Copyright © 2011 by Jaden Lane, All Rights Reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording , or by any information storage and retrieval storage system, without permission in writing from the copyright owner. (Permission to post electronically is given to www.nifty.org and its affiliated mirror sites only.)
This story is a work of fiction. Any resemblances to any person, place, or written works are purely coincidental. It may contain consensual sex between young men. Do not read if you find that objectionable or if it is illegal for you to view this content for whatever the reason.
I would still love to hear what your thoughts are! Your comments are always greatly appreciated, write me anytime @ phantomscorpio77@gmail.com :)
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In the Shadows of Our Lives Part 2 - Wings of Tomorrow IV ~ A Love Made Just For Two [Believe In Love] ~
"Maybe we ran the lights, somehow we caused a scene? Maybe we learn to fight, as part of a routine? Maybe we jumped the wall, suddenly tipped the scale? Maybe we tried too hard, so afraid to fail?"
Always the Pretenders, by Europe
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PAUL
As we turn away from Nat and Tim and head in the direction of my car, I pleading state, "So hey, uh...I'd kinda like to get outta here. All these eyes on us are killing me."
Jon smiles, "No prob."
After a cursory glance behind the stage to make sure Daddy took everything home, I hop into the car and unlock the passenger door for Jon. Here goes nothing, as he slips into the seat beside me I scan out the windows from left to right and stop my search at him and float out there, "I guess you've figured out I like you?"
Softly laughing, Jon straightens a leg, pushing his foot against the floorboard and his back into the seat as far as it will allow him. Nervously kneading his eyebrows with the thumb and forefinger of his right hand, his unsteady voice brimming with hope and a little caution makes my heart melt all over again, "What took you so long?"
I fumble with my car key, taking two tries to get it into the ignition. My voice isn't quite my own as I force the words past what feels like my heart pounding in my throat, "What do you mean?"
If at all possible, it looks like he's trying to sink even further into his seat. His right hand is still on his temple and brow. His left hand is on his leg by his knee, giving wide berth to the gearshift. His fidgeting pinky and ring fingers are curled tightly into his palm. His thumb is holding them in place while his middle finger and index finger pull at a loose thread from the hem of his cargo shorts. Somehow it calms me a little to see he's as nervous as me. He looks to the ceiling of the car and shrugs, "Like you haven't noticed the way I drool over you! I don't know, maybe you didn't. I mean, I didn't think I was that obvious. I'm told otherwise, but maybe I'm right."
I turn slightly in my seat to face him, stopping my eyes on the collared tee-shirt that hugs his body tighter than any shirt he normally wears. He's a little more slender than I picture him; no fat and maybe the slightest hint of a physique showing. Now it's my turn to show I'm nervous by rubbing beneath my eye as I reveal, "I second guessed that. I never second guess myself, but I second guess everything about you thousands of times over."
Still looking to the ceiling of the car, Jon rolls his head back more and laughs, visibly relaxing in the seat. Reaching his closed hand over, he taps my leg gently a couple times and shares, "Don't I know that feeling. It is without a doubt the most time consuming aspect of my life!"
I can feel a stupid grin forming, just from seeing him here in my car beside me. We look at each other and smile, both starting to laugh. I want to kiss him, but I am not going to risk it no matter how dark it is here in my car, behind the music pavilion and under the cover of a big weeping willow tree. He is on the same wave length. We tenderly touch hands for just an instant and then I have my hand back on the keys, turning over the ignition.
Almost under my breath as I start the car, I hope really he doesn't even hear my worry, but I just have to say it, "I'm not looking for just a hook-up."
He manages to hear my murmur and returns my fear, "Good. I'd surely drown in a river of tears this time if that's all you wanted me for."
Damn! Those are just the words I needed to hear! I pop the car into reverse and start to get moving, "Where to?"
"We can go to a fast food place maybe, or like, Denny's? Or back to my place -no pressure - not like to do anything, or you know... Just to sorta chill and talk," He suggests, then shyly adding, "I would like to kiss you maybe."
Shifting into first, and then second I ask, "You sure? Is it safe? Tim knows all about this doesn't he? He set this up once he knew I was going to be here didn't he?"
"Yeah. I won't lie; he knows. He even forced me to wear this shirt for the mystery man he was dragging me to. Neil Anderson and Tania Crosby know about me, and Nat probably does too. But only Tim knows that I have a thing for you. Well maybe not. Outside of a couple friends, our old buddy Kevin also knows. He's the only one to worry about though."
