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In the Shadows of Our Lives -- Prologue - Spirit of the Underdog II
In the morning after Michael's sleepover Jon made an excuse that he wasn't feeling good. When Phil got picked up by his mother Jon said he had too much cake and soda or something, and took off for home. Michael and I got ready and went to school, but Jon didn't go to school that day. Then he avoided me for the next few days. I guess I sort of avoided him too because I felt so confused and afraid. I wanted to tell him that he had become my main jerk-off fantasy! I wanted to rub my naked body against his and feel what those pale red lips of his would be like pressed against mine! Yes, I wanted to be gay with him and be his boyfriend. I even had erotic thoughts about having sex with him!
Then I began to second guess myself. I second guessed if his hand had really been on my leg at all. If it had, I second guessed what that meant. And you bet, I second guessed my feelings about it. I even got around to second guessing my second guesses! [O.K. Technically that is like triple guessing myself. Or maybe quadruple guessing myself? Maybe second guessing a second guess is like a second guess squared, so maybe it's exponential. Something like 2 to the power of 2 is really 4. Confused? I sure am! Math still isn't really my thing, so sue me. I should set that one on my old friend Neil and let him work it out. He's philosophical in a scientific sense, he would love the challenge. He'd probably come out with some kind of Nostradamus hocus-pocus.] But I digress, and you get the point. I was in such a headspace that any distraction was welcome. Yet everything kept bringing me back to the root cause; Jon.
After a few days of not really talking to Jon in gym class, on Friday I had to go pee so I went to the bathroom. Coach Maynes, is cool like that and says if we have to go just go, we're becoming adults and he doesn't want to know if we have to "process waste" or "re-arrange ourselves". So I was off to the gymnasium washrooms. Of course if I have to go I always watch to make sure no one else is gone to the bathroom when I go. It's just a phobia I can't explain. I was washing my hands and ready to head back out to the fields when Jon walked in to the washroom in the guys locker room. He smiled briefly at me and then focused on the floor as he leaned his back to the door.
Shaking, through a cracking voice Jon finally confronted me, "So are you going to tell anyone I'm gay Daniel?"
Honestly, not at all convinced in my thick head anymore that he was gay and we could be together, I reluctantly said to him, "But you told me you aren't."
I was feeling let down, mostly by myself, until a nervous laughter was his response. I asked him, "Are you?"
Jon bit his lower lip, and went for it. Pulling out a folded up scrap of paper from his sock and forcing it into my hand Jon blurted, "I only have this cell phone for a couple days. Call me if you really want to know, but whatever you do, please, please don't ever tell on me. Kay?"
Then he started to cry. I guess I finally had my answer. I couldn't wrap my head around what had just happened so I panicked. My mind exploding, I quickly gave him the smallest of hugs and a good-game on his butt and went back outside to the field. On my way back out to the field there was a guy from our class in the locker room sitting on a bench breathing hard. Thing is, looking him in the eyes it's like he could see my secret. That's what really set me in motion. I feared being exposed by anyone that knew Jon and I were both missing. Plus I didn't want to get in trouble for being gone too long, or for skipping the rest of class, so I put it from my mind and rejoined the class like a good student. Again, what I wanted to do was be there with Jon, but the moment was too awkward for me so I bailed out instead.
Jon didn't come back to gym class that day, and I think he skipped off the rest of the day too. I wanted to call him so badly that night with the number he had written on that scrap piece of paper, but couldn't bring myself to do it. What would I say to him, how do I let him know I am too? Sure, Jon had just revealed himself to me, but can I trust him in return I wondered?
On Monday Jon wasn't at school again. I clued in to the fact that skipping school and out-right avoiding me was his personal brand of coping mechanism. The following day I know he was there, but he avoided me at all costs and skipped off gym class again. Same thing the next day. On Thursday, while we were heading out to play baseball Coach Maynes ordered me to go to his office and wait for him. For an instant I was hopeful that coach had something for me to do that would get me out of baseball for the day. Yeah, I think baseball is lame, and into our second week of it in gym class I was getting good and sick of it. Like hell, I didn't even own a glove! On the heels of that wistful hope of getting out of baseball was a more realistic fear; that I was in trouble.
Coach is totally cool, but he looks like Gene Hackman. Yeah, I'd say Gene Hackman, only meaner looking and with like Hulk Hogan's body. At the best of times he had a voice that just freezes you and tells you to do as he says. That becomes something else altogether, like something to really fear if you've actually done something wrong. Still, because of my familiarity and daily interactions with him, to me he was just a gym/health teacher and my football coach. I didn't see him as the acting Vice Principal that he had recently also become, when V.P. Connor transferred to another school mid-semester to fill in as Principal there. Even thinking of him simply as someone on my side I was so worried! I thought that he knew everything and was going to be all like `what the hell is wrong with you and your little faggot fudgepacker friend'. It turned out I was close.
