This story is a work of fiction. Any resemblances to any person, place, or written works are purely coincidental. It may contain consensual sex between young men. Do not read if you find that objectionable or if it is illegal for you to view this content for whatever the reason.
Copyright 2009 Jade. All Rights Reserved. Do not post, copy, or use this story in any manner without my permission.
Comments / criticism / feedback? Always love to hear from you at : phantomscorpio77@gmail.com.
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In This Cruel World
As summer will do, life got turned upside down a bit once school ended. Benji and I play baseball and soccer in the city's organized leagues with a bunch of friends and work from 7 in the morning until 3 in the afternoon mowing and trimming grass all over the city with a bunch of college students. Beyond that I manage to dupe everyone and make it to my German lessons every week, and get to the gym at least 3 times a week with my foursome. Additionally we make our share of parties, and I manage to spend some quality video game time with Peter and Cameron. Ah, summer!
Back in late April at the end of the university semester Brennan moved out of the frat pad and into a tiny two bedroom apartment with his friend Jay. Only one roommate this year, and both have their own rooms. Since my summer started I've made a point of visiting him at least weekly. We pretty much have a standing date Monday nights. And through it all Yvonne seems to be by my side most of the time except when I lie to her in order to free up an hour or so to be intimate with Benji. So even with school done for the summer and an incredibly full schedule, nothing really changed for Benji and I leading up to my trip to Scotland.
I won't bore you with all the details, but I stayed for almost a month with Brennan at our Aunt Guiniveve's flat in Glasgow before my parents flew over and we all went to Uncle Ian's out in the country for his daughter's wedding. While staying in Glasgow, we spent a lot of time with our cousin Hazel before her wedding and got to see a tour that only someone who's lived there can give. At times I felt like her pet, the way she doted over me and she and Aunt Guiniveve were totally supportive of my sexuality. Brennan was awesome to me as always.
Seeing all my cousins together again for the wedding was a blast and so was being back at the family homestead just out of North Ayrshire which Uncle Ian maintains. He, dad, and my aunts all started their lives there before their parents moved to Finland. Uncle Ian took the farm back from a cousin and has once again made it the McKerracher homestead.
As much as I love my life I seriously considered staying for the coming year when the offer was extended. Instead I came home with a pitch-perfect Scottish accent and a strong desire to be naughty with Benji as soon as possible. I want nothing more than to hold his familiar body tight and drink in his warmth.
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By the time my plane lands in Vancouver I had been up for more than 36 straight hours. My parents have 12 hours before they have to go back to work, suckers. I however manage to pull off a wonderful 20 hour date with my bed, getting up just before my parents get home from work. Benji's called and left a few messages today while I slept.
After dinner I get around to calling him back. The minute I hear him talk I know things have changed. We make plans to hang out tomorrow.
Benji drops his mom off at work so that we can borrow the car for the day. We dance around it for an hour, heading to English Bay along the city's waterfront. It becomes almost surreal, like an out-of body experience for me. In fact it brings on a deja-vu memory of my first time having sex when I swear I was floating above myself and watching, all the while actively participating.
I'm being marched (or in this case driven by Benji in his parents car) to my own execution and I'm a willing participant. I just want to get it over with. I wish I could leave my body under impulse control and watch this one from the cheap seats. I steel myself against the coming conversation as we find and occupy a free park bench.
Why'd he pick this spot? He knows I really like it here, like it's maybe my favourite spot in the whole city. Knowing him he thinks it will calm me. Knowing him he's too innocently ignorant to the fact that doing this to me here will ruin the magic of this place for me.
The anticipation is killing me, "Aight Benji, spill already."
He sighs. Finally, here it comes, "Dunc, can we talk? I..."
"Chose Katy. I figured somehow Scotland would be the catalyst."
"How'd you know?"
"It's not just your thoughts. I can read your voice and body language just like a picture book too. Hello? You've been the object of my obsession for like, forever. I just know."
"I'm sorry."
"I know. I am too. I wish I could hate her, but I can't even say I'm mad at you. This was always coming someday. Looks like someday finally arrived."
"Are you going to be alright?"
Surprisingly calm, I manage to get out, "Yeah Ben, I will be. No offence, but I'm going to go for a walk right now, aight? I really need to go have a good cry and we both know it. And I know you'd like to comfort me, but that's not going to help us. Just give me a few days, I promise I'll be O.K."
At first I don't know where I'm headed. I just take off from the bay. Benji knows not to try and follow, he allows me to escape. I can't stave off silent tears even before I turn from him. As I get a couple blocks away the tears and sniffles become physical sobs, wracking my whole body. I walk aimlessly, lost inside memories.
Many, many blocks later I realize I am near the university. It looks like auto-pilot me is heading to Brennan's new place. I knock on the door of his off-campus place.