I nod.
Jon focuses on the dashboard, "Neil knows I obsessed over you too, so I'm sure he and Tania know I like you. But I don't think they know about this. In fact I'm pretty sure they don't know about Tim and his little set-up plan this afternoon. I'll bet Nat doesn't know either - about Tim's plan to set us up today, that is - and I'm pretty sure she doesn't even know I like you because her brother is your friend, and we didn't want it getting back to me by way of another bat in the hands of a bigot if it got out that I like you. Hell, I didn't even know that Tim was setting me up with you until we were listening to you playing, and then Tim asked you to hang with us today."
I venture, "So, is your place safe, do you think? You live with V.P. Maynes don't you? Does he know? Is he cool with it? Your Ma and sisters, do they know? Are they all cool with you? They aren't going to spread the word? Not that they couldn't now if they wanted to anyhow."
"Yeah, it's probably as safe as anywhere," Jon says with a hint of doubt.
"That doesn't sound reassuring," I comment.
"No it's not that. My and Larry are cool with it. My sisters know, but none of them live at home anymore. It's just Tim and me for now. But he might try and bring Nat home, he denies it but he wants to bed her badly. I don't know how cool you'd be with her maybe being there too," Jon considers as his eyes dart away from my crotch when I catch him stealing a glance, "Oh, and just to put you at ease about that peanut shell thing Tim said back there; I know about you staring at guys' cupped crotches. Tim told me as a way of getting my ass off the sidelines and into the game. Knowing you look at guy's bulges is what gave me courage to feel yours. Very nice by the way."
"Oh God! That's what he was saying? Tim knows about that? You know too?"
"I do, and quite frankly you may have caught me admiring you in yours. Tim totally knows my fixation on, um, your baseball uniform, especially certain aspects...and you in it. But don't worry, he's kept my secret, and aside from telling me yours to convince me you may be on my team, he's kept yours."
Jon pauses and then apologizes, "I'm such a Cheesedick! Sorry! Just so you know, there's a lot more that attracts me to you than what's between your legs. I haven't even seen it and I know I'll like it, but that's not what I like you for. There's way more to like about you than that and your good looks. Like, way, way more! I'm just going to shut up now."
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JON
Damn, after just planting my foot firmly in my mouth like I'm prone to do, looking to the backseat and seeing a car seat and diaper bag scares me a little. The yellowish-orange school ball cap sitting on the car seat is more what Paul is about to me. A teenager on the verge of adulthood, not a father. Getting frisky in the backseat somewhere isn't really that easy when a baby seat is in the way, let alone a baby.
"I can't do this," Paul says while driving in the general direction of my house. To my silent heart imploding he continues, "I think this is all more than I can take."
Obviously he's just decided I'm shallow and only want him for my own vanity. Why did I just say that to him a few blocks back? I knew right then and there that that changed the mood in the car. Damn, I sure am stupid! This relationship is one for the record books, lasting all of what now, fifteen, maybe twenty minutes? Dejectedly I agree, "Kay. Just let me out here maybe, and I'll walk the rest of the way."
"No. Oh God no! Don't take it that way," Paul exclaims, his no' coming like a true Texan's naw' and God' as gawd'.
"Yeah sure. It's okay. I knew shouldn't have said that. Don't worry, I won't tell anyone, I promise. I'll forget anything ever happened."
"No! Please? Don't forget about tonight. Don't. It took everything. Just let me work it through. I want to be with you. I mean that. I'm just not ready to face Tim or Nat yet. That's all! You I can handle. One on one. Let me start there first? Just you and me? And what you said back there, it made my day! I have a thing for your body too, if it helps."
"Um, just so I have this right, you do want to date me?" I ask.
"Oh gosh yeah!" Paul stammers without hesitation. Then he pauses for a long moment before continuing on like balloon rapidly losing air, "Look, you must know how hard this is. But I think you've had a chance to live with it for a bit. You are the very first person I've ever even told, aside from apologizing to Belinda about it when she couldn't even talk yet. I don't want my family to ever know. Ever. I don't want people at school to know. I know Tim and Nat are your friends and I've known them both too for a while, but Tim not so closely anymore. Not close enough to share this secret with, even though I know he knows. Can we just keep it real slow and secret for now? I know all your friends will know in time, I just, I don't know. I guess I just need to let it all sink in. Okay? I mean, I know I'm, you know, gay. I definitely know that. I know I like you. A lot in fact. I don't have to come to terms with that. I just..."
