All the usual disclaimers apply here. If you are NOT of legal age in your country to read this, then please leave now. However, if you are of legal age, then enjoy.
This is a very true story, the story of my first love, its tragic, but beautiful. If you are easily moved to tears you might want to reconsider reading this. I will try to write more of it, but as you can imagine its hard. To this day I feel the pain of his absence, so when I work on this story I find myself an emotional mess for days. Ok, let's get to it. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you "James' Story"
As usual, I welcome all comments, good and bad. justinmelikes@gmail.com I will respond as I can to each and every one of you.
James' Story -- Chapter 1
The day started out like any other day, I wouldn't say our lives were boring, just nicely settled into a comfortable routine. I heard the quiet foot step's I had been waiting to hear, those quiet foot step's that told me he was finally awake. I knew the routine well, he would take his shower, then he would head straight for the kitchen for his coffee, I would have it ready for him. Right on cue he stepped out of the bathroom in only his briefs, oh what a sight he was to behold, and headed for the kitchen.
I heard his steps on the stairs as he headed down, I poured his coffee, black with one spoon of sugar, and set it in his usual place at the breakfast table. Once that was done I turned and started cooking breakfast. As I knew he would, he walked up behind me, put his arms around my waist and kissed me on the back of my neck. I always loved this part of the day more than any other.
The newness of the day, the promise of learning something new, and expectation of great things to come by the end of the day. James sat at the table sipping his coffee and reading the paper, as was his usual morning routine. I stood at the stove cooking breakfast, it would be an unusually heavy breakfast this morning, as we both had finals and I knew neither of us would be up for lunch.
With breakfast out of the way I set about putting the dishes in the dishwasher and cleaning up the kitchen while he went up to get dressed and gather up the numerous books he had spread all over the bedroom. I looked at the table and spotted the stack of papers for his chemistry finals; scheduled for this morning, and knew he would soon be searching frantically for them.
"Brian!! Have you seen my chemistry papers?" "They are down here on the table." I couldn't help but to smile to myself. We knew each other better than we knew ourselves.
I heard the frantic pounding of feet on the stairs and knew that he was in full panic mode. He was brilliant, probably the most intelligent person I know, but he always fell apart with his finals. I, on the other hand, tended to panic during the year, but somehow always managed to stay calm for finals, if only I could project my calmness on to him.
I heard the hall closet door open, and knew that he was ready to head out. I was lucky, today was the last day of finals for me, and my last one was not scheduled until 1:00 P.M. so I had plenty time for last minute study. Jonathon's final for today was scheduled for 10:00 A.M. and it was already 9:15 A.M. He was undoubtedly worrying about being late, though he was never late for anything.
He came back into the kitchen at nearly a full sprint, yeah, he was in full panic mode right now. I grab him on his way though, pulled him tight to me, looked into those beautiful eyes, and saw for myself just how panicked he really was.
"James stop! Just stop. Take a deep breath. Everything is going to be just fine, you are the most brilliant person I know, you will do just fine." Then I leaned in and kissed him. I knew this would calm him down a bit, if only for a little while. I felt him melt, and knew my goal was reached.
"Bri, I love you so much, thanks."
"I love you more, and you really will be ok. I promise. Now, let's go over the plans one more time. You are leaving right after class and headed home. Right?"
"Yeah, and you will head down as soon as you are done. Oh shit! Did you pack our clothes?" Well, there was the panic again.
"Yes baby, I packed everything last night while you were studying. I will pack it all in to my truck after class and be right behind you. I'll call you as soon as I'm on the road."
"Ok. I'll stop and get some groceries and things, I'm sure your parents aren't prepared for company." With that he leaned in and kissed me again. It was going to be hours before I saw him again, and I felt empty already. "I've got to go, I'll be late." With that he was out the door. I heard his truck start up then he was gone.
I finished cleaning up the kitchen; paying attention to make sure things would be ok for the month we were planning on spending down in Pineville. I smiled to myself; It will be so good to be home for a while. I was so excited to see my parents and his parents too, and of course all of our friends. I finished up and headed upstairs to take a shower and get ready for my last final of the year.
I was feeling confident when I returned home that I had aced my final. History had always been a strong subject for me. I had to smile thinking that next year he would start Law School and I would start Medical School. It was going to be an exciting year. But for now the summer stretched out before us, and it was going to be a wonderful summer. We had already made plans to dig out the bikes and head down to our spot for a few days camping. I could hardly wait!
I took all the suit cases out to the truck, then our laptops and camera equipment. I made one last pass through the house to make sure I hadn't forgotten anything, then out the door. As I locked the door I remembered that I had left my cell phone on the bar in the kitchen. I went back in and retrieved it.
As I got into the truck my phone started ringing, it was his ring tone so I knew he was on the road and wondering why I hadn't called him yet.
"Hey baby."
"Hey babe. Where are you?"
"I'm just getting into the truck, I'll be on the road in like 30 seconds." I had to laugh, he was always so scheduled. "Where are you?"
