Sorry for the delay in this chapter guys...new job, another story, homelife, Stanley Cup playoffs and more...Please let me know what you think or just shoot me a line @ phantomscorpio77@gmail.com.
Also, Happy Pride to anyone who's celebrating this week in Toronto or elsewhere!
In the Shadows of Our Lives Part 1 - On Broken Wings VIII ~ Here and Now [Baseball Blues] ~
Dear Journal:
First off, let me just say that I really hate baseball.
Sure, the players are cute as anything in their tight little gay uniforms being all butch and jock like. But the game is boring as shit. I'd rather watch paint dry or grass grow; at least then I wouldn't have to pretend to pay attention and feign interest. Sure I can use the excuse to look at guys for hours on end, but aside from that, the drool pooling in the corners of my lips could be confused as boredom. Yawn. Just like I can't actually notice grass growing I don't actually drool over the guys, mind you, but you get the idea.
Why can't Tim and Neil play football like Daniel does? Hell they were a lot more his friends than mine, they should have all had that in common I say! Football is America's favourite pastime, isn't it? Surely it's not baseball. They should play football. It's not nearly as homoerotic, and I at least understand the game.
Secondly, I love Chris. I think.
Do I even know what love is though? People tell us that at our age we don't. Aside from the defiant `what the hell do they know' response I might believe them. But I have this feeling. It's indescribable really. I can't even borrow words from any songs to relate the feeling, so many come to mind but none of them do it justice. It wells up inside me and it's got to be something. I'll call it love. Yeah, listening to Steve Perry and Journey belt out Open Arms through my Iceberg radio over the internet is giving me goose bumps. The song doesn't apply to Chris and I but any ballad just gives me a good feeling lately.
Third, I miss my pool. It was my personal refuge from life. Now it's gone.
Fourth, for the first time Ma made us do something as a family with Larry.
We went to the City Baseball Championship at the old Houston Astrodome now that the Astros have moved into Enron Field. I guess they are going public with their relationship. I kinda envy them, doing what I can't. But they don't have their life at stake for their relationship like I do. Ma also made us dress up as if we were wearing our Sunday best.
Speaking of which, I can't recall the last time I was in church. I guess they were right, the lifestyle I am choosing is going to lead me to burn in Hell. But I am here to live my life too, right? Am I not supposed to make the best of my life and contribute as much as I can to humankind? Someday, when I am my own man my lifelong contribution will be to help stop the persecution of people that are different. Irregardless of the difference.
And finally, I think everyone is on to me.
If they aren't then they are blind or stupid, or both. Candace for sure is on to me. She's been giving me the biggest shit-eating grins possible since Monday night and I am avoiding her at all costs. I have it in my head to agree to slight bisexuality if the question of my gender of preference gets raised.
Oh yeah, one afterthought; my life is so over because something happened with Paul Hunter last week and I'm sure he noticed. So, that's that. I'm a baseball hating, totally obviously gay boy who misses his pool, is about to be outed, and thinks he's in love. All in a weekend, right?
Anyhow Journal, FORE! Or INCOMING or whatever they say when a baseball's coming your way. Catch you on the flipside, Jon.
).:.(<<
Chris. It starts with Chris. What can I say. He has unexpectedly rocked my world. He has all the money he could ask for but he doesn't abuse it and hasn't rubbed it in. He hasn't spoiled me or anything of the sort. With the ability to buy almost anything conceivable he has kept it real simple. We didn't get to see each other on May Day, which marked one month since we met, as he was with a school group working on an assignment that they had to present today. And then he was away all last weekend at the Plaza Hotel in New York with his dad, there for an Auto Show. He spent the evening over at my place on Cinco de Mayo, and I am very embarrassed that he's seen my home. It's pretty pathetic really. I definitely feel somewhat inferior because my house is small and I am just outside of what really could be considered the slums of Houston.
