This is a work of pure fiction, but based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it might not be very pure either! There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind if story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - - ENJOY!
Cast of Characters:
James Thomas Arthur (Jamey)
Harold Brian Arthur -- Jamey's Brother (Habby)
Harold Garfield Arthur -- Jamey's dad
William Pitts -- Roommate (Will)
Ronny -- Will's best friend.
George Wiggins
Darrel -- George's roommate
Dr. Steve Jordan -- Doctor
Grant (Buddy) Windward -- Waiter at Holdren's
John -- Neighbor across the hall.
Jerry -- John's roomie
From Chapter 16:
"Hello?"
"Jamey! Glad I caught you! I have an opportunity to go to Bermuda -- a continuing education opportunity - next weekend. I can take a friend -- or rather -- I want to. I could only think of one friend I want with me. Can you go with me? It's only for the weekend."
I was speechless.
Chapter 17
"I need to make reservations today. Can you call me back before noon? If you can't go -- I'll go alone, but I really don't want to."
"Uh -- yeah. I'll definitely call you back before noon."
"Oh!" He said, sounding surprised. "Okay. Is there a problem?"
"I'm sort of with someone else at the moment."
"OH! I mean -- oh. When did this happen?"
"No, I don't mean -- I mean -- someone is here."
"Oh!" Sounding relieved, he said, "Okay, I hope I didn't put you in an awkward position."
"No -- it's okay." I said, feeling very much like a liar. I never felt so awkward in my life! "I'll call you in a bit."
"Okay. Bye"
I was in my bedroom. I called Dad in. "What's wrong, Son?"
I told him my dilemma. "What is it you really want?" He asked.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT! WHAT DO YOU WANT! WHAT DO YOU WANT! WHAT DO YOU WANT!" My nightmare came back to me.
"I don't -- I mean I'm not - - sure. I really am confused. What do you think I should do?"
"I don't know how it is in the gay community, but when I was your age, even if a guy was not engaged, usually by twenty, he was dating -- well -- exclusively -- one girl at a time. That is much easier. What's normal for gays -- I just don't know."
"I think -- it's pretty much the same -- for -- us. But -- I just -- LIKE all three of these guys so much! What can I do?"
"Well, you really need to make up your mind -- I think. Tell you what: Now this is nothing I will try to hold you to, but why don't you try to decide before your birthday. Try to make it a goal."
"Who do YOU like best?" I asked my dad.
"That's not fair, Jame. I don't really know the other two. I hardly know Grant."
"Yeah -- I figured. But -- no `gut feeling'?"
"I really like Grant -- but -- no."
"You know what my problem is?" I asked. "Well, our birthdays are week after next -- Tuesday and Wednesday. If I go to Bermuda with Steve, then it won't be a fair comparison. He'll be the last one I'm with. And Bermuda -- well, that's got to be romantic. I will feel like I love him most -- probably."
"Well, if you feel that way -- why not just decide now?"
"Because now I'm with Bud -- I mean Grant -- and I feel like I love him the most -- now."
"<Sigh!> Well," dad started, "make a list. Make a list of everything you like about each guy."
"Yeah, Ross did that on friends. That was a disaster for him!"
"But this is real life, and the other guys don't need to know."
"Okay. We better get back before Habby and Grant start to wonder what's going on."
"Probably too late for that." Dad said as we walked back to the kitchen.
As soon as we were somewhat alone, Buddy said, "Oh! You were asking about next weekend? I almost forgot. Norm asked me -- to do something with him. So I guess I'll be staying in Santa Barbara next weekend."
"Oh!" I said, feeling relieved on one hand and way too jealous on the other! I felt like crap again. I left Habby and Buddy alone again and called Steve back. I told him I would go to Bermuda.
"You don't sound too excited." He said.
"Oh -- well -- I'm kinda tired, I guess. Sorry. I've never done anything like that. It IS exciting."
"Good! I'll look forward to it too! Gotta go to surgery. Talk to you later?"
"K. Bye."