"Mr. Rice."
"Yes Sir, Coach Maynes, Sir?"
"Daniel, what the devil has gotten into your partner? He's skipping classes like a little girl with a rope."
"Sorry Sir, I don't understand, Sir," I said. My voice was far from steady and he could probably smell my fear.
He tried to sound as un-menacing as is possible for him. In his best conversational tone he asked, "Well your partner, Mr. Farrows isn't going to all his classes and he's gaining attention down at the office. You and him have a fight last Friday during my class? You went inside and he took off after you. I thought Mr. Hunter might have been somehow involved too, but he went in before you, out of breath, and came back out better and with his inhaler. Son, tell me what is going on."
So that's the name of the kid who's gaze I fled. Paul Hunter, not that it matters. I didn't answer Coach and the silence dragged on.
In a more commanding tone if at all possible, Coach Maynes rumbled, "Mr. Rice, you can either tell me and I will be gentle with your situation or you can go to the office and tell Principal Lowe and the police all about your friend. I don't think your momma or uncle will want to hear the school's been calling for you. In fact I know you're momma won't. As for Arnie, do you really want to find out?"
Invoking Arnie's name sure loosed my tongue, "Sir, I don't know. I think that he's got issues. He gave me his cell number. I guess he wants to talk but I haven't called him, Sir. Is he really in trouble?"
Brave, real brave of me! I just turned on Jon and passed it off to Coach by saying `I think he has issues'. All because I didn't want to see Uncle Arnie's reaction to me f-ing up. Man, what a yellow bellied coward I was! But still, I was working on a theory at the time. Lie, lie, deny. Tell a lie enough that it rings true. Hopefully the lie becomes easier to live; it's him, not me...you know? Except we can't really lie to ourselves, our conscience always knows the score and doesn't believe in taking any time off.
In response to my question about Jon being in trouble, Coach said, "Not yet, but if we don't get to the bottom of this quickly he just might be. You know me son, and you know you can talk to me about anything. I'm not just your football coach or gym and health teacher, I can be a good life advisor too if you are ever confused and need to talk. But you need to talk now before the office takes a more involved role in your and Mr. Farrows situation."
Silence again. I had just ratted out Jon. Well, not really, but still, I said he had issues. Pretty much amounts to the same thing right? So I kept my mouth shut this time.
"Well the way I see it son, you and your partner have had a fight. Or else something has happened that you know about, and before people really start looking at it 'n all, you best talk to me."
More silence...
"O.K. Fine, son. Your personal thoughts are yours alone unless you share them. I do see what is going on here. You said he gave you his number? You best give that to me so I can try to talk to him directly. I can't say as I blame you that you want to protect your friend, but you're putting him in a worse spot. How about you go get me that number now Mr. Rice?"
I respected him too much to lie to him, so I gave the number to Coach. Plus I was scared witless. I didn't even have to go to get the number, I had of course memorized that scrap of paper for all the times I looked at it and longed to call Jon this past week. From the gym office Coach called Jon's number on speaker phone, but there was no answer, it went straight to a voicemail. I got off the hook with a pat on the back from Coach and an order to talk to Jon with the threat of school involvement looming.
Knowing I couldn't face the class and all the questions they'd have, Coach sent me to the equipment room to organize some of the training stuff so that it looked like that's all he wanted me for. It would take me like 5 minutes, so he said to join the class once I was done and no one would be the wiser.
I didn't call Jon that night as much as I wanted to. I couldn't. Good thing too, Jon would have been less than happy with me that Coach Maynes actually stopped by and spoke with his mother that night after my JV football practice. But I didn't know he was going to do that and I also didn't get Coach involved in the first place. So while that was happening I was blissfully unaware. Instead I was so afraid of telling Coach what was really going on, of revealing Jon, and of course I was just plain afraid for myself.
The next day Jon was in class, but didn't say a word to me and wouldn't even look my way. That Friday he also purposely took so long getting ready for class that he completely missed our usual warm-up one-on-one basketball.
I finally dialed the number Jon gave me a few times over the weekend, but always hung up before I thought it had even rung. Like really, I didn't know what to say to him if he answered anyhow. Plus, it wasn't even his phone anyhow. Not that I knew that then, I now know that it was his sister's cell phone that he borrowed for a couple days, that day when he cornered me in the bathroom.
Monday we pretended like everything was normal. Pretended. It was obvious that everything wasn't. The next couple weeks were like that. I tried calling a few more times, and once I had to hang the phone up on his sister because she answered so quickly. She called back and yelled at me and told me to quit crank-calling her or she was going to call the police.
Finally one day while were playing touch football in gym class, weeks after the bathroom confrontation, things were almost back to normal.
