Under normal circumstances, you should be famished."
"I'm not -- not hungry. Thanks." I said as I fell on to my bed.
"Okay, well, call me if you need - - someth -- er -- anything. My card is on your bedside table. Bye." He said. Then, "Jamey?"
"Yeah?"
"I -- I mean -- when you're ready -- I want to continue our earlier conversation. Bye."
"Bye" I said.
His card wasn't on my table. It was on Will's table. I had flopped down on Will's bed. I smelled him in his sheets, and in his pillow. I closed my eyes and it was like he was there. I pretended he was, and fell asleep.
"Jame?" A voice said. I knew the voice, but couldn't quite place it. "Jame!" There it was again. I opened my eyes. The room was flooded with morning light. I suddenly sat up.
"NO!" I cried. I'm NOT going to keep you around like I have my mom! Both of you have to go -- away! Away! A- w --a -" I started sobbing again. This time I was sobbing for not only Will, but because for the first time, I realized -- -- Mom will never be back either. I had to make a decision to let her -- let THEM go. I cried myself back to sleep.
At 6:30 PM my cell phone rang. "Jame?"
"Will! Stop! No! Go away!" I cried.
"Jamey! This is Steve! Are you okay?"
"Steve!?" I cried. "I thought -- I thought -- oh." I was at the same time relieved and disappointed.
"Are you -- I mean did you -- sleep some?" He asked.
"I guess I did. What time is it?"
"6:30."
"PM? Is it still Saturday?"
"It is. Are you okay? Sorry -- I couldn't wait for you to call. I just -- I dunno -- you just hit a chord with me I guess."
"Actually sleeping helped. Dreaming helped a lot."
"What did you dream about?"
"I don't wanna discuss it right now. Are you going to work tonight?"
"Yeah. I have the weekend. But not til 11:00. Shall we get some dinner together?"
"Gosh! I just realized how hungry I am!" I said.
"I'll be right there!" He said. "Have you called your dad?" He asked.
"No. I'll do it now. See you in a few."
"Dad?"
"Jamey!" He cried. I've been wondering -- how is - "
I started to cry again. "Dad -- He died!" I could hardly talk. "Sorry -- I -- I -- thought I had it under control, but - " I took several deep sobbing breaths. "Dad -- does it ever go away?"
"The pain? The hurt? It -- I dunno, Jamey. I still miss your mom. But somehow we learn to deal with it, I guess."
"I -- It's weird. As I was crying for Will, I started to cry for Mom too. She's gone, dad. Mom and Will, both have left me. And - - it seems -- both at once."
"You never cried when your mom died. Do you -- I mean -- do you want me to come up and get you?"
"I'm going out to dinner with Steve in a few minutes. Could you come tomorrow?"
"Of course. I'll drive you car!"
"Are you -- going out tonight?" I asked, suddenly remembering our date.
"I don't think so. I'm gonna stay here with Habby. He hid under those damned ear phones until we were almost home. Then he asked me something. He asked why he could be so sad over someone he didn't even know. He took Will's accident pretty hard, I guess. I told him that may part of his grief was because of you. He agreed. And of course he doesn't even know that Will -- didn't make it. So if you - " Dad stopped mid-sentence, then said, "Who's Steve? You've never mentioned a Steve."
"He's the doctor who - who - " I stammered. "He was Will's doctor."
"Oh! So you've made friends with Will's doctor ?"
"Yeah. He's been very kind. Well, I should get ready. He'll be here any minute." We said goodbye.
I was still in the clothing I had on the night before. I spied Steve's card. I called his cell phone.
"Steve here!"
"Hi. It's Jamey."
"Change your mind?"
"No, but -- where are we going? I'm still in my clothes from yesterday."
"Not to worry! I'll pick up some -- what do you like?"
"Normally, I'd say a deli sandwich, but pizza sounds good to me."
"You got an oven?"
"No -- not in the dorm." I said.
"Too bad. There's a great take-and-bake on the way over there. Okay, what kind of deli -- Oh! -- hey! Why don't I just pick you up and we'll come back to my place? For pizza!"
"Okay." I said. "See you in a few!"
Notes. Wow! Jamey has interesting ways of meeting guys, Huh? Comments, as always, may be sent to Steve at stevethomas535@hotmail.com. I answer ALL letters -- promptly. If you have written and not been answered, it is because for some reason it has come back to me. And -- per my experience -- you probably are an AOL client. Thanks and Love, Steve