This story is a work of fiction and any resemblances to any real person or written works are purely coincidental. That said, there will be many parts that are based on my personal experiences, I just won't say which. I retain all rights to the work, and requests that in any use of this material that my rights are respected. Please do not copy or use this story in any manner without my permission. It may contain consensual sex between young men, or at least thoughts of it. You've found this site like the rest of us so the assumption is that material of this nature does not offend you. If it does, or it is illegal for you to view this content for whatever the reason please just keep on passing by.
As always, please read of your own free will, and direct any positive comments, constructive criticism or general feedback to: phantomscorpio77@gmail.com.
In the Shadows of Our Lives - Part 1 -- On Broken Wings I Sleight of Hand, Twist of Fate
February 29, 2000. Dear Journal:
I turn to you because I have nothing else. I'm all alone. I hurt so bad. You have no idea how bad.
Two weeks ago all the happiness in my life got ripped away. I've died. Not literally obviously, but I sometimes wish I had. It would be easier than this. No, I haven't contemplated methods of suicide or anything like that; don't be silly! But I have thought a lot that not being alive would beat this hurt and pain and anger that I currently feel.
I HATE DANIEL!
No. No, I don't.
I could never, not ever, hate Daniel. These tears I'm crying tell me that.
Tears. They're almost all I have of him. For all the time we carefully spent together all I have of Daniel is a rough draft English essay on post Neo-Classical authors, a stuffed Tigger, and his Calvin Klein boxer briefs from one night when he stayed over. I wish I hadn't washed them now, if they only could have forever left me a lingering sense of Daniel. And Bandit, my puppy and new best friend by default, is indirectly from him.
We were so cautious! We never spent enough time together as we wanted so that people wouldn't get suspicious. We never wrote notes or letters. We never bought each other anything besides Timon and Tigger. Well now, that's not true either. I have this box in front of me. Its metallic red wrapping paper is neatly bound in silver and pink ribbon with a white bow. I can hardly believe how impressive it looks. I spent so much time on it. I know we weren't supposed to get each other anything for Valentine's Day, but I just had to. I risked the embarrassment of going to the department store and buying a pair of red and white 2xist sports briefs for him. I know he would have loved then. I know he would have seen what it took for me to risk buying a pair of underwear that were clearly too small for me. I know he loves me, I know he would have loved me all the more for my effort despite breaking our promise of no gifts. Journal, I've dripped so many tears on the attached card that the gel ink has run to the point that now I can no longer even make out Daniel's name on it. It doesn't really matter now, but do you know what's really in that box? My heart.
At first Journal, there was the physical attraction. I had to know him the first day I laid eyes on him in grade 9. Then when he walked into the music store at lunch that one day, I just had to say something to him. I was so nervous, I acted so dumb.
Nearly a year later, I was so afraid that day when I told him in the gym bathroom that I was gay. Maybe I was too vague. When he didn't clue in I wanted to die. How could I put myself out on a limb any further than that? But he knew then, I just had a feeling he knew. Sure it was just luck that we met, that he knew Michael. I met Michael through my friend Phil, and subsequently Daniel through Michael.
But c'mon, I mean he knew I was touching his leg at Michael's birthday sleepover a few weeks before hand, and I totally gave myself away even then by pleading with him that I wasn't gay and for him not to tell anyone. It really messed me up even more when he didn't rat me out or make fun of me, or even avoid me. So instead I started avoiding him. What did it mean that he didn't say or do anything differently? Did he keep quiet because he was embarrassed? Because he was disgusted and had blocked it out? Could he possibly be O.K. with it, like not O.K. that I touched him, but O.K. that I'm a fag? Then my hopeful mind dared to go hog-wild on a long shot he was O.K. with it because maybe he was gay too. But again I was so afraid when I went over to his house that night and laid it all out to him.
I don't know how I ever really managed to. On the one hand if he wasn't cool with it my life would have just plain and simply been over. My heart would have died. And then on top of that if he told anyone? Still my head was such a mess because of how I felt about him I just couldn't deal with it any more. It wasn't out of some hope that he would want me too that I told him. I had to clear my head and talk to someone about how I felt and he's the only person I thought might not hate me because I was gay. My head was such a mess, I needed someone else to hopefully tell me that it's O.K., that I wasn't a bad person for it. I sure wasn't able to do it for myself anymore.