I finish for him, "Feel vulnerable? Like all of a sudden because you've privately done something that everyone can see right through you to the person inside and see what you hide. That now everyone will look at you and see that you're gay. That everyone knows, and you're afraid, and don't know what to do. You really want to take it all back, even though you really don't. You're torn. You want this to be a dream, not a bad one, but a dream all the same because then you are safe with it contained only within you again. Haha. Been there, done that. Yeah, like every day of my life since I first told...someone. Oh yeah, I totally understand."
"Couldn't say it better myself," Paul agrees.
Phew! I thought I had misread the whole situation. I was sure after the long pause that he was going to say that he wants to see me but he's not going to. Or that he is straight and this all got out of control. Apparently not. This boy does go for boys. And the boy in his crosshairs is me!
"Yeah. Don't be mad. Please? Today is a huge step. I just need for it to be quiet. I'm sure they both know what's going on but I can't face them if they're back at your place. I really want to talk with you about this and everything. I want to hear all about how it was for you. But not today. I can't face Tim and Nat yet. Tuesday maybe. (nervous laugh) Now I know why you played hooky so much when you started dating Half-Way Rice."
Kay, so maybe I'm not the target of his heart after all. Maybe I am the target of his mind and he wants to use me, maybe not even consciously, to become comfortable with himself. I'm his Chris. Was there a roller coaster at the festival? I think there must have been. Oh no, wait. That's just my emotions that have been up, down, turned around, twisted upside down and thrashed from side to side. And we call that fun? The roller coaster that is. It's a total metaphor of our hearts.
Now this emotional roller coaster? I hate it! Why on earth would someone want to do this to themselves? Hmmm. Better answer him. Reassure him. I've left him hanging too long, "Sure. Believe me; I actually understand where you're coming from completely. It'll be our secret. I'll just tell Tim that I thought I had a chance with you so I took it and weaseled a ride with you. And then nothing happened; I chickened out. You were just being a nice guy to me is all. Like maybe some time we'll start hanging out or something."
Paul gets all choked up. Like if I could drive, I'd take over for him. Yeah, it's weighing on him that badly and I am mildly scared for my safety. He looks over at me, "I love you."
No, no you don't. You hardly know me. We all say it so freely, but I've known real love. I still ache from that bond. You like me. At best you lust me. Someday you too will see the difference. I just hope I'm still in the picture when you do. I don't love you, but there are so many things I love about you. But I'm not about to get into semantics and tell you just how you're wrong. Instead I respond in kind, "I love you too."
It's dark, Paul's driving down my street. I tell him to stop for a second as he's about to proceed through a stop sign by Freed Park. It's only one more stop sign before my house. I purposely choose this one because it's intersection is semi covered by a Weeping Willow. He looks over at me. I lean over towards him. I prop myself up in the seat to gain better leverage because he isn't leaning my way very far.
I look him in the eyes. They're intriguing; they seem almost reflective. So many things are dancing across his mind that I'm sure he is only half seeing me as he returns my gaze. Again, experience makes us wise. I'm not wise yet, I'm hardly experienced, but I've been in his shoes.
I reach closer and gently brush my lips to his. Just a very simple peck. He doesn't pull away, but he doesn't kiss back. His hand rubs my knee. I put my hand on his and kiss him again. This time it's electric. It lasts maybe all of two seconds, but it's wonderful.
I brush my tongue over his lips in a circle, his tongue pops out, they connect, we both pull them back in and then we press our lips firmly together and finally part. I kiss him on the forehead, pat his hand and sit back properly in my seat.
He gasps. It turns into a sigh. He smiles a huge smile. I smile back.
"Pull in there, we can talk for a few minutes if you want," I point to the little parking lot for Freed Park, the one by my house.
When Paul turns off the car he slumps down in his seat. He buries his face in his hands and then sighs, "Can you listen for a minute? Like just listen?"
"Kay," I agree, not liking where this may lead. What's the worst that can happen? I'm half a block from home. I can run from his car and deke into the woods. It's dark enough that I can lose him and then climb up to the tree house that Phil and I once tried to build. Maybe I can cry myself to sleep, fall out of it, break my neck and die.
"I'm having a bit of a hard time here. I just need to think out loud and for you to listen. Normally I'd talk to Belinda, she's a great listener. She hears everything I have to share, but you need to hear this and I need to get it out without interruption. Oh, and please excuse my thoughts if I disconnectedly ramble."
