This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it might not be very pure either! There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind if story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - - ENJOY!
Cast of Characters:
James Thomas Arthur (Jamey)
Harold Brian Arthur -- Jamey's Brother (Habby)
Harold Garfield Arthur -- Jamey's dad
William Pitts -- Roommate (Will)
Ronny -- Will's best friend.
George Wiggins
Darrel -- George's roommate
Dr. Steve Jordan -- Doctor
Grant (Buddy) Windward -- Waiter at Holdren's
John -- Neighbor across the hall.
Jerry -- John's roomie
Chapter 20
Steve's pager woke us up again -- Steve, Buddy and me. John was dead to the world. Buddy looked over at me and turned red. Or I dunno, maybe it was Grant. Then he smiled and closed his eyes and snuggled closer to John, pulling the cover up tight.
"Well, that worked out nicely." Steve Whispered. "I hope John's patient. Grant's gonna be a challenge."
"Oh, I don't know if that means anything." I whispered, indicating the other two. "John just really likes to cuddle. He must really be tired, though. He usually wakes up if I am breathing loudly."
"Oh? Has he slept with you that much?"
"Oh! Heh! No." I said, quickly adding, "I'm talking about from his room. Actually, he came over a couple times in the middle of the night when I had nightmares."
"You have nightmares?"
"I didn't used to. But since Will died, and with all that's happened since then -- yeah."
"You've had a lot do deal with." Said Steve.
"Oh, I dunno. Everyone has - "
"Don't downplay it, Jamey, for a twenty-year-old gay boy, you've had a lot on your plate." He said. "Well, I really have to go! Three more days!"
"Yeah, I'm looking forward to it. Will I see you tonight?"
"No. After my shift, I'm on call. I'll be sleeping at the hospital tonight."
"Oh. Is that normal?"
"Well, yeah, but this time it's to cover for my emergency time. Dr. Sraffe is a shrewd bargainer. She covered for me, but I'm covering for her tonight. But it's just an on-call shift. Which means that I'll probably get called about an hour after my shift ends and be busy the rest of the evening." He said humorlessly. "Anyway, go back to sleep, and I'll talk to you sometime later." He kissed me, got up and dressed then after kissing me once again, he slipped out quietly.
"Jamey." A whispered voice woke me up. I opened my eyes and focused on Buddy.
"Hi." I whispered back.
"John's a really sweet guy. No wonder you had a hard time deciding. Well, so is Steve, I guess. Maybe a little old for my taste."
"What did you do to John? He never sleeps that soundly."
"Oh, I gave him a good sleeping pill!" He giggled.
"You dog! You were quiet enough about it!"
"Yeah, well, `can't always have everything, can we?!" He giggled. "I better get back to my place. Got some serious memorization to do before our group presentation today!"
"I'll run you back!" I said. We both threw on some clothes and I took him home. He pecked me on the lips.
"I don't know what I woulda done without you -- and your family."
"And Steve!" I said.
"Yeah, well -- anyway, bye. Oh! I guess you're going to Bermuda this weekend. Have a great time! I'll miss you!"
"Oh! You'll have to catch the bus home, won't you? Sorry."
"I may not go home, depending on what happens the next couple days." He smiled.
"Hey!" I said. "Lets meet up Friday. I'll give you my car keys. It'll get lonely with me gone all weekend!" I laughed.
"Really? You're a sweetheart! Oh, and -- feel free to explain to John about my problem. Actually, I'd appreciate it." He kissed me again, and ran into his place.
When I got back, John was still asleep. I knelt beside his bed. His back was to me. "John." I said softly, laying my hand on his shoulder.
He sighed and grabbed my hand, pulling it to his bare chest. "Hi Grant. Man, you know how to please a guy! First that neck rub, and then - - where did you learn to do that?"
"John -- it's me -- Jamey."
"Oh!" he said, letting my hand go and puling the covers up. "Sorry!"
"That's okay. Guess you had a good night!" I laughed.
"If I wasn't sure about being gay before, I am now!" He giggled.
"Yeah, Buddy's pretty nice."
"Buddy?"
"Grant." I said. "He's had a hard life though. His friends told me he was schizophrenic. Steve explained to me that it's really MPD -- multiple personality disorder. He has three that I know of. His most "self" one is Buddy. Grant is his façade personality. Sylvia is his protector."
