Disclaimer: Anything mentioned in this story is complete fiction. The sexuality of anyone in the story is not necessarily true, but just written to entertain. If you are underage or if it is illegal to read pornographic material where you live, please leave now. Also, if you are uncomfortable with gay relationships, you should not read any further. For everyone else, enjoy the show....
Sometimes one is not sure where they really belong in life. Maybe they didn't have enough direction in the begging or maybe something steered them off of their course. It's possible still that the turning point in one's life helped shape who they are going to be, even if it is as simple as their name. Who are we to say that Albert Einstein wouldn't have been a genius if he had been named George; or that Adolf Hitler couldn't have actually been a great leader if only he had felt quite differently about certain groups of people. (I'm aware speaking of Hitler in this letter to you is not very appropriate but I promise I have a point.)
The thing that makes us know we are worth something, that life isn't just some cruel joke, could be anything. It could be a small smile from an unknown person. It could be finding a job that truly makes you happy; something that you would do even if you made absolutely no money from it. Or, in my case, it was finding love at a very unlikely time in my life.
When you are finally born your life is not going to be like the average child's life. There are so many people waiting and hoping for you to get here safely and quickly. Hopefully these people will still be around when you get here, helping to see you through the bad times as well as the good.
You still may not understand what I am talking about but it will come together at some point. I pray, you have your mother's speaking ability and not mine to ramble.
I guess I should start by saying that I love you. You are wonderful and beautiful and always will be. I'm actually writing you this to try and explain everything that I have done and been through in the best way I know how. I want you to know everything about me, your mother, and where you came from. I want you to be one hundred percent clear on why we had you and know, please always know, that you were so wanted for no other reason then that we wanted to love you.
Life has a funny way of working out sometimes like I said before and now I will share with you the moment that my life changed forever. Some would say for the better, others would disagree. I think it actually marked one of the greatest times in my life...
~~*
The leaves were orange. Leaves in fall are always orange but this was different. This was a mix of brilliance that only God, Himself could ever come up with. A strong wind came up from behind swirling those very leaves around the grass and across the cobble stone walkway like a tornado. For one moment, amidst all of the whirling leaves, I almost felt calm.
Insomnia is a funny thing. Well I'm not even sure if it is a thing. Sometimes it feels like a person tugging on you from all angles. Urging you to pay attention to them when all you really want to do is go to sleep. Lay down, close your eyes, drift off, and dream. But no, it shakes you awake, slaps you across the face and throws cold water on you. You're awake. For how long though? How long can someone not sleep for?
I glanced down at my watch. Seventy eight hours and counting. I sighed looking up at the black clear sky as I walked slowly through the garden. The sky was surprisingly vivid despite the cold weather and late hour, speckled with only a few white stars so far off in the distance it was unimaginable. That wasn't really all that mind blowing for me though. Everything seemed unimaginable; life, work, love, everything.
Just then it hit me, or rather someone hit me. The mix of the cold air I was breathing in and the shock of literally running into someone at 3:47 a.m. in the hotel garden almost knocked the wind out of me.
"Are you okay?"
My eyes focused in on a man a few inches shorter then my six foot three inch height with concern smeared all over his face.
"Yes, fine. Thank you," I said, my crystal blue eyes taking in his appearance.
He must have been absolutely delighted by my accent because he smiled brightly, his entire face lighting up much more then before. I was all to familiar with that kind of thing happening. Ever since I moved to the States nine years ago people had been smiling at me like that when I spoke. For some reason American's were fascinated with anything or anyone foreign sounding.
"I'm really sorry about that. I wasn't watching where I was going," he said. "The sky was just too beautiful I guess I couldn't keep my eyes off of it."
I smiled politely, strangely at ease with the stranger who seemed to ramble on just as I did, too often some would say. "I must admit I was at fault to. I was actually doing the same thing," I finally said to fill the silence.
"I'm sorry where are my manners. I'm Joshua," he said extending his hand.
"Josiah," I said shaking his. "Nice to meet you."
