Jake & Josh: Finding Love Chapter 3 By: J-Boy
DISCLAIMER: The following story is fiction- a complete work from my imagination. I do not know Jake Gyllenhaal or any other person mentioned throughout this story.
NOTE: Hey everybody! Here's chapter 3. I really hope that y'all like it. Don't forget to email me your comments, I love email. Much love and appreciation to all who have read and emailed. Thank you to Avy for taking interest in my story!
A smile spread across my face when I woke up. The sun peeking in through the window was softly touching my face. My surroundings were different this morning. The room had a sense of security, a sense of comfort, and perhaps a sense of love. I knew the reason why I felt this way was because of the man laying next to me. I looked over at Jake and my smile got even bigger. I watched intensely and examined his sleeping figure. Every crevice, every curve, every beautiful feature that he possessed took my breath away.
I slowly got up and sat on the edge of the bed. It was only six in the morning- too early for me to be awake. Only a complete fool would want to leave the warmth of such a loving bed, with Jake sleeping in it, but I've been known to make weird decisions. I got up, put some clothes on, and left the room- but not before turning and taking one last look at Jake. The yearning for some coffee and a smoke got the better of me, so I softly closed the door and made my way into the kitchen. To my surprise, Andy was sitting on the counter sipping on her coffee.
"Hey sweetie! What in the hell are you doing up?" "I have absolutely no idea." I said as I poured myself some coffee. Andy patted the counter and said, "Have a seat". "Actually, I have the biggest nicotine craving. Care to join me?" "Sure."
Andy and I made our way outside and took a seat on the bench.
"Jesus it's cold!" Andy exclaimed as she lit one of her cigarettes. "Yeah. So what did you and Maggie do yesterday?" "We'll get to that later. I want to know all about your little date last night." Andy said "Jesus it's cold!" I exclaimed with laughter. "HaHa. Good try bitch. Now spill." Andy said, pinching me. "Nothing exciting Andy. We had some dinner and then we went to this lookout. It was so beautiful there. We just sat back and had a few beers." "And then^Å^Å" Andy urged me to continue. Christ the girl was hunting for juicy details. "And then we slept together." I mumbled "What! You ho! How did that happen?" Andy asked with excitement. "We did not have sex or anything woman. We just slept. I don't know how it happened Andy. I didn't even know he was gay." I said as I looked down at me feet. "I knew." "What? How did you know?" I asked, looking up at Andy. "Maggie told me. Remember that night we all had dinner, how you and I were telling them about ourselves. Well, Maggie asked me yesterday what it was like being gay. She says that when Jake and Kirsten Dunst broke up, Kirsten told her that she had found out that Jake was gay. Maggie has known all this time, but she didn't know how to approach Jake about it. She's hurt that Jake won't open up to her about it, and I guess when we were sharing stories about ourselves and about you being gay^Å.well I guess it pushed her to ask me what it was like." Andy finished as she took a drag from her cigarette. "He'll open up to her on his own time. When he feels ready. It's not easy Andy." I said. "That's what I told her." Maggie stated as she killed her cigarette. "Andy I'm gonna go for a walk. I need to think about some things." "You ok? You want some company?" Andy asked with concern. "No. I just need to figure out some things." I said as I bounded off the cabin steps.
I walked away from the cabin. I needed time to myself to think about my situation with Jake. It's so weird that I've only known him for a couple of days, and I already feel something strong for him. I wouldn't say that I love him just yet- I know better than that. I've made the mistake of jumping into something too quick, the mistake of going with your feelings without thinking things through. I care about Jake, of that I'm sure, but I think were moving too fast. I shouldn't have invited him back to my room last night, but the way he looked after I told him we were moving too fast just made me feel so bad for him. It must have been really hard for him to come out to me- not to mention to right out just kiss me like that. When we kissed everything just felt so right.
I'm not sure where Jake wants this to go, but I won't allow it to go anywhere if I'm just going to end up hurt in the end. How am I to know if this is something real? How am I to know if he has real feelings for me, or to subconsciously get to a place he's been yearning to get to? I also have to be responsible and examine myself and what I feel. I have to be sure that I'm not subconsciously using Jake so that I won't feel lonely anymore. Jake seems like a good guy, sweet and caring, but I have to make sure were not going to end up just hurting each other.
I continued walking, trying hard to make a right decision. I had more questions than answers. I knew that only one person can help me answer those questions, Jake himself, but how will he take it? I know from personal experience that coming out is not an easy thing. I know that when you do you just want someone to love and accept you, someone to understand you. I guess Jake is just going to have to help me deal with this. I can't let this linger.
