This is a work of pure fiction, , but based on the author's feelings, beliefs, and in some cases, experience. Come to think of it -- it might not be very pure either! There may be graphic sexual encounters at times between men, so if this offends you, you are invited to retreat. If you are too young or it is otherwise illegal for you to be reading this kind if story, shame on you for reading it - - please stop here. If not, - - ENJOY!
Cast of Characters:
James Thomas Arthur (Jamey)
Harold Brian Arthur -- Jamey's Brother (Habby)
Harold Garfield Arthur -- Jamey's dad
William Pitts -- Roommate (Will)
Ronny -- Will's best friend.
George Wiggins
Darrel -- George's roommate
Dr. Steve Jordan -- Doctor
Grant -- Waiter at Holdren's
John -- Neighbor across the hall.
Jerry -- John's roomie
From Chapter 10:
"When my mom died, I hung on too long. I'm not going to do that again. If I wait til his scent leaves, I feel like I'm not in control. If I do something proactive to make it happen, then I think it will be easier to let it go."
"Anything you want -- I'll help you. What time are you going to dinner?" He said.
"Not for another 3-1/2 hours. What did you have in mind?"
Chapter 11
"I really probably should get on the road, but -- I'd rather keep you company -- if you don't mind. Anyway, the traffic won't be so bad later." Said John.
"Gosh, you don't know how that relieves me. The past few nights have been so lonely!"
"Awww, Jamey! You should've come over and gotten me!"
"Naw -- I have to get used to it."
"You think you have to get used to being alone? Come on! Why punish yourself? You know what? I'm gonna call Mom and tell her I'll be home in the morning! I don't want you to be alone again tonight!"
"I won't be. My brother is coming to go to the funeral with me -- probably -- later tonight. In any case -- go home John. I'll be fine. If Habby doesn't come for some reason, I'm sure I'll find something to play with!" I joked and winked at him. What surprised me was how my groin reacted to an innocent joke with my friend.
"Well, if you're sure you'll be okay."
"I will. Umm -- let me call my brother -- see if he knows anything yet."
"Oh, Hi Dad! Did Hab talk to you?"
"Yes." Dad answered. "His bus doesn't leave here until 10:45 tonight. That means with all the stops, it won't get to the Santa Barbara station until after 2:00 AM. Sure you wanna do this?"
"Of course!" I said.
"Is that bus station safe -- that time of night?"
"I'm sure it'll be okay. Dad, I have another call coming in. I'll be there waiting for him at 2:00 sharp!"
"Okay. He's pretty excited. I've tried to tell him this is for a funeral, and it's not gonna be fun and games."
"It'll be fine, Dad. Thanks! Bye!" "Hello?"
"Hi -- er -- is this Jamey?"
"Yeah."
"It's Luke -- from this afternoon -- the funeral?"
"You think I'd forget you this quick?" I joked.
"Listen, there has been a change of plans - "
"Hey, no problem! My friend John is here with me and later my brother will - "
"Oh! No! Please don't get the wrong idea. We still want you to come! Hey! Do you want to bring your friend, John? There's gonna be a lot of folks here. One more won't matter."
"What's going on?" I said. "I -- are you sure you want someone else there? Someone no one knows?"
"I wish I could explain this family to you! No. we WANT you to come! The place you dropped me off at belongs to my partner, Seth's uncle. Seth's brother, Chris, and his partner Craig will both be here as well as their kids -- and their mother."
"Wait! You're going a little fast for me."
"Never mind, you'll figure it out. What I called to ask is can you come a little earlier? Say about 6:00?"
It was only five. I looked at John and said, "Just a minute." to Luke. I muted the phone and asked if John would come with me to the dinner -- at 6:00.
"If -- you want. Of course. Um -- I can drive home later!"
"Luke? Yeah, that looks good -- if it's still okay that my friend John come too?"
"Hell yes! The more the merrier! See you at 6:00 then!"
As soon as I hung up John asked, "What should I wear?"
"Uh -- GAH! I dunno! To be safe -- I'm going to wear pants and a nice shirt. I'm sure it's not dressy -- I hope!" I wasn't so sure actually, the more I thought about where it was.