Bouncing up and down like a jack rabbit on his couch I managed to force the words out of my mouth. Instantly I wanted to run, I think I actually thought then about killing myself when he just looked blankly at me. You see, we only knew each other on the surface at the time, but still Daniel was my best friend. He was my soul mate. I risked everything I am to tell him I'm gay. I really thought that maybe, just maybe he would still be alright with me. I thought maybe I could have one real person to talk to, one real person to know me and let me live. And then he gives me more than I ever dared get my hopes up for, not more than I wished for, but more than I would let myself dream of.
After tackling me at his door he told me he's gay too. But that's not all Journal, he told me that he thought he liked ME! I was so scared from the tackle that I was near pissing myself when he told me that he thought he was in love with me! It didn't even register at first, but I made no move to leave as I was still frozen in fear on his steps. When I finally understood my heart exploded from its prison. I've never felt such a flood of emotion in my life before or after that moment. Not even when I was told my Dad had died I think, though that was a long time ago now and I don't really remember as clearly as I'd like. Nope, I've never felt such a flood of emotion that is until two weeks ago. I can't believe how good it was to not be the only one. I can't believe how good it was to just be real. I could handle not having the relationship I think, but I can't handle not having him. Now there's no one like me. Again, I'm all alone in this world.
But Journal, it was never about the sex. For the few times we had sex I was always so nervous; we were both so awkward. Sure it got better as we got more comfortable with ourselves and each other. Still, I think we both only did anything together for fear that the other might not be happy otherwise. I don't know. But as open and honest as we were, I could never ask Daniel If I'm right about that.
No Journal, what it was all about is that he was someone that instantly made me feel good. Sure he's a little hottie, and I wanted him so bad just for his looks, but it was much more than physical. He is such a strange blend of a level headed, kind hearted, funny, good looking teenage guy. He became my best friend, my soul mate, the one person that I dared complete honesty with, and the only person I could be completely free with. And now he's gone.
Arrrgh!
Journal, the finger of pain has turned upon itself and lately I just can't seem to find a way to endure.
Why? Why does life have to be so cruel? Mom's definitely worried about me. I had to stop using tissues because we haven't gone so many boxes in the house since Dad fell asleep at the wheel and drove his rig into the side of that bridge and died. I've cried a river, and there's still more. Why can't I be happy in life?
Tim has been real nice to me since the party two weeks ago. So has Neil. He walked home with me from Daniel's that night, as I cried the whole way. They have tried to comfort me. They've tried to get me to stay with them at lunch, and do things after school. Let me clarify that, when I go to school that is. I shouldn't blow them off, but I need to just be alone. I need to be away from everyone so they won't see my pain. I can't ever show my true self again. What does it get me? Where does it get me? No, I have to pretend again, no cracks in my guard this time. It's just that I'm not ready for that battle just yet. Hell, I don't know if I ever will be again. The best part of me has gone along with Daniel to St. Louis.
It's Friday night. Today's Leap Day. All over the world today random people are celebrating their unfortunate birthday. I wish I was one of them. I certainly feel like a celestial joke lately so why not be born on one? I'm holed up here in my room staring at a computer screen through my new companion; my never faraway tears. I'd stare at a picture of Daniel through these tears, but I don't have one.
Coach Maynes came by tonight. He talking with Mom right now, I'm sure she's super pissed. Now I don't feel safe here at home either. I know I've missed too much school again lately, I know that Coach Maynes won't tell Mom I'm gay. But she'll be on to me now. I just know it.
I hate this life! I hate this fucking cruel world.
And Daniel! Daniel, Daniel, Daniel. Why haven't you signed onto MSN, returned an email, or called me Daniel? I love you! I know I do, because I don't know what can hurt more than not having you. This pain! It's not just mental pain and anguish, it's so real that it's also physical. It's in my chest, in my stomach, it's in my tears.
I'm so alone.
L8er Journal, Jon.
).:.(<<
"Jonathan Farrows! Open this door and let me in. NOW." Mom bellowed, waking me from my tear induced sleep in the chair at the computer. I must have just nodded off. And with that, not willing to risk my Mom's ire, I let her in.
