Jack Hamilton

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Jack Hamilton Is Not A Nice Person

Chapter 18

THEN

Jack emerged from his bathroom and rolled his eyes. Elliott had made his bed again. "I know you only do that to suck up to my Mom!" he said with a reluctant smile.

"No, I do it cos you're a slob!" Elliott said back with a grin. "So whadda you wanna do today?"

Jack's eyes glanced round at his desk. He had sat there the previous night, typing a message out on his phone but every time he got a few sentences in, he just chickened out and deleted it. He tried again on his computer, typing an email but again he kept deleting his progress, frustrated with his own lack of resolve. Finally, he started writing on paper, scribbling away with pen in hand. He could screw the paper up, but the words would still be there, so there was no deleting it this time. It had taken him half the night, which was why he was still in bed when Elliott had arrived.

Now though, he looked. The letter was neatly folded, ready to be handed over, ready to say the things he had spent most of sophomore year trying to say. He approached it, picked it up, his heart pounding in his chest. These were the things he could never say, but the things Elliott had to know. He stared down at it for what felt like an eternity.

"Jack?" Elliott asked after his friend's prolonged silence.

Quickly he threw the letter back down onto the desk and turned around grinning. "Let's go hang out at the mall!" he said cheerfully.

Elliott seemed okay with the idea so they headed out. As they left, Jack looked back at his desk. 'Maybe tomorrow!' he thought with a sigh.

NOW

The car finally stopped. Jack had not been driving anywhere in particular, he just had to drive, to get himself and Elliott as far away from people as possible. The things he had to say weren't going to be quiet and he didn't want anyone else overhearing. Several times on the ride Elliott had tried to talk, but each time Jack had raised a hand, not as a threat, merely as a signal to remain silent. Elliott had complied.

Now though, the sound of the engine died and the quiet crept over them. They were well outside the town limits now, the sound of the nearby highway a quiet drone, a single street light several yards away and a near-full moon their only illumination.

"Can I talk now?" Elliott asked cautiously.

"No!" Jack snapped. "You can listen! Let me make one thing clear. As of now, it doesn't work! Your threats, your... your promises to destroy me, it doesn't work any more. Anything you might do to me now would actually be an improvement on shit-heap that is my life so you have NO power over me. You got that?"

Elliott disagreed. Jack was obviously angry, not thinking clearly and probably thought what he said was true, but Elliott still knew he had a lot more to lose. Not wanting that to become the point of their imminent discussion, he nodded.

"Good. Now one little question, Elliott.... what the fuck? Like, seriously, what the actual fuck?!" Jack growled furiously.

Elliott frowned although in the low light the expression was barely visible. "I... don't think that's an actual question," he said timidly.

"My Dad and my brother. You actually made me do things with my own fucking family!" Jack said, head shaking.

'That's still not a question!' Elliott thought, but decided against verbalising it. "Look, when we took you there tonight, we had no idea that was going to happen, I swear!"

"Oh, okay then," Jack replied with a clearly sarcastic smile which quickly dropped into a scowl. "No, wait, it's still seriously fucked up! You... you sat in that room and you watched it happen. He told me. Davis told me they took off their masks. You saw them, you know them, but you still let it go on!"

"What was I supposed to do?" Elliott snapped back, beginning to sound as angry as Jack. "March in and go 'Hey Mr H, sorry to interrupt your secret gay sex life, just thought you should know that's your son over there before you accidentally fuck him!', sure, that would have gone down great!"

Jack gritted his teeth. He could see the point Elliott was making, but that didn't make the situation any less disturbing. "You still... shoulda done something!" he insisted firmly.

"You're right!" Elliott snarled back. He realised what he was saying and forced himself to relax a little. He nodded gently, took a deep breath and repeated more lightly, "You're right. I should. And I'm sorry."

Seeing the other teen apparently back down caught Jack a little off guard, almost stunning him out of his anger. "Okay," he said, a little stunned, completely thrown off his argument.

Once again the hum of the highway filled the air between them.

"I guess... we've got a few other things we should... talk about," Elliott said, then sighed.

Jack just stared at his former best friend for a moment before opening the door of the car and stepping out. He walked round to the front and leaned on the hood, staring up at the moon, arms folded.

Elliott watched him for several seconds before doing the same, standing beside him.

Jack took a deep breath and looked to his side. "I... honestly don't know whether you love me or hate me!"

Elliott returned his gaze and shrugged. "Honestly, neither do I!"

