The sun shone straight in my face and I squinted my eyes. I was in bed, sitting up, with an impressive case of morning wood. 'A cold shower wouldn't be such a bad idea.' I mumbled. I remembered dreaming something. Rowing, water, Thomas.
Stumbling to the showers, I noticed the light headache. Nothing an aspirine couldn't take off. This time I wasn't the first one in. The room was steamfilled and the sounds of chattering guys under the spray bounced off the wall.
The tepid water, I didn't go for cold after all, revived me. I couldn't help but check out the other guys in the shower. Suddenly my nightly adventure sprang to mind and I quickly faced the wall again. What the hell happened there, I wondered. I knew there were guys who dug guys, and apparently Edward was one. But was I? I had never thought about it. I'd had some girlfriends in the past. I had sex with two of them. I liked it. Didn't I? Sure I did. But it wasn't as exciting as what I'd seen last night. It seemed so forbidden. It WAS forbidden. This was a jesuit college. They made sure no coeds ever came into our halls, and vice versa. And if sex the way God had meant it was forbidden, unholy things like... I pondered. I had never been the religious type. Why start now? But I had never been the queer type either. I turned the warm faucet shut and gasped when the cold water struck me. I managed a few minutes but then it was too much. I got out and toweled off. Besides, I had a training to go to.
The sunlight warmed me and I casually strolled to Duquesne Hall. A band of girls in tracksuit passed me by and I smiled at them. I was surprised to see so many people up already. Taking a closer look around, I noticed everybody was either running or stretching. Right, we all had taken the resolution to get up early and start the day with practice. I bet next week only half the people I saw now would keep it up. Behind an open window someone was playing a Django Reinhardt record on his grammofone. I stopped to listen for a second. The needle dragged the shellac between tracks, a dry creaking sound. Thomas came out of the main entrance and I called his name. He turned and smiled. Just then the record picked up and Nuages set in. I froze as the images flashed before my eyes. The swaying green, the sunspotted body. His naked body.
'Hey Dylan. You okay?'
'Er...yeah.'
'What's up?'
'Nothing, I mean...I just remembered what I dreamt last night. Strange.'
'You can tell me all about it. While running.' He said and jogged off.
I followed and ran up to him.
'So, what was it?'
'What?'
'The dream. You're really spaced, are you always like this in the morning?'
'No, not really.' I answered, absentmindedly.
'Some dream then.' He laughed.
'Well...no. It was just uhm...you were in it.'
'Oh, really?' he said casually.
'Yeah, usually I forget what I dreamt right after I wake up.'
We crossed some teammates who were running as well and greeted them.
'Seeing you brought it back, is all.'
'What did I do?'
'You swam.'
'I do that in real life too.' He said with a chuckle.
'Naked?' I asked, and mentally smacked myself.
'Uhm, usually in trunks.'
I was beet red by now and pretended to focus on the track ahead.
'Oh, was I...? I mean in your dream?' he asked intrigued.
'Yeah.'
'Wow.'
For a few minutes all that could be heard were our feet hitting the gravel. Inside my head though I was yelling at myself. "Idiot." Over and over again.
'How did I look?'
I glanced over at Thomas who was looking at me, smiling mischievously.
'Nude.' was my laconic reply.
'Good nude or bad nude?'
'Male nude.'
After that, he left the topic alone. For which I was grateful. We ran a lot that morning, just talking about random things. Were we came from, he was from Boston. Our families, he had three sisters, one older two younger. What our majors were, his were Ancient Literature and History. We didn't breach the subject of girlfriends. On my behalf there wasn't much to tell anyway. And he didn't seem inclined to bring it up. Two hours later, we were back where we started. Standing in front of his dorm we stretched side by side against a picket fence. I caught myself stealing glances from the corner of my eyes. He really did look good.
'Same time tomorrow?' I asked.
'Sure, if that works for you.'
'Of course, why wouldn't it?'
'I don't know, you might want to sleep in.' he said with a wink.
'You weren't that good.' I replied, casually turned around and walked away.
His laughter sent me on my way, smiling happily. It didn't last long though. I became uncomfortable with the thought of something I couldn't even put into words.
A shower would do me good. I was soaked in sweat and my mind was troubled. Edward was no longer in bed. Good, I hadn't yet decided what I was going to do about him. If I had just seen him and hadn't stayed to watch I could've just pretended nothing had ever happened. But I had a lot of questions. Not in the least about myself.
The shower didn't really solve any of my problems. It was crowded with athletes who'd
just had practice, or came back from working out. Too much testosterone in one steamy room. For me at least. The rest of them were so comfortable though. Playing grab ass, towelsnap, the works. I just did my best keeping my eyes up and my cock down. It had all of the sudden become a problem for me. Leaving the showers, still befuddled I decided to go have a smoke outside and fiddle a bit. 'Just clear your head, and it will all be allright.'
The smoke did me good, the first one of the day always did. I sat under a big oak peoplewatching. Picking up my violin I started fiddling. After ten minutes of playing depressing gypsy laments I gave up. It would keep haunting me. I needed to put an end to this one way or the other. I hadn't a clue how though.
'I thought it was you, pining away under a tree, strangling that cat of yours.' Edward smiled grimly.
'A remarkable gift you have there.'
'Yes, I can hear troubled thoughts from a mile away.' He said and sat down next to me. 'Before you get any ideas, I can hear them but I don't want to solve them, so don't bother.'
'I saw you last night.' I said, staring off into the distance.