"I'm just outside Centerville, I'll be there in about an hour and half. It's 3:30 now, so you should be in about 7:30 -8:00?"
"Yeah, sounds right. I need to stop and gas up, and I think I'll stop at Manny's on my way out for a sandwich, breakfast has long since worn off."
"Ok, be careful, please! I'll call you when I get there."
"Ok baby, you be careful too, I love you so much."
"I love you too baby, see you in a few hours."
I was almost at the store that we always used, I pulled up to the pumps, got out, swiped my card and started filling up my truck. My thoughts wondered as I waited for the pump to click off. I smiled at the thought of him waiting for me when I got home. Home, back to where it all began, back to the one place on this planet that was unchanging and always made me feel safe. I could see him standing in the drive way waiting to give me a kiss, to help me unload the bags. I could see my Dad also waiting for his hug and kiss, and of course my Mom would be standing there, tears in her eyes, happy to see us again.
Our parents never batted an eye when we came out to them. I think my dad summed it up best. He sat there with his usual stoic look and said. "Son, we have known for some years now that you two were much more than friends. We know your love is real, and it doesn't matter to us that, that love is for another boy. What matters to us is that he obviously makes you happy, and you obviously love him, and he loves you." With that he had gotten up, walked over to where we sat, stood James up, gave him a big hug and said "Welcome to the family son." And that was that. His parents had said much the same thing.
From that point on I was part of his family, his parents called me son, and my parents did the same. The pump clicked and interrupted my thoughts. I decided to walk in and get a soda for the trip down. I drove the short distance to Manny's and got a sandwich that I ate on the road. I was already missing him so much it hurt, I didn't want to take time to eat it there, that time would get me closer to him.
I was two hours into my trip when it dawned on me that I he hadn't called yet. I was worried that he might have had trouble with is truck, or a flat tire or something, so picked up my phone, said his name into the voice activated speed dial and waited for it to connect. It rang and went to voice mail. This was odd. But there were a few dead spots between here and there so maybe he was just running late and in one of those spots. I put my phone back down and decided that if I hadn't heard from him in half an hour I would try again.
I turned the radio back up, and continued on my way. About 20 minutes later I got the call that would change my life forever. The call that no one wants to get, but it's inevitable that we all will at some point in our lives. The phone rang, but it wasn't his ring tone, it was my parents ring tone. I grabbed the phone and answered it.
"Hello."
"Bri where are you?" I could tell by the tone of her voice that she was upset, my heart immediately started beating faster.
"I'm almost to Marquez, why? Mom, what's wrong?" I was borderline frantic by this point.
"Honey James was in an accident, he's been taken to the hospital in Blythe. You're father and I are on our way, David and Margie are out of town, but they are catching the next flight back."
I swerved and almost ran off the road. I slammed the brakes and brought the truck to a stop on the shoulder of the road. I couldn't speak, I couldn't breathe. My mind was racing. I was about two and a half hours from Blythe. They were an hour from Blythe. He was there alone! "Mom, how bad is it?"
" Are you stopped?" that was not the response I was hoping for.
"Yes! I'm stopped! How bad is he?" I was almost screaming by this point.
"The highway patrol that called us said the accident was pretty bad, he apparently was hit by an 18-wheeler, not head on, but close enough. He said he was air lifted to Blythe Regional, it's the only level one trauma center in the area."
I just sat there. I couldn't breathe; I didn't know what to do. I knew I had to get to him, but how. The tears were hot as they ran down my face, he needed me and I wasn't there. I had to get there! Finally I heard my Mom yelling for me to talk to her. "Mom, I can't breathe!"
"Brian. You have to get yourself together. You have to drive and you have to be in control. Brian do you hear me?"
"Yes Mom. I'm on my way. When you get there tell him that I'm on my way. I'll be there as fast as I can. Mom, please call me when you get there, I want to know how he's doing. Mom, Please!"
"Brian you drive safe. We don't need both of our boys in the hospital tonight. We will be there shortly. You're father is driving way to fast, it won't take long. I'll call you as soon as I have some news for you. Brian please be careful."
"I will...I promise."
I sat there for a few more minutes trying to collect myself. He was going to be ok I told myself. Now I had to get to him. I put the truck in drive and hit the accelerator, tires squealing as they made contact with the pavement.
In just over and hour and fourty five minutes I was there. I knew my Mom would be upset that I had driven so fast, but I didn't care. It never dawned on me that she had not called when she should have. I was just happy to be there. I would be with him in a few minutes. I ran across the parking lot to the entrance, the guard on duty must have thought I was crazy the way I ran past him, he was right. I stopped short, turned back to him and yelled. "Where is the surgical ward?" He just looked at me and said "3rd floor." I found the nearest stair well and headed for the 3rd floor.
I burst through the doors winded from running up 3 flights of stairs, and frantically scanned all the signs for the one that would tell me where the waiting room was, as I was sure he was still in surgery. I found what I was looking for and headed in that direction. I walked around the corner to find my Mom and Dad sitting on a bench in the hallway, heads down and tears in their eyes. I didn't notice the Dr. Sitting with them at first; he was sitting there with his hand on my Dads shoulder. I stopped dead in my tracks. My heart was pounding so hard I could feel my shirt moving with its rhythm. It was my Mom that noticed me standing there.