I turned around and walked back to the cabin. I was afraid; afraid of how this conversation with Jake was going to turn out. Andy was sitting on the bench with Maggie outside as I approached the cabin.
"Morning Maggie." I said, lighting a cigarette and leaning against the wooden railing. "Morning." Maggie replied. "How was your walk sweetie?" Andy asked. "Good. Pretty chilly though." "Do you care about him?" Maggie suddenly asked. Andy just sat there in silence. "I'm going to assume that Andy told you what happened last night between Jake and me, but to answer your question, yes I do Maggie." I replied. "Then that's all I need to know. I'm sorry if I'm sounding really rude right now, but I love my little brother. I hope you understand." Maggie said, standing up and walking towards me. "I understand." I assured before Maggie pulled me into a hug.
Maggie, Andy, and I sat around talking for a little bit before I excused myself, and went in search of Jake. When I opened the door to my bedroom there Jake was, right where I left him, sleeping peacefully. The serene look and slight smile on his face almost made me not want to wake him. I pulled back part of the covers and got into bed, snuggling up to Jake, and enjoyed all the warm sensations of just being so close to him. Jake stirred and then pulled me closer so that my head rested on his chest.
"I was wondering where you ran off to." Jake said, while kissing my head. "I went for a short walk." "Kind of early for a walk, is everything okay?" "I'm not sure." I replied.
Jake put a finger under my chin and lifted so that my gaze met his.
"Josh what's wrong?" A worried expression apparent on Jakes face as he asked. "Jake we have to talk. We have to talk about this." I answered lifting our entwined hands up. "I know. I know that you think were moving too fast." Jake spoke as he rubbed my back softly. "Don't you?" "I guess if you were to think on normal terms, then yes maybe we are moving too quickly; but I don't see why we should be contemplating what is normal here." Jake replied. "Look Jake, I really like you and I think I'm beginning to care about you; and because I care about you I really have to step back and make sure we are not doing something foolish that will end up hurting us in the end." I said as I sat up on the bed. "So what are you saying?" "I'm not sure of what I am saying." I replied, burying my face in my hands.
Jake got off the bed and made his way in front of me. He gently took my hands away from my face and held them in his. I opened my eyes and stared deeply into his, filled with a mixture of emotions.
"I understand what you are saying. I understand why you would be afraid. I don't pretend to understand why I feel this way about you; I don't pretend to understand why you have affected me in such a way- in such a short time; and I don't pretend to understand what or why I have these feelings for another man. But, what I do understand, what I do believe, is that people come into our lives for a reason. We often run away from happiness, do you really want to walk away from this- without fully exploring its possibilities?" Jake asked- his voice full of emotion and sincerity.
I pulled my hands out of Jakes and walked to the window. Reaching into my pockets, I retrieved my cigarettes and lit one.
"I^Å.I^Å.don't know what to do. Every part of me is screaming to just let things be, to just take your hand and see where this could go. Then, there's this small voice saying not too." I said as I inhaled my cigarette and looked out the window. "I mean think about it. What are we going to do when this little vacation is over? We have different lives Jake. You have your career and you live in Los Angeles. I have school and I live in Las Vegas. Where is all this going to lead?" I asked, looking at Jake.
Jake slowly walked over and kissed me on the forehead, and then he turned and walked towards the door. He turned to look at me and said, "I want you to know that I respect any decision you make Josh. I still stand by my feelings and what I said. I told you that when I find real people, like you, I fight to keep them in my life. I intend to do so still with you." And with that he walked out the door.
I'm not sure that the conversation between me and Jake went the way I had planned. I thought that my mind was made up as to what I was going to do, but more than anything I feel even more confused. What if Jake was right? Why couldn't I answer him when he asked if I was willing to walk away from this without seeing where it can lead to. I'm not sure I know how to answer that. I promised myself that I would never jump too fast into anything life throws at me. I've done that many, many times before; and each time has ended with pain and disappointment.
I gathered myself and went to take a shower. When I had finished, I still felt unsure of my decision. I guess it's because I'm not sure that Jake and I really made any decision. I'm not sure exactly where we stand right now. I needed to get out. I needed to clear my thoughts. I needed to get away for a little bit, and with that I got dressed and went in search of Andy.
"Andy you in here?" I yelled as I walked into the kitchen. "What happened?" Andy asked as she continued washing dishes in the sink. "I'm not sure Andy. Listen, I'll be back. I'm going to go for a drive."
