Chapter 21
Jack's hands were shaking. He hated Felix. Why did he have to tell him about it? He could have quite happily never realised and gone the rest of his life without out... or so he thought. The more he considered it now though, the more sense it made. He had healed a lot in the past few months, but one gap remained, one hole in his life that he hadn't even realised needed to be filled until Felix forced him to.
For the second time that day, he was standing on a doorstep, waiting for an answer that part of him hoped would never come. Had his heart beaten any faster, he worried it might have exploded when he saw the door opening.
"Don't say anything!" Jack insisted as soon as the door opened. "I just need to say this, and I'll go away. I made your life hell, you destroyed mine, you tried to help me, and I just threw it back in your face. I know it makes no sense and I know I should hate you too much to ever even consider feeling like this, but I don't hate you, I love you. I think... I knew it then too, but I just couldn't bring myself to accept it. But now I can, and I love you and I know I've probably left it too long, so I've probably ruined it but..."
Bryce lunged forward and placed a finger to Jack's lips silencing him. "Stop talking!" he said gently, then grinned. "I never thought I'd say this, but... I love you, Jack Hamilton!"
The two embraced, a long slow kiss as they held tightly onto each other. It was only when Bryce realised they were still on his doorstep that he pulled away, stepped inside and gestured for Jack to follow. As soon as the door was closed, they kissed once more. "I thought this'd never happen!" Bryce said, resting his forehead against Jack's, then frowned slightly and corrected himself, "Well... more like thought this COULD never happen!"
Jack pulled away slightly and looked at Bryce curiously. "Why not?" he asked. Jack's therapy sessions had all focused on handling his OWN feelings about what had happened, simply because he had not wanted to involve the others. That means their opinions, their perspective was something he had dedicated much less time to. If he was really doing this, now was the time to start asking those questions.
"Well... just... everything that happened," Bryce said a little awkwardly. "I figured it was... I dunno... too big, too much maybe, for you to ever get over!"
Jack scowled and pulled further away. "Wait... you..." he paused, shaking his head a little. "You think I'm... over it?" he asked incredulously.
"N... no... no I... erm..." Bryce stuttered shakily.
"You think getting away from you guys and a bit of distance and a bit of therapy and I'm just... OVER it?" Jack demanded, a gnawing sensation building in his gut.
"No, I didn't say the right thing!" Bryce said apologetically. "That's not what I meant!"
"Oh, then what DID you mean?" Jack asked, folding his arms in front of him as he stared at Bryce.
"Well, it was more like... I guess... I never thought you could... forgive us for what we did," Bryce explained awkwardly, but quickly added, "But I'm NOT saying you've forgiven us either, just maybe... I figured you were starting to if... if... you're here! Th... that's all!"
Jack looked appalled. "Wait, you think... me being here is... what? Some kind of admission that I'm forgiving all of you for what you did?"
"Well... isn't it?" Bryce asked curiously.
Jack frowned. Angry as he was, it was a good question. He blamed Felix for this. He had become the voice of reason in Jack's life, the driving force behind his recovery and though he had met all sorts of new people since the whole ordeal, Felix was the one above all others who had been there through it all to support him. That didn't mean Felix was perfect though. Far from it. He could be annoyingly vague and cryptic. He always said it was his way of just helping Jack reach his own conclusions, take control of his own thoughts, and guide him to his own recovery. Sometimes it would have been nice if he just gave Jack the answers.
"I came here because I'm still figuring things out," Jack confessed. "I know that you guys know you hurt me, but... you really don't have a fucking clue just how much you all messed me up. I still have a lot of feelings I don't understand and a lot of thoughts that are... totally screwed up. YOU were one of those things I still hadn't figured out, that's why I came here!"
"You... said you love me!" Bryce said, a little confused.
Jack laughed for a moment, shaking his head. "Exactly. That's how FUCKED UP my head is over all of this. You did things to me, you and the others, unforgivable things. You did stuff to me I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy and somehow... through all of that... some fucked up part of me really does love you and... and standing at your door... I thought that was all that mattered."