We both wore nice pants -- not jeans -- and a polo shirt.
When we arrived, there were several cars in the driveway, whereas earlier today, there was none. There was a Cadillac Escalade, not at all surprisingly, and also a very exotic sports car I didn't recognize. There was also a Hertz rented SUV and a little Chevy Nova in the carport. That made me feel better!
We started to walk up the stairs when an older -- rather exotic woman quickly walked out a back door of the mansion. "You come dis way, You mus' be dat Jamey Boy?"
I almost laughed, but restrained myself. She was a beautiful old woman -- probably from somewhere in the Caribbean. "Yes!" I said, stifling a laugh. And this would be John Boy." John punched me!
"I never saw him! You both come!" She said, waving us forward, and leaving no room for argument!
(She never saw him?)
We followed her through the largest kitchen I ever saw, through a formal dining room with a 12 foot ceiling, into a parlor -- or something -- the size of my home! Luke saw me and almost ran, dragging a cute little guy -- about his size -- by the hand.
"Jamey! This is Seth -- my partner!"
If Luke was shy, Seth was very reserved. He was rather thin -- almost frail looking, but very good looking at the same time. His shock of dark hair that fell across his face gave him the look of a teenager -- a YOUNG teenager. But a closer look revealed lines in his gaunt face that belied that image. He grinned and thrust out his hand. I unconsciously was careful about the way I shook it, but his grip was firm, and he said,
"Hello. I understand you've had quite a week. I can tell you -- I think I understand!" He looked into my eyes and I saw something of eternity in his. "We'll have to talk." He said, putting his other hand on top of mine, enclosing it as he smiled sweetly.
I looked at John. He was staring at Luke. Probably the blue hair and purple eyes again! Luke blushed and then said, "And you must be - - "
"Oh! Sorry! This is my friend, John."
John shook hands with Seth, then Luke.
"John, huh. That'll be a hard one to remember!" Luke said, winking at Seth. Luke actually pulled John away to an hors d'oeuvre table, which left me alone with Seth.
"You guys look so young!" I marveled. "I'm only eighteen. But - -
I get that you're not so young?"
"Yeah! We're pretty old alright!" he laughed, and his face showed a lot more wrinkles. "Luke is 32 and I'm 26, almost 27." I tried to hide my surprise. I was going to guess that Seth was the older.
"Yeah, I know!" he said, taking me completely off guard. "I am always taken for the oldest!" He smiled.
"Look, I didn't mean - " I stammered.
"It's okay! Let me tell you a little about my life -- and then a little about my cousin -- Ronny."
He told me that he was living in this place at the grace of his Uncle and Aunt. Both he and Luke were graduated from UCSB, Seth having a psychology degree in social science, and is working at the department of welfare, assisting in placing homeless individuals who desire to help themselves. Luke got a late start so was not far ahead of Seth, but he got his degree in computer science went back for post grad work.
"My brother and his partner are here too - "
"Damn!" I said, before I could catch myself. I turned beet red.
"Yeah, a lotta queers in this family! Haha!"
"Anyway, I was nearly drowned when I was 17, saved only by my brother. A guy who was trying to murder me pushed me off a ferry into some murky, freezing cold water -- in front of another ferry coming behind.
Then I fell for a string of guys -- including Luke. I pushed him out of my life at first, and lived with a Doctor. Everyone was against it at first, but -- just when people seemed to be accepting him he died in a boating accident. I was there and couldn't save him. I felt it was my fault.
"I got despondent and tried to commit suicide. Luke came back-- from Hawaii -- when he heard I was near death from later complications of the suicide --and nursed me to health. He is more my age -- the doctor was 35 when I was barely 19. Luke and I have been together mostly ever since. There's a lot more, but those are the essentials. So -- mostly what I wanted you to know was -- I know how you must feel."
I felt like crying. Someone who really understands me! "What really is bad -- is the guilt -- I feel!" I said.
"I know!"
"You DO?" I said. "It's like -- Will's not gone a week, and I find myself attracted -- or turned on -- by every guy I look at."
