This story is a work of fiction. Any resemblances to any person, place, or written works are purely coincidental. It may contain consensual sex between young men. Do not read if you find that objectionable or if it is illegal for you to view this content for whatever the reason.
Copyright 2009 Jade. All Rights Reserved. Do not post, copy, or use this story in any manner without my permission.
Comments / criticism / feedback? Always love to hear from you at : phantomscorpio77@gmail.com.
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In This Cruel World
It's the new millennium! I wish I did something cooler than a dumb house party. Like shit, maybe something with my family. Brennan was fishing around to see what I had planned but Ian's party with the popular kids at school seemed like the winning ticket to me at the time. What was I thinking?
The first day back to school I have swim team tryouts. I lick my lips at Adam when he drops his speedo in the shower afterwards. His reaction speaks volumes. He kind of blushes and turns away. Adam changes quickly and no matter how fast I am he's out of the change room and gone before I can put my ankle socks and Nikes on.
When I get home, rather than call him or go up to his place I check if he's on MSN. He's not, so I send him an email. I mean, it's a whole lot easier than having to face him.
Adam,
If you and that Ryan guy hooked up, no sweat. I wish you happiness. I know you've been after him forever. If that's not it and you want to break up with me anyway just say so. If I'm totally wrong let me know. But I think I'm right. So if I'm right it was fun, and I promise you will always be special to me."
Duncan
Maybe five minutes later he calls. It is that Ryan kid after all. Adam thinks I'm alright with things and wants to tell me all about it, and he thinks I'm happy for him?
Sha-right! Wheel of Fortune anyone? I'd like to buy a vowel; U please Vanna. There are two? Awsome! Pat, I'd like to solve the puzzle; FUCK YOU ADAM!
How stupid is he? The first boy I ever played `hide your penis in my rectum' with may be able to just move on but I need a minute here! I use dinner and work as an excuse to get off the phone.
We don't have hockey again until the next weekend, once school has resumed. After his dad drops us off for practice I ask Benji, "Uh, did you take the wrong bag last time?"
"Nope," he answers with a devilish grin.
Knowing the answer I still say, "Well I ended up with yours. Didn't you dump out your bag?"
He thinks he has the upper hand, "Yeah I did. I thought maybe you'd like my stuff. Did you?"
Unfortunately it was my mom that pointed this out to me after she washed everything. Still, I play his game, "Nah, never once got a chance with everyone home."
"I slept is your shorts every night. They are little ripe now, but fuckin hot," Benji gropes me and whispers in my ear. I love the look of realization that comes over him when he clues in to what he just grabbed.
I just play along, "Nice, I on the other hand only wore your skates for work out of necessity and washed everything for you. Other than wearing your nut shell now."
"Correction, your mom did the laundry," is about all he can come up with.
I have him aced! I knock my knuckles against my crotch to point the fact out to him, "Same diff. But we're switching bags, Ima wear my stuff. If you want to protect your boys you figure how you're getting my jock into your hockey bag. Presently I'm wearing yours so it ain't there sucka!"
I set Benji's bag down in front of him and sit down in front of my bag. He's so cute as I watch him squirm. I should let everyone see him go into my bag for my jock, but that's mean. I'm going to have a hard enough time praying that the guys don't notice I came to practice already wearing one myself, especially his! I take mine out of my bag for him and casually set it down between us. He's right, he has funked it up, I can smell it without bringing it to my face. Damn that's hot. If everyone can just get lost for a good fifteen minutes I have something I'd like to stick in my mouth and pleasure! Well, more precisely Benji has it dangling between his legs actually; but it ain't gonna happen so no use in me getting boned up over it.
All practice long I watch Benji's ass and make little indications to his crotch when we lock eyes. Coach Anders catches this during one of our drills and calls us all in. He gives a vague lecture about maturity and leaving the outside world off the ice and says we are all too lax after losing the Christmas tournament. I know his comments are directed at me; I guess Coach Clark said something after all.
Not satisfied, Coach Clark later calls me over to the bench for a one on one, "You two cool it. Don't let the other guys catch on Duncan. In a locker room there's hell to pay. When it affects the rest of us, it's suddenly not nearly as fashionable or socially acceptable. Now go work on some wrist shots, keep those wrists of yours strong."
Keep my wrists strong? Fucking biggit.