I felt guilty talking to Steve while I am with Buddy. But I couldn't tell that to Steve -- or Buddy. I started to make a mental list in my head. I knew my dad meant a written list, but it didn't take long to decide that it was between Steve and Buddy. John was still undecided whether he was gay, straight or bi. I decided I don't want to deal with his decision process -- at least at this time. How to tell him -- or -- ask him if we can just be friends - -
"Wow!" said Buddy. "You're a thousand miles away. Can I come too?"
"What? Oh! Heh! You were talking to Habby. I didn't want to bother you. He sure likes you!"
"Well -- what's not to like?" He quipped.
Indeed, I thought. What's NOT to like? I chuckled.
We played some games all afternoon. Dad got some Chinese take-out for dinner, then Buddy and I left for school. We stopped by his house before we left town. I made at least one decision.
"I'll be right out, Jamey. Just got a couple things I want to get."
"I'll come with you." I said. He looked at me strangely, as if he knew what I was about to propose. When we got into the house, I stopped him and turned him to me. Looking deeply into his eyes, I said, "Bud -- have you -- um -- ever -- had -- anal?" I turned almost purple, as I watched his changing expression. He at first had a "Wha- at?" look, then an embarrassed look. Then he answered.
"I -- um -- don't know how to -- well -" He stammered, then cleared his throat. "Yeah." He said hoarsely.
"Okay. No, really it's okay, Bud. Um -- top or bottom?"
"Well -- both. Look, I didn't want to - "
"Buddy, it's okay -- REALLY. I -- um -- want you to be my first."
"But I thought you said you wanted to save - "
"I wanted to save it for someone I love. Buddy, that hasn't changed." I waited a moment for that to sink in. Tears came to his eyes.
"Jamey, I -- I am -- so sorry."
"Why -- why?"
"My other -- fucks -- that's what they were -- had nothing to do with love. The first time, I was raped by my uncle -- years ago when I was 11 years old. I really liked him. He didn't look twice at me before I came on to him one night when he stayed at my place. Mom was still here. He just said, `Boy, you want me to teach you about sex?' I said yes. He told me to turn over. We slept in the same bed. He took me fast and hard. I was a pretty tough little kid. I gritted my teeth and took it -- as I thought -- like a man. He used lube, but it was only for his own comfort. I hurt for a month after."
"Shit!" I said.
"The second time was not much better. It was the same uncle. He came to stay with us again about two years later. In that time, I had grown a lot bigger -- I mean my dick and stuff. He played with my boner that time. I liked that. He sucked me off then turned me over and pretty much tore me up again. I cried to myself most of that night. That was the last time with him."
"Did you tell your Mom?"
"No. The sick thing was -- I wanted more. I thought I loved him. I would have done anything for him."
"How old was he -- at that time?" I asked.
"I dunno -- 35 maybe."
"Where was your dad?" I asked, by now mortified.
"Prison. It was his brother who got me -- who I loved so much. After Dad went to prison -- for -- get this -- child rape -- I thought that Uncle Marvin would be like another dad to me."
"Wow." I said.
Tears still flowing, he said, "The stupid thing is -- I still love him! I sometimes wonder if he even remembers me, or was I just one of many that he took advantage of? That reality is what hurts me so much -- what makes these f-ing tears. Why did you ask?"
"You said that you have done both -- top and bottom. What was the top like?"
"I was drunk -- hardly remember it. All I remember was that he made me wear a condom -- thank God for that! That was when I was pledging a frat when I first came here. I let one of the frat guys do that to me. It was then I decided that I was never going to let that happen again. I do remember that he liked it -- a lot! Again -- why are you asking me this now?"
"Buddy -- I want you to be my first." I said, looking from eye to eye for some kind of positive reaction. "Now -- here -- before we go back."
"Wow." He said. He looked at me through wet eyes for about 45 seconds, then grabbed me and pulled me to him. He could hardly talk, he was so emotional. I wondered if this was a mistake. "Top or bottom?" He asked.
"What do you suggest?" I asked.
