This story is a work of fiction. Any resemblances to any person, place, or written works are purely coincidental. It may contain consensual sex between young men. Do not read if you find that objectionable or if it is illegal for you to view this content for whatever the reason.
Copyright 2009 Jade. All Rights Reserved. Do not post, copy, or use this story in any manner without my permission.
Comments / criticism / feedback? Always love to hear from you at : phantomscorpio77@gmail.com.
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In This Cruel World
Everything in my world is just perfect until Benji withdraws from me. He gets all quiet and remorseful for some reason which I soon find out; the condom was no longer where he put it as he emerged unsheathed from me. Thing is, he waits until we've showered and are dressing to let me in on this major detail. Some people pace when stressed, Benji has this thing where his feet are planted, but he wiggles his legs. I question him with a look.
He scratches his head, "Uh Dunc, I lost the condom."
I hear him but it's not computing, "What do you mean you lost the condom?"
After he steps into his jeans he grabs a hold of himself through his boxers he graphically explains, "Well it was on me before we, you know, and it wasn't there afterwards."
I ask him, "And when did you notice this?"
His shirt now on, he won't look my way, a tell that he's not being fully honest, "I didn't. Making it with you was so good. I didn't know I put all the lube inside until there was next to none left for you. It was staying put inside you and I was hitting it and you. I'm pretty sure I know when it happened because it started to feel so good."
"Without thinking I say, "Oh, good. At least you did notice it coming off and ramming it up inside me."
Benji is looking rough and I don't want to scare him off. I've paid attention in health class, it should be alright, right? While trying not to freak out on him for his stupidity I say, "It's alright. It'll be O.K."
He holds his head and slowly starts spinning around in circles, "Fuck! Fuck fuck fuck! Fuuuuck!"
I try to calm him in a hug, "Stop freaking out yo, I'm sure it'll be fine."
"How? I shot in you twice Duncan," He states as he pushes me away. He checks his watch, "I made love to you for a good what, twenty, twenty-five minutes at least. How much of that was unprotected?"
"Unprotected? What do you need protection from? My bum? I don't have anything for your information, saw my doctor a couple weeks back. And I'm the one with your jizz stuck in me because you're the fucking retard that can't keep the thing on!"
"Oh my god! I'm gonna have AIDS," Benji says as he grabs his coat and bolts for the door.
I have my pants up but not buttoned yet. I follow him barefoot as quick as I can but he is running down the hall.
"Benji, wait. Come back, let's talk this through," I say to his back as he nears the bank of solid metal doors at the end of the hall. The light is mesmerizing as the door opens and slams shut behind him. In his wake I yell at him although he's already gone, "Benji, don't do this to me. I need you! I love you!"
I fix my boxers and zip up my pants in the dingy hallway that normally brightens my day when I enter it. Back in the dressing room, staring at the condom under a bench that Benji obviously tossed aside I call and call his cell phone, but he just lets it ring. I pack up our hockey gear and in the process I realize that he doesn't even have his shoes. Tracing his footprints in the snow it becomes clear to me that he hit the sidewalk after climbing the stairs and just kept on going. Dejectedly I call home for one of my parents to pick me up.
I refuse to explain to my dad what happened and why Benji isn't with me. Benji has his learners permit and was supposed to drive me home under one of his parents supervision. When we get home I toss both bags downstairs in the storage lock-up.
This too raises questions. My mom asks, "Why are you putting that away for the year? Are you just skating for your birthday party honey?"
I fluff it off by saying, "Ah, yeah. I'm tired of my room smelling like a big 'ole bag of sweaty ass already."
"Oh. Benji's too? Why didn't he take his home. They have storage in their basement."
"Yeah, Benji's too," I say. I want to add that he can grab his shit when he's done being an asshole, but I don't.
I try his phone a few more times but now it just goes to the voicemail. I try his house and Mrs. Hart tells me he's gone to bed and isn't feeling well. No crap huh? Well neither am I. He's the one that made love to me and shot his wad up me. Twice. If either of us should be afraid of getting anything it would be me, but some self-education on the internet has taught me better.
