This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it might not be very pure either! There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind if story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - - ENJOY!
Cast of Characters: James Thomas Arthur (Jamey) Harold Brian Arthur -- Jamey's Brother (Habby) Harold Garfield Arthur -- Jamey's dad William Pitts -- Roommate (Will) Ronny -- Will's best friend. George Wiggins Darrel -- George's roommate Dr. Steve Jordan -- Doctor Grant (Buddy) Windward -- Waiter at Holdren's John -- Neighbor across the hall. Jerry -- John's roomie
From Chapter 18:
"Damn, but I'm attracted to your skinny ass!" Steve laughed.
"Only my ass?" I said.
"All of you!"
"Oh? Am I ALL ass, then?" I quipped.
"You're all 100% perfect! Perfect for me!" He talked as he stripped down to -- nothing. "We better get to bed before the sun comes up!"
I removed my boxers and we kissed and cuddled to sleep. I didn't dream. I didn't need to. My dream was holding on to me, right?
Chapter 19
Steve's pager went off at 6:00 AM. "What's that?" I asked groggily.
"My wakeup call."
"Good GAWD!" I said. "Is it even light yet?"
"Probably starting to be. I'm not a student who can loll around in bed til 7, 8, or 9 o'clock, because he planned his classes to all be in the afternoon! Someday you'll have to wake up before the sun too!"
"No! I am not planning to work for anyone else. I'll work for me, get up when I please, and go to bed when I please." I said, then I turned over and pulled the covers over my head.
"OOO! I haven't seen this Jamey before!" Steve laughed. "Well, I'm due to take the nightshift report in 30 minutes, so I'll see you tonight at 7:00 PM. Try not to let any monsters in your bed before I get there!" He said and flew out the door. Then he poked his head back in. "Oh! There it is!" He grabbed his pager and kissed me on the forehead, and ran out again.
I woke up again when my alarm went off at 9:00. As the ceiling came into focus, I looked around. Was it a dream, or had Steve come back? As I became more aware of my surroundings, I decided it wasn't a dream. I thought about yesterday. Was Buddy really out of my life? Dang! That sure happened fast! Was it only two days ago that I was so unsure who I wanted out of the three? Well, it turns out I didn't have to choose. It was chosen for me. I felt really sad and bad about the other two. It's clear that John probably made his decision about his sexuality partially in hope of us getting together.
I guess I felt the worst about Buddy. He has been through so much in his life. I hope that I didn't drive his persona deep into Grant's subconscious, so he doesn't trust anyone -- for at least awhile. I even wondered if Grant was overriding Buddy's decision.
Well, tonight I get to be with Steve again. He surely turned out to be a lot more than I expected. He seems to know what I'm thinking! 14 years isn't so bad. Well, okay 15, if you're getting into details! No big deal -- is it?
I saw John as I was leaving for school. He smiled coyly. "Steve came back again last night." I said.
"Omigosh! Good thing I was gone." He said with a horrified look on his face. "What did he forget this time?"
"Nothing. He decided to come back and try again to stay."
"Oh! So you guys -- ?"
"Did nothing. We're saving something for later -- I guess."
"You guess?"
"Yeah -- well, he's coming over again tonight to go out to dinner."
"Your treat this time?"
"I suppose that's the next hurdle."
"What?"
"He's a doctor! I'm a student. I can't really afford his life style. I hope that's not a problem."
"Better talk about it -- soon."
"I know! Hey, see yah later and - - thanks again. I still don't know if I can ever repay you."
"Pay it forward! See yah, Dude!" He said. We went to out respective classes.
I was half hoping to see Buddy at the usual places, (I don't know why) but he wasn't at any of them. I was both relieved and disappointed.
My cell phone rang. It was Buddy's number! "Hi! What's up?" I tried to sound as up as possible.
"Is this Jamey?"
"Yes?" I said.
"Are you a close friend of Grant Windward?"
"Yes -- who is this? This is Bud -- er -- Grant's phone!"
"We know. He was supposed to do a group presentation this morning in class.
He didn't show. That's not like him! After class we came to his place and he isn't here, but his phone was. Your phone was the last he called."