"Kay."
My heart sinks when he starts, "I gotta tell ya; I never wanted this to happen. I mean, I did, but I didn't. It's just that I can't throw this roadblock into the path of my life; this huge distraction between where I am now, and where I'm going. And yet, this is what I've wanted to do for so long now. All week after talking with Tim at Wal-Mart I've been a nervous wreck. It took me a minute to clue in that spending the afternoon together with him, you, and Nat was his set-up, and my perfect opportunity.
It took me even longer to realize that I could do this. The fuller size of you beside me, your weight pressing against me on the rides, felt so right compared to Stacey. Your soft breath on my cheek and neck, when you got too close. Your hopeful eyes darting away when we make eye contact, or quickly locking on mine when you realize I've caught them being naughty. Your hesitant voice. Your gentle touch. Your totally adorable and kissable, moist pink lips. And they all could be mine now. Finally!
But damn, that first step is a doozie! It's not that I want to take the moment back. It was perfect. Daring, but perfect! My dreamboat felt me up and made sure I knew. I returned the favour, and you intuitively caught on and kept it on the low down. And still the moment was everything I wanted it to be. I'm not particularly uncomfortable with the fact that I may have just nabbed my first boyfriend. It's been an inevitable reality of my life.
But here's the catch. That it happened now is not exactly by plan. You've thrown me off my big plan. Jon Farrows! You never knew I existed for the first two years of high school. I know I went through an ugly / awkward faze that some of us do, and that mine was worse than most, and lasted longer than many. Back in the day, I wouldn't have looked twice at myself either really, I'm just thankful my face isn't scarred from all the zits. I'll never know how she found me cute beneath it all, but at least I had the pseudo-safety of being with Stacey; who you know is Queen B's mother.
Belinda was the first modification to my plan and I'll get into all of that someday. But now the second major modification to my grand plan has just occurred. You.
So a few minutes ago, there I was; silently walking with you to my car. We've done this before, going for a walk to my car. You've been in it twice. Both times I resisted the urge to kiss you and profess my heart to you. Like, really fought it. I really don't know you that well, but I never had any doubt about which team you play for, no offence. I can't explain it. I just somehow knew.
It's not just that you're gay that draws me to you. You're a super good guy. Like a real genuine, good guy. I know you're smart; I've paid attention enough that you get great marks in class. I know you work two jobs like a dog to help your family. Your best friend is Tim Matthews, who from experience I know as an honest, loyal, stand-up guy. Nat is like a sister to me. Neil and Tania are not troublemakers. Even though you dabble with pot, your friends don't do any drugs other than that Kevin character you guys were hanging with last year. But none of y'all carry guns or any typical Texas teenage stuff. Your friends are mostly good people, and so are you.
You've been friendly the few times we've actually talked, one on one, like today. I've seen the way you are with people. Aside from our now confirmed mutual interest, I don't think you could've treated me any better today than you otherwise would, because you're kind to everyone. And what little I do know of you has made you an even stronger compulsion to me.
I know you were with Daniel Rice. It wasn't ever public knowledge, and after Daniel left you did a good job of acting indifferently. But I saw the real way you guys were with each other.
As I obsessed over you, like years back - completely unbeknownst to you - I saw everything develop between you and Daniel. That day in gym class when you guys fought and then you split after revealing yourself to Daniel hurt me. I'm sure you don't even recognize me as that fat kid with acne that I was, there in the locker room getting my inhaler as you balled you eyes out while grabbing all of your stuff from your locker and ditched school after your exchange in the locker room bathroom. No, but I had to watch in horror, like a train wreck that people are inexplicably drawn to. I saw it all start between you two and my heart was crushed.
That night was rough. I was heartbroken. And as selfish as it sounds, I was worried you were about to kill yourself, but couldn't do much about it because I wasn't feeling much better about myself than you were just then. I was jealous and angry because all I wanted was you, and all you wanted was Daniel. How horrible this all must sound to you, hearing me share this now; that I thought maybe you were going to commit suicide and I did nothing about it.
Well, that night Belinda was conceived. Read into that what you will. I gave up. I was ready to live the lie for the rest of my life that day. For that day, and every day since, right up until Daniel Rice left Houston.