Seth got a funny look. "Well -- everyone has his own things to deal with. But guilt is one of the classic ones. Have you felt the anger yet? If not, you will. Many feel such anger toward either God, or the person who died, or as in my case -- at myself. Expect the anger to appear any day! And -- Jamey -- please call me when you get to feeling badly. I'll talk to you any time."
"Thanks, Seth. I feel better already. It's amazing how -- um -- comforting or something -- it is to know someone else -- understands."
"I know." He said. He saw another guy and called him over. "Chris! This is Jamey. His partner was Ronny's best friend. Well, I guess Jamey was Will's REAL best friend - "
"This is Jamey that Luke was telling us about? Hi! I'm Seth's brother, Chris. Over there is my partner, Craig, and the kids with him are ours. Jonah and Chanelle!" At their names the two adorable blond children -- about 6 and 7 maybe -- came running.
"Yes daddy?" They said in unison.
"This is Jamey." Said Chris.
Jonah bowed and Chanelle curtseyed formally and said "How nice to meet you, sir." In perfect English with a strong Russian Accent.
"Their mother is a wonderful teacher. She had to learn English herself, but we have a tutor that teaches them English." He said proudly. At my blank stare. He continued. "Oh! Their father was killed in a war over there. They are Ukrainian. Their mother could not care for them, so she put them -- and their 4 other siblings in an orphanage. When my cousin and his partner adopted their two, from the same orphanage, they decided that the children needed a mother in their lives. Who could be better than their own mother?" Said Chris. "But -- the problem was she had six, and all they had adopted was two. So -- Craig and I took two and so did our friends, Rob and Denny, and we all live in a sort of commune -- with our own homes -- in Vermont."
"More like a compound, I'd say!" Said Craig, walking closer. We shook hands with him. "It's not so much a commune as a compound -- like the Kennedy's have. We all live there in separate homes. We all work, and the kids' mom takes care of them during the day. One mom -- six dads!"
"Sweet!" I said.
"It gets confusing sometimes for some people, but that's their problem -- not ours!" Craig said, unapologetically.
Craig looked like a movie star! He had a scar on his face, but it only gave him more character. Chris was nothing to ignore either. They both looked like they must have been models when they were younger. And those children! Wow!
"Oho!" A female voice came from the spiral staircase in the very formal entry. "Did you find some other boys to bring home for me, Christy? I keep telling you, I'm giving them up!"
"Haha! Carrie, this is Jamey. He was a friend of Ronny."
"Oh." She said, now looking a bit embarrassed. "Sorry! I have a big mouth -- it's from getting my foot stuck in it so often!"
" - - and over there is his friend, John." Said Chris.
"Kewl!" She said "Are you a couple?"
"No. He's just a neighbor." I said. Funny, but she was the one being ridiculous and I was the one who was blushing!
She made a little grimace. "Unh! There goes my foot -- into my mouth again!" She said, then laughed. A moment later another girl, much more subdued, but at least 6" taller than Carrie, came down the stairs. She was almost delicate looking in comparison -- except for her size. She towered over everyone there.
"And this, dears, is my sweet lady, Adrienne."
"My friends call me Al."
"Yeah, I'm not a friend, am I sweetie?" Said Carrie.
"And this is my friend, Carrie -- who has no class at all!" Said Al.
"Touché!" said Carrie and stood tiptoed and pecked her on the mouth.
"Actually she does have SOME class. She teaches Psych 1.1 at the university. Poor students don't have a clue what they're in for!" Al said. Boy, she could hold her own with Carrie!
"So -- how did you two meet?" I heard myself ask, but could not believe I asked it.
"Actually my ex-boyfriend introduced us." They said in unison. Then they laughed.
"You think maybe we've been asked that one before?" Said Carrie, sarcastically
My blank stare begged for an explanation.
"We both dated him." Carrie started. "When he decided he was gay, He introduced me to his ex -- this Amazon Wonder Woman you see here in front of you! And - - we decided we were gay too! The rest, as they say, is history."
I wanted to say, "And all of this is okay with your parents?" But thought better of it. That's when we were called to dinner.