Walking back to the change rooms Jon balled up the courage to ask me, "Daniel, is it O.K. if I start coming to your football games again or will that weird you out too much? You don't avoid me like I thought you would, so I was hoping that I could at least do that again. But if you don't want me to, if you'll feel strange with me watching you or whatever, I won't go."
I didn't know that he had been coming to my football games before and was flattered. Especially since I got kicked up to the varsity team to fill in for some injured guys. I really wanted contact with Jon so I almost too excitedly said, "Sure."
"You play at Highland Heights tonight don't you?"
"Yeah."
"You finally get to play in the big Friday night game! That's awesome!"
"Yeah."
"Cool."
"Cool."
I was feeling a little stalked, and to be honest it made me feel good. Before I could stop myself I asked, "How do you know my schedule?"
"Mr. Maynes told me he bumped you up to the big team, and he always tells me where you guys are playing. He's been coming over lately. He and Mom have weekly coffee and talk about me. You might know something about that. Can't someone else in this school please mess up and steal his attention from me already?"
The game that night, my mind was in fact distracted by thinking about Jon too much and I got pulled from the field in the second quarter as a result. I got to go back in when we were behind by 3 in the fourth quarter. This time I was more focused but still got rocked on a play from a guy I never saw coming. The penalty to Highland got us in a good distance for Barry Hershey to kick a field goal but we lost the game on Highland's next drive. My knee wasn't badly hurt but it gave me a slight limp.
That night when I was avoiding homework by way of the boob-tube Jon called. He hung up but the call display showed that it was him. A different number than the one he gave me, but it still came up as Farrows. I called back, but I hung up too. Jon then called back until I answered the phone. Uncle Arnie was out with his biker buddies somewhere. Mom was still at her part time security job. My cousin Todd, who I share a room with, only visits every other weekend. This was one of those weekends, but he was still out with the older guys on the varsity squad. So I was home alone for a couple hours still. I thought that it was Jon's sister calling to yell at me again. With no one else home to answer the phone or wonder why I wasn't answering, I didn't pick up the phone the first like 10 rings.
"It's about time," Jon said as I said hello.
"Huh?"
"I said it's about time you answered the phone. You did just call and hang up you know."
"Uh, yeah. But you did first."
Avoiding that one, Jon instead asked, "So aren't you gonna ask why I called?"
"Why'd you call Jon?"
"Cause I really want to talk to you. I hope I haven't weirded you out or anything. But I've just got something that's been bugging me a lot lately. I think you have an idea. Do you Daniel?"
"I don't know Jon. To be honest I'm confused. I don't understand anything anymore so you're going to have to just tell me. O.K.?"
"How about you come over then Daniel? Ma and my sisters have all eaten already, but we could have something, or have you eaten already too? Deanna is out and Lacey and Candace are watching Survivor with Ma. They're catching up on the last two weeks they taped, so they wouldn't bother us."
"Yeah, no. I got a ride home from the game with a couple guys, and they stopped so we could get drive thru, so yeah, I've eaten. But I've got an icepack on my knee right now, so how about you come over here?"
"Are your parents home?"
"Fat chance, why?"
"Just 'cuz I get nervous around people's parents."
"Well if you want to meet my Dad and have been living under a rock the last two years, you have to look up what federal prison he's in now. And Mom works security on a revolving schedule since she lost her job because of him. I live with my Dad's brother also, but he mostly hangs out with his biker buds when Mom's working night shifts. So this week my place is free for a while. Next week they'll both be here cause my Mom's home evenings. And my cousin's probably staying out super late as usual, so I should still have a few hours home alone, hopefully. Ya know where I live?"
"Yeah and no, I know you're somewhere on Antoine, between Dearborn and Raton, but I don't know which house."
"1634. The beige one on the right with the 2 tone green trim and door. You can't miss Uncle Arnie's ugly ass camouflage Ford 4x4 and the graveyard of bike parts beside the house. Door's not locked, just open it and holler when you get here."
"Kay. I'll be there in like 5 minutes then."
"5 minutes? I thought you lived like on the other side of Parkwood."
"No, I'm just on Corbin St. 6614. On the other side of Silber where Shadyvilla Lane turns into it. So I'm like 2 blocks over and on the other side of Freed Park from you."
"Ah, see you in a few then."
OMG! I was so nervous. I still smelled like my sweaty football equipment because we had played an away game, and I kinda dig my sweaty funk. But Jon was heading over and I had yet to shower! I thought that maybe Jon would like that though; maybe even find my football scent erotic or something like I do. I went online and quickly found some saved porn to help me take care of a growing problem before Jon came over. I also couldn't decide what clothes to grab so I figured I'd decide while in the shower.
I had showered and was toweling dry I when I heard a knock at the screen door and my name being called through it. The moment of truth had just arrived!
[to be continued]