She got up and walked over and hugged me tight. "Brian come sit down. We need to talk to you."
"Mom NO! Tell me now!" The Dr. came walking up just then.
"Son, it would be better if you came and sat with us."
"I don't want to sit down, I want someone to tell me what's going on! How is James?" I was screaming at this point, I knew in my heart it was bad, I was using every ounce of strength I had to keep myself together. My Dad walked up and put his arms around me as if to hold me up. What he said was simple, to the point, and cut so deep I thought I would bleed to death right there in the hall.
"Brian. James didn't make it son. His injuries were too severe; there wasn't anything they could do for him. I'm sorry son.
The last thing I remember was looking into my father's eyes and knowing he was telling me the truth. James was dead! When I came to I was on a bed in a small room just off the hall where we had been standing. The first person I saw was my Mom. "There you are. How do you feel?"
"What happened?"
"You fainted son. Good thing your father was there, he caught you and the Dr. helped him get you into this room."
"Mom, is this real? Is he really dead? Mom please tell me this was dream."
"I can't do that son. James really is gone. Son he was gone before they got him here, he was just hurt too bad." I could tell she had been crying, her eyes were red and swollen. He was trying to keep her voice calm, for me I'm sure, but she was losing the battle.
"Where is Dad?" I had just realized he was not in the room with me.
"He's gone to get David and Margerie from the airport, they'll be here in a little while."
With that the reality started sinking in, my parents had never lied to me, so I knew beyond any doubt that this was all real. I started to cry, my body shaking uncontrollably. I just kept screaming NO! NO! NO! over and over, he can't be gone! I saw my mother get up and go over to a small table and pick something up. She too was crying. When she came back I saw that she had a syringe in her hand. She didn't say anything; she just lifted my sleeve and stuck it in, the contents stung as they went in. That made me stop and look up at her.
"What was that Mom?" I asked rubbing my arm.
"Just a little something to help you calm down a bit." She had tears in her eyes, she never could stand to see her baby boy in pain.
"I don't want to calm down! I want to go to him! I need to be with him! Mom I can't live without him. Please Mom, take me to him!" It was at that point that I started feeling the effects of whatever she had given me. I suddenly couldn't keep my eyes open, my arms felt like they weighed 1000 pounds. I forced my eyes to open and looked into her eyes, she was crying as well. "You will live without him son, he would want you too. You are stronger than you know, trust me." Then I was gone.
The next time I woke up I was on the couch in the den in my parent's house. Slowly my thoughts began to coalesce, I was aware of where I was, I was aware that there were voices in the kitchen, not far from where I had been sleeping. I had no sense of time, I had no idea how long I had been out, what time it was, or how I had gotten here. I lay there in the darkness and it all came back to me suddenly. James was gone. I couldn't save him.
The sobs racked my body again, I sat up, put my head in my hands and just let it take control of me. I was no longer screaming, but crying, mourning my loss. I felt hands on me and looked up to see all of my parents there, all 4 of them. I leaned into my father and just cried. He sat down and held me while I let it out. James's father sat on the other side of me and held my hand while my mother and James's mother sat on floor in front me, also touching me.
I don't know how long we sat like that, or how long I cried, it felt like hours, an eternity. Finally I sat up and looked at them all. "I'm so sorry; I shouldn't have fallen apart like that." I was, after all, the one that kept his cool in stressful situations. I took a deep breath in an attempt to steady myself. But I suddenly felt so tired, like I couldn't stay awake for one more second. I looked to my dad for strength.
"You have nothing to apologize for son. We are all here for you. You just let it all out, don't hold anything in."
"Dad, I feel so tired. I think I just want to take a nap. Is that ok?"
"Of course it's ok. You are exhausted. Get some sleep; we will be here when you wake up again. I promise."
My dreams were filled with him. There he stood in all his glory, smiling at me, that smile always made me melt. I saw us as kids, in high school, the first day of college, the day he had asked me to marry him. Our ceremony. It was all so beautiful. Then I was awake again, my chest hurt, my head hurt. The reality came crashing down on me. I was softly crying again. I sat up and looked around. My parents were sleeping on the other sofa, and his parents were sleeping in the chairs. I didn't want to wake them. I got up and walked to the kitchen to make some coffee. I needed something to help shake this droggy feeling. I was making coffee when my Mother came up behind me and put her arms around me.
"Are you ok? I know that's a stupid question, but you know what I mean."
"I'm in control of myself, if that's what you are asking. I'm not going to go off again." I was incredibly calm. There were things that needed to be done, and I knew it would fall to me to get them done. We had discussed in detail what we wanted if one of us should die. Our funeral arrangements were pre-determined, I just had to go down to the funeral home and make the arrangements. I would have to call our friends and let them know what had happened. There wasn't time for breaking down right now. I'd do that when it was all done. But for now I needed to be in control of myself.