In everything that happened after the sex I forgot about the initial problem. Benji has a nice piece of meat, but his head is small when you pull back the skin. Mine on the other hand is probably too big. With a whole sample packet of lube inside the condom and none left over for my benefit it's no wonder it slipped off of him. If I ever get a second chance with him I'm taking charge of details. Playing the night over in my head repeatedly, I fall asleep to a mixed CD of a bunch of sappy songs that I've dubbed my `Sad CD'. I am definitely sad at the moment.
Saturday morning rolls around and I don't get out of bed until my dad forces me to in the afternoon. I just throw on track pants and curl up under a blanket on a couch and stare blankly at the TV. Don't ask me what I watch, I have no clue. I never get fully dressed the whole day until dinner when I throw on a Scorpions hoodie I got from their co-headlining concert with Motley Crue back on August first at GM Place. That concert's a good memory of when Jase, Sasha, Benji, Ryan, Zach and I all got along. My dad makes me flip the hood down at the table.
All day I'm fending off my parent's concerns, telling them I'm alright. Dinner is no different, especially when Peter calls during dinner and I tell him I'm not coming over to watch Hockey Night in Canada with the guys tonight. I live for hockey and this just precipitates a more intense round of are you o.k.'s from my parents.
After dinner I creep back to my room and go on MSN, hoping to catch Benji there. He's not online either so I give up and just start surfing the net with my hoodie up. In the darkness of my room I can see my reflection in the computer monitor and I don't like it anymore. While surfing porn I come across this one guy that I think looks hot. His hair is jet black and I like it. Yeah, how gay am I that I find a hairstyle I like while perusing porn!
I check my wallet for money. Yup, got a twenty and a five in there. I slip my bare feet into Benji's runners that he left last night and tell my parents I'm going downstairs to the drug store to get a Kit Kat. I ask if they want anything. My dad gets up from the hockey game to get his wallet and I tell him it's on me. Minutes later I toss him a bag of chips and head for the bathroom.
I'm sure my parents think I'm masturbating or something in the bathroom because I'm in it so long. Then again maybe not, they're used to me locking myself in and bleaching my hair. Good thing they have a full bathroom in their bedroom, so they don't need to bother me. Of course they do; at one point my mom knocks on the door and asks if everything's alright. Black hair dye is running down my forehead. I dab it away with some toilet paper.
"Yeah mom, everything's peachy. I'm just taking care of some runs," I say.
I don't mean to imply I have diarrhea but I guess that's what my mom takes from it. My parents were firm subscribers to the idea of keeping medicine high out of reach and locked when I was a kid, so dad put a lock on one of the cupboard doors over the island that divides the open kitchen from the living room / dining room. The lock is never used now, but the shelf still houses our medicine. By the time my hair is pure black and I've had a shower and conditioned it my mom is on high alert.
As soon as I unlock the bathroom door she pounces on me with pink stomach relief stuff and a spoon, "Ahhhh!"
My dad is over the couch in a flash and by her side to see what has caused her to scream.
Standing in my boxers I can't help but laugh at my parents against my will, "Chill peeps! I didn't slit my wrists or anything. I just wanted to try black instead of bleach today. I like it, what do you think?"
"It looks different. You look different. Older. Handsome," My mom says. I don't think she likes it.
Stroking his ginger beard that he grows for the winter my dad is more expressive, "It suits you. You're too fair to be a peroxide blonde. But you could just try natural. My sister Genevieve always says she would kill for your shade of red. She'd love to see it for your cousin Hazel's wedding when we go over to Glasgow this summer."
I don't want to shut my parents out but I would just like to reflect inwardly on what an asshole my best friend and love of my life is. I brush my parents off and sit on my bed and look out at the wintery scene outside. I guess Brennan is right after all, I do this every time I brood. But why should I brood? Screw that! I get up and head to the computer. I'm going to try a new chat site I found called gay.com.
I chat with a few people on it and learn the ins and outs of the site. Namely don't sit in the room, just check who's in it and hit up guys around my age. Oh yeah, and lie about my age too because guys don't want to get caught chatting up a minor.
After the first hockey game is over my dad comes in to tell me the score; cruddy Toronto beat Buffalo 5-2. He asks if I'm going to join him for the second game of the double-header. I really want to withdraw into myself, but anything hockey is my weakness. I never did get that Kit Kat so I venture out to the kitchen and raid the fridge of a chunk of cheese and a box of crackers. Looks like garden pesto Havarti is this week's cheese of choice for my mom. My dad is sprawled out on one couch with Hansikas already back on his tummy and chest, purring away. Crossing back into the living room I plop down on the other couch beside my mom who's reading a Koontz novel.