That girl wierded me out! Luckily she and her partner sat at the complete other end of the table. When we sat, an older man remained standing. "We want to welcome our new friends here." He said, then looking at John and me, "I'm Jacob Smith and this beautiful woman is my wife, Linda. Etta is bringing things from the kitchen. She THINKS she's part of the family too."
After a loud "Hrmph!" came out of the kitchen, he went on, "It looks like you've been getting acquainted before dinner. Why don't you stand and tell us a little about yourselves." At seeing the panicky look on Johns face, he added, "KIDDING! I know this is a solemn occasion that we're gathered here to observe, but that's no reason we can't be ourselves and enjoy the evening. I never met Ronny. He was a cousin of my two nephews, Seth and Chris, from another side of their family. But we acknowledge their grief and offer them and our new friends our support and sympathy. Are either of you related to the deceased?" He said, again looking at John and me.
I said, "I'm James Arthur -- Jamey! Ronny's best friend was my roommate, Will, -- who was also -- murdered." I had to stop for a moment for my emotions to catch up. "Will was also my boyfriend." I admitted. "And John, here, is my neighbor across the hall from me -- who has been a great support to me this past week." John smiled weakly. He looked pretty nervous. I wondered if all this gay stuff was freaking him out. I know it was for me -- a little.
"Well," Mr. Smith said, "You're more than welcome at this table or at this home any time. Are any others here to support you in this, Jamey?"
"My brother is coming in at the Greyhound station tonight?"
"Oh! Maybe we should get going on this meal, then so you won't be late."
"Not a problem," I said, "he doesn't get in until after 2:00 AM."
"OOO!" Said Carrie. "I wouldn't go to that place in the middle of the night! How old's your brother?"
"He's fifteen."
"Well, be sure you are there before the bus. He doesn't EVEN want to be there by himself!" Carrie added.
"Matter of fact," said Chris, "Why don't you let Seth and me come with you. No telling what will be there at two in the morning! Okay if we borrow the Escalade, Uncle Jake?"
"S'okay with me! Ask your cousin -- it's her car!"
"Carrie?" Chris said.
"You'll have top pay the usual price!" Said Carrie.
"The usual price?" He said.
"As if you didn't know!" She said. "You KNOW that you have to come into our bedroom and be our slave for an hour before! You can bring your friend if you want!"
Everyone laughed except Mr. and Mrs. Smith, who both looked on with more tolerance than I would have expected.
"And we can't forget about our two wonderful grandchildren here!" Said Mrs. Smith. "They have been perfect ever since they arrived."
"Yeah!" Carrie said. "What's up with that?"
"Don't worry about these two!" Said Craig. "They just need to get their Santa Barbara legs! But yes, their mother has taught them well."
"AND," Mrs. Smith Added, "They don't need their less than respectful aunt leading them astray!" Chris's eyes went up to the ceiling on that remark!
"How are you're other aunt and uncle taking all of this, Seth?" She asked him.
"I've been over there a few times. I mean, I don't know what can be expected. They had no other children. I can't imagine losing a child, never having had one, but it's gotta be hard."
"You've lost enough for a lifetime, dear." Said Mrs. Smith. "We almost lost Jakey. I think if it wasn't for Colin's wonderful love, he wouldn't have done so amazingly well."
"My brother" started Carrie, "made a really stupid mistake and -- got AIDS." She got a dirty look from her mom and dad. "Well? You brought Jakey's thing up and I'm sure our guests wondered what you were talking about."
I wasn't.
"Anyway," Seth continued, "Aunt Jan seems to be taking it a lot better than Uncle Ron."
"She'll probably fall apart when all of this is over." Said Mrs. Smith.
"Have you offered any `assistance' to them?" Carrie asked.
"There are some things that people have a need to do themselves, Dear." Said Mrs. Smith.
"Do you guys have a theater in your compound out there?" Carrie asked Chris.
"Well, Rob has a nice setup, and once a week he somehow gets a first-run movie for us to watch, plus one for the kids at an earlier time. His dad has some connections of some kind to get the movies. Rob and Denny are both so generous. But we all take our responsibility to the kids seriously -- after all, they ARE all siblings! I'm wondering when we're gonna get my brother and Luke back there with us."