"Jamey -- you know I'm pretty -- um -- well, big. I don't want to hurt you."
"I think it'll be okay. I have been practicing."
"What with? A polish sausage?" He reared back and asked, his eyes revealing a little humor with his tears.
"No -- practicing relaxing. I think I can do it."
"It still might hurt. The first time is seldom that good. But -- if you want, I'll be as careful as I can. And when I'm finished -- I want you -- in me."
"How big was your uncle - I mean his dick?"
"I don't know. At that age, anything hard looked huge to me. You wanna start out in the shower?"
"Naw. Maybe we can do that after." I said. "Oh! Do you have any lube?"
"I got some hand cream stuff. I use it after working in the yard in the summer."
"Will that work?"
"I don't see why not. It works for me when I'm alone!" He said with a wink and a smile.
We took off our clothes and after some perfunctory foreplay -- kissing and cuddling -- and stuff - he put the stuff all over his soldier. He was about to try to stick it in. "Wait!" I said.
"What?? He said. "Change you mind? It's okay if you did."
"No -- but first -- um -- use your fingers."
"Oh! Okay." He got his hand all slippery from his soldier, and then went to put it in me. I tried to relax and it was difficult at first, but as he kept up the probing with his fingers -- starting at first with one, then more, it felt better and better, until I was starting to breathe pretty hard. I wanted his soldier so bad!
I turned over on my back and asked him to go for it. "I -- don't know if it'll work this way." He said. "I was always on my knees, and -- he -- oh! It DOES work! Ready?"
"I'm MORE than ready Bud!" I almost hollered.
He pushed against my anal sphincter. I tightened it up, then with all my willpower -- I relaxed. He eased in ever so slowly. I could see love and concern in his eyes. When he was all the way in, he slowly pulled out and then I wrapped my legs around his butt and pulled him back in. Each time he took it out, I pulled him back in, faster and faster. I watched his eyes continually, Not much time went by before his eyes were shaking and he looked unsure.
"Jamey -- I don't have a condom!" He said. I looked at him and pulled him back in again. My mind was spinning a mile a minute. "If the last time with your uncle was 8 years ago, and he is healthy -- then I am not worried!" I said, "Go for it Babe!"
He started to ram it home and I kept my legs in time so he'd know it was what I wanted. It hurt, sometimes a lot -- it brought tears to my eyes. But I craved for him to explode in me. When he did, he cried out like an animal. I momentarily wondered about his neighbors, but decided if he wasn't worried -- neither was I.
He collapsed on me. I pulled the covers up. He lay there and I could feel his soldier shrinking back to soft. His eyes were closed, but he said, "God, I love you, Jamey!"
"I love you too."
"I'm so -- sleepy. Can't help it -- this seems to always do it to me."
"I know." I said, grinning. "Maybe we can drive back to school tomorrow morning early."
"Jamey -- wake me up -- no kidding -- in the middle of the night. I want you! In me! But I want to be awake to know it -- and enjoy it -- fully!"
It was still pretty early -- only about 6:45 PM, so I again covered him up and I went to his front room and switched on the TV.
All I could find in the way of entertainment were old reruns of Friends and Queer Eye, but I was preoccupied with my list. I still didn't want to write it down -- not when Buddy could appear at any time. But After my initiation to full union with Buddy, I felt loved and full. It was hard to think of anyone else. I went into the bathroom and released his spunk into the toilet. Even that felt good, though it was messy.
I went back and sat back down in his big easy chair and started thinking about Steve. I tried to disconnect myself from my most recent experience in Buddy's bed. Not possible. Then I remembered what Buddy said about giving myself to him completely while we were together. I gave in to it and watched the TV - - and zoned.
It wasn't more than an hour, when Buddy appeared before me, naked, and sexy as anything. I was sitting and he was standing, so his half firm soldier was about the height of my face. I grabbed it and pulled him on top of me. I too was naked. We both were instantly aroused. He got back up and pulled me into the bedroom.