Friday afternoon, after his presentation, my little cutie's come by my school and is waiting for me as classes let out. He knows that I am on my own tonight because the school invitational baseball tournament is this weekend, hence Tim is preoccupied. So Chris figured on surprising me. Minutes after the last bell he calls my cell phone and tells me to meet him on one of the side streets by my school. I tell him he'll have to wait a few minutes because I want to catch Tim and Neil first before they get all caught up in the camaraderie of the locker room with the other jock studs. Oh to be a fly on the wall in that room with some of the good looking guys on the team is different stages of undress, with the masculine scent! But I digress!
A big ole hand slaps my chest as I shut my locker. I don't have to look for Tim as he has found me first. As we are walking and talking I follow Tim and Neil into the gymnasium and we stop short of the team locker room. Tim and Neil are telling me about some opposing school they will be playing and talking about a scout that is supposed to be by from Bowling Green University for the tournament.
Neil says, "If that fag scout approaches me I'll tell the guy that down here in Texas we don't believe that baseball in the snow is fun, nor is huddling up with other guys in the cold, so pack up his parka and look at someone else!"
Tim's quiet on the subject. This tips off Neil and I that he might just be interested. Neil shakes his head and scoffs at Tim.
Presently, I drift off of the conversation momentarily as I see Paul Hunter approach. He has a guitar case on his back like a backpack. OMG! I instantly think of Duncan. I found his playing a guitar so alluring I have started developing a stupid crush on my new MSN friend. But here in the flesh is a boy I like with a guitar! Oh, he's so hot. Seriously, where I think Tim looks like an A&F model type, Paul is just so All-American good looking with an engaging smile revealing perfectly straight, white teeth.
Of course he smiles and nods his head ever so slightly in acknowledgement towards me. I guess he remembers me from the beach bash on April Fool's Day. I don't recall my existence warranting even so much as this inclination of his head from him before then. Maybe it's my stronger friendship with Tim and Neil nowadays and he's just including me. Who cares, just this sets me off in fantasyland!
I haven't managed to find a reason to talk to Paul since the beach bash although I have wanted to. I think I would lose my nerve though if I actually had something to say to him. Naturally, rather than stopping so I might have a chance to maybe attempt saying `hi' to him he just keeps on going and walks right through Tim, Neil and I.
Coming back to reality I catch what Neil is saying, "The idiocy of playing baseball for a northern college! Matthews!"
As Paul vanishes through the locker room doors Neil nudges Tim in the stomach, and says to us that he is going to go get dressed for the game. Leaving, Neil cautiously points his eyes at me in a subtle manner and then gives Tim a very slight but almost knowing nod towards the locker room that I am probably not supposed to catch. Tim slaps him back in the chest. It's always in the chest with Tim; I have had red marks there so many times when he playfully slaps me.
So I try to deflect the attention from my infatuation with Paul by mentioning to Tim, "I thought Paul didn't play anymore."
Tim has a grin that he tries hard to hide by biting his lips as I ask the question. Opps. Did I say deflect? How about point attention at it with a blinking neon arrow. I know; real smooth. Man sometimes my mind just doesn't work. Deflect my slightly obvious and now definitely noticed obsession with Paul by asking a question about him. Yeah right. My dick is doing the thinking for me here. With this scientific breakthrough I've stumbled upon things are not going too well so far. How stupid I am; I just got caught checking a guy out and I express that interest by asking a question about him.
Instead of putting me on the spot Tim explains, "Yeah. He didn't play for a bit there, but Ray Hart got hurt and Coach Ramsey practically begged Hunter's dad to let him play again. Shawn Hamilton moved from back up third to starting first when Hunter wasn't playing, but now with Ray out we need Shawn covering third. None of the outfield guys are good at first, and I'm not giving up shortstop, and Mickey ain't leaving second. We're the best combo in the city! So we need a natural first baseman, preferably a southpaw, and we don't have one that's not crap other than Hunter."
Paul's a southpaw? Duncan's left handed too! Oh wait, get out of my head dumb-dumb and keep up with the real world around me.
