This story is a work of fiction. Any resemblances to any person, place, or written works are purely coincidental. It may contain consensual sex between young men. Do not read if you find that objectionable or if it is illegal for you to view this content for whatever the reason.
Copyright 2009 Jade. All Rights Reserved. Do not post, copy, or use this story in any manner without my permission.
Comments / criticism / feedback? Always love to hear from you at : phantomscorpio77@gmail.com.
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In This Cruel World
Benji narrates
After doing what I did to Duncan I got what I deserved. Let me tell you, getting pneumonia is far worse than I ever thought. I can see how it kills people. Deep down I know why I got it though; Karma.
I really do love Duncan, as we're getting older he is consuming more of my thoughts. On one hand I don't want to commit to him in any real way, because my choice will always be to deny the thoughts and marry a girl and have kids. I want a family, and girls do rock my cock. But Duncan rocks it just a bit more. So I gave him everything he could ask for in that arena change room, and it was everything I wanted too. I finally told him I loved him, and we expressed it in the physical sense.
We were both content for a brief moment in time. Only, the way he looked at me, I felt trapped. Establishing that physical bond was both a blessing and a terrible mistake. Looking in his eyes; that smile. It wasn't the same anymore. It had changed. His love grew by leaps and bounds because of what we did, and that scared the wits out of me. I couldn't stand to look at him anymore, knowing I'm going to cause him disappointment and hurt someday, while all he sees is a happy future.
So I ran. I ran away from him and took him from the greatest high in his life to the worst low. Karma's a bitch, but for what I did to my best friend, I deserved what I got and then some.
Life hurts Duncan because he only knows how to love. I think he's really naive at times that he just can't wrap his head around the concept that not all of us are as honest with our love. His love scares me. No, it petrifies me. I just don't know how to give it back to him without hurting him.
I had almost a week to stew over this, and wish I could take the moment back. Pneumonia? Yeah, for messing with his heart and mind I deserved that, no doubt. As sick as I physically was, knowing what I did to him was so much worse.
In that week something changed within him, and it was my fault. When his parents came over and our families had our little soiree, there was barbed wire around his heart. He looked me right in the eyes and told me to tell the truth. It's the last thing on earth I wanted to do, but the only way I could possibly right one hundredth of the wrong I'd done him. I told our families that above and beyond our friendship I love him as a lover.
When the story was told, in every set of eyes I saw disappointment. It wasn't disappointment about me maybe being bisexual, or even that we made love. Maybe there was some disappointment there in my parents eyes over that, maybe not. The disappointment that was clear to me was in how I had treated Duncan.
His eyes were different though. Through the anger, the pain and anguish, there was something else there. There was an upward curl at the corners of his lips that made me realize what that unknown quality was. In his eyes there was mercy and forgiveness.
Despite his brother's harsh words, over the next week Duncan held me and doted over me and gave me more than I'll ever be able to give him back in a hundred lifetimes. When Katy was over he'd step aside and play a role, all the while knowing his love for me burns with the intensity of a thousand suns compared to her twinkle of a distant star. I don't deserve his love. I've learned something though, he deserves my love. Every shred I have to give and then some, he deserves.
If I give it all to him I'm damned, because as much as he deserves my love, he deserves more love. He deserves a better love than I have to offer. If I don't give it to him I'm damned because I've come to realize that I too need the sustenance of his love to get me through a day. That's Karma for ya, nailing my balls to the wall for being such a petty human being.
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When Duncan suggested we repeat the physical aspect at first I refused to give in. It's only going to lead us to hurt. No, it's only going to lead him to hurt. I don't know what I'll feel. My emotions are far less developed than his. So I put off his cute and playful passes at first. I wasn't back to school for a full week and we were over at his place. He was trying to help get me caught up with homework and Katy and Yvonne had just left when it started.
For no reason he puts a hand around my neck, caresses the back of my head, and kisses me. I kiss back and that is that. We go back to homework. One badass math problem later he reaches in and kisses me on the cheek. Looking into his pools of blue I get lost. We just look at each other for a bit, lost in thought. His freckles go pale in the winter, but there are a few that are always dark. I start to focus on them instead of his eyes. This brings a small frown to him.
I put my hand to his face, my fingers caressing his jaw and my thumb trying to force the corners of his lips back upward. Of course he cracks a thousand-watt smile when I do so.
He always comes up with roundabout ways of asking me to have sex with him again. Cute as can be, he's working on my resolve and I'm conflicted. Do I give in to him and eventually hurt him, or do I deprive him and let him get over it? Thing is, he's not letting go, so either way I don't see him getting over it.