He lubed his hole up and then commenced kissing and caressing my body. I returned the favors. Before long we were both raging sex machines again. He then lubed up my soldier and with me on my back, he sat on it. He humped me up and down for a time, then got off and lay on top of me kissing me deep. I was so desperate to get off, but I let him lead the way.
He then lay down on his back and raised his feet over his head. He directed me into position, and he rested his knees on my shoulders, and told me to ease into him. I did -- quite easily. My soldier was like most Marines: Small, hard and ready for action. When I initially went in, he involuntarily squeezed me out, but after that first rejection, he relaxed and let me in. I was not long enough to do the act and at the same time kiss him, which I dearly wanted to do, but he didn't seem to mind.
As I gathered steam, his eyes were riveted on mine. At the very first thrust -- where he pushed it back out -- there was a hint of fear, but after that his look was nothing less than loving, excited and - - hungry! I started slowly and he moaned each time I went in. It was an appreciative moan that only intensified my own mounting excitement.
As I increased in speed, it felt like I was going deeper with each thrust. I didn't notice how aroused I was getting until my own moans got more and more intense. My first reaction was to quiet down, but then I remembered how Buddy had let his go. I started to grunt and moan louder and louder, and that intensified my deeply moving orgasm even more. It seemed to come from the center of my being. Then I noticed that Buddy was also moaning loudly. He got a wild look in his eyes and as I started to scream out my ecstacy, he was right there with me.
Then I felt the warm, electric feeling of my orgasm explode. Wave after wave of euphoria spasmed my body, as I heard someone screaming out with delight. Really it was two someones screaming, and I felt his warm spunk hit and run down my chest and face. When we were finished, I fell with all my weight on top of him. He was breathing every bit as hard as I was.
I tried to get off -- to relieve him of the heavy dead weight of my thoroughly spent body, but he held me fast where I was and lowered his legs. I quickly slipped out of him. Even that felt like heaven. Finally, when our breathing returned to something close to normal, he said, "That was - - indescribable. Jamey, that was the most perfect act of -- well, love or something -- that I could ever even imagine. We were like - - " He paused, unable to go further, as his face reddened and tears sprang from his eyes.
I continued his conversation: "We were like one integrated machine. Gosh I loved that. I love you!" I heard myself saying.
"Jamey," he said seriously, "I can break my date this coming weekend -- if you want." He searched my face for some approval of that idea.
I'm sure that I didn't need to say anything in return. I felt my face saying it all. He continued, "But maybe you're not ready -- or -- I mean, you have other plans, don't you?"
He had no way of knowing that, but again I know my face was doing all the talking. "Yeah -- er -- I mean. Yes, I do."
"What're you doing -- if I can ask?"
I felt the former warmth being sucked out of me. "Buddy, you asked me to be 100% with you -- when we are together. Can we just go with that for now? I loved -- what we did. I love -- you! I have to be sure, though before -- I -- can - "
"Shhh -- sh." He said. "I shouldn't have even asked. I'm sorry. Oh, Jamey, please don't cry." He rolled both of us over on our sides and began kissing my tears away. "Jamey, this has been the most powerful, most wonderful experience of my entire life. It was enough to make my uncle's treatment take it's proper place in my life. Thank you! No matter what you decide, you have done that for me, and I will never forget it or you."
"Buddy," I started but I could not put into words how I felt. "When you're Buddy, you are so wonderful and so sweet. Why don't you show this side of you to more people? The Grant that you show at school is cool, suave, and so very together -- and I'm sure many think you are as hot as they come. But -- have you ever shown anyone else this side of you? I don't mean the sex. I mean this warm, caring, sweet, wonderful boy."
"I'm afraid to. I trust you. Most of the world -- in my experience -- will shit on me when I let them see what is beyond that cool exterior."
"That's the nature of the world. You have to let it run off your back, and concentrate on the ones who appreciate you for the Buddy you are."
"I know. And - - maybe I will. And Jamey - ?
"What?"