"Maybe it is!" Bryce said hopefully.
"FUCK OFF!" Jack snapped furiously. "How the fuck would you know what matters to me? You don't KNOW me. You didn't even really know me when all this started, and you DEFINITELY don't know me now. The... fallout of what you did... the things I've been through since, I'm not the same guy that you and the others tortured!"
"You think I haven't been through stuff too?" Bryce demanded, his own anger building. "You think I've just... been happily living every day since? You have no IDEA what I...what ALL of us went through these past six months because of what we did to you!" He almost added, 'Go ask your fucking BROTHER about it!' but caught himself just in time. That was one can of worms that could not - ever - be open. Jack could never find out what happened these past six months. Their very freedom depended on it.
"Oh, I'm SO sorry!" Jack said sarcastically. "Has it been HARD for little Brycie to live happily ever after, after ALL you went through FUCKING TORTURING ME? You're a big brave man for getting through it. Let me go grab you a FUCKING medal!"
Bryce looked thoroughly crestfallen; his anger completely shot down by the harsh reality of Jack's words, which traumatically brought back memories of his own ordeal for the last six months. The fact that Jack used his old sarcasm and worse...his old bullying nickname for Bryce was a TERRIBLE sign.
Jack shook his head as he looked at Bryce. What he had said to Bryce was true. Part of him really was in love and it seemed that the old adage was true – love is blind. Jack couldn't allow himself to be blind now though. He couldn't allow that tiny glimmer of love in a sea of hurt and pain and rage to be the only thing he saw. He began to realise what Felix had truly meant. He hadn't wanted Jack to come here and confess his love. He knew this love, this last remnant of what could have been, was holding him back. Yes, it needed to be acknowledged, maybe it even needed to be said aloud to truly start moving past it, but he DID need to move past it.
Jack sighed and shook his head as he looked at Bryce, still stunned silent. "Things coulda been different," he said softly. "If... if we'd just... been friends, hung out maybe, the things I... I love about you probably would have led us to... something more, but... that never happened!" Jack explained. "I do love you, and in another world that love would've been what brought us together, not torture and pain and rape, but we're not in that world. We're in this one and... maybe I am starting to get over it, maybe even start figuring out how to forgive, but... it could NEVER be enough. How could I ever be with you when looking at you is a constant reminder of not only the things you did, but the things I LET you do?"
"Jack, please... I love you too," Bryce pleaded, feeling desperate now. "I'm SO fucking sorry! We can... work through it. I'll... I'll do whatever you want to make things right. You wanna... hurt me back? Then hurt me back! You need to scream at me, then scream at me... hit me if it makes you feel better... but please... NOT this! I can't lose you! Not again! You SAID you LOVED me! How could you... come here, give me hope, and just rip my heart out!? How COULD you!? What kind of person would play with someone's feelings!? Do you know how destructive that..." Bryce stopped dead in his tracks. He just ate his words.
"Yeah. What kind of person does that, Bryce?" Jack asked calmly. "How does it feel?"
Jack just broke something very precious inside Bryce just then. Sure, it hurt. Seeing Bryce so upset, so raw. However, part of him... a BIG part of him... maybe even most of him actually liked it, seeing his abuser suffering, but Jack had been working hard to not be that person, to not embrace the darkness that had controlled his life for too long. Yet Bryce's comment suddenly made one thing very clear to Jack, a strange calmness replacing the angry frown that had contorted it. "You're right, by the way." he said calmly. As Bryce looked at him, almost hopefully, he added, "You can't lose me... because you never HAD me in the first place. And... you never will."
"Jack, please!" Bryce pleaded.
"No. I... I'm not yours to lose or keep. We're done here!" Jack said, the gnawing feeling in his stomach finally melting away as he opened the door and walked away. He knew Bryce was still there, watching him, but he never looked back, not even a single glance.