"Based on.... you know, everything... I'm gonna guess it's hate!" Jack said. He felt like he should be angry. It seemed like he should be shouting at the other boy, but the pain in his chest was sapping his strength, leaving only weakness and sorrow for him. "Elliott, what are you doing? What's this all about?"

Elliott stepped away from the car, turned back and raised his leg, letting it rest beside Jack, then pointed to it. "It's about that!"

"It's about your knee?" Jack asked with an incredulous smirk.

"No, fucktard. That!" Elliott snapped, pointing to a two inch scar just below his knee. He saw Jack look at it for a moment before looking back at him. "You remember how I got that?" he asked gently.

Jack looked like he had just been punched in the stomach, the wind entirely knocked out of him. "The day we met..." he mumbled.

Elliott nodded, dropping his leg back down and leaning on the hood once more. "Yeah, you saved me from a bunch of homophobic thugs. Take a minute, think about that. YOU saved someone from a bunch of bullies."

Jack remained silent for several seconds, letting it run through his mind before he shrugged and replied, "What, so for helping you out I deserve to be punished?"

Elliott shook his head. He couldn't believe Jack could either miss the point or wilfully ignore it so easily. "Oh for fuck's sake. You're impossible!" he said dejectedly.

"SHUT UP!" Jack snarled, suddenly reaching round and grabbing the front of Elliott's t-shirt. "SHUT THE FUCK UP. STOP FUCKING SAYING THAT!"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Elliott immediately said back, eyes wide with shock, hands raised submissively.

Shaking and breathing heavily, Jack gradually let go, turning away again. "People keep saying that to me. They... they tell me I'm doing things wrong but don't tell me what it is and then, when I don't know what they're talking about, they say I'm impossible!" He turned back, jaw trembling. "Had you ever thought that maybe I just DON'T KNOW what I'm doing wrong?"

"I'm sorry," Elliott said again. "You're right. We probably should explain more, but... Jack, I've tried talking to you before. Hell, I spent years doing nothing BUT trying to talk to you but you just don't listen!"

"I listen!" Jack snapped, knowing it was mostly a lie.

"And don't try playing innocent now. Sure, maybe you don't know some of the stuff you've done, but you KNOW most of the things you do are wrong. That scar reminds me of that every time I see it!" Elliott insisted. "You... you used to be nice. You used to be... I dunno, good. I've seen you stand up to bullies, protect your friends, doing the right thing. I've SEEN that side of you but then I've seen the side of you that's... nasty and... and vindictive and homophobic. Don't you DARE stand there and tell me you didn't know what you were doing was wrong!"

"I did what I had to!" Jack snapped angrily. "You... you have no idea what it's like.... being me, being at the top. You don't know what they expect from me!"

"Then stop fucking doing it!" Elliott replied, shaking his head. "If doing what you do means acting like the biggest cunt I've met in my life, then it's not worth doing!"

Jack's fists were tightly clenched, lips squeezed together, deep breaths hissing in and out through his nose. "For fuck's sake, El," he snapped, kicking a loose stone on the ground, "You just don't get it. I... I had to be at the top. I'm the best, it's what I do. I stop doing that and what am I? Nothing, absolutely fucking nothing and that's all I've got left now thanks to you and your... your faggoty friends!"

Elliott stared open-mouthed for a moment, then sighed, his head drooping.

"Ugh, I'm sorry. I didn't..." Jack started, then stopped himself, his face screwing up angrily. "No, you know what, I'm NOT sorry. Fuck, what the hell's wrong with me? I've spent the last ten days being tortured by you and the others, what the fuck should I be sorry for? Aww, so I called you a faggot once or twice? Oh, then by all means, DESTROY MY FUCKING LIFE!" By the end of his rant, Jack was right up against Elliott, yelling in his face and jabbing a finger into his chest.

Elliott swung his fist, attempting to hit Jack in the face, but the other teen was too quick. He raised a hand to block it and returned the punch with his other hand moments later. Elliott was not quite so quick to block, Jack's knuckles connecting squarely with his jaw. Elliott staggered sideways, then looked back at Jack, clutching his face for a moment before he lunged.

Jack felt himself hit the ground, hard, Elliott on top of him. He tried to throw him off, rolling over on top of him as he was pushed aside. The two struggled, neither of them managing to land another hit, instead just rolling around gaining and losing the advantage in a seemingly endless cycle. Several minutes passed as they struggled, gaining nothing other than tired muscles. They eventually came to a stop, Elliott on his back, Jack on top of him, pinning the prone boy's hands to the ground either side of his head.