Andy just nodded her head, not saying a word. I picked up the car keys on the counter and walked out of the cabin. I wasn't sure where I was going; I just knew I needed to be alone for awhile.
**** Jake & Maggie's cabin^Å..
Jake walked into his cabin after his conversation with Josh ended. He was hurt and a little bit confused. He went to his room, took a shower, got dressed, and then went to sit by the fireplace in the living room. Maggie was in her room resting when she heard her brother making noises in the living room. She got up and made her way out. The sight before her, when she reached the living room, saddened her. There was Jake sitting on the floor, his back against the couch, with his head in his hands.
"Jake. You okay?" Maggie asked softly. "I'm fine Mags." Jake answered without looking at his sister. "Is there anything you wanna talk about?" Maggie asked as she took a seat on the couch and massaged Jakes shoulders. "Like what?" "Jake^Å..I^Å..I know." Maggie stated timidly, afraid her brother would push her away. "Know what?" "I know what's going on with you. I know why Kirsten and you broke up. I know about you and Josh." "How did you know?" Jake asked as he looked at his sister for the first time. "Nevermind. That's not important. I want to know how you are doing." Maggie soothed as she climbed down and sat next to her brother on the floor. "I think that I am finally coming to terms with who I am. This thing with Josh, I don't know how it happened Mags. I just can't get him out of my head, since I met him. I see that he is scared of getting hurt. I am too Mags, but I want to explore where this can go." Jake opened up. "Does Josh not want to see where this can go?" Maggie asked "I'm not sure. He says that we are moving too fast and that he is unsure of how this can work if we decide to move forward with this." Jake said frustrated. "Well honey, I hate to say it but it does kind of make sense. I'm not saying that you are wrong, but think about it; if you decide to pursue this it is going to be hard. You have to consider your career and your life. You also need to consider Josh and his life." Maggie said. "I am aware of how hard it is going to be for the both of us, and I am not afraid of that. I won't just let something end just because it's hard. I have never been like that Maggie." Jake said with determination in his voice. "I know sweetie, but you need to make sure that Josh is also willing to go through this with you." Maggie said as she hugged her brother.
Jake felt comforted by his sister. He was happy that she took him being gay so well. The two siblings sat on the floor together, comforted by one another. They sat there for a long time, Jake sharing with Maggie all of what was going on in his life, until there was a knock at the door. Maggie got up and went to the door; it was Andy.
"Hey Maggie. Can I come in?" Andy asked, noticing Jake sitting in front of the fireplace. "Sure."
Andy walked over to Jake and sat in front of him.
"Hi Jake." "Hi Andy." "Listen, I need to talk to you about Josh." "Is he okay?" Jake asked with concern. "I'm sure he's fine. I need to talk to you about what went on with you two." "Did he tell you what happened?" Jake asked "No. He didn't have to. Listen, I am going to tell you something about Josh. It is important that you hear this." Andy said. "Ok. I'm listening." Jake said softly. Maggie walked over and sat down on the couch. "When Josh was little, he had a very rough childhood. He was the oldest of three, and his dad was not around much; his mother raised them pretty much by herself. Josh knew early on that his life was not going to be the same as his friends or other children his age. He had to mature faster and take care of his younger brothers. Josh's father was in and out of his life. Every time Josh would get attached to his father, his dad would let him down and leave again. Josh, his brothers, and his mother had to endure many hardships throughout there lives, including being poor and having nothing. They struggled together and climbed there way out of the pit that Josh's father had put them in. When Josh was seventeen he came to terms with his being gay. He even started dating this guy; and for the first time in his life he felt that things were getting better. He loved this guy. They were together for three years, before Josh found out that he had been seeing numerous people behind his back. Josh's self esteem and confidence just disappeared when there relationship ended. To make things worse, Josh tried to move back in with his mom when he discovered that she was back with his father. He couldn't understand why his mom would take him back after all that he had put them through; all the abuse, the lies, and the abandonment. So, he cut all ties with his parents. He still speaks to his brothers, but not often enough. Since then, Josh won't let anyone get too close to him. If he senses that he is developing feelings for someone, he will sabotage. He does it to protect himself from getting hurt. That is what is happening now with you Jake." Andy finished as she looked at Jake with tears in her eyes.
Jake just sat there silently, taking in all that Andy just told him. He felt bad for what Josh went through as a child, and it cleared up a little of why Josh was the way he was. He understood better why Josh chose to not pursue this new relationship with him. Maggie just sat there taking all of what Andy just told them in. Her heart went out to Josh and to Jake.