"Honey, I know you're the youngest and still miss your father. I know that you have a hard time making friends. But that nice man from your school paid me a friendly visit just now. He says that you have been skipping classes a lot since your friend moved. He tells me you are a lot like his sons and wishes that he could have been more than a cheque for them. He's quite worried about you Jonny. He also said that you have a few friends that are worried about you too. They're waiting down by the park, why don't you get out of the house for a change and go see them?"
"Nah Ma. I'm not really up to it right now. Just let me be? Kay?"
"I can't do that Jonny. I'm going out for coffee with Larry, and Candace and Lacey are having a girls sleep over tonight and you should be out of the house for them until later tonight. It's Leap Day, make it special Jonny. As for school, we'll talk about that tomorrow when you get home from work. Don't you forget; you know I won't."
What gives? I've got Coach Maynes rounding up nosy people to pry into my life? And that too, Coach Maynes coming around again to talk to my Mom. Just what gives there? Mom was going for coffee with Coach for a while last year. Or should I say Larry? Now they're starting it up again? What a twist there! And she's trying to brush it off! Like seriously, what's going on here, what's up with that? I need some time to rationalize this. I can see if they have something to talk about, like me for instance, it might interfere with girls night at the Farrows residence. But still, it was the way Mom said to me that she was going out for coffee with someone. I couldn't think of a way to turn it on her though, she had all the leverage she needed. Promising on everything I hold dear to my mother, just to avoid her walking me by the hand to the park, I went straight to the park to find Tim, Neil and Tania there. Of course, in walking straight to Freed Park I did take my sweet ass time.
"Hey Jon," Tania said.
"Hey Jon," Neil and Tim echoed.
"Hi," I sullenly responded.
"For what it's worth Jon, we're sorry for Coach coming over. He pretty much forced us to come along. Not that we wouldn't do it for you, but you know, just want you to know that this was his doing. So don't be mad at us, alright. As soon as Coach leaves, you can go if you want. But if you want, we all can just hang out, maybe talk about Daniel. We all miss him, Jon. Or if you don't want to talk about him then we won't talk about him." Tania tried to comfort me, embracing me in a hug.
Trying to add support, Tim said, "Hey Jon, he was our friend too. He's just moved, that's all. We should be happy that it's just that. It's not like he died."
In the ensuing silence, not for the first time, I selfishly thought that in fact for me it might be easier had he dies than simply not being able to have him.
We all sat there on the grass on a side of a slight hill in the park, under the shade of a tree reflecting inwardly on Tim's comment.
Tania and Tim finally broke the silence. Pretty much at the same time Tania asked, "Has anyone heard from him since he left?", and Tim asked me directly, "What was that crap Neil told me about his uncle saying something about him being gay and all about anyhow?"
I didn't feel overly social and opted not to respond. Neil snapped his fingers in front of my face, "Earth to Jon, this is Houston, Jon do you copy? (long pause) Uh, Mission Control, this is Houston, I think we've got a problem here!"
Tim laughed at Neil's joke, Tania scowled.
Neil pressed on, "Well this is boring. We were heading over to Moody Park, there's a little carnival or some shit going on. Wanna come Jon? I'll be holding Tania's hand, but I'm sure Tim wants his held on the rides too, so why don't you come, Jon?"
Tim pretend punched Neil in the arm and Tania scoffed. I sucked up all the phlegm I could in a loud disgusting display and spit as nonchalantly as I could. I didn't want to be stubborn, and actually I usually went to the annual carnival there so kinda wanted to go, but I still was in a mood. Tania grabbed my right hand and Tim and Neil lifted me up. I guess they weren't taking my non-reply seriously, or even under consideration. So into Tim's Mustang we got and headed to Moody Park.
Sitting in the front so that Tania and Neil could be the cutesy little couple in the back seat, I actually found it rather ironic that the name of the park fit me perfectly at the time, and even more so because Moody is a pet name at home for me by my sisters. I figured that this gave me liberty to change the station because it had some crappy 90's alternative-rock teenage-angst song on it, especially because the back seat drivers were loudly complaining about it. Neil made a sound of shock when I did so, I quickly gathered the no one touches Tim's stereo. Oh well, I kept flipping through the channels until I landed on my favourite rock station. Tim let it slide.