"Don't let anyone tell you that your little man is anything less than perfect. That was more than I ever expected, and there was absolutely no pain -- none at all. You're little `soldier' as you like to call him -- is the perfect size. But most importantly -- it is connected to the most wonderful boy I've ever met."
I felt the same about Buddy, but I held it back. But I again kissed him and this time I fell asleep cuddled in his arms. I felt him shake me awake. "Jamey -- we really should get up and hit the shower -- get cleaned up a bit before going to sleep. I agreed, and we went together into his small tub/shower combination. Once there, with the hot water washing over us, I woke up again, and so did he. We performed some other acts of love on each other, then got out and dried each other off.
"Do you wanna drive back now?" I asked.
"Are you awake enough?" He asked.
"I think I'd rather do it now than in the morning.. If I need to, I'll drink Pepsis and eat chocolate all the way back.
We got dressed and set off for Santa Barbara. It was about 11:30 when I recognized the place he pulled off. I looked over and he was snoozing, so I gently applied the brakes and pulled off the highway. He woke up as I rolled to a stop. "What? Where -- Where are we?" He said, disoriented. "Is everything okay?"
"Yeah. I just had to stop and walk a little." I lied. "Wanna walk with me?"
"Sure."
As soon as he got out, he knew where we were. He took my hand and we walked out of site of the highway. We each again satisfied our burning desires. And as we were buttoning, zipping and snapping, he again said, "You are the perfect size! I love the feeling of you little man in my mouth. No choking. Just the most wonderful oral satisfaction I've ever experienced."
"I've always been embarrassed by my size. Thanks! And Buddy, you were amazing! When we were standing up, you didn't hurt me at all. Maybe rear entry is better when you are hung like that. I hope Habby is always straight. He would choke a horse -- at either end!"
"Skinny Habby?" Buddy said. "Well, as much as I found out I love little cock, I still like to see magnificence. Maybe his tool will serve better in a vagina!" We both laughed.
We drove back home. He came in and slept with me. We were asleep as soon as our heads hit my pillow.
Tap tap tap. I knew who that was. I looked at my clock. 2:30. This was too much, I decided, and also I thought, this was as good a time as any. "Come in!" I said, just loud enough to be heard outside the door.
Buddy tried to get out of the bed -- I suppose to hide in the bathroom or something. I held him fast.
"Shh" I said. It was dark in the room and in the hallway, so John cam in and sat on my bed.
"Been thinking about you all weekend." He said.
I felt Buddy move beside me. I looked over and in the darkness, it was obvious that his head was propped up on his arm. "Oh!" John said. "I -- er -- sorry! I didn't -- I mean -- sorry!"
"Are you okay, John?" I asked.
"Well, not really, but -- I just was -- I better go!"
"Are you sure?" I said. If you need to talk, it's okay -- Bud -- er -- Grant is okay with that -- right, grant?" I asked.
"No problem." Said Buddy.
"No, I think I better just go back to my own room."
"John!" I said, sweetly. "You came over here for a reason." I threw back the covers. "Just let me hold you far awhile. You've certainly been there for me when I needed someone!"
He stared to waver and he sat for a moment and considered it. "No. Thanks anyway. Maybe next time -- I mean -- okay, this is silly. See you later. Nice to see you -- er -- Grant. You guys have fu -- I mean sleep well. Night." He nearly ran back out of the room.
Buddy laughed and said, "That was interesting. How often does he come over here? Never mind. None of my business."
"No, it's okay. He has been doing it pretty regularly. Maybe this will put a stop to it."
"Really? You want him to stop?"
"Yeah. He's out of -- I mean - "
"You were gonna say, `out of the running' weren't you?"
" Yeah. It's you and Steve."
"The good Doc Jordan."
"Yeah."
"And while I'm trying to fend off my date's advances, you will be with him all next weekend?"
"Sorry. I wanted to spare you, but yeah. He's taking me to Bermuda."
"Bermuda!!!??" Buddy exclaimed. "Shit! I can't compete with that!"
"It's not that kind of competition, buddy. You asked me to give myself to you completely while with you. I did that. I'm still trying. I plan to do the same with him next weekend."