Despite a few attempts and my best effort, I can't manage to look Tim in the eyes. I feel really insecure and want badly to hug him and cry into his shoulder because I'm gay and he and Neil must know that I want Paul. And yet, that is too gay. While it might comfort me profoundly at the moment, it would surely creep the hell out of Tim. Not to mention the fact that it would out me. And what about Chris? I'm so hopless.
So remembering Chris, as Tim heads into the locker room too I run through the gym, out a side door, and along the side field to the street. One street over I look for Chris's truck where he should be, but come up empty. I worry that he has taken off on me in the short time I've made him wait. My mind flips between despair at being hooked on him and anger that he's bailed on me. That is until I see him standing on the sidewalk.
Instead I learn more about Chris. Come to think of it, he's rocked my world, and I think I love him, but I don't know him too well at all. Anyhow, his dad, Dom, runs a dealership that has made his family identifiable in the city. His uncle Mitch is the one that has ventured much more into the real estate owning business where his dad mostly still just dabbles.
So the reason Chris and his family live in the old family home has a lot to do with the fact that the burden of the family business has been put squarely on Dom, while Mitch, the younger brother has been allowed to do as he pleases. Thus, Chris's uncle is much more successful and has distinguished himself from the family where Chris's dad has put himself full force into the family dealership. Chris's dad is a lot more about family values and happiness and not cut throat like Mitch. Not that he is by any stretch of the imagination unsuccessful; he has done remarkably with the dealership and it has grown under his care.
I guess the reason Chris lays all this out to me right now is because his dad had someone interested in the Dakota so it's back on the lot and instead Chris has a moderately customized Neon. I learn that the Neon is actually his, and he explains with disdain how it is such a crappy car compared to the ones his dad can get him. But in his words his mom insisted that he starts with a sensible (gutless), practical (4 door), and reasonable (4 cylinder) car. Even the customization is superficial at his mother's insistence. He wasn't allowed to get the upgraded engine, although he was allowed to get a standard transmission, his windows are not to be tinted and he can't change the body work. Therefore he's limited to chrome rims, the standard spoiler, a few chrome accents and some decals. He has in turn mocked his mom by getting a baby on board sticker. The cute thing about the sticker though is that if you really look the baby depicted is an alien!
Tonight I would otherwise be on my own again with baseball in full swing, and Tania and her sister doing whatever it was she told me she was doing tonight. What did she say? Oh yeah, I'm getting ditched for a chick flick night. I think she called it a Sex in the City sleepover.
Candace was at me to do something tonight, but I haven't hung out with her for a long time now and I don't feel like being Lacey's replacement just because she has a boyfriend. Plus I am terrified of what Candace must be thinking and want to avoid her reaction about my sexuality at all costs. She wants me to go to Sylvan Beach Park with her and to bring Bandit. Haha, I don't think so Sis, I am not getting trapped into an awkward situation like that.
So with all other possibilities nonexistent or avoidable by choice I am grateful of Chris's presence in my life.
Chris has a Madonna CD in the player as I get in. Not that her greatest hits are objectionable to me at all, I just would rather my Iron Maiden CD I've spotted in his sun visor CD holder. So boldly I replace Like A Prayer with Childhood's End. Chris laughs at me and ejects the disk. He plunks in a burned CD instead. Iron Maiden blasts, Hallowed Be Thy Name to be specific, but a live version. I have started to like Maiden a lot more than I would have thought. They are somewhat heavier than the Scorpions, but they are similarly very tight and melodic; shredding guitar harmonies while still being fast and hard. A pretty good blend to me so I don't object. In fact the next Maiden song is a cover of the Scorps' The Zoo. Awww! Chris has made a mixed CD of Iron Maiden songs for me in reaction to me slipping my disk in his sun visor/CD holder while it was in his Jeep.
For the first time I notice that Chris is wearing a lot of jewelry. He has a pinky ring, one on the middle finger and one on his thumb on his left hand and sports one each on his ring and index fingers of the other hand. He has an Indian looking necklace and similar bracelet, to go with his double earrings in both ears and the one in the upper cartilage of his left ear. Me, I don't have any piercings. They're gay supposedly, although I really do want one in my upper ear and actually like the little hoops that some people get in their eyebrows. Anyhow, the point being that with so much jewelry on Chris seems to me today to be noticeably gay. I guess he forgot to dress down for me today if he intended on surprising me.
