Introspection 2
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This document contains homosexual themes and acts. If you are underage or don't like the subject, then don't read it.
The story is not autobiographical and is a product of the writer's fertile imagination.
Comments welcomed preecherdave@gmail.com
Previously
"I guess that he wasn't on the business trip that he told me that he was on. Interesting. Thank you. I won't let him know that you told me. I am smart enough to work it into a conversation in other ways."
"Sorry, I have been wrestling with whether to tell you or not but I really thought that you should have all the information."
With that, we looked at the other and gave each other a gentle kiss on the lips. I was stepping back into the real world. I had decided that my decisions would be based on how Peter reacted tonight and I would refuse to discuss anything until we were at the condo tonight. I knew that I could fall back on the suites hotel for a while. Their weekly rate was not bad and I had saved a lot of money splitting the rent with Peter and renting out my condo with that money going into savings.
Present
Work was something that I really liked and I became immersed in it immediately. I gave bland, generic answers about my weekend which seemed to satisfy people. I was then able to get them to tell me about their weekends. I actually did quite a good acting job. No one would have figured out that my life had been turned on its head this weekend. I was totally involved in a matter when I picked up my phone without looking at my call display.
"Paul Watson. How can I help you?"
"Where the hell have you been? I have tried to contact you. No response." In fact, I knew from reviewing my messages that his two calls weren't made until late in the afternoon and in the evening. There had been no emails. I had also called from a pay phone after our picnic and he wasn't there and when I reviewed our messages at the condo a few minutes after the call, there were no messages left there. He hadn't arrived until sometime in the mid or late afternoon. I guess he and Matthew got on very well.
"Oh and hello to you Peter. I could ask the same question. Where the hell were you on Sunday morning, noon and afternoon? You never phoned to let me know what you were doing. Oh yes, I remember, you were in bed with Matthew. I think Peter that this is not the time to discuss this. I shall be at the condo tonight and we can discuss everything in full, then."
"I think we should discuss it now."
"I don't ... think ... you ... heard ... me!" Where did that determined voice come from? I was glad that I had thought out my strategy. "I have work to do and now is not the time or place. See you at the condo." There was silence at the other end. He was not used to me being this sure of myself and almost aggressive. A change in character and roles.
He had to get the last words in. "If you are going to take that attitude, OK tonight."
"See you then, Peter." I hung up. Petulant bastard. One more thing to consider in my decision. I was surprised; the day went quite well after that. I even had a good lunch with some colleagues from the office. I had to admit to myself that I began to feel a little tension and bit of nervousness as the time to leave for the day arrived. In fact, I was quite on edge by the time that I opened the door to the condo. I realized how relieved I felt when I found that I was the first one back. Somehow it let me feel that I could do some things and prepare to greet him. I noticed that my mind had not been saying home but the condo all day. I really did see my little world differently. I put my stuff in the study with the bed still unmade from last night. I suspected that was where I would be spending tonight if not at the Suites. I set about getting some supper ready with things that we had in the freezer. I even made two servings. I had checked the answering machine, no messages. My stomach and body tensed when I heard his key in the door.
"Hey, Peter, wash up, supper is ready." Might as well start like an ordinary night.
"OK."
I heard the water running and then he appeared in the kitchen. He moved towards me to greet me with a kiss. I pretended not to notice and collected my plate and the open bottle of wine. He had a little surprised look on his face. I asked after his day. We talked about the day as we ate but it was a little stiff as if there was some unspoken matter lurking in the background. I wonder what that could be? We took our plates back to the kitchen.
"Peter, why don't you grab some more wine and join me in the living room." I chose a one person chair. Again he looked a little surprised. We hadn't come close to each other since he arrived home. That was a fair change in routine. I smiled to myself. I was nervous and had started to sweat. My armpits were increasingly damp. I told myself that I could do this.
"Peter, I think that we have things to talk about."
"Where were you yesterday and last night?"
"Peter, that is NOT the issue. The issue is Saturday night and Sunday until I left the condo." My voice was strong and sounded as if I would brook no argument. He looked at me with astonishment. This was not the Paul that he was used.