Being an emotional wreck is tiring! Somewhere early into the first period of Atlanta at Calgary I dose off. At least it isn't on my Vancouver Canucks that I do this to!
In the morning I don't want to get out of bed again. This is my sixteenth birthday coming up, and only the fourth time I get to celebrate it on the right day. So to say it isn't big deal to me would be a lie. In fact, even to say it's huge to me is an understatement. But everything has changed now. I manage to sleep after my mom and dad both urge me to get up. Around half an hour before noon I wake to Brennan's voice. I can't make out the words but there's definitely a good conversation before he barges in to my room.
"Hey Brennan," I say quite normally.
He stands by my bed, "Hey you. What's shaking. Black hair now too? Look at me? Eh, I like it. Going for a complete makeover for your birthday?"
"Yeah, I guess. I wasn't feeling the blonde anymore," I share.
"Cool. Now enough of the chit-chat. Get your smelly ass out of bed and have a shower. You were supposed to be ready by now," He pulls my duvet off me.
I question, "Why? Are we doing something? I didn't know we were doing anything? No one told me to be up and ready."
"Well now I have. Usually you're up and on the go way before now. And yeah, we're doing something for your birthday kiddo! Hurry up," Brennan says.
Once I am ready Brennan grabs the keys to the car off our mom. We end up at a walk-up apartment complex.
"Wow, this place looks like a barrel of monkeys," I skeptically state.
"You've never seen my place. I figured I'd get you out of Mom's hair while she makes your cake, chill here for the afternoon, slip you a beer and try to get into your pants. Top floor bro, I've got a penthouse," He jokes.
I don't laugh at him; top floor of a two level building does not make it a penthouse! He hamstrings me in the butt as I ascend the outside stairs to the upper floor, "Mom's right, you're all serious all of a sudden."
"I guess," I dismissively say, rubbing where he slapped me. How I want to tell him everything! I need his help here, but I don't want to risk the ever-so-small chance that he'll not accept me.
We enter his apartment and walk in on his friend Chuck playing a video game. I think his friends Tommy and Jay share the place too. Kitchen, two doors, two more and one there. Looks like four bedrooms and one bathroom. Two guys in a room, that's eight guys. Yup, Dad's right, it is like a frat house.
We hang out at his place for a few hours and just veg in the room he shares with Chewy'. I gather Rob does the world's greatest Chewbacca impression. I play around on Brennan's computer and search his internet history while we talk. Straight porn and sports, typical guy stuff. I open his MSN which is minimized. He has me in his Family' folder with a couple cousins. I scan his friends. With nothing interesting on his computer I take closer interest in his CD tower. He's got a few new CD's I'd like to borrow. I stop checking everything out when he cheekily asks, "Anything else you want to snoop on? Porno mags are in the top drawer of my dresser."
"Ew. Older guys dicking plastic girls. No thanks," I accidentally say. I get the point though and sit down.
For my family birthday I get a Canucks jersey from Brennan and a nice charcoal grey pea coat from my parents. We have dinner, cake and presents at home and then go to a Vancouver Canucks game. They beat the Phoenix Coyotes 2 to 1!
On Monday I go to school a new me. Today I want to do something different, so I raid the clothes Brennan left behind in our closet. Instead of wearing jeans and a t-shirt I settle on one of his Gap dress shirts. It's red with white stripes and all crinkly. The sleeves are already folded up to the elbows, just waiting to be worn. I match it with a pair of khaki's and a dressier pair of casual shoes rather than my runners.
New hair, new style, I get a lot of reaction and some compliments at school.
Benji's not at school today. I try calling him one last time. He could at least pick up the phone for me only to hang up without saying a word! After school I corner Kimi in the change room before swimming practice.
"Kimi, what's going on with Benji," I ask.
"Yeah. Good one. Like you don't know. I'm not in the mood for you right now. And to think I sided with you on this," he says and walks away, leaving me alone all practice and alone again to go home and mope afterwards.