We actually had a good time at the carnival, me despite myself. I guess I let myself get caught up in the moment because I felt a glimmer of life again. On our way home Tim dropped Tania and Neil off at her place and then drove to my place. When we got there, Coach's truck was in the driveway. I could see Neil and Tania moving quickly, they were teenagers, but Coach and my Mom? Lots of lights were still on, the back patio was lit and the flood light was still illuminating the pool. Mom and Coach could be out back, but what if they're not. And even if they are, what are they doing out back? Suddenly I was fairly apprehensive about going home, I surely didn't want to go inside, and Tim sensed it. Instead we went to a 24 hour Golden Arches.
I felt mixed up inside. Against my plans I had actually had fun with Tim, Neil and Tania. I had wanted to let myself go, but I still managed to hold back. I wondered if this was some big set up or were they just nice people. I mean I knew them, but never thought of them as my friends; more of Daniel's I guess. I'm sure we had exchanged numbers along the way in the past, I'm equally sure I've thrown them out because I've never used them. So tonight had my head spinning, I mean people aren't usually just nice without a reason.
Studying my Fish Filet, I sat in silence while Tim tried to figure out a way to crack me. So I took the initiative, thwarting whatever line of questions he was working on.
"He's not gay you know. They sent him to St. Louis for nothing. Make his life easier for him? Yeah right. I'm sure if he were gay St. Louis wouldn't be any easier than it is here in Houston. It's just his bitch mom is so fucking hard on him. You know? She swears she'll kick him out if he's messing around with girls, knocking then up and stuff, but at the same time she nagged him about why he doesn't have a girlfriend. And we all know football was his life and she never gave him any encouragement or support. She just showed up at games from time to time because she wanted to look like a good mother."
Tim was a good listener I found, not trying to attack me with questions or question me at all, he just let me tell him what I had to say and offered his genuine thoughts, "Neil told me what his uncle said. Anyone can be gay. Not that I overly think Daniel is, I guess. I mean he easily could be; it never really mattered to me. Or Neil either for that matter. But still, he and you get accused of it behind your backs just like Neil and I do, just because we're good friends. Fuck 'em all is what I say. People have nothing better to do than spread this rumor or that, and because he was so small, but still probably the best athlete they had to attack his manhood instead. I know Michael was your friend but I never liked that ass. I'm not at all sorry for helping break his face."
"Why's that?" I asked, but I was more concerned with what people were saying about me at school. I felt my stomach turn when Tim suggested that Daniel is gay, and it got violently worse when he said people were talking about us.
"Cuz he's fake, you know? He's not that good at football, not that good at school, not that good with the girls, so he's always putting someone down to make himself look good. I don't honestly know how you ever could tolerate being around that ass, Farrows."
"I met him through his cousin Phil. Phil and I were best friends until he moved to a better neighbourhood in grade 9 and forgot all about us. And then because I don't play any sport really, I guess Michael was my link to Daniel and the guys. He was an alright guy when it was just us, until he fried his head and attacked Daniel."
"I guess, never saw it that way."
"So is everyone talking about me at school now? I've been in such a daze even when I'm there." I didn't explain that, and Tim didn't ask for any. Still I guess it's almost an admission of sorts somehow that obviously I am hung up on Daniel, but Tim let it slide, never forcing the issue.
"Yeah, people think you've flipped your lid or something. Like you're mental or something. But honestly? Fuck 'em. Who cares what people think. It's just like the time Debbie Van De Berg spread the rumor about Rice and you holding hands. You've still got friends you know; you can hang with Tania, Neil or me any time you know. We're cool with you."
It felt good to talk to Tim, not that I was being totally honest. But what was that last comment supposed to mean? They're cool with me? Cool with what? Was Tim suggesting that I'm gay? Could I just float it out there and see what reaction I get? He did after all point out that he and Neil were also rumoured. I know Neil is with Tania, but Tim and Jenna Scott broke up. Maybe he's gay like me and she was just for show? No, I have to pretend as always that I'm straight, but it's not much effort when it's what I've always done.
I was stalling as I didn't want to go home yet because the whole Coach-with-my-mom thing was bugging the hell out of me. She'd be sure to pry the instant I walked in the door, so I started brooding over the trouble Coach stopping by would be causing me. Mostly though, I think my sullen anger was a distraction from my depression, and I didn't really want to deal with either situation.