"Brian I'm so very sorry. I'm not going to say I know what you are going through, but I will say I'm here for you, as are your father and David and Margerie. We have been talking, would it be ok if we helped you get things arranged?"
"Mom I would like that very much. We have discussed what we wanted, but I don't know how to do it. Can you all come with me to the funeral home?"
"Yes, we will be beside you the whole way. When do you want to go?"
" I think I need some breakfast, and a shower before we go. Then I will make some calls to our friends here and in Austin to let them know what the arrangements are."
"Good idea, why don't you go up and get a shower and I'll cook breakfast."
"Ok." With that I went upstairs to grab a quick shower. I walked in the door to our room, the room that was once my childhood bedroom; it had become our room after we told our parents that we were a couple. We had a room at his parents' house as well. I walked in and turned on the shower while I undressed. The shower felt good, the hot water washing over me was refreshing. I still didn't know what my mom had given me at the hospital, but I was sure I was still under its effects; I wasn't sleepy, but very relaxed and almost drowsy.
I walked back down to the kitchen to find all the parents I love so much sitting around the breakfast table drinking coffee. As I walked in my mom handed me a cup. "Now you go sit down and I'll have breakfast on the table in a couple of minutes."
I walked over and sat down next to my dad. He reached out and put his arm around me and hugged me. "You ok son?"
"I think so." I said as I sipped my coffee. Mom's coffee was always the best. "There is just so much do to now. I don't really know where to start." Mom was sitting a big plate of eggs, bacon, biscuits with gravy and orange juice in front of me. It looked so good, and it felt like I hadn't eaten in a month, so I dug in without waiting for everyone else. I have no idea where my manners went, but no one seemed to mind.
It was David that spoke first. "Brian, I know you are his husband, and we will not interfere with anything you decide, it's your decision to make. But we would like to help you with everything if it's ok?"
"Oh my God Dad (I called his parents mom and dad as well), I hope you will help me. He was my husband, but he was your son, you have every right to have a say in what we do today."
"Thank you Brian. Have you and James discussed what you would want in the event one of you died?" I could see the tears in his eyes, he was fighting to keep it together for my sake. I was so thankful he was winning his battle, I would have lost it if anyone had started to cry.
"Yes, we discussed it at length. I know what he wanted, but I'm afraid he won't get exactly what he wanted. I know he was joking, but he always said he just wanted a plain pine box and be buried in the back yard." I laughed a little; I could see his face when he had told me that, he was serious at the time. "So, as you can see, we will have to deviate from the plans just a bit. He will not be put to rest in a plain pine box, and I don't think it's legal to bury him the back yard." We all got a little chuckle out of that.
"Dad, is he still at the hospital?"
"Yes, once the arrangements are made the funeral home will go get him."
"I see." I was still working on my plate of food, it tasted so good. Mom was hovering as usual, in case anyone needed something more. "Mom please sit down and eat. I think we will all need our strength before this day is over. Speaking of which, do you all want to shower and change before we go?"
It was Margerie that spoke up. "Yes, I think that would be a good idea." We were all finishing up by this time. "Why don't we go home and get cleaned up and meet you all back here in about an hour?"
"Sounds good. I need to make some calls before we go anyway." I got up, hugged them both and headed up stairs.
I sat on the edge of my bed trying to figure out the best way to tell my friends what happened. No matter how I tried I couldn't find a way to say it tactfully. I knew this news was going to cause so much pain for so many. I started to softly sob again. I knew that what I was about to do would bring many tears today, and that hurt me as well. James wouldn't like knowing that anyone was in pain because of him. He was always the one to comfort everyone; he would have taken all the pain in the world on himself if he could.
I took a deep breath and decided to call the one person that had always been at our side in times of need. Slowly I dialed the number, waited for the phone to start ringing. Finally he answered.
"Hello?" He sounded like he was in his usual great mood, I could picture him standing there smiling, he always had a smile on his face.
"Jonathon, it's Brian." That was all I could manage for that moment.
"Hey Brian, you guys made it home!" I could hear the excitement in his voice.
I took a deep breath to steady myself, I knew what I was about to say was going to hit him hard, but there was no way to keep it from hurting him. "Jonathon, I need to tell you something, but please don't interrupt me, I won't be able to repeat this."
"Brian what's up? You're scaring me." I could hear that his voice was on the edge of panic. How well I knew this man, in a few minutes he would be crying and in such pain.
"Jonathon, James was in an accident on his way here last night. He didn't make it." That was it, I broke down and started to cry again, I could hear Jonathon scream and start crying too. We just cried for a while, and then he got control of himself.
"Brian I'm so sorry. I'll be right there." He hung up before I had a chance to tell him that we were leaving soon to make the arrangements. I put the phone down and sat there staring out the window and letting my grief take control once again. I knew that I had to let it out of I didn't stand a chance of getting control of it, and I needed control if I was going to make it through this day.
Right on cue I heard a knock on the door. I knew it had to be Jonathon. A few seconds later my bedroom door opened and in stepped my friend, the one I knew would be by my side until this was all over, and for as long as I needed him. He walked straight over to me and put his arms around me.