"You're really determined to take everyone away from us aren't you?" Mrs. Smith said.
"Well, Auntie Lindy, since Uncle Jake bought that property adjacent to ours, I assume that before too long Grandma and Grandpa will be right next door! We all look forward to that! How soon will that be, Uncle Jake?"
"Oh, a couple years, I suppose."
"He ALWAYS says that! He'll never retire!" Mrs. Smith retorted.
"Now Linda!" He consoled. "I will eventually - - and soon! Though I won't promise that when we move I won't try to get my fingers into something!"
Conversation wore on throughe dinner. The whole Smith family were so open and up front with everything -- and each other. Carrie is a bit rough but I can see where she got it, and whereas she wore on me fast at first, she began to grow on me by the time dinner was over. By the time dessert was served, I was wishing that I could meet Jake junior and Colin as well as Rob and Denny -- and all their kids! Also this Russian mother of theirs.
My phone vibrated. I looked at it. It was that Grant character from the restaurant. I let it go to message. Part of me was disappointed. I was kind of hoping that it would be Steve. He obviously is too old for me, but - - I don't know of anyone I've ever met who was more caring and -- sweet. I hope we can at least be friends.
Something inside me said, "Give it some more time, Jamey. You're still hurting too much to be rational."
"What did you say?" John asked me.
"Huh?" I answered.
"Oh, never mind. You said something under your breath. How long are we gonna stay here?"
"Oh, that's right! You need to drive home tonight, don't you?"
"I don't HAVE to." He said, almost defensively. "I did tell my mom not to expect me."
"I have an idea." I said. I walked over to Chris.
"Wassup, Jamey?" He asked.
"John needs to drive home -- to Bellflower -- tonight. But I -- really don't want to leave yet -- but he needs to get back to the dorm."
"No problem! We are late night people! Take him back and come back here."
"Well, I thought -- since you guys are gonna help me get my brother - "
"Oh, heck yeah!" He said. "Send him back with your car, and we'll just go from here to get your brother."
I told John about this. He looked very torn. But decided he better go. "Just put my keys under my favorite pillow." I knew he knew which one that was.
After John left, Seth seemed to take that as permission to talk more to me. "I didn't want to take you away from your - - guy." He explained.
"John is NOT my guy! Actually I haven't GOT a guy right now."
I realized as soon as I said it how defensive I sounded. And - - I guess I was. I still felt guilty. I felt guilty for getting aroused by every guy that looked good to me. I felt guilty even just enjoying myself with these wonderful people.
"Jamey - - " Seth said gently.
"Huh?" I said. I was afraid I was talking out loud again.
"I've been through it, Jamey. That's why Luke really wanted me to meet you. I sent him to Will's funeral to see if -- well if there was anyone I could -- I dunno -- get myself feeling more -- um -- justified or something. I used to be so close to Ronny when we were younger, and when I - " Seth got tears in his eyes. "This is really stupid! When I decided I was -- gay -- I turned my back on him -- thinking he would hate me! So you see? Each of us has our own story -- our own conversation in our heads. So - - whatever you are telling yourself, it's all bogus -- probably."
I looked at him for a long moment. "Is there a place we can talk more privately?" I asked.
"Sure!" he said. He motioned to Luke who followed us out to the back lawn, which overlooks the ocean. When I gave him a querying look he said, "I don't go anywhere alone with any guy -- other than Luke."
I wondered what it was that made Luke distrust him so. He read my mind. "It's not Luke. I know me! I'm weak. So I stay away from potential dangerous situations."
"Really?" I said.
"Really."
Luke didn't follow us closely. He just watched from a distance. I shook my head as if to shake off a bug or something. I lowered my voice. "I wonder if I have the same problem! Will's not dead a week yet -- almost though -- but I seem to be excited -- sexually by every guy that is nice to me or looks good to me!" I was on the edge of crying.
Seth smiled. "Okay. Here's the deal, Jamey." He started. "You are what, 19?"
"18."