"Sylvia? There's a girl? Well -- um -- thanks for warning me! Damn! And I really liked him!"
"John -- he likes you too. He asked me to explain to you about his disorder."
"Oh! Really? Wow!"
"Yeah. Give him some time. Knowing about him will make it easier. It may have been different if I knew it. I only found out this week -- yesterday."
"Okay. Was that before or after you broke up with him?"
"Actually, he dumped me!
"Oh. Wow! Another reason to be wary."
"You know - - I'm not so sure of that. Buddy was okay and willing to wait while I waffled between the three of you guys. Grant wasn't. As you get to know him better, you'll be able to see what each of his personalities need. Grant needs assurance. Buddy needs gentle caring. I don't know Sylvia well. I think she's new. She just seems to want to protect Buddy. I think they all would respond to love."
"Still, I don't know if I'm equipped to deal with all that. I don't want to be responsible for some kind of meltdown."
"Well, he was the one who asked me to tell you about this. So if you like him, I think that you could talk to him about. Let him take at least part of the responsibility."
"I'm afraid, Jamey."
"Afraid of what?"
"I'm afraid -- for both of us. I'm afraid I might hurt him, and -- I don't want to get hurt -- again."
I knew what he was referring to. I was by this time sitting cross legged on the floor, and he was still in bed. "Aw, John! I'm sorry."
"It's okay. Really! I take total responsibility for myself. You warned me all along where we stood. But -- it still hurt."
"It hurt me too, John. I wanted all of you -- I thought! It hurt to think of giving up any one of you."
"I know."
"You know?"
"I think so. Last night with Grant -- or buddy -- whoever it was -- was amazing. I want -- more. What you have told me, I respect, and -- I will be cautious. But if you were to tell me that you changed your mind and wanted me, I'd be yours -- in a minute! But -- I would hate to give up Grant. It's confusing, isn't it?"
"Well, at least with Grant and Buddy, you get two for the price of one! And - - they are different!"
"I'll think about it. It's still scary." He said.
"Maybe if I tell you what I learned from Buddy it will help. He knew that I had three guys that I was trying to manage. He just asked that when I was with him -- that I be totally his for that time. For me that was hard. For you -- that should be a lot easier -- since you don't have other relationships getting in the way. And also -- no matter who you go with, it is always a gamble -- right? I mean that's what life is about. Give it your all, and if it doesn't work out -- you sure can't get down on yourself because you didn't give enough."
"I guess." He said.
"Now may be the scariest of all for me." I said.
"Why?"
"Because if I now give all of me to Steve, (and I can't justify doing anything else) and really get attached to him, and it doesn't work -- it will hurt. But, see, it's no different for me. Or anyone else."
"And just think." John said. "For Steve it has to be even scarier. At his age it must be very hard to lose -- someone -- in that way."
"I know. Steve said something that hurt me, actually. He told me that I was hurting all of you. Man, that really stung! But it was true. I wanted to run and hide. But he wasn't trying to hurt me. He was only pointing out the reality of what I was doing. He didn't even think it was wrong. That's what is great about him -- about an older guy. They have a different perspective -- or something."
"Well, maybe some do." John said. "But some just seem closed minded and set in their fixed beliefs and nothing will budge them."
"Yeah -- well, Steve doesn't seem that way, anyway."
"Do you love him?" John asked.
"What?" I said -- not quite sure I heard correctly, but knowing that's exactly what he said. He didn't repeat himself. "I -- why do you ask that?"
"I dunno. I've been giving it a lot of thought lately -- love." He started to say more then stopped.
"What -- what -- have you -- um -- been thinking about?" I stalled for time. I didn't want to actually answer his question -- not to someone else -- not to him. As soon as I asked, I wished I didn't.
"I -- um - " He started, "I know we're both young. I know that! But I feel like I'm old enough to love -- like an adult. I am -- um -- intrigued by -- Grant." His eyes filled with tears. "But -- but -- Jamey -- I love you!"
"John, don't - "
"No -- please don't cut me off. I have to say this. You deserve to know and I deserve to know that you know. I've never felt this way about anyone -- ever. I think about you when I wake up and when I go to sleep -- and when I -- well, you can figure that one out. You have shown me what love is. I mean real, unconditional love. You haven't lied to me. You've told me from the first that you are not ready -- or weren't -- to make a commitment. Well, now that you have, I have to tell you -- I'm in love with you!"