"Oh great. So I get to imagine you and the doc doing all the things we did this weekend!"
"Buddy, I'm sorry that you have to deal with my crap, but no! Steve and I have done exactly nothing so far. He's a guy I really like, and seem to be drawn to. I love you, and I can't promise I won't love him. But if I don't find out, I'll forever wonder. I just know it. So you go on your date and give him all of you for your time together. You owe that to him as much as I owed it to you -- and -- you owe it to yourself -- and maybe me. If we both give our all and still want to come back to each other, then it will make us that much stronger -- won't it?"
"It makes sense when you put it that way, but -- my heart isn't buying it."
"Okay, then let your heart think and feel whatever it wants. But be open to anything -- okay?"
"Whattaya mean?" He asked.
"This other guy -- you may fall for him big time. And I may decide for whatever reason that Steve is not for me. And I could lose you. That does worry me, believe it or not. I was extremely jealous when you told me you had a date next weekend. I have no right to be, but like you, my heart seems to have a mind of its own."
"Yeah. Like that's gonna happen."
"Well, it could." I said.
"Well, for the record, at this moment in time, I want you -- only you." He said.
I wanted to tell him so much that I pretty much feel the same, but something held me back. "Buddy, we both have class tomorrow. Look: I will know after next weekend if I want to continue to date Steve. And I will promise you this -- well, almost promise you -- I will make my decision by the first week in November."
"Ahh! Not very smart, Sweetie Pie."
"Why?" I asked, astounded in the quick change to Grant.
"Another week or so, and you can get birthday presents from all of us -- right?"
"All?" I said. "John is out of the picture now."
"Okay, both of us. Well, that's good I guess. I probably couldn't compete with any gift a doctor would give to you!"
"Grant, Stop!" I commanded. "Buddy, come back." I crooned.
"Jamey, we're one in the damn same! I love you and it's gonna kill me thinking of you `giving all of yourself' to the doctor."
"So you're gonna spoil your time with this other guy, huh?"
"I might just break the date anyway."
"Aw, don't do that! Go and have fun with Norm. Steve and I haven't gotten to first base even! I just have to know that -- he's not - - - "
"The one?" Buddy said. He swallowed hard and said, "Okay. I'll do my best. Do I get to see you this week?"
"If you want. I want to see YOU."
"You're right. We better get to sleep. Night." He rolled up into the far edge of the bed, away from me. I snuggled up close behind him. He was shaking. As I held him he shook even more and I couldn't stand it. We both cried ourselves to sleep.
When I woke up the next morning he was gone. His place on the beach is far from mine, but he maybe went to class and then took a tram back to his room. His stuff was gone. I felt empty. I contrasted that with the feelings I had not even twelve hours before. I tried to remember the joy, the ecstasy we felt being together. I could remember that it was good, but the feeling now was only emptiness.
"Hey, Jamey!" Steve's voice was welcome enough. He called my cell phone and brought me back to the real world. "How are you?"
"Okay." I tried to sound happy. It's Monday morning, though.
"Great! Can I come get you tonight for dinner?"
"Sure." I said.
"Jamey, if you are not interested, I will back off."
Damn!
"No -- I -- it's just -- it's been a rough weekend. I couldn't sleep last night."
"Want some sleeping pills? I can get some samples."
"No. What time tonight?"
"Seven okay?"
"Sure. What shall I wear?"
"Well, do you want to go to Holdrens?"
"No!" I said too quickly.
"Okay!" he said. "I thought you liked it when we went. They have good food, and I especially like that one waiter, uh - "
"Grant." I said.
"Uh -- Yeah! You know him?"
"He goes here to the university."
"Oh. Well, anyway, he's always so nice to me. Anyway, wear something nice, we'll go -- somewhere."
"Great!" I forced some enthusiasm.