After the practice I want to tell Benji what Coach Clark said. And I know we both are horny too from wearing each other's gear. I really want to suck Benji off. Ryan and Zach put things on ice however by inviting themselves over to do some songs. After a couple calls, when Jase and Sasha show up we have 4 guitar players. We work over some songs together, but I can read that Jase has had it. He excuses himself to leave, says goodbye and good luck to us. Minutes later Sasha follows suit with me on his heels as I have a double date with Yvonne, Richard, and Etienne. I purposely leave my hockey equipment at Benji's house.
After the movie and dinner with my parents I head back over to Benji's. Brennan is back at his frat house so I don't feel guilty that I'm going to spend the night at Benji's. Over the night in his bed we mess around before and after sleep. Before sleep I get Benji to let me finger him as he masturbates. I know he badly wants to object, but he bites his tongue and I take full advantage of it. In the morning I shoot in the valley of his butt and lick it out. I take the opportunity to rim him until I know he's about to stop me. Maybe his guilt in messing with me and my feelings will give me a chance to make love to him one day! I know that's manipulative of me, but just once to physically express my desire to him? Maybe he'll even like it?
The following Monday I go to swim practice. It seems odd not having Benji by my side for the first time in sports. At least Kimi is with me still, having made the cuts as well, so I gravitate to him rather than Adam. After practice I head over to their place with Kimi to pick up my hockey equipment.
He's a straight shooter, "You and Adam done?"
I stammer, "Pardon me?"
"Yeah, pardon you, and the thin walls at home. I'm not a kid you know. We're both born in '84. If I were a couple month older and born before September I'd be in the same grade as you too. But I don't get it. I thought things pretty much stopped when Ben started dating Katy and you started seeing Adam. And then last night the two of you fucked like bunnies all night long again. When you went to bed, when you got up. Two, maybe three times in between. Squeek, bang. Squeek, bang. I want to pull his bed away from the walls already!"
"Whatever Kimi," I try to put him off.
He cuts me off, "Whatever yourself Duncan. I know about you two. You're the only one in the world that he lets get away with calling him Benji. Never once corrects you. And hell, the whole school knows about you and Adam. Except you avoided him at try-outs last week. So what are Katy and Yvonne, decoys or in on it too?"
"Yvonne knows everything; I'm the gay one. Adam dumped me. Benji lets me mess with him a bit. You should be talking to him," I say, having said too much already.
"He don't talk to me about shit lately, 'specially 'bout fagging out with you. Thanks for your honesty," Kimi says.
Well, the cat's out of the bag now, so I explain, "He's straight and really loves Katy. It's me Kimi; I've only ever wanted him. He lets me touch him out of guilt or something. I don't quite get it really. But if you want honesty, it's all one sided. We've never had sex and his butt is completely off limits. Such a hot ass to waste!"
Kimi hip checks me. I think my friend that lives off his shock value is embarrassed I just told him I covet his brothers bum. He recovers quickly enough, "Sure, sure. So what happened with Adam?"
"He's seeing this guy from Whistler now. I think. At least I'm pretty sure that's how it is. He stayed with the guy practically the whole break and never called me once, not even on Christmas day."
"Sorry to hear that. So why Ben? I mean I love him too but he's like devoid of something." Kimi stats.
"I don't know. He's just so loving to me. He'd do almost anything for me," I point out.
"You say he loves Katy? He's loving to you? Must be nice. I don't think he's capable of love. It's like he doesn't know who he is or what he wants, or what to do. Don't you think he tries to be the person he thinks other people want him to be? Like he's different with you than me, and different to Ian, and different to Katy and so on?"
"He's not that bad," I defend.
"Dude, our mom thinks he's like a robot. Kone, she calls him to me," he says. (Kone in Finnish means machine or robot.)
"Well Kimi, I love you like a friend and a brother. I love Benji like Romeo and Juilet. Benji loves me like a friend. I can't describe it any better than that. He makes me feel more special than anyone else in the world. Please don't tell him I told you. We have to tell him together. And if you want to blackmail me or something just let me know."
"I'll pretend you didn't just say that last bit, asshole. I could have done that anytime."
When we get to Benji's he's waiting on us with a smile. After dinner at their place Mr. Hart drives me to my job at the arena, I have to work 7:30 until 10:30. Benji comes along to drop me off. Getting my hockey bag from the back of the jeep Benji says, "Dunc, there's a surprise in there for you. Just don't number it and we can swap. And don't look until you get home. Message me when you do."
So I do as asked. I'm curious but I have a good idea anyways. After my dad gets me home I'm exhausted. It's been a long day. I find a bag in my hockey bag, and a note taped to it saying `call me first'.
I call Benji, he answers, "Hey."