Elliott stared up at his former friend, eyes watery. "I may have destroyed your life, but you nearly cost me mine!" he said, barely louder than a whisper.

"What?" Jack asked, letting go of his hands, sitting up, still straddling him. He paused for a moment, looking down at him before climbing off. He sat on the ground beside him, offering a hand to pull Elliott up into a sitting position.

Elliott pulled his knees up to his chest, staring down at the tarmac, rocking gently.

"El, what did you mean?" Jack asked quietly.

"It doesn't matter," Elliott said, shaking his head. He had no desire to relive the tale and he had no doubt that Jack probably wouldn't care anyway. He felt a hand on his own and looked up to see Jack staring.

"Please," Jack requested. Part of him didn't care, the angry part that just wanted to get back in the car and drive away, but his curiosity and what remained of their friendship forced him to stay and probe further.

"Fine," Elliott said, then looked across at the car. "But I want a better seat." He stood up, walked across and jumped into the back seat of the car, moments later followed by Jack who sat on the other side.

"Jack, that day we met, when you... when you came along and saved me, you were like a... I dunno, a knight in shining armour. You were so strong and... and brave and cool and I just got the biggest crush in you in, like, seconds!"

"You.... you did?" Jack asked. Hearing himself described that way and then finding out someone he cared about him liked him that much, it gave him a warm sensation inside, almost enough to make him smile.

Elliott nodded. "I did. I mean, I didn't know it was a crush at the time. We were like, what, nine years old, but I liked you a lot. So as we grew up and I started to realise what crushes were I... kinda began to realise I wasn't like the other boys. I didn't care about girls, I only had eyes for you. The problem was, I was too scared to ever tell you because you were my best friend and if it scared you off, I wouldn't just have a broken heart, I'd have lost my best friend too and I couldn't bear the thought of that so I just kinda kept it all inside."

Jack looked like he wanted to say something, but kept quiet.

"There were so many times where I was this close," Elliott said, raising his hand, thumb and forefinger millimetres apart, "to telling you how I felt, but I always chickened out or something would get in the way. Then we started high school and I thought 'yes, this is it, I'm becoming a grown up now, I just need to be honest' and I was going to tell you, but then we got onto the football team and you started saying things like faggot, queer, disgusting fag and... and I knew I could never tell you. Ever! If you hated gays that much, telling you would just end everything. You'd hate me and we'd never speak again, so I just shut up and did my best to ignore it."

Jack was gently nodding along with Elliott's tale, surprisingly looking genuinely remorseful.

"But I couldn't ignore it," Elliott continued. "I came to realise it wasn't just a crush, I was in love. Like, head-over-heels, heart-pounding, sweaty palms, can't get you out of my head, totally in love with you. Now think about that for a moment, could you? Imagine being in love with someone and then having them hurt you constantly without realising. I mean, every other word out of your mouth was 'faggot' or something just as nasty. The longer it went on, the more it got into my head. Logically I knew nothing would ever happen with you, I knew you'd never love me back, not the way I loved you but still the feelings wouldn't go away. I could see you gradually turning into the sort of bully you used to stand up to. You were becoming nastier and nastier every day and somehow, even though I tried not to, I still loved you and I started thinking 'It's me, it's gotta be me, I'm broken. No sane person could feel like this about someone who hates them that much'. I tried to force myself to stop thinking about you. I dropped out of the football team after sophomore year because I couldn't stand the thought of being around you if I made it into the varsity team, but still it was there."

Elliott paused. Everything he had said so far had been tough to admit to Jack, but he knew the worst was still to come. It was taking every bit of strength he had to hold back the tears as he continued.

"So there I was, convinced I was broken or... warped... or just twisted and I began to believe the things you said about how disgusting and wrong it was to be gay. I looked up to you so much that I actually let you make me believe that stuff and I started hating myself. I mean, really, absolutely loathing everything about myself. Then... one day, the idea was just there! The perfect solution for someone so broken. You know the railroad crossing near the mall. Well there's a bench near that. One day, I went and sat there and started looking at train timetables!"

"Elliott..." Jack croaked, his mouth dry, hands shaking, terrified of what he thought he was about to hear.

"I couldn't do it any more. I couldn't spend another day loving you and hating myself that much. I saw the lights come on at the crossing and I just... started walking towards it..."

"Elliott don't..." Jack pleaded, tears trickling down his cheeks.