Lounging on his bed with him he tries a new tactic, "Hey Benji, now that you know your penis isn't going to fall off of AIDS because you put it in me, there is another problem. A bigger problem in fact. You do know that once you start using it, if you stop using your penis it falls off, right?"
"Good one Dunc. And if I stop using my brain right now my report card drops off."
"You could be the studly junior next year, being taught the magic of love by the totally awesome and hot senior."
"You want me to fail so that we can have sex?"
He easily manipulates my words, "No. I want you to have sex so that we don't fail."
I brush him off, as with a number more advances. When my homework is caught up thanks in large part to him, and some credit to Yvonne and Katy, he hugs me tightly one day, running his hands over my hips.
He teases me, "You wasted away you know. We've got to get you some sexy meat back on that bod, yo! I don't want you poking me with those pointy hips when we make love!"
"We're not making love Dunc. Not right now anyways. Let me deal with it for a while longer, please?"
"Done! Does that mean, nah, forget I said anything. That's cool, thanks! By the way, I know you hate me saying it but I really love you."
"Yeah, me too," Is all I can bring myself to say, a little too quiet, a little too late.
"Well, you're not swimming this year, you're not playing water polo, and soccer's still like a month away. You're gonna get fat and I don't want your belly slamming against me either you know."
"No sex, Dunc! Not right now anyways. What more can I say?"
"That you'll go to the gym with me. We can trade gear afterwards if you like. I know you kinda dig my essence, and I can't blame you. And me? I can steel glances of your nekked bod when you change and pad my extensive library of fantasies."
"I kinda like the idea of going to the gym. Not at school though. Does the one downstairs allow visitors?"
"Dude! It's open to the public, yo! The condo residents get free membership but you're free to join. You want me staring at you doncha?"
"Worshiping my body doesn't offend me, and that's all you're getting. And your boxers in exchange for mine could work. But only them, I think both our mom's notice when we wear each other's clothes. It's not like either of us do our own laundry."
"Your mom washing something of mine or vice versa is pretty usual. They already know we share even boxers."
"How? We just happen to have the same kind. Did your mom ever notice the pink ones from Adam?"
He thinks on it for a minute, "Deal, yo!"
When he agrees I'm so happy. My protest was completely for show. Yeah, there is the sexual factor for me of sharing certain items with Dunc, no doubt. I've already admitted to myself at least that his body is as much of a turn on to me as his soul and that's why I can't swim competitively with him anymore. It becomes too clear to anyone else around just how much he inspires me!
Wearing his clothes is something much more simple and innocent, if still slightly perverted. Whether it's his sweater, shirt, boxers, shorts, pants, socks, shoes or athletic gear, I get a calming satisfaction wearing it like I am being hugged by him. I can make do with fresh from the laundry because I know it's his, but if it has a lingering scent of him, or his cologne or his deodorant even better.
Do I have it bad for him? If only he knew. He's a smart kid. He's got himself pretty figured out in realizing that he's gay and that making peace with it inwardly and outwardly is the only way he can find happiness in life. He was so calm at the arena at what our friends refer to as his coming-out party. He sort of just told everyone this is who he is, take him or leave him. Of all our friends, not one person left him. Still, as sure as he can be about who he is, and as smart as he is, he's blind to what's really going on with me.
Seriously, fat chance a boy says on his 15th birthday to his best friend that he's willing to suck said friend off purely out of friendship. Manipulation like that generally requires that the guy offering fellatio wants it in the first place! I don't think Jase, Peter or Cameron have extended him the offer on their birthdays. Yup, Duncan owns me and he doesn't know it. I'm coming to that realization, on the heels of the realization to myself that he in fact does have my heart. My mind may be conflicted, but not my heart.
So yeah, I'm cool with going to the Gym with him, trading clothing and pretty much anything else he'll propose.
In mid April, after competitive swimming is done for the year and Duncan only has water polo practices to worry about we start hitting the gym. Yvonne refuses to be shut out of Duncan's world so she and Katy get memberships too. Except for game days, we do cardio until Duncan gets home from practice and then we all do weights together. True to his word, we exchange boxers daily, and he also keeps his promise of candidly sneaking peaks at me in the change room!
Baseball starts up a few weeks later. It takes a lot of convincing to get Duncan to join this year. He's worried the straight guys will give him a hard time like Zach and Ryan did in hockey. Reluctantly he joins, soon getting over himself when he realizes he loves playing baseball more than he fears guys not accepting him.
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One Friday night Shawna is having a party and we have a ballgame. Duncan tries to manipulate me into showering together at my place and then going to the party. I agree because it excites me. Well, one thing leads to another as two estranged erections can do when they see each other again. Poor Kimi probably hears the whole thing and only takes a few snipes at us.