"Hey, calling you first like you want," I say.
"Cool, don't touch the bag yet. Are you online yet? I don't see you. Get online and private message me. Talk to you there," He says and ends the phone call.
I boot up my computer and log on to MSN. Benji is faster than me and already online. I private message him, "Hey, I'm ready for my big surprise."
He responds almost right away, "Open up another internet explorer, type in this URL; www.allkink.com/memories/mem085.html. That's zero-eighty-five. Read it."
I ask, "A Hockey Affair: Part 1, is that right?"
He replies, "Yeah, read it and tell me what you think!"
"O.K. Where's Part 2," I ask.
"Type in www.allkink.com/memories/mem083.html. I know they look out of order but just go with it."
Why the heck is Benji reading this stuff? He had to actively be looking for it on the internet, "Hm. That's hot. I wonder if Chris really shot pre-cum or if it was just his boner straining?"
"There's another one by the same guy, it's at www.allkink.com/memories/mem185.html. Somewhere I read another one too, about two hockey guys that swapped jocks every game. So open your present."
"Ah, that's why you don't want numbers on them. This way I can take your sweaty one home and you can take mine. Then I wear yours next time and you take it home."
"Yeah! I take your bag home, you take mine. We just share the equipment. And if you can keep your mom from washing the jock each time, we can work out in each other's sweaty cups and add our own to them. After a few games they will smell great! A mix of your crotch and mine! If you're game, I want to inhale it when I jack off at night. You can do the same!"
"I'm game. You know I'll take any souvenir of you I can get!"
"Cool. I'm sleeping in your old one again right now. I'm going to shoot a great load thinking of you!"
"I'll do the same, but it smells mostly like Tide and only a little like me."
"By morning, it will smell more like you. Bring it to school tomorrow and I'll give yours back. It is heaven!"
All the next day I get so damn hard thinking about swapping hockey gear with Benji. In the change room that night for our house league team I have to force my dick to bend into the cup. Our equipment being the same, we smile at each other knowing we are the only ones in on our secret.
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After Valentine's Day I manage to convince Jase to come to band practice again. Big mistake. He lets Ryan and Zach know what he thinks of them, and Sasha chimes in and then somehow I put my two cents worth in too. Ryan grabs his crotch at me and says, "Why don't you suck on this faggot while the men fight this one out."
I wasn't ready for that. To date everyone has more or less been supportive and accepting of me. Despite Benji's insistence I refuse to play hockey with those two again, which means I quit that team. I quit our house league team and the rep team for that arena too, to be consistent because my parents shelled out some good money for the hub team and I can't tell them why I quit.
This piques my parent's interest, they know I live for hockey. I end up faking an injury which just backfires on me when my mom picks me up from school at lunch time and takes me to our doctor to check out my supposed bruised ribs. It baffles her that I'm fine swimming, and playing water polo (which started up in February), and can skate fine at work and play shiny with Benji on free ice, but I can't play hockey for my teams.
Sitting in my plaid boxers in the doctor's office I talk my mom into giving me a little privacy and heading back out to the waiting room.
As soon as she comes in I ask my doctor, "Before you put the gloves on, if I tell you something minor, like not health related but highly confidential, will you tell my parents?"
She leans against a counter, "Depends on what it is, if it affects your health I have to."
I try to charm her with an accent, "Who decides if it affects my health? I say it doesn't. Do you have to honour that?"
She just frowns at me, "Playing hooky and about to get caught in a fib?"
She's no fun! That was a great Irish accent that I've been developing out of my Scottish one. I drop the accent, "Yeah. A couple guys on my hockey team found out I'm gay and I really don't want to have to face them again anytime soon. So the only thing remotely close to my ribs hurting would be my heart because they're assholes."
"You prefer males?"
"Um, no I wouldn't say prefer. I don't like girls at all, no offence. Boys are totally where it's at for me. I'm really o.k. with it now too. But my parents don't know yet and I was giving myself until the summer to tell them. I'm not afraid to tell them really, I know that part will be cool. And you know Brennan; he'll probably throw a party for me. But once it's out, it can never go back, and I sorta just want a little more time with it being my secret."
"Do you need any advice, or"
"Nope. Put the condom on right, use them every time, only water based lube and lots of it, don't force it, stop if it hurts, make sure I love him first this time. I got most of the bases covered, right?"
"Do you want me to get you into a support group?"
"No. It may sound stupid to you but now that I'm at peace with it, if it were a choice, I'd choose to be this way. Harder life and all that stuff, but when I find the right guy, I get to spend the rest of my life with him. That rocks!"