"Close enough! We're MADE to be a sexual machine at your age. Everything that happens is sexual. If we get angry we want to fuck someone's brains out. If we're happy, we want to fuck our own brains out! If we're sad or hurt, we need comfort and understanding and -- just want to have someone fuck our brains out -- to forget the pain!"
I had to laugh! He did to. Even Luke heard what Seth said and was laughing. "So you are not wrong in your feelings. Sex is how we normally deal with almost every situation in our teens -- and ^Å even now at my age!" he said smiling. "Be happy about that. Some people miss it altogether and - - anger is all they know. If they are not happy -- they are angry.
"I have known some guys who wouldn't know sadness." He continued. "Their life is sad. They have every reason to be sad sometimes. But they go immediately to anger every time. For them it's a defense mechanism. Well - - maybe with you, sex is YOUR defense mechanism. And then you feel guilty."
"Yeah." I said, amazed that he was telling me my own story! "Where did you learn this stuff?" I asked.
"I counsel homeless people, remember? And -- I have lived enough life for any two people!" At that his smile faded, and he got a faraway look. "Anyway," he said, his smile returning, "lighten up on yourself. I'm not telling you to go out and fuck your brains out. Just to be aware that this is what's happening in your body at this time in your life."
"Is this what you did?" I asked.
"Everyone's situation is different and everyone handles their situation differently than someone else. That's how I justify my actions, I suppose, but -- remember? I tried to kill myself."
"Oh! Yeah." I said. "Sorry."
"No need to be sorry, Dude. I deal with this. I'll never do that again. And part of the reason for this is -- I remind myself how senseless it was every time I am reminded of it."
He beckoned Luke over with his head. "And this little brown dude here is the other reason I'll never do it again!" He said, and he pecked Luke on the lips. "You'll find someone else once you are done grieving Will. I promise."
"I'm not really that worried about finding someone else, really" I said. "I just feel like crap because Will's been gone barely a week and already I seem to be attracted to all these other guys. What's wrong with me?"
"I don't know how to tell you any other way, Jamey. Nothing's wrong with you." Seth said. "Okay -- This is probably going to hit you pretty hard -- well, maybe. But -- well, anyway -- when did you meet Will?"
"The middle of August -- the first day of school."
"And -- was he your partner?"
"My sexual partner?" I said, confused where this was going. "We did some stuff."
"No. Like Luke is my partner."
"No. Not at all. He was my boyfriend. As roommates we played around a little, but the beginning of last week we -- I mean he -- asked me to be his boyfriend." I answered
"Were you surprised that he asked you?" said Seth.
"Kind of." I said.
"Why?"
"I don't know -- maybe because he's never had a boyfriend before."
"Have you?"
"Um -- no. But I wanted one!" I avowed.
"And - - he didn't?"
"He didn't -- didn't know -- that he would even be interested -- before me."
"Oh!" Said Seth. "I was under the impression he was pretty close with Ronny. I just assumed -- well, that was stupid of me! There I went, letting my old prejudices affect me again -- or -- still!"
"They were very close friends." I said. "They experimented -- a lot! Will told me that they regularly did oral on each other -- up until we started going together."
"But -- he didn't think he was gay?"
"Nope." I said.
"Hrmph. And -- please forgive me for this, Jamey, but -- you don't think they were doing anything the night that - "
"He told me they didn't. I believe him!" I said.
"Okay. Then so do I. But what I'm trying to understand -- and maybe help you understand -- is this: You knew him less than 4 months. You played a little as roomies. You said he asked you to be his boyfriend. Do you think he was convinced he was gay by that time?" Asked Seth.
"I think he was, yeah."
"Did you -- do anything to consummate your relationship? Sorry Dude, this may be important."
"Yes. Actually he moved out after asking me to go with him. But he came over and we did have sex."
"What kind of sex?"
"What?" I said. "Gay sex!" I was getting a little irritated.
"I'm sorry, Jamey. It probably doesn't matter at all. I'm just trying to understand a little before - -"
"Before what?" I said.
"Before -- well -- telling you where I'm going with all this -- I guess." He sounded repentant and unsure now.
"I'm sorry, Seth" I said. "I guess I'm a little too defensive. Go ahead."