"Brian I don't know what to say." He was crying, his eyes were red, his body was shaking from the depth of his emotions.
"You don't have to say anything, just hold me! I just need to be held right now." He tightened his hold on me and just sat there and held me. We were both shaking and crying. After a while I felt I could get control of myself once again, I took a deep breath and pushed back enough to look into his eyes.
"Ok, we have to get a hold of ourselves. I don't want my parents to see me like this again. There is so much to do today Jonathon and I have no idea how I will get through it." I was on the verge of tears again. No! Not now! I took a deep breath; I refused to give in to this. There was just no time right now for this.
"I'm by your side all the way sweetie. I told my Dad what was going on, he knows where I am and that I won't be back until I know you are ok." It was then that I heard the phone ring. A quick check of the caller ID told me that it was Mr. Dagastino, Jonathon's father. Word would get around fast now. I decided to let my Dad answer it, I just couldn't deal with it right now. My grip on control was tenuous at best.
"Jonathon I have a favor to ask of you."
"Anything Brian, just ask."
"Can you please call everyone? I can't do that again, I can't keep it together if I have to keep telling everyone what's going on."
"Of course. Don't you worry about that. You have enough to worry about today. I'll call everyone and let them know."
I can't say that I remember much about that day, it was a blur of activities, with all the arrangements made it was time to get to the business of dealing with everyone that felt compelled to come by and pay their respects. All I wanted was to be alone, but there seemed to be some conspiracy to keep me from my solitude. It was well after midnight before the last of them had finally gone.
Finally a chance to be alone, I gave my Mom and Dad a kiss and headed up to bed. I was so incredibly tired. His parents had gone earlier, they had family flying in and had to go and meet them at the airport. Once alone in my room I decided that another shower would help to calm me down. Finally I was able to just stretch out in my bed. It felt good to lie down; it felt as if I hadn't slept in days.
The funeral was set for Tuesday at 10:00A.M. That meant that I had to deal with the influx of people offering their condolences, an almost morbid need to touch me, to be near me, as if I might turn to dust and blow away if they weren't there to keep me grounded. Those three days were hard to get through, but just as promised Jonathon was there at my side. I don't think he went home for more than an hour at a time, he was always at my side, and always shielding me just when I needed it most.
He had this sixth sense about him. He always knew when I was at the point of screaming for everyone to leave, and just then he would find a way to take me away from it all, if only up to my room for a few minutes to recollect myself. He would sit and hold me, just hold me, and I need to be held. I honestly don't know how I made it through it all without breaking down, or going completely insane, but somehow, with Jonathon's help I did make it.
Then came the day I had been dreading. I rose early to get ready for the funeral. Today I was going to bury the love of my life. Today would be the last time I would see his beautiful face. The viewing had been a mix of morbid curiosity and gut wrenching pain. Today I would finally put him to rest. I had been so upset with everyone that wanted to see him, he wouldn't have liked being put on public display like that, but there were just so many people that loved him and wanted to say their goodbye's; I wouldn't deny them that opportunity.
The funeral lasted four hours, there were so many people that wanted to say goodbye publicly. My eulogy lasted only thirty minutes. I said my goodbye's to the one person in this world that I loved more than any other. Our high school principal gave a speech that had everyone in tears, he praised both of us for our love for each other, and our strength to make that love public knowledge. He praised our choice of careers, and how we managed to make the dean's list every semester. The list of speakers was long, but distinguished. I felt so proud to have loved him, and to have earned his love in return, that day taught me just how much he meant to everyone's life he had touched.
By the time the day was over I was more exhausted than I had ever been in my life. I was filled with a sad emptiness. He was gone, really gone. He had looked so peaceful laying there, like he would wake up at any moment, but I knew he wouldn't. My heart was dead, I had nothing left, I was devoid of all emotion save one, overwhelming pain. A pain that would consume me.
I cried myself to sleep that night, my head on Jonathon's lap, as he sat and held me, crying himself. My dreams were filled once again with him. The day he had asked me to marry him. He had come to my house, asked my Dad if he could have a word with him, they had stepped out onto the porch, I found this a bit odd, but I didn't say anything. Soon there were back in living room, my Dad had gone to the kitchen where my mother was cooking dinner, he came back with her in tow. Then he did it! He walked over to me, got down on one knee, took a small black velvet covered box from his shirt pocket, opened it up, inside was the most stunning diamond ring. My heart stopped! He said "Brian Nathaniel Donovan, I love you more each and every day of my life. Your smile makes my world go round, your touch always turns me to jelly, and your kiss is the reason for the sun to shine. I want you to be mine forever. Will you marry me?"
I couldn't speak. Was this really happening? Was this man that I loved more than life itself really asking me to marry him? I looked to my Mom, there she stood with tears in her eyes, my Dad was smiling from ear to ear. He just gently nodded his head, that told me that he approved.