"That's good. But if you ever change your mind you stop in. You're just an elevator ride away so you have no excuses. Now, while you're here and you mentioned next time, off with the shorts. Let's have a look."
"Seriously," I ask in my Scottish, sounding like Sean Connery. Her face makes it clear she's serious.
As I slip my boxers off she puts on gloves, "You haven't had a physical in years. I'm not concerned with your development, everything looks fine. But would you know a STD if you had one?"
"Probably. The internet has info on just about everything," I say.
While looking me over she asks, "What do we tell your mother? She's worried and I can't technically lie to her."
"Um, this sounded a lot better to me when I thought it up. Growing pains? I mean it sorta is, just more metaphorically than physically."
"Growing pains it is, but Duncan?"
"Yes?"
"This is your only free pass. You've used it up. So next time you need to save your ass, in a non-medical sense, don't drag me into it."
"Gotcha."
"Good, now get dressed," She winks at me, "And from a doctor's recommendation, abstinence is the healthiest option. Until you are in a committed relationship my suggestion is to avoid anal intercourse. You don't want to hear this, but you are only a child. There are lots of ways two boys can be close until then."
"Um, sure, thanks Dr. Kevitt," I say, embarrassed to be talking about it with her.
She's not so easily dismissed as I slip back into my boxers, "No, no. You took up my time, now I'm going to take up yours. I also want to get a blood sample, run it for you, just to be sure. Was it someone your age you had sex with? How many times, and what role do you take in intercourse?"
As I step into my jeans I answer, "Yeah, he's my age. It was both our first time back on Halloween. We both, um took both roles and had a few repeats in November and the beginning of December. Nothing since and we broke up over Christmas."
She puts a hand on my shoulder as I button up my shirt, "Well everything looks normal. Be safe with your body. I'm not discouraging being with another man when you are ready. But only certain things go in safely. If you explore your body, start off small and keep it small, soft, and flexible. Nothing hard, nothing sharp. Lots of lubrication. Always. You could die of embarrassment right now. Metaphorically, not physically. And the same thing goes when you seek medical help if you abuse yourself. But you can harm your body permanently and even bring on related complications that end in death."
She continues, "And the other reason to start off small is because size gets exaggerated. Use yourself as a guide. You'll definitely come across some larger and some smaller. Don't get hung up on an unreal ideal. It only causes injury, and well, disappointment when he drops his pants and he doesn't measure up to fantasy. As for heartache, you let me know if things ever get too much."
"I'm not depressed! Life is heartache. Good and bad heartache. Living is the only cure for that," I say as I am dismissed.
My mom buys the growing pains line of crap. I play it up in the car on the way back to school.
When I slip into my class a few minutes late Peter throws a paper ball at me. I open it up and read it without the teacher seeing. The note is three letters: uok. To a teacher that intercepts it would mean nothing. Of course to me it means my friend is asking about my well being. Thing is, being friends, normally if we know one of us has a doctor's appointment or something we'd ask how the gynecologist was.
After the bell I wave the note in his face, "What's with the wussy note?"
As we head to our lockers he just shrughs it off. I can't take it anymore though. I want to let it all out. Before Christmas I had this anxiety building. It's back. I want to start getting it off my chest, "Yo, Pete! I'm gonna skip practice tonight, wanna come with?"
Three lockers down from mine Peter fakes concern. He's hilarious in his drama, "Dude, skip waterpolo practice? You must be sick! It's not serious is it? Cancer? You don't have cancer do you?"
I can't stop laughing, "What? No?"
He's laughing at his Academy Award performance too, "Then why'd you get your cock amputated?"
"Because you bit down in excitement when I skull fucked you."
He gets all into his performance again, tapping his foot and waving finger at me, "Nuh uh! No I didn't! Remember? We used a microscope and couldn't find it in the first place!"
He's funny, but just not that good at the game so I change gears, "Whatever. Are you going to last class or are we hitting the mall?"
I know he's game to ditch class, "Yeah I'll skip. I'll cut out right now if you want man!"
I swat Peter with my coat, "Then lets do this shit yo!"
After walking around the mall for a bit we cross into the promenade below my condo and soon end up on my couch.
I build up the nerve, "Pete, can I tell you something?"
"Your dime! Yeah, what," he flippantly says.
"You may already suspect, and I don't want to weird you out...I'm gay," I say. There, it's done. I said it.
"So the rumours are true. What do you want me to say," He says, looking at me.