Then I saw you, I plainly saw the hurt that you hid so well. In the halls it started out as me looking you in the eyes and trying to psychically offer you strength. It hurt me because, from afar, you still were by far the damn biggest object of my deepest, darkest affections. And then the gaze started being returned. The spark rekindled. I began to think maybe I could fit you into my plan. Then the night of the Beach Bash we talked. We shared a joint in my car. I have to tell you, I don't even really smoke that shit, but it was an avenue to get to you. I wanted to reach out to you that night but nothing happened.
I lost my chance the instant Stacey chewed me out in front of everyone. In case you didn't notice, she was on to me and tried to out me. At least I got off as just not wanting to be with her anymore, pointing out to everyone how crazy she is. She was drunk, and as the mother of my child, I left my hopes of anything with you, in order to drive her bitchy ass home.
Hell, this summer her parents have even finally agreed that she is psycho enough that they used that with the courts; to force her to sign off on any claim to Belinda. So I brushed off her accusations about my sexuality to everyone else as her just being a spiteful, immature bitch. And for the most part, I think it worked.
But getting back to the night of the Beach Bash, I lost my chance to connect with you.
After the semi final game at city's, with my heart in my throat I offered you a ride home. You kept stealing glances at my crotch as I drove. I was so excited that I think I forgot to even say goodbye to you after dropping you off at your place! I was going to betray my plan and ask you out the very next time I saw you.
But then you started avoiding me. By that point I somehow had it in my head that you liked me too. When things suddenly changed, I thought that maybe you didn't want me after all. Maybe the eye contact in the hallways at school was something other than constant signs of mutual interest, or even simple acknowledgement that we are both gay. Maybe you were bi and no longer leaning towards guys. I didn't know, and still don't know what went on behind closed doors between Daniel and you. Not digging for anything there, just explaining my frame of mind.
I know you fucking well avoided me like the plague at the prom we both volunteered at. I could have gone out of my way to talk to you that night, but you'd hurt me badly, without even knowing it. I never would have volunteered if you weren't on the grad committee in the first place! And then it all made sense. It became crystal-fucking-clear when I saw you with a guy. A blonde kid. Really good looking, I can't hold a flame to him.
Once again, you did it again! You totally ripped my heart out, and you didn't even know it. How could you have known? It's not like I ever showed you how I felt. So I was fine going back to the plan, without you. It was better that way anyhow, I though.
Don't be mad but I almost caressed you the day that when you fell over the bench in the mall. I was right there and could have gotten off scot-free somehow for rubbing your thigh or back or butt, while picking you up off the floor. But you didn't invite me to so I didn't. That just wouldn't have been right.
Instead I started obsessing over you even worse. I didn't want to. You didn't fit the plan. But how could I tell you that? Even now, how do I tell you that?
Well, at least it's a good thing I am versatile and flexible in this plan I have, if I haven't just scared you off. You can now be the second biggest part of the plan, next to Belinda, if you're daring enough to go along with it. I will spell it all out to you later. I won't get my hopes up for now. Something good has happened tonight, but I can't deviate from the bigger picture. God, how I hope you'll be a part of it! Who knows, maybe it will turn out in the end that I still should have stuck to my plan. Time will tell, but I have to give this a try. I really think you're worth it.
Tonight was the night. I don't know how, but I just knew.
At first I didn't suspect that Tim knew about you, but it is apparent that he does. Maybe when you're friends you can, but when you live together, I guess roommates can't keep secrets like that. Then a month or so ago, I convinced myself that Tim was your latest boyfriend, and staking his territory with me. Tim finally set me straight a week ago. He called me on my love of you, and basically told me if I could find the balls to let you know, I'd probably be happy with the result.
But since then I was unable to make a move, and Tim kept his word and let it be. Right up until today when he brought the fight right to me. Ah shoot, it unnerved me beyond belief that Tim approached me like he did with you and Nat in tow this afternoon. I almost shot you all down, but I didn't want to pass up the opportunity. Tim worked real hard at this. Somehow I have to trust myself like I trust him.
But it was you. It was a once in a lifetime chance to get to feel your body, feel your presence. A chance to be with you, and pretend in my head for the afternoon that you were my boyfriend. I knew the risks so I didn't let on that that was my intention at all. And finally on the Ferris wheel I couldn't help it. Not once but twice I tried to reach out to you. I thought to make the first move and see if I got shot down or if there really is any reciprocal interest. But I flinched both times, and lied to you that I get sick on that ride and that ride only.
Then the night was almost over. I was all out of chances I thought. I got my hopes up again when we decided on the Tilt-a-whirl, and then they were dashed when it was broken. I made a pathetic last ditch effort to make right when I suggested the Zipper.