While nothing was concrete my intentions for the evening did involve Chris, but now I have to be extremely careful about where we go and what we do. In the end we decide to go to his house and just rent a movie. We end up cuddling to American Beauty. Not exactly an overly romantic movie, but Wes Bently is sorta cute. I kinda like his unibrow for some reason I can't even begin to figure out. Paul Hunter has an almost-unibrow. Naturally I draw the comparison to myself.
After the movie Chris takes me home. It's an early night for me, home before midnight. As I walk in the front door I startle my mom. Looking up from the T.V. with Bandit's head resting in her lap she asks if everything is alright. Larry is over, I'm guessing that they thought they had time still as no one else was home. They were on the couch, clothes fully on thankfully, but I think there was a little tongue fighting going on. Yeah, Mom is pretty red-cheeked. Haha.
My first thought is ewww, not on the couch. But then I figure my family would feel the same way if it was me and my boyfriend doing the same on the couch. I say hi' to Larry as I toe off my shoes and head for my room. I take a pit stop in the kitchen and grab a can of soda and never quite make it to my bed right away. I instead turn on the computer and end up chatting again with Evan in Vancouver. For a supposed slut that gets action all the time he seems to be online a whole lot of the time. We have a good chat about Chris and how I feel about his fabulous' look tonight. More so, I get Evan's advice on how to ask Chris to tone it down around me until, well, until I am totally comfortable. I'll disregard his opinion though because If I did what he's telling me to I would feel like a crappy boyfriend. Evan is boring me, too bad Duncan has a life and isn't online right now.
Shortly into my chat with Evan, Larry loudly announces that he should get going. I stay put, but shout around the corner that I am going to bed shortly and he can stay if he wants to. To add the teenage edge to it I suggest that I will have my earphones on in bed in a minute anyhow so they can knock themselves out. I realize that it's far more crude than witty, and a lot more suggestive that I intend as I say it, but it's too late to say otherwise now.
I do as I say and head off to bed, and Larry does in fact spend the night, but no sex is discernable.
Saturday morning I fill Candace and Lacey in on my intrusion of Mom and Larry as we are eating breakfast and all getting ready for the day. As for Candace, I'm getting shot more than a few shit eating grins again this morning, much like I have all week since she met Chris. She keeps giving me the eye as we fight over the bathroom so that we can both get to our jobs at the mall.
We walk there together and it is the most painful experience. It's hard to explain, I feel like a dog that had just taken a crap on the rug and knows it was wrong. Maybe that doesn't explain it. I am perversely embarrassed, and fearful of her rejection, and worried about what she might do or say. We walk in silence almost the whole way until we get to the mall parking lot and have to separate to go to opposite ends.
Out of nowhere she tells me that Chris is cute. I felt like a deer in the headlights. No, more like the frog in that old Intelevision game trying to cross the road with about 100 cars, transport trucks and I think snakes bearing down on me when she says this. I know she sees the fear and shame in my eyes. I can't even say why I feel ashamed now. I thought that I had at least in part, if not in whole, gotten over the self hating over my sexuality. I guess I haven't yet. Shame, embarrassment, fear; they have been very close companions for so long that through familiarity with them I guess I had almost ignored that they are still deeply rooted in me. She rubs my shoulder and hugs me, calls me by my pet name Moody and tells me to just be real careful who I give my heart to.
This is all we say on the subject but it fully realizes my fear that she knows I'm gay. So I am stuck wondering who she's going to tell if she tells anyone at all. O.K. My real fear is Lacey. Candace and I are decently close, but she is a lot more open minded and mature than Lacey. They may be a year apart in age but Lacey is years behind in maturity. Yet, until this last year my two closest sisters were inseparable. Not so much now, they seem to be drifting more and more in their own circles and lives, but what if Candace tells Lacey? I would never hear the end of it first of all because she is a big mouth, and then to boot she is a bigot so I will be made fun of, and vilified in my own home.