"YES!!" I screamed and leapt off the couch and into his arms, knocking him to the floor in the process. I hugged him and kissed him deeply. Then I remembered that we had an audience. Blushing I sat up on the floor, James sat up and took my left hand and gently placed the ring on my ring finger. I just sat and stared at it, it was beautiful, he was beautiful, and he would be mine forever.
I woke up with a start, the dream had been so real, but like him, it was gone now. I lifted my head to see that Jonathon was still there, sleeping with his head against the wall. This was a true friend, he never left my side, he kept his word, but I didn't expect anything less of him, it was his way. I sat there and looked at him, his face was showing the wear of the past days of helping me keep my sanity during all the insanity. It was time to send him home, he needed some rest and I needed some time alone.
I gently shook his shoulder to wake him up. "Jonathon. Wake up."
"Brian! I'm so sorry, I must have dozed off." The regret was evident on his face, that sweet face. His eyes were swollen and had large dark circles around them, he obviously needed some rest and to stop worrying about me.
"Don't. It's ok. You need some rest. You need to go home. I'm ok, promise. I appreciate everything, there's no way I could have gotten through all this without you. But please, go home and get some real rest. I'll be ok. I could use some time by myself." I was bone weary myself.
"Brian? Are you sure? I don't mind staying with you. You know that." I could tell that he really did want to go home, get into his own bed and get some sleep.
"Yeah, I'm sure. Go home. I'll call you tomorrow." I knew when I said it that I probably wouldn't, I think he knew that as well. "I just need a little space man, you've been so great to me...I love you Jonathon."
"You know I love you too man. I'm just a phone call away if you need me. I'll be here as fast I can." He was putting on his shoes.
"I know. I'll call if I need anything."
With that he headed out of the door. Poor boy, he was so tired, and I'm sure he was mentally exhausted as well, he had been so strong for me, he had been the buffer that I so desperately needed. But there were so many things to figure out. Did I want to go back to school? Could I live in that house without James? So many things to ponder, and I didn't want to think about any of them right now. I could feel the pain creeping in around the edges of my conciseness, and I wanted to surrender to it, but I couldn't, not yet.
It came to my while in the shower that my parents were supposed to leave on vacation in a week. Knowing them they were already making plans to cancel that vacation. I wouldn't allow it. They needed to go, and I needed the time alone, truly alone. They would be gone a month, that would give me time to get my world readjusted, and try to make some sense of what is happening to me. I got out of the shower, dressed and headed down stairs for some coffee. Mom was in the kitchen when I got there.
"Morning Mom." That was about all the enthusiasm I could muster.
"Morning son, did you sleep?" She was walking over to give me a hug.
"Yeah, I sent Jonathon home. He looked like hell." I took the cup she offered me, and took a sip.
"Yes, I noticed yesterday that he didn't look good. He's been at your side every minute."
"Yeah, he's a good friend. I couldn't have gotten through this without him." I sat down and stared out the big bay window. The lake was beautiful, it was calm, I just wish I was that calm. Looking at the lake was always entrancing; it gave me the peace I needed to still myself again. "Mom, where is Dad?" He was not home, his truck was gone.
"He had to go into the office for a bit this morning; he has patients that he had to see. He said that if you need him he'll come right back." She had sat down across from me and was looking out at the lake herself.
"No, it's ok. He has to get back to the office. People depend on him, it's not right that I kept him out for so long." I knew my Dad's practice was important. I suddenly felt guilty for keeping him away from his patients for so long.
"Son, you are more important to him, and to me. We are here for you, always." She reached over and patted my hand.
"Thanks Mom. When do you guys leave for France?"
"We've decided not to go, you need us now, we can take a trip to France anytime." She was smiling at me. I knew that smile. She felt I needed her and she wouldn't leave me for anything. This was going to be tougher than I thought.
"Mom, I want you to go." She sat up straight and gave me a questioning look. "I know you have spent money that can't be refunded. I would feel horrible if you missed your trip, you've been planning this for a year now. Besides, I need some time alone. I was contemplating going back to Austin, but I would rather stay here, if that's ok?" I had a couple tears making their way down my cheeks.
"Of course it's ok if you stay here, you can stay here forever if that's what you need. This is your home Brian, you can always come here, stay here, anything you need, it's always here for you."
"Thanks Mom, I needed to hear that. I know you don't understand, but I just need some space, some time to figure things out. Mom, I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to live without him. I don't know what to do now. Mom, I can't see a future, the future has always had him and I together, always together. Please Mom, I just need some time alone to figure it all out." I was pleading, and by this point I was once again crying. The pain that threatened to envelope me was closer, I could taste it, I could see it, it was black with jagged edges, and it was trying to consume me, and I wanted to give in to it, but it wasn't time yet.
"I'll talk to your father when we get's back. Everything will be ok son, I promise you that. You don't know it yet, but you have strength that you don't know you have. You will figure things out, and you will find a future again." She got up and went into the living room. I knew she was upset and she was trying to hide it, but I also knew that she understood what I was trying to convey to her.