Oh man! I've obsessed over a couple guys in my life, you know; T.V. characters or real life actors and baseball players, but none as real and as possible as you – don't take it that I'd rather be with someone famous and I'm settling for you, quite the opposite, I swear it - but I've never done this before. I've never initiated a relationship, and not one with someone that I've put on a pedestal for so long and inspected you in every light and only find more things to like about you every time.
Come to think about it, I'm hoping that this doesn't all scare you off. I'll have to clarify that momentarily, but you aren't slow. I know you caught the attempts on the Ferris wheel. If finding my semi in my shorts and giving it a good squeeze is any indication, then you were on the same wavelength as me. It took everything to put my hand there by the way, inside your thigh on the Zipper. It was amazing, but not enough to get the message through that I was cool with you touching me, and wanted to do the same. You looked confused until I put your hand back on my crotch. Catching on, you smiled this beaming smile at me!
So there I was. It was crunch time; do or die. You're apparently on the market, and my heart and mind are willing to offer my soul to you, in exchange for your companionship forever. I'm glad I've reached out to you, made the first move. No matter what happens I'd never take it back. Hopefully it works out for me. For us. I really, really hope so!
I know you think I'm crazy now, and have lots to re-consider, so I'm going to take you home now. Have a good Thanksgiving and let me know on Tuesday," He finishes as he starts his car back up.
He starts driving again, out of the parking lot to the stop sign, and then through the intersection to my house. He stops on the street in front of my driveway.
We both speak at the same time. "I'll see you Tuesday, boyfriend," I say to his "See you at school then?"
We smile as I blatantly steal his ball cap from the back seat before I get out, throwing a wink his way.
As he drives off I compose myself to face Tim. Fuck, I wish I had my pool right now so that I could get baked and then just lazily float in it and think. Paul just dumped a lot on me and I don't half understand it all, especially this secret plan he keeps talking about. I don't know about that, but as for Tuesday, I can't wait to see my new boyfriend! I hope he got the message that I've already decided I want in on his plan, and I want to be his boyfriend. I'm pretty sure I was obvious about it this time.
I bring Paul's hat to my face and take a deep breath. The faint scent isn't offensive, but it doesn't smell of teen-boy sex-god like I was hoping for. I'll start spraying my cologne on the brim and see how good I can get it to smell before he reclaims it. I'm also going to poke a hole through a corner of the brim for a silver ball and hoop earring. I think Paul would look sexy with an eyebrow ring, but I can satisfy myself placing one his hat for now.
Putting the hat on, I look up the driveway to the house to see if anyone just saw me sniff it. Tim's car isn't home yet so I take the opportunity to sneak inside. Bandit does his part to make sure I don't get inside unnoticed, bounding at me with his inquisitive nose and wet tongue before I'm through the door.
Ma is busy in the kitchen making stuffing. She asks me how my day was and I don't lie; I tell her about Paul. I suppose she's melancholy about it. I can see she's cautiously happy for me and she says so. However, the worry that is evident in the slight creases of her forehead turns into slight disappointment when I tell her to keep today with Paul a secret for a while, especially from Tim. Again a few minutes later I hurriedly ask her to confirm her promise not tell Tim, when we hear his Mustang's throaty engine turn off in the driveway.
Evidently Tim's later than me because he's dropped Nat off at home. He walks in on our mother-son moment and Ma turns the tables on me. She starts going on about my dog, about how Bandit ate the stale bread she was drying for stuffing and had to buy new loaves at the last minute and dry them in the oven. She nags me about how much of a menace he is. I can see the smile in the corner of her lips and eyes as she relishes the moment; giving me crap in an attempt to change the subject, at my request no less, and thus keep Tim ignorant of what I just told her.
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PAUL
I was supposed to be home by eight. That was the agreement so that my parents could go out and not have to baby sit Belinda all night. They could have easily asked my younger brother James or my other brother Mark to watch her. Mark is home for the holiday and was playing with Belinda as it was. But no, Daddy would never miss an opportunity to tell me I ruined his plans, and he and Ma had to miss the church choir practise because of me. So at 9:30 as I stroll into the house my head is quickly taken from happy thoughts of what I hope is my first ever boyfriend, to internal anger and hatred towards my parents. The lecture lasts a good half an hour and serves to remind me of the need for my plan.