Wednesday of the next week we cancel on Katy and Yvonne on the gym and head over to my place. This time it's not innocent, I have one intention on my mind: getting Duncan into my bed. Hearing someone coming home we assume it's Kimi. I don't care what your sexuality, locking eyes with your mother while you are making love with someone is equally disturbing to all involved! I may not have a lock, but heavy breathing and a closed door to a boy's bedroom should tell a mother to stay the hell out!
To her credit I will concede that two backpacks at the front door may have had her worried that I was working on making her a grandmother with Katy. Maybe she's somehow unaware that Katy's backpack is mostly pink, and Duncan's is red and white with a Scorpion's patch sewn onto it by his mother.
The outcome though isn't that terrible. Our parents aren't stupid and know they can't stop it from happening one way or another. After an awkward round table discussion they want us to keep it contained to sleepovers, when they know not to barge in on us.
We don't take up their offer at first because the thought of having sex when your parents expect you to have sex sucks! Even if we're just talking they are going to think we're at it. I tend to agree with Duncan's take on the situation; by allowing it, they think they are preventing it. That or they really do want us to have a safe place to be together, thus we don't do it in a public place instead and risk getting caught. Still, no thanks to the parent-scheduled sex, I mean sleepovers! Thus, the sex stops as quickly as it started up.
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The high school soccer season kicks in around the same time as baseball for us, more or less. With more commitments we shift our gym schedule, which works for the girls as field hockey is starting for them. Instead of hitting the gym right after school we go for 5:30 instead. Getting out of soccer at least half an hour before the girls, and the fact that they shower before going to the gym gives us time to kill.
One afternoon after a hard practice we flop onto his couch. We are leaning against each other and I realize just how much I miss his physical touch. Having not bothered to change, I get a little excited by his body in the soccer kit. His body also smells inviting, even if the sweat has all dried off. Discreetly I try to maneuver myself so that I can get a better position to enjoy him.
He's completely aware of my ulterior motives, "I know you're throwing that bone for me. I'm not delicate crystal you know. I know you don't want to hurt me again. But for fuck's sake Benji, I can't hold back anymore so I'm about to hug you and hold you and squeeze you tight."
For the next little while we entwine our bodies, absently watching Judge Judy. Two nights later we're still in our soccer gear again and the cuddling becomes more intense. Through the fabric of our shorts I can tell how aroused he is.
"There's a wet spot against the back of my thigh," I observe.
"Yes. Yes there is. It's just a little pre. Sorry," He says, pulling away.
I get up and lead him to his room, "Well, maybe if you're leaking pre, we should see about actually having something follow the pre."
It's not my intent, but we do go all the way. This time I'm not worried anymore. It is pretty damn wonderful if I do say so.
We adopt his plan of using the free time together to our advantage, while his parents are still at work, and the girls aren't over from school yet. We cuddle a lot, and sometimes more. At least once a week we can't fight off the urge and make love. Somehow the friendship grows too, and I no longer view my best bud as something to `deal' with. He is what he is, we are what we are. I'm kind of really cool with the whole thing.
Happy with this new dynamic, some days after school I want to just spend with him. I'm putting some mass back on and I have all my energy back, so I propose to Katy that we cut the gym down to 2 or 3 times a week. They don't need it with field hockey, and Duncan and I get all the cardio we need from soccer, and our summer baseball. She buys my excuse without question.
Comfortable in our ways, and relieved that Kimi never rats us out, Duncan and I decide that we would like the freedom to sleep together again. I really miss his body next to mine when we sleep, and the grinding wasn't bad either! So we play along with our parents, but we leave the door wide open at all times and don't do anything more serious than make-out on our sleepover nights.
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My mom is coming down on me little too, something I haven't told Duncan. Both sets of our parents are also very good friends with Katy's parents. Somewhere down the line something has to give. Keeping it all in the family has to be hard on our parents. They feel an obligation to tell Mr. & Mrs. Laukkanen, as well and Yvonne's mother, Mrs. Toivonen. That they haven't yet, and I haven't been forced to choose Duncan or Katy yet amazes me. Not that there's a choice if it gets out. Katy will hate me, probably forgive Duncan, and he'll go on loving me.
"You have to chose honey. You like Xadia, but you sleep around with Duncan. I guess if you're bisexual I should be content with the arrangement, rather than the other way around. But you are stringing her along."
"I know. But Duncan knows I'm never going to marry him. He knows I want a wife and kids."
"Does he? Really?"
"Yeah. He knows it's strictly sex and someday in our friendship that will get cut out too. We've talked about it and he's cool with it. For now he gets what he wants, and I do too."