"You agreed to go to Matthew's."
"I let you know that I was not in total agreement and you assured me that we wouldn't do anything that I didn't want to do. At their condo, I told you that I was not on board with what was happening and you told me and I can quote 'I can still make my own decisions about what I want'. I did give you a choice to stop and you chose not to. You embarrassed me and Andrew. I felt betrayed by a man who I thought was my partner."
"Come on Paul, we both have histories before we got together. What is different with this? I didn't force you to do anything."
I didn't appreciate his tone or his comparison but I let it go. He really didn't get it. "I gave up some of that up for a relationship based on trust. You forced me to watch you crawling all over another man. It was very clear where you were headed. Let's not beat around the bush, Peter, that was not the first time that you were with Matthew."
"Yes, we met at a work out at the gym."
"Peter, don't add lies to this!" I was annoyed. His face was flushed and I could see a denial forming on his lips. "I wanted one last word with you before I left on Saturday night. I saw you in the master suite with your shirt undone, messaging his cock and I will never forget the words. 'Matt, you know what I like and where I want that big cock tonight, like last time'. I have thought back over the last weeks trying to figure out when the last time could have been. You didn't want me to pick you up at the airport two weeks ago. Oh, you were so kind and considerate." His eyes got big. "You weren't on a business trip! You had Matthew's big cock up your ass that weekend and you wanted a repeat with my consent on Saturday while I watched." I was on a roll and my feelings were gelling; this really was how I felt. "I remember the night you came back two weeks ago. We had not been together for two nights and three days, you were not interested in me that night or the next morning. I know; I tried. I know why now. I don't think that I can trust you."
I had decided to be direct and to use words that he would not expect from me. He looked dazed at my diatribe. I stopped and just stared at him. The silence stretched. It was clear it was making him uncomfortable. He didn't know what to say. I thought to myself a simple 'I am really sorry Paul. I screwed up. I really only want you' might be a start.
"What can I say? You agreed to come and I got carried away."
I agreed to come so it was partly my fault. Right. Secretly, I was faulting myself for exactly that. He got carried away. What could he do then? Might as well enjoy himself. Couldn't disappoint Matthew! What about his escapades two weeks ago? I remained silent, staring at him.
"Paul what do you want me to say?"
"It's at the point now, that it is not what I want to hear but what you want to say." I just looked at him. There were tears forming in my eyes. A year with a guy and he doesn't know what to say when he has cheated and humiliated him. Does great things for ones self image. And yes I was partly to blame for not being stronger from the outset. Lots of 'should have dones'. There didn't look as if there was much more going to be said.
"Well, I guess we have had our little chat. I think that I am going to bed." I stood up and started to walk out of the room.
"Paul I had no idea that things would turn out like this."
"Neither did I." Luckily, he could not see the tear that ran down my cheek. I wasn't even sure what the tear was for. I walked to the study and closed the door. I didn't get much sleep that night.
We had breakfast mostly in silence with single syllables to each other. I had made up my mind. When I was dressed and we were ready to go, I looked at him almost sadly. "Peter, I won't be here this week. I think that I need some time to sort my head out. We won't be comfortable together and you won't want my moods."
"You mean that you are moving out?" There was total surprise in his voice.
"I'll see you next Saturday or Sunday. I am coming this afternoon to get some clothes and personal items."
"Where will you go?"
"I am booking into the hotel that I stayed at last night. They have a reasonable weekly rate." Why did I add such a stupid last statement? Who knows, when your brain is scattered. "Any problems, you can get me on my cell or at work. Bye Peter." I credited myself with not being pleased that he looked lost and wordless. I just felt sad. Last night I realized that, if he had said that he was sorry that he had hurt me and that he wanted me to be with him, it would have made my decision much harder with possibly a different outcome.
I passed off my mood at work with the fact that I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I cleared out my clothes and personal things in the mid afternoon. I only took one thing from the living room, my iPod docking and speaker system along with my computer and iPad from the study. I left him a note telling him that I had taken them and that I would see him Sunday, signing it simply Paul.