The following Friday they had left for France, I was finally alone, finally able to give into what I wanted. To finally grieve without concern about who else I might be upsetting. My father was not easy to convince, but in the end he too understood what I needed, and agreed to take the trip as usual, with caveat that they would call each and every day, and if they were unable to get in touch with me they would be on the next plane home.
Finally alone I made my way up to my room, took off my clothes and crawled into bed. I felt as if I would die from exhaustion, I was tired down to my bones. I looked over and saw the object of my desire. The pain was closing in on me, and this time I wouldn't stop it. I reached for it, touched it, and fell into it. A part of me knew I wouldn't be permitted to reside in this place permanently, I knew that at some point I would have to leave this place, but for now I would not leave it, I would take it all, let it consume every fiber of my being.
The cold plastic of the phone was taunting me, daring me to just touch it, to pick it up, to allow myself a brief moment away from my pain, but I was unable, unwilling to let go of that pain if even for a moment. The pain was my friend; it cloaked me in an unbreakable barrier, a barrier that wouldn't allow anything or anyone to get close to me. It was like a warm blanket around my soul, a soul that I was fighting to keep within the confines of my body. Again my thoughts are interrupted by the shrilling ring of the phone.
Without looking I know all too well who it was. Jonathon has been a steadfast friend since we were kids, he knows me all too well, he knows my heart is broken beyond repair, he knows that I need to be alone, and he knows that I have no strength to fight right now. Being Jonathon he will not interfere, not yet, he will continue to try to get me to answer the phone, but he will leave me with my pain for a while longer, but not much longer.
The phone stops ringing, finally! Just me and my quiet pain, just me and my sobs, they seem to be nothing more than an automated reaction, I'm beginning to think I have cried myself dry, I have nothing left to give, nothing to offer to the pain I feel, nothing left to appease the pain, nothing to keep hold of it with, and that scares me. I can't help but to think back on the source of this pain, perhaps if I remember the pain will stay, perhaps I can hang onto it just a bit longer.
My pain was all I had left of him, all that remained of the only person I would ever love in this world. Yes, the pain was worth the effort, if only to remember, if only to endure, if only to live. It was all I had to prove that I was indeed alive, even if I didn't want to be. I had been praying to a god that I didn't even really believe in since that miserable heart wrenching day, praying that if he really did exist that he would take me now, this very instant, to take me, to end my suffering, but he didn't. So this pain was all there was left, if I was to be forced to live through this, I had to find some way to hold this pain close. I was sure I would never love again, I could never love again, it just wasn't possible. He had been the very breath that kept me alive, the very reason for my heart to continue to beat, and now that was gone, He was gone. I was alone!
A little background on me. My name is Brian, only child born to parents who are both Dr's, born into a life of privilege you might say, but my parents both worked very hard to make sure I had a normal childhood, not that of a spoiled little rich kid. We live on a 400 acre ranch, but I wouldn't exactly classify any of us are "ranchers", but I did grow up working around the place. I could drive a tractor by the time I was 10, we did help out at hay making time, but my dad had guys that worked the ranch year round, so we were just there to help out. They were very careful to give me a sense of self, and worked hard to make me understand what it meant to earn what you get in life, that the world didn't owe me anything.
When I was 3, or at least that's the way my mom tells the story, the ranch down the road from us went up for sale, and soon after a new family moved in. Not what one could call "neighbors" as they lived about 1/2 mile from us. My mom in her usual fashion made a casserole to take to the new neighbors; she had heard they had a son about the same age as me. With me in one arm and the casserole in the other she walked up and introduced herself. My mom says that when we saw each other we just stood there and stared for what seemed like hours, but in truth was only a few seconds. She says I then walked up to the boy, gave him a hug and a kiss right on his mouth, then he did the same, gave me a hug and a kiss as well. Hearing her tell the story it all seems so funny now, but she says it's the sweetest thing she'd ever seen, to that point in her life anyway. From that point on we were inseparable, we were always together, and if not we were very unhappy little boys. Once we were old enough to make the trek back and forth to each other's house we were truly always together, we couldn't stand to be apart. When it was time for him, or myself, to go home for the evening our parting always included a hug and a kiss on the cheek, as did our reunion the next day, that sweet little hug and that sweet little kiss, every day, it was always there.
Summer time was our favorite time; we were pretty much free to run the country side as we pleased. You see, we grew up in a very rural area of east Texas, and at that time the idea that anyone would hurt a kid was just not in anyone's thoughts. This was back before cell phones were in everyone's pockets, so to catch up with the numerous kids roaming the country side parents had to call the neighbors to get a sense of which direction we all went. Summer time in east Texas was hot, very hot, so it was the norm for the boys to be shirtless, and due to the work we all did around the ranches (even if just helping out) kept us all in great shape. James and I would spend many nights camping out by the lake, the lake was the source of much of the activities for all the families in this area in the summer months. It was one of these camping trips that my life would change forever, it was the summer we both turned 13, a real mile stone for a boy.