Despite my increasingly growing worry over my sister knowing I like boys, my Saturday flies. When I check my phone towards the end of my shift at the restaurant later in the night there is a message from Tim, one from Tania and two from Chris. It seems that the school team made it to the semi finals of the tournament and the game is at 10:00 a.m. tomorrow morning. And if they win that, which they should because they have already beat that team easily in the regular season, then they are on to the championship at the Astrodome later in the night.
Call me stupid, but I didn't know that this tournament was the city championship. I can't pass that up, so before I leave the restaurant I trade off my Sunday shift with another busser, bribing him with 10 bucks. I hate baseball. Well maybe hate is too strong. I don't like playing it, I don't like watching it. Hell, I don't even understand it to be honest, or its huge American attraction. Furthermore, the boys in their uniforms are a visual orgasm waiting to happen for me. It's beyond erotic to me; I have hundreds of kinky fantasies to suppress when I see the boys.
But I am super vulnerable at the moment because of my talk with Candace this morning and that in turn makes me super clingy. So next I call Chris and he asks if I want to go to the game because it is his school that my school's team is playing in the semis. That was what I was going to ask him but then I back out. I don't even want to see Chris or be with him now, because he is the association with what I am embarrassed and ashamed of. So I instead tell him I am probably going with some people from school and might see him there.
I don't know quite why I lie. I mean, I want him. I want to be with him. In fact just at the moment I need him. For the first time in our relationship I actually need him emotionally. But still the brakes are being applied real fast. Next I call Tim and he's not home so I leave him a message. Then I give Tania a call. I make plans to go to the game with her and some other people from school.
Sunday morning Tim picks me up and we go to the ballpark where we meet up with Neil and Tania. I think I can spot Chris's car in the parking lot. Entering the park we run into Chris's friend Allister as Tania and I are walking over to our side of the stands. A few minutes later I get a text message to meet Chris by the public washrooms on his side of the diamond. I don't want my separate lives meeting somewhere in the middle, so I call him and say I can't do what he's asking. I am talking quietly and practically speaking in code. At first Tania thinks I have some drug deal going on. I'm not a dealer though. I mean I hardly ever have anything for myself lately anyhow. After I finally go to the washroom at an agreed upon time Tania discerns that I must be meeting some girl. We do this a couple times throughout the game and I know Tania gets curious about my `bladder problem'.
"Do you like blue balls? This girl is such a flirt, and unless you're the quickest orgasm in history she's a cock tease. You're coming back as half cocked as you're leaving! Even more maybe." Yeah, Tania's having a good old time with my predicament, jokingly adding, "Or else your little bladder infection might be a STD! We're covering them in Health class right now, tell me your symptoms!"
That's a bit forward. I'm not used to this level of candor with her. I mean I know her and we're pretty cool with each other, but I guess I never realized that we were as good of friends as I could have only hoped that she can joke so easily with me. The third time Chris texts me Tania suggests, "Why don't you just put the phone on vibrate and let it ring away in your pocket until you shoot?"
I joke back, "How about I put it on vibrate and give it to you?"
"Nah, that sounds a little too unnatural to me, if I'm going to dyke out it won't be a girl calling that gets me off!" She whispers in my ear, almost unable to speak because she is laughing so hard.
Actually, the situation is getting pretty annoying really. It seems that because of Chris I am always at least half hard this morning. That just leads into the whole reason I don't go to baseball games as a personal rule of thumb. I never went to many of the school games because I was always worried that I would have a bigger bulge in my pants than even the biggest cup creates under the tight pants of the players. I have already had a few full out boners for sure, and even Chris tells me during the second conjugal bathroom meeting that despite my loose fitting cargos and tighty-whities it's more than mildly noticeable.
Now I sit and suffer the attention that Chris is inadvertently creating for me. Around the 5th inning, with our team up 13-4 Chris's school crowd is starting to thin out. There are probably still at least a good hundred people there but I can't spot Chris in the crowd. Of course I have been scanning the crowd for him the whole game. Instead, during the intermission of the inning when the teams switch roles, Chris and Allister plop down on the bench beside me!