I felt a deep ache and fear in my heart. "Uh -- I didn't expect to hear from him today, but - let me make a call and I'll call you back. It may be awhile, but -- take his phone with you. I'm gonna call home and have my brother run over to his place and see if -- well, I dunno -- I'll call you back."
"How do you know Grant?" He asked.
"I -- uh -- met him on campus and -- uh -- we discovered that we live just a few blocks from each other back home."
"Are you his boyfriend?"
"No!" I said. How did they know that? He kept that a closely guarded secret.
"Dude, did you know he's gay?"
"What? What makes you say that?"
"It's okay, Dude. He tried to hide it -- but everyone knows. He tries to act like Mr. Cool and all, but -- well, anyway, I'm afraid something might have happened to him. His door was open when we got here and the room was very cold -- so it was open all day. His bed was made, but - "
"Which may mean he never slept in it." I said.
"Or that he made it! He was a neat freak."
"I know!"
"You sure you're not his boyfriend?"
"Look, I'll call you back as soon as I can. Please have him call if you find him." I said.
"Okay. Talk to you soon, I hope. Bye."
I immediately punched Habby's number and he answered. "Where are you?" I asked.
"I'm home. You know - "
"Don't talk, Habby -- just listen." I was talking a mile a minute! "I want you to ride your bike over to Grant's house -- unless you can get someone to drive you. I think he may be in - "
"Grant's here." He said.
"Say again?"
"He's right here."
"What's he doing there? Let me talk to him."
"I'll put the phone to his ear, but he won't say anything. I went over there earlier. I just was bored and decided to go by his place. There was a light on in the house, so I went up to the door. It was open. I looked in and called but there was no answer, so -- I went in. He was in his bedroom, sitting on the bed. He wouldn't talk to me. I called Melanie. She got her cousin -- you remember Jordy -- George? He came over and we brought him here. I've tried your phone several times, but no answer."
WTF? "Well, anyway put him on."
"He won't take the phone."
"Put it up to his ear."
"K."
"Buddy -- it's Jamey. What's - "
"I -- I -- I - " was all he could say.
"That's more than he's said to us!"
"I'm, coming home. Get dad on the phone and tell him what your doing. Ask him what to do! Call me if there is any change! K?"
"What if I cant' get you."
"Keep trying! I'll talk to you later." I hung up.
I called back Buddy's number. "Hello?"
"Yeah, this is Jamey. I've found him."
"Where is he?!"
"He went home. My brother is with him now. He's -- um -- he can't -- um talk.
"I'm going home right now."
"So, he's at your house?"
"Yeah. My brother brought him home. I'll let you know when I find out anything."
"Please do. Dude, I'm worried. He may be gay, but he's hella cool people! Maybe I should go with you -- no -- that wouldn't help. Anyway -- thanks. Oh!
You DO know that he's schizophrenic -- right?"
"Yeah -- I know." I said. "I didn't know anyone else knew it."
"PLEASE let me know how he is! I really -- well -- anyway -- listen -- here's my phone number. I'm Marty. Please call me and let me know how he is. Please?"
"I will Marty. He means a lot to me too. Take care. Bye."
"Hello? Oh! Jamey! What a surprise!"
"Steve!" I said.
"What's wrong?" He asked.
"It's Buddy -- er -- Grant! He's -- not -- well."
"Oh?" He said, casually. "What's his problem?"
"I don't know. He's with my brother in Bellflower, at my house. Habby -- that's my brother -- can't get him to talk."
"WHA-AT? What's wrong?" He said, now more agitated.
"I dunno. Habby hopefully has called Dad by now. Steve, he's schizophrenic."
"Oh! Sounds like he needs to be taken in for observation." He said. "Wow!
Often the people that you think have it all together don't at all. From what I have seen of him, he was the perfect, charming, witty young man. But -- have you seen another side of that?"
"The perfect, charming, witty young man was also cold and calculating." I said. "Yes, I saw the warm, unsure, open and vulnerable little boy."
"There are probably more personalities that you haven't seen. And if not, there soon may be. It sounds like maybe the two you know are struggling to deal with something -- we both probably know what that is -- and from that struggle, there may be another personality that develops -- an escape from the other two, who both were too close to -- well, you get the idea."