"You too Josiah. I'm guessing you couldn't sleep either?"
"Not at all actually. Sometimes the cold air helps though."
"I'm sorry but are you from England?"
"South Africa actually," I said brushing my long black wavy hair out of my face as the wind blew past us. "And you apologize entirely too much."
He smiled almost blushing it seemed. Something about it was endearing. Something about him was making me think my little trip out to Los Angeles wasn't going to be as bad as I thought it was.
"I've never been to Africa before. How long have you been in the U.S.?"
"About nine years," I said taking a few steps forward to see if he would instinctively join me on my walk. For some reason I longed to share his company.
"What made you leave?" he asked falling into place next to me.
"A lot of different things. School for one."
"Have you been in L.A. long?"
"This is my first day, well night I guess. What about you?" I asked looking over to him. He caught my gaze, the moonlight sparkling off of his blue green eyes. I instantly got the urge to paint him, to try and recreate the beauty I saw in reality on a canvas.
"I've been going back and forth across the country for a while now."
"A drifter eh?"
He laughed, "Yes, and a singer."
"Really?"
"Yeah, have you ever heard of Nsync?"
"No."
"I'm guessing you don't follow popular culture. What kind of music do you listen to?"
"Mostly older things."
"Like what?"
"Sinatra, Dean Martin, Bing Crosby."
"Nothing wrong with that."
"Are you here for a performance with your group?"
"Performance yes, but this one is by myself. That's part of the reason I can't sleep."
"Why's that?" I asked sitting with him on a nearby stone bench among rose bushes which seemed very out of place in the fall setting.
"It's my first performance by myself. I've been singing with four other guys for so long I almost forgot what it's going to be like on my own. I have to admit I'm a little scared to go out there tomorrow night."
"This isn't what you want to do then?"
"Of course it is. Don't get me wrong, I love the guys we're all still really good friends and everything but this just feels right. I'm sure it's just nerves. It does feel better to talk about it though."
"Glad I could help," I said smiling. It was kind of getting hard to stop.
"So what do you do? Psychiatrist?" he asked laughing.
"Not quite. I'm a painter."
"Now that's a lot better then a head-shrinker."
"I think so."
"Do you specialize in anything?"
"Not specifically. I paint whatever moves me; a sunset, a cloud formation, a man who intrigues me," I said smiling somewhat seductively at him. I was almost shocked with myself for doing so. I had never been one to outright flirt with a man who had given no indication whatsoever that they were not only interested in me but also men in general.
"So are you visiting someone here?" he asked apparently unfazed.
Since he didn't go running off into the brush right away I assumed he was either not very intuitive or at least slightly into me.
"I'm here for an art exhibit."
"Are they showing any of your paintings?"
"Yes they are all mine actually. I guess I'm trying to expand my fan base to the west coast, no matter how painful it may be."
"You must be visiting from New York."
"And how did you guess that?"
"You may be from South Africa but you are definitely a New Yorker at heart."
"Surprisingly enough, I've actually been told that before," I said yawning.
I watched him as he let out a laugh of his own thinking about not only how intoxicating it was to on my ears but also how beautiful.
"Maybe you should try to get some sleep," he said standing. "I'm sure you don't want to look tired for your big California coming out party." He winked at me, his green eyes sparkling in the glowing moonlight.
"I guess I am getting a little sleepy," I said following his lead as I tried not to blush. It was weird, not only how tired I was suddenly but also the fact that I didn't want our little meeting to end. I racked my brain trying to come up with some excuse to see him again but could come up with none.
"I'll probably see you around," he said flashing his perfectly brilliant white smile at me once again. "It's a small hotel."
I nodded, "One can only hope. Good night," I said walking away quickly. I was acting so erratic suddenly that I was afraid I might grab him by the shoulders and kiss him passionately. Light flirting was one thing but a kiss like that after all I had been through was quite another.
To be continued...
** Any comments or criticisms you have are extremely appreciated and much needed. You can email me at Shannon S bluewritergrl@yahoo.com. **