Eyes glazed over, his voice calm, detached almost, Elliott went on. "I stood there, waiting. I was thinking about you, about what would happen if you were there. I imagined standing there and telling you how I felt and you know what I saw?" He paused to look straight at Jack who sobbed, shaking his head. "I saw you... pushing me onto the tracks! I wanted you to pull me back, to hold me, to tell me it was okay and you'd always be my friend but I couldn't even imagine it. It was like that was all gone! For just a moment, I wanted it to happen, I was going to let it happen, but then... it was like something snapped. Suddenly it hit me that maybe I wasn't broken. Maybe it was you. You'd been so good once and now you were so awful. Something had to have broken in you and I had to put it right. That's what I kept telling myself, that I had to make you right again, because if that wasn't what was wrong, then it really was me and I deserved to be back at that crossing waiting to jump!"

It was more than Jack could take. His face dropped into his hands, sobbing. A few days earlier, he had been given a taste of how he had made Ben feel sometimes and it had felt truly horrific. Knowing he had made someone feel that way was beyond painful, but this? He felt like he might never stop crying. To have made someone feel that bad, to have driven someone to that point.... that was what Jack had done, that was how he had made his best friend feel.

Fifteen minutes later, both boys had calmed down. Elliott had broken down moments after Jack. Reliving the worst day of his life had been almost as bad as going through it the first time. He had gotten through that day, found ways to deal with his feelings and every day since then had been better than the last, but it was amazing how easy it could all come flooding back.

"El, I...." Jack started, still sniffing. "I can't... ever... make up for making you feel that way. I'll apologise. Honestly, I'll probably never stop apologising now, but..."

"But what?" Elliott asked, wondering what possible response Jack could have.

"But that doesn't excuse the things you've done!" Jack was surprisingly calm now. He had been through this moment in his mind so many times in the last week, imagining finally being able to confront Elliott about it. In just about every scenario that had played out in his mind, he had been shouting, furious, violent even. Now, he just felt numb. "You... and Ben... and the others. What you've done... I don't know if you think it's justice.... or karma... or just what I deserve but it's not, it was revenge."

Elliott stared for a moment, then nodded slightly.

"You get that, don't you?" Jack asked, sounding almost like he was scolding a naughty child. "You blackmailed me, you... raped me, abused me, humiliated me and sure, I get it. I mean, I was a total dick to the others, Ben more than the rest and I see now how I hurt you... but that doesn't make it okay."

"If it's any consolation," Elliott said, attempting poorly to lighten the mood, "It looked like you enjoyed a lot of it, you know, physically!"

Jack could tell Elliott was trying to be funny, but wasn't impressed. "Yeah, well I'm guessing you kept me dosed up with viagra for most of it!" he said back accusingly.

"Ah, yeah..." Elliott said, unsure whether his next comment would be a good thing or bad. "About the viagra..."

"What about it?" Jack demanded, expecting some horrific news. Was he still on it? Were the effects permanent? Was it causing him harm?

"They were just... sugar pills dipped in blue food dye!" Elliott revealed.

"What!?" Jack said, eyes widening. "You're... you're kidding, right?"

Elliott shook his head.

"So, all those times, I was.... that was just... I..." Jack stuttered, jaw dropping open slightly.

"See, I said you enjoyed it!" Elliott said with a slight grin.

It wasn't possible. Ever since finding out he had been drugged, Jack had been able to tell himself that his reactions to many of the things being done to him were out of his control, that it was a chemical thing. If that wasn't the case, then what did it mean? Earlier that night he had felt strange things during his torture, strange sensations he had been unable to justify in his own mind. He had also willingly done things with Bryce that he couldn't explain. He had kissed Felix! It was all too much.

"I.... I think I need to get some sleep!" Jack said, almost seeming to shrink into himself.

"Good idea," Elliott said with a nod.

Jack gestured to the drivers seat, intending for Elliott to take it.

"You sure?" he asked, a little shocked.

"Guess I kinda got used to it this week!" Jack said with a shrug as he jumped forward into the passenger seat.

They began the drive home, which went a lot smoother after Elliott figured out where they actually were. Silence hung between them again as it had when driving out there, but it didn't feel quite as oppressive this time.

When they pulled up at Jack's house, he got out but turned back to say something. As his eyes fell on Elliott, the words just vanished. Sharing a look at each other for a few moments, he turned and went inside.

Sleeping had definitely been Jack's intention when he got in but it was hard to make his brain shut down as easily as his exhausted body had. He couldn't shake the image of Elliott sat alone on that bench, looking at the crossing, contemplating the unspeakable.