I had known for some time that I was different from the other boys. When they were all suddenly aware of the girls around us, and went gaga over them, I knew that I would much rather look at the boys with their bronzed smooth chests, the muscular legs, and those prefect butts were just a sight I never grew tired of. Of course we all enjoyed swimming, and that usually meant skinny dipping, provided the girls weren't around, and of course I always took every opportunity to check out the others boys equipment, but I had to be careful, that usually only served to make me pop wood. Given the area that we were living in it was not a good idea for anyone to find out that I liked to look at boys. We were taught in school what the word "gay" meant, so I was sure I was, indeed, gay, but I also knew that was something I had to keep to myself.
It was our last outing of the summer, school would soon be back in session, and soon it would be too cold for camping, so we decided on a long trip, a full week out at the lake in our small private Eden. We had found this spot at the beginning of summer, but we never shared its location with anyone, for some reason we chose to keep it private, this spot was just for the two us, it was not meant to be shared or discussed; it was for us, just us. We arrived at our spot just after noon, it had been a long ride on the bikes (motorcycles) so we decided to wash off the dust, and cool off in the lake for a while. This meant skinny dipping. I had become more aware of my attraction for other boys over the summer, and having discovered the fine art of masturbation this summer as well, I was all too aware that this could be dangerous, but off came the shorts, underwear and shoes, and in we went. I caught myself staring at him, he was by far the most beautiful boy I had ever seen, he was glorious to say the least. Here he was, having just come up after diving under the water, his black hair slicked to his perfectly formed head, his bronzed body glistened in the afternoon sun, I could stare at him forever and never get bored with what I saw. I was amazed that anyone could be so beautiful, so perfect, and be of this world, he should have been a god, someone to be worshiped, not mere mortal. We swam, wrestled, it was all great fun, and somehow I managed to keep my body from reacting to the unrelenting stimulus that bombarded my eyes all afternoon.
After some time we decided it was time to get out and get camp set up before it got dark on us. James set out to find us some fire wood while I set about getting the tent set up and the coolers and food stored away. By the time he had enough firewood for the night I had things going at camp, dinner was cooking and there was a cold soda waiting for him. By the time dinner was ready and all was set up it was getting dark, one of my favorite times of the day, the world gets quiet, the day has ended, and the promise of a new day is in the voice of the crickets. We ate, discussed the upcoming school year, he would once again play basketball and baseball, I was looking forward the new computer equipment we had been promised, and the new computer classes that would be waiting for me. James was the jock and I was the bookworm, it was an unlikely pairing, but everyone knew we were best friends, and if you mess with one, you mess with both, and no one wanted that. After dinner we decided to have another quick swim to cool off again, and wash the sweat off before settling in for the evening. After the swim we sat beside the fire, each with our own thoughts, not talking, just enjoying the company, it was that way with us, we didn't have to do anything but enjoy being together.
Suddenly he started to cry, very softly, but I could tell without a doubt that he was crying, head in his hands his body shuddered as he tried to contain the sobs. I had no idea what could have brought this on, but my heart went out to my friend as I watched him wrestling with whatever emotion was causing this, it was obvious this was a battle he wasn't going to win, the emotion was too strong. I wanted to comfort my friend so I got up and walked around the fire to sit beside him. I slowly put my arm around his shoulders and he put his head on my shoulder and the really began to sob, his body racked by the sobs he couldn't contain.
"James, what's wrong?" I asked as he continued to sob, unable to answer my question, so I just let it sit for a while.
"James, please tell me what's wrong". He slowly lifted his head to look into my eyes. Those deep brown eyes, the eyes I could get lost in, those beautiful eyes that always told me exactly what he was thinking, yet now they were the saddest eyes I had ever seen, so much pain in those beautiful eyes, pain I didn't understand, didn't know where it came from.
"I can't tell you, I'm afraid of what you'll think if I do." He said through those tear laden eyes.
"James, there isn't anything you should be afraid of, you know I'm always here for you, so what's going on?"
"Brian you'll hate me, you'll never speak to me again, and probably kick my ass if I tell you this." With that the sobs renewed themselves, worse, more intense. I was totally lost as what could ever make this perfect creature ever think I could hate him, refuse to talk to him, and beat him up! I would never!
"Hey, there is nothing that you can't tell me, nothing that would ever make me hate you, you hear me? NOTHING!"
"You promise?"
"Yeah, I promise. So what's going on?"
"Brain.....I don't even know how to say this!...I'm....I'm....gay! and I'm in love with you! I've been in love with you for as long as I can remember, I love you more than anything else in the world." Once again the sobs racked his body, uncontrollable, fed by the certainty that my reaction would be one of anger, of disbelief, of violence. Nothing could have been further from the truth; my instant reaction was one of disbelief that this living god could love me, that the boy that I had loved for years actually loved me the same way. Disbelief that my dreams were coming true.
"James, stop the tears and listen to me. I don't care that you are gay....because I'm gay and I love you too, I've loved you since the day we met I think. For as long as I can remember my dreams have been that you would fall in love with me as I have certainly fallen in love with you. Do you understand me?"
"What are you saying Bri? You don't hate me? You are not mad at me?"
"No silly boy, I don't hate you, I'm not mad at you.....I love you!"