A Week Later
It had been a week since Jack's first visit to Elliott. They had arranged to meet up again today and Jack had done his best to just get on with his week as normal, but the thought of seeing his former best friend again was never far from his mind. It would have been wrong to say he was feeling positive about it all. He certainly felt like he was making progress and his last meeting with Dr Stanton earlier today had been a good one.
The conversation - closure, really - with Bryce last week had really changed a lot of his feelings about reconnecting with Elliott. It had not gone the way he expected at all, but it had undoubtedly started to tackle some of the lingering feelings he had been pushing aside to focus on his more immediate mental well being. That left the nagging question in his mind of how things would go with Elliott.
He had agreed to visit Elliott at his house again. They had wanted privacy, but the thought of letting Elliott back into his own home and bedroom was not one Jack was ready yet to entertain. On top of that, Elliott still didn't really go out much anymore and seemingly preferred to stay in the seclusion of his own room.
"Hi," Elliott said a little awkwardly as he opened the door to Jack.
"Hey," Jack said, staring back for a moment. It was still tough to see Elliott, not only for the memories it brought back of what he had done, but just seeing the state he was in. Admittedly he did look better than he had the previous week, but he still seemed like a shell of the joyful, vibrant boy Jack had grown up with.
It was that very memory of their shared youth that had even allowed Jack to stick to their arranged meeting. He had been able to be dismissive of Bryce because, as he had told him at the time, they never had anything real in the first place. That was not the case with Elliott. They had shared so much growing up together, they had been actual friends before this all went down and that made everything just feel more intense, both the good and the bad.
"Erm... come in," Elliott said, moving aside.
Jack walked in and stood awkwardly in the hallway. "Are... uh... are your parents home?"
"No, it's just us!" Elliott explained. He saw Jack visibly flinch and said, "If you... don't feel safe being alone with me, we can... go out or... or do this another time!"
Jack let out a gentle sigh and shook his head. "No, it's okay," he said quietly.
"We okay to... hang out in my room?" Elliott asked nervously.
Jack nodded and followed him up. While there had been a slight improvement in Elliott's appearance – in that it looked like he had at least showered today – the biggest change was in his room. Unlike the previous visit, the curtains were open, the bed was made, everything was back in its place. It was mildly disconcerting to Jack that everything looked, on the surface, exactly like it had... before! He looked over at the desk. "Different laptop." he observed.
"Yeah," Elliott said timidly, his previous one having been destroyed at Jack's brother's command.
"Would you mind... closing it?" Jack requested a little awkwardly.
"Why? I wouldn't record anything..." Elliott started, but realised Jack had every right to be suspicious and just nodded. He closed the laptop and turned to face Jack.
"And your phone?" Jack asked.
"Here!" Elliott said, pulling it out of his pocket. He turned it off, showed Jack and placed it on his laptop. At least Jack wasn't making him wipe and destroy his electronics, unlike Davis did six months ago. He was thankful for that at least.
"And... you don't have any other... recording devices going?" Jack asked, feeling paranoid as he looked around the room, though understandably so.
"Jack....come ON! Do you really think I would.....after everything that happened!?? There's something else you need to know. We NEVER would have used any of that against you in the first place! I....kinda just used it as jerk-off material!"
"I know that now. Still. You RECORDED me just the same....and I LET you! That's never happening again. Got it?"
"Loud and clear." Elliott said meekly. "Wasn't going to anyway." He added under his breath.
"So answer my question."
Elliott felt sick at the fact his friend was clearly so worried at just being around him, but he sighed and shook his head. "No, Jack! No! I don't have any recording devices," he said insistently. He ruined Jack's trust in him. Probably forever. He was angry all right, but not at Jack.
Once they got that settled, Jack slowly, and casually took a seat in Elliott's desk chair, partly out of old habit, but also just to ensure he kept a safe distance from his (former) best friend.