It tore at his mind. He knew Elliott had been responsible for all the terrible things he had endured recently, so he should be furious at him, but somehow knowing how much he had suffered actually made him feel sorry for his friend.

He reached across and clicked on his lamp, but immediately turned it back off again. A moment later he turned it back on, glancing at his desk before plunging the room into darkness once more. A few moments passed and he let out a hearty sigh. The light came on and he sat up, then stood, then paced slowly across the room. Opening the drawer, he moved a few things aside then pulled out the neatly folded piece of paper.

"Tomorrow!" he said quietly to himself. He suddenly felt self-conscious, having spoken to himself right in front of his camera, but as he looked down he noticed that for the first time in a week, the light on his webcam was off!

He walked back to the bed, placing the paper under his phone on the cabinet to ensure he remembered it, not that he felt it was something he could easily forget, then gently lowered himself back onto the bed. This time, sleep came quickly.

"Hey, wake up!" Jack heard a voice say, a finger poking into his ribs.

Jack let his eyes open just a crack, enough to glance at the clock. It was ridiculously early, school wasn't for ages yet. "Fuck off!" Jack groaned, rolling over to turn his back to whoever it was.

Jack felt movement behind him. Whoever was there had climbed into his bed, laying alongside him.

"What are you doing?" Jack groaned. His back half was still sore and while the person behind him wasn't touching it, he didn't want to risk any accidental painful contact. He rolled back over on the spot, opening his eyes just enough to see a flash of ginger and freckles. "Ben, what are you doing?" he croaked, his mouth dry.

"Laying down, duh!" Ben said casually.

"Why?" Jack demanded, clearing his throat.

"Cos if you're not getting up yet, and we're your ride, we have to wait for you, so I wanna be comfortable!" Ben explained.

The logic was sound, but it didn't irritate Jack any less. As much as he wanted to go back to sleep, he knew it was unlikely now. He had mistakenly engaged in conversation and it had kicked his brain into gear. Sadly, that brought with it the weight of the previous day's events. Although his mind was mostly on Elliott, the acceptance of his own wrongdoing had opened a floodgate of other guilt for the embattled teen.

"I'm sorry," Jack said, almost whispering. He didn't know if they were alone or if it even mattered if anyone else overheard but he whispered nonetheless.

"What for?" Ben asked, slightly confused. Elliott had filled him in on (most of) the details from his talk with Jack, advising him that their games were effectively ended, that he felt they had taken things too far and that Jack was beyond pissed. As such, an apology was the last thing he expected.

Jack scoffed. "Take your pick. Name a day and I probably did something to you that I should apologise for!" At the time, it had been fun. He had justified it in his mind as 'just something the Captain does' or it being the 'natural order of things' in the school. It was hard to shake those feelings, but he was trying.

"Wow, I never thought I'd see this day!" Ben said, his surprise genuine although slightly hammed up for comedic effect.

"Don't ruin it!" Jack said, opening one eye to look at the boy.

"Okay," Ben said sheepishly. "I'm... sorry too!"

Jack nodded, the two laying facing each other.

Ben eventually grinned. "What's it like having a fag in your bed?"

Jack rolled his eyes, head shaking. "Look, if I promise to stop using those words, you've gotta promise to stop throwing them in my face. Deal?"

Ben nodded. "That's fair!" he said with a hint of a shrug. "But... be honest here Jack, do you really think there's something wrong with being gay?"

Jack had never seen the boy look so serious. Playful, masterful, even aggressive at times, but never quite like this. It was a tough question. "Is there any chance," he started, "You could wait until tomorrow to ask me that?"

Ben frowned questioningly, but shrugged again. "Yeah, whatever!" he replied casually. A few moments later, he asked, "What's gonna happen with you and Elliott?"

"I don't know," Jack replied honestly. His eyes quickly darted onto the letter folded up under his phone.

"He loves you, ya know," Ben said softly.

"Yeah, he told me how he used to feel," Jack said, the conversation still painfully fresh in his mind.

"No, I mean, he STILL loves you, even now!" Ben clarified.

Jack stared at the boy. Considering he was Elliott's boyfriend, it must have been a horrifically painful thing to admit.

"He thinks I don't know," Ben said, sniffing. "He thinks I believe he did all this just to.... to make you see the error of your ways, but that's not true. He loves you!"

Seeing Ben cry was virtually a daily thing for Jack. He was usually the cause and really had no problem with that. Today felt different though. He started to reach out but almost as soon as he moved, Ben was on him, face buried in his chest.