Smartly, I had arranged to meet a couple of my buddies at a club on Monday night. We had supper and a few dances. They quickly caught my mood and I told them that Peter and I had had some disagreements over the weekend and that I was a little upset. I passed it off as nothing and we ended having a good evening. It was very lonely back at the hotel and I was really glad for the music system and the TV. I actually didn't think too much about what I was going to do. I just knew that I didn't have to live in a tension filled condo. I slept better and the next day went much better. Several times I caught myself thinking about how Andrew was faring and how it worked out between him and Matthew. Andrew was a great guy but I didn't want to get involved in a rebound romance which would distort everything.
The next night I went out to a club by myself. I ate some food and sat at the bar just enjoying the music and the ambiance. I kibitzed with the bartender. I didn't drink a lot but I left him with good tips and he didn't mind me being there. I had several invitations to dance but turned them down. I was about to leave when a well built guy about my age, 30 or so, approached me.
"Noticed that you have turned a few guys away. Don't dance?" Interesting, he had noticed. Attractive, well built.
"Actually I'm not a bad dancer. You?"
"I'm the modest sort. You'd have to dance with me to find out."
I started to chuckle. "Good line! Let's find out." He was a great dancer and we danced several dances. After a very hot, slow dance, I told him that it was getting late. I'll admit that the dance turned me on.
He held me out from him and gave me a head to toe look. He couldn't miss my enlarged basket. "I bet you are good at some other things as well?"
I liked his refreshing bluntness. "I guess you would have to do some exploring to find out." he laughed a loud, spine tingling, bass laugh. Actually another part of my body was tingling.
I told him that I was in a hotel nearby and he said that he would like to go exploring in a hotel.
We left laughing and joking. In my packing up I had come across some condoms that we had bought as a birthday joke for a friend and I had thrown them in the suitcase along with some lube I had come across. I had jokingly thought to myself, yes in your dreams. I was ready!
As it turned out we were both quite good at some other things. After entering my room, it wasn't long before I was surveying a very attractive, undressed man. Nicely defined chest covered in short black hair, a dark treasure trail which led to low hanging balls and a cock almost as big as Matthew's. For something like this, Matthew was my only recent reference point. Oh screw Matthew, right that was Peter's job. By the time my fingers were finished with his hair and nipples, his eyes were alight with lust and he was making incoherent noises in his throat. He pushed me onto the bed and grabbed the lube. I can hardly explain how inflamed I was when his three fingers in me were moving in and out. My body was alive with sexual energy and desire. I pushed him onto the bed beside me, grabbed the condom. I had put them out on view to let Phil know my thoughts. I put it on him with lots of lube; I was going to need it.
I flopped down on the bed beside him. "Are you as good at this as you are at dancing?"
"Only you can be the judge of that!"
He had grabbed the lube from me and as he put a lot more in me, he put his mouth on the head of my cock and alternately sucked and lightly used his tongue. I was thrashing on the bed.
"Phil, take me. Now! Please." He did. He was good. Very gentle as he popped in, just staying still with just almost imperceptible movement. Wow, I felt full and stretched and engaged. I put my hands on his lovely firm ass and slowly pulled into me. He was a good top. He was in hard and deep and then just took short strokes over my prostate. It was my turn to make incoherent noises. I used a few of my own tricks, clamping him tight with my internal muscles. I heard a couple of gasps and 'shit, Paul'. I told him that I was close and he sped up as I began to stroke myself. Just as I was about to explode I contracted my muscles which started me and then him. I came in a huge explosion reaching my throat and chest. I could feel his rhythm change as I contracted around him in a long, strong orgasm. He hovered over me, eyes closed, mouth partially open and his stiff as a board until he started to stroke the end of his climax. When our breathing returned to normal we looked at each other with silly smiles on our faces.
"Paul, even better than your dancing."
"Phil, incredible."
We fell asleep and the next thing I knew, it was morning. I was on my back with a very hard cock. My movements must have wakened Phil. He looked at me. He was in the same state as me.