I don't know how I am going to last. I don't know how I am going to do it. I can't see how I will manage to finish my last year of high school and survive. I hardly ever go out as it is lately, other than to school and work. When I go to school, a lady from church, Mrs. Allen, watches Belinda for me. She provides the cheapest daycare available and looks after anywhere from two to five kids a day on top of her own. When I go to work I have a few people that can baby sit, and I pay them. I rarely, and I mean rarely, ever ask Ma to watch Belinda. Still, the fact is that I was supposed to be home by eight and I wasn't.
I get the look from Mark that says it all; I should have kept it in my pants. At least my younger brother James sees how things are and helps me out with Belinda most of the time. Our older brothers don't seem to see that somewhere after Luke or John, Ma and Daddy lost interest in us. Peter, myself and James only ever get yelled at and told to do better, be like your brother Matthew or Mark or Luke or John.
I hate that I could get MVP in a game and Daddy would still find something negative to yell about. I hate that our family calls him Daddy. That's just plain creepy to me, even if it is common here in the south.
I hate that I can get a 93% average one semester but Ma will say that's because I had an easy class like shop. It doesn't matter that the other classes were physics, English and biology, all enriched classes no less. It should be a 95% if I want her approval she'll say, and tell me I better pray that God help me get smarter. If I got a 95% I'm sure she'd ask why I didn't try harder and get perfect.
Tonight on top of my supposedly obvious lack of caring for my daughter, I owe my Ma money. Apparently she couldn't find any diapers.
"I had to go all the way to the drug store to get her more diapers because you're too irresponsible to get her any. I should have dropped her off at Child Services, at least she'd have a chance then," Ma spits out.
"There are almost two packages of them Ma, you didn't have to get more," I argue.
"Where? If there are any it's because I bought them. I don't want to have to look for any, they should be under the change table," She seethes.
I refute, "You don't want them there Ma! Remember? You told me to clear the unsightly clutter so now they're right behind the table, in the shelf. All you had to do was turn around practically on the spot and open the closet door."
My dad cuts in, "No matter. You'll pay your mother back for them, and you'll thank her for everything she does for you and apologise for being so late. Right now. Then you'll apologize to the entire church that you were too selfish to let us be at choir tonight. I should cancel our performance tomorrow at the festival and tell Jerry there that you are too big on yourself to perform."
Wouldn't Daddy like that, to cancel tomorrow's show and blame it on me. Cancel tomorrow's show? Go ahead! I play my music for fun. It's not a compulsion for me like it is for him. I am diverse and play all kinds of modern music while he's stuck on folk and old country and western. Not even new country, his interests are too narrow. It didn't used to always be this way.
One on one we're usually alright with each other, but put Ma with him and he's totally a mad dog on a leash. Like she's the antichrist and he's one of her hell hounds. Daddy used to think for himself rather than let Ma do it for him. And Ma, she used to be sane. She used to be sort of nice before a gremlin took up residence in her. She tried to be supportive and helpful at first with Belinda. Over time she has developed some sort of complex that has recently grown into disgust towards me that I had pre-marital sex, and that I had a child out of wed-lock. Both my fault yes, I know, but her disapproval is getting harder to deal with.
Instead of fighting back, I just take it and move on, letting my mind replay the events of my day and kissing Jon. All through the verbal beating I watch my asshole older brother play with my daughter and give me looks of disapproval all the while. I just want to take her out of his hands and away from this unloving family right here, right now. I finally free her of Mark's presence when the lecture ends. James grabs a ride with me to get out of the house, as I put Belinda in her car seat and drive to the bank to get Ma her precious money.
James leans the seat back as far as it goes and plays with Belinda's toes to keep her occupied, "They put her down for her nap hours early P; just so you know. Wouldn't let me wake her either. They wanted her to be fussy all night and give you a hard time. Who should be reported to Child Services now? And did you catch Narc? He was so happy to see you get in shi-trouble, oops, almost swore there. But honestly, I swear he musta had an orgasm watching you get yelled at! Don't you think?"
We have names for each other because it flies in the face of our parents. We're not to abbreviate our names in their house. So naturally I'm P, he's J. All seven of us boys are actually named after Apostles. In order of birth there is Matthew and Mark, Luke, John, Peter, myself and James. I guess we were named in order of appearance in the bible. Depending on which version of course...