"I know you're right and I know that must be hard to accept, but you seem to be forgetting something quite important," Jack whispered. He heard a low, inquisitive grunt from Ben and went on. "He loves you too. I didn't know it at the time because he hid that you were together, but I've never seen him as happy as he is with you."

"Really?" Ben asked, looking up, large puppy-dog eyes watery and suddenly glimmering with hope once more.

Jack felt like his heart was melting, the boy was just so painfully adorable. Regardless of their genders, Jack couldn't help but feel happy knowing that he and Elliott had each other. "Really!" Jack replied, smiling warmly.

Ben let his head rest on Jack's chest again. A few moments later, he pulled back, looked up and asked, "Why are you such a dick?"

Jack felt a surge of anger. Despite everything that had gone on, despite the unexpected rapport building between the two, Jack still wasn't used to being outright insulted to his face. He scowled momentarily but remained silent.

"I mean, you have these... these moments, where it's like 'oh, he's a real person, he can actually treat me with a basic bit of human decency' and then there's the rest of the time when you're just... horrific!" Ben explained.

Jack was still fighting the reflex to lash out in response, but the more he thought about it, the more he began to agree with it. The comment was much like the things Elliott had said to him, about how he had been before and what he had become. So many things raced through his mind – Craig, Coach Sanders, the letter, everything he could think of to explain himself, but even with all of that, it was impossible to put into words.

"Sorry," Ben said quietly, seeing the obvious confusion on Jack's face. "I know a lot of this can't be easy for you!"

Jack sighed, there were the sad puppy-dog eyes again. "It's okay, I guess I brought this on myself." he conceded.

Ben suddenly sat up, pulling away from Jack. "No you didn't!" he insisted. "Sure, being the world's biggest douche, that was you, but everything that's happened recently..." he paused, trembling. "It was me, it was all me. Sure, Elliott's played a big hand in it, but it all comes back to me. It was my idea and... and... things just... got carried away and... people got hurt and... I started it."

Jack laughed, surprising both himself and Ben.

"Oh this is funny to you?" Ben asked angrily, wiping a tear from his cheek.

"Oh, no... I didn't..." Jack started, reaching out but pulling his hand back just before he touched Ben, "It's just... all of this, it's so fucked up and what I was laughing at was the... I dunno how to explain it. It's like, this started and you all figured you were the good guys, doing the noble task of taking down the tyrant, Jack Hamilton and I was thinking I was the brave and powerful King of the school taken hostage by the evil gays but... the more you look at it, the more you realise there WERE no good guys in it. We're just... a bunch of bad people doing bad things to each other!"

"Yeah," Ben said, nodding his understanding.

"There is... something I want you to know though," Jack began. He sighed, deliberating whether or not to continue with what he was about to share. Would it just sound like an excuse for his actions, or would it give the boy a better understanding. Either way, he felt he had to say it. "The way I acted, the things I've done... I think... you would have been suffering regardless of who was team Captain."

"What?" Ben asked, leaning back, looking confused. "You saying I was, like, destined to be bullied?"

"It's not destiny!" Jack said, face screwing up angrily. "It's Coach Sanders! He... he trained me, to... to... I dunno, be a bully, to.... exert my dominance over the school with insults and violence and... and I think he's been doing it for years. You never met Craig, he was Captain before me and he was exactly the same. I think it's just what the Coach does. I know... I know how crazy that sounds, but... he..." Jack shook his head, unable to express himself.

Ben reached out and touched Jack's arm. "Is that...true?" he asked gently. When he got a teary-eyed nod back, he closed his eyes for a moment. He opened them, eyes almost as watery as Jack's. "They made you into a monster."

Jack nodded. "I guess they did.... well... no. They did things that pushed me that way, but it was me that let them!" He sighed. He had spent so much time blaming the Coach, or the gays or Elliott that it actually felt slightly liberating to accept his own culpability for his actions. Allowing the thought to sink in for a few moments, Jack glanced at the clock. It was still quite early, but he figured they may as well get up. Playfully he nudged Ben but misjudged the strength and caught the boy off guard. The push and knocked him right off the bed.

"Sorry!" Jack immediately called out, leaning over to look down at the boy.

Ben looked back up, shaking his head but grinning. "You so did that on purpose!" he said, climbing up as Jack swung his legs off the bad and sat up.

"I really didn't!" Jack insisted. "I'm sorry!"

Now it was Ben's turn to laugh. "You've said that a few times this morning. I never even thought you knew that word!"

Jack's eyes narrowed, feigning annoyance. It only lasted a second before he smiled and shook his head. "Shut up," he said casually.