'Poor old me? Where?'
'Over there.' I said, and pointed at the rhododendron bush not too far away.
'Did you now?'
I lit another smoke and handed him one.
'So, out with it. Whatever you feel you have to say.' He said, exhaling a cloud of smoke.
'Was that the first time?' I asked, silently hoping it was just an experiment.
'Are you serious? I did a bang up job there. Experience, my friend, goes a long way.'
He meant to defuse the situation, but I wasn't about to let it go.
'So you're...'
'A poofter? Yes.'
'Oh.'
'If you want to change rooms, go right ahead. But I'm keeping our room. The ground level is ever so convenient.'
'No, I don't.'
'Don't tell me you're okay with it. Because you don't look like it.'
'I don't mind you being...like that.'
'Ah, I see. You've got a problem with yourself.'
'Never said that.'
'But you do.'
I didn't reply. To be honest, I didn't even know.
'Innocent little Dannyboy. Only a few days away from home and already the unexpected encounters with self realisation come knocking at your doorstep.'
I stared in the distance.
'It's allright you know.'
I just inhaled and bit my lip.
'I take it you haven't ever...'
'No!' I interrupted him, more forcefully than I meant to.
'Whatever you might think, it's not going to go away.'
I sighed. 'It's just that I...I don't know. I never really thought about this before, you know?'
'But ever since Captain Crew came into the picture, you have.'
I was shocked that he read me so easily. He had only seen us together yesterday. Jesus, I only met Thomas yesterday.
'Bullseye.' Edward said, but not in his usual jest. 'Tell me about him.'
'What's there to tell?'
'Why him, for example.'
'I don't know. I don't even know what there is about him. I hardly know him. He just...'
'Gets your blood boiling?'
'No, I just feel this spark. Or something.'
'I catch your drift. There's a connection.'
'Yes.'
'Did you ever consider you only look up to him?'
'What do you mean?'
'He's an accomplished athlete. He has taken it upon himself to coach you, it could be some sort of an older brother complex.'
'I dreamt of him.'
'This is turning more and more into a Freudian play, but go ahead. Tell the good doctor your dream.'
I glared at him but started anyway. 'We were underwater. I was happy. He swam to me and pulled me closer, told me to take off my shirt. He was so...' I wandered off and stared at the foliage and the dancing sunlight. It reminded me of the sun on the waterplants.
'Dreamy?'
'Naked.'
'Oh my dear boy, you're far gone.'
'Am I?'
'You tell me.'
'Anyway, before he could... touch me any further I was pulled to the surface and I woke up.'
'If that's not clear as water, I don't know what is.'
'Indulge me, Siegfrid.'
'You're underwater. A dreamworld, a refuge. Water often stands for emotions, things the rational mind won't allow. You are happy there, in your underwater refuge, away from the real world and everyone else. He comes to you. He chooses you, if you will. He is naked and invites you to take of your clothes. I don't believe that needs explaining. But just when it's about to get interesting, something pulls you back up. Out of your reverie, away from him.'
'Hm, enlightening.'
'Hardly. Who pulled you out of the water?'
'No one, I just shot straight up, like a balloon.'
'Oh, this is good.' He said, laughing.
'What?' I asked, annoyed.
'You pulled yourself out.'
I let myself fall on the ground, looking up at the leaves and the light. Shifting my head I saw Edward, leaning back on one hand, smiling contentedly.
'Why didn't I just swim away then, if I wanted out?'
'You didn't, but your antiquated morals did.'
Another pause, I had to admit he was insightful. Or I was transparent.
'To hell with morality.'
'Absolutely.'
The talk with Edward had made some things clear, but complicated matters. I couldn't act upon my desire, he was my teammate. I didn't know him well enough to know what he would do. It wouldn't be very nice though, of that I was almost sure.
For the next two weeks I spent time with him every day. Those were very strange hours, charged with sexual anticipation and fear. The need to be his friend, and the knowledge that I needed to hold a certain distance for my own good. For I had decided that enamored as I might be, it would wear off and eventually disappear. Edward didn't agree. According to him, it was pure masochism that kept me from acting. He offered to show me where on campus I could hook up at night with some random stranger. "to get it over with", as he called it. He assured me that if it didn't satisfy me, at least it would break the spell Thom had on me. I refused. Although I was horny as hell, especially after my daily workouts, I wasn't about to throw myself into the bushes and their incognito satisfaction. As a result though, and Edward did have a point, I came to link Thomas with the resolve of my sexual ambiguity. And downward into the spiral I went. The more I tried to have a normal relationship with the guy, the more smitten I became. It didn't help that he himself seemed totally unaware of the situation and happily innuendoed away. Call it collegiate banter, I called it torture. He would tease me about my body, he made sure to touch me often enough during our training sessions. When we rowed together in a two seater he would get out of his seat to correct my posture or grip or movement. Sliding real close up to my back, his hands over mine on the oars slowly showing me the right way to do it. Because of the warm weather we rowed shirtless and his hot skin on mine made me swelter. I felt his muscles moving against mine, his breath on my neck, the scent of his sweat. More than often it got the better of me and I boned up, very prominently outlined in my training shorts it was hard to miss. But he never commented on it. At first I thought it was out of discomfort, but then he wouldn't keep instructing me the way he did. After that I considered it out of a sense of courtesy and tact. Over those two weeks we had become friends and he probably didn't want to wreck anything. After our training sessions I would come home and Edward went for a stroll so I could wack off. I thought of it to be very considerate.