"Phil, I do have to get up and go to work and I am sure that you do as well." He looked at his straining cock and then mine with a little look of disappointment. I couldn't let it go at that. "I have time for a quickie. I'd like to reverse roles?" It was a question and not deal breaker.
"Paul, not my usual role but after last night, I know that I can trust you to do it right and well. A quickie it is."
I gave him the condom and he put it on me swiftly but erotically. I efficiently opened him up and then took enough time going in. Then it was quick and dirty. Both of us climaxed quickly and I filled the condom almost as much as he had last night.
"Phil go ahead and shower first."
"Might be quicker to shower together?"
"With our performance to date, I am not so sure. Pretty certain that it would take longer." I gave him a big grin.
As we were leaving, he looked at me. "Too bad you are just in the city for a short time. It could be fun. A boyfriend somewhere?"
"A partner who is in not in my best books at this moment. Quite possibly my ex partner. To be honest, if he were not so deeply in my bad books, I wouldn't have been at the club."
"Paul, I can honestly say that this has been fun as well as sexually exciting. If he is putting you down, don't let him. I haven't enjoyed anything like this so much in a long time. You were a breath of fresh air."
"Wow. Thanks Phil. I'll take that as a much needed compliment at this point. I am not just saying this but you took me by surprise. You were fun and amazing. I feel refreshed." He gave me his card and a quick kiss. Interesting, he was leaving any contact up to me as he assumed that I was from out of the city on a business trip.
I thought to myself that I had spoken the truth. I would never have been in the club and gone with Phil if Peter had not been acting and thinking with his prick the other night. The thought crossed my mind that maybe Peter was as correct in his view of what had happened as I was. He wanted one thing; I wanted something different. I just wanted a different relationship; maybe he didn't really want the kind of relationship that I did. Hm, interesting insight.
I went to work and immersed myself in the routine and the problems that needed solving. It suddenly dawned on me that I wanted to talk to someone I could trust. I gave Rob, one of my closest friends, a call and we arranged to meet for supper. I emailed Peter asking if Sunday was OK for him and asked him to give me a time to come over. He emailed me back quickly saying that 11 on Sunday morning would be good. Perhaps, we could go out for lunch, he suggested. I replied that 11 it was, nothing else.
"Paul you look much better than you did on Monday. Things better with Peter?"
"Nope. I'm staying at the Suites for the week." His mouth dropped open in surprise. "I need to talk. You up for it?" He just gave me a look that said how could I ask such a stupid question.
We ate and talked. I gave him the most balanced account that I could which of course would be from my point of view. Rob was a good listener. I could see him concentrating and taking in the salient points. I finished and looked at him.
"Rob, of course, that is my recollection and my point of view."
"First comment. Paul, of course this is your point of view. How you see it, will be how you have to deal with it and live with it. You are correct that you have to figure out how you can live with this. Do you trust Peter now? Do you have the same values and expectations? Will he give in, agree with you and then fall into his old patterns. Patterns are very hard to break because they are based on how we see life and how we act naturally."
"Yes, the other day I wondered if we just have different expectations out our relationship and how to treat people." Rob just shrugged his head. I guess we were saying much the same thing. We talked a little longer and he asked a lot of questions about our relationship over the last year. I began to realize that a lot of it was based on sex and on going out with other people. Convenient companionship? We had never introduced each other to our families. I wasn't sure what our bond was. Unfortunately, I kept on seeing his dark look in the kitchen as he left it when I had told him that I was not on board and it was his decision to stop. Rob gave me a lot to think about. He had also invited me to use the bed in his study next week if I were searching for a place to stay. He said that he would talk to Tony but he was sure it would be OK. I told him that if I did, I would not outstay my welcome. There were lots of places for rent right now.
The week passed quickly. A couple of times when I was thinking and planning for Sunday I wondered yet again about how Andrew was doing. I know that I still had a lot to think about and plan for. I might very well be looking for accommodation. I had a signed lease on my condo that wasn't up until August 31. He was a friend of friend and I would like to give him a lot of time to find something else. He had been very fair to me. Perhaps next week I would phone Andrew at work and see how things were going. Perhaps we could go out just for lunch to touch base.