While awkward silence filled the room at first, gradually the two began to converse. It had been over half a year since they had hung out alone together, but one of the joys of true friends is the ability to just pick up and continue no matter whether it's been an hour or a year since last speaking. That was how natural it felt within a surprisingly short amount of time.
They talked about the same things they used to, discussing TV shows, movies, video games, music. Jack had picked up some different musical tastes from the various friends he had made since leaving and he talked with surprising eagerness about much of it, even going as far as to play some Cradle of Filth for Elliott to hear. Namely, the song Cruelty Brought Thee Orchids. One of Jack's favourites.
"That's supposed to be....MUSIC?" Elliott honestly asked after patiently sitting through all seven minutes and twenty agonizing seconds of the song.
Jack just shrugged. "What can I say? It's an acquired taste."
They had moved around a lot as they talked, eventually both ending up on Elliott's bed, although they sat at opposite ends.
It was only when Jack started talking about where he had picked up some of his new interests from that things began to get a little awkward. Talking about Devin, Theo, Drewcifer and the others he had befriended right after the abuse, as well as the people he had met when he was able to switch schools, it just highlighted the fact that, as comfortable as they had gotten from chatting again, everything had changed.
"I remember. Seeing you in those goth clothes, I mean! Ben thought you looked hot, by the way! You know, the way you had your hair combed down?"
The mention of the youngest of them made Jack feel awkward. He was going to offer his sympathy to Elliott. Ben had told him last week that Elliott broke up with him a while back. After his encounter with Bryce, though, he found that he had no sympathy to give any of them. Not now. Possibly not ever. "Yeah, well...it was a phase. I guess it helped me, though. I still hang out with them sometimes. They're good friends" He wanted to add, 'unlike YOU were', but was learning to bite his tongue. Plus, Elliott got the message loud and clear.
"I'm... glad you found people who... like you for who you are!" Elliott said a little awkwardly, offering a meek smile.
"Yeah, so am I!" Jack answered honestly. "It's... been a long road, but... I'm getting there!"
"Does that... road still have... me on it?" Elliott asked awkwardly.
Jack stared at Elliott for a moment, mulling it over. There was so much to think about. Their history, their feelings for each other, the things Elliott had done (and instigated!), Jack's recovery, Elliott's recovery. It was a lot, certainly more than could be covered in a single conversation in one day. The question was really whether Jack wanted to even keep having conversations with Elliott. "I don't know." he answered honestly.
Elliott stared back for a moment, then nodded and looked down at his hands. "Okay," he said softly. "It's just that last week when you came over, when I asked if we could still be friends, you...you know...said you'd like that. Sorry, I'm being pushy. I should just shut up, huh?" he asked, smiling sheepishly.
"I remember what I said last week, El...it's not as if it was six years ago! But...look, I was scared for you and seeing you like that made me concerned for your well being. If I'm going to be honest with you, though, I really don't know WHAT I want from you El," Jack said frankly. "I don't know if I even want anything, so if you're wanting me to just... have answers for you today..."
"I don't!" Elliott interjected. "Just... just coming here was... bigger for you than anything I can probably ever imagine and definitely infinitely harder."
Jack nodded, then smirked.
Elliott looked momentarily confused then ventured a smirk. "Did you just laugh at me saying harder?" he asked, shaking his head in mock disapproval.
"Maybe," Jack said with a hint of a shrug.
"You're so immature," Elliott said, getting a snigger in response. There had been many times in the youth that the two boys had got in trouble with their parents for laughing at innocent words like that. "Balls!" he said, getting a snigger from Jack.
"Stop it!" Jack said with a reluctant smile.
"Bone!" Elliott said with a grin.
"Seriously, stop!" Jack chuckled.
"Thrust!" Elliott said, making a gesture with his hips.
"What's WRONG with you?" Jack said, laughing in earnest now, at Elliott's ridiculous gesture.
"Just the tip!" Elliott said, invoking an old inside joke from when they were kids.