OMG!!! What the hell is he up to? He doesn't touch me or make any gay signal, but why is he doing this? I am hella nervous. I look over, give him a glare and he smiles at me in return.
Allister waves and says "Hi."
"Hi," I say back.
"Hi, girlie over there." Allister says to Tania.
Tania makes a face at me like `I'm getting hit on and so not interested', and to Allister says "Hey."
I'm about to make up some story to Tania about how I know Chris and Allister, but Allister takes care of that for me, "How have you been? We had a blast with you at the Beach Bash a while back."
"Not bad, you?" I play along.
"So are you going to introduce us to your friend?" Chris cuts in, sounding remarkably not very gay. He says to me before turning to Tania "Hi, I'm Chris and this is my friend Allister. And you might be?"
"Taken, but the name's Tania all the same." She doesn't even take her eyes off of the game.
So we sit side by side, Chris and I, but don't even directly talk. As the game ends Chris seems a bit dejected, and I know inside I am too, that we can't talk. Like really talk, not superficial talk like we are still strangers. But my defense mechanisms are up and I can't think of any other alternative. I am seriously not ready to be outed any further than I already am.
I haven't even told Chris that Candace has figured us out. How do I tell him? He's going to be pretty upset that I'm not cool with it and want to slow things down with him because of it. Oh yeah, by the way, that's the decision that I come to while watching the game. So reluctantly after the game is over Allister says to me that he hopes to see us around. I say the same to him, half wink, half smile at Chris and then head down to the field with Tania.
"What was that all about?" Tania asks.
"I think that one guy liked you,' I lie.
Tania laughs.
"What?" I question.
"I almost thought that the one beside you likes you! You met those guys back at the April Fool's Beach Bash?" She inquires.
Fucking hell! Is my life really so transparent? Am I that obvious? I was getting no such indications from Chris that she should have picked up on. Is it that he is somewhat obviously gay, and that despite my best act I am somewhat obviously gay to people too? Does she know or think I am gay? For that matter does everyone? I wish someone would just tell me; I think my act is convincing. Even Chris who is gay thought I was most likely straight when he had his friend Bobbie casually approach me. So where do I stand? If people think or know I am gay it would just be easier if they just told me and then my life would be over and I would get gay bashed, but at least I wouldn't have to live such a convoluted lie.
"Yeah, they were pretty cool. I have their numbers somewhere, but it's not like I even really know them," I answer Tania, perpetuating my lie. Thankfully Pinocchio was just a story, or else my nose would be longer than my boner!
We walk down to the field and I stare at Paul Hunter. Everyone else seems to be happy and celebrating together but something is weighing on him. Of course I am drawn to this. He catches me staring and I think he flashes a smile. A half hearted one I guess. I look away, pretending I am looking for Tim. OMG! Paul is approaching me. No, he can't be, I'm nothing to him. Aside from the April Fool's Beach Bash we've never talked except for school when we get put in the same group or something class-related. As Tania is engulfed in Neil's sweaty arms and Tim is lost in the celebration along with the rest of our school it seems that we're the only ones not interested in celebrating. Paul stands maybe two feet in front of me and tips his head slightly at me. I nod back.
"Hey," Paul says.
"Hey back," I say.
"I'm jetting. My kid brother James is babysitting Belinda and I gotta get back home. I think Tim and his old man are talking seriously with that scout. You wanna lift?" Paul asks.
"Sure, but don't you have to go with the team for the championship game?" I accept his offer because I am drawn to him. That and I don't care to be where I am, planning out a way to drop my gay life.
"That's hours away and I have things to do," he says.
I leave it at that, so Paul and I walk to his car in silence until he finally asks, "Hey, you got anything to burn?"
"I only have one, but yeah." I offer, pulling out a mangled splif.
We put it to rest in less than a minute, "Thanks," he says for the one real haul he took off it.
"Thanks for the lift," I counter.