"I know."
"Huh? What?"
"He talks with his parents about it. He's gotten a lot closer to his parents because of this. His mother and I have been girlfriends all our lives. She's told me what Duncan thinks about you, and knows he's going to have to let you go one day. I just worry what you think and feel sometimes, if you even think or feel. We never discuss what really goes on in your heart and head."
"Well I like Katy a lot. Sorry, I know. Don't call her that, it's Xadia. Whatever. Anyhow, I like her a lot. She gets me, uh know what? You can figure out the rest and I am not telling you what excites me. Bad enough you saw me bare-assed at work. But I get that way over her too if you must know. And no, we've never had our clothes off."
"Just be careful in this little love triangle. Your heart isn't the only one you hold in your hands."
Unfortunately my conversation with my mom is a necessary evil on her part. I realize that while I have been a good boyfriend to Katy, I haven't progressed our relationship nearly as far as Duncan and I have. Too bad for my mom that she's just planted the idea in my head that maybe I should start working on that with her. If she's game.
Katy that is, not my mom. I already have one scar inside from my mom seeing me make love to Duncan. I am never getting caught by my mother again, whether it's now as a teenager, years later when I take my aged parents in, or at any time inbetween!
My mom turns to leave, and then turns back to me, "You know who else you've never thought about through all of this?"
"Um, you?"
"No, you've thought about that. You've thought about how to deceive your father and me. Kimi. He loves you, you know? You, Duncan and he were the three musketeers for so long, all in the worship of King Brennan. Look at those two, they truly are brothers. You, you never give Kimi the time of day. He misses you."
"Oh," I say, not understanding what he has to do with anything.
"He quietly mourns the day he lost you to the dark side. This year with swimming and then water polo, he even tried to keep his distance from Duncan, but Duncan wouldn't let him. Maybe you can try to be friends with him again. You're the one that's cut him out."
I nod my head.
"Ben, someday you'll look back on this. These are your defining years. In so many ways. Yes, sex is a wonderful bond, but if that's all you focus on now, your life will be empty of loved ones when you too finally realize that sex is such a small part of what makes a fulfilling life. A brother, one as close as you two were, you'll miss with all the regret you can muster."
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The conversation comes back to me many weeks later. Duncan and I are in his bed on one of our sleepovers. It's our last night together before he heads to Scotland for a month. A whole month without my Dunc while he visits family.
He's going to be visiting with his uncle and aunts that all returned from Finland to their birth country before or after their youngest brother (his dad) emigrated to Canada with a group of friends, including my parents. It's not his first trip there but this will be his longest. Tonight I don't care what his parents think we're up to in his bed, if I can't have him for a month I am going to be close to him and show how much I'm going to miss him.
Early in the day a bunch of us have a little going away party for Duncan. Part of me wants to spend as much time with him as possible but Katy is on my arm all night long it seems. Kimi shoot me the occasional knowing glance, but Duncan seems to just be enjoying himself so I let it be.
He's picked a song for his vacation off of Brennan's Napster and has been playing the crap out of it. He really loves the song Major Tom buy some German dude named Peter Schilling. I secretly like the techno/dance song myself, and hear enough of it because no one is safe from having to hear him play it on his discman or their stereo. Now that our band has been defunct for a few months this is what he's turned to?
"Damn Dunc, do I have to get Jase and Sasha back over when you're home from Scotland to revive The Cosmic 6 and set your head straight about what music we like?"
He calls my bluff, "I know you're only kidding, yo."
"The hell I am."
"I know the song is so completely out of character for us, but it's kinda fun, ya know? And you like it too, just admit it. I can read you like a picture book Benjamin Hartkainen. Anyway, yeah. Definitely talk to Sash and Jase; we should be Delta Cosmos or something."
My lack of comprehension must be clear, "Delta's the fourth letter in the greek alphabet, and I think it stands for four too. Two black holes collapsed in The Cosmic 6, also known as Asshole Ryan and Asshole Zach. So The Cosmic 4 instead, but with a twist; Delta Cosmos!"
"Sounds too dorky."
He smiles. That perfect, brilliant smile, "You're dorky."
I love it when he comes alive. I keep the banter up, "Delta Cosmos. I dunno, Sounds Spanish."
"See? There ya go; dorky, but sexy, and totally us!"
"But I'm not Spanish. I'm English with Finnish parents."
"Hmmm, English is the backspin snooker players can put on a ball. Kinda like your tongue on my..."
"Public place Dunc. Public place."
"Fine, whatever Benji, you're Finnish. America is south of our Canadian border, so we'll say my American friend' gives your English' a standing ovation. Every time."