"Or -- maybe Grant was the one that broke it off with me and Buddy -- the weaker, more vulnerable one could not deal with that decision!" I said. "Steve, I'm going home!"
"I'd like to come with you." He said.
"Can you get off?" I said, incredulously.
"It's slow. I'll get Dr. Sraffe to cover for me. She owes me."
My heart did a flip flop. I wanted him to come home with me, but I was not so sure I wanted him to be with me and Buddy. "Okay. Shall I pick you up at work?"
"Why don't I drive my car? You can maybe relax a little. You must be pretty tense."
"I am! My head hurts!"
"I'll bring some hydrocodone!"
"Huh?"
"Vicodin. It's a synthetic codeine. It'll knock out your headache."
"Whatever. Thanks. How soon - "
"I'll be there in twenty minutes."
"But -- that other doctor -- she might - "
"She'll be available. This is an emergency -- and she's an intern! See you in a bit!" He hung up -- maybe to make sure I couldn't object any further.
I was more than happy to let him drive. His CLS500 was a dream to ride in. I wouldn't want to be in the back seat, but -- anyway, I threw some stuff in the back and away we flew. I looked over and saw 110 on the speedometer a few times. Does he know Grant better than they let on? "What's your hurry, Steve?" I said. "Why do you want to be there so much?"
Ignoring my question, he said, "He may want you to -- be who you were to him -- the last time you saw -- Buddy, is it?"
"Yeah, Buddy. What should I do? Should I try to let him down gently."
"I doubt he's ready for that right now. I didn't take a lot of psych but I got a little -- and it was interesting to me. He's probably in a pretty vulnerable place right now. If he is communicating at all, you should probably act like nothing has happened. But let him lead the way, and take your cue from him." He paused to let me absorb that much. "Jamey -- does he know about me -- I mean -- us?"
"Yes."
"Well -- that could be a prob -- um -- let me think a little." He said. "Umm -- It's hard to think with your hand there." He said with a slight grin. My hand was only on his leg. He adjusted himself and continued. "Yeah, Well, let me see him first. Then I will tell him I brought you to him. Let's see how he handles that much."
"Are you sure - "
"I'm not sure of anything Jamey -- and , yes, I am probably protecting my territory. I really don't think it will hurt him long term. It may actually help him to see reality."
"I don't want to hurt him -- any more than I have."
Steve pulled the car over to the shoulder. He turned and looked at me. "Jamey, you've been hurting at least three of us up to this point. Let's be clear about that. Now you have told me that you want me. That feels good -- you maybe don't even know how good. You told me you love me. I know you also love Grant. And I think -- for today -- you should be as kind to him as you can. Grant will choose the best way to let Buddy know -- that you are with me now. Aren't you?"
"Yes." I said. I think so!
"Good." he said, and he kissed me. I felt -- good -- and like a teenager -- being counseled by my -- dad.
He pulled back on to the highway. He took my hand and put it back on his leg. "Okay, I'm done thinking." He said smiling. That got me out of the daddy mode quickly. He took his hand off mine to adjust himself. I put my hand on his. He grinned. "I've missed a lot, getting my education. But I think you're gonna make it worth it!" He said, looking over and winking at me. I squeezed his hand, which in turn squeezed his -- well you get the idea. His grin got bigger. I decided I was glad he was with me.
When we got to my house, Dad's car was in the driveway, and another I didn't recognize. Was that Jordy's? When we got into the house, Dad flew to the door. "Jamey! Thank God you're here. Jess thinks that maybe you can get through to him. Habby told us that you were the only one that could get anything out of him. Oh -- this is Jess. He's one of my friends on the chamber of commerce board. We shook hands. Jess is a licensed psychologist.
"Apparently Grant and you were close friends?" He said gingerly.
"Yeah -- very close. Only I was better friends with Buddy."
"Who is Buddy?"
"Grant is schizophrenic."
"OOHHhhh! This is making more sense. Oh! Yeah! Why didn't I think of that before." Jess said. "Try to talk to him.
I sat next to him. "Buddy," I said softly, "It's me, Jamey. There was instant recognition.
"I -- I -- I - "
"That's better than nothing!" Said Jess.