Tuesday's my actual birthday. I dress more preppy again today for school, and people are noticing my new image. I have my party at the arena as planned. Mostly everyone is at it except any of Benji's family. This irks my parents, especially my mom who has been best friends with Benji's mom since they were little school girls. Brennan doesn't want it to show but he's pissed at Benji on my behalf.
Wednesday night is when things start to reach a boil. There's no way from letting my parents know I am upset anymore. Further, my Mom has talked with Mrs. Hart and SHE gives ME the silent treatment after telling me as much when she gets home.
At dinner is when she decides to start in on it, "What happened Friday? Ben walked home in his socks and has pneumonia right now. He was in the hospital for two days. I did notice you had his hockey gear and his shoes."
"Benji flipped out on me and stormed off. If you all want to know why ask him; he's the one with problems," I say. I won't commit to anything more than that and end up getting sent to my room for the rest of the night.
After school and work Thursday I voluntarily stay in my room, avoiding my parents completely. I try to skip dinner and after summoning me to the table my dad takes pity on me and lets me eat in my room.
Friday is a repeat except I'm forced to sit through dinner, giving my parents the silent treatment when they try to prod, and even when they try small talk. I won't tell them what's wrong, I can't tell them.
Saturday I stay in bed until four in the afternoon and sneak out to the health club downstairs without my parents knowing. I run into Jase there, playing squash with his dad. Jase asks if I want to try it and I figure why not, so he stays after his dad and teaches me what he can. After half an hour we are both wiped out. When Jase heads home I shower and change into what would be my clean shirt and boxers for after the gym. Throwing my shorts back on I go out to the main floor and start messing around with some weight machines. I lose myself in this and don't notice the time until my stomach is grumbling at me. Wow, it's seven o'clock.
After another shower and dressing in my street clothes and slightly damp shirt I head up to the promenade for a ready-made sandwich from the grocery store. I check my cell phone. The only calls are from home and Brennan. How quickly things change. A week ago I had just come out to my friends and they were all supportive and towards the end of this week because everyone thinks I caused Benji's pneumonia they are avoiding me.
Walking in the door I get faced with both parents, "Where were you? Why did you leave without telling us?"
"Gym. Here, feel and smell if you want," I say, handing my backpack of sweaty clothes and wet towel to them.
My dad is about to give me an attitude adjustment as I brush by them but my mom stops him and just lets me go. When I get to my room Brennan's there. Well, looks like my parents have finally figured something is wrong and being the wise parents they are they've called in the big guns on me. They know how I idolize my older brother and they must figure that he is a better approach at cracking me. Damn them, because they're right and they have exploited my weakness. At 16 it's hard to keep such a major secret to myself and I don't want to carry this burden anymore. I close the door behind me.
It starts off all innocent. I can tell he isn't happy being used, "Hey Veli! Heard you've had a rough week."
I shrug my shoulders. I try to change the subject, "So are you still with Jan?"
"Yeah. Jen. We're still good for now I guess. But she's way too needy and ignores my needs," he says, emphasizing his needs.
"You think too much with that," I backhand swat his lap. Tapping his head I suggest, "Try using that some time!"
He pokes my ribs, indicating my heart, "And you think too much with that."
This incites a brotherly wrestling match until I give up in a Brett Hart Sharpshooter. He lets me go and I sprawl out on his bed.
He sits down on the bed next to me, "Don't get too comfy, you know why I'm here."
Thing is, horsing around with him has just created that comfort factor. He starts prodding me, "So what's it feel like to be 16?"
Focused on the nightscape beyond the window I let it out, "I don't know. Things just seem to be out of control sometimes. I wish life would just slow down already and let me be."
"What do you mean? The stuff that's been bugging you lately? Lover's quarrel with your little homo friend? What's up with you and Ben anyway," He jokes.
He just asked what was up between my little homo friend and me. He said it jokingly like he used to back when as kids Benji and I would sleep in my bed with Brennan in the same room. But he knows me well enough to tell that with his aloof comment he has hit a hole-in-one and arrived directly at the core of the problem. Silent tears involuntarily develop in my eyes.
He doesn't freak. Instead he actually snuggles up to me and apologizes, "Oh my god Dunc, sorry. I didn't mean it that way; I didn't know. Do Mom and Dad know? If they don't I won't tell them."
I know I can trust him, he is my big brother, my teacher in real life, my protector. He is so good to me always and this is why I adore him. I now know any thought that he'd reject me was stupid on my part so I let it all out.