"I'm sorry" Maggie whispered quietly. "Don't be. Josh would tell you the same thing. He is who he is because of what he went through, however what he won't admit is that it also built a wall up and closed himself out from the world. Jake, I know that you guys just met but I told you all this so that you can decide for yourself if this is something you want to pursue. It's going to be hard to break thru those walls he's built, but let me tell you it will be worth it. Josh is a wonderful person. I love him like a little brother and I just want to see him let down his guards, and allow good things to happen to him." Andy said, serious but with a comforting smile. "If you were to ask me if I want a relationship with Josh, the answer would be yes. Crazy as it sounds, I'd like to see where it can go. Also, if Josh is not ready for that I will understand. I would still want to be his friend. I have struggled with my own inner demons as well Andy. I'm not going to lie to you, I am new at this. I've never had feelings like this for another guy. In all honesty, I am a little scared." Jake confessed. "Well, my advice would be to start off as friends and let things naturally progress. It's not going to be easy because Josh will try to reason with his decisions to block people out. He will justify his actions with logic. He doesn't even know he does it." Andy advised. "Let me go talk to him." Jake said as he stood up. "He's not here. He went for a drive." Andy stated also getting up. "Oh." Jake said disappointed. "How about I give you a call when he gets back?" Andy offered. "Thanks Andy, that would be great. I really want to talk to him." Jake said.
Andy stayed a while with Maggie and Jake, hanging out and talking. She decided to go back to her cabin and relax. As she left, Jake pulled her into a hug and thanked her for sharing with him about Josh.
****Some time later^Å..
I finally came back from my drive. I walked into the cabin and found Andy sleeping on the couch, leaning over I kissed her on her forehead.
"Hi sweetie. How was your drive?" Andy asked as she sat up on the couch, offering a spot for me to sit. "It was good." "So, you ready to talk?" Andy asked "Nope. There's nothing to talk about. I'm gonna go take a quick shower ok." I said as I got up from the couch and made my way to my bedroom.
Andy waited until the door shut before she called Jake to let him know Josh returned. Jake made his way over and went straight into Josh's room. Josh was still in the shower so he sat on the bed and pulled out the pack of cigarettes in his pocket, to have a smoke and calm his nerves while he waited.
"Umm^Åwhat are you doing here?" I asked, surprised to see Jake when I emerged from the shower. I was only wearing a towel around my waist and my hair was matted down, still damp. "We need to talk." Jake stated. "We tried that earlier and we didn't solve anything." I said, scratching the back of my neck out of frustration. "Well, I'm not going anywhere until you sit down and talk with me." Jake said as he took another drag of his cigarette. "Ok^Å.let me get dressed then." I said as I pulled out some clothes from the closet.
I dropped my towel and started dressing in front of Jake. Jake immediately turned away, giving me some privacy.
"Ok. I'm dressed so let's talk." I said holding out his hands. "Come here. Sit down with me." Jake pleaded. His eyes were so beautiful and full of sorrow that I could not refuse. "I want you to know that I still stand by what I said earlier. I still want to see where this relationship can go, but I respect you and your decisions. I don't have the answers Josh as to how all this is going to work. What I do know, is that I want to get to know you better. So, this is what we are going to do. We're going to have fun here and get to know each other as friends. If and when you are ready to move to the next level, then it will happen naturally." Jake said as he put his arms around me. "I^ÅI don't know what to say." "You don't have to say anything." Jake soothed. "But are you sure this is what you want?" I asked. "Would you shut up and just give me a hug." Jake laughed as he pulled me into an embrace. "Thank you." I said as I hugged Jake. "Thank you for talking with me." Jake whispered.
The two men sat there on the bed, embracing one another. Things were finally on track. Jake was happy to be getting somewhere with Josh. True, it wasn't exactly what he wanted but for now he was content. He wanted so much to kiss Josh and be with him as lovers, but knew he couldn't just yet. Josh felt comforted knowing that Jake was making an effort to respect his feelings. Deep inside Josh was unsure of what will happen when the vacation was over. He had deep feelings for Jake, but still was not sure on how to act on them. He was still struggling with letting people in, and he knew that there was a strong possibility that all this would end in pain- for him and for Jake. But, for right now everything was great. The two were together and happy for the moment, both unaware of what tomorrow brought them.
Well, there it is! I hope you guys like it. Please remember to email me any and all comments or suggestions. Thanks for reading!
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