"I said stop it!" Jack said, lunging forward to physically stop Elliott continuing. Almost as soon as he made contact, the laughter stopped from them both and they pulled apart. It was like a mental line had been set establishing how `back to normal' they could get, and the contact had suddenly crossed it.
"S... sorry," Elliott stuttered awkwardly.
"Yeah," Jack nodded, frowning thoughtfully.
"Jack, I... I want to make things... right between us!" Elliott said, unsure whether it was really the right time.
"Sure, let's balance it out. I'll go grab some friends and they can hold you down while I fuck you!" Jack said. While the comment was already intended to be barbed, it came out even more pointed than he had intended.
"Would that... help?" Elliott asked nervously.
"I don't fucking know," Jack said, shaking his head. It was all so confusing. Being around Elliott again felt like slipping into an old, favourite, comfortable hoodie, or maybe watching a cherished childhood movie. It felt nice and comforting and gave him a feeling he hadn't known he was missing. At the same time, he got memories of the pain and the humiliation and the fear he had been subjected to by Elliott and the others.
"You can fuck me if you want!" Elliott offered. "I mean it Jack. I'll do whatever it takes to..." he paused and sighed. "I don't want to say make it right, because it never can be. Same as I can't `make it up to you'. I just... I don't know either. I don't know what you need but I want you to have it, whatever it is!"
Suddenly the memories flooded. Jack snapped and was about to do one of two things. Punch Elliot square in the face, or.....this. he frowned and climbed off the bed. "On your knees. Turn around!" he ordered.
Elliott trembled for a moment, unsure if Jack was serious and what he had planned. He complied and took the position. He felt Jack grab at his sweatpants and underwear, yanking them down hard to mid-thigh.
"Keep your head down. Don't look at me!" Jack ordered.
Elliott felt the head of Jack's cock press against his hole. He had made no attempt to lubricate, and it hurt as it pushed inside him, though he was determined not to make a sound, at least, not unless Jack told him to.
Jack pushed in, balls-deep, his lap pressing against Elliott's butt. He moved back most of the way without pulling out fully before thrusting back in hard. He heard a muted grunt from Elliott. He repeated the motion, and again, and again, gradually getting faster.
As Jack settled into a steady pace, he heard Elliott demand, "HARDER!"
"What?" Jack asked, surprised. He knew this had to be hurting.
"Harder," Elliott requested. "And faster!" He suddenly found himself thinking of Tyler, of the things he had endured with the other teen since everything ended with Jack. He certainly would have enjoyed the pain Elliott was enduring. He tried to force the other boy from his mind and focus on Jack instead.
"I... erm... Elliott..." Jack stuttered. It had been a surge of anger that had pushed him into even starting the fuck, or was it something else? Why was he even doing this? Did he want to hurt his friend... former friend? Or was it to make Elliott feel BETTER, to make him feel like this was a step towards them being `even'? How could they ever be even anyway? How could they ever be equals again after what they had been through? And if they couldn't be equals, could they truly be friends? Did Jack even want them to be friends? His mind was racing with a million different questions as he continued sliding in and out of the unlubricated hole.
"Come on," Elliott demanded. "Make it hurt! I deserve it!" Thoughts of Tyler now completely flooded into Elliott's mind. He could never let Jack know that he himself was subjected to so much worse, these past six months.
"Yeah, you do!" Jack snapped in agreement, but then paused for a moment. Elliott absolutely deserved pain... didn't he? But was this the way to do it? Did Jack want to inflict pain when he had been working so hard to move on and break the cycle? Yet he continued fucking Elliott. Clearly not quite as hard and fast as the other teen wanted, but he maintained a steady pace until he felt an orgasm building. He nearly called out, warning him, maybe asking where he wanted it, but didn't bother, eventually just shooting inside him.
Jack pulled out as soon as he had finished and put his dick away, retreating over to the desk chair.
Elliott let out a slight shudder as he felt a dribble of Jack's spunk escape his hole, bringing with it more thoughts of Tyler and the suffering he had endured.
"I... I should go!" Jack said a little awkwardly as he stood up.