"Fine, I'll just go pick today's outfit," Ben said, heading for Jack's closet. As he saw the look on Jack's face, he laughed once more. "Just kidding."

Jack felt a twitch in his cock. It should have been a nice feeling, but it suddenly brought with it a tide of other thoughts that had been held back so far that morning. "I'm gonna go get ready," he said, dashing into the bathroom.

Quickly jumping into the shower, he closed his eyes and leaned on the wall. "Okay, here goes..." he said quietly to himself. He took a deep breath and started going through some of the tasks he had been forced to endure at the hands of Elliott, Ben and the others. Crawling round on the floor, giving his first blow job. His cock began to swell. Being restrained, having his first nipple-induced orgasm. Harder. Fingers invading his ass for the first time. His cock throbbed. Riding Bryce's cock, his exquisite penis teasing Jack's prostate, their kiss, the fucking, Bryce, the fucking. "Holy shit!" Jack yelped, his cock felt like it was going to burst.

Standing back up and turning the temperature of the shower down slightly, he took some deep breaths, shaking as much from his own thoughts as from the cool water. No viagra this time, no master forcing him to do, think or say anything, just his own mind, his own... fantasies! He felt tears welling up, but shook his head, steeling his resolve. 'You're not crying over this, you pussy!' he admonished himself.

He turned off the shower and stepped out. As he grabbed a towel, he found himself thinking about Davis, about the way his older brother had wrapped him in towels after finding him passed out in the shower. He felt a surge of embarrassment but realised one thing immediately that relieved him. Thinking about Davis had, inevitably, brought on the memory that he had done things with his sibling at the club the previous night. The sense of relief came when he realised his cock had shrunk, any remaining firmness from his earlier train of thoughts completely obliterated by the accidental near-incest. That was some consolation at least.

As Jack started walking into his room, he saw that Ben had actually chosen an outfit for him, although he had chosen some of Jack's 'normal' clothing, not the embarrassing tight and revealing clothing he had been subjected to so often in recent days. However, sitting at his desk he didn't find Ben as he expected, Elliott was now there, the younger boy apparently gone.

"Oh, hey," Jack said awkwardly.

"Hey, you okay?" Elliott asked. He knew it was a stupid question really, but it just came out.

Jack shrugged. "I guess so," he said calmly. He pulled the towel from around his waist and began drying his torso. It suddenly hit him how freely he had just exposed himself to his friend. A couple of weeks earlier, he would have taken his clothes into the bathroom with him, not returning from his shower until he was fully covered again. Yet here he was now, naked and (relatively speaking) carefree about his nudity.

"Where's Ben?" Jack asked, not sure what else to say.

"Davis wanted a word with him too," Elliott explained.

"Oh," Jack said, frowning as he pulled on his boxers. "Wait, too? He spoke to you?"

Elliott raised his eyebrows. "Threatened, rather than spoke!"

Davis had been the biggest surprise for Jack in everything that happened the previous night. His big brother had confessed to him that he was aware of what the others were doing to him... to an extent. Davis had worried about Jack all of the previous week, but figured he should stay out of his younger brother's business. Any time he had interfered in his life previously, Jack had basically told him to fuck off, but call it brotherly instinct, he just knew this time Jack needed help.

Davis had confronted Elliott, demanding to know what was happening. Elliott had been sly and revealed part of their plot to Davis, just enough to explain Jack's behaviour and justifying it as 'setting him back on the right path' but carefully omitted the more incriminating details. As far as Davis knew, they were just teasing Jack a lot, embarrassing him a little at school with his outfits. He hadn't mentioned the sex, the stripping or any of the more sordid things they had forced upon Jack. Davis hadn't been happy about it, having seen the harm it was doing to Jack and had insisted that they bring it to an end sooner rather than later.

Needless to say, when Jack revealed to him the depths of the depravity he had endured, the elder Hamilton brother was furious. Had Jack not stormed out to confront Elliott himself, Davis probably would have gone instead and while Jack had admonished Elliott verbally, Davis would have gone in fists swinging.

The sheepish look now on Elliott's face made it quite apparent that Davis had been extremely clear in his determination that the entire thing needed to stop. Jack felt bad for just a moment as he thought about Ben who was probably being yelled at down the hall in Davis' room.

Jack had finished dressing in silence, the awkwardness between the two friends increasing by the moment. They both breathed a sigh of relief as the door opened and Ben walked in, Davis close behind him. The younger boy looked like he had been crying. Hopefully Davis hadn't been too hard on him. Inexplicably, Jack was actually starting to like the boy and he didn't want to see him upset (any more).