I went out on Friday night with the guys and let myself get picked up. It was OK but nothing too great. I did get some relief. Saturday, I just loafed around and formalized a plan. I realized that Peter's suggestion of meeting at 11 and going for lunch indicated that he figured that he knew how my decision would go, back to our normal routine. Again the whole scene at Matthew's played in my mind. I realized by the end of the day that Peter was going to be very surprised and upset by my decision.
I steeled myself as I entered the building and rode the elevator. I didn't bring a suitcase and so I was arriving empty handed. I assumed that would send a message. I had a key but I knocked on the door. Another message. He opened the door. I saw the little look of surprise. I also saw him look for the things that I would be bringing back with me.
"Hey, Paul." He was guarded.
"Peter."
I walked in. I knew instantly that my decision was right. I didn't consider this home anymore. It is amazing the thoughts that course through our brain at times like this. There were some good memories but then I remembered the breakfast conversation last Saturday, the promise and the excited phone call to Matthew. The scene in the bedroom replayed in my mind and then I heard the words again. Strangely, my day with Andrew was there as well. I knew that I was idealizing that day but it was closer to what I wanted.
"Paul, would you like some coffee?"
"Yes that would be great." No need to tell him how I take it, a little cream or milk. Oh shit this was even more difficult and awkward than I had imagined. Nothing like reality to bring you up short.
He brought my coffee, a little bit of cream. "Good coffee, just brewed."
"You said 11 and you are always on time. Paul, you knocked at the door and didn't bring any luggage with you?"
"This doesn't feel like home."
"Paul, it doesn't have to be like this."
"But it is."
"Don't I get any say in this?"
"Unfortunately this is a decision that I have to make for myself. To be blunt and I don't want to start a discussion of blame here, you made several decisions over the last three weeks that have hurt me and humiliated me in my own eyes. I also made a couple of bad decisions as well but they are mine and now I have to live them as well."
I could see his eyes go a bit steely, probably a defence for his own feelings. "So tell me exactly what YOU are planning." The emphasis was on 'you', a little bit of the old Peter. Right Rob, patterns don't change easily.
"I am moving out as of today. I am going to take only things that belong to me. I feel that anything that we bought and paid for together for the condo stays here in the condo. They are yours."
I could see moisture forming in his eyes. I steeled myself. "Paul we had some good times together."
"We did."
"I know that you and Andrew were together all Sunday and Monday morning."
I had anticipated this. It was classic Peter. Shift the blame or at least put me in a bad position. "We were. That was one of things that changed my outlook. Andrew was as upset as I was. I realized how cheapened and humiliated I felt and so did he. He is a very caring and sensitive guy. We enjoyed the day together. Ironic isn't it? By the way, we haven't contacted each other since then but I may in the future. Peter, I trusted you. I thought that we were partners and would act as partners." He still hadn't said in some fashion that he messed up but still wanted me.
I didn't want to continue this any longer. I stood up. "I have a large suitcase in my car. I want to pick up the rest of my things and I am going to take the two picture that I bought in January." He just looked helplessly at me.
It took me a while as I went through a lot of cupboards, drawers and folders. I had taken several trips to the car. I had to make a trip to the locker for winter things. I was finally ready to leave. "Peter, I am going." He came out to the entrance way, stoney faced. "Here are my keys and the key for your car. Could I get my car keys from you, please? I never made copies but I would like you to change the locks on the condo and I shall pay for it." I held out my hand and he shook it reluctantly.
My only thought as I took the elevator down was another milestone in my life. Oh and relief. I felt empty but I knew that I had done the right thing. I had arranged to meet the gang at a pub that night. I made the announcement, telling them to contact me on my cell, at Rob's for the time being or by email. I didn't give a lot of information. I just told them it was irreconcilable differences. The story would get out and I am sure that Peter would tell a different story but ....