"Jamey, I only want you to consider this. I really don't know you and I of course didn't know Will at all. So I could be completely off track. This is just something to think about -- nothing more. A possibility."
"Okay." I told myself to listen to this older, experienced man.
"I'm only 27, but you know I have experienced more than my share of -- um -- life! It just seems to me that you didn't know Will long enough - to really be in love with him. Did you think you were in love?"
"I -- I -- thought -- I mean -- I don't know. I know I loved him."
"Yeah, that's a hard one to discern. Love' versus in love'. Well, I can't tell you that. But from my experience -- I think you were in the first stages of a romance. And it could have ended any other way, and you would have gone your way and said, `Well, that was a sucky experience. I hope next time is better.' But that's not how it ended. It ended where he was taken from you in the worst way possible. So you feel some kind of obligation to him you would't have felt, otherwise." Seth paused for a moment. I was trying to sift through all he said and it was making more sense than I wanted it to.
"Jamey, I just think you are a victim of a huge guilt complex because a friend was brutally murdered. I think you have this feeling that if you moved on so soon, that his death would be made suddenly senseless -- or something. But here's the truth his death was ALREADY senseless. You could not make it any more so. His father was the one who made it senseless. You had nothing to do with it."
"Oh." I said. I felt angry, and -- kind of relieved or something, and -- kind of still guilty feeling -- for feeling relieved. I was so mixed up!
"And I'm willing to bet," Seth continued, "that you have been telling yourself things like, `If only I had - - blah blah blah -- he would not be dead.' Am I right? Tell me one thing you have been telling yourself - that you could have saved him!"
"I -- uh -- well, yeah -- that's -- um -- I did think to ask him to come to Bellflower with me last weekend. But I didn't because he said he wanted to tell his dad in person -- about us. If only I had asked him. He'd probably have been with us on Friday night."
"Was there any other reason you didn't ask him?" Asked Seth.
"Damn!" I said. "Are you a mind reader or something?"
"No. But I am getting pretty good at reading faces."
"I knew that he was going to also see -- Ronny -- and tell him about us." I said quickly.
"And - ?"
"And -- what?"
"There's more. You weren't finished."
"I was finished!"
"Think!" Seth commanded. "We're close to something here!"
"(SIGH!) And -- um -- I was afraid -- er -- mm - " I started to get emotional. "I was afraid that when he told Ronny -- that Ronny would change his mind."
"Change his mind? About what, Jamey?"
"Will had -- (gasp!) asked Ronny to go with him the week before he asked me!" I broke. I started blubbering. As if on cue, both Seth and Luke surrounded me. And hugged me. As I cried, I had to admit -- I wasn't as "in love" as I wanted to think I was. What I saw as love -- after Will died -- was more guilt than love. I loved Will! I did! I always will love him. But -- I started to see more clearly -- put it more in perspective.
They took me into a room off the entry. A dark room with no windows. They sat down with me on a couch and let me cry for a few moments. Then Seth said, "I think maybe you see a little more clearly now. It won't mean that the hurt will all of a sudden go away. But with understanding you can put things in better perspective. Huh?"
"I nodded."
"I doubt anyone is planning to use the theater tonight. Stay here awhile and gat yourself together, while Luke and I go back out and cover for you."
"Thanks." I looked around and sure enough! This WAS a theater. A large screen at one end, and a control center at the other, with couches, love seats and chairs set up in rows. Seth lifted my feet up onto the couch and put a pillow under my head.
"Stay with Jamey, Luke. I'm going out and tell the rest of them that we are involved in here." He said to Luke. Then he came down next to my face. "And Jamey -- You're gonna be just fine! And stop worrying about what my family will think!" He was "reading my face again", I guess! Seth walked out and closed the door. Luke sat on the floor next to me, and put his head on my hand.
I was on overload. I was amazed how comforting it was to just have Luke's head touching my hand. Seth had indeed given me a lot to think about. I gasped again and started to weep. Only this time, it felt cleansing. I barely noticed that I was stroking Luke's silky hair, as I became calmer and calmer. Finally, I said, "Where did Seth learn all that stuff?"