His friend Jay answers the door. After taking in the sight of me he pulls me inside, "Holy hell kid."
"Hey Jay. Brennan home," I ask, making a bee-line for his room.
"Uh yeah, just a sec little man," Jay says, stopping me and heading for Brennan's door. He knocks on the door and calls for Brennan, "Dude! Dude, you better get out here. Your bro's looking all fucked up at the door."
I haven't stopped crying for the better part of an hour. I can't say how good it feels when I walk right into Brennan and wrap my arms tightly around him.
"What's wrong Veli?"
"He finally chose Brennan. He chose and I don't fit his white picket fence fairytale of a wife, 2.5 kids and a dog."
He wraps his strong arms around me and lets me cry my heart out into his shoulder without complaint.
I don't even notice that we're not alone at first as Brennan soothes me until I see the lump in the bed move, "Oh, sorry. Bad timing."
"Duncan, this is Lina. Lina, this is Duncan."
"Hi," she says.
"Hey," I return.
I can see the clothes all over the floor now. For a flash I feel jealous about sharing my brother when I need him right now. But this isn't just a weekend hook-up, seeing how this is a Tuesday for starters. Brennan talked about her a lot while we were in Scotland and called her more than a few times a week.
So what do I do? With a tear streaked face I embarrass myself, that's what! My tongue wags uncontrollably in fact, "Um, it's O.K. Lina, is it? I'm not looking or anything. Whatever you don't want me to see; frankly I'd rather not see either, no offence. Didn't mean to walk in on you guys. I'm his brother by the way, obviously. Or not so obviously. And I'm gay too, so you don't have to worry. But I really need him just this moment so I'll let you two get dressed."
"We were just sleeping together, in the same bed," She offers.
"Right. Look, I don't care if you were playing video games, having a tea party, or just having sex. Right now I sorta need to borrow Brennan. I'll um, just wait in the other room to let you guys dress or whatever."
They both quickly shower and get dressed. Brennan cracks the door to his room a couple minutes later and waves me in. I'm not ADD or hyperactive or anything but I always seem to act that way in his room. I start up again like I did on my birthday, bouncing from here to there like a ping pong ball.
"Candles Bren; they mask the sex and girls like 'em. You like nice scented candles don't you Lina?"
"Benji, Dunc; you love him and he dumped you. Sit down and start talking."
Lina's all sympathetic, "Aww. Benji is your best friend with benefits?"
"Wow. Someone's up to speed. Brennan must really like you, nice to meet you by the way. Yeah, he's my best friend, but he just cut off the benefits. I really thought one day he'd declare for my team and the white picket fence with the kids and a dog would be him and me. I was so sure. Guys don't have sex with their guy friends just to help out," I start crying again, "He has to be gay too doesn't he? Why can't he pick me and love me back?"
"I'm going kill to him," Brennan states.
"No. You're not. It's my fault. I should have given up on him long ago. He always was clear that we were a temporary thing. I knew this day was coming. And lately I felt it. And I had all night to prepare for this, certain that's what he wanted to talk about last night. I love him Bren and you hurting him won't help."
Lina tries to hug me but I pull away. Ew, strange girl; I don't know you yet. Brennan steps up, "Duncan, we were going to go grab breakfast soon. Wash your face up and get ready."
"Do I get a vote?"
"Nope."
"Aight. But it's kinda late for breakfast. It's past noon."
"Brunch then, and it's only just past 10."
"Denny's. I vote for Denny's."
"You don't get a vote, remember?"
Lina's the one with a car, so she drives. She's a med student and I can see why my brother has fallen for her. And there's no doubt in my mind that he has fallen for her. He's never let other girls into his world whereas I swear Lina already knows more about me than any of his past girlfriends knew about him!
After Denny's we head to Stanley Park. I thought we were meandering aimlessly as Brennan tries to mend my heart until he we end up in the rose gardens. I relate my wonderful night here with Adam from last Halloween.
Maybe it's the way Brennan is hands on with me, hugging me, soothing my back as I cry into him, or just being a totally awesome and supportive brother. Maybe it's just her nature too, but Lina who's never met me until today is pretty hands on too.
Lina's actually quite nice and despite my inner anguish I keep thinking to myself `don't screw this up Brennan!' He and I used to joke that he should take me to the park and use taking care of his kid brother as a tool to get girls to fall for him. I know that doesn't even register in his mind when he takes a short walk and returns with a white rose for me.
"Bren, hide your pocket knife. You can get is crap for that here."
He makes up a story as he hands me the rose. "Dad works in this park every day keeping the trees healthy for the city. This isn't for you, I wanted him to see it and make sure it's healthy."
I turn to Lina, "Sorry, hope you like a different flower, white roses are my thing."
"Birds of paradise," she says. Good, not that he'll forget but now I can remind Brennan.