He's too cute so I play stupid, wanting to egg him on, "What?"
He looks to see that no one's in ear shot, "South of the border. You know, below the belt? Think of my belt as a border. Gawd you're thick sometimes. My dick is south of my border. It, oh screw you; you know what I mean!"
We aren't afforded a lot of time alone at Shawna's party. Katy is on my arm a lot, and aware that something has come to attention south of my border too. Hopefully she thinks it's because of her, and truth be told it partly is because of her too.
Duncan has Yvonne hounding him most of the night. Those two are so perfect for each other; they are such good friends somehow so I'm pretty happy he has her. He lets his guard down with her and even though everyone knows they aren't boyfriend and girlfriend anymore you wouldn't know it if you weren't told. She kisses him a lot, sometimes still on the lips, and he kisses her back.
Some people think she's in denial and that she still hopes he's her boyfriend. But those people don't know us. She knows beyond the shadow of a doubt that the only thing between them is friendship. We know that. They're just Frick and Frack. Both a little bit insane; but no more than the rest of us really. They're just not afraid to let it show.
When Katy and I start making out in Shawna's kitchen and Duncan walks in to grab some party mix and more lemon-gin spiked green Koolaid for Yvonne and him, he just smiles. I don't see hurt on his face, just his `I love you' smile. I return it, causing Katy to pull away.
"You boys. You leave the locker room, but your minds always stay there," She says, turning to see who's cheering me on, "Oh. Hi Duncan."
Duncan wraps his arms around both of us, "Hey Katy. I love you guys, and even if I wasn't gay I wouldn't support the whole locker room talk and male bonding thing. I'm not giving him the thumbs up behind your back bitch; I'm openly rooting for both of you!"
I don't know how he can be so strong, but I honestly feel he means it. Removing himself from the picture, he really is happy that his two friends that he shared everything in life with, from cribs and play pens to his sexuality, are together.
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Seeing Duncan off at the airport the next morning is a lot more emotional than I expect. Katy, Yvonne, Kimi and I go to the airport to see he and Brennan off and everyone but me is excited for him. My thoughts are conflicted and I'm really going to miss him.
The silly clown left a burned CD copy of a bunch of 80's techno meets industrial songs, bookending them with the English and German versions of that song for Kimi to plant in my bedroom after he left!
Instead of hiding it Kimi hands it to me, "Here, Duncan wanted me to stash this under your pillow for you."
"Then why didn't you?"
"C'mon Ben. He's going to miss you bad while he's gone. Do me a favour? Miss him too. Maybe your cold little heart will grow two sizes for it Mr. Grinch. Then again, who knows, maybe you really are the Tin Man."
I scratch my ear, wondering what the hell Kimi's problem is.
"Yeah, you heard me. Love him back already or set him free," He says and slams my door behind him as he leaves.
Wow. That's harsh. First Mom, now Kimi. Both seem to be concerned about me not hurting Duncan. Do they think I'm a bad person or what? Do I really come across to everyone as that uncaring? I never thought so, but am I really lacking that much emotion?
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With Duncan gone for the month I realize this is it. The time has come to finally make a choice.
The first weekend without Duncan I last minute ask Mom and dad if Katy and Yvonne can come to the cottage with us. There's four of us sunning and drying off on the dock after swimming back from cliff-jumping off of Beer Belly Cliff. Duncan's brother named it that when we were little because the cliff looks like a man's beer belly when you look at it straight on. Katy and I are just staring lazily at each other. I'm face up and a foot away from me she's face down.
I'm not really paying attention to anything when I notice Katy's hand on my tummy. She's playing with the fine hairs below my belly button that have a glint to them, reflecting the sun above. Her touch is stirring, and something else comes to life. Realizing this, Katy giggles.
Kimi sits up and looks at us. If looks could kill I'd be history. Like I'm talking stabbed to death, chopped up into little bits, fed to piranhas and then my cleaned off bones tossed into an active volcano. He doesn't hide the fact either, standing up he unleashes on me, "Gawd Ben. You are such a fucking scumbag asshole."
But I'm not. As my brother stomps off and Katy and Yvonne look to me for enlightenment, I've just made my choice. One way or the other someone's going to get hurt, and that's my fault. Either way, I'm finally at peace with the decision. It's for the best.
Staring out over the whitecaps forming on the lake and crashing against the rocks my mother's words come back to me once more. She's right these are my defining years, someday I will look back on this. Someday I will reflect on this very moment and the choice I'm making.
Still, a small part of me wishes I hadn't ever been forced into this situation where I have to choose. As ABBA's One Of Us plays in my head I laugh inside; Duncan would be proud.
[to be continued]