Matthew and Mark are fraternal twins, the rest of us are single born. Matt we call Fat, even though he's never been fat. It is just what James and I call him if we mention him. Mark we call Narc, because he's always been a dick, and given the opportunity we're sure he'd always elect to narc someone out. Matthew won't say it, but even he doesn't much like his fraternal twin either. Matt is never around though, he's making a solid career out of the armed forces, and the first of five consecutive Hunter boys to enlist. I guess I am the first real disappointment in that regard, but I have to forgo the free education provided by the armed forces because I have Belinda to look after.
Luke is the only one who's name we can use the abbreviated form of in front of Ma, because it was St. Luke in the bible, not St. Lucas, and thus he was named Luke, not Lucas. Of course we call him Fluke, because he is the only brother that is somewhat cool to us. Well, let me rephrase that. Growing up, Fluke picked on us the least because he spent most of the time simply ignoring us, unless he couldn't do something because James and I were too young or too small to participate.
John's the ass-kissing good son, even more than Narc. Thus we called him John Boy, like off the Waltons. He'd be sure to bring cranberries and pumpkin pie to tomorrow's dinner if he was not stationed somewhere on a frigate in the South Pacific right now. Lately we've changed his name to Gone, because he is thankfully gone for the time being.
Peter is two years and change older than me, and at times the biggest of the dicks. Seeing as `peter' is what some guys refer to their penis as, we leave his name aptly as it is. I used to share a room with him and James, the three youngest of us being forced to triple-up rather than double-up like the older four, and we were so relieved when he decided to leave and join the army too. It was always Matthew and Mark along with John and Peter that were a click while Luke had friends of his own. James and I were always the babies to them, and Peter used to beat on us because he had to share a room with us.
Based on our fucked-up brothers, James and I are really not that close as brothers despite the fact that we get along fine. We're more like cellmates who are respectful and tolerant of each others' situations while we do our time. We've both tried to be out of the house as much as we were allowed to be, as soon as we were allowed to be in life, to escape brotherly torture from our older and bigger brothers.
James and I have thought about it a lot over the years. I sometimes thought maybe it was just us, but in one of his better moments, when Peter moved out he wished me luck because he too thought he, James and I, especially me, always got the shit end of the stick with Ma.
I'm pretty sure there was a miscarriage or two between Peter and I, and I for sure know there was more than one miscarriage after James. Maybe the miscarriages between Peter and I are the stem of Ma's resentment towards me. On top of that, I was a couple weeks over-due being born. I often think that's where Ma's resentment towards me manifested.
James is the youngest, and Ma definitely has a soft spot for him. The fact he's the baby, Ma turns a blind eye to a lot more of his screw-ups than the rest of us. Still I don't hold that against him, and to his credit James has done really well on the farm we've all worked on, and wants to get into agriculture. He doesn't go to the same high school as me but rather one that is geared for trades and basic life-skills. He failed out of regular high school, and still they hold him above me in their esteem. It's nice to know that even compared to James they consider me to be a failure that way too, that they don't think I have a chance of ever being anything.
With James, it's the commonality of never being good enough for Ma that draws us together. I think that after the first 5 kids have now left home they just want their lives back and are counting the days until the house is empty. Deep into their 50's, they want the freedom of an empty nest that their friends have. I don't blame them, but fuck, just like I had Belinda, they're the ones that chose to have us.
One thought I don't voice to anyone is that maybe my Ma knows. Mothers have ways of knowing the things you never tell them. With six other sons to compare me to, maybe Ma can spot the imposter and knows that beyond personality; that one of her sons is not like the others. I try real hard to fake it and act the part and say all the right sound bites, but I think she perceives the lie. That worry bothers me the worst, because if I can trust my gut, deep down I know it's right. As close to a base sixth-sense as we have, I'm have a hard time admitting it to myself but I know that has to be it. Ever since puberty it's gotten worse, that's when she completely turned on me and stopped liking me. In my gut I know that she has me figured out.
At any rate, nowadays, James and I more than not refer to Ma as The Bitch. Daddy isn't that bad most of the time, but Ma gets him on edge and then he gets mean. At any rate Daddy and Ma think that Belinda and I, their fuck-up of a son, are going to be mooching off of them for years to come. If only they knew.
Hours later, when I have Belinda asleep I think back on my day. Thoughts of Jon will brighten my day tomorrow. I can't wait to hold him and kiss him, and love him. I can hardly wait until Tuesday to see him!
[to be continued]
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Hey! so I'm going to try to start ramping up the action in the next chapter, just wanted to get a little into Paul's story before we got there. As always, please let me know what you think!
Cheers, Jade