My phone rings. It's been ringing all day. I've pretty much been ignoring it, but when Benji calls yet again I finally answer it, "Hey Ben."
"So I'm Ben now?"
"I guess. It's time for me to let go of the Benji I'm in love with and embrace the Ben I'm friends with."
"Oh. So where are you, you're not at home?"
"Yeah, I know I'm not home."
"Where are you then?"
"Don't worry, I'm fine. I told you I will be."
"You walked off and we were nowhere near home. I shouldn't have let you."
"It's O.K. I'm with Brennan right now."
"Honestly?"
"Yeah, I'll say hey for ya. Brennan, Ben doesn't believe I'm with you, say something."
I hold my phone to Brennan but he ignores it and talks to me instead, "I have nothing to say to him right now."
"See? Seriously, don't worry about me Ben. Just give me a coupla days, please. We'll get through this."
"I love you Dunc."
Yeah, me too, bye."
We lounge for a bit longer before Lina has to get going for her intern shift at the hospital or whatever. I didn't realize but she's four years older than him, and close to getting a full time position where she's working. Way to go Brennan!
When Lina drops us off at his place I give them a few minutes by calling my mom at her work and filling her in. Once Lina leaves Brennan and I waste the rest of the afternoon and evening smashing each other up in Need for Speed on his Nintendo 64 before he makes me my favourite comfort food, KD with hot dogs. This also is apparently his specialty based on the supply of both in the kitchen.
After dinner I go to his room to change his sheets. A minute later he follows, "What are you doing?"
"Where are your clean sheets? Benji keeps calling and I don't want him to surprise visit me at home. The last thing I need right now is him comforting me when he's the reason I hurt. It'll just make me love and want him more. So I'm crashing with you tonight, but I don't want to sleep in your sex sheets. Only, I saw her stuff in the closet. Is she staying the night too? Does she stay every night? Maybe I should head home?"
"I'll call her and tell her you're staying the night."
"Wha-what? So she has moved in? You didn't say you were that serious when we were in Scotland."
"She stays more nights than not. Sometimes you just know Dunc. I think she's the one."
"Way to go bro," I hug him. As for knowing, I really thought I knew too. But I didn't know diddly squat.
"You're amazing kiddo."
"Huh?"
"You get dumped this morning and by tonight you're already smiling again and happy. I know the real reason you don't want to head home is to avoid brooding while you stare out the window. Instead you turned to me. Here, let's change these sheets. You can stay the night. You can stay as many nights as you need."
I feel lame but I say it, "I love you Brennan."
"And I love you too Duncan."
I'm up before Brennan the next morning so I go onto his computer. After snooping his internet history I see he's at least learned to clear it daily. I was going to clear it for him so that Lina doesn't discover he's a porn addict, but I guess I don't have to. So instead I go to one of my sites, but just looking is boring.
Checking my email I have a long winded one from Jon in Houston that I've put off responding to. He's in New Orleans this week with his straight friend Tim, who he sent the email to as well. I don't get it, he reveals so much of himself in the email, asking my advice on how to deal with Tim, and yet he sent the email to him too. Maybe it's his way of coming clean to Tim and outing himself to him. I decide to respond because hey, at least helping him cope with his shit will keep my mind off mine.
Taking a pause to word something right I spot a drawing on Brennan's desk that captivates me. It's more or less a tribal sun doodled on tissue paper, but the detail is amazing. It's sitting on top of a Sports Illustrated magazine with a baseball player standing in the sunset. The colour comes through. From the horizon in the picture up, it goes from a yellowy-white light to orange to a reddish-purple. From the horizon down, the field goes from bright green to bluish to near black. Inspiration hits me, I want to get that as a tattoo and have the colour filled in so that if you really look you'll see that the sun's rays are actually following the pattern of the rainbow flag.
When Brennan wakes he supports the idea, "Change the hair and you look just like my driver's license. It expires soon, but it's yours if you want. I'll go get a new one."
"What? Why?"
"Cause you need fake ID if you're going to get that tattoo."
"Really? You're going to get me a tattoo?"
"Mom and Dad will absolutely kill me, but if you really want it, yeah."
"Awesome! Let's do this shit, yo!"
We head to a tattoo place just off of Davie St. While booking an appointment for tomorrow Brennan asks the artist if she can turn the centre of the sun into a white rose. When the girl smiles and nods her head I hug Brennan and pull out my Scottish, "Bren, yer braw!"
To his questioning look I explain, "Clearly you didn't pick up on any of the expressions the whole month we were in Scotland; I said you're awesome! I think it's actually you're excellent, but same diff."
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By the time school starts up my mom has accepted my tattoo. Separating my friend Ben from my lover Benji is easier than I expected. I limit my time with him to activities like sports, working out and our band. IF we hang out I make sure it's not just us. My feelings for him will be there until the day I die, but we've been around this loop a couple times and it's become old hat for me. Just friends, no sex. Done. As long as he doesn't change his mind on me yet again.