I felt so relieved from all the planning and thinking that a couple of drinks really loosened me up. I was up dancing with guys from the table, most of whom were couples so I started to look around the room for others to dance with. As usual, there was a good selection. I stopped drinking and started planning my last night in the hotel. I danced with a few guys. I was sitting talking to the guys when I saw a fellow with strawberry blonde hair. He was tall, nicely built and good looking in a craggy, masculine way. When everyone got up to dance I went over and asked him to dance. He was with some friends but not attached for the night. He was pretty open about that.
"Blake, you dance really well. I especially liked the slow dance that we just had."
"Yeah, Paul, I noticed."
"Noticed in a good or bad way?"
"Very good."
I decided that I would be direct. "I have some drinks back at my hotel room. Interested in a drink there on the house?"
He looked at me with a little grin. "I think that I would like that very much. I could see if you have other talents. You know like mixing drinks."
"I don't mix drinks but I do have other talents." He grinned. We were certainly on the same track. We decided to skip the drinks when we got back to the room. His body was really interesting with hair the same colour as the hair on his head. His legs in particular had short hair that was fine and difficult to see but oh it felt wonderful to run you hands over it. As I was to find out very quickly so did his balls which tasted that wonderful clean, musky taste after a night of dancing. I wanted to be fucked that night and he seemed only too eager to accommodate me. He said that I had a bubble butt to die for. I told him to knock himself out. He was eager and very talented with his tongue on my cock. I was very hard when he finished with his tongue and fingers doing a superb job of getting me ready for his lovely condom covered cock.
I told him that I was ready and to take me hard and fast. He did and I gasped but did not flinch when he entered and almost immediately plunged quickly all the way in. There were sparks running through my nervous system. I smiled and winked at him when he showed concern about my gasp. I just said that was the way I wanted it tonight. Shortly I was covered in my own cum and he was looking drained as he took off a very full condom. I knew that he had to leave but I convinced him to stay for another round. That took place only 15 minutes later and both of us had a very noisy second orgasm. It was really intense. This time it was me showing him that I could be as good a pitcher as he had been. I watched him get dressed and stood up naked to say goodbye at the door.
"Thanks Blake, it is a long story but I needed that tonight. You were great."
"Thanks Paul. I shall remember you exactly like this for a long time." He scanned my naked body with my cock, still semi hard, glistening with the cum from the condom that I had removed shortly before.
When Blake left I felt let down but I replayed some of the scenes from earlier today with Peter again and realized that I had to start building a new life that I wanted. I wondered why I felt so little emotions about leaving Peter. We had lived together for a year and yet I didn't feel any great, deep sense of loss. It bothered me. I mentally shrugged my shoulders. I felt dislocated, a little lonely and rudderless but not much else. Was there something wrong with me? Was I incapable of deep, intimate feelings?"
Trying to get myself out of these rather depressing thoughts, I thought that perhaps I would phone Andrew the next day to see how things had gone with him. It was the least I could do. So that would be a first step taken. Well second if you count Sunday at 11.
Author's Note
There is another chapter being written. I hope to publish next Thursday or Friday.
Let me know your thoughts on this chapter preecherdave@gmail.com
If you liked this story, you might want to read the others that I have published on Nifty. In particular, Unexpected Change which has had the most positive comments and one of my favourites, Getting My Act Together.
Unexpected Change, Nifty, College, April 16, 2011 Friendship, Nifty, Adult Friends, May 20, 2011 Surprising Last Year at University, Nifty, College, June 9, 2011 Murder Changed My Life, Nifty, Beginnings, July 8, 2011 What is Love?, Nifty, Beginnings, August 31, 2011 Getting My Act Together, Nifty, Adult-Friends, November 10, 2011 Surprised, Nifty, Adult-Friends, January 14, 2012 Surprised Eric and Dave, Beginnings, February 10, 2012 Surprised Graham and Robert, Nifty, Adult-Friends, March 22, 2012 What a Difference a Year Makes, Nifty, Adult-Friends, September 13, 2012 Discoveries, Nifty, Beginnings, November 1, 2012 Introspection, Nifty, April, 2013