Tim knew this right from the start, that why he offered to stay with me and drove to the McDonalds in the first place. Again, extending his hospitality he told me I could probably crash at his place. To get me to laugh he jokingly added that it was conditional on me not trying to put the moves on him. I laughed along because I wasn't sure if it was suggestion that I'm gay, or was he just joking like straight guys do? Surely if he really thought I was gay I wouldn't be invited to stay over. Mom, Dad, I brought a fag home and he's going to stay the night, kay? Arrrgh! The confusion!
We went by my place and I stuck a note on a McNapkin through the mail slot in the front door, telling my Mom where I was and giving her Tim's cell phone number. When we got to Tim's it was almost 2 in the morning. We were both tired as he led me to his room. Tim has a queen size bed that he offered to share with me. He told me to sleep however I felt comfortable as he kicked off his jeans and toed off his socks. He hopped in bed with his t-shirt still on and printed boxers, and then stripped off the shirt after he switched the light off. Not my type at all I tried to tell myself, he still has a nice body; about 6' tall, maybe 6'1" with a thick solid build. No fat on him, no heavily defined muscles, but not a toothpick either by any means.
Nevermind, he's totally my type. I just tell myself he isn't because I don't want to crunch on him. In my eyes Tim is totally your Abercrombie and Fitch type model looking guy with brown eyes and sandy blonde hair. I instantly felt the pangs of betrayal as I thought of my Daniel. Here I was hopping into another guy's bed, with that other guy. Even if it was completely plutonic, I felt like I was somehow cheating. Cheating Daniel and myself. I took off my pants and t-shirt, folded them, and hoped into Tim's bed in my tank top undershirt, boxer-briefs and socks.
Tim slapped me on the chest, said "good night buddy" and rolled onto his side, his back facing me.
"Thanks again Tim, I really appreciate tonight," I said back and then listened in silence as he drifted off to sleep.
When I was sure he was asleep I finally let myself cry. Yes, I do cry from time to time even if I am a guy, and boys don't cry and all that stuff. I just try not to ever let anyone see it when I get so overwhelmed. Silently I cried again for Daniel and eventually slipped into a fitful sleep. I would wake, and sensing a body beside me I'd instinctively reach for Daniel, only to startle Tim and then come to my senses. My family thinks it's cute, and I can't control it, but when I just wake up I always need a few moments to catch my bearings.
I woke up on my side at one point with a dead weight on my ribs and when I came to my senses I realized it was Tim's arm over me and his hand was wedged in my lower armpit, clutching my chest. I didn't want to do anything to wake him, so I perversely stayed still as long as I was awake, breathing in the slightly lingering scent of his cologne, remembering what it was to hold Daniel and be held by him. I justified it by thinking I was saving Tim the awkward embarrassment of waking him and alerting him to the fact that he was cuddling with me.
I had woken up at least 10 times by the time the morning sun was too bright to ignore it poking through Tim's window. The hum of the air conditioner was replaced by his younger brothers and sister and their Saturday morning cartoons, pierced by their dog barking out back when he finally woke. We were pretty far apart on his bed at this point and I had to take a piss in the worst way, but hadn't stirred because I didn't want to wake him. Once he woke I made a bee-line for his ensuite bathroom. I think I could have done damage to the plumbing I had to go so bad!
Walking out of his bathroom I noticed he had made the bed, except for the pillows which sat on top of it. I couldn't help but notice the marks my salty tears had left on the navy blue pillow case of the one that I had obviously used. He didn't say anything, he just put a reassuring hand the back of my neck, patted me on the shoulder and then slapped me on the chest. Slipping on a pair of tear-aways and a new t-shirt he offered to drive me home. I accepted.
In the car Tim was again supportive, "Hey man, I know you're heads swimming and you probably don't know what ways up half the time any more. We're all bummed that Daniel's gone so I won't force that any further, whatever bond you guys had, just be thankful that you had that. True friends are hard to find. But your Mom and the Coach? I can see that that's something you're not even ready to deal with, so if it ever gets too much I'm sure you can crash here man. My parents are cool like that."
"Thanks again Tim. Thanks to you and Neil and Tania. Thanks for last night, and for letting me crash. I really appreciate that." I genuinely said.
Laughing, Tim added, "And it's not like you put the moves on me or anything like people think you would. I guess what I am trying to say is that Neil and I don't think you're gay or whatever. If you need a friend Jon, just call me. O.K.?"