He stopped. I was stunned. I wished he would keep talking to fill this thick, unbearable silence. "I love you too, John -- I do!" I said, and then wished I'd kept my mouth shut when I saw some hope in his eyes. So I continued: "I mean -- you have been there for me when I was at my lowest point of confusion and hurt." He continued to look at me with his wet eyes.
I lay down next to him on the bed and held him. I continued. "You'll always be special to me -- as a friend, as a brother, and -- as a -- a -- lover. But - "
It was then that he kissed me. He clung even closer to me and whispered, "Please, Jamey -- just this last time!"
I had to make a decision. I had already opted to choose Steve -- right? What should I do? I averted my face from another kiss, and held him close. "John -- you're making it hard!"
"I know", he said, as he felt my body react to this stimulation, and we both giggled. I made my decision. I didn't say a word. I got up and went to the door and locked it. I usually left it unlocked when I was here. I then came back. I looked at his hopeful face and removed the only clothing I had on -- my boxers -- and climbed under the covers. We kissed and cuddled.
I gave myself fully to him -- for this moment in time. We didn't go all the way -- but -- I satisfied his emotional and physical need. We got up and went to our classes, and -- I felt guilty the rest of the week.
To make matters worse, Steve pulled double shifts and extra shifts the rest of the week to make up for the time he would be in Bermuda. I saw Buddy a couple times, and we hugged and talked. I felt like I was cheating on him too -- since 1) I had pretty much dumped him for Steve and 2) now was fooling with none other than the guy that Buddy was most interested in. Well, maybe that's unfair. After all, we only did it that once, and it was our "last" hurrah.
"You're awfully quiet." Said Steve, patting my arm as we were sitting, ready for our flight to take off.
"Am I?" I said. "I -- just -- it's been lonely the last couple days -- with you working so much."
"I hope that's not a problem. That's the life of a doctor's bitch!" he laughed. I felt more like a whore than a bitch. Why did I let myself be weak? WHY??!! "Okay -- now I know something's bothering you. You don't have to tell me what it is, but maybe please make an effort to come to my party now."
"Sorry." I said lamely. "No it has nothing to do with you. I've just had too much to think about."
"Oh. Want to tell me about it?" He said, sweetly. "I wouldn't mind if you talked my ear off for a time. I'm exhausted, and it would relive me from having to think much." Our plane took off. He squeezed my hand, leaned back, and closed his eyes. How could I possibly tell him I've been screwing around while he has been working his heart off. He rubbed my hands between his, as he relaxed more deeply. He didn't see the tear that tracked down my face.
But no talk seemed to be more incriminating than the truth.
"I saw Buddy a few times this week -- on campus between classes. He seemed completely normal. He has not been back to see John -- as far as I know -- but I don't know if they have been talking while John's in his room. Well, with Johns sucky room mate, there's not much -- blah blah blah - " I droned off. He kept stroking my hand for awhile, but soon he was sawing logs.
I had never flown first class before. The only thing that wasn't good was that there was not the removable fold up arm rest between us. So we couldn't really sit close together. But then, he was asleep anyway, while I watched his innocent, angelic face, which intensified my own feelings of guilt. I tried to sleep, but could not get that last night with John out of my mind.
When we landed, it was humid and warm. We grabbed a taxi to the hotel where the seminar was. We got set up in our room, and then he asked me to come to the orientation with him.
There were doctors from all over. Steve knew a quite a few of them. He introduced me as his partner. That was weird. He seemed to do so with pride, and often they would look at me and - - nod approvingly! I felt like I was on parade. At one point he whispered to me, "No one can believe I landed such a hottie!" I felt my cheeks burning. "Um -- I told them you are 22!" He gave me a guilty, smiley chagrin.
When we got back to our room, he had arranged for them to have a light supper of crab cakes and some impossibly wonderful Champaign waiting for us, followed by an island delicacy of mango with some coconut sauce. As we were slowly eating the dessert, he looked at me between the candles that were glowing on our little table.
"I was obviously so proud of you tonight!" He said, his eyes glowing from the candles and the wine.