I close my eyes and sigh. From the heart, that's the only place I can go, "That you don't care. It would really be fucking awesome if it doesn't bother you. I don't like, like you or anything."
He catches me off guard, "Is this because I'm Japanese?"
I'm confused, "What?"
He's joking I think, "Not all Asians have small dicks you know."
"No, I don't not like you because of whatever your packing down there. I just, well you don't turn me on. That's all. So are you mad at me now?"
"No, I'm not mad. We kind of thought you know, maybe. But it's hard to tell for sure. You're not like obvious," he says, stretching for something to say.
I have to know, "So you're still going to be my friend?"
He pauses, "Yeah. It changes things I guess though. So if Yvonne's free do you think I have a chance?"
I'm a little hurt, "No, no chance with Yvonne. Sorry. I hafta know, what's it change? I don't look at you when we change for waterpolo. I don't do anything gay in front of you when we have clothes on. Are things that different now?"
He's still having a hard time saying what he wants to say, "No, you're right. It's just a shock. Yeah, we're still buds. I just have to watch my mouth because if I say bite me' or something's gay', it's like putting you down."
We don't talk much more about it, but he doesn't run off on me either. He swears that he'll let me tell everyone and won't talk about it until I do. He hangs around and plays Sonic with me on my Sega Dreamcast until my mom gets home. When he leaves I feel a little worried that he may never speak to me again, but I am pretty confident once he comes to terms with things he'll be alright.
Word goes round fast though, so I book some ice time with the intention of throwing another impromptu skating party. I get my mom to agree to chaperone it this weekend and tell everyone about it. It ends up that the guys, and some of the girls want to play hockey, so we change it to that, but I make sure it's small, and only friends that are coming. This mystifies my parents that I'm going to play after giving up on my teams, but I tell them that I think I can manage a fun game.
While my mom is having a coffee at the concession booth before we play I ask our friends that don't play, but came along to watch, into the dressing room. Almost all of my friends are in the room. Yes, the girls are changing with us because I control the keys to lockers at the arena after all, so to make this work I force us all into one room. I get everyone's attention in the dressing room.
I look around the room, "Oh boy. This is gonna be harder than I thought. Sorry guys, there's something I need to tell you all. You probably already know, or think you know so I'm gonna just say it. Yup, I'm gay. So if you want to leave now, or don't want to be my friend anymore I get it."
The room is silent. You quite honestly could hear a pin drop as everyone just looks at me. Don't everyone speak at once! Is it good or bad that they are making eye contact? I make eye contact with Yvonne. She's smiling warmly at me. Next to her is Katy. Katy elbow's Benji who is sitting right next to me. He's speechless.
I've grown up my whole life with Katy and Benji. Can't one of them say something? Can't Benji be my knight in shining armour just this once?
Finally Cameron whips a glove at me, "Yeah, Peter told me. I'm still here. I told Ian and Shawna, they're both here."
Kimi steps in for Benji, who just can't manage to help me out here, "For a coming-out party this kicks ass. I think everyone here has your back. Now lets hit the ice bitch!"
Yvonne hugs me, "Duncan, think of it this way, if no one's in your face over it than just deal with it. You don't need to be gay or straight at school so don't be! Don't label yourself! Just be Duncan, plain and simple."
Shawna speaks up, "Everyone at school thinks you're gay Duncan. No one gives a damn."
Richard adds, "Yeah, you don't make it a big deal like Evan Marshall. I'd love to kick that kid's ass. Don't you worry; I'm still going to kick your ass on the ice!"
Peter's been trying to inch away from me since Cameron revealed that Peter told him. I grab him and put him in a head lock. He apologizes for telling my secret but says he wanted everyone to be supportive of me.
Everyone is, except Benji. Or so I think at first. One by one he's making it clear to everyone that my family doesn't know, and they better not find out until I feel comfortable telling them myself. He stresses that a lot of our parents know each other so this stays with us.
On the ice, on the bench, it's pretty much normal except for people saying something supportive or asking questions like do I have a boyfriend and such. It's my moment of glory and I feel so relieved in it. In this cruel world I've just learned the value of friendships.
[to be continued]
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Note to the reader: I strive to keep details supporting the story factually correct, from dates and events on those dates down to the real URL's used in this chapter. I have taken a liberty here...MSN Messenger did exist but was not widely used until 2003 when it was completely revamped. Back in 2000 we were using early versions of AOL Instant Messenger, ICQ and IRC / mIRC. I put in MSN to simplify the story with something recognizable and identifiable. So for those that remember ICQ...uh oh! :)