"I don't even have your number." I remembered and said so as Tim pulled into my driveway.
"Sure you do, we swapped numbers like a year ago. Plus, it's on the note you left your Mom last night. Like I said, use it any time you want to."
I promised I would, and really meant it as I got out of his car. For a few fleeting minutes this morning I forgot my pain and heartache over Daniel. Looking up the empty driveway I sighed and headed towards the house. Staring into the empty car port I tried to think back how long it had been since we had a car. Man, after coming from Tim's house I suddenly felt poor. He had a nice house, his own car, you know, everything. And here we were, all five of us working just to meet the bills we had on our tiny little house in the run-down neighborhood. I soon got to wondering how late Coach had stayed over. I wondered where he lived. I was falling back into my depression again by the time I put my key in the lock and opened the door. I turned to shout at Tim, remembering that at some point in the night it hit me that if he came over for a swim I could stall my talk with Mom for a while, maybe indefinitely. But no luck, as I turned Tim was already on the street, shifting into first gear and pulling away.
Trying to avoid my Mom I slipped into the house and into my room unnoticed, changed into a pair of beach shorts and headed outside to the pool. It was a warm February and the water had stayed in the mid 70's. I got down on myself once I hopped into the pool. You see, I had selfishly switched shifts for a couple weeks off from the restaurant and the music store at the mall to pout, when instead I should have been making money for the house and to try and get the pool fixed. So here I was in said pool when I really should have been at one of my two jobs instead.
I didn't get much quiet time before Candace, Lacey and their friends were all up and making a racket in the kitchen. Sitting on the deck and contemplating life all over again, I got startled when Deanna snuck up on me. Getting close to noon, she was stopping by for lunch with Mom, me and the girls. Technically she lives with us still, but I think that is out of guilt to help Mom and us keep the house bills covered. Otherwise I think she would have fully moved in with her boyfriend Scott a long time ago. But with Mom working two cruddy jobs, Candace and Lacy both working, and me now working two jobs too I think she'd feel too guilty not supporting Mom. But such is life without a quote-unquote bread winner.
"Hey Jonathan Jr. What's up? Your buddy leave you or something?" Deanna was the only person that referred to me by that name, mostly around home I'm Jonny or Moody. I think I caught a little extra emphasis put on the `your buddy' part.
Visibly recoiling from the words I snapped back, "Yeah. His bitch mom sent him to live with another of his uncles in St. Louis. Thanks for caring."
"Oh Jonny, I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know that. I was trying to joke about Bandit actually." She was honestly mortified for her previous words.
"Yeah. Well. Life's just great that way. It's all a cosmic joke and I'm the punch line."
"How about your other friend. The big oafy guy? Phil's cousin? You haven't had him around much lately either I hear. Have a falling out with him too or something? You just seem so bummed lately." Deanna really cares; I have to say she's a great big sister. I'm closest to her probably because despite Candace being only two years older than me and Lacey one year older, those two are always so close that it often just left us. But still, even though she's almost 10 years older than me she always treats me like I matter.
"Nah, I hate Michael, he's an ass just like Phil turned out to be. In fact, he's the reason Daniel got sent away. He came after Daniel with a bat at a Valentine's party we were at and Daniel's mom freaked and she and his uncle shipped him off. They say St. Louis will be easier for him than it is here in Houston. I kinda really miss him. I'm just bored and I guess lonely without him around."
Dee revealed to me that she had the 411 on the whole situation just in case I planned on avoiding the truth, "Yeah I know what you mean. That's a bummer. Candance also told me one of your Principals stopped by last night on official business. She and Lacey think you're in trouble or something. Are you?"
"Nah. I've skipped a bit of school but I don't think it's all that important. Did she also tell you that Ma went on a date with that teacher yesterday? Coach Maynes, remember him?" I was tired of being examined and exposed so I changed the subject as deftly as I could.
"Coach Maynes? Yeah, the football guy right? Has a son?" She asked.
"Yup. That's the one, except I think his son is gay. That's what I hear anyhow. Doesn't that bother you?" I floated that out there to see if I could get a reaction out of her and gauge what it was.
She didn't take my bait though, instead she remarked, "Well if memory serves me he's pretty good looking, not too old, and single. Ma could do a lot worse than him."