"Morning," Davis said as he saw Jack, scowling as his eyes fell on Elliott once more.

"Hey," Jack said back with a weak smile.

Davis looked his brother up and down, happy to see him back in his regular clothing. "We all good here?" he asked

"Yeah, we are," Jack said, looking between the other two teens. His eyes momentarily fell on the letter still laying under his phone. "Hey, erm... could you do me a favour? Could you take Ben to school?"

They all looked at him for a moment, but nobody questioned it. It was not unexpected that he would want to be alone with Elliott.

"Sure," Davis said with a nod. "Come on, kid. Let's go!"

Ben nodded and shot Elliott and Jack a quick smile before disappearing out of the room.

"Davis!" Jack suddenly called out, his older brother stepping back into the room inquisitively. Jack moved towards him and pulled the young man into a tight hug. The two hadn't hugged for the best part of a decade so it felt a little strange but also pleasant to reconnect. "Thank you!" he whispered.

"You're welcome," Davis said, squeezing him back.

"And tonight you can tell me more about you and Dad!" Jack added before letting go.

Davis pulled away, frowned but nodded gently before heading back out to follow Ben.

"Just us then..." Elliott said, taking a deep breath as Jack turned to face him.

Jack just nodded. He finished getting ready for school, surreptitiously slipping the letter into his pocket along with his phone. His heart was pounding so hard he worried it might burst right through his chest at any moment.

As the two teens got out to the car, Elliott stopped. He had been getting into the habit of going straight to the driver's seat, but today he looked at Jack who smirked at the hesitation, then got in, gesturing for Elliott to get in the passenger seat. They pulled out onto the street and Jack sighed.

'Tomorrow,' he thought about the letter, 'It was always tomorrow, never today.' He reached into his pocket, pulled it out and passed it over to Elliott.

"What's this?" Elliott asked, frowning.

"I wrote that... for you... ages back in sophomore year," Jack explained, glad he had to keep his eyes on the road as it gave him an excuse not to make eye contact. "I tried to give it to you, like, a million times."

"What does it say?" Elliott asked nervously.

"Just.... just read it!" Jack said, his resolve wavering. He was tempted to snatch it back, pretend it never existed.

They continued driving as Elliott unfolded the letter and started reading. It was like they had fallen into a time warp. Every second felt like a minute, each minute an hour as Jack waited for Elliott to finish reading.

"Pull over," Elliott said firmly, eyes fixed on the paper.

"Wh... why?" Jack asked anxiously.

"Just do it!" Elliott snapped.

Jack found a suitable spot and pulled over. The second the car came to a complete halt, he felt a punch in his arm. "Ow!" he yelped out.

Elliott swung again, not actually trying to inflict pain, just venting his feelings. "You idiot. You absolute fucking idiot."

"What?" Jack asked, confused by the reaction.

"This!" Elliott insisted, waving the letter. "You... how could you... why didn't you..." he was completely unable to even string a full sentence together, it was all just too much for him.

Shaking his head, he looked down at it again.

Elliott

I don't know how to say this. I've tried to just talk to you, but you know I'm not good at talking, at least not off of the field. You're my best friend, I can barely remember what life was like before you came along. But for the last couple of years I've been thinking about you a lot and I don't just mean as a friend, I mean in other ways!

I'm not gay! I'll never be gay. You know how much I love pussy, but I keep thinking about you and it's tearing me up inside. Don't worry, I'm not declaring my undying love for you, I know you're straight too, I just needed to tell someone about this and you're the only person I trust. I know you won't tell anyone, cos if you did, I'd lose everything. You know how the team feels about fags, they'd never accept one in charge of it.

I'm no fag, but if they found out I was even thinking this stuff they'd kick my ass. Besides, if I fucked this up, Craig would probably kill me. I'm not even kidding. Before he left he pretty much threatened me. He said if I fuck up the team, he'd know and he'd make me suffer. Coach Sanders too, he's threatened me with what he'd do if I screwed things up for him. So I gotta put the team first. I'm the Captain, it's my life, it's everything to me so I've gotta do what it takes to keep it going.

I just pray you don't hate me for this, whatever it is. If I ever lost you, I don't think I could take it. I know whatever it is I'm feeling will pass but I just had to get it out. I don't like guys, that's how I know I'm not gay, I just like you and it's confusing and scary and I'm sorry.

Please don't hate me

Jack