"It started years ago. I can't even remember when I first knew I loved him, it's been so long. And then I'd do things to him in bed. Yeah, little innocent things even when you were here. I didn't think he knew, but sometimes he'd react and it was like he was letting me. Then for his fifteenth birthday he gave me a blow job. He said all he wanted for his birthday was my happiness. We've messed around ever since but his rule has been no ass play. For my sixteenth birthday he finally made love to me Bren. At the arena when he and I were supposed to be playing hockey. The world was so perfect for a moment last week when I was in his arms and we were together. And then he got all spooked that he has AIDS because he used way too much lube and the condom slipped off him while he was in me. He thinks we can create our own AIDS or something! So after we showered we talked about it and he stormed off in just his socks. I guess he walked all the way home that way and got pneumonia because of it. And I could say it's my fault because none of it would have ever happened in the first place if I wasn't so truly, madly, deeply in love with him, but I never forced him to blow his wad in me. Either time. At least he liked my cooch so much he went for seconds."
Brennan doesn't laugh at me, doesn't cajole me, doesn't judge me. He just listens and hugs me again afterwards. Wiping away my stinging tears of shame he smiles at me.
Dismissing my week of distress just like that he switches the subject slightly. Remembering that he had told me all about his first time, he asks, "So what was it like? I told you about my first time with a girl. How was your first time? And don't clam up on me Veli, it doesn't matter to me that it was boy that made love to you."
At this point we hear the door creak and we both realize that Mom and/or Dad have eaves dropped on either some, or all of the conversation. Feeling violated himself, Brennan confronts them, "What the hell? You asked me to come home tonight to talk to him and fill you in. You never said you'd be listening in!"
I guess it's not a surprise to my family that in this day and age I might turn out gay based upon some of my characteristics, but the tears still fall from my mom while my dad tries to be overly strong and supportive for me.
My mom doesn't know what to do, she doesn't hug me so Brennan rescues me again, "Mom? He's still the same son he was before you just found out, the same son you were worried sick over! He's the same boy you gave birth to and have doted over his entire life. Not one thing is different about him Mom!"
As if I'm not even in the room my dad echo's this, only more gently, "Right now he needs more than anything for us to show him we love him and accept him and that this changes nothing."
After a big 'ole gushy family hug with my parents they go to their room. I tell Brennan everything, and he listens to me, asking how I liked it, if I would ever be the giver rather than the receiver, and other questions. He sure doesn't shy away from trying to help me come to terms with myself. In the wee hours of the morning he falls asleep on me. I wake him and tell him to get to bed, undressing and doing the same myself.
The next morning we have a family meeting and get ready for the Hartkainen's to come over. My dad is pretty firm over the phone that this is in everyone's best interest but concedes it would be better if we all go over there. Getting there I want to be mad at Benji. In fact I am mad at him, but it all evaporates when I see him still sick.
When we all are settled Mr. Hart asks me, "What the devil got into you Duncan? Benji's real sick right now."
Benji is looking me in the eyes. My heart is melting at the site of him, I want to hold him and make him all better. But I have enough ice flowing through my veins for what he did to me so I take my shot, "Yeah. What the devil did get into me Benji? Yo, do you want to tell them or should I? My family knows and the truth gets easier to tell every time."
He bites his lip and mulls it over as our eyes are locked in a steely gaze. Finally Benji admits, "I got into him. I mean, I made love to Duncan. And then I panicked and ran off without my shoes and this is all my fault."
His parents are in shock! Kimi has a look of realization. Benji has a look of terror. I go to him and kiss him. He hugs me and we end up in each other's arms. We have a lot to talk about with our parents. We find that neither of us can make direct eye contact with anyone else in the room save for each other as we fill our parents in on the dimensions of our relationship; how the love is one sided, that Benji is maybe bisexual at best, and that was the first time we'd done anal. Nothing's resolved, but Benji tells me he loves me and he's sorry.
Quietly before we leave Brennan steps into Benji, "Ben, you and Kimi are like little brothers to me, and Duncan loves you so much it hurts him. But mark my words. Duncan says he has a big head and you have a little one? You ever pump and run on my brother again, the only size you should be worried about is my fist. Got it?"
[to be continued]