I was pretty much on autopilot until about noon. When I went to the student center where I usually have been meeting Buddy for lunch -- or Usually he was more Grant -- but he wasn't there. I thought some more about his counsel to me to give my all to whomever I was with. Well, he was actually just asking for my attention. I had done that, and it seemed to work well, until later on -- last night.
So, I decided to step out of my self pity and give my best to Steve tonight. By the time I got to my room, and was getting dressed in a silk tee and a sport jacket, I was pretty much psyched up to have a good time. It was ten minutes before Steve was to pick me up.
Then it happened.
Beep beep beep. My phone was telling me there was a text message. From Buddy.
"Jamey. I know I told you I would wait. But I can't do this any longer. I haven't been to class or anything today. I walked back to my dorm and have been in agony all day. I have decided some things." - End of message.
Beep beep beep. I finally decided to look at a list I made a long time ago, of things I wanted in a partner. One of the things that stood out was this: He has to be so excited and in to me that he can't think about anyone else. At first I thought that was immature and naive." - End of message.
Beep beep beep "But the more I think of it -- I was right. I don't want someone who isn't so much in love with me -- or excited about me -- that he has to put me on ice while he decides about someone else he really doesn't even -- love. I hope we can remain friends, but for now, that" - End of message.
Beep beep beep. "would be too painful for me. So I don't want to see you for awhile. Give yourself -- all of yourself -- to Dr. Jordan. He seems to be a nice guy. See you around. Love, Buddy.
I dropped my cell phone as if it was a hot iron. I was stunned. How could this happen? NOOoooo! My body felt cold, then it felt numb, then it got hot -- all within a minute or so. The heat started at my feet and I could feel it work it's way up my legs and then up my torso. When it got to my face was when I lost it. I collapsed into my desk chair, and started to sob.
Knock knock knock! Oh no! Steve! I exploded to the door, and pulled it open, turning my back and said, "I'll be just a minute." And I ran for the bathroom.
"Jamey! What's wrong?" He said. I stopped dead in my tracks.
Gathering every bit of strength I could find, I said, "I'll be just a minute, Steve" and went into the bathroom and closed the door. I went to the toilet and dropped to my knees. I had not eaten any lunch, because I was disappointed the Buddy wasn't there this afternoon. I started to heave into the toilet, but it was nothing but some water and a lot of stomach acid. I was forcing back the tears. Then I felt hands on my shoulders.
"Jamey," he said in the sweetest voice I had ever heard from him, "If this is a bad time, I can go. What's wrong? Do you want to talk about it?"
I shook my head. "Well, - um -- I guess I better -- no, I can't leave you like this." He said. "Still having a tough time with Will?"
I grabbed on to that. I turned and cried, "I'm just so confused!" I then went to the sink to wash my face.
"Do you want me to leave? We can do this any time."
I turned suddenly and cried, "NO! Don't leave me like this. I just - - need - - to have someone -- here." I turned back to the sink.
He again put his hands on my shoulders. He massaged them and said, "I'll stay as long as you like, Jamey." I melted a little as his fingers worked themselves deep into the shoulder tissue. I almost fell back against him. He deftly caught me and led me out of the bathroom. He sat me on my chair and he sat opposite me on my bed. "You wanna talk?"
Again I shook my head. He put his hand on mine -- ever so gently. My mind was going a million miles an hour. I wanted to tell him -- or someone -- how I felt -- how I was hurting deep in my soul. But I didn't want to make the same mistake with Steve that I had with Buddy. "Thanks. I feel better just knowing you care." Well that at least was true.
"Someday we'll sit and laugh about this." He quipped.
"You see us that far into the future?" I said.
"Well, I mean -- that is -- er -- maybe this weekend -- maybe then we'll laugh about today." He was clearly back-tracking, trying to take his foot out of his mouth.
"Oh yeah," I said. I paused for too long, thinking of what I could say. "About this weekend."
"Yes?" He said, sounding worried.
Notes: What is a 20-year-old boy to do? Can he be ready for a committed relationship? Is he no more than an overgrown teen? Comments always welcome. Address them to Steve at stevethomas@hotmail.com. Thanks and love, Steve