Steve came over and knelt in front of Buddy. "Is this Buddy here? He nodded his head. I want to talk to Grant. Buddy's head shook no. "Grant -- This is Dr. Jordan. You know me from Holdren's!"
"I HATE you!" Said a high pitched voice.
"Who are you?" Steve said.
"Sylvia! Get out!"
"What are you doing?" Steve asked.
"When Buddy hurts, we all do! GET OUT!"
"Are you protecting Buddy?"
"What do you think, asshole?" Said a sarcastic lower voice that I had come to recognize as Grant.
"That's Grant." I said.
"Ah! Grant. I really like you!" Grant's face softened a little. "You're my favorite waiter at Holdrens -- or anywhere!" Grant face got smug and then smiled a little. "So -- you're protecting Buddy too, huh?"
"Somebody has to!"
"Sounds like Sylvia is trying."
"She's new!"
"Grant, do you like me?"
"I always liked you, Doc."
"Do you trust me?"
"Ye-ess." He said, hesitatingly.
"Okay. Good. I know a little about these things. Do you know that you are schizophrenic?"
"Of course."
"I thought so. And how is it you are protecting Buddy?"
"I won't let him talk to anyone -- everyone hurts him."
"But can you see what is happening? Buddy is tender hearted -- like you -- but he is more willing to feel it. And right now, he wants to feel it -- and you won't let him. He is very strong. And he is very hurt. So he is overpowering you, and stopping all your conscious system. You have to let him hurt -- he needs to feel it -- you need to feel it." Grant was nodding.
"Really?" Said grant, clearly taking in what Steve said.
"Get OUT! I said!" This was clearly Sylvia.
Steve turned and asked the room, "Who's Sylvia, anyway?" We all shrugged.
"That was my mother's name!" said Grant.
"Grant --Sylvia hates me. You have to convince her to let Buddy feel the pain.. All she knows is preserving him from pain -- at any cost -- even at the cost of shutting him down. Talk to her"
"Mom," Grant started.
"No! Don't call her that. Call her Sylvia. It's not your mom." Said Steve. Jess stood there with his mouth open. He was easily in his sixties.
Grant looked at Steve for a long moment. Steve touched his hand. A single tear coursed down the left side of Grant's face. Then he looked at me. "Hi." His soft voice told me it wasn't Grant. Obviously Grant had prevailed over Sylvia.
"Hi, Bud." I said, tears brimming, ready to spill over. "I -- I -- I - "
Buddy smiled through his increasing tears. "You see? You're so much like me!"
"I know." I said. "But -- I - "
"I know you can't wait for me." Tears were heavy now -- from both of us. "And -- Grant really did know what was best for us. He always does. I didn't believe it at first. He sent you that note. You know, I know a little about psych too. Sylvia came today. But she won't come again. Grant will see to that. But -- I've known for some time that I need therapy.
Guess I'll get it now. Grant loves me -- and I love him. He already told me that we're gonna get us fixed. Sylvia may rebel, but Grant can keep her in check. I think he can even convince her -- that we need to be integrated."
Steve spoke again. "There are county services that can help, Grant. Do you feel any hate?"
"No. Should I?" answered Grant.
"No one SHOULD. But was all do at times. But it seems that you and Buddy don't have it -- it is owned by Sylvia. The good news is that hate is weak. And you will be able to keep it in check until you are all integrated.
"Well, I guess I've been out of the loop too long!" Said Jess. "I've been a marriage counselor for the last 25 years."
"But thanks for coming, Jess." Dad said. "It was a comfort to Habby and me until Jamey got here. And -- Dr. Jordan! Steve -- you were amazing. And psychology isn't even your field?"
"I was pretty focused in my medicine. But psych was fascinating to me, too."
"Well, that will surely come in handy in your bedside manor." Said Dad.
Steve turned back to Grant and me. "Tell me, Grant, do you think you can handle school, your job, and therapy?"
"I might take a less stringent schedule next semester. It would mean I won't graduate. But -- I still have my scholarship. It's good for another year anyway."
"That sounds like a plan. Take it a little easier. I'll help get you in to the Santa Barbara County welfare system. You will need a friend, but try not to get too involved with anyone right now. Do you have another friend who you can share -- everything -- with?" Grant shrugged and threw his hands up.