We don't talk at all as Paul drives the first few miles. At one stop sign I steal a good look at his crotch as his legs work the clutch and gas pedals. It's an obvious stare but he doesn't say anything. I think maybe he smiles a tad, but I don't think so after all. Honestly I am too embarrassed to look up and have to face his eyes now. Why would he smile? A suspected fag checks out his crotch. Hopefully in his masculinity he has room to at least feel good that gay boys dig him as much as the chicks do. Is that why he smiles?
Oh, to be his girlfriend. I wouldn't treat him like a piece of meat the way she does. He seems so nice, I wonder why he puts up with her. I mean, he has custody of their daughter because she gave up her rights legally. He doesn't need to associate with her.
He drops me off in front of my house and then just says "C-ya."
"Yeah, C-ya. Oh, and hey, good luck tonight!" I return.
He shrugs and slowly drives off without responding. Fuck, he's more than that isn't he? There's something about him. Well groomed, perfect manners, social and kind on top of being a teenage father, athlete and honour student. I've looked him in the eyes a hundred times as sure as I breathe. We always make eye contact; I don't think it's my imagination that he's returned the gaze. Like c'mon, it's our thing. It's what gives me silent hope that my delusions of being his aren't 100 percent insane. Maybe 99 percent, but not 100.
Except this time. He won't look me in the eyes. I guess out of the corner of his eye he must have caught me, the pathetic little faggot he was using to bum a joint off of, entranced by the bulge in his crotch after all. Figures. At least he didn't kill me or beat me or make me get out of his car and walk. I'll just lay that dream to rest. I hardly know him, and yet I do know that he's the one that'll break my heart so I'm going to stop the insanity and just accept that he likes chicks.
Try as I might there is no escaping the final game at the Astrodome. Larry's taking all of us and being with him representing the school Ma is making Candace, Lacey and I dress up for a baseball game. groan Honestly, I act bitchy and pouty. I excel at this when I so choose. Candace looks like she's sitting on the fence as to whether to bail out on the family or whether or not to stay and deck my ass. I avoid focusing on any of the players except for Neil and Tim. Thankfully the stupid boring game ends in normal time, our team won. Yeah, now lets go home. I have some serious depression and feeling sorry for myself penciled in for tonight.
Well, this is it. Stop the press! Pull the emergency brake! If I were captain of the starship Enterprise right now I might just blurt out, `Red alert, all decks Mr. Worf! All hands, this is the Captain speaking, brace for impact! Mr. Data, full course reverse! Number One, I'm an idiot! I'm legally insane! Yes, you heard me Will, I'm an insane Cheesedick. You're in command now, get me the hell out of this mess!'
Or how about `Kirk to Enterprise, now would be a good time to beam me up Scotty!'
Yeah, I really have to drop this second life and cling to reality while sticking to my Star Trek fantasy world instead. I mean, it's just not for me. The gay fantasy that is. Well, I mean sure it is; boys rock! Wesley Crusher can be my gay/sci-fi fantasy as I deny my homosexuality and just fucking get a girlfriend and get on with life until I can leave this place behind me forever.
Chris is flaming. My mom can't be blind. Larry knows I'm gay. My sister Candace knows I'm gay. I'm sure Tania thinks I'm gay. I shot down Nat Wilson; she must know why. Tim and Neil saw me drool over Paul at the school gym the other day. And I all but make a pass at Paul in his car, not even hiding well the fact that I'm checking him out and he does nothing. Of course! Why would he? He's straight. He probably feels sorry for me. I'm sure he sees the poor little sick and perverted homo that I am. Fuck, the whole school must know I am gay.
So here and now I hole myself up in my room and cry. I long for the innocent times when Daniel and I were just discovering each other and no one would have suspected and things just felt so good. Life was peachy then. Now life just feels like I'm either on a cataclysmic collision course with an ominous fiery Sun, or I am running through a mine field while trying to escape a firing squad. I'm either going to get hurt bad or my whole existence is going to get blown up if I carry on down my current path. Here and now I have to change.
[to be continued]