"Proud?" I said. "Of what? I don't do anything. I don't have any - "
"Oh shut up! They don't care about that! They just can't believe that I am going with a young hottie like you!"
"That's the second time you have called me that!" I said. "Is that why you lo- like me? Because -- no! I'm NO hottie! I'm skinny, freckled and have dirty dish water blond hair. I'm what most consider a nerd." I stopped, as I realized I was way overreacting to a compliment, offered in a romantic moment.
Steve's eyes glazed over. He stopped too. He looked at me for a moment too long. The "magic moment" had passed. I had spoiled that! Finally he said, "Something's bothering you. I don't know what it is. Obviously you aren't ready to tell me, but - " he paused -- maybe to wait for me to reply. When I didn't he continued, "Jamey -- I don't just like you -- I LOVEe you. I have gone to some amount of -- well if not trouble at least a little expense -- to make everything perfect. Maybe you can at least pretend whatever is wrong is not -- for at least tonight - - ?"
My dad told me when things seemed worst -- when your back is against the wall -- do something totally out of character -- or totally unexpected. My mind was racing. I grinned, then choked on a laugh.
"What?" he said, with a perplexed half smile creeping down his face.
"It's just so funny. I can't believe my good luck to get a guy as cool, sharp and totally fine as you are. Me -- the nerd's nerd! And at the same time you think you're lucky to have me! Isn't that just too funny? So funny, it doesn't seem real -- right?"
I watched as some light came back into his eyes. My ploy had worked. I'll just have to put off the uncomfortable task of telling him about my last hurrah with John! I had already decided that I have to tell him. My smile faded momentarily -- but not long enough that he noticed. I smiled even bigger, as I thought again of Buddy's admonition to give him all of me while we were together. I felt a little light headed -- the effects of the alcohol, I guess. I leaned forward, placing my face on my hands, and said, "Geez, I love you!" I could feel the heat between my hands and my cheeks and the dreamy look on my own face.
"Finish that glass of Champaign", he said, looking suddenly devastatingly sexy to me, "and let's go to bed and consummate this relationship!" he said triumphantly.
It was most of my third glass. I had drunk the first two gradually as I ate. This time, I raised my glass and poured it down all at once, grinning like the cat that just ate the pet mouse. Steve offered his hand and I took it. He pulled me up and toward the bed. There was some low music in the background -- whether in my head or he had planned that too, I didn't know.
I floated to the bed. He pulled me to him and we danced to the music -- must be on the cd player. He held me close, and it felt so good. I lay my head on his shoulder, as he started to unbutton my shirt. "Oh! Okay!" I said and I followed suit. We danced some more, the heady aroma of his 12 hours of living, mixed with his CK1, plus his warm moist skin on my own, was intoxicating enough, even without the liquor.
He sat on the bed, and started to unfasten my belt. Still standing, I lost my balance -- just a little, He hugged me around my butt, his face in my crotch. I felt my boner thump his cheek. He giggled, and so did I. He finished undoing my fly and pulled my pants and boxers down at the same time. I felt his hot breath on my genitals, and then he hugged me again, this time his five-o'clock shadow tickling my little soldier. I giggled again. He looked up at me and smiled, before kissing it and then surronding it with his mouth.
I let a mini-squeal out, cocked my head back, closed my eyes, and rocked back. He almost lost me. He pulled me back to him and stroked me a couple more times with his mouth. I was in heaven. I felt loved. I felt safe. I felt ready to blow! I felt I could tell him anything and he would love me no matter what. But all I could say was, "Omigod, you know how to make me love you!"
"This is all so new to me, Jamey." He crooned, and then he licked my corona. "I'm glad I can do something right. I feel a little insecure because of your experience. You let me know if I can do anything better."
I stepped out of my pants which were still around my ankles, and sat next to him. I kissed him. "You're doing fine. You worry more than John!" I said. I saw his face darken when I mentioned John, but then I kissed him and we both got lost in another delicious kiss.
Since I was naked and he wasn't, I undressed him next. I almost blew it when I sucked a little too long and he started to breath faster. "Not yet!" He said, pulling out of my mouth. "Do you want it in you tonight?"
"Oh, Steve, more than ever!" I said, almost cumming just thinking about it.
"Doctor Carter said to take it slow the first time. Don't hurry anything."