Last year my friends talked a lot about me running for student council this year. Under their pressure I relent. My efforts are half hearted at best and I'm pleased with the result; no student government for me. What I really wanted, and got, is to read announcements over the P.A. system every morning. Geeky? Yeah, but Principal Nguen loved my voices and accents at my audition. He loves the idea of me doing different segments in different voices. I figured it would get my butt kicked, but what the heck.
Three weeks into school I'm getting pissed off at a kid that keeps pointing out the fact that I'm gay to me in the halls. One morning it has me rattled when I check into the office for the morning announcements. Afterwards I ask if I can talk to the school about it. I get permission to put something together for review. A week later with some revision from my English teacher and the guidance office I get the school board's go ahead.
At the end of announcements on a Monday morning Principal Nguen addresses the school, "This year you've come to know Duncan as the voice, or make that many voices, of Kitsilano High School every morning. But there's a voice you don't hear, and he'd like to share that with you all this morning. Duncan."
"We walk the halls every day. Some of us love these halls, some of us dread these halls. Me? I do a lot of both.
In the morning when I wake it's a new day, just like anyone else. I stress over a test, look forward to the last bell of the day, and maybe some good times along the way. But then we get here, and our days are dictated by those around us. A friendly smile, a teacher trying to teach, a disapproving look, an unwelcome comment.
To the boy who tells me every day that I'm gay, yes I am. I wish I knew your name, or anything about you, but the truth is you are just a floating face that reminds me daily that I'm not like everyone else. It could be my skin, it could be my body shape, it could be what I wear or who my friends are or that I don't have any. It could be anything about me. But you don't know me, so you wouldn't know my situation.
Everyone has their differences, and that's what makes us all the same. But you chose to remind me every chance you get that my sexuality may not fit your view of normal.
Tolerance is a scary word. It's a very hard concept that we can accept other people for their differences, for who they are, for what they think, say or do. For their colour, for their sexuality.
Look around your classroom right now, wherever you are. This is Canada, melting pot for the rest of the world. How many different cultures and nationalities do you visibly see? Does the colour of their skin or where they are from affect your life in any way? Does their sexuality affect your life in any way?
Again to the boy in the hall, I'm sorry but I don't even know your name. So I don't know how I can have any effect on your day to day life.
This isn't just about me. This isn't about choice. We play the hands we're dealt, no matter what colour our hands may be. Every day no matter who we are we look for those little things that make life worth it. I'm not here to be a spokesperson for the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgendered, or for any minority, visible or otherwise. That's so not who I am, and being gay is such a small part of who I am. I'm just a kid, like you. A kid who wants to live my life, celebrate my small victories and be free from harassment.
So once more to the boy in the hall; don't tell me I'm gay. I already know that, thanks. Dude, live and let live! Kitsilano, live and let live!
Tolerate those around you that are different. Really; they have no impact on your life. Except teachers, but we can learn to tolerate them too. Heck, rumour has it they care enough to try and enrich our minds.
Celebrate what makes us all the same. Celebrate our humanity and our gift of compassion and tolerate those around you that are just trying to live an honest life.
In the halls of this school, in the halls of your lives, live and let live.
Peace-yo Kitsilano! Duncan Jussi McKerracher out!"
My nerves are so shot when I finish that I forget to flip the switch for the transmitter as I turn to Principal Nguen, "Oh my gawd. I don't know how the fuck I'm ever going to walk these halls again and look anyone in the eyes."
"Mr. McKerracher," Principal Nguen sternly says.
I protest, "Daa woops, I didn't mean to swear. Detention?"
I get reached past so that the public address can be ended.
Walking to my class I get stopped by the doorways to the first two classrooms in the hall. Mrs. Argent who was my grade 9 math teacher hugs me in the hallway. A few people start clapping inside her room. By the time I reach the end of the hall and round the corner the entire hallway is applauding me as I pass their classrooms. Inside my calculus classroom Etienne gives me a hug and Adam gives me a high-five.
Benji publicly hugs me in the cafeteria at lunch time and tells me he's proud of me. I can't be near him because I badly want to kiss him, so instead of eating with my friends first I take my slice of pizza to go and meet up in the quad with Jase earlier than usual. Today we're playing Patience by Gun 'N Roses.
The boy in the hall? He stops as his friends pass me in the hall and walks up to Jase and I. He doesn't call me gay but I still get nervous, "Juicy! I'm Mike. Uh, you're the guy that does all the voices. I seriously thought you were different kids. I mean you do like British, Irish, Scottish, Australian, Spanish, French, Asian, European. Dude, ya gotta do me too. Do a Native Canadian one! And your Southpark ones are perfect! Your Cartman? I laugh my ass off!"
[to be continued]