"Marty knows." I said softly.
"Marty who?" Said grant, astonished.
"Marty, in your project group."
"He knows?" Said Grant, incredulously.
"Yeah. And the best part is -- he loves you anyway."
I told him how it was Marty who first clued me in about Grant missing. "He even knows your schizzy."
"DAMN Marty! He's already a shrink! He's come back as a grad student. Haha!"
"Well, he sure thinks you're hella good people!" I said.
"Of course!" Said Grant. "I am! Oh! Marty! Crap! I fu -- er -- screwed up and missed a group report today. I gotta get back there!" Grant sounded perfectly normal now. "I hitched a ride back home! Can't believe I did that! I can't even remember telling the dude how to get to my place -- but I guess I did."
"Or Sylvia did. Grant, would you like to ride back with us to Santa Barbara?" said Steve.
Grant called Marty: "Marty? Yeah, Jamey told me to call. Oh shit yeah! I know! Sorry. Thanks, dude. I'll make it up to you. Tonight. I dunno for sure, but I'll be there tomorrow. For sure! Yeah. Kewl! Thanks a lot! I know. Okay. Bye! Back at yah! Bye."
"That guy is Hella Cool!" Grant said. "He talked the prof into letting us go tomorrow!"
It was pretty late when we got back, and Grant didn't want to go back to his dorm, so Steve suggested we all stay at my place. There was, after all an extra bed. When we got there, John came over before our door was closed.
"Gerry's being a total ass. I just can't deal with it tonight. I discussed my "problem" with my parents."
"Problem?" I said.
"That I'm gay! They weren't very happy about it. So I've had to deal with that all afternoon. I came back here, and now Gerry is bugging me! He always does, but -- I just don't want to deal with it -- tonight. I was gonna ask if I could study here tonight at your extra desk, but it looks like you have company, so - "
"We won't be using Will's desk." I said. "Why don't you get your stuff and come over. We're just gonna hit the sack early anyway. Long day for us too."
He looked at Grant and then at Steve. "Oh! Hi Grant." He said shyly. "and you must be Steve. Well, I knew you were. I've seen you coming and going. I'm John."
"Yes, I've heard all about you, too." Said Steve.
"I'll be right back." Said John. He went to get his books.
"Well, I've had a long day!" said Steve, as he shucked off his clothes down to his boxers. He went to my bathroom and brushed his teeth.
"I didn't bring my tooth brush." Said Grant.
"As if that matters!" hollered Steve from the bathroom.
"What's that supposed to mean?" I hollered back.
"He's kissed you enough! He can use yours!" Steve laughed. He walked back in the room. "Where is everyone going to sleep?"
"John may as well sleep in Will's old bed. It's got clean linens." I said.
We all were getting ready for our particular beds when John came back. Steve and I were in my bed. Grant was in the other bed and John sitting up at the desk next to it. The four of us talked a little -- very little, before Steve was nodding off. I lay down with him and watched fixated on the back of John's chair.
He stretched his back once or twice over the back of the chair, then said, "Ohhh! My back!"
"Where does it hurt?" Said Grant -- but it was Buddy's voice. My eyes closed.
"Oh, it's nothing really." He said as he stretched it forward. It's - - just - - Been -- a -- long - "
My eyes opened up as I heard John moan. What I saw made me want to jump up and click my heels. I didn't But I nudged Steve and whispered for him to look. Grant -- or Buddy -- was massaging Johns shoulders and neck.
"Omigod you have great hands!" said John. Both Steve and I closed our eyes again, and he spooned me. The next time I woke up, there was an open book down flat on the desk, and a few papers on the floor, next to two piles of clothes. John and Grant were snuggled under the sheet.
I got up and tiptoed over and turned off the desk lamp, and pulled the blanket over them. Tears were welling up in my eyes by the time I got back to my bed. Of course getting up had awakened Steve. He saw the whole thing. We kissed and both of us cried because of the sweetness of what had happened.
Notes: What just happened? I DID NOT plan that! It happened spontaneously. This was one of about three times where I was crying as I was writing. Subby always knows best! (This is NOT the end ...) Comments are as always welcome, to Steve at stevethomas535@hotmail.com Thanks and love, Steve