"Yeah, but when has Ma dated? She always here, it's always just been her and us it seems. She's just, you know, Ma." It sounded childish to me even as I said it.
Deanna admonished me and then headed inside, "Jonny! Don't be selfish! She's been alone a long time now. She has to start thinking about herself sometime. I say good for her if she's seeing him again!"
I raised my voice in surprise, "Seeing him again? What-what?"
"They were having coffee weekly for about a year I think. He always wanted to take her out but she kept it to coffee mostly. Didn't you notice when she started growing her hair out and started wearing make up again?"
"Um no, not really. I guess not. Wow, really?"
"Yeah, she really likes him. She glows when she talks about him. Speaking of glowing, don't work on your melanoma for too long, it is only the first of March."
Shortly after that Mom came outside for our talk. "Jonny, tell me what's going on with you? Why are you skipping school? And you're almost always working Saturday mornings now, except for this and last week. I know your friend's gone, your vice-principal told me all about it. Why didn't you tell me?"
"I dunno, guess I thought it didn't really matter too much or would cause this much of a fuss." I still tried to avoid the full on interrogation.
"If it didn't matter that much then why are you late for school, late for classes and have skipped off at some point nearly every day the past two weeks. Plus you've switched your shifts at work. As for the fuss? Your Principal says the school is concerned and he's acting in the role of a concerned friend in talking with me about it. So why don't you just start from the beginning young man and don't give me the runaround."
O.K. My cover's blown, I've got no choices. Mom can be very persuasive when she wants to be. I'm not going to make her pull it out of me because if she's persuasive, she's even more persistent. She has done quite well getting what she wants out of people in my lifetime.
I'm not going to fight it anymore, "Kay. Yeah, Ma. My friend's mom and uncle sent him to another uncle's to stay in St. Louis. I'm pissed off at them. I miss him, and I'm mad that he's just left me behind and hasn't called or anything. I'm bored and lonely. I'm confused too. And my other so called best friend was the reason that he's gone; Michael attacked Daniel with a bat at a party. And now Daniel's gone and I'm all alone without any friends because I don't ever want to speak to Michael again. And before them Phil was my only real friend, and he's long gone too. Haven't seen him in well over a year. Best friends since I can remember. We grew up 30 feet apart until they moved away and now he never visits or returns a call. He's only like 20 minutes away and I pass his place every time I go to work at the restaurant. Probably got better friends in his better neighborhood now. We swore we'd be best friends forever. So there you go, that's it Ma. I'm a big fat looser, and it's just me feeling sorry for myself. Kay?"
"Oh my Jonny, I'm so sorry," She said, trying to soothe me.
I let a little more out before clamming up, "I've always likened myself to a lone wolf. Not an ugly duckling or anything like that, not an outcast. Just a lone wolf that hasn't found his pack in this world yet."
Ever forceful and open, Mom just came out and lectured me, "You shouldn't bottle it all up though. You keep too much inside that head of yours. You never let people know what's going on inside of it. One day you're going to explode."
"I had someone to share those thoughts with Ma. He's gone now. Get it?" I offered, little more than a whisper.
"What about your other friends? What about the group you were with yesterday?" Mom pressed.
"What about them? They're alright I guess. But I don't really know them too well. They were Daniel's other friends, not mine." I reasoned.
Where I reasoned, she rationalized, "Well that may be, but they seem to care enough about you to come over with Larry and take you out. They seem nice enough to offer to help you out at school. And that boy was nice enough to let you spend the night at his house and drop you off this morning. Did you thank him Jonny? Did you thank his parents for having you over last night? I hope you did, I hope I've taught you at least enough manners to do that."
I told her the truth, "Yes Ma. I thanked him and told him I really appreciated his help and his caring. I didn't see his parents and I forgot to ask him to thank them for me."
"You make sure you do, the first opportunity you get to. You can be whatever you want to be in this life, but until you become that you are going to be my humble son. If you are genuine the world opens doors for you Jonny. You know that."
She started a whole other lecture that I could mimic word for word. Her take on life is that you have to always be kind to other people. It's a big part of her philosophy and religion. I know I miss church more times than not, but I can't recall the last time she did. Not even on vacation; if we couldn't go to a church she still made us have family time and keep to ourselves on Sunday's away from home. Blah, blah, blah, she was finishing up as my mind caught on Coach Maynes; Larry she called him. Ya, right. There it is again, what's going on between them? Yea me, more hurt.