"You talked to one of your doctor friends this week?" I asked.
"Tonight! When you went to the bathroom at the orientation, I told him this might be our first time -- well, at least MY first time."
"Oh." I said. "Cool!"
We cuddled and kissed some more, fondling each other to the point of almost no-return several times but stopping short and kissing some more. I climbed under the covers and we did 69 for awhile until again he almost blew his load, but he stopped it again. I came back up and lay on my back. It was time.
He got some lube that he bought somewhere, and lubed up my hole, stuffing large amounts inside. "Doctor Carter says that this is the trick -- that very few people use enough lube." Steve said.
He lay on top of me and we kissed some more, our bodies hot and fully ready to join in the most intimate way. He knelt and put my legs over his shoulders, and after greasing up his soldier, he put it to the opening, and pushed gently. I concentrated on relaxing. Maybe the alcohol made it easier, but he popped the head in easily.
"Did that hurt? Are you okay?" He asked. "I've never done this before. You have, right?"
"Only once -- last Friday."
"Oh! That recent! With John?" He asked, as he gently pushed it in a little further, watching my face for pain.
"Oh, no!" I said. "It was Buddy. That was my first time. John and I only sucked each other Tuesday."
Steve's face first lost all color, then all expression. "Oh! You meant last Tuesday!" He said looking from eye to eye. I couldn't lie to him. I don't know if I even wanted to.
"No -- Steve -- it was ttree days ago." I searched his face for something - I don't know what. He looked so hurt, I wanted to cry.
"But -- I thought -- weren't we -- DAMN YOU!" he said. He pulled out of me and pushed my legs over onto the bed. He got up and went into the bathroom, closed the door and left me alone on the bed. I heard him moan as he got himself off in the toilet. He came out of the bathroom, tears in his eyes.
"This was supposed to be special. I tried to make everything perfect -- for you -- for me."
"Steve -- you DID -- I - "
He pointed his finger at me. "You don't GET to say anything more!" He cried. He grabbed his clothes and stomped back into the Bathroom.
He came out fully clothed. "I don't know when I'll be back!" He said, angrily. He left the room.
I never felt so alone or so cold in my life. I turned over, pulled the covers over me and started to cry - - - and cry.
I woke up later. It was completely dark in the room, so I knew he had been back. I turned on the bedside light. He was sleeping on the couch. But the light woke him.
He turned on his side and looked at me. His anger seemed to be gone, but he had the look of someone who was defeated.
"Maybe," he started, but he couldn't say any more. His voice broke and he forced himself to continue. "Maybe I'm overreacting?" He asked. "Maybe there's -- no -- I mean -- I know you're not supposed to ask `why' in cases like this but - - why, Jamey - - WHY! No never mind. But -- what happened Tuesday. Is there an explanation?"
"I -- I - "
I fell back onto the bed. "Not really. He was so down and so lonely. He was afraid of how he was feeling toward Grant, and confused as to what to do. He didn't know if he was able -- or wanted to start a relationship with a guy with multiple personalities. He was sad and so forlorn. I -- we -- just -- got -- carried away."
"Are you gonna have sex with every guy you feel sorry for?" He asked. "Because if you are -- that's definitely a deal breaker!"
"It'll never happen again. I'm sooooo sorry I ruined an otherwise perfect night for us!" I cried.
"You really did. I'm not even sure yet how to react. I've never been in love -- before. Is love suppose to -- um -- transcend -- (is that the word?) -- this kind of thing?"
"I don't know, Steve. I only know that -- I know I screwed up. I knew it as soon as it happened, and - "
"You didn't know it before it happened? You had to make that decision somewhere in the process."
"Steve -- I screwed up! I admit it. I'm sorry, and I'll do anything you want to make it right -- if that's still possible."
"I guess I have a decision to make." He said. "I have to decide if I want to stay in a relationship with a 20-year-old -- ALMOST 20-year-old - who almost HAS to be immature in so many ways. I've given that thought -- a lot of thought -- before. I decided that I wanted it. Now I have to decide if I can live with this."
Notes: What's harder? Being 20 or - - being a 20-year-old's boyfriend? If I were a bettin' man -- but no, I'm not, so no speculation from me yet! Comments are welcome and may be addressed to Steve at stevethomas535@hotmail.com. Thanks and love, Steve