"His degree is in psychology and he's been counseling homeless people for the last 5 years. And of course he had his own experience to call upon. I'm telling you, he's helped me more than once!"
"I thought you saved him."
"Well, he had lost the will to live before I came back."
"Came back?"
"When Seth got together with the doctor, I was so hurt I went back to Hawaii. When I heard he was near dying, I came back. I nearly lost him."
"So -- are you -- I mean -- you're doing post grad work now?"
"Yeah."
"And -- you and Seth are married?"
"Not legally. Maybe someday. Seth's brother -- well you know Chris -- wants us to move back there with them. Maybe we'll do it there. Or maybe it will be legal all over by then. I'm in no hurry. We're fine."
"How do you -- well, never mind!"
"What?"
"It's nothing -- none of my business."
"No really it's okay. We don't have any secrets."
"It's not -- well, it's not anything to do with secrets. Do you work?"
"Not exactly."
"Well, obviously your post grad work probably keeps you busy."
"Seth works because he likes to work. He could go on and get more education if he wanted. But he's happy doing what he's doing. That may be the only thing that would keep us here. When I went back to Hawaii -- the big island -- my father was ill and he called me and my sister to him. He had not spoken to me in a few years. Disowned me because I am gay. But in his illness, he had second thoughts. I think my sis talked to him too."
"Wow!" I said. "How is he?"
"After a long period of illness, he died -- two years ago."
"I'm so sorry." I said. He nodded.
"My sister and I inherited his business -- which practically runs itself."
"What kind of business runs itself?" I queried.
"Well, let's say my part in it is minimal. My sis is over there and keeps herself involved enough to know what's happening. It's one of the island airlines. We just fly among the islands."
"You own an airline?" I said, amazed.
"Just a small one. But it's enough." He said.
"Heh!" I said, "It's no wonder you can afford to live in a place like - "
"Oh, Uncle Jake won't let us pay a cent! He is a saint and a prince!"
"Sweet!"
"Yeah. We'll probably move back with the other guys eventually. But when we do, we'll have to maintain a house plus cook and everything."
"Cook?"
"Oh yeah! Etta makes all our meals and cleans our place -- changes the linen and towels -- it's great! And believe me -- I'm thankful!"
"I'm thankful too!" Said Seth, coming back in. "For you!" And he kissed his again. "What are you thankful for?"
"For everything your aunt and uncle do for us."
"It's not as if you couldn't afford it!" Said Seth. "He owns an airline, you know!" Seth said to me.
"Half own!" Luke objected. "Quarter own, counting you!"
"Can't count me -- we're not married yet!" Seth stuck out his tongue.
"Any time you want to go back - " Luke started.
"I'm in no hurry. Besides, first off, it's not legal here, and secondly -- it's not even considered a marriage there either. It's a legal domestic partnership."
"Details! Haoli, someday you're gonna get buried in them!"
"Do you have any more questions you want to ask us?" Seth asked.
I did. Seth told me how he discovered he was gay. And a lot more details about his close calls with death. I asked about Jake junior -- how he got AIDS. They said it would be better to hear that from him -- someday. "He used to be really embarrassed to talk about it, but he's willing to now, with so much time since it happened."
We talked for another hour or so, when Chris found us. "Hey, we probably better get going.
Besides my brother has monopolized you long enough!" He said with a grin. "He WAS closer to Ron."
Notes: If all of these new people confuse you, they will excite all of my long time readers. They each have their own stories, posted as html's below that you can copy to your browser -- if you want. Feel free to comment, but I will be on vacation for a cpl weeks. Thanks and Love! Steve stevethomas535@hotmail.com If you write and ask, I will give you a complete set of links to all my stories.
These are the fiction. They are better if taken in order:
/nifty/gay/college/colins-story/ COLIN (40 Chapters)
/nifty/gay/college/chris-crossed/ CHRIS_CROSSED/SETH (34 & 32 Chapters)
/nifty/gay/college/denny-comes-out/ DENNY-COMES-OUT (19 Chapters)
/nifty/gay/college/rob/ ROB (Continuation of Denny -- 21 Chapters)
/nifty/gay/college/leonards-lust/ LEONARDS-LUST (30 Chapters)