Cutting her speech short, I interjected, "Hey Ma, why do you still call me Jonny. You've always called me that but I'm not a little boy anymore. I've gone by Jon since high school, can you please just start calling me that too, please? I know you think it's the thing to do here in Texas, but it just shows that you are a foreigner here even after all this time! You call me Jonny like that and it shows you come from the old neighborhoods in New York, and even the old bloodlines from the villa's in Italy. You sound like a true Wop, Ma. Like you're from Goodfellas or something. People would think I'm one too, when the only Italian I know comes from you and gangster movies."
"Alright, alright. My baby boy really is growing up. Jon. There! I'll try." Mom rolled her eyes at me and sounded the slightest bit hurt.
I ventured into dangerous territory. Dangerous because I didn't know how she would react and how I in turn would react to what she might say. In a playfully sarcastic tone I inquired, "So what's up with you and Larry?"
"He's a very nice man. Seems to have taken a keen interest in you and wants you to get back on track. That's what's up with him and me. But you, you have a growing puppy to take for a walk Jonny. I mean Jon. Take Bandit for a walk to the park. And brush him. He sheds almost as much hair as you skip classes. And clean up this yard, dogs don't clean up after themselves." I guess asking about Coach and her was off limits.
Figuring I was dismissed I put my shirt back on and got up. Before I reached the sliding door to go inside Ma stopped me with a question, "You're not the only lone wolf you know. Do you know why I'm here? Why a Wop, as you put it, is in the deep south of Texas?"
I answered what I always assumed was the reason, "For Dad's work."
"He was a newly minted trucker from Boston. I lived in New York City. He'd just got his license; he could be a trucker anywhere. I had nothing to hold me anywhere special either, and I was pregnant with Deanna. We wanted to start somewhere new. I wanted the west coast, or maybe the Carolinas. My name Jon. Your father loved my name. He thought with a name like Charlene I should be a queen in Texas. He's the one that thought we could assimilate into this place. I told him as long as we were near the ocean that anywhere was fine by me. So we planted ourselves here. On his long runs he'd call me his Lonely Star."
She continued, "And he's gone and all I have is this place and couldn't afford to start over back where I grew up. So I am misplaced, and to be honest I hate this place with a passion. But those are the lemons I was handed. I have to make the sweetest lemonade possible out of them. We don't fit in here, but I don't know where I fit. I've found a fondness to Larry, so maybe I belong here after all. You? Your head takes you to other places. I know that. The lone wolf needs to roam. You'd love New York or Los Angeles. But when you find your place Jonny, you will be as out of your element as I am. No matter how well you fit in to a new surrounding, as soon as you open your mouth you are a Texan. Just like I am a Wop in Texas. Now take your dog to the park. Bandit misses you, just listen to that whine."
I got Bandit's leash and brush and headed over to the park with him. He was a handful, but thanks To Daniel's uncle I had some control over him through the voice commands and treats I kept in my hand. When we got to the park I sat under the same tree as I had the night before and brushed Bandit. By the time I had more hair on me than could possibly be left on him, Bandit got excited by an approaching German Sheppard. Me, I got excited by the topless guy that was throwing the ball for the dog. I recognized him from the neighbourhood and school. He was a few years older I suppose, and had left for college somewhere, but I drooled over him momentarily before finally settling back into my heartache over Daniel. Sitting under that tree I made a point to myself that if I was going to pine over Daniel, I would have to be less obvious about it and just pretend to have moved on. You know, complete a circle and make the lie whole again. Me gay? Me? Nope sorry, you've got the wrong closet case. I mean guy, you've got the wrong guy!
[to be continued]
).:.(<<
Note to the reader:
So there it is; the first part of a new story. Phew! I hope the transition in main characters goes over well as Jon is a character I've found much easier to `wear'. In this ever changing world I am working on this story as time and life permit me to. Therefore in all likelihood there's a good chance that there will be longer lapses of time between new parts. So keep checking, or if you like I can send blind emails when I've posted new parts to this story; just let me know and I can add you to my list.
Have I mentioned yet that I love feedback? Drop me a line if you have anything you want to say or ask, or want me to add you to a blind list. phantomscorpio77@gmail.com. I will try to respond to all, but out of respect, please be >18.