"Okay, erm... will... will I... see you again soon?" Elliott asked, climbing off the bed.
"I... don't know!" Jack answered honestly. "I really just... don't know! I just wanna get out of here!"
Elliott nodded his understanding, sitting back down, bare-assed, onto the bed as Jack let himself out. Not even bothering to pull his pants up. The younger teen began to sob as he rubbed his sore hole, not caring that Jack's semen was leaking all over his bed. It felt right, actually. Justified. Shame and guilt once again began to consume him. He convinced himself that last week was a turning point. Jack finally wanted to see him, after six months of estrangement! He shouldn't have gotten his hopes up. Judging by what was just said, the look in Jack's eyes...he felt that his very existence was hurting Jack. How could they ever go back to being friends, when the older boy seemed to despise him? He took his cell phone out of his pocket and looked for a number in his call list. Once he found it, his finger was shaking. Should he call, or not? Elliott had not touched a drop of alcohol in four months. After 28 sessions with Dr. Fernandez in the rehab he was sent to back in November, he learned that drinking would only make him feel WORSE about himself. That's just it, though. Did he not WANT to feel worse? Didn't he deserve as much?
As his finger hovered over the number to Holmepoint Wine and Spirits, his sobs turned to hysteria.
Note from Matt:
Writing Jack Hamilton was an amazing experience, especially seeing the lives it touched and hearing so much feedback about it. As you may be aware, fellow author River Acheron has been writing a story that fills in the time gap between chapters 19 and 20, titled The Fallout of Jack Hamilton – found here https://www.nifty.org/nifty/gay/authoritarian/the-fallout-of-jack-hamilton/
As my time is increasingly spent on other projects, it has become clear my return to Jack's world is looking less and less likely, so I have decided to hand over creative control of the story to River. I know I'm leaving Jack and co. in good hands. Thank you all for the love and support. Keep reading mine and Rover's stories, as well as supporting Nifty. This is a wonderful community that thrives on the passion of both the authors and the readers.
One final note before I hand over for the last time. A big thank you for Jasper Cooper for his original story `The Downfall of Nate Ramsey' that served as the inspiration for Jack Hamilton. Thanks Jax!
And now... goodbye!
Note from River:
Thanks, Matt! :) River here, Matt's partner-in-crime for all things Jack Hamilton. As I'm sure some of you know, I am the author of 'Fallout of Jack Hamilton', so I am no stranger to this franchise. I couldn't do it alone, however. Every word you all read in 'Fallout' was run by Matt, got his approval, and many of the ideas came directly from him as well. In short, the story would not exist without him and as you read Fallout, you are reading Matt as much as you are reading me. I'd also like to thank Jasper Cooper (Jax), because he is also instrumental in helping me with large chunks of the story. More than once, we spent hours emailing back and forth on how to proceed on a particular section.
Matt, I want to say thank you again....for not only creating 21 amazing chapters, but for entrusting the future of 'Jack Hamilton' to me. I will do it justice, with the same care, and dedication you have shown. You have left me a behemoth of a tale, with six years of history behind it, and I consider that no small obligation. I urge the readers reading this to check out his other works. ('Tales from Kingswood' is EPIC!!)
And speaking of the readers.....thank YOU! I must admit, when I read my first feedback in my email (I'm looking at you, Marco!), I thought it was a fluke. But then, the responses came flooding in, and have not stopped. I am humbled, and shocked by the amount of attention 'Fallout of Jack Hamilton' has received. I understand how Matt feels now, and Jasper as well, and ALL authors out there! The knowledge that your words are not only being read, but literally affecting so many people out there who are invested in it....there's no way to describe it properly to do it justice. So I just want to say again, thank you!
Look forward to more chapters to 'Fallout of Jack Hamilton', and the upcoming side-story, 'Elliott's 28 Days'.
And of course......
'Jack Hamilton 2'.....the direct sequel to 'Jack Hamilton', and picking up where this story has ended, coming in late summer!